Original subtitles

He's dead.

How could something like this happen?

Keep your voice down.

An inside job.

Our own people? CIA?

Would have to be.

This was just a run-through.

What are we gonna do next Friday night?

Pillbox was the one they expected to make the exchange.

It's worse than that.

Whoever killed him got the map.

We have to get that map back.

If our courier isn't in exactly the right spot...

there'll be no exchange.

They'll just keep on going.

What'll we do?

They'll pass the map several times...

before they try to get it to D.C. for the exchange.

We'll have to intercept it.

We'll send in Pirandello.

You're not gonna let him loose.

Why not? He's the best we've got.

He's always one step ahead of everybody else.

He's uncontrollable. He's a wild man.

His methods are totally unpredictable!

I don't care. He'll get the job done.

You got to tell me what you want. Liverwurst?

Here you go, young man. It'll feed the whole family.

...be sure to cook it before you eat it.

...cheese, we got salami, we got turkey...

I'll buy you something if you take one fish.

Here you go.

You, ok? I didn't hurt you, did I?

There you go. Sit down, relax.

Let's talk.

Jesus Christ! You're Nick Pirandello!

You're the guy who went in and took out the Russians' V-47.

Hey, don't make a big thing out of it.

Oh, man, it's an honor to meet you.

All right, now, look, I saw you make the pass...

and I want to know where you're gonna pick up the map.

I think you understand I can't tell you that.

Frankly, no, I don't understand.

I want to be every bit the agent that you are.

That's it, swallow them.

What did I just swallow?

That's the 607 new painful-death kit.

It's an interrogation technique.

You see, the theory behind it is...

is that with that kind of painful death in front of you...

you'll do anything to get the antidote.

Carrot?

What kind of a painful death?

What difference does it make?

You're tough! You're not gonna talk!

You're not gonna let me die some horrible death, are you?

Sure I am!

We're both Americans!

Well, you got about another minute before you die.

Here. You might want to lay down.

It'll make it much easier on you.

Easier?

You're right! Probably not.

Forget what I said. So, anyway--

All right, all right!

I'm supposed to go to the Hideaway Hotel, room 505.

Ok.

Hey! What about the antidote?

What antidote?

The poison!

What poison? It was your button.

Russians!

Go this way. Surround him.

Keep your voice down.

You've done your country a great service.

Would you like me to do it again?

Maybe later.

Nick, did you get the map?

Yeah, I got the map.

I'm with them.

We've got the map, and you'll never get it back.

Henderson was with them.

Yeah. He didn't get the map.

What was that?

It was a message telling them to give up.

I know who their leaders are.

Who are their leaders?

I don't know.

Ok, Nick. Tell you what we do now.

Part of the agency has broken off. They want--

The big gun.

Yeah. And they've got--

Most of the agency, the boys in the street...

budget, personnel, support in the state.

There's more.

The Russians are onto it.

That's right, Nick!

Now, we can't let this happen. Here.

Look at this.

Looks like Pillbox.

How did you know it wasn't Pillbox?

There's a certain weakness in the eyes.

He's a look-alike. The computer pulled him.

Looks like a paper-pusher.

Yeah. In an insurance company.

Nick, they're expecting Pillbox...

and it's too late for us to switch him...

with someone else now.

We need somebody to escort him.

You've been in touch with him...

so you know how important this thing is.

His name's Bob Wilson.

We want you to get him to Washington...

by Friday for the 8:00 rendezvous.

-You want me to train him? -No.

You're pulling him out of his environment, Nick.

That can be a big strain on him.

Guys like this get pretty confused...

when they find out what's really going on.

Nick, watch out for him. Circle back for him.

Baby him along a little. Build up his confidence.

You want me to be sensitive to this guy's feelings?

And his life, yeah.

Promise me you'll try?

I'll try.

What kind of guy is he?

Average...

maybe a little less.

What is it?

Bob, those kids that hang around the MacGruders' garage...

they yelled terrible things at Heather...

when she came home from school.

You know what they said to me, Dad?

Bobby's new bike is missing.

They stole it, Dad.

You don't know that, son.

You can't go around making accusations you can't prove.

I think you should go down there and talk to them.

Yeah, Dad. Go down there and kick their butts.

We're civilized people, Bobby. We don't kick people's butts.

Pump up, pretty boy.

Hi, guys.

You haven't seen a two-wheel bicycle...

that belongs to my son Bobby, have you?

No. Your kid lost his bike, or what?

Yeah, it disappeared.

I thought it might be down here.

That pink one right over there looks a lot like his.

No. That's Oaf's bike.

-Oaf? -Yeah.

Looks a little small for Oaf, don't you think?

Well, Oaf likes a small bike.

But listen, your kid lost his bike?

Yeah.

Yeah, well, Oaf's got this new bike.

