Original subtitles

[Kim] Oh, my God, guys, listen up.

I have an announcement to make.

Did you guys know that I'm, like,

the number one Google search last week?

Oh, my God, Kim shut up! You're so into yourself.

And then yesterday I was the top

AOL search for the whole week.

[Kourtney] Do you also know that you are the number two

on the dumbest people?

[laughs]

From the New York Post.

As long as they're talking about me, honey.

Is there a manicurist on the set tomorrow for Mongo?

I really have no time to get a manicure.

Unless y'all wanna go, I have meetings and stuff,

-I have a photo shoot... -[Khlo� mimicking] I have a photo shoot.

I need a golden egg, Daddy!

Daddy, I want it now!

Sometimes I just don't know how I got stuck

-in this horror movie. -[Khlo�] Willy Wonka.

[Bruce] Kimberly's gotta learn how to deal

with this thing called fame.

The world doesn't revolve around her.

She may think it does.

-You're gonna make me nauseous! -Who cares?

Okay, honestly, my makeup is running down my face!

-Stop! -[Kourtney laughs]

Oh, my God, are you okay?

No!

I think you're getting a little full of yourself, sugar.

[Khlo�] You know why she's the most Googled person?

-Hmm? -Because she's Googling herself.

[Bruce] All right, we're ready.

No, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys... is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, go on!

Yeah, I need someone to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

I'm here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

[Kim] Stop! Jealous?

-[Bruce] Stop! -[Kris] That's enough.

[man 1] All right, you guys.

-[man 2] That's it! We're done. -[man 3] Money.

["Girl of My Dreams" plays]

* You are the girl of my dreams *

* Love me, love me *

I'm finally at a really happy place in my life right now.

Everything from career,

to family is going perfect.

Every night it's a different red carpet event

and different photo shoot.

There's paparazzi everywhere I go now.

We've been doing a lot more together as sisters.

[Kim] Oh, my God, they totally enlarged my boob.

[Khlo�] You could tell they did.

I've, you know,

been dating somebody.

[woman] Santa and Regald!

[Khlo�] Kim is dating Reggie Bush.

They're really happy and serious about each other.

Kim really misses Reggie

because he's always on the road training,

and he just is super, super busy.

[Kris] And I think it's great that she's really, really happy.

[Khlo�] Bye, Reggie!

[Kim] Bye, tight ass!

[both] Tight end, tight ass. Heh.

It looks like two of my girls have found true love.

[Bruce] Scotty's back!

We got another guy in the house, which is great.

[Kris] Scotty, I made you a burger with no cheese.

Yeah, I hear you're lactose intolerant. I didn't know that.

Would that be an imperfection in the gene pool here?

Yeah, but everything else, I look good, so it's fine.

[laughs]

Scott and I have been together for a year now.

-I love you. -I love you.

Everything's going really well,

but I haven't been able

to open up with a guy

since my high school boyfriend.

And it's like the first time that I am

being really honest and affectionate.

I think that we're doing really good.

[Kourtney] You have fun with Dolce.

-Bye, doll. -Bye.

[Kim] I just feel like you guys have no idea what I'm going through,

you have no idea...

[Khlo�] You've become so, like,

up your own ass that you won't even

-give us any attention. -[Kim] I'm not up my own ass,

I'm just really busy doing stuff.

Okay, I have to go meet Scott because

I have his old phone.

Wait, you have his old phone?

It's, like, his phone from four months ago.

Have you gone through it?

I'm not a spy like you psychopaths.

-Okay, but I am. -I'm not a spy.

[laughs] So give me his phone. Come on.

Like, what is the point of this?

What do you mean, "What is the point of this?"

You want to know what your boyfriend's up to.

[Kim] I am queen of 007.

I can break in any phone, I can get any code,

Any... hear any voicemail, I know how to do it all.

Wait, it says,

"Kyra, Model."

What?

-Let me see! -[Khlo�] What?

-Wait, let me see. -It's so funny, when guys write codes.

-I'm like the queen of codes. -Let me see.

-[Khlo�] Is that a Miami phone number? -[Kim] So whatever.

-Miami number. -So that means Miami bitches.

