Original subtitles

-[Khlo� giggling] -[Lamar] You don't wanna play?

[Khlo�] No.

Okay, hold on.

We can play, um...

I've got something to show you.

-[laughing] -[Lamar laughs]

But this could be, like, if you don't do good in school,

you get, like, a little spanking.

-[chuckling] -[Lamar] So if you don't do your reports,

if you don't get the answers right...

I'm scared to use it.

That's not how... You're scared?

-Oh, yeah. -Don't be a little bitch.

Tonight's the night of Lamar's first game...

[in high-pitched voice] Ow!

-[Lamar] Hurts a little bit? -No. [laughs]

-[Lamar] You liked it? -Man up!

[Lamar chuckling]

But at least we have a few hours to cuddle before his game tonight.

-Ow! -[Lamar] Yeah.

-[laughing] That one stings. -Yeah.

-[whip cracks] -[Lamar chuckles]

Tonight, Lamar is gonna receive his championship ring,

and I'm so excited that my entire family gets to see him receive it.

-[buzzer sounding] -[crowd cheering]

[both whooping]

[Khlo� whooping loudly]

[Kim] Go, Lamar! Whoo!

[whoops] Lamar!

Tonight is a home game, so I get to go to this game,

but unfortunately, not all of them are going to be home games.

He has 82 games a year. 41 here, 41 away.

[crowd clapping]

Khlo� and Lamar are gonna start spending a lot of time apart.

His schedule's gonna get a little crazy and he's gonna be on the road more

and this is gonna be the first time that they've really been apart.

It's gonna be so weird.

Since the day we met, we've literally been inseparable,

and now, I'm gonna have to go without him for, like, weeks on end sometimes.

[Khlo�] That's my man, bitch. Whoo-hoo!

[laughing]

-I'm just playing with you. -Please, let go.

[laughing] Please, stop. You're hurting me.

[Kim] So, like, how do you feel that...

Like, Lamar, you're gonna be on the road working?

[Lamar] I don't know. I mean, it has to happen. It's work.

[Kim] Yeah, work is work.

Right?

[Khlo�] You're not gonna miss me so much?

I am, but I'm used to being on the road.

You gotta get used to it, I guess.

[Kim] I know what she feels.

This is the life that I've lived

being in a relationship with Reggie for so many years.

You have to do whatever it takes

to keep the spice,

and to just make sure that you guys spend as much time together as possible.

[Lamar] Hey, you know, I'm a beau. They call me a beau.

-A beau? -[Lamar] In these magazines, yeah.

Are you Khlo�'s beau?

B-E-A-U?

He said he's never been called a "beau" before

and he loves the word "beau."

I'm gonna start to wear bow ties all the time.

I'm a sex symbol now.

[Khlo� and Lamar laugh]

-[Scott] Heya, bug. -[Kourtney] Hey, doll.

[Scott] I had a long day.

-You did? -But I am ready for you tonight.

You know that?

Ah.

Scott!

-[Scott] What do you mean? -I'm so tired.

I feel really bad. I've been denying Scott sex lately.

-That was the only kind of kiss I get? -Yes.

-Leave me alone. -I love you.

No. Leave.

-You have an attitude. -No. Go out.

Wait, don't! Don't! Stop!

-I'm just not in the mood. I feel like... -[Scott] Well, get in the mood.

There's no more room to fit anything else in there.

I'm not asking to park a dump truck in there.

I'm just asking to let me get in there.

At least I'm being honest with you and telling you, it's not you.

It's not, like, I'm not attracted to you or don't want to have sex with you.

It's just that I'm scared...

[Scott] Well, you know what you have to do.

You said you're attracted to me.

That just put me in a clear line for a [bleep].

-Why don't you... -Why don't I what?

Stay on your side of the bed.

The truth is, I'm just scared that the sex is gonna hurt the baby.

I hate not being able to touch you.

-I love you. -I didn't say don't touch me.

You just said to stay on my side of the bed.

[Kourtney] If you keep talking like that,

you're gonna have to sleep on the couch.

If you keep acting like this, I'm gonna want to.

-[Khlo�] It's such a gloomy day. -[Malika] It is.

