Original subtitles

[Khlo�] * I have mail *

* I have mail *

* I have mail *

* At the house *

[Bruce] What is it?

If I knew what it was, I wouldn't have to open it now, would I?

Well, open it.

[Khlo�] At my mom's house

we always get the weirdest deliveries for DASH.

And I'm opening up a package that's there for me thinking,

it's a regular, just delivery.

[Bruce] What did you order?

I didn't order this. This is condoms!

[Bruce] You ordered condoms?

For what?

[Khlo� laughs]

Oh, it teaches you how to put condoms on.

-That's great. -[Kylie] Wait, what?

[Bruce] No, no, no, girls, get out of here.

You're too young for this stuff.

Ew.

Bruce, do you need one?

No, I'm fine.

You know what you should buy Mom for Christmas?

A vibrator.

Don't think she doesn't have one, Khlo�.

Where... Oh, my God! Let's look for Mom's vibrators.

-Does Mom really have one? -[Kourtney] She does.

Should we go look?

-Does Mom really have one? -[Bruce] No, I don't think she does.

[Kourtney] Yes, she does, I know for a fact.

[Bruce] She doesn't have one!

[laughing]

[Kourtney] Big and black.

Like a dildo?

[Kourtney] It is.

[Khlo�] Do you think she used it?

We'll know by the way it smells.

[both laughing]

I told you she didn't have one.

[Khlo�] Bruce does not believe that she has a vibrator,

so now it is becoming that we're proving a point to Bruce.

[Khlo�] Hey, Kris.

[Kris] Hi, doll.

Where's your vibrator that Shelly gave you?

[Kris] Uh...

I don't think I have it anymore.

[Bruce laughs]

That is such ********,

she has one, it's hiding

and she doesn't want Bruce to know.

Do you have any dildos?

[Kris] I'm fresh out of those too, doll.

I was right!

I told them you didn't have one!

[Bruce] All right, we're ready.

No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys... is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, go on!

Yeah, I need someone to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

I'm here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

[Kim] Stop! Jealous?

-[Bruce] Stop! -[Kris] That's enough.

[man 1] All right, you guys.

[man 2] That's it! We're done.

[man 3] Money.

[Kris] Kendall, what do you want for breakfast, honey?

[Bruce] Kendall, what do you want?

[Kendall] I don't know, Dad.

Let's keep it moving. Well, do you want your waffle?

No, you make them really bad.

[Kris] Kendall, that's not nice.

Are you turning into a teenager?

[Kendall] No, I don't want a waffle.

[Kris] You want me to make you pancakes, Kendall?

Kendall?

-What? -Hello?

What?

Kendall's really starting to cop this major attitude with me.

Come on, get off the counter please.

She's definitely starting to change.

No matter what we talk about,

Kendall's upset.

And all these changes are really familiar to me,

'cause I've been through this three other times.

Now, did you get the lunch tickets yesterday?

[Kendall] I forgot!

You forgot to buy you and your sister lunch tickets?

Oh, Kendall, you know what?

[phone ringing]

Hello?

-[Tracie] May I speak with Kris, please? -This is she.

Hi, Kris, this is Tracie Hawkins

from the Los Angeles Sparks Ole Skool Crew Dancers.

Oh, hi, Tracie. Are you looking for Kim?

[laughs] No, actually, Kris ,

we are looking for you, girl.

I get this call from a woman, Tracie,

who's the head of the Ole Skool Dance Team.

[Tracie] We dance to old school jams.

Old school dance moves.

A group of over 40 women,

who dance at halftime

for the LA Sparks basketball games.

So what do you want me to do?

Well, we would love for you to come and audition.

Like, I'm going to be a cheerleader?

I wanted to be a cheerleader in high school

and right before cheerleading tryouts,

I got a bad grade on my math test.

When you get bad grades in high school,

you don't get to cheerlead.

So I missed out on that,

but right now, I've got another shot at it in life.

-Do you have uniforms? -We do.

Wow, this is sounding better all the time.

[both laugh]

Okay, well, Tracie, I'll call you back.

-Bye-bye. -Thanks.

[Kris] Hey, guys,

I got the craziest phone call today.

This lady called me

and said she's the Director

of the LA Sparks Women's Basketball Dance Team.

[Khlo�] They want Kim to be a cheerleader?

No, they want me to be in it...

-...'cause it's 40 and up. -[Kourtney] No way.

