All language subtitles for Little Focghghukers 2010

Sweetheart, remember that
you're doing pick-up today

and you need to call the
face painter for the party.

Oh, and Henry needs more Lactaid.

All right. Got it.

Pick up the kids, call the face
painter, get Lactaid. I got it.

Also, I'm going to
drop by the new house

and see how the work's coming.

Oh, okay, awesome.

Can you make sure that you measure

the backyard for
the bouncy castle?

We're going to have a bouncy
castle at our birthday party?

- Do you want a bouncy castle?
- Yeah.

Then, yes, we'll have the best
bouncy castle in the whole world.

Bouncy castle. Bouncy
castle. Bouncy castle...

And an Ultimate Fighting Octagon?

I don't know about that.

But, hey, you talked to me.

I was talking to Mummy.

Okay, but just now, you
talked to me by saying that.

Why does she have such a problem?

It's just a phase. Don't push it.

Hey, sweetheart, it
hurts Daddy's feelings

when you give him the
silent treatment.

I'm ready for school,
I'm ready for

school. Pick me up, pick me up.

All right. Hey, Henry,

you know you can't bring
Arthur to school.

But he's my best friend.

Honey, he's your
best lizard friend.

You've got lots of
non-lizard friends.

Not really.

Really?

Nope.

Oh. All right, have a
good day. I love you.

You're kidding me.

You can't take that to school,
monkey. Go put that in your room.

Sam, I will see you. I love you.

- Sam.
- Hey.

What? Yeah, oh,
golly, okay. See you.

Thanks. Love you.

There he is.

Hey, Randy. How you doing?

Gregory Focker.

How's it going?

- Wonderful to see you.
- Great to see you.

Listen, I just came by to check
out the backyard and measure.

Because we want to do a bouncy

castle for the kids
birthday party.

Aw.

That's terrific, Gregory.

Okay, you're about
five minutes late.

Yeah, I know.

A Miss Denslow from the
administrative board called.

She wants to get a list
of the budget cuts.

You have a meeting in 20
minutes with John Raider

and some drug rep from
Pfosten Pharmaceuticals

is waiting in your
office. Andi something.

There's a drug rep in there?

Okay, look, in three minutes,

pop your head in and tell me I
have to go to my next meeting.

Okay. All right?

Sorry, I got to make this really
quick. I got a very busy morning.

I understand, Nurse
Focker. I'm Andi Garcia.

Oh, hi.

You have a lot less
stubble in person.

I'm... There's an actor
named Andy Garcia.

Who?

Widow's peak. Sort of tough guy.

I was just kidding. Of course,
I know who Andy Garcia is.

I get that all the time.

Yeah. You must get
it all the time.

Because you're named Andi Garcia.

I loved the article you
wrote in the AMA Journal,

Putting Patients First.

- You read that?
- I loved it.

It was so cool getting a nurse's

perspective on the
health care crisis.

Yeah, that was the idea.

I actually started out
as a nurse, myself.

Really? Oh, well, nowadays, I
do less nursing and more...

Annoying meetings with drug reps
you'd rather not deal with?

Hey, Greg, it's time
for your next meeting.

That's okay, I'm fine,
Kristen. Thank you.

Yeah, but he doesn't like to wait.

You know how he is, you know.

Well, it's John Raider?

Yeah, he's really picky...

He always runs late.
Always runs late. Thanks.

You're swamped.

No, I'm good. You
want to have a seat?

Yeah. Okay.

I'll make this quick.

So we are launching a killer
new product at Pfosten

and, while we usually hire doctors
to lead our presentations,

I have a feeling about you.

I think you have the potential
to be a medical superstar.

And you'd be perfect to represent
our new drug, Sustengo.

Ah. Sustengo. All right. It's an
erectile dysfunction medicine.

It's not just any erectile
dysfunction medicine.

It's the first ED pill on the
market safe for heart patients.

Because, in addition to increasing
the penile blood flow...

See that penis?

It acts as a beta blocker

to keep the heart rate
down during intercourse.

I mean, how dope is that?

That's pretty dope.

Nurse Focker needed
in room 220 B, stat.

I'm sorry, hang on one second.

Nurse Focker, room 220 B.

Will you get out of my ass?

If you would stop
squirming around...

But you don't know
what you're doing.

It could have been over,
sir. Hey, hey, hey,

how you doing there, Mr
Androvsky? Everything okay?

Well, this nurse is a barbarian.

Okay, I'm not a barbarian.

He keeps clenching and I
can't make an insertion.

Louis, it's...

It's a natural response
to protect that cavity.

You're right, it is
a natural response.

I would protect my cavity, too.

And we just got to do it
a little bit gentler.

May I suggest something?

Sir, why don't you
extend your left leg

and put your right knee
right up to your chest.

It'll help relax
things down there.

She's right.

You just do that and
you just grab the

side of the bed there, like that,

and exhale... There you go.

Nurse, did you sufficiently
lubricate the nozzle?

- I did do that.
- Great.

- Good, good, okay.
- You got this?

Yep.

All right. Take a
nice deep breath.

And focus on relaxing your anus.

Right. That's right. You
just want to let it dilate,

sort of like a flower opening up.

Blossoming lotus.

Sort of like a desert cactus.

Maturing.

It's okay.

Just a little, friendly
visitor just saying hello.

All right, I'm just going to
stick it in a little further.

Oh.

Good smooth insertion.

Thank you.

I'm going to release the
clamp. And let it flow.

Better.

How's that?

That was great.

Nice technique.

That was so fun.

Yeah, yeah.

I was thinking about
it and, honestly,

I just don't have
time to moonlight

pitching a drug right now.

Shot down.

No, it's not you. It's just...

No, I get it, you know.

Running nursing in
med-surge is a big job.

Yeah, yeah, so big,

I'm making less than I did
when I was in the ER.

Look, we are sponsoring a
convention at the Hilton.

You can make tons of dough
for, like, one speech.

Think about it.

Okay. I will, I'll
think about it. Okay.

Knuckles?

Knuckles.

That was bad-ass, by the way.

Yeah. Literally.

Dr Bob.

Scumbag.

Jack, my taxi's here.

Oh, honey, I just
got off with Deb.

They are officially separated.

Dr Bob finished moving out.

That lowlife.

Yeah. You can say that again.

You sure you don't want
me to come with you?

No, you know, I think Deb needs

a little mother-daughter
time, honey.

All right?

Having an affair with a nurse.

I can't believe I didn't
see the warning signs.

He was very discreet.

She didn't even know until
she saw those text messages.

Whatever you call them.

Yeah, but I'm trained to detect
that sort of behaviour, honey,

and the truth is I was so busy

putting Focker
through the wringer,

Dr Bob slipped right
under my radar.

Oh, don't be so hard on yourself.

Well, I'll never let
that happen again.

Are you having one of your little
heart palpies again, Jack?

My muscles are a little tight.

Yeah, yeah. From stress.

I can see that. Okay, will you
just, please, just relax, okay?

Everything is going to
be all right. Honest.

- Oh, I got to go.
- Okay.

I'm going to miss you.

Hey, Mum.

Hello, my precious prince,
how are you, darling?

Good. How's the TV show going?

Oh, great. You know what this
week's episode is about?

Using the latest sexual toys
to spice up your love life.

- Really?
- Yeah.

As an early Hanukkah present,

I'm going to send you and Pam a
box of these musical condoms.

Don't do that.

You got to hear this, honey.
There's a little speaker inside.

And the faster you go,
the louder it gets.

You know what? Mum, Pam and I are

fine. We don't need
musical condoms.

Honey, every couple can
use a little stimulation.

Oh, by the way, interesting
episode last week.

Which one? Masturbation
Through The Ages?

I thought we agreed
you weren't going to

talk about me on the air any more.

Please, it was just
a little anecdote

about carpal tunnel syndrome

from excessive self-pleasuring.

I have to connect your
father now, okay?

We need to tell you something.

Ooh.

Hi. Gay? Roz?

- Hello?
- Yeah, I'm here.

- Gaylord?
- Dad?

- Can you hear me?
- Where are you?

You won't believe it.
I'm in Seville, Spain.

Where... What are
you doing in Spain?

I'm studying.

Sweetheart, your
father decided that

he's not going to make
it to the twins' party.

- What?
- Let me explain?

Gay, you remember when
your mother's show

hit number one in the ratings

and she signed on
for a second year?

I looked in the mirror
and I said, Who am I?

Then I see this
clip on the YouTube

and there is a Spanish guy and
he's dancing the flamenco.

And the sweat is
pouring off his face

and there is such
passion in his eyes

- and I said, That's it.
- That's what?

That's me. I am flamenco.
I will master this art.

Dad, this is crazy. What are
you doing? You're in Spain?

You're going to miss the party?

You picked a hell of a time
to go through man-opause.

Roz, I am not going
through man-opause,

I'm just trying to
find my true north.

True north, huh? What are
you, a compass or something?

No, but let's face it.

I'm a stay-at-home dad

whose kid hasn't lived
at home in 25 years.

There's an Arthur Murray studio
right here in Miami Beach.

Why schlep all the way to Spain?

I can't believe you, Roz.

Why can't you support my dreams

the way I have always
supported yours?

- Guys, guys...
- When you wanted to try

new sex positions for your
research, I was your guinea pig.

You volunteered.

