Original subtitles

MARY ALICE: Previously on Desperate Housewives.

Susan showed a certain flair for her new job.

There you go.

You know, you're getting good at this.

Renee rented a house.

Wow, that is so...

Wonderful?

Close.

There's something I have to tell you.

Gabby learned the truth about her daughter being switched at birth.

Beth!

Paul Young continued to surprise everyone.

Well, I see you've all met my wife.

And Tom came home with a mysterious affliction.

I'm not feeling well.

- Again? - Yeah.

I'm just going to lie on the couch and watch some TV.

MARY ALICE: Tom Scavo was depressed

and his wife had done everything she could to cheer him up.

She had made his favorite meals.

She had told her funniest jokes.

She'd even worn her sexiest lingerie.

But nothing worked.

Finally, Lynette insisted her husband go to the doctor.

Unfortunately, what he came home with

was a prescription for trouble.

Anti-anxiety medication? This is what he gave you?

Doctor Weiler says it will help.

He spent 20 minutes with you!

- Lynette... - And let me guess,

did he write this with a pen that has the drug company's name on it?

I need this medicine.

Then take it, but I got to tell you, those drugs scare the crap out of me.

I got to do something. I am so tired of feeling this way.

But you've gone through rough patches before. You could come out of it.

So, wait around to get better? That's your answer?

You don't know what it's like inside my head.

Okay, you're right. I'm sorry. Hey! Hey!

Remember when Susan kept having all those headaches?

Who was that guy that she went to? Doctor... Doctor Ross?

How is he going to be any different?

He's holistic. He tries to stay away from heavy meds. Susan loved him.

And if he says I should be on this?

Then you have a second opinion.

Whatever he says, I'll go with it.

(SHUSHING)

Well, I saw Doctor Ross.

Oh, I'm so glad.

Did you like him?

Loved him.

And you were right, he doesn't believe in pharmaceuticals.

He only prescribes stuff that's totally herbal and natural.

That is fantastic. So, what did he suggest?

Medical marijuana.

MARY ALICE: Yes, Tom Scavo had been battling depression,

but he was now facing a much bigger battle,

with his wife.

Happiness, it's something we all want.

And so we search for it.

Little girls find it in the taste of chocolate.

Well-dressed men discover it at their local mall.

Teenage boys experience it when talking to a pretty girl.

And then, there are housewives,

who simply can't be happy until they've learned everything they can

about the newest neighbor on the block.

Hello.

Hi. So sorry to interrupt. This will just take a second.

We wanted to officially welcome you to the neighborhood.

Aw!

This is my friend Lynette and Susan.

And I was telling them about you, and we...

Just had to meet you.

Immediately.

That's so sweet. You're my landlady, right?

Yes, but I really want you to think of me as a friend.

Are those pictures hung on the wall with nails, or...

We wanted to invite you to our weekly poker game.

Shoot. I don't know how to play poker.

Don't worry. We'll teach you.

Does that Ficus tree have a saucer underneath?

Because those are hardwood floors.

And while you're learning all about Texas hold'em,

we'll learn all about you.

Aw!

That sounds fun.

Okay, well, we should be going. We'll see you later.

Okay.

Bye.

BETH: Bye.

What did those women want?

They invited me to play cards with them.

They were just being friendly.

On this street, never confuse being nosey with being friendly.

They were digging for dirt.

So, do you not want me to go?

No, no. You will go

and give them all sorts of meaningless information.

And, hopefully, they'll start to think of you as a friend.

But, if you don't like them,

why do you want me to be friends with them?

In time, it will be useful.

Where's a pen?

Don't you want to read it first?

Why? Did a nurse get drunk and swap it with a different document?

By signing this, Mr. Solis,

you are agreeing not to bring any legal action against this hospital.

Do you understand?

And in return, you'll stop searching for the other family. Do you understand?

Done. Gabby.

Babe, we talked about this.

We don't know how this other family will react

and we need to protect Juanita.

I am sorry, Gabrielle.

I can only imagine how you must feel.

You can't begin to imagine how I feel.

The only person who could is the woman who has my daughter.

If signing can spare her this pain, then I will do it.

