Original subtitles

Oh, honey. Oh, gosh.

Oh, that's just great. Thank you, sweetheart.

Now, open the champagne. I have one more surprise.

I don't know if I can stand any more surprises.

Well, this is a special surprise.

Something for both of us.

Sounds intriguing. Give me a hint.

♪♪

That's a hint? What'd you give me, the Eiffel Tower?

♪♪

Daddy!

I should've known.

Oh, well, sweetheart, I had no idea. Oh!

What a wonderful surprise.

To her, he's a wonderful surprise.

To me, he's a demolition ball.

Samantha, my child, let me look at you.

Mmm, magnificent as always.

And why not? After all, I'm your daughter. Precisely.

Excuse me, but I believe your car is parked on my rug.

Oh, does that distress you?

No trouble. Macbeth, later.

Samantha, as I recall, we were discussing something rather fascinating.

What was it? You.

Ah! Yes, of course.

It seems there's a hole in my wall.

- Does that distress you too? - Not aesthetically, but I'm freezing.

Of course. How thoughtless of me. Close, sesame!

If I seem to be more affable than usual, Dolphin...

Darrin.

It's only because you happen to be standing...

in the fallout of my love for my daughter.

Of course. How are you, sir?

Blooming, blooming, in magnificent health.

He wouldn't have it any other way.

Certainly not.

- Happy birthday, my boy. - "My boy"?

Well, isn't that the proper way to address one's son-in-law?

Well, it is sort of a shock.

I admit that I merely tolerated this marriage right from the start.

But when I see the glow in my daughter's eyes, the warmth of her smile,

the aura of beauty that surrounds her,

well, you put it there.

How, I'll never know.

But there it is to see. Thank you, sir.

- Yeah, thanks. - Let's drink to that.

I'd like a very dry martini. Spanish gin, Italian vermouth and a Greek olive.

Well, I don't know if we have those ingredients in the house.

Oh, don't bother. I'll fix it myself.

In appreciation for your having made my daughter so happy, Dolphin...

Darrin.

I'd like you to accept a small token of my halfhearted esteem.

A little birthday present, if you will.

Well, thank you, sir.

Oh, let's not be so formal. Call me Maurice.

I'll try. It's a lighter and a perpetual calendar.

Well, how about that?

Yes, I've invested that lighter with a small portion of my own powers...

so that it may serve your every command.

You mean, um, if I use this, I can, um,

zap this and pow that and ring-a-ding up anything I want?

Crudely but accurately expressed.

Maurice, I appreciate your gesture. I'm sorry I can't accept it.

You have the effrontery to refuse my gift?

How dare you! Now, let's not get all steamed up, Maurice.

- "Sir" to you, Dustbin. - Darrin!

Uh, D-Daddy,

I-I think Darrin's just trying to remind you...

how he feels about taking advantage of you know what.

Samantha, you've picked a lemon in the garden of love.

You're married to an obstinate fool, a stubborn jackass.

I am not!

Darrin is-is a wonderful human being.

Not necessarily.

Samantha, I think there's a jackass on your rug.

Good grief!

And that, my dear, is final.

But why?

Oh, just an honest difference of opinion.

You say he isn't a jackass. I say he is. Oh!

Oh, Daddy!

Daddy, how could you do such a thing to Darrin?

You've taken away the one thing that's made me so happy.

Samantha, I have not taken away the cause of your happiness.

I've simply changed his form, and not much at that.

Well, I-I happen to prefer the original.

Don't you worry, sweetheart.

We'll-We'll get you out of there. Won't we, Dad...

Daddy? Daddy?

Oh, Daddy, this is no time to play hide-and-seek.

You come back here right now!

It's way past our bedtime!

Oh, Father, if malice could be mined like gold,

you'd be worth a fortune.

Darrin?

Sweetheart, I love you.

Now, look. I-I-I don't blame you for being a little bit upset.

But... Well, look.

I promise you. You don't have to be a mule any...

Any longer than absolutely necessary.

Now, sweetheart, when-when-when Daddy gets back...

Well, I-I-I must admit he deserves it,

but I wouldn't press your luck.

In the meantime, we'll just have to adjust.

Sweetheart, wouldn't you be a little more comfortable if you slept outside?

It-It's a lovely, warm night. Uh, come look.

And you forgot to mow the lawn out back,

so it's nice and thick.

See?

It'll be nice under the stars.

I could get a sleeping bag and join you.

Abner, there's a jackass in the Stephens's living room!

Is that a nice way to talk about your neighbors?

I mean, a real jackass.

What's an eight-letter word for murder?

Abner, why don't you ever listen to me?

