Original subtitles

Darrin. You're pacing.

What?

You know, "to-ing" and "fro-ing,"

and "to-ing" and "fro-ing."

I wasn't even aware of it.

Mm, I guess it's because I feel a little guilty

about dropping the whole

Barrows Umbrella account in Larry's lap.

Sweetheart, we are in Salem on a vacation.

Sort of.

Now, we planned to take a nice drive

up the coast to Gloucester

and have some lobster and...

And that's probably Larry.

Don't worry, sweetheart.

I'll get rid of him.

Oh.

Hi, Larry.

Hey. How'd you know it was me?

A wild guess.

I bet you can't guess why I'm calling.

It's about the Barrows Umbrella account, and you want me to...

Wrong. I'm calling because I got an idea

how you can have a vacation with pay.

I thought that's what I had.

Oh, you do. You do.

What I was referring to is a little extra bonus.

And to get it, all you have to do

is come down here to Boston

and help me cinch the Barrows account.

I thought you said you weren't calling

about the Barrows account.

Oh, I'm not. I'm calling about your bonus.

Forget it, Larry. Now, you have my rough layouts and...

Oh, yes, and they're fine. They're fine.

Good. Then you can cinch the Barrows account on your own.

I must say, you're not showing much appreciation

to someone who merely called to offer you a bonus.

Not interested, Larry.

And good luck with Barrows. Bye.

Ingrate!

Larry talk you into going to Boston?

Absolutely not. I was firm.

Oh. Well, that's too bad.

Too bad?

Y-yes. I've been called to an emergency meeting

of the Witches' Council.

Terrific.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart,

but Mother's giving a special demonstration

of incantations past, present and future.

Uh, maybe you could call him back.

Before I'd call him back, I'd go sightseeing alone.

Why alone, when Serena's ready, willing and able?

Hi, little cousin.

Hi there, tall, dark and mortal.

If you don't mind, Serena,

you're one sight I'd rather not see.

Oh. The charm-school dropout

is in rare form today. Ha-ha!

Serena, the hotel doesn't allow pets

or helicopters in the room,

so would you mind getting rid of it?

That can be arranged.

And when you get rid of it, be sure you're in it.

Oh, that's cute.

Darrin, there's no reason to be rude.

I'm sorry I was a few days late

for the convention, Sammy,

but I got involved

in the world kite-flying championships in India.

Uh, guess what.

What?

I was disqualified.

Disqualified?

On a mere technicality.

Instead of flying it, I towed it.

Oh, that's a shame.

I wouldn't have disqualified you.

You wouldn't?

Of course not.

The longer you're in the air,

the more chance you have of hitting a tree.

Ohh.

Sweetheart, i-in the best interest

of keeping peace in the family,

why don't you reconsider and go sightseeing with Serena?

I have to go to the meeting anyway.

Two's company, except when she's one of the two.

I could meet you at the Gloucester House

for lunch.

Absolutely under no circumstances

will I go anyplace with her.

Oh! He's such a darling.

And since the invitation

comes straight from the heart, I accept.

Mwah.

Good. I'll meet you there about noon.

I think I missed something somewhere.

Get in.

I will, just as soon as I get over the shock.

I was expecting a broom.

My broom is getting a lube job.

This is a loaner.

Ah! I'll drive.

Okay, poopsie.

I like it. I like it.

It's certainly the work of a talented man.

Well, then, shall we get down

to the business of, uh, contracts, et cetera?

But it misses.

It just misses.

Well, I'm sure Stephens will have no trouble

putting it on target.

And I guarantee we'll shoot the sales of Barrows Umbrellas

far beyond your expectations.

I expect everybody in the world to own a Barrows umbrella.

Stop the car!

Stop the car.

What is that?

It's just a statue.

Well...

that statue is a sight, and we are sightseeing.

"They that go down to the sea in ships."

Who is this cat, anyway?

Don't you know anything?

