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[TV static ]

[bright tone]

[cheers and applause]

- How we doing, Chicago?

[cheering]

How we doing, Vic Theatre?

It's so wonderful
to be with you tonight.

It's so wonderful
to be with you.

Guys, I'm gonna
get right into it.

I'm having a crisis
of confidence.

I'm having a crisis
of confidence

because my six-year-old
has recently started

saying something that's
funnier than any joke

I've written in the past year.

When my six-year-old
has to pee, he comes over

and says, I have to pee.

When my six-year-old has
to poop, he comes over,

and he whispers in my ear,

I have a secret that's brown.

It's perfect, no notes.

Because what else
could it possibly be?

I have a secret that's brown.

Let me guess, you got to poop?

No, Mom's having an affair
with the UPS guy.

And look, it's great
anytime you're a parent

and your kid says
something funny.

It's so much better
if you're a comedian

because the minute he said it,

I couldn't wait
to get out on stage

and tell it to you.

Because that's the thing,
the most important thing to me

is that my kids are happy,

but I also love
when they're material.

To put it in a simpler way,
I want them to be content,

but I also want them
to be content.

I did a special called
"Lobby Baby"

because my second--
[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

[cheering]

My second was born in the lobby
of our apartment building.

It was an incredible story.

But even more than that,
do you know what sound it makes

when you're a comedian and your
child is born in the lobby

of an apartment building?

Cha-fucking-ching.

Like, as far as I'm concerned,

"Lobby Baby" has paid
for college.

Secret that's brown,
on his way.

That's not enough
for a four-year

accredited university,

but it's a couple of semesters
at DeVry.

I am gonna talk a fair amount
about having kids tonight,

and I appreciate that not
everyone here is a parent.

We do have a pretty cool
consolation prize for you,

which is this--
at the end of the night,

you all get to go back
to a home

where no fucking kids live.

So that--

[cheering]

That's pretty great.

You can go binge a show,
whatever that means.

Bingeing a show?

My wife and I are so tired,

not only do we not binge shows,

I would describe
the way we watch television

as microdosing.

We watch 10 minutes
of an episode at a time.

My wife falls asleep
after the first five minutes,

but I'm not allowed
to turn it off

because the sudden drop
in volume will wake her up.

So I just have to slowly
bring down the volume,

continuing to watch
while the characters

just get quieter and quieter,

which I think is what it's like
to watch TV

when you're having a stroke.

And then, the next night,
I have to go back

and watch
those five minutes again.

I start with that.

Basically, what I'm saying
is for us to finish

an episode of television,

it takes like
three and a half months.

I'm gonna talk about my kids.

So I should tell you
their names.

My kids are named
Ashe, Axel, and Addie.

And independently,
those are all great names.

Together, it is a disaster.

It's such a weird, mean thing
to do to grandparents

to bring over three kids
and be like,

here are your grandkids,
ah, ah, ah.

They're just--

Old people need words
that sound massively different

in their pronunciation.

It's why Lipitor doesn't rhyme
with arsenic.

You need a safety buffer.

I'm not gonna tell you
whose idea it was

to give all three of our kids
A names.

I will only tell you
that my name is Seth,

and my wife's name is Alexi.

A lot of times, people say,
oh, Alexi.

You must get her name mixed
up with the kids' names as well

because it's also an A name.
And I don't.

I would say the hardest thing
about having a wife named Alexi

is how often our Alexa
thinks I'm talking to it.

And making matters worse,

I only use my wife's first name
when we're fighting

and I'm being
passive aggressive,

which means our Alexa
often says things like,

I'm sorry, I don't know
what you mean by,

we all can't be
as perfect as you.

I'm raising kids
in New York City.

I love raising kids
in New York City.

One thing, of course, though,
when you're raising kids

in New York City or any city

is you have to be cognizant
of safety all the time.

I walk my boys
to school every day,

and from a very young age,

we came up with something
when we cross the street,

which is we'd walk up
to the curb,

and we would look
at the cross light.

And if it was a red hand,
all three of us

would say, red hand,
and we'd stop.

And if it was a green man,

all three of us would say,
green man.

And then we'd cross the street.

And I enjoyed it, and the boys
were tickled by it.

And passers by seemed delighted
by the whole show.

And so it was just great.

And then the other day,
my wife was with us,

and she looked up at
the cross light, and she said,

you know, it's actually
more white than green.

And I said, yeah.

I don't know how good
I'd feel about me and the boys

all announcing white man

before we cross the street.

Making matters worse, my boys
walk and talk like this.

White man!

Make way for white man!

Motorists and cyclists
take heed!

For there is white man
in the thoroughfare!

Safe passage is our birthright.

I would describe being a parent
as just constantly

suppressing your true self.

Here's a good example.

When you're a parent,
you have to watch your language

all the time.
And I do.

I try very hard to watch my
language in front of my kids.

However, with that said,

I sometimes feel
I don't get enough credit

for the first word
I wanted to say.

Like, for example,
the other day,

I was in the kitchen.

All the kids
were within earshot,

and I put my hand on the stove,
and I burned it,

and I went, goddamn it.

And my wife looked at me
as if to say,

you need to do a better job.

And I agree with that.

But at the same time, I wanted
to gather the entire family

around and say, you guys know
the word Daddy wanted to say

was motherfucker, right?

And when you have motherfucker
locked and loaded,

you can't downshift
all the way to rats.

You just can't do it.

At my age, I'd throw
my back out if I did that.

If you ever see Daddy
wearing a neck brace,

know he wanted to scream,
son of a bitch,

and instead said,
sassafras!

You never want to say a bad
word in front of your children

because then your spouse
will blame you for it

every time they say it
for the rest of their life.

