Original subtitles

[***]

Okay.

You're such a cheater.

[Khlo�] I know. I suck at this.

Who are you dating?

I'm not dating anyone.

[Scott] Why? You trying to go on a date with him?

No. I'm just trying... He always at school, I never get to talk to him.

[Rob] I have been in a little of a...

He's in a little bit of a drought.

A drought.

Why don't we go to like a little burlesque show or a gentleman's club,

meet a nice girl?

I'm always down to go to the club.

-Have you ever been to a strip club? -They're sick.

[Kim] My brother is not dating a stripper.

That's sick. I'm going to find him a nice normal girl.

You don't bone the strippers, you get to know the strippers.

Exactly, get to know them inside and out.

-[Scott] Yeah. -[Rob] I'm open to anything.

-Gin. -There's no [bleep] way you just won.

-Look. -No way.

[***]

So, I really want to find Rob a girlfriend.

What kind of girl? Like, set him up with or... What do you want?

Just like a nice girl.

Who can we set him up with? Do you know anybody...

Actually, I have... My best friend, like, she's so sweet.

Ka... I think you've met her once before. You know her, Kara Monaco.

What does she look like?

She was Playmate of the Year actually, last year.

-Oh, no way. -Yeah.

[Kara] [over speaker] Hello.

Hey, Kara, it's Stephen. I'm calling from Kim's phone.

She wants to, um, set you up with her brother.

My brother is really cool and really polite.

[Kara] I'd love it.

[Stephen] You'll have fun, he's actually really cute.

[Kara] That's a good thing.

I don't want to scare you, but, like, it's not just dating my brother,

-you're like dating the whole family. -[Stephen laughing]

-[Kara] Awesome. -You'll love it. I hope.

-[camera shutters] -[Bruce] All right, we're ready.

No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys...

Is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

I need someone to make me laugh.

Where's Kim?

[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

I am here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

[Kim] Stop! Jealous?

-[Bruce] Stop! -[Kris] That's enough.

[man 1] All right, you guys.

-[man 2] That's it. We're done. -[man 3] Money.

[***]

-[Khlo�] Oh, my God. -[Kourtney] What?

[Khlo�] It's the homeless man, he was here the other day.

[Kourtney] Really? That's kind of random.

[Khlo�] This is Calabasas, why is he here?

It's really, like, bad for business.

[Khlo�] I have never seen a homeless man in Calabasas.

None of my customers are going to want to walk by this guy

to come into our store.

I saw him the other day, now he's here again.

I mean, I just hope he's not going to start hanging out over here.

Hanging out? I'm sure that's...

Hanging out in the center? That's, like, creepy.

[***]

-You look so cute in that little sweater. -I know.

-What are you doing tonight? -[Rob] I got a date.

She's a Playmate.

-[Scott] Okay! -[women cheering]

-Looks like you're going on a golf course. -[Scott] Yeah.

Change your shirt. Your jeans and shoes are perf.

Alright.

[Kourtney] Oh, wait, Roberto.

This is from the '80s. This is not cool anymore.

-[Rob] Okay. -I'm waxing your chest.

You only can do a little piece, though.

Not the whole thing. If it hurts too bad, I'm not doing it.

I want to show you how it's going to feel.

I get my vagina waxed, it doesn't hurt. Move.

-Oh, my gosh. This is... -One, two... [chuckles]

-Three. -[Kim] Oh!

-[Rob] Oh, my God. Oh! -Not right in his growth.

What did you hit him in his jugular for?

I need you up on the counter, please.

-Oh, yeah, you wax your own, right, Kourt? -[Kourtney] Yeah.

[Rob] Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

-Silence. -[overlapping chatter]

-[women yell] -[Rob screams]

-[Khlo�] Kourtney, take it off! -No way, no way.

-[Rob stammers] -[Scott laughs]

[Rob] No, no! Ow! Kourtney!

-[Kim] Oh, my God! My God! -[Rob] No! No!

[Scott] You just pulled his nipple off!

You just pulled his nipple off!

[Rob] I don't want to do this. Bruce, help me!

What are you doing to this poor guy?

-I don't want this. -[Kourtney] One. Two.

Three. -[Rob] What the [bleep].

-[Bruce] You can't watch this! -[Scott laughing]

[Rob] No more, no more, no more.

[Kourtney] Okay.

What are we wearing?

-You guys aren't coming with me. -[Khlo�] Robert!

We are the people that approve or deny. Are you joking?