-Ooh! -"Slaw", what is slaw?

-That means... -[Khlo�] Vegas?

-He has a text message... -[Khlo�] Slaw...

...from somebody called, "My wife?"

-[Khlo�] What? -What?

And it says, "I loved looking into your eyes last night."

[Kim gasps]

And then she said,

"Yes, it was great seeing you."

This is when he was in the Hamptons.

[Kim] What?

-Kourtney, let me read it. -Hold on.

Then he wrote to his loser friend,

"I wish I could come to L.A. for a week and not tell Kourt,

but the second we go out she'll know I'm in town."

[Kourtney] I cannot believe Scott

could have cheated on me.

[Khlo�] I'm sorry Kourt, that is not okay.

I'm sick to my stomach that this

could have even happened.

[Khlo�] He's a [bleep],

and you do not need that in your life.

I feel like he's one person when he's with you,

and then he's another person when he's not with you.

I just would never let someone treat me like that.

I just really do not know what to do.

[Kourtney] I think whenever I'm in, like, a crazy

emotional situation,

I definitely

do rely on my sisters

for guidance and support

and just what to do.

You need to break up with him.

[Kim] I think you should say something to him.

[line rings]

-[Scott] Hello? -Hey.

Hey.

So, who is Kyra,

and why are you staring into people's eyes?

What are you talking about?

Kyra who, and staring into someone's eyes?

Why don't you tell me who Kyra is?

Tell me all about her, I'd love to know.

About what, I don't even know what you're talking about!

Unless you're gonna be honest, I have no reason to talk to you again.

Kyra and...

Okay, gotta go.

Call me when you wanna be honest.

I'm so disgusted

and sick right now, I'm leaving.

Are you okay to drive and everything?

[Kourtney] Yes, I just need to go home

and literally go to bed

and never to talk to losers like this again

or associate them in my life.

[Kourtney] I really can't stop thinking

about this whole Scott situation.

The quotes of the phone

keep popping up in my head,

and I just really can't stop thinking about it.

All right, I'm gonna put this in the mailbox.

But the last thing I need

is another annoying person

like my mom to get involved.

So, this is just between Kim, Khlo�, and I.

-[Khlo�] Hi, doll. -[Kourtney] Hey, dolc.

We wanted to know if you wanted to go to lunch with us?

Are you okay? How are you feeling about Scott?

I'm just trying to keep busy and not think about it.

But I just have so much to do.

So I'm gonna have to pass.

[Khlo�] Okay, well...

Kim and I will go eat for ya, like we normally do.

Okay.

Poor little Kourtney is sad and depressed.

[Kim] Cheer up, Charlie.

I don't know if she needs some alone time, or if she's just tired,

I'm kind of concerned.

Feel like we should do something to cheer her up.

Like what?

Like, go on a girl's trip.

Oh, my God, that would be so fun. What's, like, close?

I mean, Cabo's the easiest place.

That's relaxing,

she can totally get her mind off of Scott.

Out of the country, so he can't call.

-He can't talk to her. -Her phone won't work.

Oh, my God, that's perfect!

-That's so perfect. -It's going to be amazing!

[Khlo�] I feel like if we left it up to Kourtney,

Kourtney would sit in her room all weekend

contemplating and thinking about Scott.

So Kim and I come up with the best idea

to take Kourtney to ME Cabo, in Cabo San Lucas.

No Scott allowed!

[upbeat Latin music plays]

What are you guys doing? We're in Cabo.

-Vacations are relaxing. -Kourtney!

They don't always have to be a big fiesta.

I'm not saying we gotta party,

let's just go do things that we wouldn't normally do at home.

This is your trip, let's go.

[screams]

Cheers, honey.

[phone ringing]

[Kris] I've got it!

Hello?

Hi, Kim.

How you doing, how's it going down there?

[Kim on phone] Mom, my hotel situation in Miami

is all screwed up.

A few weeks ago,

Kim asked me to book her a room in Miami for an upcoming event,

but it's been so difficult

trying to get exactly what she wants.

And I'm not going if I'm not having a suite at the Setai!

I want the $2,500 room.