This is the famous Fisherman's Memorial.

Oh.

And what a knockout of a memorial he is.

Just dig that weather-beaten face

and those powerful arms.

Ah! What a ball to be steered by him.

Well, Serena, this is the closest

you're going to get to this "cat,"

unless you turn yourself into a seagull.

Dum-dum, I wouldn't bet my plantation on that

if I were you.

Pride of Gloucester Sentinel of the sea

I deem you come alive And swagger down to me

Still think he's for the birds?

Avast, ye hearties. What the devil's going on here?

You might call it fun and games.

Well, I call it insanity.

Serena, put this statue back, or...

Oh! He is not a statue.

He is flesh and blood.

Here, touch him.

Touch me person,

and I'll thrash you within an inch of your life.

You can touch me.

But him... no.

Serena, I'm not asking you,

I'm telling you.

Put this statue back, or I...

Here. What a wench.

It's been 50 years since I've kissed a lassie.

Oh! Whoopee!

You know something?

They're better when they're aged.

Serena, I'm finished with you.

Well, I'm not.

Goody.

Serena. If there isn't a statue

holding on to that wheel

by the time I count to three,

there's going to be trouble.

Dum-dum... you are absolutely right.

Start counting.

One, two...

Don't forget, it was your idea.

Shiver me timbers. What's that?

Oh, that is a car.

It's used for transportation and air polluting.

Listen, me ancient mariner,

uh, why don't we split

to someplace more romantic, so you can catch up

on all you've been missing these last few years?

"Split?"

Uh, leave, embark, set sail.

I'll have none of it if I have to sail there.

Well, "set sail" is just an expression.

Besides, what have you got against water?

Nothing. It just scares me out of my wits.

Well, that's ridiculous.

You're an able-bodied seaman.

You forget, I stand for all

those able-bodied seamen that drowned.

Okay. Heave to and we'll fly there.

The only water you'll see

is the kind you pour over your Scotch.

They call this paradise?

I haven't named it yet.

It's just a little something I whipped up

to make myself comfortable in Salem.

Come, come.

Say... uh, how about sitting down and...

And resting those strong,

magnificent sea legs of yours?

Let's not get too close to the water, please.

Who's that?

Oh, it's just an ex-friend of mine.

He got stoned one night, so I left him that way.

Oh.

What's the matter, sweetie?

Me back, lassie. Me back.

I've been standing over that wheel for almost 50 years.

Me back is killing me.

Oh, dear.

Well, uh, here.

Now let me rub it for you.

How's that?

Oh.

Lower, lassie. Lower.

Gladly.

Oh! You are gorgeous. Oh, my.

Ooh!

Darrin. I-is that you in there?

Oh, sweetheart.

I don't know what to say...

except I have a cousin

who makes Lucrezia Borgia look like Shirley Temple.

But don't you worry.

I'll figure out a way to get you out of there.

The hotel clerk said they're having lunch

at the Gloucester House.

I'm sure we'll find him there.

I hope so, Mr. Tate.

Oh, as a matter of fact, there's Mrs. Stephens now.

Where?

I'll say one thing, though:

If you have to be a statue,

this is a nice place to be one.

Over there, talking to that statue.

Huh?

I mean, over there by that statue.

Oh. Darrin's probably around someplace.

Come on, I wanna introduce you.

Sam!

Hi, Sam. Heh-heh.

Ha-ha.

Am I glad I found you.

Oh, well, hi, Larry.

W-w-what are you doing in Gloucester?

Hopefully, having lunch with you and Darrin.

Oh, Mr. Barrows, this is Mrs. Stephens.

How do you do?

How do you do?

Uh, Mr. Barrows is head of Barrows Umbrellas,

and he's just dying to hear

some of Darrin's new ideas.

That's nice.

Where is he?

Who?

Darrin.

Oh!

Well, he's...

He's hanging around here somewhere.

Mrs. Stephens, Tate here

speaks very highly of your husband.

