Original subtitles

-Come on, let's play.

-All right, all right.

I'm playing.

-God damn it.

Mind your tongue.

I'll bet,

two souls.

-Two souls, huh?

How many cards?

-One. -I'll take, two.

By the way, how's your flying lessons coming along?

Luck be a lady tonight.

-You're going to take a dump or get off the can.

-Five souls.

You're five and raise your five.

-I'll call. -Read them and weep, dipshit.

-Ah, not so fast, my friend.

I've got you by the tail this time.

Four aces, that'll be 13 souls.

-You goddamn holy son of a bitch.

You have all the goddamn luck, Charlie. -That's Charles.

You have all the goddamn luck, Charles.

-Oh, come on, Lou.

You mustn't take the game so seriously.

What's a few souls between friends?

The trouble with you is you're too greedy.

-Greedy?

You'd be too if you were in my position.

look at the conditions I have to work under.

Look at you, all fat and sassy.

Champagne, fine cigars,

color TV, private beach,

and a nifty deli.

-That's what heaven's all about.

-Where'd it go wrong, Charlie?

-It's Charles.

-Charles.

Will you wait a minute?

-Now to be perfectly frank,

besides your garbage mouth, the whole secret is love.

-Love? You going to start that crap again?

-Yes, I am.

Love is the key.

-Oh, shit.

That's why you're a loser.

-Bullshit.

You trying to tell me all those rich bastards got way

You're not that stupid.

I'll bet you that if people had a choice of marrying for love or money,

-You're on.

You're on. I'll take your little bet.

I'll bet you 500 souls, love over greed.

-Make it a thousand. -Okay.

Now, our only problem is, who do we get to settle the bet?

-Yes, who?

-May I suggest Pat Boone?

-That's a giveaway.

-Mr. Goodbar? -No, thanks.

-Can't dance. -That's a matter of opinion.

-I do? Oh, yes, that's right.

Don Rickles? -How insulting.

-How about Anita Bryant?

-Sammy Davis Jr.?

-Boring.

-Hey, 1 got it, I got it.

How about Rita?

-Rita Hayworth? -No, Rita Lawrence.

She's hot shit. -I don't know,

-I know, I know, but she is up for another husband.

-That's true, and she could swing either way.

-Okay, Rita it is.

See you around.

-As I said, Esther, if you're going to get raped,

you might as well get fucked.

-Have you ever been here before?

-I'd love to go home.

-D.F. or F.F.?

-Huh?

-Diner first or fuck first?

Would you love me if I were poor?

-Of course, I'd love you.

I'd miss you,

but I'd love you.

-My dear, watching you eat is like watching a sink back up.

-Look, Mommy, there's Gloria.

-How subtle.

Another splashy entrance.

-I'll never go out with him again, Maggie.

Linda Lovelace and I go to the same dentist.

He told me I have the best set of teeth that he had ever come across.

-Hello? -Hello.

Darling, you look marvelous. -Oh, thank you.

Oh, it looks like a great party.

-Hello, sweetheart.

How are you? Good to see you.

-Oh, it's wonderful.

-Hi, how are you? -Hi, sweetheart.

-There you are.

Babes, how are you?

I'm sorry I'm late,

but as they say, better late than never.

Maggie, sweetheart, you look absolutely wonderful.

-She should.

Anyway, this party is for Rita.

She's celebrating her freedom.

Would you believe that this is her 13th divorce?

She goes through husbands faster than monkeys go through bananas.

That was Flora.

She's on some new diet.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, babes.

Good grief, slap my tits.

I'm Gloria, Rita's closest friend.

This is--

What did you say your name was?

-Clyde.

Oh, howdy.

Mighty proud to meet your acquaintance.

-Listen, I picked him up hitchhiking.

Anyway, fox brains.

Aha, this should be interesting.

-Agatha, babes, how are you?

This is Agatha and her son, Henry.

Henry is Rita's latest ex-husband.

I don't know how Rita does it, but she manages to maintain

Beats me.

-Oh, Henry, do stop gaping.

-Sorry, Mother. -You should be.

Do what this pea-brained son of mine did?

