Original subtitles

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

[over phone] Kris? Hey, it's Joe Francis.

Joe Francis! Where are you, honey?

[Joe] I'm in jail.

You're still in jail?

I'm still in jail. I can't believe it.

Oh, my gosh, Joe! We need to come get you out.

[Joe laughs]

I'm coming over there. What can we do?

Well, we're launching a line

of the new Ashley Paige for Girls Gone Wild swimwear,

and I want the girls to possibly be the spokesmodels.

Oh, wow!

I'd like to do billboards, a print campaign.

This is, like, a huge thing.

It sounds really exciting.

I just can't believe you have time to do this from jail.

-[Joe laughs] -But...

Well, there's not... there's not much to do in jail.

Sometimes people have a negative connotation about Girls Gone Wild,

but this bikini line is so fabulous.

High-end couture bikini line.

[Joe] I'd like to send you guys down to my house in Puerto Vallarta.

Oh, my God! That would be so great.

I think all of us could use a trip to Mexico. [laughs]

[Kris] Okay, I have good news. So, Joe Francis called,

and wants you girls to do

and be the spokesperson for his new bikini line.

He's been thinking about the Kardashians in jail?

-[Kourtney laughs] -[Kris] And he wants you girls

to go down to...

-[Khlo�] Jail. -...his house, Casa Aramara,

all courtesy of Girls Gone Wild.

The Casa?

We carry Ashley Paige in our store and it's really cool.

The line's amazing, and I'm excited.

He wants to do a billboard, like on Sunset.

-[Khlo�] Kardashians! -[Kourtney shrieking]

[Khlo�] As soon as I get a bikini wax, I'm down.

Kourtney does it herself. She's a he-man woman hater.

You're still doing your wax by yourself?

-Yeah, honey. -[Kim] It's so embarrassing.

-Does Bruce know? -No.

-I don't know why Bruce would care. -He's really conservative.

He's gonna have a problem that you guys are posing in bikinis.

We're in swimsuits. We're not, like...

[Kourtney] We're not, like, in lingerie.

I don't wanna just upset him for no reason.

So let's just not make a big deal out of it so he doesn't go crazy.

-We'll leave Bruce up to you. -Yeah, we'll leave Bruce up to you.

-'Cause none of us... -[Kris] I'll take care of it.

We're just not gonna say a thing.

I just don't want him to get upset one more time.

He doesn't, you know...

His heart can't take it. He's getting too old.

-[Bruce] All right, we're ready. -No, no, no, you're right here.

The wind, you guys... is this necessary?

Go change. Awful.

No, that is not cute.

[man] Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

I need someone to make me laugh.

-Where's Kim? -[Khlo�] Kim is always late.

I am here.

[Kourtney] Get out of our way!

-[Kim] Stop! Jealous? -[Bruce] Stop!

[Kris] That's enough.

[man 1] All right, you guys.

-[man 2] That's it! We're done. -[man 3] Money.

[Kris] Well, I was just talking to the girls and we were thinking

that maybe we would go and have a little getaway to Puerto Vallarta.

Puerto Vallarta?

[Kris] Yeah. You know, we were thinking we'd have

another one of our little girls' trips.

Bruce and I have a great marriage and a great dynamic,

but sometimes things just work out better

if he doesn't know every single detail.

I think it doesn't make any difference what I think.

So I'm gonna go with... have a wonderful time.

But you gotta be back in time, 'cause I have to leave on a trip.

[kissing]

-[Bruce] Oh, yeah, right, suck up to me. -[Kris] Thank you.

Joe Francis has the most beautiful airplane.

It seats 12, it's absolutely gorgeous,

and there's no security check, no lines,

and nobody to tell you what you can and can't do.

Here's a toast to a great family vacay

and a fabulous photoshoot and Bruce not finding out.

-Toasts! Whoo! -Salute.

[playing mariachi music]

Whoo-hoo!

[all cheering and talking excitedly]

[Kris] Kim, there's a spider on you.

[screams] No, there's not, Mom!

-[Kris] I swear... -Oh, my God! [shrieks]

[Rob] Get it off of her, Mom! Please get it off of her!

-[Kris] Kim, come on! -[Rob] Get it off, Mom!

-[all yelling] -Stop!

-Stop. Let me get it. -Mom, is there really a spider on me?