Summer's over.

Wait, do you really know that Lamar's longest road trip is 16 days?

You just still have to find a way to, like,

still nurture your relationship at the same time.

So when you're away from each other, you can still feel like you're connected.

We could do, like, a scrapbook of, like, favorite memories.

But what man is gonna carry around a scrapbook?

[Malika] Yeah, I don't know.

[Khlo�] Well, what else can we do?

Maybe like, um... a video.

Like a solo sex tape? Like, masturbation?

[Malika laughs]

I am not going to videotape you masturbating.

-You would be like this. -[Malika laughs]

You know, I kind of like the idea of a sexy little video.

I could be naughty.

Oh, my God.

I should, 'cause he's obsessed with candy,

bags and bags and bags of Skittles and put them in a bathtub,

and be, like, sitting in it with a tiara.

[Malika] That would be cute.

You're gonna have Skittles in places you never had 'em before.

[Khlo�] I mean, honey.

[laughing]

What about this schoolgirl outfit?

Please be the plastic nurse.

This is a sexy little video.

So the first step is finding the perfect wardrobe.

Can we go to a fire station

-and get the big, baggy thing? -[Malika] Like, their coat?

Can I ask someone?

You might as well go all-out, right?

[Khlo�] With all this stuff, I can't go wrong.

I'm gonna have Lamar drooling after he sees this.

The collar's attached to nipple clamps.

Oh, no.

Hey, don't knock it till you try it.

Total comes to $586.15.

[Malika] That's not bad at all, Khlo�.

[Khlo�] "Not that bad"? Are you crazy?

[Scott] Hey, bugs.

-[Kourtney] Hey. -[Scott] What are you up to?

Packing my, um, hospital bag.

I had to buy ugly nursing bras, then I was like...

-And you're wearing sexy ones now? -[Kourtney] Yeah.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

You don't even want to get naked in front of me anymore.

-Yes, I do. I always run around... -No less have sex ever.

Well, I don't want to have sex

when I'm thinking about nipple cream that I had to buy today.

Okay, I don't wanna think about nipple cream for pregnancy.

Well, does this make you feel sexy,

when I have to buy full-butt underwear that you have to wear?

[Scott] Put a nursing bra on, some boy panties and some nipple cream,

and that's my fantasy of you pregnant.

I just think you're being annoying, and...

[Scott] How am I being annoying when I'm trying

to make love to you throughout your pregnancy?

It helps the baby come quicker.

So are we gonna do it or what?

[Kourtney] Scott is being super annoying right now,

and he's not taking my feelings into account.

You're just being really selfish and insensitive

and, like, don't make fun of me over it.

-I'm not making fun of you. -Yeah, you are!

You're [bleep] making fun of me over it.

-[Scott] Put your nipple cream on. -You're such a douche!

-[knock at door] -[Kourtney] Yeah?

[Scott] You mind if I come in?

Hi.

I'm sorry.

Keep going.

I didn't mean to be rude to you, I was only kidding.

I feel like this should be the time that we're the closest,

and I feel like I'm the farthest.

It's not just about sex. It's just about the fact...

Having sex with you sometimes makes me feel closer to you.

I don't what else to do anymore. I just...

I miss a lot of things.

[Kourtney] Scott has a point,

and I miss us being intimate too. Like, we need to figure this out.

Okay. Well, I miss you too, and you're right.

All right. I love you, little one.

And I love you, little, little one.

[Khlo�] Wait, so, Kourt, what are you so afraid of?

Like, I don't understand why you won't just bone him.

[Kourtney] I'm not afraid.

The baby's getting big and I'm small, so I was like,

"How can I fit another thing inside of me?"

I know that Kourtney's afraid to have sex while she's pregnant,

but she needs to know that in all honesty,

there's nothing that will hurt that baby.

[Kris] I've had six kids,

and I was very sexually active

-with all six kids. -[Khlo� groaning]

I have never wanted sex more than when I was pregnant.

-Ew, Mom. -[Khlo�] Ew!

-Mom! -We just don't want to hear that.

But you're also bigger than me.

Okay, so maybe you should go to, like, a class

-where they teach you. -[Khlo�] Wait, Mom?