The nice thing, though,
is you can tell

based on how a kid says a word

where they learned the word.

Like, for example,
you can tell when your kids

learned a bad word at school.

Like, the other day,
one of our kids came home,

and he just danced
through the living room going,

shit, shit,
shit, shit, shit,

shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

And my wife looked at me
like it was my fault.

And I'm like,
he didn't get that from me.

I've never stubbed my toe
and then done, like,

a kick ball chain
across the room.

Just as easily, however,

you can tell
when they learned it from you.

The other day,
my son was building a LEGO set,

and it was at the
dining room table,

and the whole thing collapsed.

And when it collapsed,
he went like this,

ugh,

fuck this.

I was like, that's me.

That was from me.

That looked exactly like me.

That was like
looking into a mirror.

It's not just profanity
that is ugly

coming out
of the mouths of children.

There are certain words
that we're always

telling our kids not to say.

"Disgusting" is a word we're
always begging them not to say.

Stupid.

We're always telling them,
don't say stupid.

The biggest one is hate.

Kids will say all day long
that they hate things,

and we're just like,
don't say hate.

Say you don't like,
say you don't care for.

And we really try to drill that
through their heads.

And then the other day, one of
my boys ran into our bedroom,

and he was like, hey, Dad,
you know who I hate?

And I said,
buddy, we don't say hate.

We say we don't like.

We say we don't care for.

And then I could tell
he was upset.

So I said,
who were you gonna say?

And he said,
I was gonna say the guy

who killed Martin Luther King.

And then I immediately was like
oh, no,

please definitely say hate
for that.

The last thing I want is my kid
walking around town being like,

you know who I never cared for?

James Earl Ray.

The man was not my cup of tea.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I see my light has changed.

White man!

I could never hate my kids.

I could never hate my kids,
you guys.

I could never hate my kids.

With that said,
I do think it's healthy--

I do think it's healthy
to keep a mental list

of the three things
they're currently doing

that I hate the most.

I hate how they roll dice.

They can't keep two dice on
the table to save their lives.

And the minute they start
their roll, you know.

You're like,
you're coming in too hot.

They'll say,
how does Monopoly work?

I'm like, here's how it works.

Keep both dice on the table,
you win.

Try to remember
we're in a breakfast nook,

not the craps table
at the Bellagio.

Here's my impression
of me playing board games

with my kids.

And then sometimes
after I get the die,

I'll just stay there
for a minute.

You know, because they
don't know that I have it.

And it's just kind of peaceful
to be under the couch.

I'll kick my legs a little bit
so they

know I'm alive.

I'll just rest there.

Make eye contact
with the spider.

Hello, friend.

Do you have children?

I hate the way they roll dice.

I hate when they wake up
in the middle of the night.

My kids are at the age now
where they're having nightmares

and when they have nightmares,
they will come to our room.

And when they come to our room,
my wife and I know

that one of us is gonna
have to be up for the next hour

trying to coax them
back to sleep.

And it's gotten to the point--

this is so traumatic for me

that it's gotten to the point
that when I hear the doorknob

rattle,
I actually think to myself,

maybe I'll get lucky
and it's just an intruder.

Maybe it's just an intruder

who will politely
steal my valuables.

And then I won't
have to scratch his back

for the next hour.

Made a terrible decision
last summer.

Last summer,
my son had a nightmare,

and he couldn't
get back to sleep.

And I said, how about
I scratch your back, buddy?

Maybe that'll help.

And now--you guys, now I think
he likes the back scratches

so much that he's making up
the nightmares.

'Cause he's coming
into my room,

and he does not have the energy

of a kid
who has actually been spooked.

He's like, bad news!

Skeleton man came back!

Good news,

I've already pulled
my shirt up.

I do have a good parenting hack

if you have a kid
who's always asking

to get their back scratched.

What you do is you take
a little piece of masking tape,

and you just slap it
over their mouths.

I hate how they roll dice.

I hate when they wake me up
in the middle of the night.

I'm gonna take a knee
for the third one.

I hate how much
they talk about lava.

They talk about lava
all the time.

I blame the schools.

I get it, you're trying to
teach science to young kids.

You're gonna talk
about volcanoes.

You're gonna talk about lavas.

But then they come home,

and they have
all these lava questions.

And, you guys, I don't know
anything about lava.

The only thing I know
about lava

is if they see it up close,

I've done a bad job
as a father.

I can't tell you how many times

I've been trying
to parallel park the car

into a tiny spot,
and as I'm looking back,

I just see two dumb faces
looking at me.

And they're like,
if you touch lava, do you die?

I could never hate my kids.

I could never hurt my kids.

I could never hurt my kids.

You guys,
I could never hurt my kids.

I will admit,
every now and then,

I do pull off one of their
sweaters as fast as I can.

If it's the end of a long day
and they won't even

do me the courtesy of
helping me get them undressed,

I will take every top layer
they're wearing

and yank it upwards because--

and it brings me great shame
to say it--

this moment gives me joy.

When it catches.

When it catches like this.

When I "Clockwork Orange"
my children

into seeing
what they've done to me.

It's not permanent.

It always goes
right back down, you know?

I will say, your perspective
on almost everything changes

once you have kids.

And again, mine are eight,
six, and two.

And I will say, something
that has become very haunting

to receive in the mail for us
is a wedding invitation

because one of two things
can happen

when we receive
a wedding invitation.

The first thing is that
the wedding invitation says,

"We're encouraging people
not to bring their children,"

and that means
we have to find child care

for an evening
or sometimes a whole weekend.

And that's bad.

But what is worse
is when they say,

"We're inviting
your whole family

to witness our special day."

