Original subtitles

♪ Don't bring a frown to old Broadway ♪

♪ You gotta clown on Broadway ♪

♪ Your troubles there are out of style ♪

♪ For Broadway always wears a smile ♪

♪ A million lights, they flicker there ♪

♪ A million hearts beat quicker there ♪

♪ No skies of gray on the Great White Way ♪

♪ That's the Broadway melody ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you from afar ♪

♪ Two lovely eyes at me ♪

♪ They were gleaming, beaming ♪

♪ I was starstruck ♪

♪ You're all my lucky charms ♪

♪ I'm lucky in your arms ♪

♪ You've opened heaven's portal ♪

♪ Here on Earth for this poor mortal ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ My lucky star ♪

♪ You are my ♪ ♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you ♪ ♪ I saw you from afar ♪

♪ Two lovely eyes at me ♪ ♪ They were gleaming ♪

♪ They were beaming ♪

♪ I was starstruck ♪

♪ You're all my ♪ ♪ You're all my lucky charms ♪

♪ I'm lucky ♪ ♪ I'm lucky in your arms ♪

♪ You've opened heaven's portal ♪

♪ Here on Earth ♪

♪ For this poor mortal ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ My lucky ♪

♪ Star ♪

Thank you, Miss Langford.

Ladies and gentlemen, you have just heard Miss Frances Langford singing:

"You Are My Lucky Star" from the forthcoming musical production...

...Broadway Rhythm.

And now the Apex Brush Company again brings to you that cracked columnist...

...of the New York World Tribune, Bert Keeler, the voice of Broadway.

Giving you the inside dope on what's what among the who's who.

- Take it, Bert. - Good evening, you little scandal lovers.

This is Bert Keeler speaking, the voice of Broadway.

Coming to you with all the late indoor-sport results.

And am I hot tonight.

Flash. New York, New York.

The Park Avenue Bradley Masons are anticipating a blessed event.

It's a boy at the William Tuckers.

Flash. Two dozen safety pins were ordered this morning by the Howard Van Pelts.

Washington, D.C.

There's a rumor that Congress, to help balance the national budget...

...will put a tax on all divorces.

Are you listening, Reno? Heh, heh.

Imagine all those lawyers going back to work.

It's good? Flush.

Or flash: It's quintuplets at the Tenth Avenue Angelo Pasquales.

This is their 16th blessed event.

Hmm, the stork must be using the spare room.

Crash. It's a 72-pound boy at the home of the Leslie, Park Avenue, Rockfords.

Flash: The stork left by aeroplane at midnight...

...for the home of the Sidney O'Hares in Baltimore-Happy landing.

Boy. Call Bert Keeler. Tell him to see me as soon as he finishes his broadcast.

Yes, sir.

- Hi, chief. How'd you like the broadcast? - Rotten.

Can't you write or talk about anything else except who's gonna have a baby?

Why, chief, don't you like my baby talk?

No. Your column reads like a clinical report.

Listen to this, "The stork is flying high over the Conrad Barnums.

A bundle of joy from heaven at the Bartons.

A blessed event threatens the Campbells." It's old stuff.

But the public loves babies.

So do I, but I'm running a newspaper, not a birth forecast.

Don't you think it gives my column a homey feeling, sort of a domestic touch?

That's not Broadway. Now get this, Keeler.

I want the stuff you get looking over transoms and peeking through keyholes.

You can't get stuff through keyholes. Sometimes the people aren't home.

Then you find out where they went and why.

Suppose I find them and they're doing nothing wrong?

People are always doing something wrong for a good reporter.

I see. You want the kind of stuff that'll get me a sock in the nose.

That's right. And you won't be making good until people hate you.

I want everybody in this town looking for your scalp.

Mmm, nice journalistic future I have.

Don't worry. The minute I hear people calling you a rat, I'll raise your salary.

All right, I'll be so big a rat you can put a saddle on me.

Give that stork a rest. Put your nose to the ground...

...and dig up some news that's hot, and remember:

One more blessed event in your column and you're through.

Okay, chief. The only births I'll mention from now on will be on Pullmans.

Bert, who do you think is gonna have a baby?

- Who? - My mother.

- From now on nobody's gonna have babies. - You can't stop my mother...

- ...from having a baby. - I can stop it from having it in my column.

What I'm driving at is we gotta stop watching the stork and pay attention...

- ...to keyholes and transoms. - Why?

Because I'll lose my job. And if I lose my job I've got to let you go.

- Why? - Why?

Because when I'm out of work, I don't need an assistant.

I gotta get the lowdown on something important.

- Well, ain't babies important? - The boss don't think so.

We gotta dig up some dirt. What banker was seen with what chorus girl.

Does it have to be a banker or a chorus girl?

No, but it's gotta be somebody important who's doing something he shouldn't do.

Hey, looks like there's something hot going on down there.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

It's Bob Gordon, the guy who's producing Broadway Rhythm.

- He's talking to a dame. - Who is she?

I think it's Lillian Brent.

- Lillian Brent? - Yeah.

Say, she's got more dough than you and I will ever have.

I'd like to help you out.

Investing money in a show is risky business.

- I wouldn't advise it. - I like taking chances.

- I'd get a kick out of it. - I can't let you do it, Lillian.

- Don't you believe in your show? - I do.

- It's the best thing I've ever written. - That's good enough for me.

Look...

...who told you that I needed money?

What's the difference?

Well, I just didn't want you to think I'd take advantage of our friendship.

You haven't. You had nothing to do with it.

I like the idea of putting money into your show and I'm going to do it.

But...

...we don't have to be too brutally businesslike about it, do we?

It's a business proposition.

- Won't there be anything personal in it? - Mm-hm.

- What? - Your personal check.

Oh, Bob.

I know the show's gonna be a great success and I want it to be, for your sake.

But, darling, please don't become so interested in it...

...that you'll forget all about me?

How could I?

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're having fun ♪

♪ I'll get a go-by when you are done ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a notion it's make-believe ♪

♪ I think you're laughing ♪ ♪ Right up your sleeve ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ Life is worth living ♪ ♪ While you are giving ♪

♪ Moments of paradise ♪

♪ You're such a standout ♪ ♪ But how you hand out ♪

♪ That hocus-pocus From your eyes ♪

♪ I got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' it's all a frame ♪

♪ It's just the well-known old Army game ♪

♪ Foolin' with you ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're having fun ♪

♪ I'll get a go-by when you are done ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪ ♪ I got a notion it's make-believe ♪

♪ And you are laughing right up your sleeve ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ Life is worth livin' while you are givin' ♪

♪ Moments of paradise ♪

♪ You're such a standout ♪ ♪ But how you hand out the» ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' it's all a frame ♪

♪ It's just the well-known old Army game ♪

♪ -No foolin' ♪ ♪ -No foolin' ♪

♪ -No foolin' ♪ ♪ -No foolin' ♪

♪ -When I'm foolin' with you ♪ ♪ »When I'm foolin' with you ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're having fun ♪

♪ I'll get a go-by when you are done ♪ ♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪ ♪ I've got a notion it's make-believe ♪

♪ I think you're laughing ♪ ♪ Right up your sleeve ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' it's all a frame ♪

♪ It's just that well-known old Army game ♪

♪ Foolin' with you ♪

♪ Life is worth living ♪

♪ While you are giving ♪

♪ Moments of paradise ♪

♪ You're such a standout ♪ ♪ But how you hand out ♪

♪ That hocus-pocus from your eyes ♪

- Snooper, do you know what this means? - What?