You need a bike, we got a bike we don't need.

You want me to ask Oaf if he'll sell you the bike?

Well, that's very nice of you...

but why don't I just check the serial number...

and make sure that's not Bobby's bike.

Yeah, well, I can't let you do that.

You see, the paint's not dry yet...

but I'll tell you what.

I can see you got a real hard-on about this bike.

Why don't you just give me $250...

and I'll get Oaf to give you the bike.

Ok, that's it! Hand over the bike!

Hey, what's that?

God!

Guy bashed right into me.

You bumped right into Oaf.

Let me give you a hand there.

That was good.

That thing with the cabinets, it was terrific.

Nick Pirandello, CIA.

And you're...

Bob Wilson, right?

You know, while I was looking around...

for something to work with--

I hope you don't mind me using...

some of your stuff--

anyway, I came across the letters...

you wrote your wife before you were married.

You're beautiful, Bob.

Some of the sentiments blew me away.

One question, though--

what was that thing that she did in Santa Barbara...

that you keep pleading with her to do again?

Bet it felt pretty good, huh, Bob?

What do you want?

The point is, Bob, I think we'd make a great team.

You don't mind me working while we talk, do you?

I'm under a little time pressure here.

I can see you're a sensitive guy.

You know what?

I've never even been to college.

And you never will--

unless you apply yourself.

They've got application forms.

You're gonna have to fill one out.

I'm aware of that.

Every line.

Ok. No big deal.

Is my presence here upsetting you, Bob?

Hell, no!

You sure?

You kidding? Welcome. Nice to see you.

Yeah? Maybe if I let you hold the gun...

you'd feel more comfortable.

I don't know. Maybe.

Well, why don't you try?

Really?

Yeah.

Thank you.

There you go. You're welcome.

You don't have to test it, Bob.

-The gun is empty. -Really?

This one's loaded.

You want to be very careful with this one, Bob.

Ok.

-You feel better? -Oh, much.

Go over to the window.

See that man in a suit...

with a submachine gun up in your tree, Bob?

You ever see a man like that in your neighborhood before?

No, I don't think so. What about him?

Well, he shouldn't be in that tree between us and the light.

He should be in one of those trees down the street.

You want me to go out and tell him to move?

You've got a good sense of humor, Bob.

I like that in a man.

What do you like in a woman?

Big tits.

And they say you're not sensitive.

It's only a few people, Bob.

Now, our problem is we got to get to Washington...

by 8:00 on Friday.

We got plenty of time. It's only Monday.

Maybe we could leave tomorrow.

Oh, no, we're gonna take the long scenic route, Bob.

That's nice. Why are we going?

Well, I'll tell you...

you're gonna have to trust me on that part...

but when you find out what it is...

you're gonna be so thrilled to be a part of it.

But there are some people who don't agree...

with what we're doing.

Like the man in the tree.

You catch on quick.

They're not gonna be a problem, though.

We're going to go out there...

deal with them...

and get to Washington on time.

I can't, Mr...

Nick.

I wish you'd caught me earlier on this one, Nick.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to pass. I can't go.

Why not?

I got a lot of work at the office.

My boss won't let me.

Well, it's important.

I'll explain it to your boss when we get back.

All right, I'm not going to give you a weapon...

your first time out...

but I never want you to say I've been too tough on you.

I'd never do that.

Probably not, but you're new to this...

and it's your first time...

so I just want you to watch...

enjoy yourself...

and if you feel like helping, jump in.

You're going to make a few mistakes...

but don't you... worry about it.

Ok, partner.

Let's go out there and take 'em out.

They're going to shoot us, aren't they?

Probably, Bob.

It's what they brought the guns for.

Let's go!

Don't worry about your family, Bob.

I put them with the neighbors.

They're destroying my ducks!

He missed you.

I'm not with him!

I'm not with--

I'm not with him!

You son of a bitch!

You draw fire, and you saved my ass!

I'm buying a tombstone, Bob...

and you're pulling a stunt like that.

You saved my life, Bob.

That's something I'm never going to forget.

They thought I was with you.

Bob, you are with me.

Now, Bob, it'd be easy for me to lie to you and tell you...

that we're not on a dangerous mission here.

You sound terrible.

Where did he hit you?

It looks like the Adam's apple.

God, I hope he didn't knock it loose.

If it's floating around in there...

it could fold over at any time...

and choke you to death.

It's a terrible way to go, Bob.

Did it feel like he hit you pretty hard?

Pretty hard.

Let me see.

I don't know. I'm no doctor, Bob...

but it sounds loose to me.

Put your fingers over it like this...

for the next couple days.

Don't talk, and don't breathe any more than you have to...

and you'll be fine.

Now, come on. Be careful.

There could be more of them out there.

Come on, Bob.

Some fun.