And that is only something
that a dumb, unmarried couple

would think is a good idea.

A dumb, unmarried,
childless couple

would think it's a good idea
to have kids witness

your special day
'cause they don't know yet

that kids will ruin any day,
special or otherwise.

And when I have three
young kids at a wedding,

I'm just dreading the moment

that I'm gonna have to go out
on the dance floor,

interrupt
the father-daughter dance,

and be like, hi,
I'm so sorry to interrupt.

Congratulations, sir.

She makes a beautiful bride.

Hey, our kids ate your cake.

They ate the whole cake.

I don't know what to say.

The cake is gone,
and I can tell

it's a really expensive cake.

But it's kind of your fault

because we never
should have been here.

And anyway, if you're thinking
I'm not gonna be punished,

I'm gonna be punished 'cause
my kids ate a whole giant cake.

So that means they're
gonna be up all night,

and they're gonna be
shitting all morning.

The kids ate the cake.

Thank you, by the way, for
making them wear tiny tuxedos.

You don't know this yet
about kids,

but their favorite thing
in the world to do

is go to a formal wear place
while a guy tells them to stand

still with pins in his mouth.

Thank you for that.

Thank you for the tiny tuxedos.

We should have bought one
'cause I can't imagine

it would have been
less expensive

than how fucking expensive
it was to rent.

Anyways, my wife's in the car.

She wanted me to say goodbye.

She's passive aggressively
looking at her phone,

'cause I guess right before
she went to the bathroom,

she said, don't let
the kids eat the cake.

And that's exactly
what had happened.

So now she might never
talk to me again.

But I want you to know I hope
you stay married forever.

And if you don't stay married
forever and get divorced,

I'm gonna come
and take a dump on your lawn.

Thank you. Good night.
Beautiful bride.

Can we admit now that having
to show a vaccine card

to get into a restaurant
during COVID was not, in fact,

like living in Germany
during World War II?

Can we admit that now?

Because, you guys,

every single time
I had to show my vaccine card

to get into a restaurant,

the host or the hostess
was so apologetic.

They're like, we're so sorry.

Can we just take a quick look
at your vaccine card?

Or if you have a picture
of your vaccine card

on your phone,
or if you want

to take a picture
of my vaccine card

and just show it back to me.

Or if you can just prove to me

that your phone
can take pictures,

that's more than enough for us
to get you to your table.

And I've seen a lot of movies
about Germany

during World War II,

and I don't remember
a single scene

where the Gestapo
behaved that way.

I don't remember a single scene
where the Gestapo kicked in

the door and was like...

[German accent]
We demand to see your papers.

And we are so sorry.

That we are still doing this
whole "see your papers" things.

This is so irritating
to us, too.

This is, like, for real,
our least favorite part...

About being in ze Gestapo.

It's just our boss
is such...

a Nazi.

[normal voice] That is a very
offensive German accent.

That is a cartoonishly bad
German accent.

And recently, I did a show,

and there was
a German audience member.

And afterwards, they came
up to me, and they said,

do you often
do a German accent on stage?

And I said, yes, I enjoy doing
a German accent on stage.

And they said,
how would you feel

if you saw a German comedian

doing an American accent
on stage?

And I said, I'm never gonna
see a German comedian.

Like, what is the series
of events that would have

to go wrong in my life

for me to, like,
walk into a club

as someone on stage is like,
make some noise for Klaus?

And then I'm like,
I'll stick around for this.

And then I'm sitting in my
seat, and all of a sudden,

he's like,
and then Americans are like,

I would like 20
Chicken McNuggets.

And I'm like,
we don't sound like that.

Anyway, after that very
rude answer, he regrouped,

and he said,
well, how about this?

Would you do an African
accent on stage?

And I said, dear God, no.

I would never do
an African accent on stage.

And he said, where is the line?

And I said,
where is the line

for what accents a white
comedian can do in 2024?

The borders of Europe.

That's the line,
from Finland to Italy,

from Portugal to Ukraine.

I wouldn't fuck with Turkey.

That's the line.

And you can have
a healthy comedy career.

Here,
I'll show you how it works.

Here's my impression
of a Swedish person

ordering from a Chinese waiter.

[Swedish accent]
Yes, hello.

Do you have the chicken
chow mein tonight?

[normal voice]
No, we're out of that.

I chose Swedish on purpose

because I'm almost certain
it's impossible

to do an offensive
Swedish accent.

And I'm basing that
entirely on the fact

that "The Muppet Show"
never got canceled.

How was that OK?

How was the Swedish Chef OK?

Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy.

That was--

that was--as a child,
that was my introduction

to Swedish people.

That's how I thought
they all behaved.

I thought they were imbeciles
who were bad with cutlery.

Schmorgedy, borgedy, borgedy.

Can you imagine--
what would it have sounded like

if they'd taken
the same approach

with the Pakistani Chef?

I'm not gonna do it.

But at least now I know what
the sound of 1,500 buttholes

closing at the same time is.

Fwup.

My kids are really lucky.

They have all four
grandparents in their lives,

and they see them
all the time in person.

But they also see them
all the time on FaceTime.

They're interacting
with them every day.

It's so unlike
how I talk to my grandparents.

My dad put me on the phone
with my grandmother once a year

the way a kidnapper
would put a hostage

on the phone with the police.

He would say,
say hello to your grandmother.

I'd like, hello.

And then he'd grab
the phone back.

He's like, now you know
the boy's alive!

Put $5 in a birthday card

and leave it
under the highway overpass.

I love having my parents
around my kids.

It's one of the
most special things

you can experience in life.

I love it so much.

The only thing that's hard

is that your parents are always

gonna have
a different parenting style

from when they did it

to the parenting style that
you're currently using now.