Anytime a wealthy Park Avenue widow gets chummy with a Broadway guy...

...the public wants to know why.

- Why, is that wrong? - Not at all.

But one of them's got something the other one wants.

It's the same in the Bronx.

- See Mr. Newcombe. - Thank you.

- Is this Robert Gordon's office of Albany? - What's that?

I say, is this Robert Gordon of Albany's office?

Albany office? No, no. New York office.

Yes, I know. But what I mean is...

...is this Robert Gordon's office in New York of Albany?

See if this is it.

You wanna know if this is Albany's office of Robert Gordon's New Yor...

Now you got me doing it.

Don't go away. I'll unravel you in a minute.

Hello? No, sorry, he isn't in.

Now then, let's start from scratch.

- Just who did you want to see? - Bob.

Bob? You mean Mr. Gordon?

Yes.

- What's your name? - Irene Foster.

- Of Albany. - Why, yes.

How did you know?

- I'm psychic. - Really?

- You know, Bob's from Albany too. - Is that so?

We haven't seen each other since he left high school.

For heaven's sake.

We were sort of...

- You know what I mean. - Oh, you weren't.

Mm-hm. See this? It's his school fraternity pin.

He gave it to me five years ago.

Gee, I'm dying to see him again. Is he in?

Not yet. Have you an appointment?

Oh, no. I wanna surprise him.

He may not remember you after five years.

Oh, he'll remember me, all right, especially this.

- What's that? - We used to do that in school.

- You did that to each other? - Uh-huh.

Why?

Well, because we were both born in January.

Oh, I get it, the goat sign.

- A couple of goats. - That's right.

Excuse me. I'm Bert Keeler of the World Tribune.

- I'd like to see Bob Gordon. - Oh, Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.

Well, maybe you can help me out.

You ought to know something about this.

Confidentially, who's banking Gordon's show?

Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.

It's, uh... It's Lillian Brent, isn't it?

- Mr. Gordon isn't in right now. - Mr. Gordon isn't in right now.

All right, I'll wait.

That's the eyes and ears of Broadway, with his nose in everybody's business.

Hey, pardon me.

If you're asleep, you forgot to close your eyes.

Oh, I'm not sleeping.

I'm just practicing my... Rehearsing my specialty.

What specialty?

Well, I'm sort of an expert on snores.

I've been trying to see Mr. Gordon for a month.

What about?

Snoring.

I want to get into his show.

Snoring?

Precisely.

Of all the human sound phenomena...

...perhaps the most inhuman...

...to other people are the snorers.

Well, I agree with you. It is a very unpopular indoor sport.

In discussing the human snore, or what we call in scientific terms...

...soft-palate calisthenics...

...I need scarcely point out that the basic snore...

...is the common or Pullman car form.

Like this:

Just an ordinary snore.

Yeah, it would be silly to waste a good snore in a Pullman.

Snores are produced by two movements of the breath...

...and so they may be classified under two general headings...

...varied inspirational forms and varied expirational forms.

We'll take up the latter first.

Go right ahead. It's very interesting.

All of these expirational forms are dependent upon type one...

...which you've just heard, for their inspirational element.

And so we have type 2-A...

...the labial or "ah-poo" variety.

You know, my... My grandmother used to snore like that.

And 2-8 is the frictional or non-lubricated form.

A little oil would help that one.

And 3-A is the sad or melancholy form.

Which often merges into 3-B...

...the conversational or troubled-conscience variety.

I'm sorry, but I don't think my readers would be interested in an organ recital.

But you haven't heard the air-brake whistle snore...

- Hello, Gordon. - Good morning.

Good morning, Mr. Gordon.

Good morning, Mr. Gordon.

Call the costumers and have them send over the sketches for that ballet number.

Get in touch with Basil. I'd like to start rehearsing as soon as possible.

Oh, yes. Yes, Mr. Gordon.

He just didn't recognize you.

I know he didn't.

Why didn't you give him this?

I forgot to.

Well, it... It's always best to write for an appointment.

I guess you're right.

Ask Mr. Gordon if he'll see me. I gotta get back to the office.

Bert Keeler of the World Tribune wants to see you.

Yes, sir.

He said he saw you on the way in.

Yeah? Well, ask him how I looked.

No, wait. Tell him I want some news on the show. This is publicity.

He wants some news on the show, Mr. Gordon.

He said it's publicity.

Yes, sir, I'll tell him.

What did he say?

He said when he wants publicity he'll hire a publicity man.

Mm-hm. Well, he won't need one.

This is one thing Lillian Brent won't have to pay for. Tell him to read my column.

♪ Sing before breakfast ♪ ♪ Help the birdies along ♪

♪ Before you have that buttered toast ♪ ♪ Have a song ♪

♪ You've got to sing before breakfast ♪ ♪ Green a tune and rejoice ♪

♪ Before you use that coffeepot ♪ ♪ Use your ♪

♪ The whole world may seem funny ♪ ♪ But it is good enough ♪

♪ If you run out of money, honey ♪ ♪ Put it on the cuff ♪

♪ And sing before breakfast ♪

- Oh, hello. - Hello.

Oh, please go right ahead.

We were just working up a little appetite for breakfast.

I didn't mean to interrupt, I'm sorry.

That's all right. Come on over and join us.

Thanks.

This is my sister, Sally Burke.

- How do you do? - Hello.

And my name is Theodore.

But just call me Ted.

- What's your name? - Irene Foster.

That's a good name. For a girl.

- Have you had breakfast? - Oh, yes.

Well, sit down and have some more.

I usually eat breakfast in the morning.

Well, we usually eat breakfast at noon, it saves lunch. It's cheaper that way.

- You just moved here today, didn't you? - Yes.

- Where you from? - Albany.

Albany?

Hey, that's a swell town.

We played there once.

- Were we a panic in Albany. - I'll say.

- What'd I do with those clippings? - Ted?

Remind me to show you those clippings. Terrific.

Oh, then you're in show business?

Yeah. What line are you in?

Well, I really came to New York to see Robert Gordon.

- I thought he might give me a chance. - Did you see him?

Yes, I saw him.

But he didn't remember me.

Was he, uh, supposed to?

Well, he should. We went to school together.

Oh, I get it. You're kind of that way over him, huh?

Well, kind of.

You're going back to see Mr. Gordon again, aren't you?

- Never. - Oh, you've got to.

Yeah, you got to.

Look, you can't let a little thing like that upset you.

- Coffee? - Thanks.

- Well, I really don't feel much like eating. - Oh, trouble never upsets my appetite.

♪ You got to sing before breakf... ♪

- Never sing before breakfast. - I don't believe in that stuff.

