Original subtitles

[Khlo�] Kourtney, that is the ugliest nail file I've ever seen.

[Kourtney] It's like glass, I've never seen such a thing.

[Khlo�] I can't handle that glass noise.

[Kourtney] I know, it's pretty awkward.

I don't know how to do my bangs.

[Kim] Wait, so you guys, I cannot believe my one year anniversary

is coming up so soon, and I have no idea what to get for Reggie.

I don't know, like do I get jewelry?

Yeah, what about like a nice watch or something?

Why don't you get him a leopard?

-A leopard? -[Kourtney] Why do you get...

I would want a leopard, I hope someone would buy me one.

[Kim] I don't know, maybe I should do something,

kind of like a calendar, like, just for him.

-That's cute. -OK, we'll have like a football look.

Valentine's Day I feel like will be something cute and red.

-March, you have to wear like a green... -St. Patrick's Day.

No March is his Birthday.

So birthday cakes surrounding you,

-sprinkles, cupcakes in a circle. -[Kourtney] All over.

Oh, I was gonna say in my birthday suit.

Just kidding. [laughs]

[Bruce] All right, we're ready.

No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys... is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, go on!

Yeah, I need someone to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

I'm here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

[Kim] Stop! Jealous?

-[Bruce] Stop! -[Kris] That's enough.

[man 1] All right, you guys.

-[man 2] That's it! We're done. -[man 3] Money.

[receptionist] Welcome to American Laser Centers, how are you?

[all] Good, how are you?

[Kim] So if I'm gonna do a calendar,

I have to be in the best shape possible,

and I work out all the time,

but I have a little bit of cellulite.

We have a couple of different options that you can do.

We have skin tightening, we have photo facial,

we have laser hair removal, and then we have our Velashape. So, um...

[Khlo�] She needs whatever could remove the cellulite from her ass.

[receptionist] That's the Velashape. You'll love it.

-We need to start now. -[receptionist] Absolutely.

It might be a long treatment.

[receptionist laughs]

When you have a big butt, it kind of comes along that you have

cellulite and other ripples and things.

Look at that! She needs to do it there.

What should I do? Like, if I have it kind of everywhere.

[woman] Yeah, we can do the bottom of the thigh and then a part of your butt.

Yeah.

[Kim] So should I take these underwear off?

No, I mean what do you wanna do, show your whole va-g?

So this cellulite removal process

is this big huge machine

that basically gives you a massage.

[Khlo�] I'm just excited to watch.

Oh, my God, that looks so weird.

What does it feel like?

Feels like someone's like sucking on my thigh.

-[laughing] -It tickles,

but it's hot at the same time.

[Kourtney] It looks like you're having a twitch.

[Kim] I wish I had this twitch all the time.

[Khlo�] Ooh, Kim, your thigh is so meaty.

This is almost like watching a porno,

-you can't take your eyes off. -[Kim laughs]

[Kourtney] He's meeting with him tomorrow to just see what he says,

what he has to say.

[Bruce] What are you guys talking about?

This guy that called Scott about...

[Khlo�] A jewel that wants him to work for him at this car place.

-Oh, really? -[Khlo�] Hm-hm.

Like get a job?

A real job.

What do you... you don't have a job.

I work all the time.

Doing what, playing golf?

No, how do you think we have all of this?

Are you a male prostitute?

[both laugh]

These girls don't think I work all the time, but you know what?

I work out of the house. I do my speaking, I represent companies,

I'm traveling all the time.

I work hard.

I think you should go to one of Bruce's speeches,

where he goes and he motivates sales forces.

Kourtney and Khlo� don't have a clue

as to what Bruce really does and speaks about when he goes out

and does his motivational speeches.

And I think that they can really gain a lot

from listening to one of Bruce's speeches.

He's giving a speech this week in Orange County.

Why don't you guys go, it's nice and local.

That's not a funny joke.

You need to get serious about life and come to my presentation,

-that's all there is to it. -Why?

We own two businesses.

[Kris] Everybody needs a little energy in their lives,

a lot of people really look up to him to inspire them to be better.