You can look online and find a class

where they'll teach you, like, different...

[Khlo�] Wait, what, you want her to go to a sex class

while she's pregnant? That's sick.

Maybe she needs to go to a sex class.

Is it for pregnant people? Or it's...

[Kris] Yeah! It's for pregnant people.

If you want me to explain to you,

like, sexually, what I was going through...

-No, I would rather hear from a stranger. -[Khlo�] Okay. No, thanks.

I was actually hornier after the baby...

-[Khlo�] Mom, shut up! -[Kim] Okay.

[Kourtney] I don't want you ever to say the word "horny."

[Kris] I was horny!

-[Officer] Hello. -[Malika] Hi.

What can I help you with?

[Khlo�] Today's the day I'm making my little love tape,

and I'm trying a bunch of different locations.

[man] Okay, now wrap your other leg around.

-There you go. -[Khlo� shrieks]

[laughing] That was so much scarier than I thought.

-[man] Good job. -I have to do it again.

Whoo!

Hi. [laughs]

I never thought I was gonna be self-conscious in front of a camera.

You ready?

Baby, you gotta come home and put this fire out.

Every time I try to be sexy,

I just, like, make a joke 'cause I think I'm so stupid.

You gotta come home, baby, so I can put your fire out.

[laughing] I can't be sexy on demand.

I'm, like, just so embarrassed.

[sirens blaring]

Yes!

-Wait, there's more... Ow. -[Malika] Sorry.

[giggling]

[Khlo�] It's okay, little baby.

Ow!

That hurts my boobs!

Oh, come on.

Come on... See how hard that sounds?

-[Malika] Well, watch your toes. -Ow!

[Malika] Khlo�, stop being a baby!

[shrieking]

[Malika] Get ready to make a sweet message.

[Khlo�] Okay, what exactly am I saying?

[Malika] Just say anything.

[giggles] I don't know what to say.

I'm totally comfortable being sexy in front of Lamar,

but not in front of Malika.

This is so unnatural.

You had such a good game tonight.

Yeah. I want you to come home with me and take a bath.

[snorts]

I feel so lame.

Mmm.

Yum.

[laughing] So cute! So cute!

Oh, I feel like this would be...

[Malika] It's adorable.

So, um, what did Cici say?

She said we can go to dinner tomorrow night

anywhere from, like, 8:00 to 8:30.

Okay.

[grunting]

I'm looking up these pregnancy sex classes

that my mom told me about.

'Cause she told me...

Oh, you spoke to her finally?

-Yes. -Aw, thanks, bug.

It was traumatizing.

She said, so you can have sex when you're pregnant.

So we're good to go.

She said these classes, like,

just tell you everything, what you can and can't do.

Pregnancy sex class

might be kind of fun,

and maybe it'll teach me a couple things

to make me not as anxious

about having sex while pregnant.

I'm happy that you finally went out of your way.

I know it must've been weird talking to your mom, but...

I just want it to be back to normal.

And if it means going to some weird sex class,

I'll do it. I love you, and I just want to be close again to you.

-All right. Well, I'm excited. Let's go. -So you'll go to the class?

[scoffs] If it means I get to get in your panties again, yeah.

It does.

What happens when your water breaks? You just pee on yourself?

It's like an explosion in your pantyhose.

[laughing]

So, Malika and I came up with this idea for Lamar to, um,

like, take our flip camera and just do, like, a video montage-y thing.

-Just, like, fun, and... -What?

I have costumes that I haven't done yet.

A nurse's outfit, a schoolgirl outfit,

-just, like, random stuff. -[Kourtney] No way.

Go get them.

[Khlo�] I can't be any less sexy than I was with Malika,

so I'll give it a shot. I'll put on an outfit

and I'll try to do another little skit for Kourt.

[Kourtney] Yee-haw.

Okay. Let me get into position.

Whoo.

[Kourtney] Smack your ass. Turn around. Give it a little spank.

-Okay. Was that good? -[Kourtney] No.

Let's do round two.

Poor Khlo�. She is so not sexy right now.

[Kourtney] Oh, come on.

Don't you have a bra?

