Original subtitles

[music playing]

[Kris] Khlo�, would you help me do the dishes?

Thanks.

I'm the red-headed stepchild.

"Khlo�, do this." "Khlo�, do that."

-[in French accent] Robert! -What?

[Kourtney] Do you feel like getting a CD out of my car?

Ask Khlo�, she's the stepchild.

This sucks.

-Who washes plastic? -[Kris] Who wants water?

Kourtney, you want some water?

Can I have it with some lemon, please?

-[Rob] Who washes... -[Kris] Lemon? Sure, sweety.

Here. Can you just throw that away?

Thanks.

I... I'm thirsty too.

-No ice? -No ice?

[Khlo�] Can I do anything for you, Kourt? Rub your back?

Mom, what would you like? A manicure, pedicure, bikini wax?

There's just a few more plates here, Khlo�, and then you'll be done.

Well, I'll show you done, bitch.

-[camera shutters] -[Bruce] All right, we're ready.

No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys... Is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

I'm gonna need someone to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

I am here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

[Kim] Stop! Jealous?

-[Bruce] Stop! -[Kris] That's enough.

Stop!

[man 1] Great, guys.

-[man 2] That's it. We're done. -[man 3] Money.

-[Rob] No... -[Khlo�] Is this the Pimp 'n' Hoes party?

Wait, where?

-This. You guys all look like whores. -Yeah.

-[Rob] Wait a minute. -It is.

Look at Dad.

I'm so not a part of this family. Look how big my nose is.

-Look at my shirt. -[Kourtney] Ew! Look!

[Khlo�] Like, your skin color, your hair color, everyone...

I do not look like you guys.

-It's like not normal. -Khlo�, yes you do.

[Khlo�] No, I don't. You and Kim look identical.

I look like...

I am adopted. I swear.

You guys, just show me the birth certificates and I'll be fine.

-[Kris] You guys... -I'm gonna go find my real birth parents.

I think Khlo� is adopted.

[Khlo�] Give me my... I wanna see my birth certificate.

Okay. She is not adopted. She is just different in every way.

You have a different color hair,

different color eyes, different color skin.

Khlo� needs a DNA test.

-Yes, let's go take a DNA test! -[Kris] No.

Let me take a piece of your hair.

Oh, my God. You're gonna have to get a piece of my hair.

[Khlo�] Get Bruce's, I swear, I'm probably his kid.

-[Kris] I didn't even know Bruce then. -[Khlo�] Ow!

-We have specimen of Khlo�'s hair. -[Khlo�] Kim, that really hurt.

Khlo�, I'm going online...

-[Khlo�] No, we need to get a DNA test. -...to see where I can get...

...a home DNA test.

-[Khlo�] You guys think I'm joking. -They don't have a home...

This isn't an AIDS test.

-You think they have a home AIDS tests... -[Kris] They don't have a home...

...but they don't have a home DNA test?

-89 dollars. -[Khlo�] I knew I was adopted.

-I told you from day one. -homedna.com.

[Khlo�] Why would my godmother go,

"When are you going to tell her that she's adopted?"

Why would someone say that if I'm really not adopted?

Are you mental? You really...

You've been saying this since you were five years old.

I just can't believe that I'm really like...

legitimately a part of this family.

I can't believe that I'm legitimately a part of this family.

[Kris] I would like to make a toast to Rob.

Daddy would be very proud of Rob, and I'm proud too.

-Aw, that means so much... -[Kris] Happy Graduation!

...when you're proud of me.

Rob has just finished the last of his finals,

and our whole family is getting together to celebrate.

Maybe you can, ah, loan me

that Bentley of yours as a little gift, graduation gift.

Not a chance.

-[Khlo� cackles] -[Kris] Do you have anything in mind

that you would want to do when you graduate?

[Kim] If you want cars like Bentleys, honey,

you're gonna have to get a job, pronto.

If you're gonna run around on your friends' private planes

at their hotels in Vegas and bla bla bla,

then, you know, start thinking along those lines.

[Kourtney] Mom, that's nice to do to your son

and put that kind of pressure.

[Rob] Growing up the way I did,

and surrounded by, you know,

my parents' friends and my sisters' friends,

everybody has a lot of money,

so I just have the mindset to make a lot of money

and that's just what I have to do.

If I set up an internship,

like, if I can, I'll ask some of my guy friends,

do you think that's cool? Do you want...

