Original subtitles

There you are, sweetheart.

Your favorite... scrambled eggs and chicken livers.

Mmm.

That's what I like... Wild shouts of approval.

Mm-hmm.

- Tasty? - Great, honey. Best you ever made.

Don't mind me, sweetheart. Just keep on reading.

I'd forgotten what you looked like.

I'm sorry, honey.

But I have a very important meeting on this Stewart presentation...

at noon today, so would you mind changing it back?

Hmm?

Shh. Come in, Mrs. Kravitz.

I have here a little petition signed by a few neighbors.

- Petition? - Mrs. Stephens knew...

we filed it with the commissioner a week ago.

Wow. Talk about the population explosion.

"To the Commissioner of Public Streets and Highways.

"We, the undersigned, do hereby petition...

"for the immediate removal of the willow tree...

"that stands on the property...

"of Darrin and Samantha Stephens,

said tree being a menace to the community."

No one is going to cut down my tree.

It was my very own Mother's Day present from Darrin...

the day Tabitha was born.

Honey, I know how you feel.

I tell you what.

I'll chop it down and make it into a bookcase,

so we'll have it forever.

Just a little joke to break the tension.

The only reason I came over was to suggest that, uh,

well, relationship-wise, with the neighborhood,

it might be better if you did it voluntarily.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

They are not going to cut down my tree.

It can be saved.

Yoo-hoo! Mr. Stephens?

Hi. I'm your new neighbor. I'm Elaine Hanson.

How do you do? I'm Darrin Stephens.

Abner? Huh?

Darrin Stephens is talking to a strange woman.

So what? I'm listening to one.

Could you drive me into the city?

My car is being worked on, and I can pick it up this morning.

Certainly. Hop right in.

From Tripoli to Timbuktu,

I beg, I plead, I beseech of you.

A moment longer do not stay.

Come to me, come to me, Dr. Bombay.

All right, child. Open your eyes, stick out your tongue.

No, don't. It's rude. Thank heaven you're here, Dr. Bombay.

Heaven had nothing to do with it, you naughty witch.

Do you realize you've zapped me out of an ostrich race in Sydney, Australia...

Just as I was crossing the finishing line?

I apologize. Doesn't really matter.

I was coming in last. Now what's the emergency?

That is.

My mother did not send her boy to medical school...

to play wet nurse to a willow.

Well, at least it won't talk back to you.

Please, Dr. Bombay. I tried a tree surgeon and he couldn't do anything,

and I even tried some of my own... you know...

And that didn't do any good.

Then I thought of the most brilliant scientific mind of the age.

- Thank you. - But he died a year ago,

so I decided to call you.

That's hardly a diplomatic remark.

It was meant to be a challenge.

Then I accept it.

Mm-hmm.

Abner? Huh?

Now Mrs. Stephens is talking to a strange man.

Mmm. Why can't you get your nose out of that dumb book?

I want to see how it ends.

It's about the Civil War. The North won. Thank you, Gladys.

If I were a woodpecker, I'd picket your house.

Well, I suggest the merciful thing to do...

is to burn the tree in the nearest fireplace.

No! I want it saved.

It was my very own Mother's Day present.

I can argue with anything...

but the illogical sentiment of women.

Let's have a go at it.

I've got to find out what's going on over there.

I know!

I'll take Mrs. Stephens some of my brownies.

Why? What did she ever do to you?

Weeping willow, black with blight,

I command with all my might.

Let your sap run free and right,

and with every wayward breeze, which within your branches leap,

you will weep and weep and weep.

Water the patient daily, keep the neighborhood pets away from it and pray.

Oh.

You know, I think it's looking better already.

Oh, Dr. Bombay.

I don't know how to thank you.

It really is looking better.

Or is it?

Oh, I don't know what's the matter with me.

I must be over... wrought?

"And with every wayward breeze,

"that within your branches leap,

you will weep and weep and weep."

Oh, good grief! I must have gotten caught in the fallout.

Oh!

Oh.

Dr. Bombay, I think you've made a terrible mistake.

I brought you some brownies.

I know when I get upset, they act like tranquilizers.

Well, thank you very much, Mrs. Kravitz,

but, uh, I'm not upset.

Don't be brave. A sick tree can take a lot out of a person.

By the way, who was...

that gentleman I saw you talking to outside?