And you have a crotchless bodysuit on?

Now do you feel super comfortable?

I think the only way to save Khlo� in this video

is to make it not sexy and to just make it cute and funny.

I just need...

a simple...

And then at the end, turn around...

shake your bunny tail...

and that's it.

[Kourtney] Turn around.

[Kourtney laughs]

Good girl.

I taught you well.

-[Kourtney] Hi. -[Helena] Welcome, welcome, welcome.

This is "Survival Skills for Sex During Pregnancy."

So, let's talk about whether sex is safe.

It is safe. The main and the most important thing

is that you be comfortable.

How many of you are into rabbit sex? [huffing]

That really hard, fast, pounding...

-kind of sex. -[all chuckling]

It's time to slow down and feel a bit.

Okay, you've all been using these blocks, right?

They're kind of nice.

This can be your best friend.

So now, we're gonna actually get into position.

[Kourtney] This pregnancy sex class is very interesting.

-[Helena] Ahh. -[all exhaling]

-[Helena] Very good. Very good. -Oh, yeah.

The leg has to be under the waist.

So your leg...

will go right...

-Under there. -Right there.

-Okay. -Okay?

See what these guys are doing?

Is this just a cuddle?

Wait, does the penis get used in this exercise?

[Helena] And this is really good for your legs.

[Kourtney] How uncomfortable.

How are you gonna reach this thing?

[Kourtney] No, it's just... For you.

[Scott] This is what I wanted the other night?

Come squat on my face?

This is a sick, deluded world we're living in.

[Helena] You can use your fantastic legs.

Hello, fella.

Sex is that space where you go

to be intimate, to be warm, to be loving.

Connecting in many, many different kinds of ways.

You've got the ability to connect,

and touch, and look.

That's my very favorite, even to this day.

I'm so relieved to hear

that sex during pregnancy is completely safe

as long as you go a little more slow and gentle.

All right, let's all go home and [bleep] these pregnant girls.

-[laughing] -Let's go!

I need help picking some more songs for this.

-Mm-hmm. -Because I seriously...

I've just been having second thoughts.

I cannot get it together.

[soft rock guitar music playing]

[music stops]

-That is so not a sexy song. -Wait, keep it!

-[Khlo�] No! -How am I gonna tell in one second?

[Khlo�] This is so awful.

I'm editing this love tape for Lamar,

and, oh, my God, is this awful.

Like, I cannot edit it enough to make it look sexy.

[slow funk guitar music playing]

[inaudible]

[laughing]

[laughing]

What are you guys doing? What can't I see?

-Khlo� has a video that... -[laughing] No, please! Please!

-...we've been working on for Lamar. -What, what are you doing?

-Wait, you gotta press play. -Whoa!

[Khlo� laughing]

[gasping]

[Kim] Khlo�, how did you film this?

We could maybe play with this a little.

-We need to just do it, like... -[sighs]

What?

This was a roadie trip present...

Like, when he's on the road.

-Just, like, to be cute. -Aw, that's so cute.

He's never gonna come home if he sees this.

I can't give this to him.

-Why? -I changed my mind.

-You have to. -Khlo�, it's made.

-[Khlo�] This is so embarrassing. -[Kim] You went through all this.

How many guys would love their wife

to just give them something?

I think Khlo�'s being a little hard on herself.

I mean, come on. She's not a professional porn star,

which is not even what Lamar wants her to be.

You could slip it in his bag.

-He goes out of town tonight, right? -[Khlo�] Yeah.

Either you're slipping it in his bag or we are.

[Kourtney] Tonight is the magic night.

[Khlo�] You guys are such evil [bleep].

[Rob] You want to play Madden?

I'm not really... I'm not really that good.

Oh, my gosh.

Tonight is the night before Lamar's first road trip

and I'm really sad about it,

so we're gonna hang out a little before he leaves.

[doorbell rings]

-[Rob] What's going on? -[man] You guys ordered pizza?

-Yeah. -All right. Uh... $17.22.

-I don't have cash. -I only have hundreds.

Let me get some from Khlo.

Khlo�!

[Khlo�] Yeah!

I need some money for the food.