-He made the most ridiculous divorce settlement.

-lmagine, giving that money-hungry trollop $5,000

a week alimony.

-She's not a money-hungry trollop.

She's nice. -Is she?

Not only that, she gets the money for life,

whether she remarries or not.

He practically handed that bitch all my money on a silver platter.

-She's not a bitch either, Mommy.

Besides, I still do love her.

-Oh, Henry, you never did have much taste.

In fact, the only taste he ever had was in his mouth.

-Oh, I thought I'd lost you.

Isn't this party pure trash?

Speaking of trash--

-Hello, Rita.

-Rita? Oh, Rita.

This is Rita. She's one of my oldest friends.

Isn't she taffy?

Rita, I don't know how you manage to keep yourself looking so young and beautiful.

I just hope I live to be as old as you look.

-Rita, this is Clyde.

Clyde, Rita.

-Howdy.

I'm mighty proud to meet your acquaintance.

Gloria tells me a lot about you.

-I bet she does.

Where did you find him? He's delicious.

-Now, hands off, darling.

We're going to go and circulate a little.

-I always watch what I drink.

-I really do adore Gloria, but she can be such a terror at times.

Isn't this a wonderful day for a divorce?

Lily?

I'd like to introduce you to Lily.

This is Lily.

Lily, won't you tell the people a little bit about yourself?

-I'm five foot one.

My measurements are 32, 22, 32.

My hobbies are floors and windows.

I make a wonderful cauliflower souffle.

I love sleeping in the nude.

Also, I'm studying oral dynamics.

Thank you, Lily.

I really do wish you'd keep your tits out of the food.

My love.

My dolce.

Mi amor.

Mi sweet.

I implore you to marry me.

-Oh, mind him, he's staff.

Carlos, now we've been through this before.

Number one, I don't love you.

Number two, you have no money.

Number three, if you don't go back to work,

you'll have no job, capiche?

-Si, capiche, .

-Oh, I wonder where Gloria is.

You'll excuse me, won't you?

-Where are we going?

-You will find out.

Hey, the room is occupied.

Come on.

Excuse me, this is an emergency.

Lovely party, isn't it?

Okay, babe, climb in.

-I ain't dirty.

I don't need no shower.

-We'll soon fix that.

Oh, shit,

did you happen to bring a drink with you?

Damn. A drink, shit.

Huh?

Well, it's not Beefeater, but what the hell.

-You may continue.

-You know that in Great Britain, cunnilingus is called English muffin?

-Oh, mommy, stop carrying on.

-Carrying on?

You haven't seen the beginning of it yet, you numbskulls.

Do you realize that in four years, we will have paid her $1 million?

I'm not about to take it lightly, something must be done.

-And what are you going to do? -What am I going to do, do-do?

I am going to save the family fortune, that's what I'm going to do.

I'll take care of that fortune hunting hussy.

Hold on tight, tiger.

Glory is going to take a dive up periscope,

some periscope.

-Whoopee.

-So,

she doesn't want to marry me.

I'll make Miss Rita sorry she refused my love.

I can see it all now,

my grave site, the pouring rain, Rita wailing with grief.

It's all so tragic,

and then suddenly she throws herself onto my coffin

and then she is banging on it with her fists.

She is wailing with grief, "Forgive me, Carlos.

Forgive me, Carlos.

Forgive me, Carlos."

Gracia.

-Want some, partner? -Amen.

-Joy juice.

-Oh, ride me, daddy.

Ooh, that's--

-Oh, yes, mama.

-Oh, shit.

-Oh. Oh my God.

-Ladies and gentlemen,

before your very eyes, for the first and only time,

Carlos, The Human Torch.

Oh, mi scusi, does anyone have a match, huh?

-Oh, Carlos, cool off.

-Oh, good morning.

I see you're an early bird, too.

I like to get up early to start exercising.

I must keep fit.

Oh,

I know what you must be thinking.

My ex-husband's a novel.

It really isn't my fault that my marriages fell apart.

I tried very hard.

I truly did.

They were all such beast, animals.

They put me through such hell.

I was forced into my divorces,

and I only accepted payment for putting up with the horrors of my marriage.