Oh, uh...

That was no gentleman. That was my tree doctor.

He's gonna save my willow.

I wish I had known. My petunia plant is developing a fungus.

Oh! What a shame!

Look, Mrs. Stephens, I'm not the smartest person on the block,

but I can see you're very upset about something.

Well, actually, I am upset about my tree.

Look, Mrs. Stephens, I wasn't born yesterday.

That's not tree crying.

That kind of crying only comes from a broken heart.

Is there something wrong between you and Mr. Stephens?

Of course not, Mrs. Kravitz.

Why, Darrin and I are a divinely happy couple.

Sure you are.

Well, I'll be running along now. Bye!

Thanks for the brownies.

"And with every wayward breeze, you will weep and weep and weep."

Thank you, Mr. Stephens. You're a sweetheart.

Ciao.

Ooh! "Fair and sunny all day,

with gusty winds up to 25 miles an hour."

Ooh, you sure know how to hurt a witch.

From Tripoli to Timbuktu, I beg, I plead, I beseech of you.

A moment longer do not stay.

Come to me, come to me, Dr. Bombay.

It's terrific, Darrin. Stewart will be wild about this stuff.

Thanks, Larry.

Yes? Mr. Stephens?

A Mrs. Kravitz is calling.

Mrs. Kravitz? Put her on.

Yes, Mrs. Kravitz?

I got only one word to say to you, you beast. Don't do it.

Mrs. Kravitz, what are you talking about?

I am talking about a certain beautiful young brunette...

that you've been carrying on with.

Mrs. Kravitz, I can't talk to you now,

but everything at our house is beautiful.

Mm-hmm. That's why Mrs. Stephens is crying her poor eyes out, huh?

Mrs. Kravitz, I'm sure you're exaggerating.

If I'm exaggerating, may I...

Mrs. Kravitz, I can't talk to you now. I've got to get back to work.

Good-bye.

Trouble at home?

Seems that Sam's all upset over that tree business I told you about.

Mmm.

- Hello. - Oh, hi, sweetheart. How is everything?

Oh, nothing.

Except maybe I'm getting a little cold.

Ah-choo. See?

Sweetheart, are you crying?

No! No, of course not. Why would you say that?

You're all upset over your willow tree, aren't you?

- Yes, that's it. - It's all right.

I'll get you another tree. How about a beautiful magnolia?

Sam, I'm coming right home.

- Sweetheart, don't do that. - Are, uh... Are you sure you'll be all right?

Uh, y-yes.

Y-Yes, I-I'm feeling much better. Yes.

Well, then, uh, okay,

but I'll... I'll see you soon, honey. Bye.

You did something naughty, Darrin.

Larry, knock it off. She's upset about our willow tree.

Sure. Who is she?

Who is who?

Who is that cute little chick you drove up to the office with, that who.

That was our neighbor. I just dropped her off.

You son of a gun.

The quiet ones are always the worst.

Who is she?

Larry, there are some things that are personal between a husband and wife.

Now let's just drop it.

Okay, it's dropped.

It's serious, isn't it? Larry...

You know how I know it's serious? How?

You don't want to talk about it. Larry...

Darrin, have I ever poked my nose into your personal business?

- Yes. - Right. What's a best friend for?

A best friend is a guy who, when his best friend says, "butt out,"

he butts out.

Okay, until you come to your senses,

I resign as your best friend.

Anything else?

No. Then I'll see you later... when Stewart gets here.

No, you won't.

Something came up, so I can't be with you on the Stewart presentation.

You'll have to handle it yourself.

From Pakistan to Waterloo,

I beg, I plead, I beseech of you.

A moment longer do not stay.

Come to me, come to me, Dr. Bombay.

From Pasadena, U.S.A.,

to old Red China across the bay.

A moment longer do not stay.

Come to me, come to me, Dr. Bombay.

Oh.

Uh...

- From Little Rock to Liverpool... - Nag, nag, nag.

Where have you been, Dr. Bombay?

Didn't you he... hear me? Of course I heard you.

I was surfing in the finals at Makaha.

Came in second. Would have won if I'd used a surfboard.

Well, what's the emergency this time?

Your crabgrass developing a case of the croup?

I'm the emergency.

Oh, dear. You must have got caught in the fallout.