-I would rather get a paid job. -[Kourtney] What else do you think...

I'll get you paid internship. You're not gonna work for free,

you went to college, at USC, business school.

-[Kris] A lot of people go to USC... -That's a vehicle, Mustang.

...because they have such a great, you know, camaraderie.

Of course she knows a lot about USC,

she boned half the football team and the towel boys.

-[Rob] Wonder... -Okay, very funny.

That's why I don't look like you people. I look like Rob's science teacher.

[Kourtney] Uh, hello.

[laughter]

-[Khlo�] What is this mattress for? -[Kris] Move this...

Somebody sent it to me, I think we should just put on top my bed.

Why don't you just lay it on the floor and you sleep out here for a day?

Why don't you kiss my ass?

What do you want me to do with this?

[Kris] I want you to drag it in the house somehow.

You think I'm like a camel, I could just throw this

on my back and it'll be fine?

[Kris] There's a way... Wait a minute.

There's a way. Yeah.

There's a way. Let's just...

-...drag it. -[Khlo�] Wait! Move!

What? Khlo�!

-Just... -Mom, this can't fit through a door.

My mom definitely relies on me more than on Kourtney and Kim.

Like, I'm always the go-to girl and the fix-it girl.

If you do not push I will kill you.

-[Kris] I'm trying, Khlo�. -Push!

[Kris] Thank god for you.

Yeah, that's why you adopted me.

-Free slavery. -[Kris] You're not adopted, Khlo�.

[Khlo�] This is like the craziest thing.

I should DNA test your ass.

Khlo�, my pictures are kind of falling down.

Klo, have a little respect.

[Khlo� grunts]

[Kris] Khlo�, are you okay?

[Khlo�] Mom, suck it!

[Kim] So I just went to XIV Karats with Mom

and I totally found my engagement ring.

[Khlo�] So does that mean you're engaged?

[Kim] No, I'm just saying I found it.

Oh, my God, are you joking?

Oh, God, I have to call this guy for Rob.

[Khlo�] How much is this?

It's like three hundred thousand.

[Kourtney] Hey, how are you?

I actually have a favor to ask you.

My younger brother Rob, I think you've met him before,

he is about to graduate from the USC Business School...

I'm calling my college friend Ben to set up an interview for Rob

so he can see what it's like to work in the real world.

Okay, so this Wednesday?

And then I'll call Rob right now. He'll be so excited. Thank you!

Buying paternity testing.

What are you doing?

I'm just looking at all of these DNA testing.

Khlo�, this isn't even funny.

You've seen the stories,

you've heard them from your grandparents

about the day that you were born...

-No, I haven't. No, I haven't. -And how exciting and...

Everybody thought you were gonna be a boy, but it was a girl.

And then everybody got over it after 15 minutes.

So you guys like were disappointed when I was born?

I was not...

[Khlo�] Is that why you treat me the way you guys treat me?

How do I treat you?

I just get treated differently then how she treats Kourtney and Kim.

When I was ten years old, I would make dinner,

set the table, you could always count on me.

When you're ten, that's not really something you wanna be doing,

and I was doing it for years and years and years.

You're so obsessed with this whole thing

that I think you're gonna be disappointed

-when you really find out. Go do it. -[Khlo�] No, I...

Go do it. Find out that I'm your mom,

and then what are you gonna do?

It's not that big of a deal. If you are, congratulations.

You have an amazing child. But if you're not...

-Ta-ta. -[Kris] I'm done.

[Kim] Where the [bleep] is my car?

-I'm sure it's at the shop... -[Kim] No.

...like it is every day.

[Kim] No, it's not, I just drove it.

Where is Reg?

[Kim] He is out of town, he wouldn't have my car.

Oh, my God, my car is not here.

Kim, I'm sure you left it at someone's house.

Kourtney, I have two parking spaces

-and I left my Bentley at someone's house? -You left it at someone's house.

Who's gonna take your car?

It's a Bentley, who wouldn't take her car?

Are you joking?

Okay, so when did you notice it was missing?

Like 20 minutes ago.

What kind of car was it?

When I get home, I see my Bentley is missing

and immediately I call the police to file a police report.

[Kim] Oh...

[police officer] Is that it?

[Kim] That is my [bleep] little brother.

What are you doing?

-What is going on? -[Kim] What are you doing?

I called the police, I thought my car was stolen.