I listen to you all the time, except when you talk. There, I draw the line.

If you're worried about Tabitha having a trauma over this, don't.

She took the news like a good little sport.

Um, as a matter of fact,

she wanted to know when you'd take her for a ride.

Well, I'm-I'm sorry, sweetheart, but you can hardly blame her.

I'm fixing your favorite breakfast. Eggs Benedict.

Good morning, Mrs. Kravitz.

Uh, what's that in your kitchen?

- What's what in my kitchen? - Uh, the mule.

It's a mule.

That's what I thought it was.

I stayed up all night trying to convince Abner...

there was a mule in your house.

That's my daddy.

Your what?

She named him Daddy.

Well, that's what he is. My grandpa made a no-no.

I'll say that's a no-no.

You're not allowed to keep mules as pets.

He's not a pet. He's my daddy.

Tabitha, it isn't nice to argue with grown-ups. Run outside and play.

Even if you were allowed to keep a mule in the house, who would want to?

I mean, it's not sanitary.

I assure you. He is bathed regularly and is quite housebroken.

Here you are, Daddy.

You're feeding eggs Benedict to a mule?

A happy pet is a healthy pet.

Eat up.

Not so fast, uh, Daddy.

Abner will never believe it!

I don't believe it.

I tell you. It is a jackass,

and she is feeding him eggs Benedict for breakfast.

Lucky jackass. All I ever get is lumpy oatmeal.

Laugh, laugh.

I have a good mind to call the animal shelter.

Mother? Mother, I know you can hear me,

so put that champagne down right this minute...

and get over here tout de suite.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Champagne should never be gulped.

Now, what is your problem?

Well... Oh!

I see you have a new pet.

Oh, how nice.

It's not nice at all. It's Darrin.

Oh. Oh, of course.

I'd know him anywhere.

- Mother! - Very well.

You and Durwood had a quarrel.

No. Daddy and Dur... Darrin had a quarrel.

Spare me the gory details.

- What am I gonna do? - Nothing.

Nothing, of course. I've always said Father knows best.

You've never said that!

I'm saying it now.

Oh, Mother, stop kidding around. You have to help me find him.

Let me see.

If I know your father, and I think I do,

he'll be flitting about the south of France this time of year.

Well, why don't you pop over and track him down?

It's your problem, Samantha. You argue with him.

But who'd babysit with Tabitha?

Durwood, of course!

In case of an emergency, he can always bray for help.

Oh, such wit.

We'll only be gone a few minutes.

Well, uh...

N-Now, sweetheart, we'll be back just as soon as we can find Daddy.

I hate long farewells. I don't want you to worry about a thing.

Just take good care of Tabitha...

And the countess was never quite the same.

Santé!

- Ah, bonjour, mesdames. - Hi.

I'd ask you to join us, but the table is so small.

Oh, Yvette, this is my daughter, and my... her mother.

- Bonjour. - Bonjour.

Daddy, I must talk to you about Darrin.

Ah, ah. Dr. Bombay forbids me to discuss family problems at the aperitif hour.

It gives me heartburn.

Daddy, you have to help Darrin.

Well, if he needs help, I suggest you call in a qualified veterinarian.

You know exactly the kind of help I'm talking about.

He cannot go to the office in that asinine condition.

Then I suggest he try a different line of work.

Say, uh, drawing a milk wagon, huh?

That's very good, Maurice.

Now help your child so I can get on with my shopping.

Yes, but not right away. I'm taking my final exams this afternoon.

In what, may I ask?

Karate. Yvette is my karate instructor.

Maurice. Ah!

I'm sorry to be late. That's quite all right, my dear.

Samantha, Endora, this is Angelique,

an associate of Yvette's in the karate business.

Imagine that...

At your age to take them on two at a time.

It's an advanced course,

and quite handy in the event one is attacked both from the front and the rear.

That event may be coming up right now.

Samantha, you're turning into a nudge.

Ladies, enjoy your drinks...

and, uh, go on over to the studio.

I'll join you later. If I'm delayed, you can start without me.

Darrin, Tabitha, we're home,

and Grandpapa is with us.

Mommy! Mommy! What is it?

It's Daddy. They took him away just now.

They... Who took him away?

Two men in white coats, no doubt.

Green coats.

Mrs. Kravitz came in with them.

They put him in a truck and said Daddy couldn't live here anymore.

What man? What truck?

I don't know. He gave me this.

"The animal shelter"? Good grief!

Oh, let's look on the brighter side of things.

Among all those dumb animals, Dolphin should be quite at home.

Psst! Darrin!

Darrin? Sweetheart?

