Original subtitles

[***]

[Khlo�] Who?

I know. I wanna know

-what the [bleep] you need to talk to... -Khlo�!

Oh, Kylie's having a crisis, I'll call you back. Bye.

...what you should sound like in front of the kids.

[Khlo�] What did I say?

The F word.

-You don't even know you're saying it. -No, I didn't.

-[Bruce] You just did. -Did I just say the F word?

-No. -I did not.

-You just do. -[Khlo�] No, I didn't.

-You just said... -[Khlo�] The F you word?

-That word? No, I didn't. -Yeah. Yeah, in front of Kylie. You did.

-[Khlo�] Did I just say that? -No.

-[Bruce] Yes, she did, don't back her up. -I never did.

-[Bruce] I heard it. Did you hear it? -No, you're old and crazy.

If I hear one word coming out of either of those two girls...

-Kylie says it all the time. -Kylie... She is...

-She better not. If I hear it she is... -[Khlo�] Sorry.

[Bruce] ...getting her mouth washed out with soap.

You're to a much higher standard, Kylie.

You're at a higher standard than me.

-[camera shutters] -[Bruce] All right, we're ready.

No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys... Is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

Yeah, I'm gonna need someone to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

-[Khlo�] Duh. -I'm here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

[Kim] Stop! Jealous?

-[Bruce] Stop! -[Kris] That's enough.

[Kim] Stop!

[man 1] Great, guys.

-[man 2] That's it. We're done. -[man 3] Money.

-[Kourtney] Mom! -Hey, Kourt.

-[Kourtney] Guess what. -[Kris] What?

My friend Lisa Falcone, you know, that I've known forever...

[Kris] Yeah?

She just called me and wants me to be on the cover, 944 Magazine.

-The cover? -Yes.

-That's really cool. -[Kourtney] All by myself.

Ah! What did you tell her?

I mean, obviously I said yes, but I was like, "I've never done a cover."

But they wanted to be kind of like, "Who is Kourtney Kardashian?"

-Cool. Well, who's gonna do all the... -Yeah.

...you know, sort of the details for you?

I mean, do you get paid?

-Do you have hair and make up? Do you... -I don't know.

If you need me to help you, you know, with some of that stuff.

I obviously do it all for Kim,

so if you need any help, I'm happy to help you.

My mom has been managing Kim for almost two years now,

and I can totally see how,

you know, she would be a great manager.

-Yay, my first cover! -[both whooping]

[Kris] Good job!

Alright, I'm going back to DASH, you cute little mamager, you.

Bye, Kourtney.

[***]

[Kim] She's an amazing manager. I think it's a great idea.

I think there's no other way to do it.

You think it's not a good idea?

-I just... This is my opinion. -Like, she manages Bruce, Kim...

She kisses Kim's ass.

-Kim's her first major client. -[Kourtney] Maybe she'll kiss mine now.

I'm actually shocked than Kourtney wants to take on Kris as a manager

'cause Kourtney talks so much [bleep]

about Kris and Kim's kiss-assing relationship.

It's kind of shocking, but go ahead, join the dark side, Kourt.

-So, obviously, she cares... -Bruce is her first major client.

Bruce was 20 years in the making before she ever married his ass and...

the only reason why she is his manager

is 'cause Bruce is terrified to turn her down.

It's like a high-paid prostitute.

They sleep together and she gets 10 percent.

I mean, come on. What kind of life is that?

-[Kourtney] Hey! -[Kris] Oh, my God.

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-Hey, I'm Kris. -[Kourtney] This is my mom.

I'm Mark, nice to meet you.

-Hi, Mark. How are you? -Welcome to our place.

I decided to hire my mom as my manager,

see how things go.

Kourtney's telling me you guys have asked her to do the cover...

-[Mark] Mm-hmm. -...of 944?

-Is that a guaranteed cover? -[Mark] Guaranteed.

[Kris] 'Cause I had issues before when,

you know, Kourtney is really not interested in doing

something that's not a cover shot at this point.

We try and find the people that are about

-to like really blow up, and... -[Kris] Mm-hmm.

...that's what we really see in Kourtney.

And what kind of photographers are you planning on using?

[Kourtney] My mom definitely knows what she's doing.

She asks all the right questions.

She actually does know the business.

Thank you!

So, that went really well.

I know, I thought it went really well.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

-[Kim on speaker] Hey, Mom. -[Kris] What's up?

[Kim] Um, nothing. I have not gotten my itinerary yet for Comic-Con.