-Yeah, right. -[Bruce] You've got to be kidding.

You weren't even a cheerleader in high school, honey.

[Kim] When my mom tells us that

she's gonna audition to be a cheerleader,

we're thinking she's absolutely psycho.

She's like, way too old

to be wearing short skirts

and dancing.

I asked her if they had uniforms

and she said they have black spandex.

-Camel toe! -[Kourtney] Tight, tuck and pull!

[all laugh]

Bruce, do you know that Mom has a camel toe?

What's a camel toe?

-You don't know what a camel toe is? -[Kourtney] Don't talk about this.

Oh, when it goes up like this or what?

[Kourtney] When it goes up your crotch.

[all laugh]

[Bruce] That's sick!

[girls laugh]

-[Khlo�] Ken. -[Kendall] Yeah?

Can you just help me put some of this stuff away?

Why?

[Kourtney] Have you ever done a chore before in your life?

-No. -You need to do something.

No.

[Khlo�] It's not cute to be a brat.

[Khlo�] Normally, Kendall's so helpful.

So it's kinda weird to see Kendall

just kind of spaz out.

[Kendall] Kim, what are you doing on my computer?

I'm just trying to find these pictures that I downloaded.

[Kendall] You can look at them later, get out.

Haven't you read the sign in the front of my door?

I'm just really shocked that I see Kendall having

more of an attitude than I ever would've imagined.

[beeping]

Kendall, stop!

Kendall, get out of my room!

Sure.

Kendall!

[beeping continues]

I just think Kendall's going through that teenager time,

where she's coming into her own

and it's awkward

and she doesn't really know what's going on.

[Khlo�] Maybe she's about to go through that womanly change

and become just like us.

[Kourtney] Probably.

Kylie, do you know what a period is?

Yeah, when blood comes out of your vagina.

[laughs] Kylie!

[Kourtney] Kylie, being younger than Kendall,

is actually more comfortable

talking about...

woman issues

and Kendall seems a little bit more

uncomfortable talking about those kind of things.

[Khlo�] Okay, do you know which one is which?

[Kylie] This is a little thing you stick up your vajay-jay.

Do you know what they're called?

This is a...

Tampon.

Tampon, exactly.

And that?

-Is that... -It's the pad.

[Khlo�] I know, if a ten-year-old has these questions,

obviously a 12-year-old must.

So, I feel like I should be forcing Kendall to sit down.

How do you use a tampon?

Go get me a pair of panties.

[Kylie] Okay.

-[Kris] Hi, how are you? -[Receptionist] Good, how are you?

[Kris] I'm here to see Tracie.

-Tracie, okay, hold on one second. -Thank you.

[Kris] So, I'm going to meet with Tracie from the Ole Skool Dance Team

and I'm a little bit nervous

because I have to audition.

Hello, how are you?

You must be Tracie.

I am, how are you, Mr. Jenner?

I give you, a dancing virgin.

-All right. -Hi, Tracie, how are you?

-How are you? -The virgin right here.

-How are you? -So nice to meet you.

My pleasure.

[Kris] I don't know what they're going to ask me to do

and I've got to step it up

to kind of meet their standards.

Good morning, everybody.

Hi, I'm Kris.

[applause]

[Kris] Hi. I am so nervous, oh, my gosh.

[female dancer] Don't be nervous.

[Bruce] I think it's pretty funny,

Kris is actually nervous about this.

Whether she makes the team or not.

You don't just take a team of people

and then stick some new person in there.

-Come on, just get in there and do it. -See if you could help me...

You got such a sense of rhythm, babe.

Oh, you are a geek.

[Kris] Bruce, you're embarrassing me, stop it.

-Come on. You got to get into it. -Don't do that.

[laughs] Stop it.

[Bruce] Here's a little trivia,

when I graduated from high school and they have the "ideal senior".

You know, in the yearbook.

I got best dancer.

[dance music plays]

[cheering]

Come on!

Come on!

Come on!

I also got most athletic and best-looking,

so, but I don't know, that's,

that's a whole 'nother story.

Class is over!

-[laughing] -[clapping]

-[woman] Yeah, baby! -[Tracie] Are we ready?

[Kris] I'm ready.

[instructor] First thing, you run, further apart.

I say, "Yo Mo mix it, you ready?"

Then I go...

Oh, my!

