Original subtitles

The mini-break is a colossal cauldron of crazy

within which boils a bewildering broth of baffle.

How in the cusp can you be certain your condensed campaign

of consumption is proceeding correctly?

Fear not, for I am the heinous hodgepodge called Richard Ayoade.

I'm here to get your short haul game tight.

I, joined by some of the most available and affordable names

in light ent, am going to rollick you round a maxi-packed mini-break.

This is travel without mercy.

Tonight, 48 hours in the city which took at least two days to build.

I'm talking R to the Ome.

Over 20 mill tourists per annum swamp the eternal city

to enjoy a peerless phalanx of the ancient.

Cheers.

And, in this ep, the dolce to my vita is played by male actor,

writer and comedian Matt Lucas.

I could outwit a raccoon, I reckon.

Together, we will clash like titans...

It's like coming out of the TARDIS into actual ancient Rome.

..chew like cardinals...

Do you like micro chips?

What do you think built this temple?

..and drive like dukes.

The thing that I've seen most in Rome

are my own whitening knuckles.

CARS HONK

We're here, but should we have come?

Yes. Is that the delay I'm going to be dealing with?

Yes. Oh...

Frugal forward planners could snatch 48 hours in Rome for �185,

but this cab trip has played a key part in already making that target

a massive impossibility.

Oh, you are a gentleman.

Thank you very much. Grazie mille.

He looked at that like that was half what he expected.

How are you with the heat? Not great. You?

I'm, you know, terrible obviously. Great.

We're in the right place then, aren't we? Of course we are.

Actually, come to think of it, why have we come to Rome?

I'll tell you why.

Founded by noted brother slayer Romulus in 753 BC,

Rome was the HQ of the Roman Empire until 476 AD.

If you like old shiz, you've hit the melon farming mother load.

Famous Romans include serial expansionist Julius Caesar,

screen siren Sophia Loren, and my personal maestro, Federico Fellini.

Many Roman inventions have enjoyed a near globular grip.

I'm talking concrete.

I'm talking the arch. I'm talking the aqueduct.

I'm talking sewers. I'm talking books.

And I'm talking the bedrock of any civilised society,

public toilets, y'all.

This eve, we will kick down at the G-Rough,

a ten-room boutique hotel hewn from a 16th-century town house.

Hello, guys, how are you doing? My name is Matteo

and welcome to G-Rough. So, do you mind if I look after your luggage?

Oh, please. Go for it. Yep. The scales are just to weigh my clothes.

Each room is an homage to an Italian designer with whom the hotel is on

figurative first name terms.

Why is he trying to smoke an egg?

The Rough reps the bare plaster walls,

which are offset by blingy bits

and furniture that probably isn't self-assembled.

Yeah. It'll be even better when it's finished.

This cripplingly chic combo is topped off with a roof terrace

that isn't even covered in fag butts.

What are you doing? I was looking at a vista.

Don't look... There's no time for vistas.

We've got a schedule! I know, but it's nice. Comfy! There's cushions.

You look like you're at some kind of backstage area of Latitude.

Come on. All right.

I've just seen Jo Whiley down there

with one of the Arctic Monkeys. Of course you have.

How am I going to get down...? Have you seen the step?

Before we can begin to fling ourselves into the fray,

we need to make a pressing purchase.

I'm worried about getting sunburn on my head. Yeah.

Luckily, Rome's oldest hat shop is here.

The cats at Antica Manifattura Cappelli

have been brutally pummelling high quality headgear for 80 years.

This is the classic fedora hat.

Wow, this is lovely.

This is a man who owns his own winery.

Cappelli's is crammed with a shiz-tonne of wooden formers,

meaning a dude can get his dome piece made-to-measure.

Would it be possible to change the ribbon, the band,

whatever you call it? Yeah. Thank you very much.

Are you matching it to the tie? Yeah. Nice.

Think I prefer the original ribbon. No, I don't. It's fine.

