Original subtitles

MARY ALICE: Previously on Desperate Housewives.

That maniac was serving a life sentence!

PAUL: Hello, ladies.

MARY ALICE: Paul Young came back.

Doug is leaving me.

MARY ALICE: Lynette's friend had nowhere to go.

I've spent eight years loving someone else's daughter?

MARY ALICE: A baby was switched long ago

and Carlos made a decision.

Then we're not telling Gabby.

MARY ALICE: Susan got a job offer.

Women doing housework in lingerie.

MARY ALICE: While Bree's contractor...

With your red hair, you will look so hot in this room.

... brought possibilities to light.

(GRUNTS) All set.

Now that you're a biker chick,

there's one other thing you gotta know how to do.

Thanks, mister.

(RINGING BIC YCLE BELL)

MARY ALICE: It had been a long time since

Bree Van De Kamp was a little girl,

but she could still remember everything she'd been told about sex.

Her grandmother informed her it was a womars burden.

Her minister warned her it was a sin.

Her teacher taught her it was unealthy.

Yes, everyone had told Bree

her sexual urges were dangerous,

but no one had ever told her

how to get rid of them.

Hey, there you are.

I'm off to the bank.

Before you go, I want to show you something. Come here.

Whole new idea.

I want to panel the study in this.

Oh. That's unusual.

Historical birch from a Wyoming snow fence.

Over 200 years old. Feel it.

No, really.

Feel it.

You know what they call this?

Witness wood, 'cause it's seen so much history,

unlike me, who slept through history and had to go to summer school.

I have to go, it's late.

Yes, when Bree was a little girl

she'd been taught her sexual urges were dangerous.

Unfortunately, she was about to learn

(BIC YCLE BELL RINGS)

Those urges were dangerous for everyone.

Juanita. Oh, baby.

MARY ALICE: The doctors and nurses at Fairview Hospital

are experts at healing.

They can set bones,

bandage wounds,

and treat diseases.

Sadly, one thing they don't know how to heal,

is a guilty conscience.

I don't know what happened. She just came out of nowhere.

Honey, this could've been any of us.

Kids on that street are always playing where they shouldn't be.

Still, I would just feel better if they would come out and tell us something.

Juanita was talking when they put her into the ambulance,

I'm sure everything's going to be fine.

And I just spoke to one of the nurses.

She seemed pretty positive.

PAUL: Well, that's a relief.

Paul?

What are you doing here?

I heard about the accident, so I rushed right over.

That's what neighbors do, right?

Well, that's very thoughtful.

We'll tell Gabby you stopped by.

Yeah, don't feel like you have to hang around.

There's nothing we can do.

We can pray.

Dear Lord, we ask you to be with this young child

- and with the doctors caring for her... - (MOUTHING) What is he doing?

- (MOUTHING) I don't know. ...and that she may be returned

in full health to her loving family.

Amen.

ALL: Amen.

Well, I have to get home. I'm expecting someone.

Please extend my good wishes to Gabby.

Dear Lord, please don't let that creep ever touch me again.

Amen.

Oh, Gabby, thank God. How is Juanita?

She's gonna be fine.

They're keeping her a couple of days for observation,

so I told Carlos he doesn't even have to fly back from his business trip.

That's great news.

Yeah, it is. Bree, Andrew, can I talk to you for a second?

Thanks for coming. I feel so blessed to have such wonderful...

What the hell is wrong with you people?

First you take out my mother-in-law, then you go after my daughter.

Are you trying to kill off every Juanita Solis on the planet?

I admit, it was a terrible coincidence.

You're getting sloppy, you know? This one was in broad daylight!

I'm sorry. She just came out of nowhere.

Have you seen my daughter? She never comes out of nowhere!

On a related note, I just want to say how much I appreciate

you not telling Carlos about me running over his mom.

I'm gonna give you that one, because I wasrt fond of her,

but as for the rest of my family, learn to swerve!

Why does this keep happening?

I don't know.

Maybe God is punishing us.

Or God is punishing the Solises and we're just doing God's work.

(SIGHS) I feel awful.

I should've never have been fiddling with that radio.

Radio? Mom, I saw you from across the street.

You were checking out Keith's ass.

That's preposterous.