- I pulled my hamstring...
- Hey. Hey.

Doing a reverse cowgirl.

That's because you
did it backwards.

I never went soft on you.

Bernie, do you hear how
you're upsetting your son?

- Let me talk.
- Listen, will you?

That son of a bitch.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

- Hello?
- 911, what's your emergency?

Yeah, my name is Jack Byrnes. I
live at 28 Cherry Blossom Lane.

I'm going into cardiac arrest.

I need an ambulance right away.

I'm guessing your average
response time at this hour

is between 12 and 17 minutes.

I need you to do better than
that. Thank you, goodbye.

Stay calm, Mr Jinx. I'm going
to defibrillate myself.

Clear.

Seriously, though, my dad, he
always sounds a little crazy,

but this was like a
whole different level.

No, I mean they were
really going at it.

Really?

She accused him of going
through man-opause.

Is that a real thing?

Your parents have the best
marriage of anyone I know.

They will be fine.

Yeah, I guess so.

You were talking about the kids.

Really, their teacher
suggested private school?

Yeah, she said she was concerned
about them getting lost

in the public school
system or something.

What's the name of this place?

The Early Human School.

I have absolutely
heard of that place.

Sounds like a school
for Neanderthals.

No, it's actually considered
the Harvard of kindergartens.

Well, I think Harvard's cheaper.

I'll go see who that is.

Hey, greetings from the Black
Sea. You look terrific.

Hi, stranger, thanks.
What are you doing there?

Listen, Pam. Is there any
way I could speak to Greg?

I want to get his advice on
something, believe it or not.

Sure, absolutely. Hey, Greg?

Yeah.

Greg, honey, it's
your buddy, Kevin.

Hold on. Thank you.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How you doing, man?

I was just doing a little sailing

and living the dream,
G-Diggity-Dog.

- Cheers.
- Kevin.

- Hey.
- You need a refill on that

goji berry smoothie?

You read my mind.
Fill her up, Pak-Man.

Greg, you know Deepak
Chopra, right?

I know of him.

- Hi, Greg.
- Hi, Mr Chopra.

Dr Chopra.

Get out of here, you rascal.

So, listen, the reason why I'm
calling is because next week...

Kevin, who do you Skype with?

I am just talking to my
friend, Greg Focker.

- Hey.
- Come here.

Hey, honey, what'd you
do with Henry's Lactaid?

Oh, crap, I forgot. Sorry.

Well, okay. But did you
call the face-paint lady?

No, I'm sorry.

I had, like, 97
things to do, so...

Honey, I asked you to do two
things, that's all I asked.

I know. Sorry, babe.

Okay, so here's the dealio.

I'm going to propose to Svetlana.

You're going to propose?
That's incredible.

I'm going to have three Russian
MiG fighter jets fly by

and skywrite Marry me, Svetlana.

And then I'm going to hide a

50-carat super-tasteful
diamond ring

in this tin of
extremely rare beluga.

Then we will finish the night

with a special performance
that I choreographed

with members of the Bolshoi
Ballet, dedicated to our love.

Thoughts?

Honestly, I'm thinking maybe
it's a little too involved.

Yeah?

I mean, with Pam, my
whole thing was just

keep it simple, speak
from the heart.

Keep it simple and speak from
the heart. I like it, man.

You know what? I'd better call off
some Russian MiG fighter jets.

And, hey, by the time
I get to Chi-town,

this old dog here could
be an engaged man.

Hey, Kevin? Yeah.

The jet skis are ready.

The jet skis are ready?

Well, fire them up for me. Okay.

I'll be right there.

Jet-skiing monks.

Wow, I cannot believe that Kevin
is finally settling down.

Well, I think he's
found a soul mate.

Yeah?

Hey, you're going to eat some
of this. She seemed nice.

Yeah. I am very happy for Kevin.

I love him, especially when
he's not obsessed with you.

Oh, come on. You're
being ridiculous.

Oh, you got it?

Hey, sweetheart, will you please

take a bite of the lasagne, honey?

- No.
- Do you not like it?

Hey, what's the good
word, Grandpa Jack?

Yay.

Greg.

This is Jack Byrnes.

Yeah, I know. I could
tell from the caller ID.

How are you doing?

Greg, excuse yourself from the
table by saying these exact words,

I don't know if I still have
it, but let me check my files.

What? If Pam asks you what I want,

tell her that I asked you to
locate your birth certificate

for my genealogical work.

Just do it.

I don't know if I have that,
Jack, but let me check my files.

Files? You have files?

Yes, yeah, I do. I keep files.

He wants me to get
my birth certificate

for that family tree
thing he's doing.

Jack? Everything okay?

Everything is fine, Greg, I
suffered a minor heart attack,

but I was able to
defibrillate myself

before going into
fatal cardiac arrest.

Jesus. You defibrillated yourself?

The doctor said I was a lucky man

and I've just got to watch my diet

and keep my stress level down.

Wow, okay, so I guess

you guys aren't
going to be able to

come to the twins' birthday party.

No, Dina and I will be
there as planned, Greg.

And I was able to keep this
on a need-to-know basis.

And right now, you're the only
person who needs to know.

Well, come on, Jack. I mean,
I think Dina needs to know.

Greg, stop talking and listen.

Okay.

Now, my genealogical research has

allowed me to track
the Byrnes family

as far back as 1643.

1643?

Now, I wouldn't be able to do
that, say, to your family,

what with all the wandering
peddlers and nameless peasants.

But, as long as there
have been Byrneses,

there's always been a patriarch

to lead our family through
good times and bad.

And I've finally come
to the realisation

that the next in line
to the throne, Greg,

is you.

Me.

Yes, you, Greg.

Well... So my question is this,

in the event of my demise, are you
prepared to lead this family?

You know, Jack, we're right
in the middle of dinner.

Maybe we could talk
about this, you

know, when you come into town.

If I go down, Greg, I need to
know someone will be responsible

for the whole Byrnes clan.

So I ask you, Greg, are
you prepared to be

the Godfocker?

The Godfocker?

The Godfocker.

Well, that is a very powerful
turn of phrase, Jack.

And when you say
Godfocker, I mean...

I mean, I think I know what
you mean, but I'm just...

What exactly does that mean?

It's an attitude, Greg.
It's a confidence.

It's the way you carry yourself

that lets the world know that
the buck stops with you.

Yeah, I hear you.

None of this can be achieved
without the basics.

A secure home for your family,

a top-notch education
for your children...

Okay.

And last but not
least, having your

financial house in order, Greg.

Is that it?

Are you laughing?

Yeah, no, I'm just...
I was making... No.

Because this is no
laughing matter, Greg.

Good, because I'm
not laughing. Okay?

Are you saying you have what
it takes to be the Godfocker?

Greg?

Yes, Jack. I have what it takes

to be the Godfocker.

I feel like a great weight has
been lifted off my shoulders.

And an equally great
weight put onto yours.

I like it. I like the
weight. I want it.

All right. Need-to-know.

Need-to-know. Just you and me.

See you in two weeks.

Okay. Bye.

Hey, did you find it?

Find what?

Your birth certificate?

Yes. It was in my files.

You know, I was thinking,
maybe we should

take a look at that
Early Human School.

Great. I'll make some phone
calls and set up a tour.

- Good.
- Good.

Samantha.

Henry.

You going to have your lasagne?

No, thank you.

You know, your mother worked very
hard making that lasagne for you.

No. It tastes funny.

He said he was feeling
kind of queasy, so...

It's okay.

Henry,

I'm your father and I'm requesting
of you to eat the lasagne.

Fine.

Good.

- Hello.
- Hello?

Greg? This is Jack Byrnes.

Jack Byrnes, this is Greg Focker.

I know, Greg. I called you.

Dina and I will be there in
approximately 18 seconds.

Eighteen seconds, got it.

Oh, no, that's yours, honey.

Welcome, in-laws.

Oh, Gregor. My goodness.

Dina, Dina Bobina,
Banana Fana Fofina.

I'm so happy to see you.

Lovely Dina.

You, too, Gregor.

Hello, Jack.

Greg.

Everything okay, Greg?

Everything's great.

Good.

Unfortunately, renovations
on the house,

not quite where I'd
like them to be.

Well, those things happen.

They do. I mean,
never to me before.

And Sam here has done very, very
well with her Tae Kwon do lessons.

She's a... What are
you? A yellow belt now?

- Yep.
- Yellow belt.

Wow, sweetheart. Very impressive.

She's lethal. She is a ninja.

Proud of her.

Now, Henry, you're going to
drink your milk, aren't you?

You want to hit the same
growth spurt as your sister.

Jack.

I'm just saying, you know,
it's hard to believe

that they're three minutes apart.

Henry, do what your grandpa says.

Aw, man. For real.

Good man.

Okay. Who wants some turkey?

I do, right here. Right here.

Sweetheart, you didn't have to
make a whole turkey just for us.

Why not?

Actually, Greg did it.

Greg.

Well, I remember at last
year's Thanksgiving,

Jack said he liked
roast turkey so much

and he couldn't understand why
people only had it once a year.

Excellent memory, Greg.

Plus, it's a
wonderfully lean meat.

Healthy. Good for your heart.

Such a sweetheart.

Grandpa Jack, can I
ask you a question?

You surely can.

How come you're afraid of lizards?

Henry, that's a very good
question. And I'll tell you why.