Like some kind of post-colonial Kojak reboot,

we saunter through Rome and commence pointing at POIs.

Where are we going? We're going on a Fiat tour.

Really? Well, in a Fiat. We're not just touring a variety of Fiats.

The original Fiat 500 is to Italy what the Mini is to Britain...

..an impractically small, nostalgic car.

Quite noisy, isn't it?

So, welcome to Roma.

Welcome onboard one of the Fiat 500 cars.

Guide Alvise walkie-talkies us through the antiquities,

while we focus on being facetious.

CARS HONK

There's very relaxed driving conditions in Rome.

With an even longer look at the Colosseum earmarked

for the part that calls itself two,

we trundle towards former chariot racing venue the Circus Maximus.

The stadium for the chariot races in Ben Hur to your right.

Oh, Ben Hur!

Lads, you need to back off the espressos.

And on the far side of the Circus,

we managed to record this terrific shot of the Palatine Hill.

Yes, and to the right... To the right, you can see the...

Caesar's Palace.

I've actually been to Caesar's Palace. I saw Elton John there

do The Million Dollar Piano

and I'm hoping to go back and see Celine Dion.

Oh, that'd be lovely. That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Then we rev on to the southernmost of Rome's septet of summits,

the Aventine Hill.

At its apex stands a priory belonging to the Knights of Malta,

which has sovereign status, like an embassy.

Yes! And welcome here.

This is the only keyhole in the world

in which you are allowed to peep through.

And through the keyhole, you will see three countries in a line.

Here in Italy, the island Malta,

and then we will have the Vatican.

It's very well-framed.

With midday refusing to relent,

the ambient temp is pretty flipping far from mild.

I've lost the use out of this eye

cos all the sun cream's gone in there.

I'm really weeping out of this

and it's not because I'm finding the conversation upsetting.

Oh, you really are, aren't you?

I'll give you a tissue.

It's fine. You don't need both eyes to drive, do you?

How do you think Nelson drove?

Thank you very much. I'll just stick that in there.

Yeah.

That's reassuring. Yeah, it's fine.

In another country, on the other side of the road.

On the other side of the road. Yeah.

Hashtag Rome bants.

Our subsequent stop-off serves as a literalised metaphor

of this show's obsession with time.

So, this is a tradition. When the Pope was a king here,

and he was annoyed with 900 churches,

900 bells ringing at different time at noon,

so he said, "Hold the phone.

"Wait for my signal and then you can ring the bells."

I would've loved it if he had said hold the phone in 1850.

The Pope's chosen signal was the soothing sound of cannon fire.

We've got the talking clock in England,

you can call up any time you want.

And they've been blasting away every day for the last century and a half.

One. I'm going in.

COUNTDOWN IN ITALIAN

That was loud.

That was loud.

But that pumped up pistol has provided a welcome

punctuation point to our period of touring.

Well, thank you for this tour.

It's been a pleasure.

I once saw a documentary on Rome

and it reminds me of that.

Well, it's good to bring that memory so vividly to life.

We now opt to cop a closer scope at perhaps

the most Catholic city within a city on earth.

I'm talking the Vat to the I to the Can.

.44 square kilometres.

Smallest internationally recognised state in the world, the Vatican.

Nine miles of museums.

Yeah. We've not got time for that,

so we're not going to even go in.

What? Look at the queue. It's ridiculous. We can't go in there.

Take it in and then move on.

I would say, if I had a dream...

Yes? ..it would be to stand...

..outside the Vatican holding hands

with one of my favourite comedians.

Just spontaneously, romantically holding...

Well, I don't think we can get Jim Davidson

out here at such short notice. Right.

Shall we? Yeah.

All right.

But to make sure we fully get our Pope on, we hit up a kiosk.

Hi. I don't know how to say this.

Do you have the Pope magazine?

Ah!

Oh, fabulous. OK.

Il Mio Papa. Yeah, Pope Francis.

He's actually one of my favourite popes.

