Original subtitles

Serena! I might have known.

Who were you expecting, Steve McQueen?

Samantha, may I present Clio Vanita?

Darling. How do you... Mm, naughty boy.

Did you not promise to take me to lunch, eh? And yet you never called.

Come to Rome with me.

What for? Uh, don't answer that!

No one is going to make a monkey out of my cousin.

Where's Miss Vanita? Right up there.

- You took a live client and turned her into a monkey? - Serena did it.

I've sent emergency calls out everywhere.

No response. Serena's just being stubborn.

Sam, what are we going to do? That monkey has to be at a meeting at 11:00 tomorrow.

No! No!

Hey.

Sweetheart, what's the matter?

Oh, boy.

What a horrible nightmare.

I dreamt that one of our clients was over for dinner...

Clio Vanita of the Vanita wine account.

Whew! Sweetheart, she was here for dinner last night.

That was last night? Mm-hmm.

And it wasn't a dream.

What?

Samantha, isn't there anything else you can do to get Serena to come back here?

A spell you can cast? A hex? Something?

Sweetheart, I've already alerted every member

of the family to be on the lookout for Serena.

They know how important it is. All we can do is wait.

Sam, I've got an 11:00 meeting at the office...

with Larry and that monkey to sign a new contract.

What am I going to do? Get a monkey-print for a signature?

I'll tell you one thing:

We mortals may not be perfect, but if we could change a person into a monkey,

our scientists would certainly find a way to change him back.

What am I saying? I must be having a nervous breakdown.

- Spaghetti? - It's the only thing she'd eat.

- Will she remember any of this? - No.

Shut up, you rotten, little monkey!

It's Serena! She's come back.

Darrin, since when does Serena ring the doorbell?

I lost my head.

My gosh, it's Larry! Keep her out of sight.

Why?

I told Larry I drove Clio home last night. If he sees her...

You're right. I'd better get ahold of myself.

Hi, Larry. Hi, Darrin. Ha!

I thought you and I could drive into work together, and you can fill me in on things.

What are you talking about? What do you think?

That was pretty cute the way you maneuvered

it last night so you could drive Clio home.

So don't keep me in suspense. Did you patch it up?

Hey!

Cut it out.

Did you find out who it belongs to? Uh, not yet.

W-W... Will you stop that?

Sorry, sweetheart. She got away from me.

Good morning, Larry. Hi, Sam.

Looks like you've got a rival.

Well, let's face it: This boy's got a fatal attraction for blondes.

- I noticed that last night. - I was just kidding.

- I wasn't. - If you're talking about Clio Vanita,

let me assure you that Darrin... Larry, obviously, I'm not ready to leave,

and I don't want to make you late for the office, so... Oh, yeah.

Well, I-I'd better be going.

Honey. I-I'll take her.

And, uh, please keep trying to reach that party.

I will.

Come on.

Look at the cute, little way she swings her hips. Larry!

I was talking about the monkey. Oh.

Heh! Well, I'll see you later, then, huh? Mm-hmm.

What'd I forget?

Oh, yeah... The reason I stopped by.

What about Clio? What about her?

What happened when you drove her home last night?

Why, uh... Yes, Sam?

What is it?

I thought you called me.

Didn't you call me?

Well, either way, I'll be with you in a minute. Larry was just leaving.

I'll tell you all about it later, Larry.

But I... So long! So long!

Uh, what was all that about? I just had to get rid of him. Where's Clio?

I tied her up out on the patio. Listen, Sam, I

don't know how much longer I can keep this up.

If we don't... Yoo-hoo! Samantha, I'm back.

What are you doing in that outfit?

What else do you wear to go boating on the Nile?

I never thought I'd say it, but am I glad to see you.

I wish I could say the same.

Serena, Darrin's just trying to be nice.

It's a hopeless task.

Now, are you two going to stop bugging me?

Of course, as soon as you change that monkey back into my client. Please, Serena?

Well!

We're all sugar and spice today, aren't we?

Yesterday it was straight arsenic and old lace.

Well, that's because Darrin isn't a spiteful person, Serena.

He, um... He realizes that he was a little unfair to you, and he's sorry.

- Aren't you, dear? - I've never been sorrier.

Serena, please.

Time is of the essence.

I don't know how I'm going to explain to Clio where she was all night,

but I'll figure that out when, uh...

Sam, where's the monkey?

I tied her right...

Oh, dear. She must have slipped the noose.

No use wasting a good noose. I'll just hang myself.

Oh, now, Darrin, stop that. She must be somewhere in the neighborhood.

Well, as long as you don't need me, I'll be getting back.

But we do need you. Someone has to stay with Tabitha.

And as soon as we find the monkey, you have to change her back.

And for Pete's sake, will you put some clothes on?

Clio! Clio?

Cli... Clio, where are you?

Cli... Oh, Clio. Come here, Clio!

Clio!

Clio! I got a nice banana for ya!

Oh, Clio!

Yoo-hoo! ♪ Cli-io ♪

Ow.

Everybody's a critic.