[class laughs]

-Now you have to do that part with me. -[Kris] I do?

-Uh-huh. -[Kris] Oh, okay, got it.

[instructor] Okay, we're going across the floor.

-[Kris] Okay. -You have your pants,

and you're gonna be moving

all the way across.

I don't have a lot of dance background and experience

in what we're doing here today.

Okay, and you've gotta have your hand go...

Yeah!

You have to have a little bit of rhythm

and a little bit of, you know, movement.

-You're down. -I go down first?

-Uh-huh. -And then I go up...

All of which I had clearly have none of.

Yo, Mo mixer, you ready?

Bust it!

[instructor] Six, seven and eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight.

I'm blowin' it!

[Kris] There's so many moves to learn

and all this information

into my body

is not coming out the way that I'd hoped it would.

Five, six, seven, eight, pose!

[Kris] Dang it, you guys!

This is just, my brain is too old!

[Kris] I totally blew it and messed up.

It's like, "What are they gonna say?"

I know they're gonna be critical,

and it's freaking me out.

-These girls, they're really good. -Yeah, I know they are,

-but you're holding your own. -It's stressing me out.

-I'm not holding my own. -Yes, you are.

-I don't think she quite knows it yet. -Yeah, I would agree.

-She needs more practice obviously. -Yeah.

I'm just so nervous. What if they don't let me dance?

What if they say you're not hired?

[Kris] Okay, so what do ya think?

It was good performance.

We think that you're a great dancer.

You have great charisma,

but you need a little bit of work.

-A little practice. -Yeah. Okay.

So we would love to have you at our game.

-Mm-hm. -Would you be willing to practice?

-Yeah, I totally would practice. -The ladies will come out and help you.

[Kris] I'm so shocked that they want me to be a part of the team

and so excited

that they're gonna give me another chance,

because I really thought I blew it.

You know what we oughta do is get you some little, uh,

-behind the scenes kinda training. -Mm-hm.

Yeah, call Cris.

Cris Judd is one of my closest friends

and a fabulous choreographer.

He's worked for tons of pop-stars.

-He's my secret weapon. -I know.

[both] Cris Judd.

[Kim] Kendall was giving me such an attitude last night.

[Kourtney] Oh, my God, me too!

She kicked me out of her room yesterday.

[Bruce] Well, she won't give me a hug anymore.

I try to hold her hand...

[Kim] Are you serious?

And she pulls it away.

Going into school,

she wants me, like, ten feet behind her.

[Kim] Kendall is growing up

and that's the one thing Bruce didn't want to happen.

And I think that

he's just like heartbroken inside.

[Bruce] I've been through this process before.

It's called hormones.

[Bruce] It is called hormones.

Puberty!

[Bruce] I didn't want it to happen,

but it's happening again.

[Bruce] I don't know if this is a subject for me.

Little girl's growing up,

it's nice to have these older girls

that can kinda teach them about... the first period,

the changes, all these types of things.

And you know what I think in this case?

It's probably best for

them to handle this, not me.

This is, like, too much.

Can I trust you girls to, uh,

handle this whole hormone thing?

-To give good information? -[Kim] Yeah, I mean, we're

the big sisters, it's better us do it than...

All of her questions will be answered

in complete and utter detail.

[Bruce] That is scary.

She needs to know.

[Bruce] Handle it, I know you can do it.

[Kourtney] We've got it, dude.

[Cris Judd] All right, five, six, seven,

eight... and boom, boom.

Bah, bah.

That's it!

-[Kris] He-he! -See, you're getting it.

All right.

-You're gonna kill this routine. -Okay.

I think Cris explaining to me

how to really do these moves

is so much easier for me to understand.

[Cris] Boom, boom. That's it.

Suddenly, I'm beginning to get it.

He explains why one move, you know,

leads right into the next

and my confidence goes through the roof.

[Cris] Let's go over it again.

And five, six, seven, eight,

and a one and a two and three, four,

five, six, seven... boom!

One and two and three and four

and five and six and seven... snap!

One and two and three and four

and five and six and seven, look!

One and two and three and four,

five, six, seven, eight.

And push, push, push,

push and da,

da, boom, boom, up!

-[Kris] How was that? -[Cris] That was really good.

[Kris] I felt good about that.

Okay, and then it's...

Hop, hop, hop.

-[Kris] Oh, ****! -[loud thud]

Oh, my God!