You were looking at that contractor's butt

like you were waiting for a side of steak sauce.

Watch your mouth. This isn't one of your homosexual dance clubs.

I'm telling you, it was the radio.

Okay, fine.

But while we're talking about the radio,

you do know that particular model is like 15 years too young for you, right?

(VACUUM CLEANER HUMMING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Who is it?

Maxine.

Oh!

Oh, hang on a second.

I was just wrapping up my first session.

I know.

I was watching.

And?

What did you think?

It was like watching a dream.

And you know why? 'Cause I was asleep!

Sit down, honey.

It's time I gave you a few pointers.

Now, you see what I'm doing here?

Ah!

And let's not forget the duster.

Okay, okay. I get it.

And what have we here?

Smudges?

We eat off that table.

Am I making my point? We are selling a fantasy here.

You got to, you know, loosen up.

I want to, I just...

I can't stop thinking about all those men out there, watching me.

Yes, they're watching you.

They're spending their hard-earned dollars to see the perfect woman.

You, my darling, have all the power here.

Now,

is that a crumb I see on that rug?

- That's it. - Ah!

- That's my girl. - Ooh!

RENEE: Doug, if your lawyers don't sweeten the settlement offer,

I will sue you for half of everything.

And that includes your girlfriend's new implants!

You paid for them out of our joint account,

so technically one of those puppies is mine.

I don't know, maybe throw it in the pool and use it as a floatie!

Uh, Renee...

Oh, she's going to be dating soon enough.

It's time she learned what men are all about.

Now, sweetie, what did Aunty Renee teach you about marriage?

Never sign a prenup.

Oh! Geez!

Hey!

What are you doing home from work?

I'm not feeling well.

Again?

Yeah.

That's the third time this week.

You need to go to the doctor.

No, I'm fine. I'm just going to lie on the couch and watch some TV.

Okay.

Oh!

Before you fire up the Golf Channel,

you think maybe you could make a quick run to the grocery store?

I'm tired. Can't you do it?

I'm a little busy right now. I've got five kids and a useless house guest.

Hi, there.

(TOM GROANS)

I need you functional.

Either go to the doctor and get some help,

or quit complaining and give me some help.

Fine, I'll go tomorrow.

Man, the sympathy in here is just overwhelming.

(EX CLAIMS)

What?

Nothing. It's none of my business.

(MOUTHING) "But..."

But you may want to be careful.

You two are starting to sound a lot like me and Doug.

I appreciate the concern, but Tom and I always do that.

Doug and I always did that, too.

Look at us now.

I'm telling you, we're fine.

(MOUTHING) "If you say so."

If you say so.

(MOUTHING)

The doctors say she's gonna be fine.

They're only keeping her in the hospital as a precaution.

She'll be home in a few days.

Oh, thank God.

Hey.

Well, look who's here. Can we please not have another ugly scene?

I only came to check on Juanita.

She's fine.

Fantastic.

So, I see you let our tomato plants wither,

just like you did our relationship.

Well, that's what happens when you grow needy, whiny tomatoes.

Boys, boys, it's been a month.

Can't you just kiss each other's bottoms and make up?

Isn't that what they do?

(FOOTSTEPS SOUNDING)

Who is that?

She looks lost.

Should we help her?

(YELPS)

Son of a bitch!

- We should help her. - BETH: Son of a...

(BETH EX CLAIMS)

Miss, is everything okay?

No.

I am so lost.

I gave the cab driver the address,

but I only had a 20,

and it turns out that only gets you as far as Hibiscus Circle,

so he dumped me and I had to walk in these shoes, which broke,

and that is the last time I'm buying footwear over the Internet.

Were you looking for Wisteria Lane?

Yeah, that sounds right.

Is my fish moving?

If he goes belly-up, this is going to be the worst day ever.

Who is it you're here to see?

Paul Young.

Really? Are you a friend of his?

Well...

Beth!

Oh!

Thought you were going to be here hours ago.

Well, I see you've all met my wife.

(GASPS)

(BREE CLEARS THROAT)

Sorry, it got really hot in here and I thought you'd be gone for a while.

So how's Juanita? She okay?

She's doing much better. Thank you for asking.

Thank God.

How are you doing?

Me? I'm okay.