It's at home.

I'll have to e-mail it to you 'cause I don't have it in front of me, honey.

So I just finished Disaster Movie with Carmen Electra and Vanessa Minnillo,

and our first big promotion is Comic-Con in San Diego.

[Kim] Okay. Well, you're coming with me right?

Yeah, I'm excited.

Oh, my gosh, please try not to smack me in the face with a box.

Adrienne and I have been together a little over a year now.

She is a Cheetah Girl.

I love her and I really want to make it work,

so Adrienne and I are moving in together.

[Adrienne] I have never lived with a boyfriend before,

so this is a huge step for me.

And, um, we just want it to go really well.

Please don't tell me you actually packed one pair of your sneakers in a box.

[Rob] I'm real anal.

I clean all the counters, and like,

from the floors to the bathtub, to the toilet.

I think it's a good thing. I'm just very organized.

No, no, no, no, no.

No, I'm gonna put your stuff on the top 'cause I can't reach it, babe.

I'm like literally like on my tippy toes.

The colors are not color coordinated the way that I always do it.

[alarm chiming]

Ugh, I couldn't sleep all night because of my shoot.

Mm-hmm.

[chuckles] You're worthless.

It's the morning of my 944 shoot. It's the big day.

I'm really nervous and excited.

Hey, Mom, um, I just got up.

Um, I guess I will just meet you at the studio. Okay. Love you, bye.

[sighs]

Kim and I are at Comic-Con today,

which a convention in San Diego, California.

And Kim is there with Carmen Electra to promote her movie, Disaster Movie.

[man] That's it. That's it.

-[man] Lean into it. There, that's good. -So cute.

[man] That's right.

[***]

-[Kourtney] Hey! How are you? -[Troy] Hi, how are you?

-Good to see you. -How's it going?

[Kourtney] I get to the 944 shoot and start looking at

what my looks are going to be for the day,

we start going over clothes.

What I'd like to do, and don't be scared,

-Yes? -I wanna... I wanna...

chop your bangs.

I'm gonna dirty the roots...

-[Kourtney] Okay. -...so it looks really white trash.

[Kourtney] All this questions and decisions are coming at me.

We have you in bras and panties.

And this where I really need her, is especially in the beginning,

when we're getting everything set up.

-Hopefully, she'll be here soon. -[man] Relax, okay?

I'm starting to really wonder, "Where is she?"

I'm sure there's just traffic or something.

[man] Ladies, thank you so much for sitting with us.

Uh, if one of you decided to jump the fence,

would you consider marrying each other?

You didn't know? We were engaged.

We're engaged and this ring is actually a ring I gave her.

-It means so much. -[man] So you lesbians are spontaneous?

I love lesbians.

[man] Did you meet on Harmony.com?

-[men laughing] -We did.

Yes, we did.

-[line ringing] -[Kourtney] I'm calling my mom.

[Kris over phone] Hello?

-[Kourtney] Mom... -[Kris] Hey!

I've been at my photo shoot since 9:00 a.m.

Aren't you coming? You said you were gonna be here.

-[Kris] Oh, [bleep]! I forgot. -Are you joking?

[Kris] I could be there in about four hours.

[Kourtney on speaker] You wanted to be my manager

and I'm here literally by myself. How do you think that feels?

Kourtney's 944 cover is going on.

She's in Los Angeles, I'm in San Diego.

And it's bad.

Obviously, I made a mistake today.

Yeah, you shouldn't take on too many responsibilities that you can't handle.

-Go in the other room. -Oh, my God. [bleep] you guys.

Hey. And are you mad at me for it?

[Kourtney] No, I'm mad at her. She is supposed to be here.

How am I supposed to know what to wear?

I... I... Like, I don't have someone to tell me.

They want me to not wear my top in one thing.

I've dealt with this a few times when she's like...

you know, double booked me on things and, you know.

[Kris] Are you selling me down the river?

-I'm not. -[Kris] You're selling me down the river.

-I told you... -I heard exactly what you said to her.

That's not cool either.

And I said it in front of your face earlier.

I'm here. I know, but I'm here with you.

[scoffs]

I hired her to be here and I'm really starting to get pissed off.

[Kris over phone] Kourtney, I don't even know what to say

'cause I blew it so bad.

I just... I feel like I'm just torn in too many different directions

and I completely forgot.

And I just... I'm asking you, you know, to forgive me.

[Kris] I don't know how to explain to Kourtney

that I literally just forgot.

I have no excuse.