Who's your top five? OK. So...

Pope Benedict... Yeah.

Pope John Paul... John Paul.

Pope John Paul II, Pope Francis...

Yeah? ..and I don't know any other popes.

Where're you going? Oh, do we just stand here? Yes, ideally. OK.

Look at this. It's the Pope whacking a kid. Not very nice, is it?

How often does this come out? Do you know? Every week.

Are you serious? Yeah.

That's him protecting himself against a female assailant.

Do you want this for your files? No. OK.

As the sun sinks beneath the Tiber,

we seek to explore the Italian soul via a colossal Cava.

You know this is a Michelin-starred joint? Is it? Wasted on me.

Is it? I have the eating age of a nine-year-old.

You mainly like plain crisps. And fizzy pop.

Chef Ricardo Di Giacinto's five-course menu

is a radical reimagining of the Italian classics

and business opens with an amuse-bouche

of my old enemy, savoury macaroons.

Would you ever cook like this at home? Yeah, frequently. No.

And the starters don't stop.

See this maritozz'oro bun

and liquidised carbonara for details.

No? Don't tell anyone, but it's very greasy.

As the courses continue,

we must now contend with the sheer scale of our tableware.

Richard, you know what they say, when in Rome...

Glad to get that in finally? Yep. Thank you. Took a while.

It takes so long to reach...

I was thinking... I was tipping it for about two hours.

I had to stop and take another breath. It's amazing.

I can't... I can't get it there!

Eating with elegance, we plough through pasta...

Bosh, lovely. What's next?

..on our way to the closer,

a Roman oxtail in the shape of one Gulliver's personal stash

of Ferrero Rochers.

If I was a food critic...

Yes. Which, in a sense, you are.

..I'd say it tastes nice.

Matt's dessert is a fruit and veg fusion of celery,

strawberries and almonds,

while I crunch down a quasi-conventional tiramisu.

I've wolfed that. I have no class.

I very much enjoyed it. Would you like to try some of this?

Of course I would.

This culinary crush ends with petit four...

My Lord and saviour, what on Earth is going on? Lads, lads, lads.

There's so much food here. I shall end up overweight.

..and a cup of Joe.

If I were to rate this on Time Out best eats...

..it's a hard five. Out of what?

Five. Oh, right.

How do you feel this went?

I think it was delicious.

Good. I need to be asleep.

I need this coffee,

so that I can get to the bed to fall asleep.

Now I'm awake, so I might need some of this.

HE LAUGHS

Still in the fist of our excess,

we stagger serenely towards our pre-day two doss down,

after which we'll lob coin... Dang.

..touch sticks...

That could've hurt.

..and walk next to a person.

Friends, you rejoin Matt Lucas and I,

the proprietor of this nasal lisp,

for the second segment of this ground-breaking

mini-break in relic-ridden Rome.

On day one, you may have already forgotten how we revved...

CAR HORN BEEPS

BOTH: All right!

..recoiled...

That was loud.

..and remained in character.

Bosh, lovely. What's next?

Day two starts crowd-beatingly early at one of Rome's most notable nooks.

Yes, you do recognise it from The Lizzie McGuire Movie,

it's the same fountain, the Trevi Fountain.

Oh, right. Who's Trevor?

It's named after Trevor McDonald.

Right.

Dispiritingly, we're so early that we hit the non-photogenic

fountain-cleaning slot,

but will it stop us from enacting an ancient coin toss?

Let's find out!

There's a very strict tradition,

you have to throw with your right hand over your left shoulder.

Legend has it that Roman legionaries would throw three coins this way.

Bang. I've wished for a Champions League place for Arsenal.

What does that mean exactly?

I don't know.

This ritual was supposed to ensure safe return to Rome...

Job's a good'un.

..from far flung parts of the Empire.

Save some for the wide shot. OK.

Ready?

Two, three, one...

No!

Four, three,

two-three, two,

one, but we'll do it on zero.