How's the work coming?

Pretty good.

I was just getting ready to put...

(LAUGHS)

Shoot! It's on backwards.

Bree?

You sure you're okay?

I'm fine. I'm fine. It's just been a very stressful day.

I think I know what you need.

It's okay. Hitting that little girl was an accident.

It could've happened to anyone.

I have to let you go!

Huh?

After you let me go. Everyone should just let go.

Are you firing me?

Why?

You're too messy. Your tools are scattered everywhere.

Well, this is a construction site.

And you're getting paint all over the place.

And that cologne of yours, it's overpowering.

I don't wear cologne.

That's just you? Oh, dear.

Anyway, obviously I will pay you for the time you put in,

but I think you should go.

You can send me a check.

Bye, guys. Have a great day.

Arert you going to work?

My first class isn't until 11:00.

I thought I'd spend the morning making more jewelry.

Wow, you really are determined to bring in some extra money.

(LAUGHING)

You have no idea.

(SIGHS)

And you don't let me put my feet on that table.

Mike! What are you doing home so quick?

I forgot my thermos. What are you wearing?

Uh...

(STUTTERS) I was just... Doing housework, obviously,

and the air conditioning isn't working,

so it got really hot in here.

I'll say. Mind if I join you?

No, no!

Uh. Oh! Oh!

You know what? Why don't we take this in the bedroom?

What's wrong with right here?

I am one lucky guy.

I come home to a hot fantasy like this.

Yup, and I'm one lucky girl

to have a...

Have a husband like

you!

(SIGHS)

Any luck finding an apartment?

Not with my settlement.

With New York prices,

I'll be forced to live in a place smaller than this.

Oh, my God. How will you keep from bumping into yourself?

You know what I was thinking?

Why don't I find a place here in Fairview?

(DISHES CLATTER)

Fairview? Uh! No! No, no.

You're a New Yorker. You love the theater, museums...

You said yourself you can't even get a decent cup of coffee around here.

No, I meant here, Lynette. Really, how hard is it to clean the pot?

LYNETTE: Hey.

How did it go with the doctor?

Yeah, can we talk about that?

So, what did the doctor say?

You're gonna wanna sit down.

Tom, you are scaring me. What is it?

I have postpartum depression.

Come again?

I know it sounds weird,

but it's a recognized problem for fathers my age.

I've got all the classic symptoms.

Headaches, mood swings, fatigue.

Wow.

Tell me, did he check you for a yeast infection while he was down there, too?

Why don't you learn the facts before you make fun of it?

(READING)

Yeah.

I'm not buying it.

Show me one stretch mark, one chapped nipple,

then we'll talk about your postpartum.

It's a legitimate medical condition.

And you're the one who told me to go to the doctor.

So you could be of some use around here,

not so you could, oh, "Take long baths

"or get in some extra naps."

Do me a favor, read the whole pamphlet.

(PAIGE CRYING)

Gosh, I wish I could, Tom,

unfortunately, I have to take care of my other baby.

I love the house.

Oh.

I did the best I could.

I think it needs a womars touch.

Oh!

I don't have much experience with decorating.

If I so much as moved a chair, Mama would throw a fit.

Then you must be happy to finally have your own home.

I guess.

Look at this, no Plexiglas.

I never dreamed the day would come when I could reach out and touch you.

I didn't either.

There is one thing I'll miss about prison,

your letters.

Some days they were the only things keeping me going.

I'm glad you liked them.

Thank you, again, for going to so much trouble. Dinner is wonderful.

I wanted tonight to be special.

Since the prison didn't allow conjugal visits,

this is kind of our wedding night.

About that,

I can't wait to start cooking for you

and making things nice around here,

but there are certain other

wifely duties that I don't want to rush into.

Oh.

We're still getting to know each other.

Mama said you'd understand.

Oh, I suppose I do.

You're not upset?

Of course not.

There's more to marriage than sex.

(WOMAN CHATTERING OVER PA)

Oh, Mrs. Solis? Can I talk to you?

If this is about Juanita and the dessert can't,

I told you not to leave it unattended.

No, I was reviewing her chart

and I realized we still had a couple of questions.

Is she allergic to any medications?

Not that I'm aware of.