The best room that they have,

the couple bedroom suite.

The particular suite that you requested

has been booked for a year.

I don't care, they need to get that room.

That room needs to magically become available for me,

because I've asked for it a month ago.

You're asking all these things,

and you have all these requests,

and I'm trying to do my best to get done what you really want.

I don't want to stay in a piece of [bleep] hotel.

Like, everything that you book me in Miami

has been the worst hotel ever.

I don't know what's gotten into you lately,

but you should really check your attitude.

You know, she can holler at me,

or raise her voice, or get angry.

I understand she's frustrated,

but don't be a spoiled brat,

because this is how life is. It's not all perfection.

She's so annoying.

I don't think it's asking for too much to stay...

in a nice hotel, in a suite.

Thank goodness I'm not asking for a private plane.

You know, she can't get this attitude stuff.

We're on her team, you know,

we're just trying to make her life, you know, cushy.

Kourt, what are you doing?

Are you texting Scott?

It's nice to be away,

and it's gorgeous in Cabo,

but I really can't stop

thinking about Scott.

I leave you alone for five minutes and look at you.

You're no longer allowed to have your phone.

-Come on! -Chip-chop!

[Khlo�] How do you think that guest bedroom's gonna work out tonight?

Come in handy?

Khlo�, you know that's not my style.

Mm. You never know what happens in Cabo, honey.

Khlo� keeps trying to push me

into hooking up with a guy tonight in Cabo,

and that is not where my head is at, at all.

Look at Fabio.

[laughs]

-That could be your one night stand. -That's Fabio.

[Latin dance music playing]

[Kourtney] Kim and Khlo�, you know,

they're trying to get me to drink and have fun

and dance all night long.

[screaming]

[indistinct complaining]

I think we're having a lot of fun

and the next moment I realize, Kourtney's gone.

I could drink and dance for a little while,

but I just can't stop thinking about this.

I'm just ready to go home

and deal with this situation.

I just called and got the same suite for $1,700

in the three nights that I'm gonna be there.

If you keep going on and on about this room, the problem is...

I have it handled, thanks.

Um, all right, what am I gonna eat? I'm starving.

All I have is a freakin' orange.

Look at how gorgeous these pears are.

These are like, Asian pears, they're fabulous...

Gorgeous, and they taste like crap.

I'm gonna kill her if this attitude continues.

[voicemail] Four new voice messages.

[Scott] Kourt, I don't know why you're being like this,

can you just please call me back?

-He called you? -[voicemail] To replay this message...

When was that, when we were out of town?

-I don't know. -Your message has been deleted...

New message.

[Scott] Yo, just call me back...

Are you joking?

[Scott] Everything is not what it seems,

-I promise you, please. -[scoffs]

I love you, call me.

[voicemail] New message.

[Scott] I love you, you're crazy.

-I'm sorry, he knows he's wrong. -At least he's freaking out.

That's why he's calling you four times.

Okay, but, Klo, I'd rather him calling me,

if he wasn't calling me, I would be like...

I mean, I understand you want closure,

-and that's one thing but... -[cell phone rings]

Oh, my God, this is him calling me.

Don't answer.

I wanna answer.

-Why? Don't answer the phone. -I don't know,

I just want us... I just wanna get this over with.

I'm an adult, and if I choose

that I wanna talk to Scott,

I can do that.

And Khlo� needs to be supportive of whatever I decide.

Hello.

[Scott] Yeah, are you over here, decide to talk to me or what?

I mean, I have things I'd like to get off my chest

and say to you, but...

Well, whatever it is, I mean,

I need to talk to you.

Do you just wanna come over to my house, or what?

-Yeah. -Okay.

Are you serious?

Khlo�, I said I just want for my own self,

I'm not doing him a favor.

This is such a bad idea.

I'm really frustrated that Kourtney's about to go talk to Scott.

-I'm going. -You're such an idiot!

[Khlo�] Because I know he's gonna make up

an excuse to get back in her life.

I want to know what happened,

and I want an explanation.

Hey.

This is not gonna be a pleasant conversation.

[Kourtney] I read every single thing in your phone.

Anything that you think that was bad,

I can explain everything about.