When I was stationed in the Mekong
Delta during the Vietnam War,

a tiny gecko crawled into my ear
one night and laid its eggs.

And I had to endure the torturous
probing of our unit's medic

to remove the lizard
larvae from my ear canal

before they hatched into my brain.

Jack.

Cool.

Yuck.

Yes, thanks for sharing that, Dad.

All right, gobble, gobble,
everybody. It's turkey time.

That looks good.
That's a work of art.

Thank you very much.

Looks great, Greg.

Thank you, Jack. And to carve it,

I thought we might use the
beautiful Irish hunting knife

emblazoned with the
Byrnes family crest

that Jack so thoughtfully
brought back for us

from his ancestral homeland.

- Look at that, kids.
- Great.

Wow. Look at that.

See that crest? That was
used by your ancestors

long time ago, back in the olden
days, to identify their family.

Daddy, can I ask you a question?

Absolutely. He loves
history. Just soaks it up.

Can a girl poop from her vagina?

No, she cannot.

They're a little
young for genealogy.

Yes.

Just a little off topic there.

Jack. Here you go.

Greg. You're the
turkey carver now.

Thank you. I'm honoured.

All right. Let's carve
the roast beast.

Let's see. I think
I'll start right side.

Nice and tender.

So, Greg, how are you
liking your new job?

Well, I'll tell you, Dina,

it's a lot of
responsibility on my plate.

But that's kind of
what I love about it.

I mean, the opportunity
to manage an entire unit,

in a way, it's kind of like...

Christ. Shit.

Why couldn't you just get
him a warm-blooded animal?

- Pressure.
- Mum.

Honey. It's okay,
it's okay, honey.

- Hello.
- Where is he going? Are you okay?

Hey, Kevin.

It's Kevin, everybody.

What? Okay.

You're in Chicago?

Hey. Hey.

- Hey, everybody. Hello.
- Kevin.

J.B.

Oh. Good to see you.

There he is. The engaged guy.

How you doing, man?

Oh. What happened to your pointer?

I had a little incident with the

business end of a
turkey. It's cool.

- Where's Svetlana?
- Yeah.

Or should I say, the
future Mrs Kevin Rawley?

She broke up with me.

- No.
- Oh.

You're kidding.

I'm so sorry.

Thanks, Pam.

You always know exactly the
right thing to say to me.

I'm so sorry?

My anchor.

What happened?

- What?
- What happened?

I don't know. I'm still trying
to make sense of it myself.

We were having some street food

outside a government
building in Bulgaria

and I said, Hey, you
want to get married?

And I took out a
little piece of string

and I tied the twine
around her finger,

and she just... She threw it
on the ground and said no.

Or nyet, because she's Russian.

She caught the next plane out
of there. Goodbye, Kevin.

Your proposal seems
way out of character.

Why did you put so
little effort into it?

Greg told me to.

What are you... Kevin, no, no.

What are you talking
about? I didn't...

- Daddy?
- I can't sleep.

Still in diapers.

No, Jack, they're pull-ups.
We're weaning him off diapers.

What's up, man?

I can't stop thinking
about all that blood.

Really? All right, well, how
about I read you a story?

Uncle Kevin.

How you doing, tiger?

- Good.
- Oh.

Wow.

Are you having a
hard time sleeping?

- Yeah.
- Oh.

There we go.

Jesus. Henry?

- Are you...
- He's sleeping.

He's sleeping. I put
him in a still-point.

It's a massage technique

that relaxes the body by gently

easing the flow of
cerebrospinal fluid.

Yeah. Look at him.

He's going to wake up
feeling so refreshed.

I've been studying a lot of
Eastern medicine in my down time.

Well, listen, I just came
by to say my hellos,

so I will head on out.

- Good.
- Okay.

Hey, Kev, listen, do you
need a place to stay?

No, he doesn't. You got
a place to stay, right?

- And we're pretty full up.
- Not a problem.

I volunteer at a South
Side homeless shelter.

So, I'll probably stay there

and just work the soup
kitchen line in the morning.

That is so wonderful, Kevin.

Yeah, it's funny,
I feed them food,

but those vagrants and
drifters feed my soul,

so it works out pretty
good for all of us.

Perfect. We always
need extra hands,

if you guys want to come
on down tomorrow...

Actually, Greg and I are taking
a tour of this place called

the Early Human School tomorrow.

But maybe after...
You're kidding me,

the Early Human School?

Right.

My investment group handles
their endowment fund.

In fact, the director, Prudence,

is a dear friend and
ex-lover of mine.

I'm going to put in a
good word for you.

That would be great, wouldn't it?

Oh, of course.

Or not. I mean, you know, she's an

ex-lover, I think
that'd be awkward.

No, nonsense. I'm on great
terms with all my ex-lovers.

- Thanks.
- Sure.

Okay. All right, well, you
know, whatever feels right.

After the tour, Greg, I was hoping
you'd show us your new house.

And, Kevin, when you're
done feeding the bums,

why don't you meet us there?

Okay. I'll be there.

You know what, Jack? I still have
some items on the punch list

to go through with
the contractors,

so I'm thinking maybe we should
put it off for a few days.

Ah, no, let's do it
tomorrow. Well, I think...

We'll meet you there at
noon, Kevin. I don't know.

- At noon?
- Yeah, all right. Okay.

And we're going to get
you through this.

Anything you need, you come to me.

Okay. Thanks, J.B.

Yeah. Or me.

Okay.

Well, you can come
to either of us.

Yeah, we're here for you.

Thanks.

Careful, yeah.

- I feel like crap.
- Yeah.

You're burning up.

Yeah, I must have gotten the
flu the kids had last week.

Oh, my God, the
school tour is today.

Yeah, I know.

Honey, what am I going to do?

I'll do it. Okay? I'll handle it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah, and your mum

can take the kids to school.

But what about my dad?

I got it, all right?

I really appreciate your including
me on the school tour, Greg.

Oh, Jack, you are a
trusted advisor.

I mean, your words hit home
about a top-notch education,

getting your financial
house in order.

That's it. That's it.

It's all about the kids, right?

The next generation.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

Makes me feel that
I've chosen wisely.

Of course, children change
everything in a marriage,

and that was the issue
with Debbie and Bob.

They stopped finding time for each

other once LJ came
into their lives,

so Bob sought sexual fulfilment
outside the marriage.

- Dr Bob.
- Dr Bob.

He really disappointed me.

I'll tell you
something. I'd like to

really teach that
bastard a lesson.

I happen to have his new address.

Perhaps you and I should
sneak in there one night

and plant a tiny explosive
device in the stove.

Make it look like a gas leak.

Yeah. Yeah.

Or we could, you know, maybe

find some less criminal way
of teaching him a lesson.

You know, still get him.

I'm only joking, Greg.

Okay.

But it would be fun.

Yeah, oh, it would be great.

I'm hoping that you and Pam are
still finding time for each other.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, are you kidding?

Yeah, no, no, we're
great, we're...

Good.

I mean, you know, it's not easy.

You got to work at it, but...

Are you still physically
attracted to my daughter, Greg?

To Pam? Are you
kidding? Yes. Jack,

there's never been a
problem with that.

Even after her body's endured the
hellish ordeal of birthing twins?

Yes. Even after that.
It's still... It's

all good. It's all
good under the hood.

That's disgusting.

Welcome, parents.

I'm Prudence Simmons, director
of the Early Human School.

And at E.H.S., we know.

We know that no two
early humans are alike.

So why should their educational
experiences be identical? Right?

Makes sense.

It's not about the
99.8% of graduates

that go on to the best
secondary schools.

Wow, impressive.

Yeah.

That guy's really been
hitting the Bow flex, huh?

What?

It's not the overwhelming
number of Early Human alumni

that become civic leaders, CEOs
of Fortune 500 companies. No.

What's important to us is
that they become themselves.

Please welcome the
Early Human Tumblers.

Whoo.

Kids are really good.

I like what I'm seeing
from this place.

Yeah. And I'm sure it
doesn't come cheap.

You think you can swing it?

Yeah. Yeah, I got it covered.

And, you know,

if it's not covered right
now, it will be covered.

It's one of those things
that you cover it.

Do you have the
money or not, Greg?

New friends, hello.

Hi.

Hi, I'm Prudence. Greg?

Greg. How are you?

- Jack?
- Jack Byrnes.

So, Jack and Greg, tell me
what path you've chosen.

How do you make a living?

Oh, okay, well, I'm a nurse.

Oh.

He's being modest.

He's actually the
department manager

of the medical-surgical unit

at Chicago Memorial and
I am a retired florist.

What a combination, a
nurse and a florist?

How great.

May I ask how long you've
been in each other's lives?

Oh, I'd say... Well, it's about
eight years, hasn't it been?

Yeah, eight years.

- I'd say eight years.
- Really?

Yeah, yeah. Eight
great years. Yeah.

Eight great years.

Well, it started out
a little rocky.

We've had our moments.

Yes, but then we figured it out.

You seem like a wonderful couple.

No, no, no. We're not homosexuals.

Yeah, no.

No, no. No, no, no, no,
this is my son-in-law.

Yeah, yeah, no, no, no, no.

However, if you're looking to
fill a quota, we can be flexible.

Okay, that's an interesting joke,

but I appreciate levity in a
moment of misunderstanding,

so thank you, Greg.