Look, you've spilt the salt. Don't you pick some up...

- ...and throw it over your shoulder? - No, I pick it up and throw it over my eggs.

But that's bad luck.

♪ Don't be a superstitious dope ♪

♪ To walk beneath a ladder ♪ ♪ Can never make you sadder ♪

♪ Things people fear to me bring hope ♪

♪ Thirteen's a lucky number ♪ ♪ If you wake from slumber ♪

♪ And sing before breakfast ♪ ♪ Help the birdies along ♪

♪ Before you have that buttered toast ♪

♪ Have a song ♪ ♪ You got to sing before breakfast ♪

♪ Green a tune and rejoice ♪

♪ Before you use that coffeepot ♪ ♪ Use your voice ♪

♪ The whole world may seem funny ♪ ♪ But it is good enough ♪

♪ If you run out of money, honey ♪ ♪ Put it on the cuff ♪

♪ And sing before breakfast ♪ ♪ Never cry at a thing ♪

♪ Before you eat that shredded wheat ♪ ♪ Sing, just sing ♪

♪ - And sing, sister, before breakfast ♪ ♪ - Sing, sing, sister, before breakfast sing ♪

♪ - Sister, before breakfast sing, sister ♪ ♪ - Before breakfast ♪

♪ Open your mouth and sing ♪

♪ You got to sing before breakfast ♪

♪ Green a tune and rejoice ♪

♪ Before you use that coffeepot ♪ ♪ Use your voice ♪

♪ The whole world may seem funny ♪ ♪ But it is good enough ♪

♪ If you run out of money, honey ♪ ♪ Put it on the cuff ♪

♪ And sing before breakfast ♪ ♪ Never cry at a thing ♪

♪ Before you eat that shredded wheat ♪ ♪ Sing, just sing ♪

♪ And sing, and sing, and sing ♪ ♪ And sing ♪

Well, I'll see that he gets the message.

Yes, sir.

Miss Corbett, where did this come from?

A girl left it. Said to give it to you.

A girl?

Mr. Gordon, are you from Albany?

Yes, I am. Why?

And did you use to do this to a girl you went to school with?

Sure, I remember.

- Irene Foster. - That's it.

- Where is she? - She's gone.

Gone? Where did she go?

- I don't know. - Where's she stopping?

- I don't know. - Didn't you get her address?

- No. - That's a fine way to conduct an office.

Find out where she lives. Go on, get busy, find her.

And hurry it up.

- Is Bob Gordon in? - Yes.

Thank you.

- Have you seen Bert Keeler's column? - No. Why?

Well, listen to this:

Flash: Dan Cupid shoots a Park Avenue arrow into the heart of Broadway.

Lillian Brent and Bob Gordon are billing and cooing.

He's cooing until the billing for his new show...

...is backed by cash in the bank." How do you like that?

Wait a minute.

Get Bert Keeler on the phone and tell him I want to see him.

Right away, Mr. Gordon.

How dare Bert print such a thing in the paper.

That guy's been getting away with murder lately by guessing lucky.

Somebody told him I was putting money in the show.

- Did you? - Don't look at me.

- I didn't crack to anybody. - It won't happen again.

- But the damage is done. - I'll say.

Oh, Mr. Gordon, Mr. Keeler says if you wanna see him...

...you'll have to come to his office.

Oh, he did, did he?

All right, I'll do that.

Don't go, I'll be right back.

How do you like that? Ha!

Gordon wants me to come up to his office.

- He's a big guy in this town, isn't he? - So am I.

The secret is to write about big shots, not mingle with them.

I wonder if he'd be mad about that sock you took at him.

Who cares? The more those guys burn, the bigger I become.

Snoop, you know when a columnist is sure he's a success?

- When? - When the people he writes about...

...get sore and wanna see him. Scully is right. Get them mad.

Make them tremble when they pick up the paper.

- And that makes you a success, huh? - That's right.

And furthermore, I'm doing a lot of good.

You may not realize it but I am. People aren't likely...

- ...to go wrong for fear I'll print it. - Yeah?

Yeah.

You know, Snoop. I'm a reformer in a sense.

What sense?

Copy boy.

Copy boy.

Copy boy.

Copy boy.

Hello, Gordon. How is the show coming along?

Glad to hear it. You know Snooper...

- ...my assistant that digs up the dirt for me? - Not all of it.

Keeler, I want a retraction of that item.

You mean that, uh... That little boost I gave you in today's column?

I mean this cheap attack you made against a friend of mine.

Why, Bob, that's publicity.

I usually get something for that kind of stuff.

That's okay with me.

All right, Keeler, put that in your column.

Listen, when you hit him, you gotta hit me too.

- Hey, Snoop. - Yeah?

Remind me to ask for a raise tomorrow.

- Give me a napkin, will you? - What's the matter with you?

- Don't you know how to dunk a doughnut? - Sure, I just lost control, that's all.

- Look, what do you think that hole is for? - Ventilation.

No, you're thinking of the holes in cheese. It's for your thumb.

- Now, look, you put your thumb here... - Yeah.

...your forefinger here and you do this.

I gotta run down to the office.

- If you hear any news give me a buzz. - You forgot your check.

Yeah.

Uh, excuse me, that was Bert Keeler sitting here, wasn't it?

Yeah, why?

- Is he a friend of yours? - Sure, Keeler and I are like that:

This is me on the bottom.

- He could do me a big favor, if he would. - Yeah?

- Your order, please? - Coffee and doughnut.

What about a favor Keeler could do you?

Well, the girl my boss is looking for reads his column.

- Who's your boss? - Robert Gordon. Do you know him?

- Oh, yes, we've met. - Good.

- And who's the girl? - Irene Foster and I've got to locate her.

Listen, Keeler's a great guy, he'll help you. And besides, he does anything I say.

Then will you please tell him to put in his column...

...that Robert Gordon would like to locate Irene Foster?

- Listen. Do you wanna be a regular guy? - Give me a match. What is it?

Put in your column that Bob Gordon is anxious to get in touch with Irene Foster.

- Who's Irene Foster? - A girl.

Yeah, I imagine that. Now what?

You see, she's from Albany. That's Bob Gordon's hometown.

She checked out of high school and came to see Gordon...

...but he didn't recognize her. So she ankles out of his office feeling bad.

High-hatting his old friends, eh?

- No, he's sorry now. - Where did you get all this?

- I got a connection in the office. - Yeah?

Look, will you put it in your column and mark it down as a favor to me?

The pleasure is all mine.

- Gee, you're a regular guy at that, Bert. - Thanks.

And everybody in town thinks you're a heel, but I don't anymore.

Well, thanks, Snoop. I...

Come in.

Mr. Keeler?

- Yeah. - You remember me?

Oh, yeah, you're the guy that goes around snoring at people.

Snoop. Snoop. I want you to meet Mr., uh...

Mr...

- What's his first name? - I don't know.

- He wants to get into Gordon's show. - Yeah? What do you do?

I snore.

Oh, you're part of the audience.

No, I... You see, I'm really a research professor of sound phenomena.