Again, my dad was a dad of
young kids a long time ago,

but he was
an old-school screamer.

My dad would yell
at me and my brother,

and we were not
a three-strike family.

We were a one-strike family.

If you disobeyed, he would
just start laying into you.

And we have a much more modern,

non-confrontational
parenting style.

We never yell.

We use language like--
when they're misbehaving,

we say, I can see
you're upset right now.

And while I don't want to
invalidate the very real

feelings you're having,

I do encourage you
to work through it

on a timeline that's
conducive to your schedule

while remembering
the most important thing,

this is just as much
your house as it is ours.

And sometimes my dad comes over,

and he reverts to his old ways.

And he tells the kids
to stop doing something,

and they don't.

And then he just
starts screaming at them.

And when my dad yells at my
kids, I immediately intervene.

I always run over.

I'm like,
Dad, that is not our way.

That is your way.

And while I would never
want to invalidate your way

or make you feel less than--

But I have to admit
something to you guys.

When my dad yells at my kids,

I always tell him to stop.

But also, there is a tiny voice
in the back of my head

that always wants to scream,

give 'em hell, old man!

Let 'em know how good
they have it!

'Cause, guys,
I got to admit something.

I'm not sure our modern
parenting style is working.

I'm not seeing
the day-to-day results.

Like, the other day,
my eight-year-old

just bit my six-year-old,
just fully bit him.

They weren't even wrestling.

He just saw him across the room.

And I just watched him,
like, think, like,

I'm gonna go bite him right now.

He was like a robot that was
like, initiate biting protocol.

And he went over,
and he bit him so hard.

And then he said,
I didn't bite him.

And I was like,
look at the teeth marks.

I could take your brother's arm
to an orthodontist right now,

and they could fit you
for Invisalign.

And I was so mad.
I never do this.

I grabbed my son, and I said,

you're gonna have a timeout
in the other room.

And I put him in a room,
and I slammed the door.

And my plan was just to make him
spend five minutes

thinking about
how badly he behaved,

just five minutes reflecting on
the consequences of his actions.

But I'm such a modern wuss,
I could only make it,

like, two and a half minutes
before I started thinking,

oh, my God,
he's gonna be in therapy

the rest of his life.

This is a trauma
he'll never recover from.

I have to go in and let him know
he's my little slugger

and I'm always gonna love him
no matter what.

And I opened the door,

expecting to see him in a puddle

in the middle of the room
on the floor.

And not only was he not there,

he was leaning
against the window,

looking out across the city,

not a care in the world.

He looked like he was in
a French new wave film.

All that was missing was
a beret and a cigarette.

[French accent]
Did I bite him?

Perhaps.

But in life,
you're either the biter

or ze bitter.

[normal voice]
I'll tell you this.

I have a theory, guys.

My theory is this.

I think my kids

are gonna yell at their kids.

I think it skips a generation.

And I think at night,
my boys are in their bunk bed

talking about it
and saying, when I grow up,

I'm not gonna do that
ineffective bullshit Dad does.

I'm gonna get loud like Grandpa.

And the other was one's like,
oh, totally.

I'm not gonna be
a beta cuck like Dad.

Invalidate your feelings?

Bitch, grow up.

My wife thinks the world
can help us be better parents,

and she's always sending me
Instagram videos

of Instagram moms who are trying
to share their wisdom.

My take is if they look
too well put together,

I just think they have different
kinds of kids than ours.

Like, if they have a blowout
and a Ring light,

I'm just like, I don't think
this is meant for us.

And they often have
very cryptic advice.

My wife sent me one where
it was a woman just very calmly

saying,
positive feedback

is really important for a child.

If you tell your child
in the morning

that you like their handwriting,

they're less likely
to punch a sibling at night.

Now, I don't know
if that's true or not,

because I never remember it
until it's too late.

Like, they'll just be wailing
on each other in the corner.

And I run over, and I'm like,
I like your handwriting!

There is--there is an
Instagram mom I really like,

a style of Instagram mom.

It's the one who's, like,
barely keeping it together.

And they're shooting their video
like "Blair Witch Project" style

on their phone.

And they're,
like, hiding in the closet

before their kids can find them.

They're like, hi,
I don't have a lot of time.

We figured out a way
to get Sharpie off wallpaper.

What you have to do is--
oh, no, they found me!

My wife and I are both
incredibly close

with our parents,
and I think

it's one of the first things
we connected on.

We thought
if we started our own family,

maybe we would have kids
that wanted to hang out

as much with us as we want to
hang out with our parents.

With that said, our families
also have some differences.

For example,
when I was growing up,

the rule at the dinner table was
never speak unless spoken to.

If you do speak, have it be
relevant to the conversation

at hand,
and certainly never talk

until the person who is
currently talking has finished,

whereas I feel like
in my wife's family,

the rule was as soon
as you think something,

say it out loud.

Ideally, try to start saying it
before you finish thinking it.

Try to hear
the completed thought

outside your head with your ears

for the very first time.

Another cool thing
my wife's family does

is they will call a restaurant
to order delivery,

and it's only when they're on
the phone with the restaurant

that they ask everybody else
what they want.

They will low-key criticize
the restaurant on the phone

with the restaurant.

They'll be like,
should we get the dumplings?

And from across the room,
someone will be like,

no, their dumplings are soggy.

We're not gonna
get the dumplings.

My wife's family is Jewish,

which I haven't said yet,
but I have told you.

If there's one thing
Jewish people agree on,

I would love to know
what that is.

I really want to stress,
these jokes are all pro-Semitic.

I love my Jewish wife.

I love my Jewish children.

I have incredible in-laws.

The best thing about my in-laws
is they're very easy to find.