-[Rob laughing] No, it's not. It's... -[Kris] It's gone.

Oh, my God, I'm gonna pee in my pants.

Can you get my sweater? Is there a spider in my sweater?

[Rob] No, there isn't, I saw it.

Kim the little drama queen. She needs all of that attention.

I'm fat enough. I don't want to be put on steroids

-'cause I get a big spider bite. -[Kris] Come on, guys.

-It's gonna be all right. -[Kourtney] Let's go see the house.

[Rob] I love the lighting.

Oh, wow!

[Khlo�] It's so beautiful.

[Bruce] Aren't we lucky.

It's Italian, but...

So Mom's eating tacos, you think, in Mexico?

-Pretty much. -What do you think she's doing down there?

[yells]

[Kim] Oh, my God!

Jump in!

[all yell]

[laughing]

Whoo!

What's most important now

is that you guys look your best tomorrow. You got a big day.

So let's go to bed.

Come on, guys. Let's go.

[alarm beeping]

[Kris] Makeup and hair is set up already.

What the [bleep]? I have to get up at 6:00 a.m.?

I need [bleep] beauty rest.

Ashley has lost her [bleep] mind.

[yawns] Five more minutes.

-Ooh! -[Bruce] See that...

-I'm telling you. -Take you out. Let's see what you got.

[Bruce] Brody's busy, he's working,

so it's great when he comes over to the house

and we can spend a little time and I kinda hear what's going on in his life.

[Bruce] So, what have you been up to?

Just chilling.

It's a lot better than mine.

Easy game. But see, I work at it, Brody. You don't work at it.

[Brody] How do you feel about Kim being in Puerto Vallarta at Girls Gone Wild?

They're doing what?

She told me she's doing some swimsuit modeling thing down there

-for Girls Gone Wild. -Really?

-You really didn't know about this? -[Bruce stammering] No, I...

I heard they were just going down there for, like, a vacation.

Why would Kris wanna really lie about what's going on down there?

I'm gonna call 'em. Find out what's going on.

We have to have hair and makeup done.

It's, you know, three girls, and it's been taking [bleep] hours.

[Bruce] I wonder if she can receive messages,

'cause I'm leaving a message.

Honey, it's me.

You don't tell me what's going on. Doing, like, swimsuit pictures?

I'm on my way down there.

The most frustrating thing in my life is dealing with Kris,

'cause you know what? She doesn't tell me everything.

I don't know what's going on.

What are you doing?

-[laughs] -Would you watch these kids?

I gotta go. I got plans. And watch this crazy...

You gotta help me out.

[Khlo�] Why would you tell her to wear the sarong?

Just to cover her jiggly ass when we're walking around.

[bleep] She doesn't have a jiggly ass, it's fine!

Her ass makes money, honey.

My jiggle is out for the world to see.

There's no covering it, honey.

Kourtney is such a bitch.

Twenty minutes before this photoshoot and she's already giving Kim a complex?

I will beat her ass and give her a [bleep] complex.

[Khlo�] Do not break her confidence because you will fail.

I said Kim looks great. Her stomach looks flat. I just said,

-"Cover your butt..." -Yeah, but it looks cellulitey.

-No, your stomach doesn't look cellulitey. -No, it doesn't.

-It looks like I have cellulite all there. -[Kourtney] No, it doesn't.

-I just said... -[Khlo�] Just stand like that.

I got your back, honey. Any time you need it.

-Guys, I'm out of here. -[Brody] You're out of here?

Brode, this is scary for me to say. You're in charge.

-[Brody] Oh, look at... What is this? -Both you girls better be good.

[Bruce] Probably the most important thing in my life

is to protect these girls.

You know, you see what happened with Kim and her sex tape.

They really have to watch what they're doing.

Because just a little thing can get totally blown out of proportion.

[photographer] Okay, stand up.

[Ashley] This is it, guys, this is it. Love it, love it.

That's gorgeous.

Our first shot is on the beach

with this huge sandcastle that's spray-painted green.

It is supposed to be really glamor, over-the-top.

[Ashley] Hurry.

-Okay, come on, let's do it now. -Do it. Ready?

Ready, guys? Sexy, comfortable, playful.

[photographer] I love it. Right there. Beautiful. Hold that.

-[shutter clicking] -[photographer] Gotta keep the coconut.