Hey, why don't you give him a sample of whatever you're talking about?

Well, certainly.

Well, for instance, there's...

...the light and thin or blond type of snore:

Or the larger and fuller or brunette variety:

And there's the ascending diapason:

And the descending diapason:

And of course the double diapason:

- That's good. - Yeah.

But, uh...

The evident sign of the experienced and accomplished snorer...

...is type seven, the interrupted inspiration...

...or static lag variety:

You know, I've been all through this.

Which merges and extends itself ultimately...

...and I think I may say, without fear of successful contradiction...

...almost inevitably into type eight...

...which might be called the last word in snoring.

This is the auto-resuscitation, or self-awakening variety:

Uh, shall I go on?

No, you stay and I'll go on.

I'll go with you.

Hey, why don't you come too?

'The Main Stem' by Bert Keeler.

"Gardenias to Irene Foster for walking out on Bob Gordon.

Cabbages to him for not recognizing the Albany beauty.

Some guys are like that.

They prefer widows, especially if they are rich."

How do you suppose he ever got a hold of that?

What do you care, as long as your name's spelt right?

You can't keep any secrets from Keeler.

- Oh, I think that's awful. - What do you mean awful?

Yeah. Say, onions from that guy...

...are better than chrysanthebubs from anybody else.

Better than what?

Chrysanthemums.

- Why don't you go back and see Gordon? - I will not.

You came here to see him, didn't you?

Yes, but I still have a little pride left.

So has Gandhi but he's getting awful thin.

You know, if you could only do something besides dance.

Gordon can buy hoofers a dime a dozen, but if you could do, say, a bubble dance...

...or a dance on a tightrope.

I remember a fellow once that had an act.

He used to dance and while he was dancing he'd spin a rope with one hand...

...and play a saxophone with the other.

And in the meanwhile...

Oh, hello, what's your name?

My name is Eva Lovelace.

Of course I haven't done very much, just a little stock in Boston.

Oh, that isn't really my name.

I just use that for the theater.

But it does have a sort of melodious sound, don't you think?

Eva Lovelace. Oh, I can see my name in lights now.

Oh, I do so wanna be a great actress.

A really, truly great actress.

Tell me, did you know Ellen Terry and Sarah Bernhardt?

How I should love to be like Sarah Bernhardt...

...and have my name in the hall of fame.

That's Katharine Hepburn in Morning Glory.

Who do you think it is, Shirley Temple?

Tell him that he'll never know what he's done for me. Not really.

Our lives are like two rivers now, running into one sea.

And that to be a great actress, one must experience every emotion in life.

Oh, I know, don't ask me.

I just do know that I love him.

Really, I do.

That's very good. Now, with this fellow with the rope and the saxophone.

In the meanwhile, the girl...

Oh, you.

And another thing, the circulation of the paper is growing and what's doing it?

- Your column. - Right.

You know, Snoop. I'm gonna be syndicated.

Spread all over the country.

Hey, listen, if you hit him you gotta hit me too.

Keeler, I'm warning you.

One more crack like that in your column and I won't be so easy with you.

- Hey, Snoop. - Yeah?

I can take it, can't I?

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're having fun ♪

♪ I'll get a go-by when you are done ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a notion it's make-believe ♪

♪ I think you're laughing ♪ ♪ Right up your sleeve ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

♪ Life is worth living ♪ ♪ While you are giving ♪

♪ Moments of paradise ♪

♪ You're such a standout ♪ ♪ But how you hand out ♪

♪ That hocus-pocus from your eyes ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' you're foolin' ♪

♪ I've got a feelin' it's all a frame ♪

♪ It's just the well-known old Army game ♪

♪ Foolin' with me ♪

Girls, leave your name and address with Miss Corbett.

Those we select will be notified later.

All right, line up down front here. Come on, now.

All right, can you sing or dance?

I sing but I can dance in a pinch.

This is not a pinch, this is a show.

I'll take your name and we'll call you in a pinch.

All right, next.

- Well, how tall are you? - Oh, about up to here.

Okay, see Miss Corbett.

But I've had no experience.

You won't need any. Name, please.

My name is Irene Foster. I'm 5'5" in my stocking feet...

...and I've had one very unpleasant experience.

- What are you...? - Shall I see Miss Corbett?

No. You better come over here and see me.

Thanks.

Hmm. Looks like that's all for today, girls.

- Well... - Well?

Well.

- Well... - You just said that.

Yeah, I know, but...

You're all grown up now. I mean, you look older.

Well, I am older.

That usually happens to a girl between the ages of 16 and 22.

Yeah, now that I look at you, you haven't changed so much.

I recognized you instantly.

Yeah, I know, I'm sorry about that.

My office is the last place in the world that I'd expect to run into you.

You knew I'd get there someday.

We used to talk about it.

You were going to be the great producer and I'd be a great star.

What funny, goofy dreams kids have.

That is a great gag, your standing in line with those girls.

That wasn't any gag. I wanted a job.

Say, did you ever run into my friend, Henry Schultz? What's he doing now?

Oh, he's running a delicatessen store.

Bob, won't you give me a chance?

You didn't come to New York to become that great actress you talked about?

- That was one of the reasons. - What was the other?

- I... I've forgotten. - Well, I'll bet it was a lot more important.

Remember that summer in the Adirondacks when we lived next door to each other?

I remember every day and...

And every night of that summer.

Up to five minutes ago, I'd forgotten all about it.

Now I can't remember anything else.

Bob, you came to New York and you made good.

Now, I've come to New York and I wanna make good.

I want everything we ever planned and dreamed about to come true.

So do I, Irene, but New York and Broadway, they're not what we thought they were.

They're hard and cold.

A lovely creature like you wouldn't have a chance here.

- Oh, Bob, you're wanted in the office. - Later. I'm busy now.

It's important.

- Okay. Don't run away. I'll drive you home. - All right.

- Basil. - Yes.

Who is it?

- Lillian Brent. - Listen, tell her I'll see her later.

She's been waiting all afternoon.

- She has, huh? - And she's plenty burned up.

- Well, what'll I tell her? - Never mind. I'll see her.

- Sorry to keep you waiting so long. - You should be.

- Well, I was detained. - So I understand.

In an empty theater with a chorus girl.

She isn't a chorus girl. She's an old friend from my hometown.

Don't you think I'm more important than anyone else?

Yeah, sure I do, Lillian. You ought to know that.

♪ In my imagination ♪

♪ I live the things I like to do ♪

♪ In my imagination ♪

♪ Make believe it's really true ♪

♪ In my imagination ♪

♪ I paint a scene of ecstasy ♪

♪ In my imagination ♪

♪ My hero sings these words ♪

♪ To me ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you ♪

♪ From afar ♪

♪ Two lovely eyes at me ♪

♪ They were gleaming ♪

♪ Beaming ♪

♪ I was starstruck ♪

♪ You're all ♪

♪ My lucky charms ♪

♪ I'm lucky ♪

♪ In your arms ♪

♪ You've opened heaven's portal ♪

♪ Here on Earth for this poor mortal ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ I saw you from afar ♪

♪ Two lovely eyes at me ♪ ♪ They were gleaming ♪

♪ Beaming ♪

♪ I was starstruck ♪

♪ You're all my lucky charms ♪

♪ I'm lucky in your arms ♪

♪ You've opened heaven's portal ♪ ♪ Here on Earth for this poor mortal ♪

♪ You are ♪

♪ My lucky star ♪

Miss Foster.