- I love it. - (CHUCKLES)

Somehow I get the feeling you don't love it.

Okay, I don't love it. It's just so yellow.

Trust me, this will be great.

Besides, when you're in the room, nobody's looking at the walls anyway.

Well, you certainly know how to sell yellow.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Excuse me.

I hear you're getting divorced.

And good morning to you.

I'm getting divorced, too.

So we both need guys, I'm thinking we should hang.

I don't know how much Lynette has told you about me,

but I'm really not one for "hanging."

Look, one woman at a bar, it's just sad,

but two, and it's girls' night out.

So what do you say? You up for a little stud-hunting?

That's a lovely offer, but I think I'm going to pass.

Oh, come on. We've got to get back in the game.

Cut loose, let our hair down.

That hair does come down, doesn't it?

Really, Renee, that is just not how I like to meet men.

Well, how else are you going to meet them? Sitting around your house?

You'd be surprised.

You've met someone already?

Maybe.

Well.

A beautiful, classy woman who can get a man without leaving the house.

I don't see us being friends.

(VACUUM WHIRRING)

(IN SEDUCTIVE VOICE) I don't know how everything gets so dirty in here.

Uh-oh!

Is that a piece of lint?

(GASPS)

Oh, no, it got my apron.

I better sign off before I'm completely naked.

See you tomorrow, boys.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

I'm busy!

MAXINE: Honey, it's Maxine.

Oh!

A star is born!

(EX CLAIMS) Did you watch?

Not only did I watch, I kvelled.

Oh! I have to admit, I am sort of getting into it.

That whole thing with the vacuum just came to me.

Well, that's how it happens with the great ones.

Oops!

Here's a bonus for you.

Whoa!

What's this for?

Well, it's a little something I do for the girl

who gets the most hits in a month.

You just unseated Stacy Strauss.

And with the caboose on her, that's not easy.

- Oh, Maxine, you're so good to me. - Honey.

You know what? Mike and I are finally starting to save some money.

Well, don't save it all. Buy yourself something nice. You deserve it.

By the way, have you decided what you're gonna do for tomorrow's show?

I'm going to damp mop in bikini briefs.

Oh, are you trying to make me cry? (LAUGHS) Bye, doll.

(SIGHS)

This is a great sandwich.

What's in it?

Oh, it's nothing.

Just a little Parma ham cured by Italian monks,

and some cave-aged Gruy�re, and of course I make my own fig mustard.

Cooking is a passion of mine.

Of course, it's not much fun cooking for one.

So, if you're free this weekend...

Babe! You gotta try this sandwich. It rocks.

This is my boss, Mrs. Van De Kamp. This is Stephanie, my girlfriend.

You have a girlfriend?

Of course you have a girlfriend who's young and pretty.

Nice to meet you.

I'm sorry, Bree, what were you about to ask me?

It's... It wasrt important.

You enjoy your sandwich.

Okay. Inside.

Let the stud hunt begin.

Come on, come on, we're gonna get started.

You okay?

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Let's play cards.

When I was eight, Daddy left Mama and we were pretty much alone.

Most of my friends were either stuffed or plastic.

Of course there were always Mama's boyfriends,

but as soon as I'd learned their names, Mama would kick them out

and there'd be a new toothbrush in the bathroom.

Uh, let me know if I'm sharing too much.

No, not at all.

Keep pouring the chardonnay. She's cracking like an egg.

Okay, quarter ante.

So, Beth, how did you and Paul meet, anyway?

I don't want to bore you.

We won't be bored. More chardonnay?

Mmm!

Well, I saw his picture in the paper during his trial

and there was just something about those eyes that spoke to me.

What about the headline, "Arrested For Murder"?

That didn't speak to you?

I'll admit, that gave me pause,

but then we started corresponding

and I discovered what a wonderful man Paul really is.

Bree, let's forget about hitting the clubs tomorrow night.

Clearly all the best guys are on death row.

Hey, you can't help who you fall in love with, right?

And Paul's a real lady-killer. (LAUGHS)

We always fogged up the Plexiglas with that one.

(EX CLAIMS)

Well, it's good that you can laugh about it.

The thing is, in my heart, I always knew he was innocent.

