Original subtitles

I'm coming!

- Are you the lady of the house? - Yes.

Well, if you don't mind me saying so, you're some looker.

I mean, most housewives that open the door,

they look like they ought to be riding their brooms instead of sweeping with them.

Careful. Some of my best friends are witches.

If you've come about magazines,

we already take more than we have time for.

No, no, no, no, no. You see, it's about my trip to Europe.

You see, I just have to win 150 more points and then...

And the way to win more points is to sell subscriptions, right?

Well, if you want to put it that way.

You said it wasn't about magazines.

It's not. It's about subscriptions.

Oh, that's probably someone offering me an absolutely free dance course,

which I can have for only 24 easy payments.

Hello. Oh, hi, sweetheart.

I miss you too. You in Boston already?

It seems we just put you on the plane.

Everything all right? You left what where?

A manila envelope on the front seat of the car marked "Strothers account."

Yeah, well I'll get 'em to you in no time.

Of course, in a plane, sweetheart.

- Yes. I-I promise. - Bye-bye.

Hey.

Since your hubby's out of town,

what do you say me and you go out on it tonight?

I'd love to.

What time do you want to pick me up, honey?

Ooh.

Victoria, I want you to come down here this instant!

Oh, do be a good girl and come along.

Hello, Miss Parsons. Oh, oh, hello, Mrs. Stephens.

You having trouble with Victoria again?

Well, it's just that she's so dreadfully good about getting up trees...

and so dreadfully bad about getting down.

Victoria! Clever girl.

You learned to do it. Yes!

Hi there!

Gracious! Where did you come from?

The stork brought me?

Serena...

Miss Parsons, th-this is my cousin, Serena. Where did she come from?

The cabbage patch.

Now d-don't you pay any attention to her. She's a real kook.

B-But she wasn't there, and then suddenly she was.

N-Now, you know that's impossible, Miss Parsons.

Your eyes must have played a trick on you.

What to see me do it again?

- Here I am. - Oh, dear.

- Serena. - Well, what do you expect of a kook?

It must be because I haven't been taking my nerve medicine regularly.

Ohh, that must be it.

Now, Miss Parsons, why don't you run home and fix yourself a nice pot of hot tea?

Oh, yes. Yes, I guess I'll do that. Good-bye, Mrs. Stephens.

Good grief, Serena.

What a priceless antique. Where did you get her?

Don't you make fun of her. She's one of our nicest neighbors.

You've got to be kidding.

Ta-ta.

No, I am not kidding. I admire Miss Parsons.

For what? For her good, kind heart.

Why, she can't even turn away a stray cat.

How devastatingly dull.

Which reminds me, how long will Darrin be gone?

How did you know he was away?

Oh, I heard it on the wind. Good news travels fast.

You know, you're not the only one around here who can turn people into artichokes.

Blah.

Before we can have our visit, I have to get this to Darrin.

Well, give it to me. I'll zap it right into his hand.

No zapping. I promised.

How much longer do you want the little princess to sleep?

- Oh, about an hour. - So be it.

By that hourglass.

Swell. I don't suppose you could have just turned it over?

Manual labor? With a talent like mine? Never.

Serena, please promise me.

While I'm gone, no more horsing around.

I'll promise something better than that.

I'll tidy up the place for you while you're gone.

Just read a good book.

Oh, I love it, Samantha.

And don't let anybody tell you that color isn't becoming.

Did you do the dye job all by yourself?

This happens to be my natural color.

Oh, Darrin never told me you were a bleached blonde.

Perhaps he didn't think it was any of your business, whoever you may be.

Samantha, what's gotten into you?

I'm not Samantha. I'm her cousin, Serena.

Oh!

Oh, how do you do? I'm Samantha's mother-in-law,

and I-I've come to keep her company.

Oh. Well, she's out on an errand.

A long errand. I'll tell her you dropped by.

Why don't I just come in and wait?

I don't expect her back for hours.

Good. That'll give us time for a nice long chat.

We see so little of Samantha's relatives.

Tell me, are you a cousin on her mother's side or her father's?

- Her father's. - Oh, that's interesting.

We've never even met him. I mean, we don't even know what he does.

Does? Nothing. He basks.