That's what I thought. That's where I heard it.

Well, I never claimed to be a tree doctor.

Never mind the apologies. Do something!

Why didn't I listen to father and become a psychiatrist?

Believe me, you meet a saner group of people.

Come on.

Oh, uh, Dr. Bombay? Hmm?

Don't you think something a little tiny bit more appropriate?

That strange man is back, talking to Mrs. Stephens.

I wonder what it would cost to build an isolation booth in here?

Hark, ye wretched breezes blowing.

Cease Samantha's tears from flowing.

Dry her eyes, awake or sleeping,

and let laughter replace her weeping.

- Ah. Has rather a nice lilt, don't you think? - It's swell.

Wait a minute. There's someone coming to see me that shouldn't see you.

Will you go away? But come back.

He disappeared...

Right before my eyes. Poof!

I'd give a fortune to find out how he did it.

- Hi, Sam. - Hi, Larry.

What brings you to the neighborhood?

Curiosity. Concern.

About what?

Now Mrs. Stephens is talking to Mr. Stephens's boss.

Now Mrs. Stephens is laughing.

Wanna get it off your chest, Sam?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Sam, I wasn't born yesterday.

I wasn't even born the day before yesterday.

When it comes to marital problems, I'm an old hand.

You know, Darrin was very upset after he talked to you on the phone.

Mm. Yeah, well, he was worried because I was upset about our willow tree.

Yes, that's what he told me... but I didn't believe him, and now that I hear you...

laughing a little too loud, I believe him even less.

Oh, you poor kid. Stop trying to cover up.

I can tell your heart's broken.

Now come inside and let's see if we can patch it up.

Now they're going into the house together, and she's still laughing.

Don't you think it's peculiar?

First she's crying, then she's laughing,

and now she's going into the house with her husband's boss.

Don't interrupt him, Gladys. His queen is in danger.

Hmm. The marriage is in danger, Abner.

Yes? It's Mrs. Kravitz again.

Get me an aspirin and put her on.

Yes, Mrs. Kravitz?

One word. If you want to save your marriage, get home on the double.

Yes?

Mr. Stewart is here for your meeting.

Thank you.

Mr. Stewart.

Here's the presentation, Mr. Stewart. I hope you like it.

Mr. Stephens.

Larry, I'm going to tell you once more.

I am laughing because I am relieved...

that my tree is better.

That tree looks pretty bad to me.

It looked worse yesterday.

Sam, Louise and I love you two.

Now, if there's anything we can...

Is it another woman?

Another man? Sam, stop it.

Sam, you're breaking my heart.

Oh, hi, Darrin.

What's... What's so funny?

What's so funny?

There's nothing funny.

There's nothing funny.

Hmm? Her laugh's contagious.

I think she's flipped her lid.

What are you doing here?

Trying to patch things up, you rat.

Get down on your knees and beg her forgiveness.

Take care, Sam.

Abner, Mr. Stephens's boss is gone.

I saved a marriage.

Sam, you should have known better than to send for that quack.

- I wouldn't let that witch doctor mow our lawn. - Well?

From Maine to California,

Dr. Bombay, I warn ya.

I tried to find a little peace on the ocean floor,

and between your cackling and a gluttonous shark...

You did it to her with one of your quacky spells. Why?

My dear boy, I cannot possibly give you a medical education in five minutes.

In layman's terms, I made a boo-boo.

How am I going to explain it to Larry?

Never mind about that. Make her stop.

It does get on one's nerves.

Spirit wind, blow and billow.

Cure that sickly little willow.

Then remove the laugh from Sam,

and kindly take it on the lam.

And speaking of taking it on the lam...

Wait a minute.

I'm all right, but what about my tree?

In a matter of moments you will hardly recognize it.

This is the baby right here.

Forget the saw. The ax'll do it.

Don't you lay an ax on that tree.

Oh. Sorry, lady, but that's a court order.

This is only from a municipal court.

We'll take it to the Supreme Court.

Lady, the tree is dead.

Not legally.

Not as long as there's an ounce of sap flowing through its trunk.

Lady, if there's an ounce of sap...

flowing through its trunk, I'll drink it.

Now stand back, please.

Lady.

Look!

Would you like your sap on the rocks, or with soda?

Charlie, did you see that?

No, I didn't see anything. Let's get out of here.