You're enjoying yourself.

I can tell.

Come on!

Duck!

Get up!

You're gonna be very good, Bob.

What are we doing in Mr. Goodman's house?

I left the special map...

that's vital to the mission in here.

Oh, what's so vital about it?

It shows us exactly where we want to be Friday at 8:00.

Oh, well, that's vital, all right.

It sure is.

Hey, while we're here, let's chow down.

Who knows when we're going to get another chance?

What if those guys come back?

Oh, Bob, we're as safe here as anywhere.

How safe is that?

Oh, not very.

Oh, my God.

It's only 1/3 full.

What's wrong?

It's got to be at least 3 days old, Bob.

So?

Well, when I went over to your house...

in your refrigerator...

I had some of the freshest cottage cheese...

I ever tasted...

and all your milk containers were full.

So what?

Jesus, Bob, don't you see?

The milkman is making extra stops at your house.

Your wife is home...

alone...all day... by herself.

Bob, come on. I know what you're thinking.

I know how you're feeling.

I know what's going through your mind, Bob.

He's got her in all different kinds of positions.

She's telling him about your sexual inadequacies.

They're laughing their heads off about it.

He's chasing your wife through your house...

with your shorts on his head.

I know, Bob. I've been through that.

Your wife did that to you?

No. I'm not married.

I went through it on the other side...

but it's the same thing, right?

Can I let you up?

Come on, buddy.

Come on.

You feel better?

You get that out of your system now?

Come on.

Come on, Bob.

Hi. I'm Bob Wilson. I live at 3--

You were supposed to hold the fence for me.

You did a good job of distracting him...

but you don't want to use the same trick every time.

What am I talking about?

You're doing fine! Forget what I said!

Did I tell you you're doing a great job today?

This is going to be a tough one.

Heather. Heather, this is Dad.

I'm all right. Listen very carefully.

I'm in Las Vegas at a place called Lucky Lady--

Mom! It's Dad!

He's calling from the mental hospital!

What mental hospital?

Dad, they caught all the terrorists...

that attacked our street.

What terrorists?

Hi, honey.

I can barely hear you because of the workmen.

Is the hospital nice?

I'm not in a hospital.

Sweetheart, there is no shame in having a medical problem...

especially after what you've been through.

Barbara, listen.

I was kidnaped by this crazy lunatic...

who claims he's a CIA--

Hello, Mrs. Wilson. This is Dr. Stillwell.

Bob shouldn't be talking to anybody yet.

It would have been better...

if he hadn't made this call at all.

But I want to assure you that he's fine...

and he'll be coming home soon.

I hope I haven't messed anything up.

Me, too.

Come on.

Look, you're gonna feel a lot better about it...

once we get moving again...

and you get a little wind in your face.

Hey, we switched cars for a diversion.

I stepped us up. I stole a Torino.

Oh, that's great.

I thought you'd be pleased.

That was beautiful, Bob. Caught me totally unaware.

You're going to make a very good agent, you know that?

Ok, now. We got to get going...

so why don't you get in the other car?

I'm not going anywhere.

Ok.

Bob, sure you don't want to come out?

You can get awfully hot just sitting in a car like that.

I'm not coming out!

Ok.

Look, you're upset.

Don't try to hide it.

Hey, look. You're not crazy about the mission.

You didn't like it from the start.

It's totally understandable.

You're going to feel a lot better about it...

once we get to Washington.

You know what?

I'm gonna introduce you to the President.

Now, isn't that going to be exciting?

Don't treat me like a child!

Fine.

I'm coming out!

All right. I'm willing to listen.

That's great, Bob.

Ok. What is it?

We have been negotiating with men in UFOs for 7 years.

If we don't get to Washington by Friday...

the whole deal will be off.

Drive me home.

Bob, you said you were willing to listen.

Negotiating with UFOs?

Yes. Spacemen.

Men from outer space. Alien beings. UFOs.

We've been negotiating with men from outer space for 7 years.

That's right. Come on, now, you've heard about it.

There are no UFOs!

Bob, that's what they tell the general public.

You're right. How are you supposed to know?

I mean, they've been lying to you for so many years...

you don't know what to believe.

What are you talking about?

What is that?

Read the inscription.

Go ahead.

"To Nick from his friends far away."

They gave it to me. The UFOs.

This is your proof.

Read it and weep. Come on.

"From his friends far away."

Yes.

Take me home.

You're one hell of a skeptic, aren't you, Bob? All right.

-You want proof? -I want proof.

I'll give you proof.

Can we go now?

What is that? The inner workings of your mind?

You saw it.

I hammered it through the baseball...

and the outer space pen still writes.

I saw that in a commercial on television.

They sell pens over the phone that can do that.

All right. All right.

There's one thing that the pen does do.

You willing to watch?