Three, two, one, zero.

At 255 years old,

the Trevi Fountain is the closest that Rome comes to a new-build...

..especially compared to this crate.

The Colosseum was built to provide free entertainment

and to reinforce the might of Rome,

the same reason why I built my side return.

Either she's going through a legal document or she's our tour guide.

Right. Hi!

Hello. Hello, nice to meet you.

I'm Laura.

Tempus fugit,

so let's jointly take note of the top-spec architecture,

pioneering use of concrete and multiple gates

allowing easy access to approx. 65,000 bods before we glide inside.

We are entering into the Colosseum from, actually, the loser gate.

The loser gate? Exactly.

Thank you. This was..

SHE GIGGLES

Despite being well old, this heap still stands up to scrutiny.

Beneath the floor, a network of lifts provided access

to the frankly sandy stage.

So we had, in the morning, hunting games,

bears with horses, with elephants, too.

So they were fighting bears?

Yes. Bears, deers...

In the morning? In the morning, until 12 o'clock.

There was a moment in which they stopped the games,

and they stopped to do a public execution here in the Colosseum.

OK. It's to show to the Romans how Rome works.

And then arrived the gladiators in the evening.

It's a bit grim, isn't it?

You're not pro the execution of hundreds of thousands of people?

I'm not. I'm actually not.

Well, you need to start making that clear on your Twitter feed.

On the plus side, entry was gratis and there was complementary nosebag.

They had free snacks.

Free snacks? Free snacks? Yeah. Wow.

We can call free snacks.

OK. They had toothpicks.

Toothpicks? Chicken wings.

Chicken wings... For free.

For fr... And wine.

What, and the emperor would lay that on?

Yeah. The Emperor provided all this.

It's the illusion of generosity, but, in reality, he was a BLEEP.

Exactly, you're right.

Hey, he provided chicken wings.

What have you ever done?

I've provided food for 30 or 40 at my house -

I did not make them fight to the death.

With that barefaced lie still ringing around the arena,

we bid Laura bye and her fors bust.

Uncle Richard? That's right.

Where are we going? I'll tell you where we're going,

we're going to overtake them,

then we're going to Tazza D'oro, cup of gold, for a granita di caffe.

Sugary espresso is frozen to a melting sorbet consistency

and topped off with whipped cream to create a caffeinated sundae.

Cheers. There we go.

That's what the Vikings would do.

And near the end of my outstretched digit

lies the set-up to the following part.

And that's very much in the pantheon of things

that you should look at when you're here. That's correct.

Ooh.

That's quite strong.

I don't normally have coffee, so I might be bouncing off the walls.

Are you pleased you're seeing the Pantheon from the outside?

Not bothered. You're not?

Unbelievable.

Don't steal my angle.

Come on.

Overwhelmed by the pulchritude,

we lope off to get physical.

That's too short.

Oh, I was going to say erotic.

OK.

Since 1999, this school has offered historically accurate lessons

in gladiatorial combat.

Hi. Hi, welcome. Welcome to gladiator school.

Today, you will be training you with my magister.

This guy? The head of the gladiators.

He's the spitting image of my accountant. Really?

And, at the end of the training, you will fight him

with one of these. Fight him? Yes.

Wow, that's heavy. OK.

He has no idea of the fury inside me that I'm going to unleash on him.

Perfect.

In this thrilling montage, we show our progress through a series of

warm-ups in which we display our agility...

Oh!

..and courage.

Did they have deodorant in ancient Rome?

No. Well, this would have stank.

Imagine, they did all of this pre-Lynx.

Yeah.

Gladiators used short swords and, equipped with wooden facsimiles,

we learnt the moves to repel strikes to the head...

Head!

..the neck... Neck!

..still the neck... Other side!

Are you Frank Butcher?

..legs... Leg!

..and the tum-tum.

Stomach!

Finally, in a newly-scored sub-arena of the arena,

the combat intensifies.