I can't blame it on anybody else other than myself.

[Kourtney] There's no way I could ever forgive you. You're so disappointing.

This is such a joke. This is so unprofessional.

Like, I can't even believe that people act this way.

[Kourtney] All you care about is Kim, so go crawl up Kim's ass.

Okay, why don't you [bleep] punish me

because I'm not there? That's wrong too.

You're making me feel really bad

and there's nothing I can do about it now.

It would take me three hours to get there, and we're not...

We can't leave for another two.

[Kourtney] Leave me alone, you [bleep].

-I don't even want you here anymore. -[line hangs up]

-[Khlo� over phone] Hello? -[Kris] Hey, Khlo�.

-[Khlo�] Hey, Mom. -Um, I've got a problem.

-[Khlo�] Hello? -Can you hear me?

[Khlo�] Do you have like the worst phone in America?

-Yeah, I do. -[Khlo�] I don't understand this.

I have the worst phone in America and I'm in a really bad mood.

So can you just try to listen to me?

[Kris] I literally forget to show up at Kourtney's 944 shoot.

All I can think of is, "Where's Khlo�?"

[Khlo�] You missed Kourtney's first photo shoot?

Yes, we missed Kourtney's first photo shoot.

Mom missed Kourt's first photo shoot, not me.

Can you go over there, Khlo�, and help us out with this one?

My mom has overbooked herself, so who does she call?

Me.

The best child in the world.

Don't worry about Mom. Focus on your photo shoot.

Who the [bleep] cares?

I'm gonna be so much more like inspirational than Mom could ever be.

Mom would try to jump in your photos.

-[Kourtney] Yeah. -And then be like,

"Troy! Troy, look at me."

Like... I will be like, "Go, Kourtney, you sexy bitch."

[Khlo�] Kourtney is really pissed off about my mom not being here,

and once you tick her off, it's like, there's no turning back.

[Troy] Okay, go step in.

[Kourtney] I tell them they can't cut my hair,

but I'm letting them shoot me in my underwear.

Who needs Mom at a time like this?

[Kourtney] I'm glad that Khlo�'s here, but...

that doesn't take the place of my mom,

and I'm never gonna forgive her for this.

And I'll never get over it.

* You can't do that to me *

* You can't do that to me *

* You can't do that to me *

* You can't do that to me *

-[Troy] Close your eyes. -[camera clicking]

I forget that she's got a [bleep] magazine shoot?

[Kim] I'm sure she's fine. And you never know,

-the magazine probably has some people... -I just... I just wanna cry.

Kourtney is so mad that I'm actually afraid to call her back.

And when Kourtney gets mad, she gets really mad.

[line ringing]

-[phone ringing] -[Kourtney] Ugh. Just push ignore.

Right there on the... Right there.

I'm ignoring that biatch.

[woman chuckles]

[Khlo� in a British accent] Oh, Kourtney.

[normal accent] Look how pretty they are.

Let me see. Ooh.

Devine Design. May I open it?

Please do.

It's from Mom.

[Kourtney] Ew!

Don't say "Ew."

I said, "Eew."

My mom has a lot to look forward to from Kourtney now.

Kourtney is going to completely ignore her.

Kourtney is dragging this out a little long.

-Khlo�! I don't care. -"Dearest Kourtney..."

-I don't need to hear. Sorry. -"I am so so sorry

-I didn't make it to your photo shoot." -I don't need to...

-Stop. -"My heart...

My heart is heavy!"

-"My heart is heavy?" [coughs] -"And I love you so very much

-and I hope you will forgive me." -[Kourtney coughs]

-[yelling] "I love you." -No.

-[yelling] "Love, Mom!" -Stop.

It breaks my heart to see them fighting.

You can't just buy my affection with flowers.

I would hope not, but this is our mom, like...

It's family. You gotta let it go.

She's reaching out. You just like hold on to things for life.

Alright, I can't talk about this anymore. I gotta go.

Of course you can't.

-[Kourtney] Ta-ta. -Hide your feelings.

-[Khlo�] Hi, babe! -[Kourtney] Hi, pretty girl.

Oh, my gosh, you guys have got to take those shoes off,

your brother's gonna flip.

-You have to. -No.

-Who wants to take their shoes off? -For my sake.

I swear, Rob will walk in and be like,

"Oh, no. Oh, no, no, no. Somebo...

Adrienne, who had their shoes on in this house?"

-I'll take my shoes off. -I promise it to you.

When things get rough, usually the people I call

are Kim, Khlo�, Kourtney or Kris.