I will say, Jack, I hope
I didn't offend you.

- Oh. No, no.
- Really?

No. I mean, I'm not gay
myself, but if I were gay,

I would certainly
be proud to choose

a life partner like Gay Focker.

And that's his actual name.

Oh.

It is. Well, it's my, Gaylord was

my name when I was
a kid and, yeah.

Well, I'll complete the
conversation with that.

Jack.

Prudence. Pleasure.

- Gay. Great.
- Greg.

Change that nametag.

You can call... It's
Greg. Greg is fine.

Why don't we just
stick with the truth?

An original American
Foursquare, Greg, very nice.

Yeah, yeah. It's got rock-solid
bones and, you know, it's...

Hey. There they are.

- Kev-O, that's quite a rental.
- Yeah.

Gustavo, my assistant,
hooked it up.

I guess it's a Tesla
Roadster or something.

Supposedly eco-friendly,
like that 2003 Prius, Greg.

Yeah, you got it.

Wow. It looks great.

Traditional American Foursquare.

Also known as a Prairie Box.

- Yeah.
- It's got really good bones.

Good eye, Kev.

Look out for your legs.

That's good.

Randy? Randy, what is this?

Gregory Focker.

Great to see you.
How you doing, Dad?

Hey.

Randy, what is this? We're having
the party here in two days.

Refresh my memory, Gregory.

Are you kidding me? Randy, the
twins birthday party, remember?

Yes, of course.

The issue we're dealing with is

that we had to excavate 60 feet
of root-infested pipe back here.

So, of course, we ran into
some unexpected costs

along with an obvious delay.

Randy, is this yard gonna be
done or is it not gonna be done?

Jack, I got this. All right?

All Mr Byrnes is suggesting
is that maybe inadvertently

you're taking advantage of
a gentle, trusting soul

who clearly is an amateur when
it comes to home construction.

- No, Kevin.
- Thank you, Swami Salami.

That's not true at all.

It is true, Greg. They're
ripping you off.

No, Jack... Your
plumbing excavators

have been on coffee break
for the past eight minutes,

this senior citizen over here
is unfit for active duty

and your backhoe driver's halfway
through a Sudoku puzzle.

- All right.
- Gregory,

who is this joker
questioning my honour?

Nobody's questioning
your honour, Randy.

I'm 34 years in the trade.

Thirty-four years, huh?

I got to pump, dump and hump to
get that backyard whole again.

Well, I got news for you. You can
pump, dump and hump all you want.

You're sandbagging this
damn job and you know it.

All right. You know
what? Jack, Jack, Jack.

Calm down. You're leaving
a big hole, you...

Hey, General. The
Japanese surrendered.

The Japanese
surrendered. That's it.

What are you talking about?

World War II.

I'll tell you what, Gregor.
I have a timeshare in town.

Why don't we have the party there?

Beautiful meadow.
It'll be perfect.

No, no, Kevin, I promised the kids

they're going to have
the party in the yard.

So, guess what? We're going to
have the party in the yard. Okay?

Soon as our dump truck
driver's back from lunch,

we'll get that out,
bring the backhoe in,

lay down your base layer of sand.

Wait a minute. You're telling us
that you can't move that rig?

That's a union job, pops.

Screw it. I'm going to
move that truck myself.

- No, come on.
- No, you know what, Jack?

I'll do it, okay? You just help me

back it out into the
street. I got it.

Here we go.

All right, start backing
her up. You're all clear.

Coming at you, Jack.

You're doing great,
you're doing great.

Hey, look, I'm not in the union,
Randy. I'm backing up the truck.

Come on. Back, back, back. Doing
great. Doing great. Doing great.

Whoa. Whoa.

Brake it.

Oh.

You got it.

- We're good.
- Emergency brake.

Got it.

Jack. Holy shit.

Hang on, I'm with you.

Jack, I'm right here. Jack,
we're going to get you.

It's going to be all right, Jack.

Jack, we're coming. Hang on, Jack.

I got him.

I got you.

It's Kevin. I'm right here.

- Thank you, Kevin.
- Save your strength.

Upsy-daisy. Greg's
right here. He's okay.

Yeah, I see him.

Hey, Jack.

Oh, here, it's starting.

Ladies and gentlemen,
it's The Roz Focker Show.

And that means it's time
to sexpress yourself.

Hello, my audience.

Hello, my friends. Welcome.

Today, what do you think
we're going to talk about?

Sex. Sex. Sex.

Well, what else is she
going to talk about?

Sex after children.

How do you find time to make love

with young children in the house?

What do you do if
it's not working?

Do you have an affair?

No.

No, you say? But Roz
Focker says yes.

Yes, you do have an affair.

You have an affair with your wife.

Oh, Roz.

Think about it, right?

You dress up a little
nicer. You meet at a hotel.

You role play.

There is absolutely
no shame in playing

out a fantasy, but
with each other.

All right?

Now, he's going to kill me,

but my own son, who is the
father of two adorable twins,

he has issues in this department.

He's busy at work.
She's busy at home.

Their intimacy numbers are
down. They're not connecting.

And what do you do?

- It's called Sustengo.
- Sustengo?

I got to say, that sounds
pretty cheesy, Greg.

Yeah, well, I'm looking at
these Randy Weir bills, okay.

And we could definitely
use the money.

And do me a favour. Don't tell
your dad about this, okay?

My dad? Why?

Just because he's been all into

me having my financial house
in order or whatever,

and I just don't
want to worry him.

All right, fine.

I won't say anything because
he's already pretty upset

about you trying
to bury him alive.

Honey, it was an accident.

Superstar.

Hey. Hey, can you
hang on a second?

Okay.

I am so stoked you
changed your mind.

You are going to rock
those urologists tonight.

Awesome. That's always
been a goal of mine.

So, I'll see you at
8:00 at the Hilton?

Yes.

- And wear a suit.
- Wear a suit, got it.

- Knuckles?
- Knuckles.

Okay, bye.

- Hey.
- Hello.

Knuckles? Who was that?

That certainly didn't
sound like Kristen.

No, no. That was the drug rep.

- Andi?
- Yeah, Andi.

What does she look like?

She's like a... No,
she's, like, an ex-nurse.

You wouldn't pick her
out of a line-up.

Yeah, I know that you're
doing this for us,

but the idea of you and
some woman named Andi

selling boner medicine at a hotel,
it really kind of icks me out.

Honey, there's nothing
to be icked out about.

Okay, fine.

- I love you.
- I love you, too, honey. Bye.

Okay, bye.

So, how come you're
not talking to Daddy?

Because he said you were cuckoo.

He said I was cuckoo?

Well, we'll have to discuss that.

Yeah.

But what about Mummy and Daddy?

Is everything okay with them?

I guess they fight sometimes.

And what do they fight about?

Like Mummy got mad
at Daddy because

he was going to the
hotel with Andi.

Andi?

Who's Andi?

I can't say because I'm not
supposed to be spying.

Like I always tell you, there's
nothing wrong with spying

as long as you suspect foul play.

So, who's Andi?

Andi gives Daddy his boners.

His what?

Andi gives Daddy his boners.

Huh.

Hey, guys.

- Hey, Greg.
- How was your day?

Yeah. Great.

Hey.

How about you, Sam?

What? Come on, say
something to me.

No. I won't.

Ah. You just did.

- Hey, Greg?
- Yeah.

I'm not so sure

using chicanery and
subterfuge on your daughter

is the best way to get her
to communicate with you.

No, no, no. That's not
chicanery and subterfuge.

For whatever it's worth.

Worth a lot. Thank you.

And I will see you later, okay?

I got roped into this hospital

administration dinner
thing tonight, so...

- Work function?
- Yeah.

It's the price of being in
charge of the unit, so...

I see. That last minute, huh?

Yeah.

Department head called so I got
to do a little face time and...

- Have fun.
- Okay.

Jack?

Jack.

Is that you?

- Greg.
- What are you doing out here?

Just picking up some
milk for the morning.

- You looking for a market?
- Yeah.

Okay, because there's one
right across from the house.

Oh, is there? I didn't know that.

Just take a left on
Lincoln. Right there.

- Thanks, Greg.
- Okay.

- See you later.
- Okay.

Excuse me.

Hey.

Greg.

Hey, man. You following me?

Following you? Why would
I be following you?

No, I'm just looking for milk.

Okay. Because, remember, I
mentioned out on the street there,

there's a store right
in the neighbourhood.

True, but Dina likes
the organic stuff

and I heard there was a
natural food market downtown.

Amazing, you going all this way
just for a carton of milk.

You know what? You
should get off here.

There's a really great
natural foods market

about two blocks south
of the station.

Oh.

Have a good night, Jack.

You, too, Greg.

Hey.

Oh. Hey.

Superstar.

Everything cool? You
seem a little edgy.

No, I'm good. It's just my
in-laws are in town, so...

Anyway, I went over the drug info

and I think I got the
science down pretty well.

Oh, no, Greg. These doctors
don't care about that stuff.

If you want to sell a drug like

Sustengo, you have
to make it personal.

Do you know any
sexually frustrated

old dudes with a heart condition?

I didn't hear you come in.

What kept you so long?

I just got a little bit
lost. Everyone asleep?

Yeah.

We've got the house to ourselves.

I'm so happy that you got
away from your wife.

Excuse me?

She's been very suspicious lately.