-Are you okay? -Oh, ****!

[Kylie] I'm calling 9-1-1!

[Kris] I just totally, totally,

****** up my knee!

[Kris] Just as I feel...

like I'm getting all of the moves down

and all I need to do is really put it together,

one after the other, I fall.

And I just get really mad.

It's like I have all this anger towards my own body.

For kinda, giving out.

And I don't have any control!

-Hey, how you doing? -[Kris] Hi, guys.

[Cris] Yeah, she felt her...

She felt her knee pop.

-[paramedic] Okay. -[Kris] Yeah, so we put some ice on it.

I feel like a rubber band just snapped.

[paramedic] Okay.

Let me pull up your knee real quick. Be careful.

That's getting all swollen in there.

It feels like there's a lot of fluid or something.

[paramedic] Does that hurt?

-Yeah. -That hurts?

All right, we'll go ahead and put an ice pack and we'll wrap it.

Just hold that here for a minute, thank you.

Ahh.

[paramedic] I do suggest you to see your doctor.

And have them check it out and they have to do X-ray.

I can't tell you exactly what's going on,

because I don't have an X-ray machine.

-So, it's just whatever you want to do. -No, I think...

I think I'll go home.

I'm gonna just lie down and see how I feel for a while.

[paramedic] Okay.

[Kris] If the problem with my knee is really serious

and I miss my next audition with the Ole Skool Crew,

I'm gonna be so disappointed.

[Kourtney] Are you enjoying yourself in here?

[Kendall] Mm-hm.

[Khlo�] Ken, do you think something is going on with you?

I think you just going through hormones.

Do you know what hormones are?

Yeah, but I don't even think it's happening right know.

We're trying to get through to Kendall, but she does not want anything

to do with this conversation.

We wanted to teach you, like,

in case we're not here or you're at school.

You know, we want you to feel comfortable about this thing.

[Kourtney] And it is an embarrassing subject.

Like I said, I got my period when I was 11

and I never told anyone for a year.

We don't want you to be like that.

We want you to be able to talk to big sisters

if you don't want to talk Mommy or Daddy.

[Kourtney] We need to find a way to teach this

to Kendall, so she's prepared.

These are the facts of life.

And comfortable or not,

Kendall's got to hear about it.

[Kris] Hey, honey!

[Bruce] Honey, what did you do?

What did you do to her, Cris?

[Cris] I didn't touch her!

Oh, my poor little baby!

-But you got your glass of wine. -Hi, honey.

[Kris] Cris gets me home

and my knee feels lousy.

[Bruce] Did you hear anything snap?

[Kris] Yeah, I did. It was like a rubber band breaking.

It's not getting any better

and I know that I have to just call the doctor.

[line rings]

[Dr. Korchek] Hello?

-Hey, Dr. Korchek? -Hey, yeah?

It's Kris Jenner.

Hey, Kris, what's up?

Hi, um, well,

I was rehearsing a dance routine

and my whole knee just sort of gave out.

But the pain is so incredible.

You could've torn something inside, obviously.

So, I need to get a scan.

-Okay. -All right, Kris.

-Okay, bye. -Take care.

It really hurts.

[Bruce] I hate to see Kris going through this.

I hope the injury is not that bad.

Uh, I hope that we can rehab it

and get her back in shape, and get her back on the dance floor.

But I think were gonna have to have a doctor look at this one.

-Morning. -Morning.

Morning!

"Admitting," this is it.

[Kris] Hello...

So, I met Dr. Korchek

and he tells me that I need knee surgery,

because I've ripped my meniscus.

[Kourtney] Hey, Mom.

Hi, guys.

I feel really disappointed that I can't audition

for the Ole Skool dance team.

I was really excited about it.

I really felt like I could get it together

and do a good job

and be a part of the team.

[Kourtney] All right, love you, good luck!

-[Khlo�] Love you. -[Kris] Bye.

-[heart monitor beeping] -[Dr. Korchek] All right.

You know, it's tough having my wife in surgery.

[Dr. Korchek] I need the ducklings.

[Bruce] I've been through this before.

Two knee surgeries.

I know how painful and how tough it is.

Hopefully, the recovery is going to be pretty fast.

[Bruce] Hey, Kendall, your mommy made it out of surgery, she's okay.

Oh, that's good.

Yeah, she's in the recovery room right now.