So I'm gonna go brush my teeth and go, and you guys aren't coming.

There's no way that I'm going to let my sisters go on this date with me.

Just make sure you wrap it up, angel.

-Ow! -[Kourtney] Stop it.

Are you sure we should do this?

-Yeah. What do you mean? -Are you joking?

I just kind of feel bad.

[Khlo�] It's a date, it's not like we're walking in on him having sex.

Alright, let's just go.

-[Khlo�] Vamonos. -[Kourtney] Vamonos!

[upbeat music]

-Hi! -You must be Kara.

-Yes. -How are you?

-Nice to meet you. -Nice to meet you.

-Quiet date. -Yes.

[Rob] So what do you do besides being the Playmate of the Year?

Well, I model. I do modeling and hosting.

-[Rob] How do I... -But ultimately I want to produce.

Yeah? I want to start a production company eventually,

but for, like, movies and music.

Kara is really hot.

She's very nice. I think we're really connecting.

-I'm 22. [chuckles] -[Kara] [laughs] Don't lie to me.

[Rob] No, I'm serious.

[***]

[indistinct chatter]

[laughs] Yeah.

She looks cute. She looks like Rob's type.

All I see is like platinum blonde hair. She looks really, like, tiny...

Platinum blonde, yeah. She looks really petite.

Yeah.

I so want to call Rob and just...

[Khlo�] Oh, my God. Let's call him. How funny would that be?

[Kourtney] Call him. Now.

[phone rings]

Hey, Kim.

Hey, Rob. How's your date going?

Going well. I'm with my date eating right now.

Is she gorgeous?

I mean, yeah.

-Alright. -Anyway, I'm being rude. I got to go.

See, they're always... Always bugging me.

But they mean well.

-No, they mean well. -Yeah.

They're just looking out for big Rob.

-[Kim gasps] -[both groan]

[Khlo�] We were looking so hard.

You don't want to do it again?

[Kara] Probably not. I don't really want to do any more, like, nude stuff.

So, do guys hit on you a lot?

[Kara] Not really.

[Rob] They don't?

-No. -I feel like they would.

[laughing loudly]

-[Kim] [whispering] Khlo�, stop. -[Khlo� chuckling]

[Rob] Who goes there?

[***]

What are you guys doing?

This is ridiculous. My sisters are spying on my date?

I'll be back.

[Kim] Rob, what a coinkidink.

You guys... Why are you guys here?

You guys just made this so weird.

[Rob] I can't believe my sisters are here at this dinner.

I look like a [bleep] kid.

-Sorry. -It's okay.

What else?

I don't know.

So pretty much my chances with Kara are completely ruined

thanks to my three sisters.

[Rob] Sorry my sisters had to ruin that.

-Alright. Bye. -Bye.

I will never have a chance with her after this date.

[***]

[Khlo�] I cannot believe he's still here.

I mean, it's time to leave, buddy.

Thank God he's gone. Finally.

Alright, I'm going to take out the trash.

-It's this box and the stuff in the back? -[woman] Yeah.

[***]

[***]

-Hi. -[Shorty] Hello. How are you?

-[Khlo�] What's your name? -Shorty.

Shorty, I'm Khlo�.

Glad to meet you.

I am not trying to be rude or anything,

but a couple of the people are complaining.

I think that people want you to move to a different area, if that's okay.

-[Shorty] Yes, ma'am. -Sorry.

-[Shorty] I will do that. -[Khlo�] Okay.

[Khlo�] Shorty!

You dropped your sweater.

Thank you.

I feel really bad. My conscience is kicking in.

-Oh, my God. -What?

That homeless man that's been, like, outside...

Yeah?

[Khlo�] I told him to leave and, like, he was walking away,

and he dropped his sweater so I, like, ran after him.

And I was like, "What's your name?" His name is Shorty.

-Ah! That's, like, my name. -[Khlo�] And he's petite and little.

No one's offered to ever help him. It's really sad.

Let's call Mom and ask her what we should do.

[Khlo�] Let me call Mom.

-[Kris] [over phone] Hello. -Mom.

-[Kris] Yeah? -[Khlo�] Dilemma.

-There's, like, a homeless man that... -[Khlo�] There, like, a homeless man,

and digging in the garbage cans. What do we do?

Have a little compassion.

Maybe the guy's really down and out and he doesn't know what to do.

-Well, obviously. -[Khlo�] Obviously.

That's why he's outside, rolling in dirt.

Khlo�.