Who's your wife that's in your phone?

Just some girl, like,

I that I dated in, like, high school.

Why were you

looking into my wife's eyes?

She came over to the house, and as a joke,

we, like, looked into each other's eyes as a joke, we're like,

"Oh yeah, good to see you."

And then over text message, it was back, and we're like,

"Oh, so good to look in your eyes."

Okay, well that's inappropriate.

No, you're right, that was just me being immature,

and just being stupid.

Even talking and flirting with other girls is disrespectful to you.

But in no way

was that really what I meant.

I've just always had that...

image that I thought it was, like,

cool to act like you wanna hang out with your guy friends

and go out and party.

But I do swear to God to you,

I never cheated on you, ever.

I-I don't know exactly how to try to start over,

but I'm gonna make a change, you'll see.

Really deep down inside I don't feel like

I'm done with the relationship.

So I decide to...

give it a chance,

but really slowly,

and definitely not

jump in with both feet.

I still love you.

Okay, well, I can't,

definitely can't give you all of me right now, so...

All I ask is you just keep a somewhat open mind.

[Kourtney] Okay.

[Kendall] Do her pose that she always does.

I am Kim Kardashian!

I'm fabulous and I'm the best and everyone does what I say.

And soon,

I'll be the queen of the world!

[clicking]

You're my favorite daughter.

Thanks, Mom, for the shopping spree!

Now I just need my $5,000 hotel.

I-I can't stay in a crappy hotel, Mom.

This is boosha, okay?

Since we're going on break,

and I have to get in my hotel,

we need to shop,

'til we drop, okay, Mom?

They're totally in there making fun of me.

[Bruce laughs]

Uh, yeah.

They're imitating me, making fun of me. I overheard them.

Well, maybe they're watching you,

and just kind of mimicking what you're doing.

You know, the old Charles Barkley line,

"Hey, I am no role model."

Well, wrong, you are.

Especially to these kids.

They look up to you, you're their big sister.

You just gotta keep the whole thing in proper perspective.

Don't let anything go to your head.

Just stay nice, be nice to everybody,

including your mother.

You know, you just cannot act that way.

[Kourtney] Wait, so you're gonna die.

Scott wants to take me out to dinner tonight,

but I want you to come with me.

-And, like, he needs... -No, I'm not going.

-...to explain himself to you guys. -I'm not going and you're not going.

I'm sorry, he's going to con his way back into your life, no.

Khlo�, you can't make all the decisions for me.

How many times have you been there for Kim

-and her lunatic decisions? -No.

Okay, well then, I will go, because I get it.

But, I still...

I can't keep my mouth shut.

That wouldn't be me.

Are you gonna invite Kim?

No, I haven't even talked to her.

She's too caught up in her own business.

-[cell phone rings] -[Kourtney] Kim is calling.

[Khlo�] Put it on speaker.

Hey, Kim.

[Kim on speaker] Hey, Kourt!

I just wanted to say, as I know that you're going through a lot with Scott,

and I haven't really taken the time to listen to your problems.

Well, speaking of her problems,

guess where Kourt and I are going tonight?

Where?

To dinner with Scott.

-No! -Yes!

Wait, why are you going, Khlo�?

[Kourtney] I'm making her come.

And I am the strong one in the family.

Why didn't you invite me?

-'Cause we do not like you! -We haven't talked to you.

Wait, you guys, I wanna go!

-[Kourtney] Fine, pick us up at my house. -Wait...

And don't worry about being a diva.

[Khlo�] We love you anyway, honey, we're sisters.

Sisters stick together. [laughs]

[Kim] Wait, does he know we're coming?

[Kourtney] No way!

[Khlo�] He's probably terrified.

[Kourtney] I think I feel really, really positive

about the decision

to give Scott another chance.

But I really need the support of my sisters,

or else this won't work.

[Kourtney] Hey, doll.

I get three for the price of one being mad at me?

Oh no, three for the price of three.

You look like you're in like, a hit-man attire.

You don't know what I have on under this coat, buddy.

[Khlo�] Kourtney may have forgiven Scott,

but he's not getting off that easily with me.