- Miss Foster. - Oh.

- Oh, hello. - Boy, I wish I could concentrate like that.

- Is Mr. Gordon still busy? - Oh, yes, he is.

He sent me to tell you that he's busy...

...and he won't be able to take you home.

- He's terribly sorry and so am I. - Thanks.

- Goodbye. - Bye-bye.

And another thing, if I'm to be in your new show...

...I demand all the attentions a leading lady deserves.

- Leading lady? - Yes.

You haven't one, have you?

- No, not yet. - Well, darling, you have now.

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

You know as well as I do that this part needs a name.

If I can only get a star, the show's bound to click.

And if you don't?

What then?

Well, I'll postpone production. Why take a chance?

Listen. If I'm willing to take a chance, you should be.

After all, darling. I am putting up the money.

- Is that the way you feel about it? - Exactly.

All right.

I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll gamble with you.

If I don't get a star for this show in two weeks, I'll give you the part.

Do you really mean it?

- Positively. - Oh, Bob.

Did you ring?

Yes.

Book passage for me on the first plane leaving New York for Los Angeles.

- Yes, sir. - But, Bob, why?

I'm going to Hollywood. I'm gonna find a star for this show if I have to steal Garbo.

- There's a plane leaving for the coast at 9. - And I'll be on it.

- Anything else? - No, that'll be all.

Lillian, I've got an awful lot to do. May I take you somewhere?

Yes. You can take me home.

- Oh, Miss Corbett. - Yes, sir.

Don't tell anyone that I'm leaving.

- I want that kept quiet. - Yes, Mr. Gordon.

- Good night. - Good night.

Hello.

- I ought to have you arrested. - For what?

- For snooping. - I didn't hear anything, honest, I didn't.

Except why Bob was talking to Lillian...

If you tell Bert Keeler what you heard, I'll choke the socks off you.

- I never tell Bert Keeler anything. - Promise me.

Well, I will if you'll have dinner with me tonight.

I'll do it just for meanness.

Is this your idea of a dinner?

We'll have more doughnuts and then I'll take you to a restaurant.

Oh, you're too good to me.

Hello, Snoop.

Hi, Bert.

- Hello. - Hello.

- Well, any news? - No.

- Oh, secrets, huh? - Honest, it's nothing you ought to know.

Just the kind of stuff I print. What is it?

Why don't you shut up?

Well, I ain't said nothing. Yet.

I guess you're looking for another punch in the nose.

Yeah? Gordon won't ever do that again.

- Not if he's in California. - No.

Oh, so that's it. Gordon's going West, huh?

What did you promise me, Snoop?

Yes, Snoop. What did you promise the lady?

I promised Kitty I wouldn't tell you that Gordon had a fight with Lillian Brent.

- Snoop. - What about?

It's nothing, it's just that he can't get a leading lady for his show.

You ought to have a zipper on your mouth.

I don't know how to play one.

So Gordon can't get a leading lady?

Yeah. If he can't get one, he's gonna let Lillian Brent play the part.

Well, why doesn't he get that French star?

- What French star? - That... Oh, what's her name again?

La Belle Arlette, that's it.

- La Belle Arlette? - Yes, Mademoiselle La Belle Arlette...

...from the Comédie Française in Paris.

Never heard of her.

Oh, my dear child, don't say that.

Everybody's heard of Arlette. Haven't they, Snoop?

Oh, yeah, sure, certainly.

- What's she like? - Tall, beautiful, blond.

Maybe Mr. Gordon'd be interested. I have to be going.

Oh, thanks for the banquet, Snoop.

Anytime at all, Kitty.

Don't forget to tell Gordon about Arlette.

Hey, Bert, who's Mademoiselle Arlette?

Just a cigar.

Well, I can't get the angle of you trying to kid her.

It isn't her. It's Gordon I want to rib.

She'll go back and tell Gordon all about Arlette.

- Then I'll build her up in my column. - But there is no Mademoiselle Arlette.

Nobody knows it but you and me.

Now I'm sorry you know it.

Not since the arrival of the Statue of Liberty has France sent to this country...

...such a glamorous, beautiful and talented personality...

...as Mademoiselle La Belle Arlette.

In this correspondent's opinion...

...it won't belong before Mademoiselle La Belle Arlette's beauty, talent...

...charm and, uh...

...mildness will make her the talk of the town.

Flash.

- Hello. Glad to see you back. - Thanks. Anything new?

- Plenty. Hello. - Hi, Bob. Have a good trip?

Terrible. Come on inside.

Miss Corbett, will you come in, please?

- Well, what happened in Hollywood? - Nothing.

Those movie stars are guarded like a Turkish harem.

That makes things tough. What are you gonna do?

That's what I'd like to know. Everybody's in pictures.

It's impossible to cast a show anymore.

Why, haven't you heard about Mademoiselle Arlette?

- Who? - Here, look.

- Haven't you read about her? - No. Who is she?

I don't know, but Keeler's been giving her boost in his column.

Why, every manager in town's after her.

Arlette?

- Where's she from? - Paris.

- What's she look like? - I don't know.

- You haven't seen her? - No.

- Where's she stopping? - I don't know.

Why? What have you been doing while I was away?

Nobody knows where she is. It's a mystery.

We've gotta get in touch with her. Check every hotel in town.

Yes, sir.

All right, mademoiselle. Relax.

Hey, when can I get out of this harness?

My feet hurt.

You look about as effeminate as Wallace Beery.

Now, look, Snoop, all you have to do is sit here all day and answer the phone.

- Now, can you talk like a dame? - I can try.

Let's hear it.

Buy me a Rolls-Royce, Daddy.

You're thinking like one anyway, but you gotta get your voice higher, higher, way up.

Look, Snoop, if there's any soprano in you, this is the time to bring it out.

- Now, try it again. - Buy me... Ahem.

Buy me a Rolls-Royce...!

I can't.

Then we're stuck.

Say, maybe you better be a man.

What do you mean maybe?

- As Arlette's secretary. - I'll feel more natural.

All right. What are you going to say?

- Remember, you're a French secretary. - Yeah.

What are you gonna say when Gordon asks for Mademoiselle Arlette?

- What are you going to say? - Well, I'll say, "Bonjour, oui, oui.

Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.

She is very, very busy with the rehearsal."

How's that?

Very good.

The other 50 million Frenchmen must be wrong.

Well, does the dame have to come from Paris?

Certainly, the publicity is out.

Gee, I wish you could speak French.

I speak French. Si, Si, señor.

That's Spanish.

Imagine that. I speak Spanish too.

Hello? Hotel Carlton?

Have you a Mademoiselle Arlette registered there?

