Original subtitles

How long have you been standing there, honey?

I came in around the crow's-feet. Did I miss anything?

Just checking to see how the old boy's holding up under the years.

And how is the old boy holding up?

Just great, except for a receding hairline, a double chin and a trace of a pot.

Oh, sweetheart. On you, it looks good.

Sam, the key today is youth. Eighty percent

of the accounts that McMann and Tate handle...

are designed to appeal to people under 30.

Well, you appeal to people under 30.

Tabitha adores you. Honey, I'm not kidding. I've got to get with it.

If you're over 30, the youth of today doesn't trust you.

But, Darrin, in advertising, it's talent that counts,

and that's you at any age.

Honey, you just don't understand.

Your problem is that you love me.

That's not my problem. That's my pleasure.

Well.

Isn't that sweet.

Making up after a fight? Endora, don't you ever knock?

Hmm.

- We're not home. - Fortunately for you, I don't offend easily.

Let me try a little harder.

I'd appreciate it if when I got home tonight, you're not here!

Sweetheart, uh, you're gonna be late for work.

Now remember, you're just as young as you feel.

Right.

Oh, I see Durwood is his usual charming self.

It's nothing.

Just a little concerned about creeping middle age. Perfectly natural.

Perfectly vain is what it is.

Vain? Huh! Darrin hasn't a vain bone in his body.

Well, I admit he has nothing to be vain about, but that doesn't stop him.

Mortals are the vainest creatures in the world.

Darrin is the exception and furthermore... Mommy. Mommy!

Coming, Tabitha! Furthermore will have to wait.

Tabitha and I are going to the park.

Oh?

Oh, Samantha, you're so blind when it comes to that mortal nothing.

Not a vain bone in his body, eh?

We'll see about that.

Not a vain bone in your body, eh?

Vanish all self-control,

and now we will see...

just how vain you mortals can be.

Let's go, gorgeous!

Shut up!

What are you waiting for? A fire?

Ah.

That's, uh, 93 years of our history. Mm.

I, uh, I believe you, uh, missed a page. Yes.

Oh, did I? Here we are. Page 11.

Oh, yes. The Pharmaceutical Gold Seal Award, 1944.

Mmm. Very impressive.

Hascomb Drug Company won that for its licorice-flavored liver pills.

Sounds delicious.

You know, Tate, this, uh, tanning lotion product of ours is a new departure.

Until now, we've made nothing but pills.

Frankly, I'm a little worried about branching out.

Oh, relax, Mr. Hascomb. Our specialty is launching new products.

I hope so.

But still, if it were a pill, I'd feel a lot more comfortable.

- Here, have one. - What for?

Whatever ails you. You name it, Hascomb's got the pill for it.

Now, the red one's for tension, the white's for indigestion,

and the pink's for neuritis and neuralgia.

They're so tempting. It's a shame I'm feeling so well.

Tate, Sunspot Tanning Lotion was not my idea.

I was against it right from the beginning.

It was my wife who kept insisting we try something new.

Impossible woman, constantly interfering.

Let me put you at ease.

We at McMann and Tate plan to handle Sunspot Tanning Lotion...

with the same dignity that your pills have enjoyed all these years.

Good. Good. No flashy campaign for me.

I'm a conservative man. I run a conservative business in spite of my wife.

And that's the way it's going to stay.

Mr. Hascomb, put your faith in Darrin Stephens.

If there's one man who respects the old,

the established, the tried and true, it's Darrin.

I'm sorry I'm late, but I passed this

haberdasher's and I just couldn't resist it.

Uh, Darrin, this is Mr. Hascomb of Hascomb Drug Company.

You know, I just thought of something.

Already? Oh, this man's got a mind like a steel trap.

- Let's hear it, Darrin. - There's no mirror in this room.

The conservative, 93-year-old company with a nice, solid, conservative image.

Young man, what are you wearing?

Love beads. They go all the way back to ancient Egypt.

The high priests used to wear them.

High priests. You can't get more conservative than that.

Cigarette, anyone?

Stephens, I hope you understand. We want a mature,

conservative campaign for our suntan lotion.

But the mature, conservative consumer doesn't

hang around the beaches. The young people do.

Uh, Mr. Hascomb, uh, which one of those pills was for tension?

The red ones.

Let's see that.

My, what an interesting box.

Darrin, getting back to Sunspot Tanning Lotion.

Frankly, I don't think Mr. Stephens is the man for us.

Uh, Mr. Hascomb, as one conservative to another, let's reserve judgment, huh,

uh, at least until this afternoon?

- H-How about cocktails? - I don't know. I just don't know.

I'm thirsty already.

Shall we say 5:00, Seafarer's Lounge? Well... Well...

Well, it-it'll give us time for a little cautious thinking.