How did you even get my key?

-I worked hard and I bought... -[engine revving]

Rob, get out of my car.

I can't even believe Rob stole my Bentley.

Kourtney. Khlo�.

-[Kourtney] What? -Rob is out of control.

He had my car this whole time. He was out with my car.

Rob!

-What? What do you want? -[Kourtney] I didn't even hear him...

-...come in. -[Kim] Sit down.

[Rob sighs]

Seriously, what is wrong with you?

Nothing, I took your car for a little joy ride.

You don't think there's anything wrong with that

when I told you no, you're not allowed to?

Ah, I didn't think it was that serious. I've taken Mom's car.

I've taken... I mean, I�ve taken all you guys...

-It's not that big of deal. -I told you, it's not even the car.

-It's just... No. -[Rob] You have all these things...

I think Rob is definitely going through a phase in his life.

He's about to graduate college... it's just a weird time in your life.

-You sound like the biggest spoiled brat. -[Rob] I took your car.

-You're being selfish. -It's not even that.

No, it's not even that. I called the police.

I thought... I thought my car was stolen.

You're right. I need to go to rehab. You guys are right.

Even though Rob stole my car,

he's still my baby brother and I can never stay mad at him.

[Kourtney] I'm a lot fatter than Adrienne.

-[Kourtney] Hey, Rob. -Hey, what's up?

I got your suits, your dry cleaning.

Nice.

I would wear this striped one.

Today is the big day when Rob goes in for his interview,

and I'm just hoping that he gets the internship.

How much money do you think I'll be getting at this job?

It's like a paid internship, I'm sure you'll get a bit more than minimum wage.

-I had a minimum wage job in high school. -[Kourtney] It's a starting job.

-Robert, it's a starting job. -I need to be getting a little more...

You're going for the experience. You can say you have other jobs.

My dad always told me time is money, so you know,

I'm 21 years old. I would love to, you know,

have a couple million dollars by 25.

So I'm not gonna waste my time doing some minimum wage job.

[Kourtney] Okay, call me right when you're done.

[Rob] Alright.

Oh, it's my paternity test.

-What? -No, not like to see if I'm pregnant.

Like, to see if my parents are my parents.

-I don't think Kris Jenner is my mom. -What is wrong with you?

Someone that psychotic cannot be blood related to me.

How it works? Using the enclosed cheek swabs, rub inside... the cheek.

How are you gonna get that?

How the hell am I gonna get a cotton swab into my mom's mouth

without her thinking anything weird?

[Khlo�] What are you eating?

-[girl laughs] -I'm... testing.

[Kris] I just saw Nicollette Sheridan buying these.

So I thought if she can eat 'em...

-[girl laughs] -...I can eat 'em.

-Oh, this is just horrible. -[girl] Spit.

You just bought it 'cause Nicollette Sheridan was eating it?

That's really... celebrity influenced.

Open your mouth.

-[girl] It's that bad? -Why?

I wanna see your caps, I just wanna see how they look like.

Uh-uh. Like that.

[coughs] Khlo�, what are you doing? She is out of her mind.

-[Khlo�] Functional. -[Kris] What was that all about?

-What? -This is my mouth. My mouth.

-Good. -Like, I have boundaries. Warn me.

-[Khlo�] Mom... -Okay?

...I'm busy getting your drug test results,

I really don't know what you've been up to these days.

-You have the chills? -You've tested me to see

if I'm your real mother.

[Khlo�] How did you know? Who told you?

And if you don't think that I'm your real mother,

then there's something wrong with you.

There definitely is something wrong with me.

-That's already been discovered. -[Kris] Okay, honey.

Get your little test off in the mail, and when you get your results back,

we'll pop a bottle of champagne and celebrate.

-Okay? So get ready. -[Khlo�] Tubular.

It just depends how happy you're gonna be that I'm your real mom.

I'm not a stranger to tattoos,

but I just... I've always been wanting to get another one.

[tattoo pen buzzing]

So how did you settle on this one, out of everything?

[Rob] My dad.

Love him.

I think it's perfect just to do, uh...

do his face right there on my forearm.

[cell phone ringing]

Dude, Kourt's calling.

[Rob] Just ignore her.

-I don't wanna talk... -Ignore her?

Don't pick up.

[Kris] You know, Khlo� came into Smooch today.

-[Bruce] Mm-hmm. -She shoved a swab in my mouth.