If you're ever looking for them,

they're in the middle
of my fucking business.

Knock.

We have a tricky conversation
coming up with our children

because my wife's grandparents
were Holocaust survivors.

And obviously, that's something
we're going to have to explain

to them one day.

The problem with kids
is sometimes

they will ask you a question
before you're prepared

on how to answer it, and they
sort of force your hand.

And the other day,
my wife said to one of our sons,

you're so lucky you know
all four of your grandparents.

Your grandmother didn't know
any of her grandparents.

And he said,
what happened to them?

And she said,
they all died in a war.

And he said,
were they soldiers?

And she said, not everyone who
dies in a war is a soldier.

And then he paused for
a second and said,

oh.

Were they drummers?

Because he'd seen a
Revolutionary War picture book,

and quite smartly, may I say,
deduced that while the soldiers

are obviously in grave danger,

these drummers up front
are dead men.

What a bad time
to be good at drumming,

the Revolutionary War.

Maybe the worst time ever
to be good at drumming.

And I bet when you heard word

that they were looking
for drummers,

you got so excited.

You're like, oh, my God,
that's great.

We don't have to fight.

We'll stay back and rehearse
for a concert.

And then whenever
the survivors get here,

we'll do a gig for them.

And so they raise their hand.

They were like,
I know how to drum.

And they're like, great, go
strap it on and stand up front.

And they were like, up front?

And they're like yeah,
it's gonna be you,

another drummer,
and a flute guy.

And the flute guy was like,
actually, it's a fife.

And they're like,
not now, flute guy.

My wife argues that
I should convert to Judaism.

Her argument is
everybody already assumes

that I'm Jewish--

not a bad argument.
I'm a quarter Jewish.

Every Jewish person
I've ever met has said,

you're Jewish, right?

I'm also a quarter Swedish.

Not one Swedish person
has ever said,

schmorgedy, borgedy,
borgedy, borg?

That's how they talk, guys.

I'm not gonna apologize
for how they talk.

Why would "The Muppet Show"
lie to me?

That's how Swedish people talk.

And this is how
lab assistants talk--

me, me, me, me, me, me, me.

I recently found out
some things about my lineage

because I did this
incredible show on PBS

called "Finding Your Roots"

with Professor
Henry Louis Gates.

It's a wonderful show,
great show.

He's a brilliant man.

And I found out some things
about my family

that I hadn't known before.

I found out I had descended
from Lithuanian Jews,

Lithuanian Jews, famous for
coining the expression,

we got to get the fuck out
of Lithuania.

But I was a bad subject for
the show "Finding your Roots"

because I am not easily shocked
or amazed.

And the best thing
about that show

is when they reveal information
to you about your lineage,

and you are shocked and amazed.

And because I'm not
easily shocked and amazed,

it was just a bad episode.

Like, for example, at one point,

Henry Louis Gates
looked at me and said,

we tracked down one of your
ancestors to the year 1650.

We found their name
written in a town ledger

from the year 1650.

How does that make you feel,

knowing we tracked back
a relative of yours

to the year 1650?

And all I could manage was,

well, I mean,
I knew I came from people.

It's not like he was like,
your great-great-grandmother

was a mermaid.

He did shock me once,
but it was by accident.

You sit across from him,
and there's a table between you,

and on the table is a big book
full of information,

and he tees up the story.

And when he tees up the story,

he asks you to turn the page
to reveal the information.

And at one point, he said to me,
you're a performer.

And I said, I'm a performer.

He said, do you anyone else
in your family tree

who's a performer?

And I go, I don't know a single
other person in my family tree

who is a performer.

And he said,
why don't you turn the page?

Because I think the next thing
you're gonna see

is pretty cool.

So I turn the page,
and it was a newspaper obituary

about my great-grandfather

who had died from suicide.

And Henry Louis Gates goes,
what does it say?

And I said, oh, exactly that.

I go, my great-grandfather,
it seems he died by suicide.

And Henry Louis Gates,
to his credit,

just looked at me and said,
that's a mistake.

I apologize.
We're gonna edit this out.

And then he said,
why don't you turn another page?

So I turned another page,
and I'm like, oh,

my grandfather
was in a school play.

And he said, pretty cool, right?

And I was like, Henry!

You can't bounce back

from accidentally showing
someone a suicide obituary.

That would be like
if a magician was like,

is this your card?

And you're like, no, I think
that's a picture of your dick.

Oh, fuck.
Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Is this your card?

Nine of spades.
Is this your card?

You're still thinking
about the dick pic?

Yeah!

Yeah, dude.

This is the time of the night
where a lot of comedians

will start doing
their anti-trans material.

I'm happy to inform you
I have no anti-trans material.

I have nothing
but love and respect

for the trans community.

And also, I'm always so
frustrated when people frame it

as how it's inconvenient to them
when someone transitions,

when they talk about how
they have to learn a new name

or a new pronoun,

or they have to change a contact

in their email address folder.

And really,
if we're being honest--

let's be honest for a second.

What would actually
be harder for you,

if someone in your life
decided they were transitioning

to a new gender,
or if someone in your life

decided that as of tomorrow,

they were going to be a vegan?

Like, what makes your
life harder tomorrow?

Because, you guys,
five years ago,

my brother decided
to be a vegan,

and I've spent multiple
Thanksgivings with him,

and I 100% would prefer
my next Thanksgiving start

with my dad walking in
and saying, I'm a lady now--

Than I would spending
another Thanksgiving

where my brother keeps asking
me, is there butter in this?

I'm like, there's fucking
butter in everything.

That is the true meaning
of Thanksgiving

is butter in everything.

That's how the first
Thanksgiving started.

The Indigenous people came over.