Quick, quick, quick.
We only have an hour.

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

Jack, come on. You've
got to play along.

Roz Focker said we have to have
an affair with each other.

I'm role playing.

Right, right, right. I understand.

I just have a bit of a
headache, sweetheart, tonight.

I know. You've had that worried
look on your face all day.

I promise you, the Focker
family is going to be fine.

Now, come on.

Before my husband comes home.

Then, we'd better
hurry, my illicit

lover. Let me just brush my teeth.

Ooh.

Your father-in-law did not really
put you in a lie detector machine.

No, that's true.

That's incredible.

Jesus Christ, I thought
my wife's father was bad.

That was a great speech, nurse.

Thank you.

And hey, I'm staring at you.

It was I'm watching
you, but that's

what he did, yes. Thank you.

You killed it tonight.

Those stories about your
family were hilarious.

Thank you. So, I should
be getting going.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.
You're my fianc�.

Hey, gorgeous.

Hello, Dr Ballard.
So nice to see you.

Hey, can I get you 200 cc's
of anything you want, stat?

Only if you can buy a drink
for my fianc� as well.

Didn't know you were engaged.

Can you take a picture
for us for my scrapbook?

You know what? You don't...
He doesn't have to do that.

Yeah, it's for our scrapbook.

No, you know what, bro? I'm
cool like that. I'll do that.

You are such a doll.

Here we go.

One, two, three. Whoa.

Best picture ever.

You look great and you have,
like, a red-eye problem.

I'll see you later, babe.

I cannot believe I ever
slept with that guy.

Yeah, right.

No, seriously, I did.

At a convention in
Milwaukee last summer.

We were, like, drinking
tequila, doing rum chasers.

Always a bad idea, right?

Yeah.

Can you get me a margarita
on the rocks, no salt?

You know what...

I'm going to run to the restroom.

Gosh. You know what...

All right, cool. You're the best.

- All right? All right.
- All right, okay.

Hi. Can I get a club soda and a

margarita on the
rocks with no salt?

Thanks.

Night out on the town, Focker?

- Dr Bob.
- Hey, man.

What are you doing here?

I'm here for the convention.
What about you?

Doing some work for Pfosten
as a medical expert.

But you're a nurse.

You know what? I don't really
have anything to say to you.

Okay, I get it,
Greg. I screwed up.

But the pressure of being in
that family finally got to me.

What are you talking about?
You were his golden boy.

More like his golden bitch.

He wanted Deb and me to get
married in Oyster Bay. Done.

Can we name our baby after
him? You got it, Jack.

And he gives me this
whole spiel, right,

about how I'm next in
line to his throne.

He came up with this name
for me, the Bobfather.

Really? He said that to you?

He pulled the same shit
on you, didn't he?

In that family, we're all just

hamsters on Jack
Byrnes' little wheel.

His Circus of Trust, or
whatever he calls it.

Circle of Trust.

I had no idea how deep I was
in until I stepped away.

And I'll tell you something,

once I got off the treadmill,
I've never been happier.

Yeah, well, I think I
got it under control.

Hello, Greg.

Hey.

Hey, Jack.

You mind explaining this?

What is that? Oh.

Sustengo. Yeah,
that's... You know.

These drug companies, they give
me all these free samples.

Is that it?

Or do you need to use this

because you're no longer
sexually attracted to Pam?

You know what, Jack?
That's ridiculous.

Really. You know what?

I'm not even going to go
there with you. This is...

Have a good night, all right?
I'm going to go sleep.

Don't walk away from me, Focker.

Jack, is everything
okay down there?

Everything's fine.

Okay. All right. Because you
seem to have a little, I mean...

I know what I have, Greg, and I'm

not concerned about
that right now.

Right now, what I want
from you is the truth.

Jack, did you take
one of those pills?

Well, I was highly preoccupied

and Dina wanted to make love,

and the label clearly states that
it's safe for heart patients.

Yes, but you need a prescription

after you've had a
thorough examination.

How long have you had
that... The situation for?

Stop avoiding the question.

I'm not avoiding the question.

If you've had that for
more than four hours,

you could bust a capillary and
have serious permanent damage.

How long have you had it?

Been a little longer
than four hours.

How long?

Maybe about five and a half.

Jack, you got to get
to an ER right now

and get a shot of adrenaline
to counteract that drug.

You're a nurse. Don't you have
that kind of stuff in the house?

Yeah, I have an EPI kit,

but I'm not going to give
you a shot there, okay?

Focker, there is no way I'm going
to an ER room with this thing.

Now you need to stick me and
you need to stick me now.

I'm having a dick
attack. Stick me.

Just relax. Okay.

I'll get the needle.

All right. I need you
to drop your pants.

What kind of sick drug are you
dealing to your patients?

Jack, I told you, I
took home some samples.

- All right?
- Maybe read the label

before you just pick
up a drug and eat it.

Let's just do it.

I'm going to administer the
shot on the count of three.

Just... All right?

Okay. Just...

It's...

Your hands are cold.

I'm sorry. It's a bit...

Okay.

One,

two,

three.

Focker.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Wait, what's going
on? What happened?

Everything's fine. Henry
had a little nightmare,

but Greg's got him
settled down, okay.

No, no, Jack, I thought I
heard you screaming, too.

No, you didn't. It was all Henry.

- Well, let me go check on him...
- Oh, no, no, no.

- And make sure he's okay.
- You guys go to sleep.

Everything's under control.

Could you and Dad
keep it down, please?

Here's, sirius Black.
Here's Orange Ninja, okay?

- You all right?
- Yeah.

- Greg?
- Yeah.

- How's he doing?
- He's all right.

You know, he's a little
shaken up, but...

Greg, I was involved in
some covert CIA-sponsored

mind-altering techniques
back in the '70s.

I'd like a few minutes
alone with him

just to erase what he
saw from his memory.

You're not going to
erase my son's memory.

Greg, he saw his father inject a

needle into his
grandfather's penis.

He already has issues.
That's something

he might never recover from.

- I'll handle it, okay?
- All right?

Okay, thank you.

Hey, buddy.

So, you know how sometimes
you need help when you...

When you make a wee-wee? Yeah.

Well, when you get to
be Grandpa Jack's age,

sometimes you need help
making a wee-wee, too.

So that's what you saw me doing.

I was helping Grandpa
Jack because he's old.

Well, why did he scream so loud?

He wasn't screaming. He was
celebrating, he was just so happy.

He was, like, Oh, Focker. Thanks
for helping me make a wee-wee.

- He just... He was so happy.
- Right, right?

Right, Greg.

- Yeah.
- Understand?

- I think so.
- Good.

Don't think this incident
is distracting me, Focker.

I know you're up to something
and I'm watching you.

Well, guess what?
I have eyes, too.

So, I'll be watching
you, watching me.

- Okay.
- All right?

- Fair enough.
- Good.

So we just watch each
other, all right?

Okay, okay.

I'm watching you right now.

Domsey's Bakery. How
can I help you?

Hello, yes, do you still have
the pineapple upside-down cake?

Yes, we do. Would you like
chocolate or vanilla frosting?

Neither. I'm only
interested in merengue.

Please give me your access
code and releasing ID.

This is Santa.
Releasing ID 7726548.

I need all-source,
derogatory only,

on a person named Andi Garcia.

Alpha, November, Delta, Indigo...

Santa, your clearances haven't
been active for 12 years.

Now, you listen to me, Young Turk.

I was bugging Ho Chi
Minh's sock drawer

while you were still in diapers,

so don't tell me about clearances.

Sir, my hands are tied.

But, I mean, you could probably
just Google the subject

and find out everything
you need to know.

Oh.

Then I'll do that. Santa out.

Oh, honey, I can't wait to see

Kevin's timeshare
later today, huh?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

What you doing?

Oh, just checking the weather.

There's a cold front coming in.

Oh, no.

Oh, yeah.

Thanks.

Greg.

Hey, how you doing?
Sorry, I'm late.

Hi, honey.

A little emergency
at the hospital.

Kevin was showing us his
magnificent estate.

It's really nice.

So this is where you rough it

when you're not at the
homeless shelter?

Kind of split time between
the two. Maybe 60%-40% here.

- Really?
- Now that Greg's finally arrived,

why don't I take you
over to see the meadow?

Yeah, this is perfect.

- Oh, this is impressive.
- Wow, nice backyard.

- Yeah, love it.
- Wow, it is.

Thank you.

Let's reserve that quadrant
over there, Kevin?

It's perfect for the
three-legged race,

egg toss, capture-the-flag game.

Why don't we put up a ring of
bouncy castles right out there

and we have, like, a
relay race for the kids

kind of intertwined
in between them.

Loving it, Kev-O.

Kevin, is that a
tattoo on your back?

Oh, yes, it is, Dina.

It looks really elaborate.
Could we take a look at it?

- Oh, sure.
- Mum.

Well, it's a curiosity.

My gosh.

Wow.

Is that Pam?

Yeah, it is.

You know, after the
whole Svetlana episode,

I went on a little bit
of a drunken bender

and wound up in a
tattoo shop in Moscow.

And I asked the artist to ink me

with the image of the one woman

who's always loved
me unconditionally.

- Pam.
- My grandmother.

The point being, in
my drunken stupor,

I must have handed him a
photo of Pam instead.

You carry a picture of
Pam in your wallet.