[Khlo�] My purse is right by the door. Just get it out of my wallet.

Come on.

-[Rob laughs] That's a porno. -Here you go.

[Rob] Scott lifts a DVD

with "XXX" on one side,

and on the other side, a picture of my sister Khlo�,

half-nude.

Weird.

[Scott] Rob, put on some video games or something.

For the record, it is not my idea to play this DVD, at all.

Mmm.

The [bleep] is this?

-Scott, what the [bleep] did you put on? -[Lamar] Yo.

[laughing]

[Scott] This is what you guys do with each other?

-Ew! -[Lamar laughing]

I cannot look at this!

[Khlo�] What the [bleep] are you guys watching?

-No. -Turn this off! Turn it off!

How do you work this?

This is so embarrassing.

-Ew! What the [bleep]? -[Lamar laughing]

My eyes!

[screaming]

Why the hell are Rob and Scott watching this tape?

It's just sick.

-I don't know how to work this! -[Lamar] Yo.

She's not the sister I thought she was.

[laughing]

Oh, that was funny. It was a joke, right?

[clears throat]

[Khlo�] I know I shouldn't be this upset,

but I am a little sad.

You got a real freak in the sheets over there.

[Rob] Khlo�, come here.

-Khlo�. -[Lamar] Oh, that was too much.

-I mean, that was classic material. -That's special.

I think Khlo�'s, like, more embarrassed that we...

What do you mean, bro? She's mortified.

I'm saying she's upset.

[Scott, sarcastically] Oh, really?

You should probably find your wife

and tell her, "I still love you, I think you're sexy as hell."

[Rob] That's hard for her to do.

-[grunting] -You better get in there, L.O.

[Lamar] Oh, boy.

[sing-song] Khlo�.

Oh, boy.

-[Khlo�] What? -Uh-huh.

[Khlo�] Hmm?

[sighing]

[sighs]

[laughing]

No one else was supposed to see that.

-Can I keep it, though? -No.

Those long road trips, I'm gonna need it.

What, so you could show everyone and laugh?

No. Why would I show everyone that?

You're the sexiest person in the world to me.

Dead serious.

[laughing] Even with that?

Even with... I mean, even... That's a little different.

[laughing]

All a girl wants is for a man to make her feel beautiful and stunning.

And I mean, he makes me feel that way.

And he tells me every single day.

And that's all I ever wanted to hear.

-Glad you liked it. -No, I didn't like it. I loved it.

I loved it.

[Khlo�] Well, I tried.

[Lamar] No, you didn't try. You succeeded.

What is all this?

[Scott] Surprise.

This is nice.

-Who would have thought? -I got our new little friend,

-if you know what I mean. -Oh, no way. You got it?

I'm so glad things are back to normal.

I mean, it's not just the sex that I missed,

it's the intimacy,

and Scott and I have always been super affectionate

and I'm glad that things are back that way.

[Kourtney] Oh, yeah.

[Kourtney] Hey, guys.

-Hey. -[Khlo�, with accent] Hi, Kourtney.

-Hiya, Scott. -How are you guys?

-[Scott] Hey. -[Kourtney] What's been going on?

[Khlo�] Don't strangle her.

-Get your hand off her boob! -[Scott] Who did that?

Scott, be a little more respectful around my mother.

-[Scott] You're right. -[Kourtney] Come here.

[Khlo�] Oh, my God.

Ew!

-Do you mind? -Oh, vomit.

Ew! Scott! She's little!

-Get a room! -Two can play this game.

[Khlo�] Ew, Bruce! Ew! [bleep]

[all shouting]

[Khlo� screaming]

[Kris] I am not in the mood!

I am not in the mood!

And you made me spill stuff!

[indistinct conversation]

[man] Honey, that's your ejaculate.

[all screaming]

[Bruce] That's the most I've gotten in a long time.

[Kim] Next on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...

Vegas, baby.

[Rob] Kim's hosting her big birthday bash.

We're here to get drunk, have a good time.

No, no!

No!

-[Kris] Scott! Stop it! -No!

Scott!

You shut your [bleep].

-[Kourtney] Scott! -[bleep]

[bleep]