[Ashley] Oh, I love it, Kourtney!

[photographer] Okay, right there. Let's do it!

Oh, my God.

[Bruce] Hey, guys.

[Kim] Oh, [bleep].

-What are you doing here? -[Bruce] Can I talk to you?

-Let's go. -[Kourtney] What is going on?

The photoshoot is a wrap, I guess.

Why do you guys lie to me like this all the time?

I mean, you said you're coming down here for...

what, a girls' weekend, and you're doing this?

-[Kris] We were gonna... -[Bruce] No. Brody tells me

that you're down here doing some Girls Gone Wild video.

I left him there with the kids. That's how bad it got.

Everybody stops, and I am so embarrassed,

because I can just feel the tension in the air

and I know Bruce is gonna go ballistic.

Ashley is very classy,

and she will make sure that we are classy.

Look at Khlo�. That's classy. That's real classy, Khlo�.

Why don't you ever talk to me? Why don't you tell me what's going on?

[Kris] You're so conservative,

and you're always on us to just behave a certain way...

Well, the high road is always the good road. Isn't that amazing.

We're not doing anything wrong or explicit or crazy or...

I've had a long trip. I'm gonna go take a shower.

I'll see you in a bit.

Glad you're here.

[Kylie] Wanna play dress up?

[Brody] I'm not putting your little pink hat on.

Yes, you are! Take the hat off.

[Brody] Ow! Can you relax for five minutes?

We have to go in my room. Come on.

I'm gonna rip one of these dolls' heads off.

Let's go, brother from another mother.

-Please leave me alone for five minutes. -Ready?

Oh!

-[groaning] -[Kendall giggling]

[Brody] I have a question to ask both of you.

-[Kendall] Okay. -Why do you want to tie me up

to a stripper pole?

-'Cause you're being a bad boy. -[Kylie giggles]

[Kylie] Tell us if we're suffocating you.

Oh, what happened? I got my... Oh, hey.

[Kylie] We're not done yet!

You guys are bad at that. Okay, no more stripper pole.

[girls] Yes!

-I'm serious! -No, I... Come on,

I played your little game on the stripper pole.

-[screaming] Brody, stop it! -[doorbell rings]

-I just heard a doorbell ring. -[cell phone ringing]

Doorbell, yes...

-[Kylie grunts] -Hey, let go of my shirt, hey, hey.

I'm answering, I'm answering.

[Brody sighs] Yes, please, go answer it.

-Yes! -[Kylie] Sorry, Brody's not here.

[Frankie] No, I see him right there with a...

What's that pink hat?

[Brody] I thought you were here to bring over some chick.

-I thought you had chicks here. -Oh, here they are.

[Kylie giggles]

-[laughing] Oh, no. -Hello.

[Brody] Hey, you guys, mess with him for a little while.

I'm just gonna lay down real quick.

[Frankie] No, no, no, no...

-Hi. -Hi.

-Nice glasses. -What's your name?

I'm Frankie. How are you doing?

-Frankie? -Brody!

[Brody laughing]

-[Kylie] Frankie? -Oh, my God.

This girl's trying to hit me!

-[belt slapping] -[Frankie] Oh!

[all laughing]

Bruce.

Um, I know that you're mad, but I just wanted to say that, um...

What did you want to say?

[Kourtney] You know that we would never do anything

that would make us, like, not classy, and...

You know, we're just not like that.

But, you know, in today's society,

with kind of a wild and crazy media and all this...

-[Kourtney] Yeah. -...you gotta watch what you do.

-[Kourtney] Yeah. -You'll pay dearly.

The internet and all that junk out there...

-Yeah. -You gotta dearly watch what you do.

This is very tasteful, what we're doing.

You know, Ashley Paige is really respectful.

The problem is, primarily with your mother, that...

She's telling me that they're going away

-on a girls' weekend down here. -[Kourtney] Right.

-And instead... -No, and I get it.

...you're working down here.

Yeah. I mean, I don't think that she should've lied to you

but I think that she did lie because

she just thought that you would've said, "No, no, no, you guys can't do it."

When has that ever stopped you?

[sighs]

[Brody] Let's go to the pool.

-[Frankie laughing] -[Kylie] Whoo!

Pool! Whoo!

-[Frankie] Pool time! -Come on, let's go, let's go.