Oh, may I speak to her?

Wait. Wait a minute.

Now, hold it.

- Now, listen, you talk just like a secretary. - Bonjour.

This is Robert Gordon's office.

May I speak to Mademoiselle Arlette?

Oui, oui.

Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.

She is very, very busy rehearsing.

- Hello. - Oh, Mr. Gordon...

...Arlette's on the wire. She's singing.

It's Arlette. Shh.

It's a cinch, it's not Crosby.

Hello?

Hello, this is Robert Gordon speaking.

May I speak to Mademoiselle Arlette?

Hey, it's Gordon.

I am sorry. Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.

She is very, very busy rehearsing.

- Oh, Mr. Gordon. - Miss Corbett.

I want you to send a telegram to Arlette. Arrange for an interview.

Tell her that I must see her.

Yes. sir. And, Mr. Gordon, Miss Foster's here.

Oh. Well, yeah, all right. Have her come in.

All right, Miss Foster. You can come in now.

- Hello, Irene. - Hello, Bob.

Gee, I'm glad you dropped in. I've been wondering if you were still in town.

Oh, I want you to meet two friends of mine.

- Ted and Sally Burke. - How do you do?

The Burkes?

Say, I remember you.

I caught your act in Detroit. You used to work with a trained duck, didn't you?

- That's right. - You still got that act together?

Everything but the duck.

You know, it's been a kind of a tough winter.

- You mean you ate the act? - Last Christmas.

- Oh, what are you doing now? - Nothing since the duck died.

Mr. Gordon, this is Irene's appointment.

We just came with her.

She wants to go in your show.

She's got talent, plenty of it.

All she needs is a chance.

And you can give it to her.

- That's quite a compliment, Irene. - Really, Mr. Gordon, Irene is clever.

We know. Don't we, Ted?

- Sure do. - Well, I'd like to think it over, Irene.

- Casting a show is a very important matter. - That's right.

Say, how'd you like to go in my new show, both of you?

Take it easy, Mr. Gordon. I got a weak heart.

Really, we didn't come here to talk about ourselves.

- It's about Irene. - Oh, that's all right, Sally.

- But you don't understand... - Wait. I'm offering you a job.

- Don't you want it? - We do.

- Well, then, it's settled. - Oh, I think it's wonderful, Sally.

But what about you?

Mr. Gordon, what about Irene?

I'll talk with Irene alone.

- Come back, Ted. We'll talk about money. - You won't find us hard to deal with.

That's fine. I'm glad you dropped in.

See you at the house, Irene.

- Goodbye, Sally. - Goodbye.

- Goodbye, Mr. Gordon. - Goodbye, Ted.

Well, how do you feel now?

I feel terrible.

Terrible about what?

We go in to get her a job and we come out with it.

I told you we didn't need that duck.

Well, I don't know what to say, Irene.

I want you to... Well, I want you to understand how I feel about all this.

I want you to go back to Albany.

- But why, Bob? I've just come from there. - That's what you gotta understand.

I know how it is. You worked hard at what you were doing...

...saved your money and deprived yourself of a lot of things you should've had.

So you could come to New York and get a chance at what you wanted.

- I did that. - I know you did.

But it isn't worth it.

What you get isn't what you came after.

I know that too.

Look, there's nothing for you here in New York.

I could give you a bit in my show and maybe you'd get another and another...

- That's all I want. That's enough for me. - Yeah, but not for me.

If you were anyone else, okay. But you're not.

I know what'd happen to you here in New York.

I know how cheap and selfish this town is. The easiest thing for me to do...

...is to give you the chance and put you away and forget about it.

But I can't.

So I'm taking the hard way.

Won't you go back to Albany?

- Without even one try of what I want? - Without even one try.

- Bob, do you honestly think it's best? - I know it is.

All right, I'll go home.

Oh, say, by the way...

...whatever happened to the fellow who gave you this?

I don't know. I haven't seen him for years.

He's probably forgotten all about me.

Well, I imagine he ran off and died somewhere, don't you?

I imagine so.

Well, uh...

...will you wear it for me?

Uh, I think you'd better go home and pack.

I'll pick you up in an hour and drive you to the station.

Well, did you do yourself any good?

- I'm going back home. - Why?

Well, he thinks it's best for me.

Oh, that's too bad.

But that's the way it goes in this racket.

- Are you sure you're not just stage-struck? - Of course not.

Oh, I know I could do something if I only had the chance.

You know. I've heard that a million times but...

Well, for some reason or other, I believe you.

You're the only one that does.

- Yes, sir? - Why don't you answer when I ring?

- Come in here. - Coming.

Oh. Stick around a few minutes, honey. I wanna talk to you.

Yes, sir.

Miss Corbett, get me a ticket and a compartment...

...on the afternoon train for Albany. It's for Miss Foster.

- She's an awful nice kid, isn't she? - Of course she is.

Mr. Gordon, why are you sending her back?

You don't think I want her to stay around this place, do you?

I think she'd like to.

Listen, will you stop worrying about my private affairs?

Yes, sir.

Have you been able to get in touch with Arlette?

I've been ringing her all morning.

All her secretary can say is:

"Mademoiselle, she is busy rehearsing.

Mademoiselle, she is having her face lifted."

She's the busiest dame I ever saw.

All right, ring her again.

- I've gotta get in touch with her. - Yes, sir.

Hello.

Hello.

I'd like to speak to Mademoiselle Arlette if she's not baking a cake.

Bonjour. Oui, our”. Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy.

She is very, very busy rehearsing.

Doesn't that dame do anything but rehearse?

I wanna talk to her. It's urgent.

This is Robert Gordon's secretary.

Hi, Kitty.

Say that again, you.

Hello!

- Good luck with the show, Bob. - Thanks, Irene, I need it.

- I wish I were going back to Albany too. - Oh, Albany is no place for you.

An amateur like me, maybe, but not you. You've arrived in New York.

- That's where you belong. - I know. I'd like to see the old place again.

What could possibly interest you in Albany?

Well, you're going to be there.

Well, it's nice to know I'd interest you in Albany anyway.

Do you know my address, in case you come up for a visit...

- ...or if you wanna write or something? - 560 Washington Avenue.

- Hmm! Quite a memory. - I spent all last night trying to remember it.

Board!

- Goodbye, Irene. - Goodbye, Bob.

Board!

- You know something? - What?

I wish this train weren't pulling out.

Oh, I bet you tell that to all the girls.

- Mail this letter when you arrive in Albany. - Yes, ma'am.

- You won't forget? - No, ma'am, I won't.

Thank you.

Come on. Hurry. I've got a taxi waiting.

It's time for promenading

And I'll be with you soon

All the best folks are parading On a Sunday afternoon

We'll rent a horse and carriage And I'll be proud of you

We'll talk about a marriage On the busy avenue

And then we'll ride To the countryside

I'll burst with pride In your Sunday gown

You're the talk of the town

Now, you can have the twilight And you can have the moon

Give me those happy moments On a Sunday afternoon

Now, you can have the twilight

And you can have the moon

Give me those happy moments

On a Sunday afternoon

Well, Bob, what do you think of it?