[Kris] Bad attitude.

This is a great time to tell Khlo� that it's not always all about us.

And that maybe, once in a while,

it's a great thing to help somebody else out.

See if he needs something to eat, Khlo�,

and maybe there's something you can do, you know, for him.

It's somebody that's obviously a lot less fortunate than we are,

and I think that you should just think

think about what you would want somebody to help you with.

[Khlo�] [over phone] Okay, Gabby Gab. You're right. Love you.

[Kourtney] Hi, Shorty.

-This is my sister Kourtney. -Hi.

This is Shorty.

-Hi, Shorty. -[Shorty] How you doing?

People call me Shorty too.

This is my little Shorty.

You're a little teddy bear, you're shorter than I am.

[laughs] I know, I'm five feet tall.

I just feel bad sending you away, I want to help you a little.

Come with me in my car,

and I want to take you to get showered and cleaned up.

-Okay. -[Khlo�] Okay?

I think Khlo� is absolutely insane.

How are we going to bring a homeless guy into our house,

where my two little sisters are?

-Shorty, you can sit on this side. -You can get over on that side.

Yeah, I got it.

[Khlo�] I know this seems crazy, but what the [bleep].

[chuckling] He seems like such a nice guy.

[Kourtney] So this is our house.

-Yeah? -Welcome.

[Shorty] This ain't a house. This is a mansion.

[Khlo�] Shorty needs a shower,

and my mom told me to do whatever I needed to to help him.

So I'm going to use her shower.

Gonna get you some scrubbies.

This one's good for, like, your whole body.

[Khlo�] This is a loofah. It exfoliates your skin.

When was the last time you had a haircut?

-I don't know. -[Khlo�] You don't know?

We're going to trim you first.

Looking good.

You're starting to look handsome.

Do you feel better?

Yeah.

[Khlo�] Okay, I want to get you some clothes now.

I have a great wardrobe that I'm gonna pull for you.

Kourt, do you think Bruce will care?

[Kourtney] No, he won't mind.

Bruce never wears these.

Get you some underwear.

Dressing you nice.

Shorty looks like a new man.

Then he smiles and I notice his beautiful... empty mouth.

When was the last time you've been to the dentist?

Nah, I haven't been there for a while.

-[Khlo�] You haven't? -[Kourtney chuckles]

Do you want to go to the dentist?

My friend is a dentist and he's amazing.

-Could call him. -[Kourtney] It'll be fun.

-Oh, really? -[Khlo�] A mouth full of gold.

[Shorty] I'll be there.

[Khlo�] Oh, my God.

I've got to get him over to a dentist.

Oh, my God.

[Kourtney] Hi, Bruce.

[***]

-[Khlo�] Hi. -[Kourtney] This is our friend Shorty.

And this is our dad, Bruce.

[Bruce] Hi.

[***]

[Khlo�] Hi, Bruce.

-[Khlo�] Hi, girls. -[Kourtney] Hey, girls.

Hi.

[Kourtney] You guys, this is our friend Shorty.

-[Shorty] You know... -These are my sisters Kendall and Kylie.

-[Shorty] Alright. -I'm Bruce.

-Shorty. -Shorty?

Nice to meet you, Shorty.

[Khlo�] We borrowed some of your clothes for Shorty.

We gave him a bath and everything.

And we cleaned him up and now we're going to take him to the dentist.

-[Kourtney] And we shaved his beard. -Really?

-Can I talk to you? -[Khlo�] Yeah.

[Bruce] Khlo�, when she was little, she used to bring home strays.

Stray cats, stray dogs, you name it.

Now she's getting older, she's bringing home stray people.

Now you're bringing home homeless people?

-I'm being nice for the day, I'm helping. -I... I... You know, it is a nice thing.

I'm not putting you down for doing it, it's nice.

I set up an appointment with one of my friends that's a dentist,

-and he's gonna... -You're going to take him to the dentist?

What, are you gonna have his teeth whitened?

I asked him to make a set of dentures for him.

Are you going to pay for this?

-Yeah. -Really?

-Pay... -That's nice of you. Okay.

-But I borrowed some clothes of yours. -I saw that.

-But it's okay. It's okay. -I kind of noticed. Yeah.

That's not all you're going to donate.

Why? What do you mean?

-Well... -I liked that shirt, by the way.

[Khlo�] I already made a dentist appointment for Shorty,

but I can't take him.

I really want to take Shorty to the dentist,

but Kourt, Kim and I have a photo shoot we have to do in an hour.