Now watch. Pay attention.

Can the pen on TV do that, Bob?

It's a homing pen.

It goes right back to their galaxy.

They probably think I'm in trouble or something.

I hope they don't think I didn't like the pen.

You can't get it back?

Oh, no, that's it. Only one I had.

Boy, you hate to lose a memento like that.

Real collector's item, a pen like that, Bob.

And you just threw it into outer space.

Bob, you were demanding proof!

I had to give you proof.

I hear something!

Back inside.

I hear something!

Come on.

Oh, God!

Who's shooting at us?

The Russians.

The Russians? What do they want?

The map.

They'd kill just to get a chance to talk to the UFOs.

So I noticed.

Oh, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Definitely going to be a tough one.

Hey, Bob, you got any special skills?

Is there anything you're good at?

You know, anything you won an award for?

I was an alternate on the debating team in high school.

You want to go out there and argue with them, Bob?

We're definitely going to have a transportation problem.

They're sending in Dolowsky, their top negotiator.

Dolly, good to see you again.

You're looking as lovely as always, Dolly.

Your macho charm...

is not going to get you out of this one, Nicky.

I don't know about that, Dolly.

Your own people are not going to let you get to Washington.

Give us the map. We'll protect you.

Where? In some gulag in Siberia?

You're up against us and your own people.

It's suicide. You're a pro.

You knew the risks.

But why did you have to take this poor slovnitskii with you?

Bob, she's just trying to divide us.

What's a slovnitskii?

A piss ant little nothing. Don't take it personally.

All right, Bob here can take care of himself.

If there's gonna be any rough stuff...

you can bet he's gonna be the first to go.

Listen, Nicky. We trust you.

If you give us the map and your word you'll keep quiet...

we'll forget about the whole thing.

What about Bob?

Yeah, what about Bob?

We don't know him.

We'd have to have guarantees he wouldn't talk.

I wouldn't talk.

What kind of guarantees?

We'd want him dead.

Nick, Nick...

we can't live with a deal like that.

I might be able to, Bob.

I couldn't.

Bob, let's at least listen to her, ok?

Just listen.

Let me handle it. Come on.

All right, if I were to sell out, Dolly...

what kind of compensation could I expect?

$1 million in cash.

$1 million for Nick! No.

That's insulting.

Bob, it's not so insulting.

Look, it's a negotiation technique.

They're going to start low. Let me handle it, all right?

Dolly, I'm going to consider your offer...

but quite frankly, I consider it a bit on the low side.

Let's see this thing through, Nick.

Nothing matters but our getting to Washington--

I think it's important-- to save the work.

Don't get hysterical.

What kind of position could I expect in the KGB?

Colonel.

Colonel!

-No, that's a dealbreaker. -Bob, it's fine.

We can never accept a deal like that.

-Bob, don't get--calm down. -The deal is over! Forget it!

Take a walkski!

And Nicky, there would be other...compensations...

if you came over to us.

Wait here, Bob.

Dolly, could I speak to you privately...

in the back room?

Just for a couple minutes...

Nick.

Nick.

Oh, Nick, one last thing.

All of us at KGB are dumping our Tenerex stock.

Oh, no, Dolly, they're getting...

that defense department contract.

It was a good tip.

I got it from our boys off the cabinet tap.

We have a White House tap.

They're not going to get the contract.

Sorry, Nick.

We got to get out of here.

What do you think they're trying to do?

They're trying to murder me.

They know I can't afford a loss like that.

I didn't know you smoked.

Just after sex, Bob.

I'm trying to give it up.

At least you don't smoke that much.

About a pack a day.

That'll kill you.

Bob, it won't kill you. But it'll make you very sore.

I'm going to check the back.

You want the good news first or the bad news?

Give me the bad news.

There's no way out of here alive.

What's the good news?

It doesn't look like we're gonna be here for long.

All right. We got one chance.

Stay close and do exactly what I do.

Bang!

Oh!

Bang!

I think the men in the UFO are helping us.

Good. We need all the help we can get.

Bang!

Let's go!

Get down!

You got a quarter?

I said, you got a quarter?

No!

Wait here!

I'll cover you!

Slut!

Nick! I got one!

Keep me covered!

Here. Right here.

You call that cover?

-I've only got two hands! -Give me the quarter.

Hello, Mike?

Sell Tenerex as quick as you can.

Thanks.

Oh, I can relax. I'm out.

What is it?

Lunch.

They just break for lunch?

Yeah. They're not as dedicated as we are, Bob.

They have no incentives, no motivation.

Can we just walk away?

Yeah.

Come on. Come on.

Here.

Nick?

-Nick! -Come on.

What do these spacemen want from us?

What are we negotiating for?

You mean, is it a good deal?

Is that what you want to know?

Yeah, I want to know.