Clio!

You did see a monkey? Where? Where?

Darrin, come quick! Where'd you see it?

A friend of mine found one this morning. He took it home.

A friend of his found the monkey and took it home. A blonde monkey?

Yeah. Mm, excuse us.

The meeting's in 45 minutes. I'll go to the

office and stall Larry while you get the monkey,

and... you know what. Sweetheart, will you get going so I can get going?

Okay. Bye.

Where's this friend live? He didn't know who it belonged to.

It didn't have a license or anything. That's the only reason he took it home.

We don't want to cause your friend any trouble. We just want the monkey.

Oh, 134 Elm.

134 Elm. Thanks.

And, boy, will his mother be glad to see you.

Oh, am I glad to see you! Do you know what that monkey did to my place?

Believe me, I'll pay for any damage. Believe me, I know you will!

It tore my curtains, broke a lamp... Oh, and not just any lamp.

It has to be the lamp my mother-in-law gave us, and she knows I hate it!

What am I gonna tell her? Broke three dishes from my best china...

Well, I'm sorry if you've been inconvenienced... Inconvenienced?

My house is a wreck!

Uh, would, uh, $20 make you happy?

- That's all? - How much happiness do you want?

- How about 30? - How about 25?

I'll take it.

Uh, n-now may I have the monkey?

Are you kidding? You don't think I'd keep that little monster here.

- What did you do with her? - My kid took her down to the pet shop...

Goddard's on Main Street.

Personally, I think he was taken advantage of. He only got $10.

What are you doing? Taking a little happiness for myself.

You sold the monkey already?

Lady, it was one of the fastest turnovers I ever had.

Who bought her? A fellow named Joe Scibetta.

You know, he took one look at that monkey and fell in love.

Scibetta. Hmm. Wonder if he knew Clio's Italian.

- What? - Never mind. May I use your phone?

Uh, sure. Help yourself.

Say, uh, I hope that monkey wasn't stolen.

- Uh, no, she just ran away. - Because I'm a reputable dealer, and...

Mr. Stephens, please. Mrs. Stephens.

Could you tell me where this Joe Scibetta lives?

I can't tell you his exact address, but I can tell you where you can find him.

Oh, hi, Darrin.

Ye... Yes, I know it's 11:30.

No, she wasn't there.

Sweetheart, you don't have to remind me that

Clio's account is worth half a million dollars.

- I thought you said Clio was the monkey's name. - It is.

Sweetheart, I'm just as anxious as you are

to get her back there, but I may be delayed.

Look, why don't you make it a luncheon meeting?

You and Larry and Clio can have a couple of drinks and eat in the boardroom.

Oh! Oh, my, oh, my.

I knew I sold that monkey too cheap.

♪♪

No! I'm-a no sell-a this monkey for all the money in the world.

But you have to sell her to me.

She... Well, I-I know this monkey very well,

and-and she just won't be happy doing this kind of work.

What are you talking about? She's the best monkey I've ever had.

Well, look at this monkey. Look-a how happy, eh?

Blondes have-a more fun.

No! No, I no sell her for nothing.

Suppose I get you another monkey?

No.

With this-a monkey, I'm-a gonna make my dream come true.

Dream? Sì.

Ever since I come to this country, I have-a one dream in my heart.

- What's that? - To go back-a to old country.

Mr. Scibetta,

how would you like a free trip back to Italy?

Ah, heh, you make-a joke with me, uh?

No, no. What I have in mind...

Hey, Scibetta.

What did we tell you about operating without a permit?

Oh. Oh, you tell-a me get one. Well?

- I get one. - You're a wise guy, eh?

Officer, if that's all, we're in a bit of a hurry. Come along, Mr...

Wait a minute, wait a minute. Is that a new monkey?

Oh, sure, sure. She's a beaut, eh?

Oh, yes, very cute. Where is the monkey's license?

Oh, well, I just-a buy her. I no have-a chance to get a license.

An animal has to be processed to make sure he's not a menace to health.

Oh, now there I think I can help you.

I happen to know that this monkey is in perfect health.

If anything, she's too healthy.

That may be as it is, lady, but I am still taking that animal into custody.

- No, you can't do that. - Oh? Well, I think otherwise.

Oww! It... It bit me!

Come here!

Cara mia! Come back to your papa!

Clio!

Come back to me! Clio!

Clio!

Come back! Come back, cara mia!

Clio! Where are you going? Where are you...

Oh!

How did she do that? Mama mia!

Oh, there's something weird about that dame, and I'm gonna find out what it is!

- Halt! - Hmm!

Lady, I'm warning you. I'm gonna count three, and then I'm coming in.

One, two... Do you hear me?

Where's the monkey? What monkey?

Mrs. Stephens...

All right, if that's the way it's gotta be.

And just what did you have in mind?

Thank you, Serena.

I-I think you better get back to Tabitha.

Cousin, how much longer do I have to babysit?

Oh, just a little while longer.

And I promise I'll do the same for you someday.

I sincerely hope not.

I just remembered something.