I may be lonely now,

but I'm rich.

-Good morning, ma'am.

-Oh, good morning, Lily. -Good morning.

I'd like breakfast out on the terrace this morning.

I'd like you to make sure that everybody is up.

I'll be back in about an hour.

-Well, I'm hot to trot.

and I'm off to work.

Hi. Where's Frank?

-Oh, hi. He took his wife to the doctor's.

I hope you don't mind. -No, I don't mind.

I don't mind at all.

A little unfamiliar sex never hurt anybody.

You're pretty well developed there.

-Oh, I do about 50 push-ups a day.

-Really?

I wish you'd do a few on me.

Thanks, Doc.

I love you madly.

I cannot live without you.

Dear Rita, I am mad for you.

You caused my heart so much pain

that I must put an end to it.

Now.

To whom it concerns.

I, Carlos, cannot take it no more.

Rita doesn't love me.

When I die, I put a curse on her.

Oh, shit.

Bitch.

-Oh, my goodness.

The perfect time for me to practice my oral dynamics.

ah .. oh

What the hell?

-She's very good.

-Little Red Riding Hood rode on her horse.

Little Red Riding Hood is son of Rita, of course.

Along came Agatha,

gun in hand and shot that retard

right in the can.

Oh, not now. Can't you see I'm busy?

I said not now.

I thought I saw a bear.

I did see a bear.

-Oh, no.

Carlos,

I never drink martinis before noon.

I will have a Scotch on the rocks.

-Yes. Got a cold beer?

-Now, now. That's my kind of man.

-Honey, what do you think I am?

-Household finance?

Do you believe this?

Settle down.

We have business to attend to.

-Why can't we have a few days off?

for a new husband for me today.

Carlos is here.

-Oh, Carlos, please.

-Forget the business and marry for love.

-What and starve to death?

-Any suggestions?

-Well, there are quite a number of wealthy men

-What do you mean? Like an agent? -No.

More like a procurer.

-How much?

-Let's say 10%. -Expenses at the top?

-Fine. My lawyer or yours?

-Good. When can we start?

-Well, I do have someone special in mind and he's worth a bundle.

I can send him over this afternoon.

Carlos, for lunch, let's have an old-fashion picnic.

-Hurry up.

That concludes business.

I have other things to attend to like seeing a man about a horse.

Well, toodle-o0.

-Clyde, honey.

You ready for another shower?

-Yes.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Just thought I'd see how you doing.

-Just fine, ma'am.

-It's Rita.

-Rita.

-So you can do 50 push ups a day?

-Yes, that's right.

-Can you also do chin ups?

-Sometimes.

-How many?

-Oh, I can do about 25.

-Oh, I'll bet you can.

Oh, that's quite enough.

My goodness. That's quite a work out.

Are your muscles all tense after that? -No, not really.

-Oh, I bet they are.

I know a good cure for tense muscles.

A good massage always helps.

Would you like one?

-I really have a lot of work to do.

-Oh, come on.

Come on. Lean over here.

Yes.

Oh, my, muscles really are tense.

They really are.

How does that feel?

Better?

Nice ass.

You just relax yourself for a second, huh?

Turn around. Let me do your front.

Relax. I don't bite much.

-Oh God, I don't believe this is really happening.

-Okay, love.

Now it's my turn.

-Huh?

This has got to be a dream.

-Come on, baby. ah .. oh

-As you know Ms. Lawrence, the Worthington family heritage

goes back all the way to the Mayflower.

We still maintain our puritanical standards.

-Okay, of course.

Would you care for some wine.

To drink the devil's water?

-Oh no,

just thought you'd like to christen moment.

-Mr. Worthington, you remind me so much of Stanley,

one of my former husbands.

He was just like you,

gentle and kind and wealthy.

It's just too bad that it all had to come to an end.

Oh, I truly loved him,

even though it was he that forced me into the divorce courts.

Oh, it was just awful.

Well, Stanley,

what's it going to be, divorce or the torch?

-Divorce.

-I can see you were truly in love with him.

-Yes.

-Don't let it get you down.