Well, the routine's okay.

What I'm worried about is finding a star for this show.

- I'd like to talk to you. - Hi, Lilly.

I just found a very cute little poem about us in Keeler's column.

I'd like to read it to you.

Lilly was an amateur Who had a lot of dough

Bob was just another guy Who longed to do a show

Now Lil has the role she wants And Bobby has his million

The woman pays, the woman plays And Bob is stuck with Lillian

Can't you stop Keeler from printing such stuff in his column?

If I continue writing this column, I'll need a bodyguard.

- You're not yellow? - No.

But can't you put me on "Advice to the Lovelorn"

...or "How to Bake a Cake"?

Listen, your column's going strong. You're a success.

People hate the ground you walk on.

Everybody in town wants to see you hit by a taxi. Think of it.

Boy, am I hot. Everybody hates me.

- Ain't that swell, Snoop? - Yeah.

Five people phoned me today and called you a rat.

Isn't that sweet? That entitles me to that raise, doesn't it?

- You get your raise. - Fine. I'll buy some accident insurance.

Keep up the good work, my boy. I may give you a bonus.

Thanks. Looks like I'll die a rich man.

If I live long enough.

Well, Snoop, here's another boost for my friend Gordon.

This is the crowning point of our career.

Say, we've been crowned twice already.

That's applause to a good newspaperman. Get this.

'Bob Gordon's efforts to get Mademoiselle Arlette for his new play have failed.

People are asking why. Maybe she read his play.

It's our guess that he will have to sign up Lillian "No Talent" Brent as his lucky star.

This move should make Gordon Broadway's public enemy number one."

- How do you like that? Right on the nose. - Yeah, but whose nose?

Oh, you're not a bit optimistic.

That man is here again.

Hello, we were expecting you.

What's on your mind, Gordon? Unh!

Hey, listen...

- Hey, Snoop. - What?

Get off. This is as far as we go.

What's the matter, hedging?

No, I'm not. But this show means everything to me.

Oh, come on. Be regular. Give me a few more days.

Listen, you promised me the lead...

...if you weren't able to find anybody in two weeks.

Your time is up.

- Be reasonable, Lillian. - No.

We made a bargain and I expect you to live up to it.

All right.

There's your contract.

Sign here.

I suppose you know that if the show flops, I'm ruined and you're out 60,000 bucks.

Yes, my sweet. I know all about that.

Now you sign, right under mine.

- Mr. Gordon. - Yeah?

Mademoiselle Arlette, she wishes to see you.

- Arlette? You mean she's here now? - Yes, sir.

Sign this contract and stop stalling.

Not if there's a chance of getting her for the part.

- All right, you have her come in now. - Yes, sir.

Oh! Don't you get jittery.

- What'd he say? - Don't you begin getting nervous.

I've lost 8 pounds since we started this thing.

- Who's nervous? - We'll both get the electric chair for this.

What's worse, I'm liable to lose my job.

Forget about that. I'm all right. You'll see the best Frenchwoman...

...any high school dramatic society ever turned out.

If this were only a high school society. Do you know your name?

- Irene Foster. - Oh, no, you're Mademoiselle Arlette...

...and you're from Paris and you've been very busy rehearsing.

Mr. Gordon, you sent for me, yes?

Yeah, well, it sounds a little Swedish but I guess you'll get by, I hope.

Mr. Gordon, you sent for me, yes?

Yes, of course, I did, mademoiselle, some time ago...

...but, well, I'd given up hope of ever seeing you.

You see, I have been very, very busy rehearsing.

Yeah. Pardon me. May I present Miss Lillian Brent?

And why not?

I am always happy to meet people.

- How do you do? - Delighted.

If you don't mind, Bob, I'll run along.

Would you kindly ask Mr. Gordon to call me tonight if he's not too busy?

- I'll make a note of that. - Thanks.

- Snoop. - Yeah?

Get a load of this.

"Bob Gordon signs Mademoiselle Arlette for new show Broadway Rhythm.

The beautiful and talented French actress, Arlette...

...has signed a contract to star in Bob Gordon's Broadway Rhythm production.

The young producer is to be complimented for having secured the services of Arlette.

Rehearsals start today." What do you think of that?

Hey, that's a beautiful dame.

But how can Gordon sign Arlette when there is no Arlette?

That's what I'd like to know.

- Snoop. - What?

Have you spoken to anyone since the last time I was here?

Yeah, a lot of people.

What did you say?

"Mademoiselle Arlette, she is busy..."

No, no, no, Snoop. Did you say anything else?

- Yeah. - What?

- "She is very, very busy." - No, no. Look.

Look, Snoop, I want you to think.

Look, I don't want you to strain yourself. I just want you to think.

About what?

Is there anyone in particular you remember speaking to while I was away?

- Yeah. - Who?

Kitty Corbett, Bob Gordon's secretary.

What did you say?

"Mademoiselle Arlette, she..."

Besides that?

I said, "Hi, Kitty."

- What? - But I hung right up.

- You know me, trigger judgment. - Oh, you hung up?

Whenever I'm through with the phone, I hang up the receiver.

That's smart. Have you seen her since?

- Yeah, she was here. - Here?

What did she say?

I don't know. I was asleep.

Asleep?

- She was here and you were asleep? - Yeah, I dozed off.

She left this.

- Well, of all the dumb guys... - Don't worry about Corbett.

She won't tip the gag off. She said so.

Just the same, I gotta find out who this dame is that Gordon's got signed up.

What do you want me to do?

Go down to the ocean and pull a wave over your head.

Well, that's not so good, but I guess it'll have to do.

Take five minutes' rest.

Five minutes' rest.

Who is it?

- Mademoiselle Arlette? - Oui, monsieur.

Mr. Gordon's ready to see your number.

Très bien, I come, toute de suite.

All right.

Hey, keep your fingers crossed.

Oh, my.

Ah, ban/our, Monsieur Gordon, you ready for me, yes?

- Yes, mademoiselle. All ready. - Merci beaucoup.

You know Mademoiselle Arlette's music, yes?

Why, no, mademoiselle, I don't.

Oh, tsk, tsk, tsk. Too bad.

Then you play for me something like...

How you say, like...?

Like:

- Oh, no, no, no, monsieur, no. - No?

Something with the... Ah!

With rhythm, n'est-ce pas?

- Yes? - You mean hot.

Yes.

Oh, no, no, no.

No.

Ah! Very good.

No, no, no. No.

That is all wrong. Don't play anything.

Oh, monsieur, I am so sorry.

You see, he does not understand.

Well, mademoiselle, may I get you another pianist?

Oh, no, no, no.

I tell you, I do for you like I did in Paris without any music.

It is much better that way.

Ah! You like this one, no?

You got him, sister. You got him.

This Arlette you've been spreading all over your column...

...do you know who she is?

Yeah. She's a 5-cent cigar and a very bad smoke.

Maybe so. But there is a Mademoiselle Arlette living in Paris...

...and she threatens suit.

Read that cable.