-A swab for what? -To get a sample of my DNA.

-[chuckles] My DNA. -[Bruce] To get a s... For what?

Because she wanted to see if I was her real mom.

Honey, Khlo� has a tendency...

to be very dramatic, very over the top.

-I honestly think it's kind of funny. -It's not funny.

It's... She's upset because I treat Kourtney differently than I treat Kim,

than I, you know, treat Khlo�,

-but she's gotta stop the bitterness. -Well, well, well...

-How the hell are you people? -[Bruce] Khlo�...

-Remember the language in my house. -[Khlo�] Okay, psycho.

-I don't want... You know, you can... -[Khlo�] Well, okay.

-Khlo�, the language. -You say it around the kids.

No, I said on my property.

You didn't actually go out and have your DNA done

or were you just kidding about that?

-That's like the stupidest thing... -[Kris] Her DNA?!

-No, I took mom's. -[Kris] She swabbed my mouth.

Now, why are you being like this?

I just wanted to, like,

prove a point, 'cause Mom, like, kisses Kim and Kourtney's ass,

and she makes me, like, always take care of Kendall and Kylie.

"Make this", "Wash these dishes", "Go get me this."

[mockingly] "I need to talk to you about Bruce.

"I'm in need of... My husband and I... I need you. I love him,

-but he won't have sex or like..." -Oh, please.

I think Khlo�'s probably doing this whole "I'm not your child thing",

you know, the whole DNA thing, really, to get Kris' attention.

I don't want to be treated like you guys bought me into this family,

so now you guys could just treat me like a red-headed stepchild.

So you like me better than Mom?

[Khlo�] I mean that's probably not an appropriate question at the time,

since Mom's about to cry.

[Kourtney] Ugh, I am so [bleep] pissed right now.

Why?

Because Rob totally flaked on the internship that I set up for him.

He got a tattoo today of...

-...like this huge thing of Dad and... -[Kourtney] What?

Why would he get more tattoos?

-He has huge tattoos now. -[Khlo�] I have no idea. Call him.

Rob is usually really responsible and usually a really good boy.

So I'm shocked that I hear that he gets this huge tattoo.

He's not answering my phone calls though, but Adrienne and Kim both told me.

Have you seen Rob's tattoos?

He got them all over.

All over.

-What? -[Khlo�] He added another one here.

[Khlo�] This big.

-Both of his arms are full like this. -Now here and here.

-Like he's a... Like he's a... -City of angels?

Wait a minute!

Oh, my God, calm down.

No, no. Calm down?

-That's... Mom, now you're being dramatic. -[Kris] Calm down?

Shut up, Khlo�. You're... Well, you have a son with a [bleep] tattoo

of the size of Alabama on his [bleep] chest,

and then you tell me to calm down? It's not okay!

Okay, drama.

-Am I the only one who hasn't seen it? -No, we haven't seen it.

You guys are going to die.

Seriously?

We need to hold him down and laser that [bleep] of his body.

He likes the portrait.

Okay, but what... Who came up with "city of angels"?

-[Kris] What do you think? -Certainly not me.

-[Kourtney] Is that like a motto of his? -I know nothing about the city of angels.

-[Kourtney] Is that, like, his... -No.

You just don't think of a random slogan...

-...to put on. -No. No, one of those thug guys...

...in there that Rob wants to be like said it was hot,

-and then Rob... it became hot. -[Khlo�] D-Mac has a tattoo that's like...

And I'm a cornball 'cause I'm just a Cheetah Girl.

[door closes]

-Hey! -[Adrienne] Hey!

Why are you guys all looking at me like... Heh.

[Rob] So why are you guys all looking at me like... Heh.

Well, I'm kind of annoyed with you, personally,

because you like completely just...

-[Kourtney] Tell us. -...ruined your body in my opinion.

Just show us the tattoos.

[Kourtney] Is that coming out of clouds?

[Rob] Yeah. Clouds.

That looks exactly like the picture in the hallway.

[Kris] The hair looks exactly the same.

[making gunshot sound]

[Kourtney] That's weird.

-Wait, let me see the other one. -This one I'm getting...

[Khlo�] What are you getting to it, Rob?

Tell me, what are you doing?

-[Kourtney] Let me just see it. -You don't even know.

-[Kourtney] Let me just see it. -You are so [bleep] stupid.

[Rob] Look at your lower back.