Oh, sweetheart, I just found out.

Well, it must've been terrible for you.

It's din-din time, kids. Come and get it!

Come on, sweetheart. We're going home.

Did you see that?

See what?

Nothing.

All right,

who's the wise guy who's hiding the mule?

Sure, you play chess while I'm feeling so guilty...

at what I did to that poor, dumb animal.

I could cut my throat!

I think I put a new blade in the razor this morning.

It's your move.

Mrs. Stephens'll probably never speak to me again.

I'll send her a letter of congratulations in the morning.

Abner, the-the jackass is back!

Ah, mule, sweet mule,

parting is such sweet sorrow.

But Dolphin must be back at work tomorrow.

That's terrible!

Mmm. I thought I read it rather well.

I mean, he's not changing.

Yes. Well, you win some, you lose some.

Well, I must get cracking, or I shall be late for my karate finals.

Ah, ah... No, you don't!

You're not leaving here until you give Darrin

back to me exactly the way you found him.

Ah, the sacrifices a father makes for his child.

I'll try the laying on of hands.

Oh, lowly beast of the field,

be welcomed unto the fold.

Believe, and the gates of your heart shall open wide,

and you will walk through.

Hallelujah.

Nothing's happening.

What do you mean? Plenty is happening.

I'm getting an abominable headache.

Wait. Half a mo.

That's the fly in the witch's ointment.

The jackass and I are both trying too hard.

Oh, Daddy, for heaven's sakes.

This is no time for chess. It is precisely the time for chess.

Mutual concentration on a common problem will make us as one.

Beauty and the beast.

Come along, Dolphin. You're white. Your move.

All-All right, sweetheart.

Just, um... Just point it out.

Gently, sweetheart.

Oh. You have very clumsy lips, sweetheart.

I'll move this for you.

Aha!

The Ruy Lopez opening. A crafty little beast, aren't you?

Are you sure, Darrin?

I will not tolerate coaching from the

sidelines. Let the jackass play his own game.

Uh, I knocked, but no one heard me.

Let's get on with the game. It's your move.

He's playing chess?

Amazing.

What's so amazing? I usually beat him two out of three.

I can't wait to tell Abner about this!

Aha! You're getting into trouble there, Dolphin.

Get your bishop out of the way, and you can castle.

Castle? King Arthur!

By George, I've got it!

I once had a run-in with a cowardly knight and turned him into...

Well, that doesn't matter. Last night,

when I wrought that remarkable change for the better in your husband's appearance,

I was standing here, Dolphin was there,

Samantha, you were here, and... let me see.

Endora, you were nowhere. Scat!

Now we must get rid of this.

Now we shall recreate the entire event.

You have the effrontery to refuse my gift?

How dare you! Now, let's not get all steamed up, Maurice.

"Sir" to you, Dustbin. Darrin.

Uh, D-Daddy,

I-I think Darrin's just trying to remind you...

how he feels about taking advantage of you know what.

Samantha, you've picked a lemon in the garden of love.

You're married to an obstinate fool, a stubborn jackass.

I am not!

Darrin is-is a wonderful human being.

Not necessarily.

Samantha, I think there's a jackass on your rug.

Hold it!

Reverse!

Voilà!

Thank you from the bottom of my withers!

Not at all, my boy.

As Bill Shakespeare once said to me,

"The quality of mercy is not strained.

"It droppeth as a gentle rain from heaven upon the place beneath.

It is twice blessed. It blesseth him that gives and him that takes."

Daddy. Um, let's not get carried away.

Oh. Terribly sorry.

Ah, Endora, Endora.

It's hard to be a parent. Yes, darling.

Darrin was tired, so he went to bed.

Daddy, I'm worried.

He was thirsty, and, um...

That's something to worry about?

He wants his water in a bucket.

That is something to worry about.

Forget it, child. It's merely the residual of his recent hee-haw.

It'll pass in time.

Mrs. Stephens? Oh, hi.

Mrs. Stephens, I need the name of a good sanitarium.

Oh, is, uh, something wrong with you, Mr. Kravitz?

Not me... Gladys. The poor kid. You know what she said?

She said you have a jackass that plays chess and that could probably beat me.

Can I live with a sickie like that?

Well, um, as-as a matter of fact,

our jackass did play chess.

You'll have to show me.

Well, um, he's gone.

Please, Mrs. Stephens, don't try to protect Gladys.

What my daughter meant was that the jackass...

has just gone into the kitchen for some milk and cookies.

I'll fetch him.

- Is he kidding? - I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

Daddy? I never could resist a ripping game of chess.

You're white, Mr. Kravitz.

It's your move.