She's kinda having a hard time getting up on her feet,

but, uh, we'll get her on her feet here in a few minutes and get her home.

-Okay. Okay. -All right, well, Mommy's doing fine.

I know you're concerned, tell Kylie.

Okay, love you.

-Love you, buddy, have fun up there. -Bye.

Bye.

-[Kourtney] Hey, Mom! -[Kris] Hi, sweetie.

How are you feeling?

-[Kris] I'm okay. -How's your knee?

It's all right.

Well, we know how much you really wanted

to do your cheerleading thing

and you didn't get it in high school

and this whole charade.

So, we really felt bad.

And we bought you something to fulfill

your little cheerleading needs.

-Ooh, wow! -[laughing]

[Khlo�] Bruce, get excited.

Oh, my God.

"Trashy."

How did you know I always wanted the cheerleader?

The girls, I think, at first,

thought that I was out of my mind

to wanna tryout for this dance troupe,

but at the end of the day,

I realized they're pretty supportive.

[Bruce] Well, I think that's very thoughtful of you girls.

[Kris] You know, I'm not gonna let a little knee surgery keep me down.

I'm not hanging those pom-poms up yet.

I can't think of anything sweeter.

Yeah, yeah, real sweet.

[Khlo�] Okay, everyone!

Kylie, you're my assistant, come here!

Okay!

Well, Kimberly and Kendall, just so you know,

Kylie was asking a lot of questions about periods.

[Khlo�] The time has come to talk to Kendall,

and I can just tell, Kendall is so uncomfortable.

But this is nothing to be embarrassed about.

This happens to every girl.

Now, when you first start your period,

you use a pad, okay?

Kendall is squirming

and just kinda sinking back into the couch.

She's trying not to look in my eyes.

She's trying just to look down at her hands.

Once you become a little more comfortable with your body,

what do we have, assistant?

A tampon.

[Khlo�] What does a tampon do?

It soaks all the blood.

Good job, Kylie!

[Kourtney] And it doesn't hurt.

-It looks like it hurts, but it doesn't. -[Khlo�] It doesn't hurt.

This little sucker? Not so painful.

Okay, we're gonna show you a demonstration...

it opens up like a flower

and catches all the blood. See that?

So, the blood does not leak out of you.

[Kourtney] Kendall is, you know,

a little bit uncomfortable with the subject,

but I think that, either way,

she definitely learned something

and knows that she can always come to us

when she has any questions.

Kendall, are you okay?

Are you breathing? Everything good?

-Yes. -Okay.

Sex-ed is not over.

We're gonna watch some home DVDs.

[Khlo�] Since my sisters and I are trying

to teach Kendall and Kylie about their bodies

and all this kind of stuff,

we think it will be really fun if we watch

Kendall's birth video.

[nurse over TV] Push!

[Bruce] Okay, Kendall. Now these are your older sisters, okay?

And someday, you're gonna look at these pictures

and you're gonna say, "Oh, my God!

Look how young they were!"

There's Mommy and Daddy.

-Okay, water broke. -I'm gonna hold it.

Oh, they actually kissed!

[both] Love you.

[nurse] Okay, big breath in.

[doctor] Yeah, and push down again.

Push out.

[girls scream]

No, tell me when we're done.

[Kendall screaming] No!

-[Kourtney laughs] -[baby crying]

[Kim] As were watching Kendall's birthing video,

I see that she's, you know,

loosening up a little bit

and getting a little more comfortable.

I think she's starting to learn a few things.

[groans] Oh!

Mom peed on you!

[Kris] I did not! It's fluid from the sac!

[Kris] I think it's really special to see the birth tapes.

It really reminds me how fast

Kendall and Kylie are growing up.

[Bruce] There you go. See, look at those eyebrows, huh?

[Kris] One minute, they're in diapers

and the next minute,

the house turns into, like, this war-zone.

[Bruce] Kendall's got a new outfit on.

* I remember on that day *

* The world is finding out *

* You were just a prayer *

* It seems so easy... *

[Bruce] There you are, finally, in your little bed.

Whew! You made it.

All you gotta do now

is grow-up!

Okay, and remember,

when you're a teenager, okay?

I'm still your friend, okay? Bye.

[Kris] Next time on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...

We should totally

set Khlo� up on a...

dating website.

"About me and who I'd like."

-Hi, I'm Sachi. -Justin.

So, are you really Kim Kardashian's sister?

Ugh.