Why?

You have your whole future to worry about.

-You're right.

Let's eat.

ah .. oh

-I can see you like my potato salad.

-No. -I made it myself.

-No.

-Oh, is he at it again?

Lily dear, would you please go take care of him?

-Yes, ma'am.

-Care for some spareribs?

ah .. oh

-Are spare ribs too spicy?

-No. No.

-Oh, I see you want to take me for a walk.

-No. I got to go.

-Never. -Never?

-Never, never, never, never, never, never.

-My, what a delicate stomach.

-Hello.

Oh, hi, Rita.

Can you hang on a second?

Clyde, you don't mind if I talk while you eat?

Hi, babes.

-Well, Gloria, I'm sorry.

It just didn't go too well, I'm afraid.

They must have been acting up.

-Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, honey,

but don't fret.

I have someone else in mind to line you up with.

Be at The Ritz at 8 o'clock tonight.

I'll put the dinner reservations in your name and you can meet him there.

-I assure you that he will come.

Bye.

Oh, oh.

-Ms. Lawrence,

do you mind if I call you Rita?

-Oh, Mr. Cornwall, we hardly know each other.

Perhaps a little later this evening.

-Thank you.

Oh, may we please have some water?

-Oh, yes, ma'am.

Oh, isn't this just simply divine?

-Taste like the same old crap to me.

-Oh, of course, that's what I meant.

Divine crap.

-Ms. Lawrence,

why don't we skip out of here and fool around a little bit?

-Mr. Cornwall,

what kind of a woman do you think I am?

I'm a woman of position.

-I hope it's a missionary position.

Miss Lawrence, forgive me.

I got carried away.

-Oh, that's fine.

That's funny though,

that's just what Otto said to me before our divorce.

-Divorce?

-Then you're not a virgin, huh?

"Otto, you haven't too much time.

Have you made your decision yet?"

-All right. All right, I'll give you the divorce.

-The settlement?

-Anything.

-He sounds like a real prick.

What you need is a lot of loving.

-Yes,

I do. -I do?

I didn't mean marriage.

- I'm going to wash that bitch right out of my hair.

I'm going to wash that bitch right out of my hair.

I'm going to wash that bitch right out of my hair

and send her on her way.

-Pleasant dreams, sweet pea.

-Are we boring you?

-I wouldn't recommend the spaghetti here.

-Excuse me, Mr. Cornwall. I must go powder my nose.

-I'd like to powder her butt.

-I only have a few minutes, you know?

-Everybody out, now.

All right, we only have five minutes, and then we're never going to see

Come over here.

Stop.

Now, I don't want you ever to take your eyes off of mine.

Right now, I want you to reach around the back of your dress,

slowly,

very slowly.

I want you to start to unzip it,

that's fine,

just fine,

and I want you to slowly start to lower that dress.

Lower it further, yes.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that's nice.

All right, stop.

Now, I want you to reach up

with your right hand, your right hand,

to your left breast.

I want you to slowly start to massage that breast.

Yes. Oh, that's beautiful.

All right,

now I want you to pull that dress down slowly,

Tease me.

Show me.

Oh, yes.

Oh, that's beautiful.

All right.

All right, now stop.

All right.

Come here.

Come over here,

right over here.

Oh, yes.

That's right, go down on it.

Easy,

slow and easy.

Oh, yes, that's right.

Oh, yes, lady, that's just fine, really fine.

Take it. You can take it.

You can take it all, that's nice.

Stop.

-Go easy, go easy.

Easy back, easy.

No, it's my turn.

-That is tight, yes?

-Now, you're ready.

Now, you're ready.

-You're ready, huh?

-Yes, yes.

ah .. oh

-Here, a dart?

There, a tart.

-I'm sorry to keep you waiting, there was a long line.

-Oh, crap,

and he stiffed me too.

-Oh, Mr. Cornwall, this dinner was just a slice of heaven.

I wish there was a way I could thank you.

-Let me count the ways.

Listen, I really must go now.

-Oh, call me in the morning.

Boy, the martinis they make here are really Killers.

-Well, what do you think?

-My sentiments exactly.