I do. I carry pictures of
many treasured friends

and loved ones on my travels.

Got a picture of me?

Of course I got a picture of you.

You recognise this
mensch right here?

- Ah. There I am. Kind of.
- There you are, yeah.

That's... Interesting.

This is actually a very flattering
portrait of you, Pam-cake.

- Excuse me.
- Dad.

Prudence? Yes. Hello.

Yeah, hold on, honey. I don't...

Terrific. Okay, yes, thanks, Pru.

That was Prudence and she says
if you get to E.H.S. by 3:00,

she can squeeze you
in for an interview.

- All right, that's great.
- Way to go, Kev-O.

- Thank you, Kevin.
- Good job.

So great you two could join us.

Really wonderful when grandparents
play an integral role

in early humans'
lives. We love them.

Early humans do need guidance.

Is that your role,
Jack? To guide them?

Yes, I see myself as
something of a shepherd,

guiding our family
through life's pastures.

Yes, I would say Jack is sort
of an honorary shepherd.

Kind of a shepherd
emeritus, if you will.

Well, when my sheep wander, I use
my prod to keep my flock in line.

Oh, there are a lot of family
dynamics at play here.

Why don't we begin the
interview process?

Okay, Henry, I just want
you to clear your mind

and draw a picture for me of the
first thing that comes to mind

when you hear the word family.

Oh.

This is just like being
at the eye doctor.

Start at the top and
work your way down.

Why would she give
her an eye test?

It's called a
Heisenreich Experiment.

We used it at the agency to test

the aptitude of
potential recruits.

All the letters are the same,
so it's not really an eye test.

Very impressive
cognition, Samantha.

E... E...

E? I need to start over.

Okay, Henry, let's see what
you've chosen to draw.

What is it? What did he draw?

Dad stuck Grandpa
Jack in the wee-wee

last night. Because he's old.

I'm sorry? What did he say?

I didn't hear him.

Something about Grandpa
Jack having a cold.

So tell me about your
parents, Samantha.

Tell me about your
parents, Prudence.

That's my girl.

Want to tell me about your family?

My dad is a great guy.

Thank you, buddy.

But Grandpa Jack makes him
really, really scared.

So he acts all crazy
when he's with him.

Like he tried to cut the turkey
with Grandpa's big knife

and he slipped and he cut his
finger. And he was like, Oh, shit.

Oh, he's blowing the interview.

She's setting him up to
fail with these questions.

I mean, Sam's a better
tester, anyway, so...

Well, that's because
she takes after...

Takes after who, Jack?

Let's just say I've done
some research on twins.

There's a theory that
in certain cases,

one twin gets an extra
chromosome from the father,

while the other sibling
gets an extra chromosome

from the mother's side.

Sam might be three
quarters Byrnes,

whereas Henry could very well have

a double dose of Focker in him.

And what if he does?

My Grandpa Bernie taught
me this. Pull my finger.

Oh.

Double dose.

Let's go out to the courtyard
for some free play.

I mean, what is free-play test?

How well they hang
on the monkey bars?

I don't think you get it, Greg.

You know when prison
guards learn the most

about their inmate population?

During rec time in the yard.

I'm sure Prudence is in
her office right now

watching every move
these kids make.

- Dad?
- Yeah.

Can I please go climb
that big rock wall?

Yeah, okay.

Just be careful, buddy, all right?

All right.

Do you think he can handle that?

What's the big deal?

I'm just not sure you've instilled
the physical confidence

for him to shear a face like that.

Jack, do me a favour. Just let
go of the reins a little, okay?

I'll let go, Greg, when you
show me, once and for all,

that you have what
it takes to lead.

I am in control of my
family, all right?

If I give Henry
permission to climb

a wall, he can climb a wall.

If he says he wants to climb
the Empire State Building

and I say it's okay,

it's okay, because I'm in charge.

All right? I'm calling
the plays now.

So you just got to step back and

accept the fact that
I have got this.

Whoa.

Oh, he is such a
brave boy, isn't he?

See, it's not so bad. It's
just a slight fracture.

Okay, thanks.

Hey, Henry, are you
doing all right?

Hey, I came as soon as I heard.

Prudence told me
there was a little

bit of a kerfuffle over at E.H.S.

Oh, that's an understatement.
Thanks to Greg,

we can wave goodbye to
their educational future.

Jack.

Oh, no, no. Pru's
a forgiving soul.

I think I can patch things
up. In the meantime,

I got a little something
for Hank the Tank here.

Someone to keep you company until
you're reunited with Arthur.

- What is that?
- Thanks, Papa Kev.

Papa Kev?

Yeah, old fraternity nickname.

I told Hank the Tank here he
could call me by that handle.

You're not Hank the Tank.
Nobody calls him Hank the Tank.

You want to be Papa Greg?

- No, I am Papa... I'm Greg.
- I'm Greg, his papa.

So I don't need to be Papa Greg.

I don't need to put a little
thing in front of it.

Paging Nurse Focker.

Pam, we need to talk for a minute.

Oh, okay. Mum?

Hey, Louis, what's up?

What up, Dawg? Hey,
hottie at 2:00.

There's the superstar.

Hey, hi, hi.

- Hey.
- Oh. Hello.

I have the raddest news ever.

Really? Okay.

So our VP of marketing
heard how well you did

on your speech last
night and guess what?

What?

He wants us to lead the Pfosten
convention in Maui next month.

Yeah, that sounds great.
Honestly, I'm sorry.

I'm just a little
distracted right now

because my son just
broke his arm and...

- Oh, poor baby.
- Yeah, so...

You're a super dad.

- No, I'm not a super dad.
- It is so cute

how involved you are
with your kids.

No, no, no, that's just what dads
do. It's not like a super...

Louis. What are you
doing? Is this the book?

What is... No, go. Come on.

In the back, right? I got them.

Sorry, it's just...

Somebody's grumpy.

I'm going to make
this brief, Pam-cake.

I'm not getting any younger.

Dad. No, I want to make sure

there's someone around besides
me who you can fully count on.

I couldn't help but
notice how you and Kevin

have reconnected
these past few days.

He's financially secure.
He's great with the twins.

Got a heart of gold.

He's a little goofy,
maybe, in his dressing,

but if that body art
is any indication,

I'd say he's certainly
open to the idea.

What idea?

The idea of a simple
course correction.

A course correction.

Greg, Kevin.

Come on, grumpy daddy.
Come to Hawaii.

Okay.

Okay, grumpy daddy
will think about it.

- Yes.
- Okay, okay.

Oh. Hey, honey, hi.

Perfect. Pam, this is Andi.
Andi, this is Pam, my wife.

Hey.

Hi, it's a... It's a
pleasure to meet you.

It's a pleasure to meet you, too.

Your husband is a
freaking rock star,

but I'm sure you know
how lucky you are.

- Yeah.
- I'm not. She's the rock star.

She's a rock star mum and
just full-on, rocking person.

Oh.

And I'm just a groupie

trying to, you know,
carry her amps.

No, you're... You're...
You're the man.

Everything all right here?

Yeah, Jack,
everything's all right.

- Pam, do you want to...
- Oh, my God.

You must be the
famous Jack Byrnes.

Wow. I have heard
so much about you.

I've heard very little
about you, Miss Garcia.

But I do admire your
cheerleading photographs.

Henry's doing much better.

We were just singing an
ancient Yanomamo song

about a brave warrior
who falls from a tree

while hunting for chimpanzee meat.

He's good. Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Andi Garcia. Pfosten
Pharmaceuticals.

And you're Doctor...

No. He's not a doctor.

Not in the Western
sense of the word.

Not in any sense of the word.
You're an investment banker.

Many hats. Kevin.

Hi.

Okay, cool.

Well, I'm going to
mosey on out of here.

All right.

Wow, you told me she sold
boner medicine, Greg.

You didn't tell me she
is boner medicine.

Pam, that's ridiculous.

You also said you wouldn't pick
her out of a line-up, too.

Wouldn't pick her
out of a line-up?

Greg, that woman is stunning.

Oh, he's covering, Kevin,

Because he didn't want
Pam to get suspicious.

Dad. Did you see the
way his carotid artery

throbbed when he looked at her?

- Dad.
- Give me a break, Jack. Come on.

Now this is what I'm
talking about, Pam.

I'm sorry, but this man
cannot be trusted.

Could you for once in your
life stay out of my marriage?

Greg, come on, don't
get hysterical.

I'm not getting hysterical.
He's getting hysterical.

Look, it's natural to
get a little tempted.

Nobody's tempted, nobody's...

Look, even our dear
friend, the Buddha,

had to pass through some sorrow

on his way to enlightenment.

Our dear friend, the Buddha?

How's he doing? It's been so long.

Do you ever listen to yourself?

I try not to.

I speak from the heart, off
the cuff, like my man, JC,

at the Sermon on the Mount.

I think that's what you've
always admired about me.

Well, I got news for
you. You're not Jesus.

Well, he may not be Jesus,

but he's a far better choice
for Pam than you are, Greg.

- Dad.
- I'm sorry.

Would you stop with the
course-correction stuff?

No, that's right...

What's the
course-correction stuff?

It's nothing.

I want to hear all about it, Jack.

You're leading this family
onto rocky shoals, Focker,

and as captain of the ship,

I'm steering us away to safety.

Well, you know what? You're
not a ship's captain, Jack.