He's got him on some kind of pedestal.

Oh. Well, that's nice.

Darrin's very comfortable o-on a pedestal.

Yes, sir. Ha.

Well, Sam. Let's go find him,

and we can go on to lunch together.

Oh, oh. Let's not bother with Darrin.

Uh, let's just go to lunch, just the three of us.

The three of us?

Oh, it'll be fun.

Sam, are you all right?

No. I mean... Um, well...

I get a little lightheaded when I'm hungry.

And I am just dying for one of those lobsters.

Larry. Come on, Larry.

Come on.

You know, it's funny,

I've never seen this statue before,

but it looks very familiar to me.

Wait. This is the Fisherman's Memorial.

It's dedicated to the more than 10,000 fishermen

who lost their lives at sea.

Come to think of it,

he looks more defiant and ferocious than I remember him.

Oh, he looks ferocious, all right.

Sam.

Is that all you can see?

Huh?

You know, it's amazing.

The face of this statue

looks a... A great deal like Stephens.

Sam, can't you see the resemblance?

No. Not really.

I mean, examine the chin.

That is not Darrin's strong chin.

Yeah. His chin is kind of weak.

Very.

Well, now that we decided

the statue doesn't look like Mr. Stephens,

suppose we take Mrs. Stephens to lunch?

Uh, uh... Why don't you two go on without me?

But you just said you were starving.

Yes, I did, didn't I? Hm.

Well, um, why don't you two go to the Gloucester House,

and I'll wait here for Darrin?

But we don't wanna take a chance on missing Darrin.

Why don't we all wait here?

O-oh, uh, Larry, uh,

I don't think that's such a good idea.

Why not? Yeah, why not?

Because I suddenly remembered

that Darrin said he was going to take a walk,

and he wanted me to meet him at the Gloucester House.

You suddenly remembered?

Yes.

I-I told you I get a little lightheaded

when I get hungry.

Especially for lobster.

All right, Tate, let's go.

All this talk about lobster is making me hungry.

May I help you?

Uh, we're looking for Mr. Darrin Stephens.

Uh, we have a reservation for Mr. Stephens,

but I don't believe he's arrived yet.

Well, that's strange. I wonder what's holding him up.

I hate to think.

Larry, w-why don't you and Mr. Barrows

go to the table?

I'll join you in a moment.

Right this way.

Mr. Barrows.

Bartender. Set them up for everybody.

I'm buying.

And forget the little lady who was just here.

She must be a "toteetaler."

A teetotaler. To...

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I got back as soon as I could.

Trust me. I will find Serena

and get you out of there.

In the meantime, keep a stiff upper lip.

Oh, I didn't mean that.

Stars and planets And things in the know

Whisk me to where Romance can grow

Excuse me... but I'm looking for two people

whom I thought might be here.

One is...

Oh, you mean, uh, that pretty girl

and that nutty-looking sailor?

They're the ones.

Not that I watched, mind you,

because it was none of my business,

but they was holding hands,

and kissing and whispering to each other.

Y-you wanna know what they was whispering?

Uh, no, thank you.

Um, I just wanna know where they went.

Well, I, uh...

I turned back to my clipping, like this...

And when I turned back,

like this... they was...

Gone.

Just like you.

When John Paul Potter III drinks, everybody drinks.

Another round for the folks.

Well... the little "toteetaler" is back.

How about a little nip, sweetie?

Oh, well, thanks, uh,

but I think you are doing just fine for both of us.

Cheers.

♪ Whoa-ho Blow the man down ♪

♪ Gimme some fellows To follow the sea ♪

♪ Gimme some time To blow the man down ♪

♪ Blow the man down Please blow the man down ♪

♪ Whoa, oh! Blow the man down ♪

Young man. Will you shut up for a moment?

You watch your tongue, landlubber.

I'll have you swinging from the yardarm.

Now, you listen to me.

We're in a restaurant with a young lady.