So I was wondering if maybe you can take Shorty to the dentist.

I just got finished with carpool.

-Now I have to carpool the homeless guy? -You should take Kendall and Kylie.

They'll... Take them with you.

-[Kourtney] Bye, Bruce. -Bye.

[***]

Come on, Shorty. Little teeth action.

-[Bruce] Hey, Bonnie. -[Bonnie] Hey, Bruce.

Khlo� called?

-[Bonnie] Yes, you're in. -For the appointment? Shorty, you're in.

Yeah, by the way, nice shirt.

-Hey. -[Bruce] Dr. G.

-Hi, Bruce. -[Bruce] Good to see you.

Good to see you too.

[Bruce] This is Shorty.

Hi, Shorty.

-Hi. -[Bruce] Dr. G.

We're gonna have him kind of checked out.

-[Dr. G.] Okay. -Alright.

-Good luck, Shorty. We'll wait right here. -[Shorty] Okay.

Go get 'em!

How do you become homeless?

How do you become homeless?

You know, they don't have any money, they can't stay any place,

you know, they need a little help, they wind up on the street for a while.

Will I ever be homeless?

Never in a million years will you ever be homeless.

I'll make sure of that.

[Dr. G.] Okay, let's see what you got.

Open your mouth, let me see what you got.

Oh, my God.

-[Khlo�] Kourt? -[Kourtney] Hmm?

I feel so bad that we just ditched Shorty off on Bruce.

The cutest man I've ever met.

-Who? -Shorty.

[Khlo�] He's our homeless man that we adopted.

-Yeah, right, you did not... -[Kourtney] Kim.

-The homeless guy... -[Khlo�] Shorty.

...that we took in and we brought him here...

[Khlo�] You didn't know we did that?

-You did not bring in a homeless guy. -[woman laughs]

-I do not believe that. -[inaudible]

-[Khlo�] We found him at DASH. You... -Okay. At DASH?

-He was shopping at DASH? -[Khlo�] Outside.

Do you have any idea what we're gonna do with him when we're done?

-No. -[Bruce] You don't?

-Hello? -[Bruce] [over phone] Khlo�.

Alright, I'm here at the dentist, but, uh...

Uh, what am I supposed to do with Shorty when I'm done?

Um, take him to a hotel.

A hotel? [laughing]

I tried to find a shelter that I was gonna take him to today,

but all of them are full or they close early.

You know, old Shorty is getting pretty expensive for me here.

Thank you, Brucie. I love you. Tell Shorty I said good night.

Talk to you later. Bye.

-[Rob] What's up, bitches? -Oh, my God. You're here.

Why haven't you returned any of my phone calls? I called you three times.

Maybe 'cause you guys ruined my date. Again.

[Khlo�] How did we ruin your date? All we did was go there.

[Kourtney] We went to give you that little extra oomph that you need.

-[Khlo�] Umph. It's not oomph. -I'm 20 years old, I don't need an oomph.

[Kourtney] You looked like

-the coolest dude in town... -[Ron] No, I didn't.

-...for having three sisters like us. -[Khlo�] You have the coolest sisters.

[Rob] It's doesn't matter, nobody cares about my sisters.

I'm not a little boy. I don't need you guys.

[Kim] Rob, I'm sorry about that. Don't worry about it.

[Khlo�] Oh, Kim. Suck his [bleep] It's getting harder.

[Rob] Kim's always the best of the three.

Yeah, right, Robbie. You are... You know you like me the best.

I'll accept the apology, but I'm never gonna tell you when I have a date again.

We could find you no matter where you are, honey.

[***]

We're not really sure what to do with Shorty.

We don't want to put him back on the street.

So we're going to take him to the homeless shelter.

[Kourtney] Shorty.

-Show us your teeth. -Show us your teeth.

-[gasps] -[Kourtney] Oh, my God.

[Khlo�] Oh, my God, you look like a new person.

Don't you notice?

-You shaved more of your face. -Oh, my gosh. You did.

High five!

[Kourtney] Shorty is a completely different person.

He looks so good. He has...

brand-new teeth, he shaved ever more,

and I can tell that his confidence has gone way up.

This is Kim.

-[Shorty] Hello. -Hi, Shorty. Nice to meet you. I'm Kim.

-He likes hugs. -How are you?

Shorty looks amazing.

His sparkly blue eyes... He looks stunning.

-Are you ready to shake, rattle and roll? -[Shorty] Mm-hmm.