Just to vent. And I know they're the ones that know Rob the most.

He's so crazy. Like, every night before he'd go to bed,

he'd take a yellow Post-It

-and write, in like the neatest writing... -[Adrienne] What was he writing?

-[Khlo�] He was writing a to-do list... -For the next day.

-Like, nothing... -[Khlo�] Remember when you hugged him

and he thought there was glitter on his suit?

You hugged him one day and you got, like, blush on his shoulder.

Oh, my God, when we got back in the car, he was like...

[inhales angrily] Vroom, vroom!

He was like "argh", like the whole way home.

No. He has, like, obsessive-compulsive disorder. So OCD.

[Khlo�] We were just talking about this.

Oh, my gosh, with everything.

-With everything. -[Khlo�] He's a little baby.

He's a bitch.

Rob is the most obsessive-compulsive...

neat freak on the planet.

If Scott has, like, a bottle of water, when he's done, he'll just be like...

-[chuckles] Throw it on the floor. -[phone ringing]

[Kourtney] Hey, I just hung up with Lisa,

and I was like, you know, "Have you seen any of the pictures?"

And she said they wouldn't show them to her.

Yeah. No, I know. I saw that you e-mailed it to her.

Okay, bye.

Kourt, isn't this what your manager should be doing?

You shouldn't be calling, approving pictures.

I mean, that's like, they bring that to you,

and then you just check, check, check, check, check.

[Khlo�] See, mom would be doing all of this for you,

but since you're not talking to her, you know, Mom...

[clicks tongue] can't help you.

[Khlo�] Kourtney literally has no emotion.

She's a cold hearted snake,

she does not care about other people's feelings,

and once you tick her off, it's like, there's no turning back.

Mom's been calling you, she's trying to make it right,

and you just ignore her.

So how could she make up for something that she did wrong?

Everyone make mistakes. Are you that perfect that you can't accept it?

Obviously.

-Alright, I can't talk about this anymore. -[Khlo�] Well, then I feel bad for you.

Get over it.

[door closes]

-[Rob] What up? -[Adrienne] Hi, baby!

Did you play basketball?

-Yeah. -[Adrienne] Yeah!

-I'm so sleepy. -[Rob] I see you cleaned up a little bit.

Yes, I did.

I'm starving.

I just came from dance rehearsal, I'm like...

made myself whatever's the quickest thing I could find.

[Rob] Use a frickin' coaster.

This is disgusting.

Babe, put this stuff away.

[Adrienne] Baby, I'm not finished eating.

Yeah, but you said you just cleaned, right? And...

[Adrienne] I did clean. I wiped down everything and I just got back...

Now you're gonna have to wipe down again.

So, I come home and... Adrienne is eating on the couch,

of course, making a mess.

Yeah, this is annoying, I have to rip this paper off, for real.

-[faucet running] -You gotta learn to do what I do.

Rob automatically starts pointing out...

what's wrong in the apartment... what's dirty, what's not in place...

I live here too, I'm making my house rules too.

Starting with how about we not hear your voice so much?

How about I could've been down at the USC,

-way out of... way out of the way. -I could've been in New York,

where my mom's perfectly fine with the way I live.

-[Rob] She cleans up for you, too. -That is not true. I keep...

[scoffs] I can't even take you right now.

-You're honestly... I can't... -You want me to call her?

No, I don't care. Okay, my mom helps me out,

but she doesn't do everything for me.

I wasn't raised with a maid like you.

I know how to clean, I know how to cook, I know how to...

keep a household together, and I'm starting to think that...

maybe we moved in a little too soon.

-Well, the crumbs are all on here. -Great, you could clean them up,

since you love cleaning so much, you can clean it up

-and you can figure it out yourself. -[Rob] I'm gonna have someone come.

-A house cleaner. -Okay, Rob.

[Adrienne] Maybe I'll just go back to New York.

-[Rob] You're making marks on the wall. -[Adrienne] Alright, bye-bye.

[***]

-[doorbell rings] -[door opens]

-[Rob] Hey, Kim. -Hey, Rob.

What are you doing?

-I just got into a fight with Adrienne. -Why?

I don't know, she like, just stormed out of the apartment.

Adrienne's gone. I have no idea where she went

and I'm very worried about where she is.

Why do you think?

Do you think it's because you guys are spending way to much time together

now that you guys live together?

[sighs] I don't know, she's all up in my space.

Like, her make up will be

-on my bathroom cou... -[Kim chuckles]

Like, my side. Or like, her hair extension...