They were like, this is maize.

And the pilgrims said,
what if we put butter on it

and call it corn?

And the Indigenous people
were like, oh, my God,

this is so much better.

How can we ever repay you?

And the pilgrims were like,
we have an idea,

but we're not
gonna tell you yet.

White man.

My brother, who's hardcore--
my brother will not eat honey.

My brother said that vegans who
eat honey are called beegans.

I found out he didn't eat honey
because one day,

he was over at my apartment,

and I just sort of threw
a granola bar at him

because he looked like
he was starving.

And...

he picked it up, and he just
started reading the label.

If there was a logo
for veganism,

it should be someone at
your home reading a label.

Found a problem!

By the way,
I wish I could be a vegan.

Every argument for being a vegan
is a good one.

It's better for the environment.
It's more humane.

The best argument, though,
is this, you guys.

My brother looks
so much healthier than I do.

Like, if you saw a picture
of my brother

and I next to each other,

you would stop eating meat
yesterday.

Like, he glows like the sun.

And next to him, I look
like a guy holding a lantern

at the bow of a ferry.
I'm like--

The fog is thick,
but we'll make it through.

I mentioned my in-laws earlier,
and I want to give a special--

pay a little special attention
to my wonderful mother-in-law.

I really do have the greatest
mother-in-law in the world.

And my favorite thing about her

is there are also times
that she agrees with me

that my wife is being a lot.

Sometimes my wife and I
will be fighting

in front of my mother-in-law,

and she will just
make eye contact with me

from across the room
as if to say, sorry.

But it has to be non-verbal.

It is only of value to me if it
is a non-verbal acknowledgment

of my wife's behavior.

If she actually speaks up
in my defense,

that's a disaster for me.

Because every
married person here knows

that it's always just easiest
to agree with your spouse

when they're complaining
about something.

And I cannot tell you
how many times

it's been the end of the night,

and we're getting ready for bed.

And my wife will say,
can you believe my mom says

I have to be nicer to you?

And my only response
is yeah, what a bitch.

Mind your own business, lady.

I do have a mean wife.

You guys--

But only to me.

My wife is mean to me,
and she is so nice to the kids,

and that is so much better
than the other way around.

If my wife was nice to me
but mean to the kids,

my life would be a nightmare.

I would come home,
and they'd always run over

and be like, hey man,
you got to step in

and do something.
We're your kids, too.

And I'd be like,
shh, don't talk to me.

I don't want her to know
we're friends.

I--by the way, this is
not an attack on my wife.

This is a defense
of her meanness.

My wife works so hard.

She has three children.
She is so depleted.

She has a full-time job.

My wife is a lawyer.

My wife passed
the New York Bar.

She is a brilliant woman.

The New York Bar,
that's the hardest one.

That's the one Giuliani passed.

So I get it.

She is tired all the time,

and she's so patient
with her children.

And sometimes she has
to take it out on me.

And also,
I deserve it, you guys.

I am so irritating.

Here are some of the things
I do.

Here are some of the things
I do that earn her meanness.

We're on our third kid.

I still don't know
how to collapse the stroller.

No idea.

I look at a stroller

the way a dog would
if you told him to do origami.

I have no idea
how to fold up the stroller.

I'll just, like, wiggle it.

I'll shake it a little bit.

Hey, quick question
for the women here.

Have you ever,
while watching your husband

try to collapse the stroller,
thought to yourself,

I can't believe I ever thought

this man could satisfy me
sexually?

Like, while he's like,
I think I got it.

I almost got it.

Are you like, there's a button?

It's like, no, I think
it's almost there.

Just a few more pumps.

You want to hear
something heartbreaking?

The first time my wife
heard me tell that joke,

hardest she's ever laughed.

She laughed a hurtful amount.

She screamed from the audience,
amen, brother!

Preach!

That's not to say
my wife is perfect.

There are a few things I would
change about her as well.

If I could change
something about my wife,

I would try to
improve her skills

as a directional speaker.

My wife says
important things to me

all the time
with her back to me

while she's walking out
of the room

without raising her voice
at all.

She'll say things like,
the gas company was here today.

They say there's a toxic--

So we have this fight all the
time where she'll be like,

remember, we're having dinner
with the Harrises in an hour.

And I'm like,
when did you tell me that?

And she's like, Monday, when I
whispered it into the mailbox.

Another thing I would
change about my wife

is her caffeinated beverage
of choice.

My wife's caffeinated beverage
of choice is a matcha latte.

If you don't know what that is,
I'll tell you what it's not--

available at the coffee place
you are going to.

It's such a rude thing
to ask for

when someone's like,
we're getting coffee,

what do you want?

It would be like
if you're like,

hey, we're ordering pizza.
Can we get you anything?

A quiche Lorraine.

They're not gonna have that.

It doesn't hurt to ask.

It does hurt to ask.

I don't want to look
like a lunatic.

I think my wife likes
matcha lattes

because they are hard to get.

And the reason I say that
is my wife's love language

is acts of service.

Do you guys know

the concept of love languages?

Here's the concept
of love languages

for those of you who don't know.

There are five love languages.

This is how people receive love.

There's acts of service,

touch, quality time,

gifts,
and words of encouragement.

And, guys, I don't know
who came up with this list.

All I know is that
their love language

is definitely acts of service,

because this is
the biggest scam ever

that acts of service

is lumped on this list

with the other four
reasonable things.

Here's life if your love
language is touch

and your wife
is acts of service.

When I get home,
I would like a hug.

I need you to fix the boiler.

Quality time.
Want to go for a walk?

Yeah, after you clean out
the gutters.

It's like if an airline's
loyalty program was like,

we have gold, platinum, silver.