Are you trying to second guess the negotiating team, Bob?

-Is that it? -I just want to know if...

it's worth the trouble I'm going through.

I don't want to waste my time...

if all we're gonna get out of it...

is a few pictures of space or something.

Ok, ok, I'll tell you. Here, write this down.

You got something to write with?

I used to have a pretty good pen, Bob.

I think I've got something.

Ok. What is it?

All right. All the flowers...

all the trees, all the little birdies.

Oh, and all the children.

All right, so what is this all about?

Well, it seems like the guys in chemical warfare...

dumped this stuff in the ocean by mistake.

Now, this stuff kills a special algae...

and that kills this bacteria...

and it goes right up the food chain.

Well, make a long story short, Bob...

all life on Earth is going to be dead in 5 years.

All life on Earth will be dead in 5 years?

Unless we do something about it.

Ok, what if we do do something about it?

Well, then everything will be fine.

We just don't know what to do.

So that's where the UFOs come in, Bob.

You see, they're gonna give us...

this good package which includes the formula...

that'll reverse the whole thing.

Skip over to the other side and write this down.

What's this?

This is what they want. Just write it down.

A glass of water.

-That's it? -Yep.

Do they want anything with the water?

Like what?

A cracker or something?

No, Bob, just the water.

What's this?

It's a vital map to show us...

where we're going to pick them up.

We'd better not lose this.

I'd say, Bob.

The whole world would be doomed.

Wouldn't you think?

It's time to get that safe car, Bob.

Where do we get one of those?

Well, there's always one place...

that you know you're always going to be safe.

Where's that?

Right here.

Nicky!

Mom! How are you?

Oh, Nicky! Oh, come on in.

Who's mom?

She's my mother.

Dad is home from the hospital.

That's great. How does he look?

He looks just great.

Ma, that's wonderful.

Aunt Grace is here, too.

That's wonderful, too, Mom.

Well, this is Bob.

We're working together.

Oh, it's very nice to know you--

I'm fine. Bob.

Bob. Yes. Oh, I've got coffee and sandwiches in the kitchen...

so Nicky, why don't you come and, uh--

Ok, I'll help you.

Bob, you stay right there.

We'll be right back.

Hello.

Uh, my name's Bob.

I probably shouldn't even be here.

I...I mean...I don't even...

Oh, excuse me. Excuse me.

Sorry about--

Wait, I don't think you've got the right guy.

Oh, my God!

Here we go.

Here we are.

Dad.

How are you, Dad?

God! You look great!

Will you look at the tits on this guy!

Look at them.

Dad, I'm real proud of you.

Oh, did you meet my new partner Bob?

Bob, this is my father.

We've already introduced ourselves.

Glad to meet you, Dad.

Dad just had a face-lift.

Doesn't he look great?

Let me tell you about my dad.

We're real proud of him.

You know, a lot of guys...

when they come to that mid-life crisis...

they feel like they've missed something.

They flip out.

They don't know what to do.

But not Dad.

He knew what to do.

He hopped right on a plane, flew to Sweden...

and had the operation that is allowing him...

to experience a side of life that he missed.

Now, a lot of people in the family...

didn't understand what Dad was doing.

Mom, at first you were pretty confused, weren't you?

Oh, well, sure.

-Admit it. -Well...

We finally realized that Dad was right.

He had done what was right for him.

And hell, it's opened up a whole new life for him.

Now, I'll bet you my dad looks better now, today...

than any of the other guys he fought with at lwo Jima.

I enjoyed meeting you, Bob.

Thank you, Dad.

Ok. Oh, one thing. Mom, uh...

I'm in a bit of a jam. I need a safe car.

Can I borrow yours?

Of course, Nicky.

Call me.

Thanks, Mom.

You're welcome. Drive safely.

Ok.

Excuse me.

Bye.

This is what you call a safe car?

You'll feel better when we get some seat belts, Bob.

I'll feel better when we get some seats.

Why are people in the CIA trying to stop us...

from saving the world?

Well, they want the big gun.

You see, the UFOs have weapons, too.

They have a big gun that can blow a whole planet away.

And there's a faction in the agency...

that is willing to trade for it.

If it can blow a whole planet away...

who are they going to use it on?

What do you think, Bob?

The Russians.

Wait a minute!

If it can blow away a planet, that would kill us, too.

What about the end of the world?

That's not their problem, Bob.

Their job is protecting the United States.

Getting the gun is their job.

But doesn't anyone think enough to take in the big picture?

I don't know, Bob. That's not my department.

You're sure you don't want anything?

The package with the 3 different-colored...

luncheon meats looked good.

-No, thank you. -Here, hold that.

Happy pie? You want one?

You sure?

It's got a guaranteed shelf life of 3 years.

Still got one more to go.

I don't feel like a happy pie, ok?