-Ha, almost.

-Pretty good.

Hey. All right.

-Listen, do you think Mr. Cornwall is going to pop the question?

I'm quite sure he will.

I do have a lot of experience.

-Tell me, darling.

If he does, what will your answer be?

-That all depends.

-Tomorrow, first thing but I'll tell you, honey,

-How wonderful.

I can just hear those wedding bells now.

-That's funny.

I can't hear a thing.

What a ding-a-ling.

Darling, I have a brilliant idea.

Since your days of freedom are numbered, why don't we go out and celebrate?

-Oh, that is a good idea.

What did you have in mind?

-Oh, little smoke, little coke, and maybe a few poke.

You're so bad.

-Where the hell are they?

-Pardon the pun, but speak of the devil.

-Oh, yes. Honey, I hope you left your inhibition at home tonight

because we are going to have a ball.

-Of course.

-Rita, why don't you run along and check out the party guests?

-Of course.

-Always stuff going on around here.

There's no love here.

Why don't you admit it in and give in and admit defeat?

Now, Lou, don't jump the gun.

I'm feeling something's going to happen tonight that just might turn the tide.

-What do you mean?

-Observe

-Great trick. How did you do that?

There you are.

Where have you been, babe?

-I'm not sure. -What's wrong?

Smoke too much weed?

Why don't you get some of these?

-Oh.

Oh, good morning.

Whatever's good about it.

Now, yesterday was a good day.

-You're telling me?

-You know, I met a man last night.

Anyways, I think I did. -You did?

-He was so beautiful.

I really think I could fall in love with him.

It's boring. Give it a chance.

-The problem is I don't know who he is, where to find him,

-Well, that sounds sad. There has got to be a way.

-There's got to be a way. -That a girl.

-I know. I'll hire a detective.

-Don't forget about Mr. Cornwall.

-Tell him to go to hell. Hey.

Thanks for the recommendation. -Don't mention it.

Mr. Cornwall is here.

-Oh, tell him to go to hell.

Oh, I forgot I told him I was going to spend the day with him.

Lily dear, tell him I'll be right down.

-No way.

-Oh, well, I guess it's time to face the music.

-Oh, I'm so excited. Oh.

-Oh, I'm so excited too, but don't cum yet.

I ain't ready.

-Yes, Gloria?

-Just came through the computer.

Guess how much that old lecherous fart is worth.

-I give up. How much?

-$8.2 million.

-Oh, whoopee. -What's wrong?

You don't sound too enthusiastic.

You're not thinking of turning him down, are you?

It's just-- -It's just what?

-It's just that I didn't expect so much.

-Oh, neither did I, but isn't it just wonderful?

I got to go now, honey.

I'll see you later.

Ok Clyde, honey, deliver it on home.

I'm in money.

We're in money.

-Oh, my God. It's him.

-I never thought I'd meet you again.

-Neither did I.

What are you doing here in the country?

-I just moved in down the road,

and you?

-Same here.

I mean, I've always been here.

-I'm Steve.

-I'm Rita Lawrence.

-Well,

what shall we do about it?

-What did you have in mind?

-Oh, first of all, I hope you don't have any plans

because you're spending it with me.

-Well, let's just wing it.

-Well, this is getting ridiculous.

-Rita,

I have a dynamite idea that's going to blast your brains.

Clever, huh?

-Get away from me you little twerp or I'll shove it up your tail.

Oh, when the saints, oh, when the saints,

oh, when the saints come marching in.

-Watch what happens when the love birds kiss.

-Oh, Steve,

this is the most wonderful day I've ever had.

-If I have my way,

it won't be the last.

-Come on and kiss the hussy.

-Oh, wow.

Did you feel that?

-Yes, it really must be love.

ah .. oh

-This is not funny.

-Carlos, serve champagne before dinner and wine with dinner.

Make sure that the champagne is properly chilled,

Lily, where are the flowers?

-I'll get them now.

-Carlos, music, and please, turn down the lights.

Lily, Steve is just going to love this.

-His first name is Steve?

Oh, Mr. Cornwall is such a nice man.

-Oh, no, Lily.