[Kourtney] I wanna see.

Now, have I got you going?

[Kourtney] Now I'm ready.

[Kris] He earned the title "The World's Greatest Athlete"!

-Are you coming? -[Kris] They're coming.

Kourtney and I are going to drive to Orange County

and listen to Bruce speak.

The only reason why we're going is because my mom is forcing us.

-Hi, Kim, how are you? -Hi, how are you?

Nice to meet you.

-I'm so excited to shoot you today. -Me too.

I'm shooting with Troy Jensen,

who is amazing,

he's doing my hair, my makeup,

and he's the photographer.

[Troy] I might have them put just a bottom on you, or like a skirt.

Hm-hm.

No top, and you're just doing something, or just a top.

Reggie has no idea and I'm so excited.

[camera clicking]

[Troy] Right there, beautiful, I like that.

Right there, yeah, just like that.

Yeah, I wanna see a little bit more, yeah, exactly, right like that.

Look at me, beautiful, I love it.

It can be loosened a little bit.

You can loosen it a little bit.

[Kim] As long as it's not too coming out.

[laughs]

[Troy] I want you to just play.

Heartbreaker!

Get comfortable. Right there, right there.

Same thing, do a few of those.

Yes, stick, get it on your fingers.

Just put like you're... a little bit in your mouth.

And a little bit more to the side.

I want V legs.

[assistant] Troy, what's the next pose?

[Troy] Give me a second, let me focus.

-[gasp] -[woman] Surprise.

So Reggie surprises me and shows up at my shoot.

I'm really excited to see him,

but I... I kind of hope that it doesn't ruin the surprise.

Um, he thinks it's just for some other magazine,

so, I'm gonna let him think that.

[Troy] And lean forward a little bit more.

Just like that, don't move. Put your leg back up.

Remember, bright eyes. Baby eyes.

Right there, don't move, look away where you were.

You gotta keep your legs really close.

Can you do it where you're holding your hair up?

Right there, that's where I want you.

[Kim] Reggie's a little uncomfortable with the sexiness of the shoot,

but little does he know,

this shoot is just for his eyes only.

How cool does my makeup look though?

-[Troy] Gorgeous. -[Kim giggles]

[Troy] And there's something about them that so intimate.

[camera clicks]

[Kim] Hey, babe.

Babe.

What are you doing?

I just got done talking on the phone, what's up?

Are you upset about the photo shoot?

Just, you know, I'm not comfortable but

don't worry about it, I'll be all right.

[Kim] It's kinda cute that he's a little uncomfortable

when little does he know

that he has nothing to worry about.

I don't know, I get...

kinda tired of doing like,

all of these sexy photo shoots,

especially when it's so, like,

bikinis and lingerie.

Well, maybe you shouldn't do them then.

I mean, I think maybe I should get approval over all the photos.

-Oh, really? [giggles] -Yeah.

Oh, you'll get approval all right.

Girls? We gotta go, come on, let's go, up!

Go wake up Kourtney.

It's not just another day, baby, it's another day to excel, let's go!

Get your buns up.

We're burning daylight!

[Khlo�] So this morning Bruce wakes us up,

we are exhausted,

we're so tired,

and we can't believe he really came here to wake us up

so we could go to hear his speech.

Oh, this is going to be a great day, girls.

Going to work with step daddy day.

[Khlo�] Shut the [bleep] up!

-[Sheiva] Hi, Kris, how are ya? -[Kris] Hi, hi!

-Fine, how are you? -Good.

Ugh, the Dylan's candy bar looks so cute.

I know, and the PJ's.

It makes me hungry every time I look at it.

Good, honey, what's going on?

So this mail came for Kim.

-[Kris] Do you know what it is? -Nope.

[Kris] Oh, my. 2008 calendar?

Wow, she must have told me about this, but I forgot!

Kim has so many projects going on now,

that I really have a hard time keeping it all straight.

The last thing I wanna do

is let Kim think that I dropped the ball on something.

-She looks so cute there! -Oh!

-Oh, my God. -Look at her hair.

This is fabulous!

[Khlo�] What are you wearing tomorrow?