-Rob, I have a cross with angel wings... -Just calm down, Khlo�.

-...and it's small. -[Rob] And what was under it?

-Look at you, "CA, City of Angels"? -[Kourtney] Wait, it's not...

[Kim] I definitely think that Rob getting a tattoo of my dad's face

is definitely some kind of yearning for my dad.

And he's graduating from the school that my dad graduated from.

This is a very difficult time in his life

and I think he really wishes my dad was here for him.

-[Kris] That is embarrassing. -[Kourtney] You can figure out

how to get a job on your own now.

Because I made a phone call for you...

[Khlo�] Rob, you're just [bleep] up.

You're marking your body, all these tattoos?

You do not think it through.

You listen to everybody else cause you're a dumb [bleep].

-So now you're gonna live with this. -Don't call him a dumb [bleep].

He has to know that he's a moron.

Don't worry about it.

When I make my first million, you won't be saying [bleep] Khlo�.

-Rob, this is getting out of control. -[Rob] Seriously.

-No, I don't wanna hear you guys... -[Kourtney] Join me in the other room.

-...just yell at me and always trying... -Just come with me in the other room.

-...to put me down. -[Khlo�] You need it! Look at you!

[Khlo�] You're [bleeping] up.

You are totally going about this the wrong way.

You are not making any sense of what you're saying.

You don't earn respect by... Having money is not respect.

How many people do you know that have tons of money

and they're not respectable people?

-[Rob] You guys all drive, like, nice... -Money doesn't earn you respect.

Okay, 'cause we worked hard to do so.

You guys are always out of town and in hotels and all this stuff.

I realize that, like, you're trying to keep up with us,

but you have put in your time too.

You need to start from the bottom just like we did.

I just hope that you remember, like, you know,

where you came from and these...

-I know. -Keep the values that you were taught.

Honestly, like, why did you blow off that interview?

I just didn't wanna go to an interview for an internship.

You should've talked to me about it 'cause that represents me.

[Rob] You know, Kourtney is right.

To succeed in life, you gotta start at the bottom.

You know, that's what she did, that's what Kim did.

And I'm sorry for, you know, blowing it off,

and I'll definitely be willing to do it again.

Maybe we can make up some kind of excuse.

I'm willing ton you know, take that job and work my way up.

Money will come in due time.

-I'll take that internship... -[Kourtney laughs] Okay.

...if you set it up again.

-Hey, Rob. -Hey there.

-How's it going? -Good, how are you doing?

I'm not gonna be some big shot,

you know, right out of college.

But... eventually.

-[Khlo�] Hi! -[Kris] Hey, Khlo�.

-[chuckles] Guess what I got. -What did you get, Khlo�?

Tests.

-[Kris] Surprise, surprise. -You have no STDs, but you have a child.

-Khlo�, I was there when you were born. -[Khlo�] Stoked, you were?

Yeah. A lot of pain that day.

-[Khlo�] Ooh. -And you're still getting on my nerves.

I love you very much,

and as you guys grow up,

you're gonna end up... We're all gonna have different relationships.

But you've got to stop,

"Khlo�, do the dishes," "Khlo�, watch the kids,"

"Khlo�, braid their hair," "Khlo�, go get me ice-cream." "Khlo�..."

Like... what?

I have so much respect for Khlo� and so much love for Khlo�,

and I'm really gonna start treating her a lot different.

Khlo�, I know you're not Cinderella, I never wanna make you feel like that,

and you're the best, honey.

I never like really doubted

-that you were not my mom. -[Kris] You're all happy now, aren't you?

-No, just listen. -[Kris] That little giggle.

You finally feel like you belong,

even tough you're 5'10" and blonde and gorgeous.

But I still love you just the same 'cause everybody knows I do.

Oh, I hate when you get this fake, you seem like

-such a corny baloney. -[Kris] I do.

I do, you little cutie.

Alright, Khlo�, what do you want for dinner?

A Jack and Coke.

[Kris] Next on Keeping Up With the Kardashians...

You're trying to get shit out of me, that's not cool.

Khlo�'s having a really hard time telling me what's wrong.

[Kourtney] She didn't come home last night.

I'm really worried about Khlo�.

Where you going?

I'm gonna run a couple... Just random things I gotta do.

He is cheating on me.

-[woman] What did the girl look like? -[Kourtney] She looked like a nasty whore.