Now, if I checked my umbrella,

I see no reason why you can't check your hat.

You won't take my hat.

Ah. There you are.

Sam, look who we ran into:

Serena and her... boyfriend.

I can't imagine what's keeping Darrin.

No offense, Mrs. Stephens,

but I'll give him five more minutes,

and then I leave.

And with me, Tate, goes my account.

Serena, I think you and I

should have a few words together.

Excuse me, my little chicken of the sea.

Oh! Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Chicken of the sea. That's me.

Serena, I don't wanna know how,

and I don't wanna know why.

I just want a fair exchange:

Darrin for your seaman.

Well, okay, coz, but believe me...

that is not a fair exchange.

Are you sure you ladies wouldn't like a little drinky-poo?

Potter's springing.

So is Serena.

I think the party's over.

So long, dumbo.

Sam, what's happening?

Shh, shh.

♪ Blow the man down Will we blow the man down ♪

♪ Whoa, oh... ♪

I hate to interrupt your good time,

but if the Pirate of Penzance

isn't out of here immediately,

Barrows Umbrellas will be.

Where did he go?

He was, uh, shanghaied.

Come on. Come on.

All right, Tate, let's get

my hat and umbrella, and go.

But, Mr. Barrows...

Gentlemen, look who I found waiting outside.

Darrin. Thank heaven. Larry.

Uh, Mr. Barrows, this is Darrin Stephens.

Hello, Stephens. Oh, Mr. Barrows.

Uh, Darrin, I've just been telling Mr. Barrows

that the only reason you're at Salem

is to work on some ideas for Barrows Umbrellas.

Mr. Stephens...

I've had a very difficult and strange day.

I no longer have any interest in any of your ideas.

Uh, Mr. Barrows,

i-if you don't want to listen to Darrin, uh,

would you listen to me?

Mrs. Stephens, I'm a businessman most of the time...

but I'm a gentleman all the time.

Please sit down.

Oh, thank you.

Now... tell me about it.

Well... Darrin's idea

is to use the Fisherman's Memorial

as a symbol for Barrows Umbrellas.

That's why we were there.

Uh-huh.

Mr. Barrows, what percentage of

umbrellas are bought by women?

About 80 percent.

Aha.

The men don't seem to wanna buy 'em, right?

Well, you see, Darrin's idea

is to make the umbrella more attractive to men

by associating it with a...

A masculine symbol: the Fisherman's Memorial.

Hmm.

Mr. Barrows, I'm sure if you hear

Darrin present his idea,

it'll be more impressive.

I like that idea.

But I doubt it.

You know, Samantha explained it so beautifully.

Tell us the rest of it, young man.

Uh, picture this:

The helmsman, standing in the face of a fierce storm,

one hand on the wheel,

the other holding a Barrows umbrella.

I love it.

"Even the men who go down to the sea in ships

carry Barrows umbrellas."

Stephens... it's sensational.

Sensational.

You were well worth waiting for.

I told you he would be.

You son of a gun.

But I'd still like to know

where you've been all this time.

W-well, Darrin was just

staring out to the sea, thinking.

Isn't that right, sweetheart?

Yeah. Heh-heh. That's right.

Well, let's everybody have a drink.

Oh, great idea.

Waitress. Waitress.

Doubles.

You know, sweetheart, that's a great idea.

"Even men that go down to the sea in ships

carry Barrows umbrellas."

I've got an idea for another slogan:

"Not even a nor'easter can blow out a Barrows umbrella."

Hi.

Speaking of ill winds...

Watch it, ding-dong.

I just popped in to give you the opportunity of thanking me.

For what?

Well, you landed the dumb account, didn't you?

I'll thank you to blow outta here.

Ta-ta.

Darrin... you know something?

I think I liked your first slogan better.

Oh, boy.

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and promotional consideration for location shooting

in Salem provided by American Airlines.

It's good to travel on American Airlines.