Well, how nice for him. How did he make his money?

In the basement.

How amusing.

I'm beginning to find you pretty amusing too, sweetie.

May I take your things?

Thank you.

Where's little Tabitha? Upstairs.

I think I'll go up and say hello.

Not now, if you don't mind. She still has some time to go on her nap.

Oh. I was just noticing that, um...

That's a rather unusual hourglass. It is?

Yes. I don't think I've ever seen one quite like it before.

Well, Samantha's always had unusual taste.

In people too.

Darrin, for instance, is extremely unusual.

Why, thank you, Serena. And speaking of unusual people,

we have met Samantha's mother.

She's a very sweet person.

I wouldn't say that to her face.

Speaking of her face, and just between us,

don't you think her makeup is a tiny bit overdone for a woman her age?

I mean, she must be at least...

She admits to a thousand.

I deserved that.

What's so different is that th-the sand goes up.

It's supposed to go down.

- Really? - The law of gravity.

Does it make you nervous, Mrs. Stephens?

If you want the truth, very.

Would you like me to stop it?

If you would.

Better?

No. No, I think it's worse.

How about some nice, reassuring sherry? That would be nice.

Right behind you.

Help yourself.

I imagine Samantha keeps a little sherry on hand for her Uncle Arthur.

Why would you think that?

Oh, don't misunderstand, Serena.

I think Samantha's Uncle Arthur has a marvelous sense of humor.

It's just that his, uh...

His practical jokes are sometimes so unexpected.

Don't you think perhaps he, um, nips it up a bit?

Occasionally. Only when he needs reassuring.

That's what I meant.

Perhaps if you covered it.

It's not dead, Mrs. Stephens. Besides, I'm timing Tabitha's nap.

I worry about that child. Tabitha?

I can be honest with you, can't I?

Please do.

Well, Samantha wants to keep this baby all to herself.

Of course, I wouldn't dream of saying it to Samantha,

but she's being very selfish.

And perhaps someone other than her mother-in-law should advise her.

For her own good? Of course.

And for Tabitha's. Why, it would break my heart...

to see that darling child follow her mother's example and grow up to be selfish.

That rips it!

Meow, meow yourself.

Samantha would never forgive me if I left Tabitha alone.

Maybe some nice dog will find her.

Stop that!

Stop that, you bad dog! Leave that kitty alone.

Leave her alone, now. I'm coming, yes.

Go on! Go on! Go.

Oh, you poor, sweet little kitty.

Oh, that's a good girl.

Well, you do talk, don't you?

Well, maybe a nice saucer of warm milk will help calm you. Come on.

We'll get you some milk.

♪♪

♪♪

Serena.

Serena, what are you trying to do? Deafen the entire neighborhood?

I haven't heard any complaints.

Well, who can hear anything over that?

♪♪

♪♪

- How's Tabitha? - Fine. She's upstairs.

So, let's have some coffee.

And I will fill you in on what's been going on in our world.

Endora is playing duets on the sitar with Ravi,

and she's practically taken over the guru.

He refuses to meditate with anyone else.

Someone was here. Really? Who was it?

Serena, stop stalling. Who was it?

Oh, yes, your mother-in-law. How could I possibly forget her?

She left without her purse? Apparently.

Well, I'll call her at home and tell her it's here, so she won't worry.

She's not home. Where is she?

Now, that is a good question. But I have a better one.

Why not ask what is she?

Because I'm terrified to.

You're going to be thrilled. I turned her into a cat.

You what?

A common alley cat.

Serena, how could you?

Because she had her catty claws into all of us,

including dear Uncle Arthur, whom she practically accused of being a tosspot.

No, no, don't thank me. It was a pleasure.

Thanking you isn't exactly what I have in mind.

You should have heard what she had to say about you.

I don't care what she... What'd she say?

I thought you didn't care.

I don't. Where is she?

Who cares? I do.

You're joshing. And she has a husband at home.

Not often, I'm sure.

Serena, for the last time, where is she?

I don't know where she is.

The last I saw, she ran out into the patio and behind the fence.

- I'm going to look for her. - Oh, what a pity.

- We won't be able to have our little visit. - That's right.