[both whooping]

[Frankie chanting] Pool time, pool time!

[Brody] Yeah, it'll be good. Go outside.

-[Frankie] Pool, pool, pool. -[both laughing]

-[Kylie] Just saying, I saw. -[Kendall] Hey!

[laughs] Yay!

-Hey! -[both laughing]

[Kendall] I didn't know they were gonna do that.

-[Frankie] Uh-oh. -Uh-oh. Oh, wait. She knows how to do it.

[Kylie] Go quick, Kendall!

-[Brody] Aw, man. -[Frankie] Oh, no.

[Brody laughs] Let's go hide, let's go hide.

[both giggling]

Where'd they go?

-[Kylie] Brody! -[Kendall] Brody!

-[Brody] Hey! -[Frankie] Hey!

-[Kendall laughs] -[Brody] Ow!

[laughs]

[Ashley] We're losing our shot.

-[photographer] We're losing light. -Please tell me you're almost done.

[woman] She's almost done! Just this last nail.

All right.

[Kourtney] We have been shooting all day long,

you know, working our little asses off.

[Ashley] I'm nervous that we haven't got it yet.

Let's make sure we get that.

And Ashley wants it done so fast

that she's telling the photographer to do this,

and ends up taking his little digital camera

and starts snapping her own candids.

[Ashley] I can do what I want to do.

-I'm the designer. -I'll be setting the next shot up.

[Ashley] I hate it.

-Really? Why? -It's not me. I don't like it.

Ashley Paige is driving us all so insane. She's stressing all of us out.

All we need is Kim right here.

-Okay, so let's go and get Kim. -I can't keep up with these girls.

There are, like, three of them. They're all over the place.

[Kourtney] Ashley Paige is insane.

I'm ready to shove a taco up her ass.

[Ashley] That's the difference between

a working model who makes their living off working

and whatever they are.

I wanna work with a [bleep] professional designer, you psychotic freak.

[Kylie] What's Girls Gone Wild again?

Who told you about Girls Gone Wild?

Isn't it the thing where, like, they lift their shirts?

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

[whooping]

If I see you lift up your shirt one more time talking about Girls Gone Wild,

you're gonna be grounded.

It's more like a belly button show.

[Kylie whooping]

[Frankie] What are you doing?

-[Kylie] Girls Gone Wild! -[Kendall] Help me.

[Kylie] Girls Gone Wild!

Hold on, hold on. No, no, no!

-Hmm... -I gotta shoot this.

-Are you recording? -I'll shoot it.

Girls Gone Wild...

is like this.

[whooping]

You girls are a little crazy, but you know what?

I'm gonna start managing you girls.

We're gonna put this, like, on YouTube or something,

'cause it's gonna be amazing.

-[Kylie] Okay. -What the [bleep] are you doing?

It's their reel, bro. They need a reel.

Turn that thing off.

You are not managing my little sister on a stripper pole...

-Yes! -I'm doing their reel!

As I come in here...

[with Latino accent] "We're going to put this on YouTube or something."

-[girls giggling] -[Brody] No! No, stop, stop.

[Khlo�] Ashley doesn't know if she got the billboard shot yet.

[Kim] What?

[Khlo�] Yeah, isn't that weird? I feel like we totally got it.

It's the end of the day, we all look like crap, and we...

[Khlo�] Don't you feel like we got it?

Ashley's saying that the billboard shot has not even been done yet.

So we're kind of freaked out.

We haven't got it yet.

You guys, come get in the water!

Can we have them splashing each other

and grounding each other towards the end. Come on.

[Kim] Kourtney, Khlo�, and I are about to pass out.

Hopefully, we will pull together our inner Beyonc�

and get the shot that Ashley wants.

-[growling] -[Kourtney] Oh, my God!

[all shrieking and laughing]

We've been working and shooting all day long.

So I really hope we have Ashley's billboard shot,

because it's too late to do anything now anyways.

-Did we get our money shot? Hi. -Hey, Ash.

[Khlo�] God, I'm nauseous. I'm literally nauseous.

[Kourtney] Do you have any of us laying on the thing?

-[photographer] Um... -[Kourtney and Khlo�] I love that.

[Kim] Everyone looks so good in that picture.

[Kourtney] That is so cute.