[Bruce] The same suit, with the grey shirt, grey tie.

[Khlo�] That is so embarrassing.

Normally I just do the presentation.

You know, but this one,

I gotta do the cocktail party the evening before

and then the next morning is the presentation.

Newport center, we're taking a right.

[Khlo�] Ooh, Fashion Island!

-[Bruce] Yeah! -[Khlo�] They have the best shopping!

-[Bruce] We're driving right by. -Oh, my God!

We're driving right by. Girls, here's the scoop.

These are business people, OK?

I want you to be on your best behavior.

Someone tells me to shut up, I'll tell them to [bleep] off.

[Bruce] OK, these are like business people

they don't use language like that.

We're business people.

[Khlo�] I'm going to be like, "[bleep] you [bleep] ugly monster!

I hate you, you [bleep] business corporate [bleep],

[bleep].

[Bruce] No, let's go, come on.

Be on your best behavior.

[Khlo�] OK, Bruce.

I act amazing.

All right, girls.

Here we go.

[crowd chatter]

Nice to see you, how are you?

-Very good. How are you doing? -Very good.

-Hi, I'm Kourtney. -[man] They change it every month.

-Oh, OK. -It's at a different venue.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

Armenian is the cool thing now. You guys made it cool again.

What do you guys do?

[man] I'm a CPA.

A CPA and a...

-Insurance, I'm an insurance broker. -[Bruce scoffs]

Don't go crazy on the hors d'oeuvres.

Or the drinks.

[Khlo�] Yeah, I agree.

I need a drink.

We are so bored here.

So we decide to make the best of it.

Trust me, this is the most entertaining part

of the entire night.

* That's Hollywood *

* Come and party with the stars... *

[both] Eh, what up, yeah?

Three, four, I declare a thumb war.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Why won't you answer me?

You're like, really hurting my feelings.

[crowd chatter]

What are you girls doing? Girls.

-Very nice to meet you. -Girls, that's not funny.

Time to get out of here.

We gotta go home to our hotel room.

Girls, girls, girls, come on. It's time to go.

-We were just yelling at the... -No, no, it's time to go.

* That's Hollywood! *

[Bruce] I think it was one too many glasses of wine.

When you started fondling with the mannequins I thought,

"You know what? This is a little bit too much.

-I love football players! -We're channeling our inner Kim.

Oh, please. If you don't have appropriate behavior,

maybe you shouldn't even come in the morning.

[Khlo�] To what?

[Bruce] To my presentation, you came all the way down here.

I thought... this wasn't it?

[Bruce] These two girls can't control themselves at a cocktail party,

I'm concerned about how Kourtney and Khlo�

are gonna do tomorrow at my speech.

Khlo�.

-[Khlo�] You know you love us. -This is business.

This is not fooling around. This is not fun and games.

You know you love us. You know you love us.

[Kourtney] Hey, hangover.

Oh, my God, I'm so tired, it's so early.

[Kourtney] So early.

Khlo� and I are so exhausted,

we just want to get this show on the road.

So, Bruce, hurry it up when you're talking.

Girls, I told you 6:45. It is now 7:03.

I'm supposed to be there at seven o'clock.

[Khlo�] Well, you know we're girls.

[Kourtney] We need to be fashionably late.

What do you mean, "girls"? So just be responsible with your time.

I'm hung-over, I'm tired.

The last thing I want to do

is to listen to the boring-est man in the world.

[Bruce] Move it, we're already late, let's go.

[female announcer] Ladies and gentleman, Mr. Bruce Jenner!

-[applause] -[horn honks]

[honking continues]

Now I think the deal was

if I drove in in the BMW,

I got to keep the BMW?

Is that... where is the Irvine guys, yeah?

[audience laughs]

I started off as a dyslexic kid.

Failed second grade.

Suffered from terrible low self-esteem.

And what sports did, is it gave me an arena to play in.

To test myself, to grow as a human being.

What has your business done?

The business has done, is given you an arena to play in.

I got my four keys to success.

Gamble, cheat,

lie, and steal.

[audience laughs]

Gamble your best shot.