Okay. All her vaccinations up to date?

Yes.

And how old was she when you adopted her?

(LAUGHING)

I know it's hard to believe that the little acorn

gave birth to the mighty oak,

but believe me, I did.

Okay, maybe I'm confused,

but the other day when we talked about possible blood transfusions,

you told me you and your husband were type O.

Yeah, we are. So?

Well, your daughter is type A. Two O's can't have an A.

Oh.

Never mind.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

What was that? What was that "never mind"?

It's none of my business.

No, no, tell me. What are you implying?

Nothing.

I'm simply stating that the odds of Mr. Solis being the biological father

of a type A baby are roughly nil.

Are you suggesting I cheated on him?

I'm simply stating that the odds of Mr. Solis

being the biological father...

Listen, nursie,

I know you spend your days emptying bedpans

and shaving the groins of senior citizens,

but there's no drama here.

I have been faithful to my husband. I have nothing to hide.

Give me that.

Oh! Good morning.

(YAWNS) Good morning.

Did you have trouble sleeping?

I was up kind of late.

Boy, that Tom sure can talk.

You were up with Tom?

Huh? Oh!

Yeah. I guess he had a lot on his mind.

No surprise, after the way things went between you two yesterday.

He was complaining about that?

Oh, I don't want to get in the middle.

Honey, you had a pajama party with my husband at 3:00 in the morning.

You're in the middle.

Well, Tom feels that you don't listen to him.

(EX CLAIMS)

Sure I do. I heard that whole spiel about male postpartum,

otherwise known by its initials, BS.

See, that's just the thing.

He thinks you hear, but you don't listen.

Okay. Okay, you stop.

I don't need you troubleshooting my marriage.

And I don't want you having any more

of these little conversations with my husband.

Okay, fine.

(MOUTHING) "I mean it."

And I mean it.

(SIGHS)

There you are! I called you an hour ago.

I was at school.

Hi, sweetie, the kids in your class made you a poster.

Look what Brittany said.

Yeah, yeah, she loves it. Come on.

Come on.

What is going on?

Do you remember eight years ago when we went on that ski weekend?

Uh, vaguely.

No, no, no. It can't be vaguely. I need you to focus.

Okay.

Okay. Remember how you and I had dinner with that French guy?

The one you referred to as Le Package?

Exactly. Okay.

Tell me everything you remember.

Ooh!

I remember I had the fondue and I lost my strawberry

and the waiter almost caught me when I put my...

I'm talking about me and The Package!

Why are you yelling at me?

Because I'm mad!

You went off to bed and left me and Frenchie drinking at the hotel bar,

and friends don't let friends flirt drunk!

Now, for the love of God,

do you at least remember when I came back to the room?

(SIGHS)

I remember the sun was coming up.

Oh, God.

Gabby, you're not saying...

Yeah.

I think Juanita might be French.

MARY ALICE: When Carlos returned from his business trip,

he stopped at the hospital to visit his daughter,

who had been sleeping peacefully.

Then he came home to see his wife,

who had been plotting frantically.

Oh, you're awake.

Mmm.

You're really awake.

Carlos? What are you doing?

Me? I just got into bed, you climbed on top of me.

I did?

Yeah, you were kind of making out with me, not that I'm complaining.

Oh, no. It's happening again.

What are you talking about?

My sexsomnia.

Your what?

Yeah. It's like sleepwalking, except

instead of using your legs, you use your... You know.

Sexsomnia. It's real. Look it up.

Since when have you had that?

Well, definitely before the girls were born.

I've never seen you do it before.

Well, it mostly only happens when I'm really tired.

Like when I work out too much or go skiing.

Then first thing tomorrow I'm checking out airfare to Aspen.

No, no, no. It's not a joke. It's dangerous.

It doesn't matter who I'm next to.

I could have sex and not even know it.

Wow.

Well, since you're up...

No, I'm too tired

and ashamed.

Good night.

Hey, I thought I'd return this.

I borrowed it from Orson a while back.

Thank you.

So, where's that Chippendale dancer you hired to fix your house?

If you mean my contractor, his name is Keith. And I had to let him go.

Why? You catch him grating cheese on his abs?

It just wasrt working out.

It must've been pretty bad for you to kick that shirtless wonder

out of your front yard.