Mr. Cornwall's coming on Friday.

-Oh,

but today is Friday.

Fuck.

-Quick, set up another table, and Mr. Cornwall

and I will dine in the den.

-What about, this-a Steve?

-We'll dine here.

Oh, I'll get the door, you two set everything else up.

-Quick bet? No.

-Clyde, what are you doing there?

Oh, thank you. Here.

Congratulations on your engagement.

This is for your one last fling.

Of all nights...

Well...

What the hell?

-This should be very interesting.

-No one will find us here in the guest room.

Darn, look, Clyde, you just make yourself a little more comfortable

and I'll be back in a few moments.

-Oh well.

-Oh, Mr. Cornwall, you look so young and dashing this evening.

you really do have a way with words. Won't you come in?

-Oh, Mr. Cornwall, we've got such a special dinner,

Nicely?

You're just going to love it.

Champagne?

-Care for some popcorn?

-Love some.

-Steve, come on in.

-A toast to us.

-So far, she's been pretty lucky.

Tonight,

I'll get her.

-Excuse me while I check the meat.

-Till then.

-How are you doing, Mr. Cornwall?

Swell.

-Clyde.

-I'll be right up.

-Oh, it sure is stuffy in here.

Oh, there you are.

What are you hiding under that?

-Huh?

Oh, nothing.

-You call that nothing?

ah .. oh

I'm sorry I took so long, darling.

-That's all right.

How's the meat?

-The meat? Damn.

-Oh, Carlos, it's electric.

Thanks, I needed that.

-Rita, darling,

before we eat,

I'd like to ask you a very important question.

-Will you marry me.

-Oh, I need a few moments to think about that,

I'll be right back

-I've had ziggies and Monte Carlo, expecting trillions in gold mines.

-How are you doing, Mr. Cornwall?

-More champagne?

-Fine, just fine.

-Wonderful -Fine, just fine.

Fine, just fine.

-Clyde, are you ready for round number two?

-I like you.

You like me?

I really want to marry you.

-Oh, brother.

Oh, God.

ah .. oh

-Steve, darling, I thought about it but I need a few more moments.

-I'm going to make millions, maybe zillions.

I'm going to be the richest man on the whole God damn world.

-Oh, I'm having such a wonderful time.

-Me too. You're such a wonderful conversationalist.

-You're such a flatter. -I'd like to do more than flatter you.

Before I ask you to marry me.

Do you have any aspirns?

-Yes, I certainly do.

I'll get some for you.

In the bathroom.

-Water.

This should work.

-This electric hair dryer,

-Where'd the scream come from?

What the hell is going on?

-The ghost, the ghost. I saw the ghost of Cozy Coals.

-Oh, Carlos, there's no ghost.

Now, let's just all go back where we came from, okay?

-Who are you?

-I'm her fiancée!

I'm her fiancée.

-What do you mean by that...

-Oh, it would have been just fine if it wasn't for the damn ghost

and Cozy-coo.

Now I have to make a decision.

-First, let's eliminate Clyde.

he's very good in the sack, but after that,

Mr. Cornwall. -There's only one possible choice.

-Maybe I should marry for love.

-Yes. No, don't listen to that pig-headed fool.

-You can't buy real love.

-Love doesn't pay the electric bill, you dumb fart.

-Dumb fart? -It takes one to know one,

-I've had enough of you. -You've had enough?

-Oh, God, I'm having such a failure with my conscience.

I just can't stand it.

What am I going to do?

Oh, I wonder where he is.

-Rita, babe, don't be so impatient.

He'll be here any moment.

-Oh, I know, I know. I just can't wait to get started.

I'll just think a honeymoon around the world.

-I still think she made the big mistake.

Maybe next time.

-I doubt if there will be a next time.

Oh, no. Oh, no.

No.

No. No. No.

-Talk about frustrated housewives.

-He's here.

I'm going to miss you, babe.

-Of course I will.

Now, Lily, darling, you take good care of the house,

and I'll see you when I return.

-Oh, please.

-Bye, darling.

We'll miss you.

-Where to,

boss?

-To hell and back.

Heaven can wait.