-Khlo� with the coconut. -[Kim] That's it.

[Ashley] I really like this for the billboard.

-You got it. -[Kourtney] That is amazing.

-[Khlo�] Thank God we got it. -Perfect!

Don't you feel, like, better now?

[Kim] We found our shot. We know we got the billboard

and we're just so relieved.

Thanks for everything.

-That was so fun! -That was so fun.

-You guys were really good sports. -Thank you.

Thank you.

I can't believe my wife of 16 years lied to me.

This really upsets me.

Oh, my God.

Where've you been? I've looked for you everywhere.

-[sighing] I know. I went for a walk. -Yeah?

I went for a walk. I talked to Kourtney.

Um... mainly it comes down to you.

You know, you guys take off like this

and... you know, I find out other things are going on,

you know, it bothers me.

It's my fault because I wasn't honest with you and I didn't tell you...

You know, you're so used to us girls coming down here for a little R&R...

[Bruce] I don't wanna hash it all over again.

I really feel sick over this whole situation,

and I've really realized that I should never lie to my husband again.

I'm really sorry.

[Bruce] So, we move on.

-[Kris] I love you. -Love you too.

-You're kind of stinky. -I haven't had my shower yet.

Well, come on upstairs and... I'll help you.

-All right. -All right, baby?

You'll help me with the shower?

-[Kris] Yeah. Come on. -[Bruce] Cool.

[Kris] Best shower you ever had.

[Bruce] It's nice to be down here in Puerto Vallarta, but,

you know what, I can't help but think of what's going on back at the house.

[Rob] Thank you.

It was very nice of you. We had a great time.

Thank you for all your hospitality.

Bye-bye.

[snoring]

Guys, we're home!

-[Brody] Yes! -[Kylie] Mommy!

-Hi! -[Bruce] We are back.

[Kris laughing] Brody looks really happy to see us.

I haven't changed in two days.

-[sighing] -[Kris] How'd you hold up?

These two are a handful.

Oh, wait, I mean they're angels, they're angels. Jeez.

[Kris laughing]

The girls seem to be fine, but Brody seems to be really beat up.

It looks like he's had enough and ready to go back to his own life.

[Bruce] Girls, would you like Brody every weekend?

-[Kylie] Every day! -On that note... [laughing]

-All right. -[Bruce] Every day!

-Good to see you. -All right, good seeing you too.

-[Bruce] Good seeing you. -[Brody] Bye. I love you.

[Kourtney] Hey, Joe.

It's so, like, Charlie's Angels.

[Joe] Angels, Charlie's in jail.

Guys, we have to break out Charlie from jail. It's our duty.

[Joe] If you wanna come break me out, drive on up.

[laughs] Pull up the pickup to the back and I'll jump on.

Okay.

[Kim] I feel like you can't say that while you're there.

Will they get scared?

[Joe] Yeah, I really think that the government's gonna buy

the Kardashian girls coming and breaking me out of jail.

-[laughing] -[Kourtney] I am so good

at breaking people out.

Wait, how did you like the pictures? Do you think we're sexy?

[Joe] I think you're so hot.

-I wish I was there. -Yeah!

What about me? Aren't I the prettiest one?

Yes, Khlo�, you're the prettiest one.

-Joe, I think we're all... -Wait, can you have visitors?

-Why don't we come visit you? -Why don't we all come visit you?

Can you have, like, five, four visitors at a time?

You know, I kind of like talking to you like Charlie.

-Charlie! -[Khlo�] We love that you're Charlie.

-And we're your angels. -Let's go, girls.

I'll be out of here pretty soon. Bye, guys.

[all] We love you, Charlie!

[all laughing]

[Bruce] Whoa. What's this?

Girls Gone Wild is like this.

[whooping]

-Honey? -[Kris] Yeah?

Come in here.

[whooping on TV continues]

Kendall! Kylie!

[Kris] I'm gonna kill [bleep] Brody.

[Kim] Next time on Keeping Up with the Kardashians...

[phone ringing]

[on phone] This is Michele calling from Playboy.

I think it would be an awesome experience for you.

Can you guarantee that I'm not gonna have to take my clothes off?

She's got a sex tape out and now she's doing Playboy?

I'm not comfortable taking my top off.

-Does she have to take her clothes off? -[Hugh] Oh, yes, that's part of it.