I was finally reaching my target heart rate on my walk.

You mean at your age you still have urges?

I'm not dead, Bree.

I may like my bed and my food soft, but I like my men...

Okay, okay. Just curious.

I guess I was hoping...

Hoping what?

That one day I might outgrow all this.

Ah! That's why you fired Keith.

I just can't have him around. He's too distracting.

And I refuse to make a fool of myself.

And how would that happen?

Well, let me run the numbers for you.

My marriage ended six days ago. Keith is 15 years too young for me.

And my track record with lovers, two dead, one in a wheelchair.

Bree, I can't tell you how to live your life.

All I know is that not living your life isn't the answer.

I've just never been very good at taking risks.

Well, then get good. Because, take my word for it,

once they turn into regrets, it's too late.

(LYNETTE EX CLAIMS)

(CHATTERING ON TV)

Hi.

Don't feel like you have to help or anything.

Cool.

Ugh!

Where's your dad? His car's gone.

He and Renee went out to dinner.

He and Renee?

Yeah, they went to that French restaurant Dad likes.

They said you can join them if you want.

Oh, I want.

Okay. You unload these groceries

and look after your sister.

No. I've got plans tonight. I don't want to get stuck babysitting.

Cool.

Hey.

Hey. Good, you got the message.

Loud and clear.

So, you guys sure look like you're discussing something heavy.

(CLEARS THROAT) What's up?

To be honest, I was talking about you

and your tendency to be critical.

And how frustrating it is to have my feelings invalidated

whenever I bring up something you don't like.

Uh-huh.

Renee, sidebar.

Did I or did I not tell you to butt the hell out of my marriage?

What did I do? I was just finishing my dessert

and listening to the guy talk.

"How frustrating it is to have my feelings invalidated."

That's got your $500-an-hour shrink written all over it.

I was just trying to help.

That's a load of crap.

You need a project. And since you're currently without a house to remodel,

you've decided to put the wrecking ball to my marriage.

Oh, please.

This is what you do.

You take other people's lives apart for your own amusement.

And then you get the fun of putting them back together.

Well, I'm not letting you do it this time.

My marriage is not some guest bathroom

in your summer house.

Fine. Let's just say you're right and I'm a terrible person.

But there's still a man in there who's in pain,

and his wife won't listen to him.

That's not my doing.

I think this sidebar is over.

(DOORKNOB TURNING)

Hey, Susan.

Hey.

Those are beautiful. What's the occasion?

I called the bank to see if they would give us an extension

on our car payment.

And the guy told me you already paid it.

I had a good week with my jewelry.

You're amazing.

You teach, you bust your ass with this jewelry business,

and then I come home yesterday and here you are,

happy as can be, working to make this place a home.

I'm so lucky to have a wife like you.

Wow. There you go.

That's quite a haul.

You know, you're getting good at this.

I didn't think that was gonna happen.

I'm also getting good at lying to my husband.

I didn't think that was going to happen, either.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Hello, Keith.

How'd you find me?

Did you follow the scent of my nonexistent cologne?

No. Your answering service said I might find you here.

I was a little out of sorts the other day, and, well,

long story short, I was hoping you'd consider coming back.

(LAUGHING)

I've got a buddy, loves sports cars.

I told him to buy an old Pontiac GTO. They run great, they're easy to work on.

But he bought a Maserati.

The thing is always in the shop.

Very temperamental, a real pain in the ass.

You seem like kind of a Maserati to me.

I'm no Maserati, Keith. I'm a family sedan with a beige interior

who's going through a divorce.

Well, I'm sorry about that,

but I'm still gonna pass.

I need you.

You've seen my house. It's kind of a mess.

And the truth is, my life's kind of a mess, too.

When you came in, with all your energy and your wonderful ideas,

I started feeling like

maybe you were gonna help me put it all back together.

My house, not my life.

I just want you to work on the house.

Wow.

I really do sound like a Maserati.

Um.

Thanks for listening.

- KEITH: Hey! - (THUMP)

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

(GASPS) Oh, my God!

Are you all right? I didn't see you there.

You've got great legs. You ever consider

just jogging from place to place?

What were you doing behind my car?

I thought about what you said.