Your side? You guys live together.

-There's no sides. -Yeah, but there's two sinks.

I just... I don't know.

-[Kim] Well... -I don't know why I'm,

like, being such an ass [bleep], but...

Rob needs to realize that

he's now living with someone else.

They might not be as clean as he is.

He needs to just chill out.

[Kim] This is like your first grown up relationship and you have to just...

-Yep. -...make compromises.

So you really need to think about...

how you're gonna compromise.

You don't even need to have a huge talk,

I would just apologize and make it better.

[Khlo�] Come on, guys.

[Khlo�] My mom and Kourt are still not talking to each other,

so I came up with an idea.

-Hey, Kourt! -[Kourtney] Hey, Klo.

We are gonna sneak Kris into the house so Kourtney is forced to talk to her.

Do you want to go get a snacky from downstairs? Kimmy's here.

What kind of snack do you have in mind?

I'm kind of nervous 'cause I'm scared Kourtney'll beat me with her little palms.

I'm gonna make a little snack.

Hey, Kourt.

Hey, Kourt!

So, Khlo� goes upstairs, I'm downstairs, sneaking my mom in the kitchen.

All we wanna do is get Kourtney and my mom in a room together.

I'm gonna make a little...

-Kissel? -Snack.

Hey, Kourt.

[Kourtney] Look who's hiding in the kitchen.

Desperate Mom hiding there 'cause I won't talk to her.

[chuckling] Are you that desperate?

Yeah, pretty much.

-[Kourtney] What are you guys doing? -You don't call me back.

They brought me over here so I could talk to you.

You know, I just want to get on with this and apologize in person.

-I've been working so hard... -Kourtney, any normal manager

is not going to have you and only you as a client.

[Kris] I have a big surprise for you,

'cause I wanna prove to you that I can be a really good manager.

And today I got on the phone

and I got you a three to four page spread in Maxim magazine...

-that pays crazy. -[Khlo�] Yeah!

-So, yay. -[clapping]

-I wanted you to be really excited. -[Khlo� whooping]

I'm not just gonna forgive you because of those things though.

-Oh, my God. -And we'll move on from it.

-We can move on? -Yes.

[yelling] Oh, my God, we can move on!

-[Khlo�] Hug your mom and manager! -Whoo!

-[Khlo�] Hug her! -[Kris] We can move on!

[Kourtney] Maybe I have been a cold hearted snake.

It's not healthy and it's not nice. People make mistakes.

I definitely need to be more forgiving.

-I love you guys. -[Khlo�] Mom, you're so lame!

-[Adrienne] Hi. -Hey, baby.

I missed you.

-[Adrienne moans] -[Rob] My little girl, little girl.

What did you do?

What is this ambience situation we have going on here?

Sit down, princess.

Are you serious?

[Adrienne] Rob has been leaving me voice messages.

I think I kinda freaked him out.

I see you left a little mess over there.

-[Rob] Yeah. -[Adrienne] Little bit of a mess.

Is that a bad thing?

No.

I have been really stupid about the whole thing.

I've been way to anal.

I gotta make some changes.

I'm really sorry for being crazy psycho.

It's just really different, so you gotta like, you know, bear with me.

[Adrienne] I'm totally down to learn how to do his things his way and...

I decided to go to The Container Store.

Remember how you had this at the dorm? There were like black ones, though.

-I got 'em, some in like, cream colors. -[Rob] Oh, yeah.

You can put all the shoes in there.

-[Rob] Those are real good. -Yeah. Like...

Thank you very much.

-[Adrienne] Thank you. -Thank you. Thank you, baby.

-I love you. -I love you, too.

Now that all the drama is done and I've forgiven my mom,

I definitely feel much happier with her,

not only as my manager, but as my friend.

[man] Right there. Beautiful. Right, like that. That's it.

That's it. Right there. Just subtle changes.

Yeah, I love all that. Hold it, hold it. Let me get it.

* Strut my stuff *

* Hey, hey *

* When I strut my stuff *

Yay!

* Well, you could watch from far away *

You redeemed yourself.

Thank you. I love you, Kourtney.

* Strut my stuff *

[Kim] Next on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...

Your total is 19,723.

She's got a problem.

I can do whatever I want.

That's what an alcoholic would say.

Might you consider starring in one of these

"I'd Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur" campaigns?

I don't know if people wanna see me naked.

Don't you think you could loose a few pounds?

-[woman] Take it off. -I don't feel comfortable doing that.