And I was right.

Well, he is.

Yeah. So let's play cards.

What are you doing?

Preparing to take my medicine.

I've heard that an increase in appetite is a possible side effect,

so I'm taking the necessary precautions.

The necessary precautions being your own weight in Cheez Doodles?

I've never smoked pot before, so I want to be prepared.

Headphones?

Pink Floyd. Apparently it complements the medicinal properties of

"Blueberry Bliss."

Listen to you. You are loving this.

Tom the college nerd gets to finally smoke pot and be cool.

(LAUGHS) Hey, I was plenty cool in college.

The only reason I didn't smoke back then

was because I'd signed the abstinence pledge

with my Dungeons and Dragons club.

So, what do you say?

Care to join me out back behind the garage for a little doobage?

"Doobage"?

That's what you're calling your medicine now?

Come on, you need to take this seriously.

I am.

Really? 'Cause I'm pretty sure I've never asked you

to join me behind the garage to split a Midol.

Lynette, you said you would go with this.

I know, but how is it going to look to the kids?

I don't want them seeing their dad stoned.

You don't have to worry about them seeing me stoned.

Look, they'll never know.

Yeah.

Hey, the...

Okay.

So, what do you want to do Saturday night?

Well, I was thinking that we could go to Chez Naomi.

Isn't our price range more Chez Chicken Hut?

Mike, it's our anniversary.

Besides, we've been working really hard. We deserve it.

Okay, but bring your big purse, 'cause we're taking the dinner rolls home.

So, Chez Naomi, huh?

Expensive place.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess it is.

Must be nice.

Um...

Have we met? I'm in 1 -B. Susan Delfino.

Oh, I know who you are.

I'm 1 -F.

Stacy Strauss.

Oh!

- You're one of Maxine's... - Yeah.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Guess we kind of do the same thing.

Oh, sometimes we do exactly the same thing.

What does that mean?

I keep an eye on the competition.

You lifted one of my moves.

No, I didn't.

You expect me to believe you just woke up one day

and decided to put a feather duster in your mouth?

You do that?

It's my signature bit. And you stole it.

I swear, I don't watch the other girls perform.

Okay. So I guess it's just a coincidence.

Well, here's another coincidence,

you're getting the big bonus check and I'm not.

That's not really what you'd call a coincidence.

That's really more...

All right, College. Just keep the duster out of your mouth.

And watch your back.

Everything okay?

Oh, yeah.

I am wasted.

Really?

I am Lucy-in-the-Sky high.

Wow.

So this must be pretty intense for you.

Whoa!

And don't forget, tomorrow we have

to trombone 3-D banana patch, remember?

Man, this is really strong stuff.

Snow shovel.

Exactly.

You know, I was just upstairs watching Paige sleep,

with her little fingers and her little toes.

I must have watched her for like an hour.

She's just so perfect and I am so lucky.

I couldn't feel happier than I do right now.

Oh!

I'm just so happy it's working.

Yeah.

What do you think?

Does this say, "Happy Anniversary, Mike, I'll love you forever"?

No, I think it says, "Credit card declined."

Arert you and Mike on a budget?

Yeah, but things are starting to turn around lately.

I've been selling a lot of my jewelry.

Get out!

Out there and keep selling!

Oh, hello, silk. Oh, how I've missed your soft touch.

I'm going to the dressing room.

You two have fun.

Mommy?

Oh, you're not my mommy.

Are you lost, sweetie? What's your name?

Kiki, you scared me. I couldn't find you.

I have a little girl, too.

Sometimes they get distracted and wander off.

Let's go.

Wait!

Uh...

How old is she?

Eight.

My daughter's eight.

Whers your birthday?

We've really got to go.

Okay, but what hospital was she born in?

Was it Fairview Memorial?

GABRIELLE: Standing there in the mall, it just hit me.

I can't spend the rest of my life wondering

if every little girl I see is my daughter.

Not knowing where she is, is like my heart living outside of my body.

I have to find her.

Well, there's a private detective I work with,

but Sanchez is a pretty common name.

It's not surprising the hospital couldn't find them.

But I know something the hospital doesn't.