And when we land,
you clean the plane.

This is all--
what I've been doing

is all a very good example
of how it is hard

to be married to a comedian.

I just get to come up here
and tell you guys

what I'm thinking
about my marriage.

And so, yes, it is hard
to be married to a comedian.

But, guys,
it's also very hard to be

a comedian who is married.

And what I mean by that
is when you're married,

the right thing to do
when you're having an argument

is always say the thing
that will most quickly

deescalate the situation.

But when you're a comedian,

those aren't the things
that pop into your head.

When you're a comedian
in the middle of an argument,

all you ever think is
this is a funny thing

I could say
that will make it worse.

Here's an example,
a recent example.

My boys love superheroes,
and they're always asking me

questions about superheroes.

They'll say,
who would win a fight

between Batman and Spider-Man?

Who's stronger,
the Hulk or Thor?

And the other day, they said,

who's faster,
Superman or the Flash?

And that's an age-old
comic book question.

I was so proud of them
for even coming up with it.

And I said, you know what,
let me check on YouTube.

And sure enough, there
was a three-minute clip

from a "Justice League" cartoon
of Superman racing the Flash.

And I said, you know what,
let's watch it.

Now, the important part
of this story

is our kids do not have
a lot of screen time.

I don't say that to be like,

we're better parents
than anyone here.

I just mean that our kids will
turn out better than yours.

So--

I got one boy on each knee.

And I got my phone out,
and we're watching

Superman race the Flash.

And my wife walks in, and
she says, what are you doing?

And I say, we're watching
Superman race the Flash.

And she says, a cartoon?

And I couldn't help myself.

And I said, no, the real guys.

Isn't that crazy?

They got the real guys.

And they weren't even
trying to get the real--

it was, like, a nature crew
documentary in the desert.

And then they saw this, like,
blue and red voom, voom.

And they were like,
did we just--

I mean, she'd left the room.

She'd walked out being like,
I can't believe my mom says

I got to be nice to this--

Here's another recent example.

We were going on vacation, and
we were leaving New York City.

And we were going
through security.

And the TSA agent
found a tub of hummus

in my wife's carry-on.

And they took it out,
and they said,

you can't bring hummus
on the plane.

And my wife said, I've brought
hummus on the plane before,

which was less convincing
than she thought it would be.

Because their answer
to that was

you can't bring hummus
on the plane.

And my wife said,
but it's not a liquid.

And they said,
it's also not a solid.

And it turns out,
in cases like this,

the tie goes to the TSA agent.

And look,
I was on my wife's side.

I mean, everybody's
bringing hummus on planes.

Why are they singling her out?

Every time you go on a plane
these days,

you walk down the aisle,
five, seven tubs of hummus.

But they took her hummus.

And then we were walking
and she was upset.

And she said to me,
can you believe that?

And I said, no,

but I didn't say which part
I hadn't believed.

I'd been honest
without being truthful.

And that would be the end
of that story,

but we had to fly back
to New York.

And on the way back,
my wife stopped on the way

to the airport at a Whole Foods
and bought a tub of hummus,

same size,
if not even a little bit bigger.

And they found it again.

This time, they found it
in the Whole Foods bag,

which is what you call
asking for it.

And they pulled it out,
and they said to my wife,

you can't bring hummus
on the plane.

And she said, I've brought
hummus on the plane before,

conveniently leaving out
what had happened

the most recent before.

And still,
they took her hummus.

And then we walked through.

And we were walking,
and I could tell she was upset.

And I knew
I shouldn't say anything.

I knew the right path forward
was just to keep my mouth shut,

but I couldn't help myself.

And I turned to her
with a big smile

and said, well,
you'll get them next time.

She is here tonight,
by the way.

She's not here.

Are you crazy?

She's here, and I'm gonna
tell the hummus story

we haven't talked about since?

I'll tell you this.

I know my wife.

She's a substantial woman.

She's got grit.

She's got determination.

The next time we fly,
she's getting hummus on a plane.

I believe in her.

I believe she's gonna
get hummus on the plane.

She's gonna go to the airport.

She's gonna unzip her carry-on,
and she's gonna take out a bag

of chickpeas and a muddler.

And she's gonna look
that TSA agent in the eye

and be like,
officer, I think everything

here is legal and above board.

And they're just gonna nod
'cause they know they've lost.

And then in deference
to her victory,

all of the TSA in the airport

is gonna stand to make a gate
for her to walk through.

They're gonna hold up their
magnetic wands like swords.

And she's gonna walk
through the airport

underneath the magnetic wands.

And passengers are
gonna scream her name

and throw pita chips at
her feet like rose petals.

And then she's gonna
get on the plane,

and we're gonna sit down.

And she's gonna finish
making her concoction,

and she's gonna say to the kids,
who wants hummus?

And they're all gonna say,
we hate hummus.

And I'm gonna whisper,
don't care for.

So my kids have never
watched my show,

but I recently brought my kids
to the show

because we had our
tenth anniversary show,

and we had President Joe Biden
on the show.

Thank you. Very kind.

We had President Biden
on the show.

And I thought, you know what?

When's the next time I'm gonna
have my kids be in the position

to meet the president?

And, you know, I might not
want them to meet the next one.

So I said,
you know what, let's--

let's bring the kids in
to meet the president.

And the best thing
about watching my kids

meet the president is not
how the president behaved,

but rather how
each of my children

acted differently based
on their personality.

First up was my oldest,
and my oldest is just--

he's the sweetest boy
in the world,

and he's just trying so hard.

Like a lot of oldest siblings,
he just wants to be

the best kid he can be.

So anyway,
he picked out his outfit,

and he wore his nicest clothes
from his picture day.