You don't look like a happy pie.

These things are beautifully packaged, you know that?

Think about it, Bob.

All life on Earth could be dead...

and these pies will still be fresh.

Technologically, we're something.

Do you have a bathroom?

This is for my friend.

They know all about the negotiations.

Look at this. They printed the whole thing!

It's a free country, Bob. They can do that.

Hey, all these articles...

are straight out of the CIA files.

What are we going in here for?

I got to take a leak.

Again?

Yeah, again.

Do you mind?

-Nick. -What?

You know, I've been thinking.

Doesn't the government have special guys...

to take care of this stuff?

Yeah, we are those special guys, Bob.

Nick, I don't think I'm right for this mission.

Sure you are.

I want to get off.

Gee, you know, Bob...

if you left the mission, I'd have to shoot you.

I saved your life, Nick.

You said you'd never forget that.

And Bob, I never will.

It was right in front of your house.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

That idiot lets me run off with the vital map.

Ok. Let's get a move--

Oh, no.

Moved the car.

You moved the car?

It was out in the open--

And what about me?

Did you give any consideration to how I would feel...

when I came back from taking my leak...

and found the car was gone?

I guess not.

I guess not! You son of a bitch!

I've been running up that road for a mile!

You stupid imbecile!

You endangered the whole mission.

I've got the map. Did you know that?

I just thought that--

The one time I depend on you, and you're not there.

Do you know how important this mission is?

I think so.

Why don't you act like it!

You are totally insensitive to anybody else's feelings.

Get in the car.

-Look, just-- -Get in that car!

I don't suppose you'd accept my apology.

Well, I want you to know that...l'm sorry.

And nothing like this will ever happen again.

Oh, right.

I thought, you know--

I thought you didn't want to go on this mission.

I didn't understand how you felt.

I underestimated you.

Ok, we're going to forget about it.

Hey, look, I got to apologize.

I wasn't taking a leak.

I tried to run off.

I know, Bob.

I was watching you.

You were watching me?

Yeah.

You didn't say anything.

You came back, Bob.

A lot of guys would have kept on running.

What's this?

Oh, we got to get the glass to put the water in.

It's a publicity thing, you know.

They put a presidential seal on the glass.

That way, when they travel through the universe...

we get a little publicity.

You're kidding.

What idiots think up something like that?

I don't know, Bob.

I think there's a special department of idiots...

in the White House that do that.

This should be it here.

Yeah!

Here is the special glass for the water.

This is where they keep it?

Yeah. This way, it doesn't attract any attention.

What if it broke?

Bob, whatever you do, there are going to be risks.

Who are those clowns?

Holy shit! Clown attack!

Clown attack?

Yeah, it's a clown unit.

They're putting some of the CIA's best agents...

in clown suits so they won't be recognized.

So they won't be recognized?

Yeah, they've gone bad.

Bad clowns?

Oh, boy.

What?

Oh, that's Pinks.

-Go! -What?

Jesus, that's Hartman. Hartman!

You know, next to me...

he's the best agent in the world.

-Oh, Jesus. -What?

The way they're doing this is beautiful.

I wish I could watch it from the sidelines.

So do I.

Ok, Bob, you ready?

Bob, why are you crying?

Bob, it's a challenge.

Of course, it is a challenge.

We can do it.

I'll take out 3, and you take out the 2 on the right.

You have to take out the two on the right, Bob.

Bob, please stop crying.

It's eating away at my confidence, Bob.

Come on!

I guess I can tell you now.

Tell me what?

I didn't just pick you out of a crowd like I said.

You're Russia's number one agent in the United States.

What are you talking about?

Bob, they hypnotized you, just like in the movies.

They give you a code word, and you activate.

Activate, boom!

You're out of the house, blowing up a nuclear plant.

You're very good, Bob.

With your training, you could take me out anytime.

I'm not a Russian agent.

-Sure you are. -No, I'm not.

Bob, look deep inside yourself.

Deep inside yourself. Look at me!

I'm an American agent.

How do you feel about me?

I want to kill you.

See?

I just thought you'd like to know before you die.

Let's take 'em!

No hitting in the nuts, all right?

Come on.

I don't believe it.

I'm working with a bunch of clowns.

Geez.

Holy shit! You got them all.

I just saw the first part.

You came charging down the alley.

And Pinks hit you, and you went wild.

And then you took out Hartman and Bindle...

before I could even get out here.

And then I was trying to help you...

but I ran into the dumpster and knocked myself out.

What happened after that, Bob?

I must have taken them all out...

and been programmed to rest.

You know, like in the movies-- save my energy?

I saw this movie once...

where this guy was hypnot--

What are you talking about, Bob?

You're not a Russian agent.

I just said that to build your self-confidence.

I'm not a Russian agent?

Of course not. How can you believe that?