Are you gazing into our eyes?

Vey.

First off, I understand,

[Kim whispers] Thank you.

where I was wrong and immature and disrespectful.

[Khlo�] Where's that?

But the actual things that you think that are concrete...

-Mm-hm. -...are completely false.

Why would you page your friends saying,

"I wish I could come to L.A.

without telling Kourtney so I could hang out with you."

[Scott] I can't make an excuse for me being

-pathetically immature and retarded... -[Kim laughs]

...to talk that much [bleep] to try to act cool for my guy friends.

It does take a lot for a guy to admit

-that he's immature. -I understand it does.

When being in love is way cooler.

[Khlo�] Why do you think he's saying this right now?

Because he's in the dawg house.

[Kim] I think Khlo� and I know

what these crazy relationships are like.

Thank goodness Reggie and I

don't have the need to be psycho like this.

So what are your intentions with Kourt?

Whatever it takes.

'Til whenever it takes

is what I'm gonna do to try to be with her, so...

Obviously, I'd like to say more to you,

but you've got the body guard over here.

Unfortunately, I have to go to the bathroom and I know

it's gonna only be downhill talking when I leave.

Thanks.

[Kourtney] I don't want to be an idiot,

but I'm crazy about him.

I just feel like I need your support though,

and you can't have, like,

an attitude every time Scott's there.

-It gets annoying. -I won't, I had to get it out

of my system tonight, but I'll be fine.

[Kourtney] It's nice to know that

I can make decisions on my own.

But it's great to have the support of my sisters,

whatever I decide.

Well, I have to go to the restroom.

Hey, Scott.

Hi.

Whatever goes on between you and Kourtney,

is really between you and Kourtney.

But when you hurt Kourtney, you hurt me.

And you can [bleep] her over once,

and if she accepts it, cool.

If you do it twice,

I will cut your [bleep] off.

Capeesh?

-You're cooking? -Oh, yes, I am.

[Bruce] Oh, my God, this is great!

-What are you cooking? -Some French toast.

Hey, Kim.

-Hey, guys! -[Kourtney] What's going on?

I'm making you guys breakfast.

Why is she making breakfast?

Because I just feel bad,

I've been really rude to everyone lately.

[Khlo�] You have.

I'm surprised you're not at home checking your Google alerts.

Guys, don't push your luck.

I'm here to say I'm sorry,

I love you, I'm making you breakfast.

-If you guys wanna help me? -[Kourtney] Aww,

-what a sweet girl you are. -And you girls,

I'm here to also tell you

to stop making fun of me.

I saw you guys.

I think I've learned that

no matter how stressful and crazy things get,

you can never treat people the way

that you don't want to be treated.

[Kris] Can I have mine over well?

Yeah, please. And my bacon kind of crispy.

-[Kourtney] Kim's first apology! -[Kris] Ever!

[Kourtney] In her whole 27 years of life!

[Kris] This season on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...

[man] Beautiful.

-[Kourtney] That is so cute. -[Kris] So cute.

[gunfires]

[cheering]

We have to start eating healthy.

What about having your own coop?

-Oop! Come here. -[laughing]

-Oh! -[screaming]

Wouldn't it be great

to have somebody totally dress you?

This may be a little uncomfortable, I need to get the inseam of your pants.

-I don't mind going down. -[zipping]

* We're going on a date! *

* We're going on a date! *

'Cause it's sexual,

it makes people wanna rip your clothes off.

-I got a girlfriend now. -[Kim] Wait, you're in love?

Hey babe, miss you!

[belching]

[Kim] Kourtney, stop!

I'm picking you up and throwing you over!

[Kim] Reggie is doing this

celebrity pool tournament in New Orleans.

[Rob] We're gonna go rob them and teach them a lesson.

[Scott] It's like putting a miniature jimmy hat on!

Khlo�! Ew!

You look like a 12-year-old hooker in that dress.

Don't be [bleep] rude!

I'll [bleep] hurt you.

-[car horn honking] -Get off that car!

Get off that car!

Just get out, go.

You're sitting there laughing, it's not funny.

[siren blares]

[Kim] I can't even take it anymore.