When I was in labor,

the other womars mother came into my room by mistake

and we got to talking.

She lived in El Paso,

and she was so excited to have her granddaughter baptized

at Santa Maria's Church.

That's gonna help.

So you think you can find her?

We'll do our best. Carlos is onboard with this, right?

Absolutely.

Okay, then give me 10 Porterhouse.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Hey, I just came by to pick up my envelope for the week.

Okay. Inside.

And don't listen to this conversation, it's about your Christmas gift.

I'm buying all my girls steaks. You got a preference?

Whatever meat you put in my stocking will be fine.

That sounds dirty. Use that.

I'm back. What else have you got for me?

Rib eye? I like it.

STAC Y: Oh!

Is that a piece of lint?

Oh!

That's my bit! Maxine!

What? I'm on with the meat guy!

Yeah, but Stacy Strauss is stealing my vacuum bit!

Oh, my God. Well, if she's going to do that,

at least teach her how to use the nozzle.

Hey, there, I'm ready to party.

Are you?

'Cause you look like you're ready to tour the Reagan Library.

This is a cocktail cardigan. Look closely. The buttons are shiny.

Where's your closet?

I have never seen so many sweater sets.

Are you sure this is a closet and not a portal to the 1950s?

There is nothing wrong with my clothing.

Bree, you're going to a hot, young club full of hot, young people.

You need to dress the part.

Well, I happen to find it distasteful when mutton is dressed as lamb.

Look, when women go out clubbing, there's two ways they can pair up.

Pretty girl-pretty girl, or pretty girl-grenade.

Which do you want to be?

Fine.

Now we're getting somewhere. Love the plunging neckline.

That's the back.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Ugh! This place is dead.

Really?

I forgot we were in the sticks.

Clearly everyone hooked up early

so they could be home in time for Nightline.

Actually, tonight's Nightline sounds very interesting.

- It's about the genocide in... - Hold on.

Fresh talent at the end of the bar.

Oh, that's my contractor.

Mmm.

Well, call me a fixer-upper.

Don't bother. He's got a girlfriend.

If I don't see her, she doesn't exist.

(LAUGHS)

What's so funny?

My girlfriend's about to make a fool of herself.

She's hitting on that guy, and I happen to know

he has a very beautiful, very young girlfriend.

You talking about Keith?

You know him?

Yeah, and Stephanie dumped him this afternoon.

Which is why he's here. He's drowning his sorrows.

Bree? Wow. I didn't recognize you.

Keith. What a lovely surprise. I didn't know you were here.

Yeah, but I'm bagging.

I gotta work tomorrow, the boss is pretty strict.

Good. I mean, yes, I'm very strict.

I'll see you in the morning.

There you go! That's how you bait the hook.

I won't need a ride. I'm going home with Keith.

I don't think so. He just left.

He's pulling the car around. Do you think I should play

the "I hate going into a dark house alone" card?

Or the more blatant, "I'm not wearing underwear"? 'Cause I'm not.

Okay, before you do anything hasty, he just broke up with his girlfriend.

He's very fragile.

Oh, I'll be careful when I unwrap him.

Renee, wait. Please don't go home with Keith.

Why?

Oh, he's the one you like, isn't he?

No. I am... I am thinking about you.

You don't want to come off like a slut.

Ah! Gee! Then Chip won't ask me to the prom.

Renee, wait! What about me?

It's getting late. Stay in the dim light and don't play hard to get.

Keith, hi, it's Bree.

I don't know if you're in bed yet, but I'm having a bit of an emergency.

Oh, thank you. That's lovely.

Why would somebody do something like this?

Far be it from me to understand the minds of hooligans.

(SIGHS)

I'm so sorry to call you over here at this hour.

That's okay. I wasrt doing anything special.

Good.

I would love to show my appreciation.

I was wondering if perhaps one night this week I could make you dinner?

Oh, you mean, like a date?

Well, we don't have to put a label on it.

Just two adults eating food together.

Calling it a date is quicker.

Well, I see no reason to argue.

Shall we say 8:00 p.m. On Thursday?

Hi.

Mrs. McCluskey, right?

Yeah?

I was hoping I might see you at the girls' poker game.