We're people. We're not on a
boat, we're in a hospital. Okay?

We're human beings in a hospital
and you're not the captain.

Well, I may not be the
captain, Gregory Focker,

but you're not the Godfocker.

Good. Because I don't want
to be the stupid Godfocker.

I'm the Greg Focker, Jack.
All right? I am Greg Focker.

And by the way, Dr Bob told me
you offered him the job first.

Nice to know I was
your sloppy seconds.

You spoke to Dr Bob?

Yeah, I did, Jack.

Had beers with him last night.

He's in town for a convention.

That's it. You're done.

You're done, it's over, that's it.

You know what?

You can't tell me I'm done
because I already quit.

You're done. I'm
getting off the wheel.

- What wheel?
- The wheel.

The little hamster wheel
that we're all running up

to get a little taste of
your little water thingy.

Just, please, approval. Approval.

What the hell are you doing?

Please. Give me some
of the Jack... Yeah.

It's like a metaphor
for your approval...

Thank you for clearing that up.

What are you even
doing here, Kevin?

I'm trying to help.
Why don't you get on

your stupid monster yacht

with your bubble-butt
Russian girlfriend

and do Jell-O shots off
Deepak Chopra's butt?

Greg, don't drag Deepak
into this. Please, Greg.

Hey, Dina. Jack had a heart attack
two weeks ago. Goodbye, folks.

Going down.

Hey.

- Hey.
- You okay?

Yeah.

Need a ride?

Hey, it's Pam. Leave me a message.

Hey, I'm going to sleep over

at the new house
tonight, all right?

I just can't deal with
your dad right now.

Are you sure you're
going to be okay?

Yeah, I think I just need to clear
my head. Thanks for the ride.

No problem.

Why am I the bad
guy here? Greg was

the one who was being dishonest.

Oh, please. All Greg did was
downplay that woman's looks,

so Pam wouldn't be
jealous, and you know it.

You know you did the same thing

with that gorgeous
double agent in Helsinki

during the Cold War.

Oh, you're still bringing
up Aatukka Kokkonen.

I told you her beauty was
privileged information.

It was a matter of
national security.

Oh, yes. Like your
heart condition?

Listen, Jack.

Greg cares about his family

just as much as you care
about yours. All right?

Pam?

Don't be mad. I totally
don't want to harass you.

You just seemed so sad, I had
to bring you some treats.

Oh. Wow, thanks.

Some Chinese food. Little wine.

No offence,

but does Pam even realise
how dope you are?

Oh, yeah, no. I think
she thinks I'm dope.

It's just, you know,

it just changes
when you have kids,

you know, because everything
becomes focused around them.

Totally. And I'm sure you're like,

Hello. Can I have some fun, too?

Yeah, no. I mean, it's fun, but
it's just a different kind of fun.

More wine.

It's not like old single
fun, where you go out.

It's more like wake
up in the morning

at 6:00, make the kids breakfast.

You know, that kind of fun.

I love it. I mean,
they're so cute.

Like, the other day, Henry came in

and he had his little
top hat on and said,

I'm the mayor of the kitchen.

Oh, he's going to be the mayor?

Just out of nowhere he got this
idea he wanted to be the mayor.

And then he came in and he said,

And here is a proclamation. You
cannot use the 'frigerator.

And he had a sash on. I think
I have a picture of it.

Yeah. I mean, I'm biased,
but he's very creative.

I'm going to step out for a bit

and get some milk for the morning.

Don't, Jack. We both
know that's not true.

I don't know why I still think
I can get anything by you.

I'm going to find Greg. I'm
going to bring him home.

You know where he is?

I have an idea.

And for the record, nothing ever
happened with Aatukka Kokkonen.

Aw.

And this is the play that she
wrote called Tropical Seas.

They're so cute.

Yeah. They really are.

That's you.

Yes. I am an
algae-seaweed-type plant.

You know, I got to go home.

Yeah, I totally get that.

Andi, Andi, no, no, no.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Andi, I think I gave you
the wrong idea. No...

Greg, ever since we
tag-teamed on that enema,

I've wanted you.

It was just an enema. Really, I
think you're idealising the enema.

Andi, you know what,
I think you might

have had a little too much wine.

Wine is fine, papi. I
took a few Sustengo.

You took a Sustengo?
Why would you do that?

That's crazy. I'm
going to call a cab.

Can I see more
pictures of your kids?

Definitely not. You can't... You
got to put your thing back on.

Don't be a grumpy daddy.

I'm not being a
grumpy... You got to...

No, Andi. Andi, give me the phone.

- You want it?
- I do want it.

- Come and get it.
- I want... I...

Andi, it's not funny.

Let's go swimming.

Andi, no, it's not a pool.

Is it heated? Is there a grotto?

No, no, it's a pit.
Andi, don't do this.

Come on. Put your clothes
back on. All right?

Andi, no. That's not nice.

You don't throw people's
phones in pits, okay?

You're mean.

Andi, put the clothes
back on. Come on.

I hate you.

Belly flop.

You really don't
know where Greg is?

Honey, I struck out.

I guess my skills just
aren't what they used to be.

Look who it is. There they are.

Hey, Kevin.

Kevin. Quite a shindig.

Well, you only turn five once.

Or twice, in this case.

Now, I've got a
surprise for you, Jack.

Gustavo?

Is that who I think it is?

You'd better believe it.

Jinxy.

When I heard about your
health issues last night,

I knew I had to fly him out here.

Kevin, incredibly thoughtful
of you. Thank you.

How come Daddy's not here?

Is it because I was mean to him?

No, honey, absolutely
not, sweetheart.

It's because Grandpa
was mean to him.

- But he's coming. He's coming.
- He will be here, okay?

So, let's go have some more fun.

All right? Let's go. Let's
go see what else there is.

Just wait one sec.

Gay.

Gay.

Gay?

- Dad.
- What's that hole?

Why are you so muddy?
Where is everyone?

They're at Kevin's.

The party's over at Kevin's.
I got to get over there.

- The kids' party's at Kevin's?
- I thought you were in Spain.

I was, but I can't miss my
little Gazugas turning five.

How are you?

Hey. Oh, man. I'm so sorry.

I was so messed up last night.

Who's that?

That is... Dad,
that's Andi Garcia.

- Oh.
- She's a work colleague of mine.

Oh, hi, Dad.

Yeah. She took a few too
many prescription pills

and then she pushed me in the pit.

Total party foul.
My bad on that one.

Garcia? Is that Spanish?

Okay, we got to go.

Yeah. My grandparents
are from Seville.

Are you kidding? I was just in
Seville, mastering the flamenco.

- No way.
- Dad.

What?

But I got to show her a few moves.

Her grandparents are from Seville.

- Dad, no, no. Dad, I got to go.
- Okay.

Ole.

Your dad's really good.

The faster you go indicates an
increase in sexual prowess.

Andi, good luck.

It's a good thing you pulled me

away. I was starting
to get a semi.

- Oh, Dad, please.
- It's involuntary.

It's the parasympathetic nervous
system. Flamenco's very sexual.

Well, just so you know,
nothing happened with her.

I know that. We're Fockers.
That's not the way we roll.

But I know something went down
with the family. You okay?

Yeah, just the usual
Jack stuff. You okay?

Your mum was right. Man-opause.
Makes me act like a lunatic.

You know, I get a little nutty.

Grandma Roz. Grandma Roz.

My God.

There she is. My little
scrunchie-munchie.

Let me look at you, baby.

Oh, you look so cute. Do you
mind if we sit down, honey?

Have a little chat. Because
Grandma's feet hurt.

So, I hear you're not
speaking to your father.

Is that true?

Well, let me tell you something
about men, Samantha.

They... They... They're told to
be tough and hard, you know?

But inside, they're
quite soft and gooey.

Kind of like a cannoli.

A knish? It's not exactly that.

It's more like peanut butter
and jelly inside burnt toast.

And once you know that, you
can cut them a little slack.

Besides, you'll
have plenty of time

to aggravate him in your teens.

Grandma.

Hi, honey. Look at
you, how big you got.

Hi, sweetheart.

Come here and give me a Focker
sandwich. Okay, I'm the cheese.

- We're cheese.
- I'm the cheese.

No, I'm the cheese and
you're the bread.

We're sourdough.

Attention. Attention.

Henry and Samantha.
Today you are five.

- This way.
- Okay, thank you.

Dad.

- Yeah.
- You coming?

Yeah. I just want to
practise the dance

I'm going to surprise
your mother with.

Go ahead.

Okay. I'll see you down there.

Gay?

My two cents. The way
to deal with Jack,

no matter what he does, just
smother that guy with kisses.

He'll be putty in your hands.

Good.

- Love, love, love.
- Good, putty, thank you.

- Oh, Gay.
- Yes.

You look good.

Thank you.

All right.

- Can you do me a favour?
- Okay.

Can you just put this leg down
slowly? It's an old sex injury.

- Like this?
- Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

This performance
is my gift to you.

You are the chosen ones.

Pam.

- Pam.
- Greg.

I pronounce this your day.

Oh, what happened to you?

Oh, it's... I...

I'll tell you about
it later, okay?

Look, I'm really sorry
about what happened.

- I just...
- I'm sorry, too.

I let everything get out of
control and I shouldn't have.

It's just... It's just your dad.