[Kourtney] What do you think all your friends are gonna say?

They're gonna be jealous, huh?

'Cause you're around me, I don't understand it.

Could you wonder it would bring it out of me?

[chuckles] I bring out the good?

Yeah, you did.

-[Khlo�] Aw, that's so nice. -[Kourtney] Thanks, Shorty.

[Khlo�] We're in the car, and Shorty is loving himself some Kourtney.

[Kourtney] I've got Shorty's arm around me.

I think he's in love.

[Kim] We're almost at the shelter.

[Shorty] I got along with you real well yesterday.

-[Kourtney] Thanks, Shorty. -[Khlo�] He's getting pretty close.

I'll let them have a moment.

[Khlo�] Are you going to miss us?

-[Shorty] Yeah. -We are going to miss you.

[Khlo�] We're here, you guys.

[Kris] You know, Rob, this place is like a freaking mess right now.

Everybody was in my bathroom.

Do you know how many people have taken a shower in here?

That's Dad.

And if one more person leaves the seat up on the toilet, I'm going to barf.

Oh, my God. Look up there, on the thing. There's a bird.

I swear to God, there is a bird in the window.

-[Rob] Pssst! -Bird!

-[Rob] I can try to... -I've got a great idea.

[Kris] We're going to scare it, but not a lot.

-You know, just a little. -Then don't...

-[knocking on a pot] -[groans] Mom, hold this.

-[pot clatters] -[Kris] Okay.

[Kris] Alright. Okay, don't fall, Rob.

'Cause if you fall, you're going to fall on me.

-[bird chirping] -[Rob] Alright...

Rob, take this.

Grab the bird really gently.

-[Rob] I got it. I got it. -You got it? You... Okay.

-Now... -Okay.

-Okay. Okay. Rob... -Mom. Mom, don't... Okay, stay there.

Stay there.

-Okay, jump down over here. -Okay.

Okay. Now, now, now. Careful.

-Don't let it fall out the bottom, Rob. -Stop, stop, stop.

Okay, I'm letting it free.

I'm freeing it.

Okay. All the way up there so it doesn't fly back in the house.

-Free, little bird. -Oh, my God.

[Kris] Yay! [clapping] [chuckles]

[***]

What's wrong?

Are you sad?

-[Khlo�] Aww! -[Shorty sniffles]

[Kourtney] I think, at the end of the day, it really feels good

to help somebody and know that they appreciate it.

You're going to miss me and Kourtney?

[Shorty] [voice breaking] Well...

-You knows where I... [sniffles] -You want my bracelet to remember me?

[Kourtney] Aww!

[Khlo�] It's an angel wing, so you're always going to be protected.

-Alright, bye, Shorty. -Bye.

-So nice to meet you. -[Khlo�] Remember your great self.

-Keep the bracelet. -I will.

Okay. Take care of yourself.

Khlo� and Kourtney did a really great thing.

I'm really proud of them.

-You're all sweet. -Thank you.

-Thank you, Shorty. -[Khlo�] We're gonna miss you.

-Call us, okay? -[Shorty] Okay. I will.

[Khlo�] See you later.

-[Kourtney] Bye! -[Shorty] Thank you.

[Kourtney] Get it, Shorty!

[***]

[Khlo�] Mom.

-You were right. And I hate to say that. -[Kourtney chuckles]

But I actually enjoyed myself with Shorty today.

-You did? -So did I.

See? You really inspired somebody to be better.

-And to better their own life. -'Cause I treated him like a human being

that he is.

[Khlo�] He cried when we left.

-He was so cute. -He was so sad.

-He cried? -He cried.

He went to have a drink,

and he took a sip of his beer and he put it down

because he wants to now get an apartment

and start making money.

It's just really remarkable how you guys were treating somebody that,

you know, you didn't even know.

And it takes so little to make somebody else happy.

The most important thing that we have in our lives to give is love.

-And at times... -And each other.

-And each other. -Aww!

Oh, suck my [bleep] now, Kris.

[Kourtney] On the season finale of Keeping Up With the Kardashians...

Kim, what's the story with Reggie Bush and Kim Kardashian?

[woman] [over phone] There's this photographer guy

trying to shop nude photos of you and your sister.

[Kim] My life is over.

Mom, I don't want to talk to Kourtney.

[Kris] Did he ever tell you he was going to sell them?

This guy is going down.

I don't want to go through this again.

[Kris] Girls, the FBI is here.