And he just walked
into the room,

and he was like, hello,
Mr. President, my name is Ashe.

Nice to meet you.

And I was just so proud of him.

Like, my heart broke at how
wonderfully he had performed.

Next up was my middle son.

He was born in the lobby
of an apartment building

and behaves like it
every day of his life.

I don't--can't quite explain
what that is.

I just know that even if
you didn't know who he was,

if you saw him across the room,
you'd be like,

I think that one
was born in a lobby.

He picked out
his outfit as well.

He wore a train conductor's
jacket and a pair of Ray-Bans.

And he literally danced
into the room.

And when he danced
into the room,

my oldest was so embarrassed.

He, like, cocked his fist back.

And then he remembered
that earlier that morning,

I told him
he had good handwriting,

and he was like--

So my middle dances in the room
and just starts singing.

♪ Joe Biden, Joe Biden,
Joe Biden ♪

And he gets right next to him,

and he screams
in the president's face.

You're my "fave-whit"
"pwesident!"

And Joe Biden was so taken aback

because I don't even think
Joe Biden

is Joe Biden's
favorite president.

He looked at me like, have
you not told him about Obama?

Because he would--

if he likes me,
he would love Obama.

And then the best, though,
was my daughter,

Addie, two and a half.

And the president was
incredible with her.

It was really something to see,
his sweetness.

He sat on the couch so that
he was at eye level with her.

And she walked over,
and he reached into a bag.

And he pulled out a stuffed
Commander, the White House dog.

And he didn't know this,
but in January,

I had gone to the White House,

and I had left
with three stuffed Commanders,

and I had given them
to my children.

But he reached into the bag,
and he held it out to Addie.

And he went like, [mumbles].

He said, I got this for you.

And she just looked at it,
and then she looked at him

and said, I got that.

And he said,
you have one of these?

And she goes,
yeah, I got that at home.

And he's just holding it.

And he goes,
you want another one?

And she goes, no.

And I've been so worried
about that interaction all day

because my daughter is
a huge Trump supporter,

and--and not on social issues.

It's all tax stuff with her.

She's NATO.

She feels like the NATO
countries don't pay enough.

Don't get into it with her
if you see her.

I have a weird thing happening,

which is I grew up
in the suburbs.

All I ever wanted to do
was live in New York City.

My kids live in New York City.

All they want to do
is live in the suburbs.

Like, we visit my parents.

My parents live
in the same house

I grew up in in a nondescript
New Hampshire suburb.

And every time we leave,
my kids are basically like,

when are you gonna make enough
money to buy a house like this?

Because we live in New York,
and nothing about New York

makes sense to kids.

There's none of the appeal
of New York appeals to them.

They're never like, well, sure,
Grandma and Grandpa

have a front and back yard,
but we can walk to the theater!

I have one of those
New York City apartments,

if you ever lived in New York,
you'd be like,

this is a great apartment.

If you lived anywhere else
in the world,

you'd be like, I guess so.

Here are some of the features
about my very expensive

New York City apartment.

It's never fully dark.

It's never fully quiet.

We live near a university,

so every other night
at 1:00 in the morning,

you hear someone yell
something like,

Krista says
she'll meet us there!

And whoever the Krista news
is being yelled at

does not hear it the first time.

So they're like,
Krista's not with us!

And so then the first person
has to be like,

no, Krista says
she'll meet us there!

And it takes everything in my
power not to open up the window

and be like, you guys,
Krista's dead!

Krista died.

It's, like, so sad, you guys,
but she's dead.

Do we have heat
in our apartment?

Yeah, we have exposed radiators.

And the best thing
about them is

they're so hot
that when you touch it,

you don't burn yourself.

You just die.

They're like lava that way,

I think.

I've been told
our radiators are the feature

of a prewar building.

I'm not sure which war
they were talking about.

They're not the only
prewar feature

in our apartment building.

We also have a neighbor
across the hall

who could definitely find
Prussia on a map.

And much like Prussia
after World War II,

she also doesn't
have boundaries.

The other day,
I was trying to get

my son out the door to school.

And I got him into the hallway,

and he was just having
one of those rough mornings

that kids have.

And I got him in the hallway,

and then he sort of wrestled
his way free of me,

and he ran into the apartment.

And then I chased him in
with his shoes in my hand,

and I left the door open.

And I finally managed
to get him in a chair.

And I'm trying to
get his shoes on.

And I'm upset, and he's crying.

And we're just having
a really bad morning.

And then, all of a sudden,
we hear--

♪ Hush, little baby ♪

♪ Don't say a word ♪

And we turn around,
and our neighbor has just

wandered through the open door
into our apartment,

wearing a nightgown the color
of which I would describe

as Victorian apparition.

Ghost of girl who drowned
in town well.

And I love that she
was in her apartment,

and she heard a kid crying,
and she goes,

I know what calms kids down,

the haunted nursery rhymes they
sing in horror movie trailers.

But there is a very happy ending
to that story,

and it's what I'm gonna
leave you with,

because in that moment
when our neighbor walked in,

my son and I locked eyes.

And I realized he was thinking
the exact same thing

that I was thinking.

Because he looked at her,
and then he looked at me,

and he said, fuck this.

And I said, you just paid
for college, buddy!

Thank you so much, Chicago!

Have a great night!

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ I met Vanessa out
in front of her building ♪

♪ She was vague
and dazed and drowning ♪

♪ She says
she's got a new man ♪

♪ And he's in a new band ♪

♪ And they got a new sound ♪

♪ I said, hardcore is in
the eye of the beholder ♪

♪ I got a broken heart
from 1989 ♪

♪ I was holding my head
in my hands from the heat ♪

[bright tone]