- You know, I...
- I know. He's insane.

Yes. Yes.

Listen to me. We've got our
own thing and it works.

It does, right?

Yeah, we actually kind of
know what we're doing.

- I love you.
- I love you.

- Hey, Sam.
- Happy birthday.

Look, I know you don't
want to talk to me.

I just want you to
know that's okay.

I love you anyway.

I know, Daddy.

Dad.

There he is.

Hey, happy birthday, man.

Hey, look, I think you
left something at home.

Arthur.

- Yeah.
- Thanks, Dad.

It's so beautiful.

Oh, my God.

Oh, gosh.

I'm all right.

Gustavo. Birthday cake. Birthday
cake. Try the birthday cake.

There's 36 different kinds.

Kevin?

Rosalind.

What a mitzvah that you
could make it to the party.

What's wrong, honey?

I wish I knew.

Come. Sit down.

Look over this way a little
bit. And a little up. Up.

Hey, Jack.

Wow, that's great.
That's a great likeness.

That's really...

It really captured the intensity
and looks just like you.

All right. So, look, last night,

I think we both said
some things we regret.

Maybe I shouldn't have said
anything about Dr Bob.

But then you did that whole
course-correction thing. So...

Anyway, peace of cake offering.

What the hell?

Oh, shit.

Jack, you all right?
Jack, I'm sorry.

Jack, you okay?

Okay, Focker. At least you're
going to make this a little fun.

Jack. Let's not do this. Come on.

We've had this date since
the beginning, Greg.

All right. Let's dance.

Come on, man.

Jack?

Where are you? Jack.

Jack?

Get out of the ball pit. Get
out of the ball pit. Get out.

Let's go.

Get out. Get out of the ball pit.

Get out.

Jack?

I saw you last night
with Andi Garcia.

Nothing happened.

I've been in the wild for so long,

that maybe it's time to come home.

But then where is home?

Honey, home is inside of you.

What you have been seeking
out there is right in here.

- In your heart?
- No, in your heart.

In my heart.

Yes, yes, Kevin.

Suck it.

Arthur? Arthur? Mum.
Arthur's missing.

Jack. Nothing happened.

What'd you say? Jack,
nothing happened.

I'm telling you the truth.

Oh, shit.

Jinxy. Jinxy. Bad cat. Bad cat.

Jinx. Bad cat.

Jinx.

Jinx. Jinx.

Oh, shit.

Kevin, you are a lovely young man

with a number of unusual
fixations and hobbies.

Thank you.

I know you're going
to find your way.

Trust me, honey. Because you
have the strength of a lion

and the soul of a poet.

Roz?

Bernie? What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

The guy has issues, honey.

Bernard, I swear this
isn't what it looks like.

Your wife was comforting
me in a moment of distress

and my soul just
reached out to her.

Your soul or your tongue?

No. There was no tongue involved.

There was a little.

Thank you for your honesty.

I thought you were in Spain,
honey. What happened?

What happened?

I went half way around the
world to master the flamenco,

but there was one thing missing,

my dance partner.

Oh, Bernie.

You're my true north.

I know as long as we're
together, I'll never get lost.

Oh, what a beautiful line.

Come here, baby.

That's beautiful. So
raw, this electricity...

Will you get out of here
so I can shut up my wife?

Shut up her? Yeah, sure.

Jinx.

Grandpa. Grandpa. What's wrong?

Jack?

- Jack.
- Jack.

Jack.

Honey. Greg, do something.

Okay. Having some
chest pain? Yeah.

All right. Just relax. I'm
going to check you out.

What's wrong with Grandpa?

He's going to be fine, honey.

Okay, I'm here. Okay.

Jack, you have your
nitro tabs with you?

Greg, he's not responding
to my treatment.

Really? To you waving
your hands over

him? He's not a
Ouija board, Kevin.

Pam? Call 911.

Okay.

Kevin, can you go up to the house,
see if you have some aspirin?

- Aspirin.
- It's all right.

Jinx.

Arthur. Wow.

Thanks, Dad.

Just relax, Jack. It's
going to be okay.

Breathe, breathe.

I promise.

Is he taking any
other medications?

Just the 324 milligrams of aspirin

I gave him about 15 minutes ago.

Thank you, nurse. You did good.
We'll take it from here.

By the way, how'd you guys come by

all these bruises and lacerations?

Oh, it's a long story.

We were in the bouncy castle,
and then he tripped, and...

I get it. My father-in-law tripped

through a plate glass window
at my wedding last year.

All right. Let's
get him loaded up.

Don't worry. We'll take
care of your husband.

We're going to follow behind
you in the car. All right?

Greg.

I know you were telling the
truth about Andi, Greg.

- Really?
- Yeah.

The pulse on your carotid
artery remained steady

as you pleaded your innocence.

Right, of course.

- And, Greg.
- Yeah.

It was never going to
be Dr Bob. It was you.

It was always you.

You just relax and
stay quiet, Mr Byrnes.

I'll see you over there. Okay?

Focker.

Why is he cursing at us?

Hey, we are trying
to help you, sir.

What? What?

You're the Greg Focker.

I'm sorry, what?

You're the... You're
the Greg Focker.

I'm the Greg Focker.

Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Let's get him up.

One more. I need
more. I need more.

One more, one more.

No, I need more.

- Another present.
- Here.

Best Chistmakkah ever.

This is a very special gift, guys.

One more, cool.

What is it, Grandpa Bernie?

I've had it with
me my entire life.

It's my own original
whoopee cushion.

- What does it do?
- Are you kidding me?

Jack, lift up your leg.

Jack, come on.

Disgusting.

It farts.

Jack, we have to laugh at the
stuff that makes us human, right?

Gas, burps. Picking noses?

You kids want to pick your nose
and flick your boogers, do it.

Hey, Bernie.

But do it only when it's dry.

Don't do a wet one. I
have something for Jack.

Take that to your room.

It's what makes life, life.

I know. I know. Here, Jack,

this is a little something
from Bernie and me to you.

Oh, how thoughtful. Thank you.

It is a very thoughtful gift.

It was your idea.

I know.

- What's this?
- What is that?

That is your own
personal yarmulke.

Jack.

One of those little Jewish hats.

Cute.

We know that you're into
that genealogy stuff.

So, when I was nursing
you back to health,

I took the opportunity,
when you were taking a nap,

of snipping a couple of your pubes

and I sent it to one of
those DNA testing sites.

You did what?

We thought it'd be fun to trace
your lineage all the way back.

Yes.

And it turns out, Jack T. Byrnes,

that you are one
twenty-third Israelite.

Welcome to the tribe, Jack.

While I dispute the findings,
I appreciate the gesture.

Thank you, Bernard, Roz.

You're welcome, Ya'akov.

Your Hebrew name. Ya'akov.

- Ya'akov.
- Ya'akov.

Two A's.

Well, listen, Greg,
we're in your home

and you're in charge here, so why
don't you lead us in a toast?

Right.

Honestly, Jack, I have no desire

to try and sound like I am

in any way in charge of
anything in this house.

But I do love our
family very, very much.

And I'm really happy
that we can all

be here together for the weekend.

Then we'll part ways and you
guys will return to your homes

in your own respective
states. Cheers.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Actually, sweetheart, your
dad and I have a little...

Gaylord, we're moving to Chicago.

No, we're serious.
We sold Focker Isle.

We just bought the house two
doors down. Isn't that great?

- No, that's not great.
- Oh, no, if they're moving here,

- then we're moving here.
- Good.

We'll live together,
one big happy family.

We should discuss this.

No. No. No. Jack,

nobody's moving because
nobody's moving. Right?

How else are the kids going to be
Fockerized if we don't live here?

No. Nobody's going
to be Fockerized.

- No.
- Why not?

This Google is a wonderful
tool, Jinxy cat.

Don't tell anyone, but I'm going
to do a search on myself.

Come on. Who needs
something like this?

Who's the target demo for
a drug like Sustengo?

And I got to say it's somebody
like my father-in-law.

His name is Jack Byrnes. You
know, he had a heart attack

and he called me up, he said,
Greg, I've had a heart attack.

Now, I said, First of all, Jack,

don't you have to have a
heart to get one of those?

First weekend I ever met
him, he said to me, he said,

Hey, listen, keep your snake in
its cage for the next 72 hours.

I didn't say it like that.

All right. Maybe
somebody's had their snake

in their cage for
about 30 years. Okay.

Remix. What's a remix?

You know, the guy is
definitely obsessed...

Byrnes, Jack Byrnes.

My father-in-law My father-in-law.

Byrnes, Jack Byrnes.

Candidate for the drug
Obsessed with sex.

Byrnes, Jack Byrnes.

Not getting it up

Jack, Jack Byrnes.

Talk about sexual frustration.

Byrnes.

Obsessed with boobs He can
breast feed his grandson

Jack Byrnes.

Mannary gland Couple of
tugs off the thing himself.

Hey, Focker

I never did that.

Hey, Focker, I got nipples Okay.

Hey, Focker, I got nipples Wow.

Can you milk me?

Circle of trust goes
round and round

Jack Circle of trust
goes round and round.

Byrnes Circle of trust
goes round and round

Jack.

Hello. Hot little number
he's got named Jinxy.

Now, he's talking about you.

Hot little number
he's got named Jinxy.

Jinxy cat, Jinxy cat I love you.

The Godfocker.