You're gonna stay right here and wait,

and I'm gonna find Mrs. Stephens, and you're going to turn her back.

And then, you are going to blow out of here.

Oh, Sammy.

You used to be such fun before you caught mortalitis.

Mrs. Stephens? Mrs. Stephens!

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, Mrs. Stephens.

Here's the combination for you.

A year of Liberty and two of Collier's. And all for only $10.

Mrs. Stephens. Mrs. Stephens.

Mrs. Stephens? Mrs. Stephens?

- Mrs. Stephens? - Oh, Samantha. Are you looking for someone?

Well, you might say so. May I come in?

Is your cousin with you?

- No. - Oh, then of course.

What came over him? Well, I haven't the faintest idea.

I was helping him win points by subscribing to Liberty and Collier's.

I wouldn't feel too sorry for him.

Those magazines haven't been published for years. Oh, my goodness.

Miss Parsons, we have recently acquired a pet cat.

Oh, lovely! Yes.

Well, it isn't too lovely at the moment. You see, she ran away.

I thought maybe she'd turned up here.

Well, as a matter of fact, a stray did turn up here a while back.

Oh, good! Yes.

Which one is she? Well, I can't really tell.

They look so much alike.

She meowed a lot when she first arrived.

That would be the one. I'm surprised you don't know your own pet.

Yes. Well, a-as I said,

I haven't had her very long, and-and she's sort of a gadabout,

so I haven't seen much of her.

Maybe she'd come if I called. Yes!

Mrs. Stephens.

Mrs. Stephens? An odd name for a cat.

Tabitha named her. After her grandmother.

Mrs. Stephens?

Mrs. Stephens, where are you?

- Hi. - I don't know what to mention first.

Your new hair, or the remote control on the door.

I approve of both.

You're not so bad yourself.

Well, thank you. I came here to pick up Phyllis.

Phyllis? Yes. My wife. Your mother-in-law.

Oh, you're her husband. She asked me to pick her up at 5:00.

Tell me, w-would you miss her...

if she sort of got lost?

Samantha, what are you talking about?

I'm Serena, Samantha's cousin.

And I'm afraid that I like to horse around sometimes.

Like now.

She's obviously not gonna cooperate.

Cats can be difficult at times.

Cats and cousins.

Oh-oh, excuse me. That's the back door.

Yes. Certainly.

Mrs. Stephens stays a cat. The rest of you are pups... Like that.

Dear, this has been a day.

This morning, I was seeing things. Now I'm hearing things.

I wonder when the dizzy spells start.

Let barks be gone and don't come back.

Instead of cats we'll have no lack.

I could have sworn I heard barking.

It must have been outside. It sounded so close.

Oh, I see you found Mrs. Stephens.

Yes. Thank you for taking her in. Oh, my pleasure.

She can keep her little bell. Oh, thank you again.

It's to warn the birds.

Miss Parsons, you seem rather nervous. Are you all right?

Yes, dear. I-I think so.

But I don't ever remember having a more bewildering day.

Oh, well, they happen to all of us.

Try not to think about it.

Oh! Mr. Stephens, I didn't expect...

Well, what a pleasant surprise.

- I came by to pick up Phyllis. - Oh? Well, she...

She stopped to admire the garden next door.

Ooh!

Oh, uh, n-nothing personal. But I'm allergic to you.

Then you will get rid of her... Won't you, Serena?

Reluctantly, coz, reluctantly.

I do hate to undo such a good deed.

My, that sherry was strong.

Oh, is it 5:00 already?

Why, it's about half past.

My, this afternoon has gone by quickly.

Oh, dear, I'd forgotten about that.

Frank, will you come and look at this?

Did you ever see such an unusual hourglass?

No, I never have. It's enormous.

Is anybody else warm?

Phyllis, what is that around your neck?

My bell, to warn the birds.

Your bell to warn the birds? Did I say that?

It looks just like the one the cat had on.

- What cat? - The one who was here,

when you stopped to admire the garden next door.

Garden next door?

Would you like some of Uncle Arthur's sherry?

Yes. Yes, I think I would.

I-I'll pour it for you. Thank you.

My, it's nice to know there's a tosspot on Darrin's side of the family.

Evens things out so nicely.