(LAUGHS) Not anymore. You get caught with a couple of aces in your bra

and you're banned for life.

I couldn't help but notice,

they don't seem to like my husband very much.

Do you know why that is?

Nope. Nobody tells me anything.

Mrs. McCluskey, I really need to know.

Okay, fine. They think he's a murderer.

But he was exonerated. Felicia Tillman framed him.

Yeah, for that crime.

What do you mean?

Before Felicia showed up around here, her sister Martha was murdered.

And, all due respect, you're shacking up with suspect number one.

Does everybody think that?

Felicia may be a few fingers short of a high five,

but if she's crazy, we all are.

Well, that's enough dusting for today, boys.

I guess all that's left is a little vacuuming.

Ooh! Yay!

Get the vacuum!

Uh-oh! I think I got some schmutz on my apron.

Oh, get that off.

(EX CLAIMING)

(LAUGHING)

(GRUNTING)

Oh, I love this show. Mmm!

Hello, boys.

For those of you who might be switching over from other channels,

welcome.

I have a very dirty apartment.

(BANGING ON DOOR)

STAC Y: Open up!

Uh, little busy!

Hey.

I know you did it!

Did what? I don't know what you're talking about.

So you're not just a thief, you're a liar.

Be careful how you talk to me, you gigantic freak.

I am about to slap that cheap blush right off your face.

Is that supposed to scare me, Man Hands?

I'm gonna show you a whole new place to stick that feather duster!

Well, I'm sure wherever it is, you copied the idea from watching me!

- (GRUNTS) - Oh!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I need those bonus checks!

So do I!

You don't get it! I'm trying to get out of this business!

And you think I want to spend the rest of my life

dusting in my underwear?

Hey, hey, hey!

You're off-camera. Roll left.

Maxine, I'm so glad you're here.

What are you doing?

She attacked me!

That's because she broke into my apartment and...

Hang on. This isn't a bit?

No! I was in the middle of doing my show

and she burst in here and started hitting me.

Did you do that?

Yeah, but...

You know the rules, Strauss.

You never, ever interrupt a show. Now, go to your room!

- But I... - I said go.

Are you all right, honey?

(SIGHS) Yeah.

All right. Good.

I gotta call tech support.

You girls had so many hits, it fried my router.

(LAUGHING)

So, a roving gang of hooligans destroyed your sprinklers?

Shameful, isn't it?

You know what I think?

I think this is the handiwork of a lonely, desperate woman.

You left out "resourceful."

Nobody steals a man out of my bed.

But you know what? I've been looking for a new hobby,

and taking you down is as good as any.

I think you'd be wise

to stick to your original hobby of forgoing undergarments.

Be seeing you, Bree.

Looking forward to it.

Maxine says I can't go back online until I apologize to you.

So, I apologize.

Wow,

and I thought your acting was bad on the website.

Fine. I am sorry, okay? I shouldn't have stolen your bit.

What was going through your mind?

I freaked out when I didn't get that bonus check.

See, my family is in Virginia, and I'm saving up to move back home.

Yeah, well, I know what that's like.

And even with that extra money,

I always feel like I'm living week-to-week.

Really?

'Cause when I broke into your apartment,

I noticed that you had some awfully nice stuff.

Flat-screen TV, closet full of new clothes.

I know, I probably shouldn't have bought all that.

But you know how it is.

Every once in a while you want a little splurge.

Yeah, I get that.

But definitely, by the end of the year,

I'm going to be out of here.

Me, too.

Hey,

- how long have you been doing this? - Um...

Gosh, I guess I'm going on six years.

Hey, would you mind if we just stayed home

and ordered Chinese for our anniversary?

Wait, no suit, no tie,

no pretentious Euro-waiter listing specials that I can't understand?

Dang it, Susan, why?

Seriously, why'd you change your mind?

I thought you wanted a little treat.

Oh...

I think we should save that money,

and stay focused on what we're trying to do.

And we can have a fancy dinner and celebrate when we move back home.

I had a lovely time at the poker game the other day.

Really?

What's the neighborhood saying about me?

Well, for starters,

a lot of people seem to think you killed...

What's her name? Martha something?

Huber.