That's ridiculous.

And I took out all these guys?

Well, yeah. That part's true.

I took 'em all out?

Boy, I'm pretty amazing.

Would my kids be proud of me...

if they knew their dad took apart a CIA all-star team.

They never learn.

You decked Hartman!

Of course. You were right.

All I needed was a little self-confidence.

Apparently.

You're one hell of a guy, Bob.

Sorry.

What are we doing here?

Getting us laid.

You thought I forgot about that.

What about getting to D.C. Friday night?

Bob, it's only Thursday.

If we get there early, we're just gonna have...

to sit around and wait, anyway.

All right, fellows, get out of here!

Take the fight outside. You're outta here!

I still think we should be getting to Washington...

and saving the world.

Bob, you need to take time to learn and grow...

and develop a decent relationship.

Will you look at the tits on this one?

Well, you're definitely becoming more sensitive.

I know, I can feel it.

Bob, you've been very good for me.

You've changed me...

and I want to thank you for that.

Look at that.

You know what I see, Bob?

What?

The possibility of a great and long-term relationship.

Be right back.

Let me help you here.

Thank you.

Yeah! Wow!

You just attracted the best-looking guy in the place.

That was my seat.

You wanna do something about it?

If I have to.

We thought you'd left.

Is your friend coming back?

He might.

Can we buy you a drink?

Don't you think if I wanted you to buy me a drink...

I would have told you to buy me a drink?

Right.

Get lost.

Right.

You, too.

Double bourbon, straight to the rim.

Now!

Yes, sir.

Smooth.

You're probably saying to yourself, "Why me?"

Why me?

Why you?

Because I like you, that's why.

And I'll be honest with you.

I'm gonna spend the night with you...

and I'll be gone in the morning.

Can you handle it?

I'll try.

I knew you could.

Do you have a car?

I'll follow you.

Move. Come on. Go.

Bob!

Wish me luck, Bob.

-Wait! -What?

It's another attack.

They're not CIA agents, Bob. Don't worry.

Who are they?

They look like burglars to me.

I'll be back as soon as I can.

This is going to be a tough one, isn't it?

On your knees, slave!

Ok. You're one of those feminists, aren't you?

Silence!

All right, now look. If you get rough with me...

I can get rough right back.

You missed me.

Go for it.

That was good.

I was very impressed.

That was very good what?

That was good, Mistress?

That was good, Mistress.

God. That was great.

You're one of those girls...

that are a lot different at the office...

than you are at home, aren't you?

It hurts! It hurts!

I haven't hit you yet.

Sorry, Mistress.

When do I get my turn?

This is your turn.

Don't you think maybe we could have...

a little dinner first, or something?

You know, candlelight, wine--

God!

Admit your pain. Admit your weakness.

No.

No. No.

Yes! Yes!

Mama!

So she rejected me.

I put myself out on the line again...

and I was hurt.

I said, "Ok, I'm 1 2 and you're 34.

"You're married to my uncle.

"But I think we could have something special."

She said she didn't think so.

You know how that hurts?

You're not seeing anybody on a regular basis, are you?

You got 'em, boys?

Yes, sir, Mr. Wilson.

Thanks again, Bob.

Don't make a big thing out of it.

What a guy. Acts like it was nothing.

What do you think about what he told us...

about the clown thing?

Incredible.

What was that?

Nothing. Ready to go?

I guess so.

I don't know what's happening.

I...this woman has become very important to me, Bob.

I left my phone number.

Do you think she'll call?

How should I know?

I don't know.

To think that I won't see her for days.

She's sure to meet other men.

I think I love her, Bob.

You think you love her?

So, if I don't pay attention to my feelings, who will?

So I think I should get off the mission.

Ok, that's it.

Get out!

What?

You want off the mission?

Ok, you little wimp, get off!

-You're out! -Hey, Bob....

I am getting a little sick and tired...

of your pissing and moaning.

I came to do a job, and I'm gonna do it.

You think this mission is easy for me?

You think I don't want to go home, too?

But do you hear me complaining all the time?

No. We've got an important job to do...

and I'm gonna do it.

-Listen, l-- -To think I respected you--once.

-Look-- -I even wanted to be like you.

Just remember who saved your ass back there...

when those clowns were all over you.

Yeah, well, I'll have you know--

What?

I'm gr--grateful...

very grateful for that, Bob.

Well, I just want you to know that...

I'll be using that same kind of ability to back you up...

at every stage of this mission.

Are you gonna behave?

Yes.

Ok. Close the door.

Listen, I got you one of your pies that you--

"I love her. Forgive me. I can't do it.

"I want to live before I die. Nick."

Figures.

Piss ant little nothing.

Donald! The kids are ready.

Stupid son of a bitch walking around dressed like that...

just asking to be shot.

Shit.