Dare to take risks.

Cheat.

Cheat those who would have you be less than you are.

Surround yourself with positive people. Uplifting people.

People who wanna see you do well.

[Khlo�] Bruce starts his speech

and he's actually an amazing story teller.

I didn't know he could articulate himself this well,

and be so into every word he's saying.

I'm really impressed.

Seriously think about your life

and the decisions that you've made in your life.

Gotta make some concrete gut-wrenching decisions

about where you wanna go.

[cell phone rings]

Hello.

-[Rob] Kim. -Yeah?

-I'm dying right now. [chuckles] -What?

I'm at the, uh, newsstand

and, um,

there's a calendar.

It says, "2008 Calendar,"

and you, with your face on it,

and you have your finger in your mouth.

What?

I don't have a calendar.

Yes, you do.

And you're all in lingerie.

Wait, where are you?

The newsstand on Laurel.

This makes no sense.

You have a birthday cake with your finger in your mouth.

Oh, my God.

That's the one that I made for Reggie.

I'm so confused.

Oh, my God.

I bet you Mom took my calendar.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna kill her.

Please make sure that you buy them all.

All of them?

Buy all the calendars,

and call me as soon as you're done.

I'm gonna call Mom, I'm gonna call Mom.

So, my first instinct is my mom.

My mom definitely has something to do with this.

[Liz] Hey, Kim.

Hi, Liz, it's Kim. Is my mom there?

No, I'm not sure exactly where she is.

She's not answering her phone.

-[cell phone rings] -Yo.

[Kim] Rob, mom's not answering her phone.

I'm gonna go to the store right now.

I'm gonna find out where else the calendars are.

This is what she does.

My thoughtful gift, she tries to make, you know, money off of it.

My mom could potentially ruin my anniversary present

if I don't get these all back.

I'm so pissed

and I'm gonna literally kill her.

-Mom. -[Kris] Hey, Kim.

What did you do with my calendars?

What do you mean?

The calendar that I made for my boyfriend

for our one year anniversary?

Uh-oh.

I had no idea

I wasn't supposed to be doing this calendar project.

I didn't know they were for Reggie,

you had pictures delivered here that said to you.

As you manager

I open any kind of a box that comes here.

I don't think I did anything wrong, Kim.

You're always telling me that I have these missed opportunities,

I'm not acting quick enough on anything that you do.

Where did you distribute them to?

-Where? -Well, right now they're down

at the Laurel Park News, the Laurel Canyon News stands...

-[Kim] Where else? -They're at Handmade Galleries...

-[Kim] Where else? -And that's all for right now.

I thought I was doing a really great thing.

And I thought I really...

I mean, I was really proud of myself that I got 'em here in like 12 hours...

You weren't, and you need to ask and you need to be in communication,

this is exactly what I'm talking about...

You're the one who left me out of the loop, Kim...

We have no communication, we have no...

[Kim] You're the one who left me out of the loop.

[Kim] Oh, my God, I need to go and get all my photos.

OK.

[Bruce] Credit in life goes not to the critic

who stands on the sideline and points out where the strong stumble.

But rather the real credit in life

goes to the person who is actually in the arena.

And finally...

always believe...

in the power of you.

Let's make it a great year, 2008 how's that sound?

Thank you very much, my pleasure!

[applause]

-Yeah! Yeah! -[Bruce] Thank you!

It was amazing.

I'm really blown away by Bruce's speech.

After listening to him talk

it really makes me wanna chase my dreams

just like Bruce chased his.

-Bruce. -What?

-Uh... -That was really cool!

That was really not as boring as I thought it was gonna be.

-[scoffs] You mean, I'm not boring? -No, I loved that!

No, I wanna build my own center from scratch.

-Yes. -Me, Kourtney,

you and I same page!

Same page! [laughs]

-Yes, same page. -Well this is good.

-Hey. -[Kim] Hey.

So I'm running around

from store to store. News stand, bookstores

and buying every calendar back.

All right 30 of them at $14.95,

$485.50.

-Thank you so much! -[man] There's candy for all of you.