I guess Felicia Tillman spread her poison pretty wide.

I guess she did.

I'm not a murderer, you know.

I know.

But I fell in love with you before I knew that.

So even if you were,

I'm always going to be on your side.

Remember that.

Hey.

Hey.

Everything okay? You look a little...

It's been an intense couple weeks.

I'm sorry, buddy.

What if I told you

I could ease some of that stress?

You're not going to offer me a back rub, are you?

Nope.

A mind rub.

So, you got this from a doctor?

A really cool doctor.

Now I gotta warn you, this stuff is chronic.

I got totally baked off it this morning.

I did not have you pegged as a stoner.

Dude, there is a lot that you don't know about me.

Tom.

Yeah?

I hate to break this to you,

- but this isn't pot. - (CHUCKLES)

Tell me that in five minutes

when we are soaring past the rings of Saturn.

Trust me, Cheech, this is oregano.

No way. I bought it at a legit dispensary.

Then somebody must have switched it on you,

'cause the only thing getting baked with that herb is lasagna.

Who would do that?

You.

Oh, jeez, you scared me.

I know what you did.

Whatever do you mean?

Oh, yeah, that was me.

This isn't funny, Lynette.

Tom, you thought you were getting stoned on a pizza topping.

It's a little funny.

My sense of betrayal is huge at this moment.

Well, why don't you snort some baking powder? You'll feel better.

I'm glad you're enjoying this.

I'm glad you enjoy making a fool of me.

That was not my intention.

I only threw out the pot because I didn't think you needed it.

And, you know, I was right. You got happy all on your own.

Don't try to justify what you did

by making it seem like some sort of master plan.

It wasrt a master plan. I lucked out.

Because for some reason, while you were high on oregano,

you made a decision to live in the moment.

You stood over our daughter's crib

and you let go of the stress and the fear,

and you focused on the good in your life.

But I am sorry I tricked you.

You're evil. I should have expected it.

Where you going?

To look at our beautiful daughter.

Then I gotta turn that bong I made back into a lamp.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Anything?

We found them.

Oh, my God. What did they say?

I haven't called them yet.

Are you sure you still want to do this?

What? Yes. Of course.

Gabby, you need to realize,

once we call these people, and they know what's happened,

it'll change your family forever.

Call them.

Juanita, come in here.

I didn't do it.

I know.

I was putting on some makeup. I thought you might like some.

Can you put the big fake eyelashes on me?

Of course. And big rosy cheeks.

(SIGHS)

Look how grown-up you are.

Before you know it you're gonna be going to college,

have boyfriends, get married.

I'm not getting married.

I don't want to leave you and Daddy, ever.

Juanita,

do you know how much I love you?

To the moon and back.

That's right.

No matter what happens, I will always love you to the moon and back.

Hey, Carlos, I need to sit down with you and Gabby.

Why?

I just called the family. It got pretty intense.

What are you talking about?

And now, in a selection from Dior's fall line,

the world's newest supermodel, Juanita!

(GABRIELLE BEATBO XING)

Hold the world in contempt.

That's it. Now you look like a model.

Oh, hi, Daddy.

Hey, Carlos.

What's wrong?

I just spoke to Bob.

Sweetie, why don't you go to your room and I'll be there in a sec?

How could you have done this?

- Carlos... - We talked about this. We agreed!

No, you agreed!

You rushed me into signing that piece of paper

without giving me a chance to think about what I was doing.

Don't you understand what could happen?

She is our flesh and blood. And she's out there.

I need to know how she's doing. I need to know she's okay.

And what if they want Juanita back?

They can take her from us. They can do that now.

They're not going to want to give up their own daughter.

We don't know that! We don't know anything about them!

And you have no idea what you've started here!

JUANITA: Mommy?

Coming, sweetie.

If this ends badly, I will never forgive you.

I mean it, Gabrielle.

We're done.

MARY ALICE: Happiness. It's something everyone searches for.

Some are sure they'll find it once they've moved back home.

Some think they'll find it by making a new friend.

Some hope to find it once they've defeated the competition.

Then there are those who stop searching for happiness

because they look up one day, to discover

it was right there in front of them all the time.