What are you gonna do about that?

Don't worry, chief. I'm killing Arlette tonight.

- Killing her? - Everything will be taken care of.

There won't be any bloodshed, just a nice quiet assassination.

And don't send orchids.

Oh, no, no, no, Monsieur Gordon, I never, never go out in public.

Tonight you've got to make an exception.

I've invited the press and the cast. The whole party is for you.

Why, the publicity alone will put the show over.

Oh, come on, please say you'll go.

Très bien, if you insist.

Ha, ha, swell.

Hello?

It's for you, mademoiselle.

Merci.

- Hello? Oui? - This is Bert Keeler of the World Tribune.

I wanna see you at my office right away.

If you're as smart as I think you are, you'll grab a taxi and hurry over.

I come at once.

Anything wrong?

- No, no, no, nothing of importance. - Oh, whatever it is, I'd like to help you.

Monsieur Gordon, you will excuse me, please. I must go.

Can't I go with you?

Oh, no, man chéri, this is one time, Arlette, she must be alone.

All right.

Au revoir, until tonight.

Monsieur Keeler, you sent for me, no?

I'm Keeler and I sent for you, yes.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

You see, I have been very, very busy...

- ...rehearsing. - Rehearsing.

If you're a French, I'm a Chinaman.

- That is possible. - Sit down.

You know, I'm very happy to meet you.

- Oh, monsieur. - You can call me mister.

What made you think you could get away with a gag like this?

Gag? Well, what is it, gag?

Now listen, sister, if you wanna play games with me, I'll send out for some Parcheesi.

I don't like cheese.

- Well? - Well?

All right, I'll handle it another way.

Get Bob Gordon on the phone.

Don't do that, please.

Okay, skip it.

Now, talk fast.

I wanted to get into Bob's show and this was the only way to do it.

- Why? - He wouldn't give me a chance...

...under my right name. But as Arlette, he thinks I'm terrific.

He may be right and that's what I'm afraid of.

Well, the party's over.

I'm sorry I have to ruin a perfectly good racket.

- Why? - Why?

I build up a phony Arlette as a gag.

You step in, Gordon cashes in on the publicity...

...and I'm the biggest chump on Broadway.

- And everybody lived happily ever after. - But not on me.

Now, listen, I made Arlette and I can break her.

I got a paper behind me that'll print anything I write.

Here's my column for tomorrow. Get this.

"Arlette refuses Gordon's ridiculous offer and sails for France today."

And everybody lived happily ever after.

Without Arlette.

You'd deliberately ruin Bob Gordon's show...

...just to get even for a couple of harmless blows on the jaw?

Harmless?

My getting into this show means a lot to me but it means much more to Bob.

And I'm going to protect him.

I don't care what you write about me in that column of yours. Get this straight.

You can't stop Arlette from opening in that show tomorrow night.

- Oh, excuse me. - Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

If you don't think I can do it, maybe the real Arlette can stop you.

The real Arlette? There isn't any real Arlette.

That's what I thought.

Here's a cablegram we got from Paris. "Unless you discontinue publicity...

...in your column and expose person masquerading as Arlette...

...my attorneys will bring suit against you and Gordon.

Mademoiselle Arlette."

What do you think of that?

Gordon's giving her a banquet.

If she doesn't show as Arlette, we're in for another sock in the nose.

I can't help that.

I'm sorry, kid, I had to do this.

Just a minute.

You know, you're not in such a healthy spot yourself.

Whatever Bob and I have done was based on your phony information.

Now, you listen to me.

- I can't understand why she isn't here. - I can't understand...

- ...why she didn't come with you. - She'd rather come alone.

- Go phone the hotel. See if she's left yet. - Right-o.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

- Good evening, Mr. Keeler. - Good evening.

This way, please.

- Good evening, Mr. Gordon. - Hello.

Irene.

Oh, hello, Bob.

What on earth are you doing back in New York?

I didn't go home. I've been here all the time.

Why didn't you let me know?

I really didn't think you were interested.

Pardon me, Bob, but Miss Foster is my guest for this evening.

Come, Irene.

Sorry, Bob.

I'm terribly nervous, Mr. Keeler.

Yeah? How do you think I feel? You know, this wasn't my idea.

Bob, get a load of this in Keeler's column.

- Another one of Keeler's ribs. - At your expense.

- What? - I've checked everywhere. I can't locate her.

- Call her hotel. She's there. - I've called twice. She's not there.

They said she checked out late this afternoon.

Don't you think we ought to tell him?

Say, how would you like a sock in the nose?

Now, go ahead. You've just got time to make it.

♪ Broadway, street of a million lights ♪

♪ Broadway, street of a million sights ♪

♪ Broadway, street of a million nights ♪

♪ Nights of pain and tears and sorrow ♪

♪ Nights that promise gay tomorrows ♪

♪ But up or down or sad or gay ♪ ♪ There's something in this old Broadway ♪

♪ That makes you tingle in and out ♪

♪ That makes you stand right up and shout ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪ ♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪ ♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Out on the gay White Way ♪ ♪ In each merry café, orchestras play ♪

♪ Taking your breath away ♪ ♪ With that Broadway rhythm ♪

♪ It's got me ♪ ♪ Everybody sing and dance ♪

♪ Oh, that Broadway rhythm ♪

♪ Oh, that Broadway rhythm ♪

♪ When I hear that happy beat ♪

♪ Feel like dancing down the street ♪

♪ Oh, that Broadway rhythm ♪

♪ Writhing, beating rhythm ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪ ♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪ ♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪ ♪ On the gay White Way ♪

♪ In each merry café ♪

♪ Orchestras play ♪

♪ Taking your breath away ♪

♪ With that Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪ ♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Everybody sing and dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got you, it's for me ♪ ♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪

♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪

♪ Everybody dance ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪

♪ Everybody sing and dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance ♪

♪ Gotta dance, dance on Broadway ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it's got me ♪ ♪ Everybody sing and dance ♪

♪ Dance ♪

♪ Dance ♪

♪ Dance ♪

♪ Dance, if your head is reeling, dance ♪

♪ If you have no feeling, dance ♪

♪ If you're hot and breathing, dance ♪

♪ If you wake up screaming ♪

♪ Broadway rhythm, it gets you ♪ ♪ Everybody sing and ♪

♪ Dance all night ♪ ♪ Rhythm for dances got rhythm ♪

♪ Of Broadway ♪

- Here, I got the boss for you. - Hello, Keeler speaking.

Stop press, flash a new lead mainstem column:

"What Bob Gordon will lead which Irene Foster down the bridal path...

...after premiere of Broadway Rhythm?

What unidentified body, named Bert Keeler...

...was chosen as best man by popular acclaim?

Question mark, exclamation point."

That sounds to me like the 2-A, the ah-poo variety.

No, no, I think that's 7-3, the super-static lag.

Oh, Mr. Keeler, you're both wrong.

That was 5-A, the wah-wah...

♪ I saw you from afar ♪

♪ You are my Shearer, Crawford, Hepburn ♪ ♪ Harlow and my Garbo ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪

♪ You are my lucky star ♪