Shit.

Nick!

What are you doing here?

I was worried about you.

You're something, Bob--

coming in here outgunned, outnumbered...

going up against guys who are more experienced than you.

You're a hell of a guy, Bob.

I'm a hell of a guy? What about you?

Don't make a big thing out of it.

It is a big thing to care about someone...

not to sell 'em out or give up on 'em...

to stick by them even when they're a pain in the ass.

That's...I think that's plenty big.

I ran off on you.

You came back.

Ok, make a big thing out of it.

I wouldn't be out of line...

if I asked you if you needed a little help, would I?

Hell, no, I could use your help.

Yeah? Well, there is one thing, Bob.

You never wanna carry your weapon like this.

You always wanna put it on the other side...

with the butt out...

so if they shoot off your right arm...

you can always grab it with your left.

Oh, yeah, that is a big help.

Shall we go in there and take care of the situation?

Hey, anything you say, partner.

One thing, though.

I think it would be a good idea...

if you had a loaded weapon.

That'd be nice.

In case they shoot at you.

You ok?

Come on.

Let's go.

It's Mahoney!

He's gonna help us.

I'm with you, Nick!

I don't think so.

Did I tell you you're doing a great job today?

No.

You are.

Thank you.

The water's got to be here.

Glass?

What kind of water is that?

Don't worry, Bob. It's a good bottled kind.

All right. We go this way.

Don't try it. Throw the guns away.

Go on, throw them away.

Come on.

We want the big gun, Nick.

Millard, you were behind it the whole time, weren't you?

That's right, Nick.

All right, Wilson...

walk out there and ask 'em for the big gun.

Like hell, I will.

I'm shooting Nick unless you do what I tell you.

Go ahead and shoot him.

What are you talking about?

He's kidding.

I'm going to shoot him.

Go ahead, he's tough, he can take it.

Bob, I've changed--a lot.

You think I'm bluffing?

I don't care.

See?

Sorry, Nick, this is bigger than both of us.

Kill him.

It's still not gonna get you the gun.

Bob, what are you talking about?

This is a professional agent here.

He's serious.

He'd be glad to go out there and get you the big gun.

No, I wouldn't.

Bob, don't be the hero.

It's ok, Nick, I'll take care of this.

Yeah? Like how?

Time's up.

Bang!

That's incredible.

How do you do something like that?

Don't make a big thing out of it.

All right, Bob.

They're here.

Go make your rendezvous.

You're just like us.

Yes. We're all alike in this universe.

Have you decided?

Do you want the good package or the big gun?

We want the good package.

You are a wise people.

We got the baseball you sent us.

We are learning to play.

It is a wonderful game. Thank Nick.

A gift for you.

And here is Nick's back.

Thank you.

Thank you.

It's a thrill, isn't it, Bob?

You never forget the first time you save the world.

Tremendous thrill.

Dad's home!

Dad's home! Hi, Dad!

Hey, guys. I missed you.

How was the hospital?

Everything's fine now, son.

They fixed up the house great, huh, Dad?

Well, they owed us that, didn't they, sweetie?

It's good to have you home, Bob.

It's good to be home.

Hey, you kids wait here. Barbara, come here.

They did a good job.

Come here.

Listen.

I've been thinking.

Haven't we been getting a little too much milk lately?

I didn't want to tell you this before.

I know how you hate conflict, but--

I can't get the milkman to stop delivering.

He comes around every day...

and he's been bothering me...

making a lot of suggestive remarks.

I've tried to discourage him, but--

Don't give it another thought.

I'll take care of it.

You're not going to do anything violent?

That shouldn't be necessary.

Sometimes all it takes is a word or just a look.

I'll take care of it.

Wait here.

You decided to pay up?

No, I decided to get my boy's bike back.

Listen, dipstick, didn't you get enough of this last week?

I guess not.

Come on, Dad.

Yeah, Dad. Let's just go.

It's too late, scumwad.

Look, we don't want any trouble.

Nail him.

All right, we're gonna give you your kid's bike back.

Of course you are.

You're gonna have to pay to have it repainted.

Remember this?

Dad, I'm really proud of you.

I hope it's not because of what I did back there.

No, it's because you stood up for us.

Good girl.

Hey, your father's quite a guy.

Hey, Nick.

You don't think I overresponded, do you?

No, not at all. You were flawless, Bob.

It called for a little force...

you used a little force--

the appropriate amount...

and it was very controlled.

Thank you.

You're doing a good job, Bob.

Well, I gotta go.

I got a date.

I mean, I'm putting in time...

to develop a meaningful relationship.

So long, kids.

Adios!

Dad, that guy is flying away in a helicopter.

Don't make a big thing out of it, son.

Hey, Bob! Bob!

Your house looks great from here.

They did a great job!

Try to be more sensitive.