This isn't my beat.

Where am I?

Why, we're on our way to your meeting with Darrin and Larry Tate.

Darrin suggested that I pick you up...

because you weren't feeling too well when he drove you back to your hotel last night.

I know how you feel, but don't worry.

You look marvelous.

I guess you must be a little confused, huh?

Huh! I'm a whole lots-a confused.

Where's-a my little monkey?

Well, i-it's rather difficult to explain, but it really doesn't matter.

Now, here's what I'd like you to do.

No question about it: She's sore at us.

Why do you keep saying that? Because she was due at 11:00, and it's now 1:30.

I've got three minutes to 1:30. What's the difference?

If she wasn't sore, wouldn't she have called? Not necessarily.

She might not be in a position to call. What do you mean?

She could have been in a terrible accident.

Oh, well, that would certainly make me feel better.

Larry, I don't mean she was in a... Darrin.

Hmm? What went on last night after we left?

You know, something happened with Clio. I know it.

Now, why don't you level with me, hmm?

Larry, there's nothing to tell.

The last I saw of Clio, she was in fine spirits, not a care in the world...

Chattering away, hopping up and down.

Hopping up and down?

Well...

Yes? Mrs. Stephens is here with Miss Vanita.

Thank you. Send them in.

How about that?

Scusa. You know, I'm so sorry.

But I guess I overslept. Oh-ho! Sit down.

Clio, you naughty girl. You really tied one on last night.

Yes, well, Darrin makes a pretty powerful drink.

Lots of times I find that I can't remember what went on at his house.

Uh, the reason we're late is it took me a little time...

to find the right kind of models that you asked for.

Oh, yes! Uh, the models.

- Models? - To go with the new slogan that Darrin came up with.

Darrin, why didn't you tell me about it?

Well, I didn't want you to share the blame in case it didn't go over.

But what is it?

Well, I tried it out on Sam to get the feminine

point of view, and she seemed to like it.

Uh, so, Sam, why don't you try it out on Clio?

Better yet, why don't we show them?

You're gonna love it.

I certainly hope so.

Uh, sweetheart, is this what you had in mind?

Oh, I think so.

Well, uh, would you mind letting us in on it? In on what?

Mmm! I'm beginning to think I was not the only one who had a lot to drink last night.

The slogan, Darrin, the slogan.

Are you ready?

I'm past ready and on my way to angry.

Go ahead, Sam, tell 'em.

Well, sweetheart, it's your idea. You tell them.

Sam! Oh.

Yeah, well, okay.

You see, Darrin wanted to use the organ grinder and his monkey...

to illustrate his slogan, which is:

"Don't monkey around with anything but the best. Drink Vino Vanita."

No wonder you wanted Samantha to say it.

I think it is sensational!

I love it! Didn't I tell you he was a genius?

The organ grinder reminds us of Italy, no?

And the little monkey, charming. How does it go?

Eh, don't fool around with anything but the best.

Mm-hmm. I love it!

Actually, it's, "Don't monkey around with..."

Forget it, Darrin. We made the sale.

We also have a commercial jingle for Vino

Vanita that ties in with these same models...

We do? that we could discuss sometime late tomorrow.

"Don't monkey around with anything but the best."

Hmm. "Monkey around."

It does have a ring to it, no?

Yes, it does, doesn't it?

"Higgledy-piggledy, my red hen." Hm.

"She lays eggs for gentlemen."

Read me another one, Auntie Serena.

Okay, sweets.

"Jack be nimble," Jack be quick.

Jack jump over the candlestick."

More.

Uh-oh.

Here comes your father, the spoilsport.

What's the meaning of this? Beats me.

I don't groove on these nursery rhymes at all, but they sure flip the kid.

Samantha, why don't you take Tabitha into the kitchen for some cookies and milk?

I want to stay and hear you scream, Daddy.

Sam.

Darrin, Serena was just entertaining Tabitha the only way she knows how,

so don't be... And I'm going to be as gracious as I know how.

I hope so.

Come on, sweetheart.

Mm-hmm. Serena, if you'll be good enough...

to get rid of that, I'd like to have a little chat with you.

Well, if we must, we must.

Thank you.

Serena, there's no sense in trying...

to be gracious with you, so I'll just make my point.

The next time you visit here, I'd like to make one simple request.

- What's that? - Don't!

Cousin-in-law, if that's as gracious as you can be,

I am going to show you how entertaining I can be.

Oh, Serena, you're a riot!

Sam!

Darrin, you promised me you were going to be...

And you weren't.

Samantha, do something!

Serena, please?

Not until he apologizes.

Darrin, apologize.

What for? What for?

- He insulted me. - I did not insult her!

You didn't? No! In order for someone to be insulted,

they have to have feelings. Uh-oh.

That did it.

And he can stay that way till doomsday.

Sam, don't let her go. Get her back! I-It's no use, sweetheart.

You'll just have to wait until Serena cools off.

And what do I do in the meantime?

Well, don't worry. With your luck, doomsday may be just around the corner.

Sam! Well?