-Oh, thank you. -Do you need candy?

Let's find these.

-That's a lot of calendars. -[Rob] Yeah.

It's gonna be $194.

Seriously?

It's so embarrassing.

Hi.

Rob and I got...

hopefully every single calendar.

This is all my mom's fault and somehow I'm gonna get her back.

This is costing me more money than her.

[register beeps]

What's wrong?

Kim is a piece of work.

She just doesn't appreciate all the work that I do for her.

And it makes me just sad sometimes. I get just really down.

She gets my energy down.

It's like, "Hello, what's wrong with that?"

Don't have anything to say about that?

Because you're a kid.

-And you're sweet. -I do have something to say.

-What? -Your boob is really squishy,

your boob is really squishy!

Your boob is really squishy.

Your boob is squishy!

[Kylie yells]

[Kris] You're like, psycho child.

[Kim] Hi, Mom.

See what I've been spending my day doing.

This was something that was private for Reggie and I.

You think that people are gonna understand that March,

me holding a birthday cake has anything to do with the month of March?

Well, Robert's birthday is in March too, Kim.

[Rob] Yeah, but she wouldn't have her finger in her mouth

sucking cake.

All I was trying to do was surprise you with what I thought

was a really great idea.

If one person gets this calendar besides Reggie

then my whole gift is ruined.

Did you have to pay $14.95 a piece?

-Yes, I did. -Did you ask for a group discount?

Mom, it's not funny.

OK, I get that now, Kim.

And I... and I'm sorry,

I can't take it back.

Hey, babe. Did you get the calendar?

Yeah, I got the calendar I loved it.

Hanging up on my refrigerator now.

I'm so glad that Reggie loves the calendar

and I'm just so relieved

that my mom didn't ruin the surprise.

I got you good, didn't I?

You got me really good. I had no idea, I was pretty surprised.

I love you.

All right, call me later, I love you.

-All right, love you too. -OK, bye.

[Khlo�] He's actually a really good speaker

and he's very articulate and like,

people are like captivated.

-It's great because nobody's... -[Kourtney] It's shocking.

....captivated by what I say around here.

I just wanna say all you kids,

I'm extremely proud of you because you all know where you're going.

You all have good direction and you all have very good work ethics.

-The speech actually... -[Bruce] No, I appreciate that.

Made me want to like, take things to the next level.

-Like, clothing lines. -Yeah!

Khlo� and I are really proud of Bruce

and we're actually a little bit motivated.

And thanks to Mom,

calendars for everyone!

[Bruce] Wow, this is what we need.

-Put it up. -Dorm room!

Dorm room!

[Kourtney] Trash can!

[Bruce] Oh, my God! Kimberly!

[Khlo�] At the end of the day, I'm just trying to make a dollar.

-Who do you look like here? -[Kim] I have no idea.

[Bruce] Amy Winehouse.

Doesn't she look like Amy Winehouse there?

[Kris] She does, I swear

-I was thinking the same thing. -You know the big question Kim is,

what did Reggie think of your calendar?

[Kim] He loved it.

It's hung up in the locker room.

It should be called, "The Tush."

-[Kourtney] For the Bush and the tush. -[Khlo�] Bush and the Tush.

[Kourtney] The Bush for the Tush.

Did you tell him how mom tried to scam you for... a couple bucks?

Don't give me that look, Kim.

Payback is a bitch.

Last year, I set up a photo shoot for my mom.

The pictures were kinda racy,

really sexy.

My mom definitely needs a dose of her own medicine.

[phone rings]

-Hello? -[Kim] Hey, Mom.

Remember that picture, that photo that's in your closet?

Kim, that's not really very funny. Where's the picture?

Five thousand dollars and it's all yours.

This isn't funny, Kim!

Love you, Mom.

[Kim] Next on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...

[Kim] Reggie is doing this pool tournament in New Orleans.

[Bruce] You know, it's time for a romantic

few days with my wife.

I'm gonna get her nude and chase her around the house.

[woman] This is what we have left.

[Kim] Their living in a FEMA trailer

as big as my bedroom.

-They have like, nothing. -We should help them.