(SIGHS)

Lt'd be a shame if we didn't finish what we started.

Are you sure?

It's a big job and the boss is kind of nutty.

I love a challenge.

Now, can I get your insurance information?

(LAUGHS)

So, how are you doing?

What's this? Genuine concern?

No asking if my breasts feel swollen or if it's a heavy-flow day?

I know I was dismissive before, and I want to apologize.

I read the pamphlet, and it actually made sense.

Becoming a new dad at your age can be pretty scary.

I mean, just looking at that little girl

and knowing you might not be around for her wedding...

Is this supposed to be helping me?

I'm saying it's real, and I get it.

And now, in order to demonstrate that I'm a loving and caring wife,

I have two options.

One, we can have a long, sensitive conversation about your feelings.

Or option two...

(LYNETTE CHUCKLES)

As much as I like option two,

I think tonight I wanna talk.

You got it.

What's that?

I got you a little something.

Oh!

Try it on.

Paul, this isn't really my style.

Let me be the judge of that.

We talked about this. You said we could take it slow.

It's been almost a week. Isn't that slow enough?

Try it. Maybe it'll put you in the mood.

It won't.

Come on.

Paul, no.

How could you possibly think I would wear something like this?

What are those?

The letters you sent me in prison.

Oh.

Read this...

- Paul, please don't get upset. ...out loud.

"I long for you to kiss my neck,

"to whisper in my ear while you unbutton my blouse."

Go on.

"And then make love to me all night long."

Did you write these?

It was a fantasy. I never thought it would be real.

It is real.

Paul, please.

We're married now. What did you expect?

I thought you would stay in prison!

I didn't mean that.

I'm sorry.

It's not a surprise to me that you have some issues.

I mean, you married a man in prison for murder.

Clearly, you are a disturbed young woman.

The good news is I'm willing to help you.

All I ask in return is for a little affection.

Do you think you can offer me that?

I'll try.

Good.

I'm a patient man, Beth,

but just so we're clear,

I won't be patient forever.

Don't worry, I cleaned the pot.

The way things have been going lately,

I'm not as worried about taste as I am poison.

Look, what you did was borderline evil,

but you were right to make me talk to Tom.

So, I thank you for being a good friend and don't ever do it again.

You're welcome.

You know, when I don't feel like killing you,

I think I like having you around.

Good to know, since I just rented the most charming bungalow

right here on Wisteria Lane.

LYNETTE: You're kidding.

Edie's old house? Wow, that is so...

Wonderful?

Close.

(PAIGE CRYING)

I am trying to calm the baby

but apparently I don't have the right equipment.

Did you hear the big news?

Renee is moving in just a stone's throw away from us.

You do know that's just an expression, right?

We'll see.

You really think it's a good idea for you to move here?

Of course. It'll be a nice fresh start.

Plus, I can be close to my dear friend.

It's just...

I want to be sure...

Tom, that was a million years ago.

It doesn't matter. She can never know what happened between us.

Have you seen my wife?

Yeah, she's in the cafeteria.

Oh, while I've got you, could I have you sign these release forms?

Then you'll be able to take Juanita home.

What's this torn page on her chart?

Let's just say your wife has a bit of a temper.

What happened?

Well, it's not really my place,

but she did have a strong reaction

when I told her your daughter's blood type.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Gabby did this?

I need you to tell me exactly what happened.

Oh, crap!

Gabby? Come back here!

It's not my fault! I have a disorder!

Gabby, we have to talk!

Damn it! Ah!

Gabby!

See you in about two seconds.

Okay, here's what happened.

It was on that ski weekend, eight years ago.

I don't normally go for French guys, but you know how I get

when I drink too much champagne?

What?

I didn't think I slept with him, but I must have,

because why else would our daughter have type A blood?

You're not killing me. Why aren't you killing me?

Baby, come with me.

There's something I have to tell you.

MARY ALICE: There are certain kinds of pain

that can't be treated in a hospital.

So those who are suffering do what they can to heal themselves.

Some cure the ache of loneliness by making new friends.

Some soothe their excruciating guilt with an infusion of cash.

Some alleviate their burning desire with small acts of kindness.

But sadly there will always be those who can't begin to heal

because they realize there is more pain yet to come.