Off you go, Matt.

Head!

Uh, what was next? Legs.

Leg!

Stomach! Oh...

Head again!

Now, Richard, come on. Round two.

Yes, round two.

MATT LAUGHS

That's my signature.

Fantastic. You've been tangoed.

Only one thing can top this adrenaline rush.

And that's...dot, dot, dot...

And then, certificate, do we get...?

Yeah, sure, sure, you get a certificate, yes.

Great, they've dipped it in tea.

You will get a Latin name as well.

Your new name is Crixus.

He was the best friend of Spartacus.

Oh, lovely. OK.

Did he stand up for him, though?

Uh, he was crucified. Oh.

Now, Matt, your new name is Spartacus.

Ooh, Spartacus, yes! Hey!

He gets Spartacus and I get the crucified...Crixus?

He died first.

But Spartacus gets top billing.

I mean, there wasn't Crixus: The Movie.

Having sapped Rome for culture, history and cuisine,

it's time to swipe some swag.

So we head to the Via Margutta, home to the La Bottega del Marmoraro,

where two generations of the Fiorentini family

have carved marble tablets to order.

This place is marble-ous!

HE LAUGHS AND SPEAKS ITALIAN

Armed only with a humble translation app on a smartphone,

we effortlessly enter into life-affirming dialogue.

PHONE APP BEEPS Thank you for having us visit your shop.

Tell me, please...

..why do you carve marble?

PHONE APP SPEAKS ITALIAN

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

BOTH: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Nepotism is the answer.

PHONE: Because we did not want it because my dad did it,

because he continues to do it.

We soon reach our modest data limit and are forced to put nib to pad.

That's the date of birth. Mm.

And then I only need to... Mm-hmm, yes.

..just cos that will save my estate.

HE SPEAKS ITALIAN

Yeah? And me...

Careful, that's an original.

So, I want...

"Up...the...

Gunners." Cos I'm an Arsenal fan.

OK. One hour. One hour?

Yeah.

EXASPERATED SIGH That's a tight turnaround.

OK. Thank you.

Ciao. Ciao.

Once more, we must rely on a Bafta-baiting montage

in order to compress this eternity.

There we go. Hello once more. Ciao!

Right, what you got? Let's have a look at that. "Forza Gunners."

Oh. "Forza Gunners."

Well, that's wonderful, thank you very much.

I'll tell you what, I'm less happy because, look...

MATT LAUGHS

There's meant to be room here for the end date.

Not "Born 1977, died dot, dot, dot."

On the back? On the back, people have to walk round?

Yeah. Yes.

Where are you going to be buried? Somewhere small. Right.

There's your 30 euros.

I think you're very difficult.

That...that would have been better just with a full stop.

"He was born 1977, died." Yes.

Ciao. Ciao. Ciao.

I'm sorry about my friend. Ciao.

A landscape headstone, courtesy of the Italian David Crosby,

completes a coin drop of 831 GBP per per.

And, as a backdrop to our recap,

we select the cultural and political epicentre of ancient Rome,

the Forum.

Thoughts, reflections, assessments?

I enjoyed being in a Fiat with...

..someone who's an even worse driver than I am. How dare you.

I'm very pleased with the hat purchase.

I regret mine a little.

Why? I fear that if I was to wear this just out shopping... Yes?

..I might get one or two comments.

Like, "Nice hat.

"Where can I get one?"

You've had a nice time, haven't you? It's been a belter.

If I had to pick a favourite moment,

I'd say the moment that lasted two days

in which I spent time with you.

Aw. And I got to know you a bit more.

Stop it.

So, where are you going next?

Well, ideally, departures.

Right. Car's running. Lovely. Let's get in there.

Do you want to sit in the front? You get car sick.

I get travel sick. You do.

This whole thing's a disaster.

Next week, a 48-hour vroom round Valencia

with comedian Sara Pascoe. I'm absolutely hammered.

Subtitles by Ericsson