All right. Until 5:00, then. Good-bye, Tate.

See you at 5:00.

Darrin, what the devil are you doing?

This wood is marvelous.

I can see myself perfectly in it.

What kind of polish do you use?

I must get some.

Hascomb drops a $500,000 account right in our laps.

No sweat, simple campaign.

You almost blow it and all you can do is stand there and smile.

I'll have you know these beads are very much in fashion.

- Those beads are for the birds. - Exactly. The birds have the right idea.

Take the peacock, for example.

The males have all the brightly colored feathers,

while the females are blah.

Now you listen to me, Cock Robin,

when you show up for that meeting, you'd better be plucked.

You hear me? Plucked!

Honey! Honey, open up!

Well, hi, sweetheart.

Wh-What are you doing home so early?

Did Larry give you the afternoon off? No.

I have a cocktail date at 5:00 with a very important client. I came home to change.

Wait'll you see the clothes I bought. I look magnificent in them.

Uh, sh-shouldn't I be the one to tell you that?

You will, darling. You will.

What do you think?

I think if your client is a rock and roll singer, you've got it made.

As a matter of fact, he's an old

conservative who never got beyond the minuet.

Then why are you dressed like that? You'll lose the account.

Sam, man cannot live by accounts alone.

I've got to be me. Young, dashing, with it.

This isn't you.

This is... Mother!

Of course. I don't know what you're talking about.

All I know is, I'm late.

Oh, Darrin. Darrin, please.

Uh, just... just wait a minute. I'm trying to tell you something.

Mother must have zapped a vanity spell on you.

That's... That's why you're behaving this way. What way?

Vain, Darrin.

An excessive or undue pride in one's appearance, vain.

Just because I appreciate beauty?

Darrin, believe me.

You are a victim of mother's witchcraft.

Nonsense. Now will you please step aside? You're blocking my view.

No! I won't step aside,

not until you change your clothes for that meeting.

Then you leave me no choice.

Good. I'll use the mirror in the car.

Oh, Mother.

Of all the mean, low-down, spiteful...

Mother, I demand that you pop in here this instant and zap that spell off Darrin.

Tate, my wife the nag calls me a 19th-century man.

And you know what I tell her? Uh, no, but I'd love to.

I tell her: What's so hot about the 20th century? That's very clever.

And if my wife can't change me, what makes Stephens think he can?

He doesn't want to change you. Believe me, he won't even try.

He'll adjust to your image.

If there's one thing about Darrin, he's adjustable.

If there's another thing about him, he's late.

- May I have one of those? - What color?

A nice assortment would be fine.

Mother!

Oh. Well, all right.

If you won't unzap that spell, the least I can do is try to save that meeting.

Roses and posies and daisies and weeds,

come flower power, rip off his beads.

Now needle and thread and wool and all those,

weave Darrin into his regular clothes.

Ah, there he is and looking just fine.

Mr. Hascomb, you're about to meet the real Darrin Stephens.

Sam did this.

She stole the clothes right off my back.

Well, never mind.

You're beautiful anyway.

Ohh!

Sam!

Sam!

Sam, what have you got all over you?

What have you got all over you?

Never mind my clothes. Sam, you're a mess.

I was mixing some cake batter...

when I was startled by the roar of a bull moose.

What's your excuse? I'm sorry I startled you.

Why don't you just zap it away, like you did with my clothes at the restaurant?

Thank you. I will.

Now. Oh, no, you don't! Not again.

Darrin, I-I did it for your own good.

I-I couldn't let you meet a conservative client dressed like a...

Like a, uh... Go ahead, say it.

Like an attractive, desirable youth.

That's hardly what I was going to say.

We've got to rush. We're expected at Larry's in an hour.

Hey, hold-hold it. Wh-What's this about Larry's in an hour?

We postponed the meeting with Hascomb until tonight.

He and his wife are going to be there.

If anything goes wrong this time, we'll really lose the account.

I can't wait to see myself in my new evening jacket.

I can.

- Darrin, the door's locked. - I know. I locked it.

Well, unlock it.

Not yet. I'll call you when I'm ready.

Sweetheart, I have to get dressed for dinner too.

So either open up or... or slip my clothes under the door.

Here I come, ready or not.

I'm not ready. Smashing, isn't it?

Blinding is the word.

It's the latest thing from Rome.

Fourteen-karat gold lamé.

Fourteen karat? Well, it must have cost a fortune.

It did. But I'm worth it.

Well, if you're worth it, I'm worth it too.

Why should you be the only one who glitters?

How dare you use witchcraft to dress.

If you can dare gold lamé, I can dare anything.

I tell you, Sam. That dress will have to go. It's just... too much.

Too much dress? Oh, well, uh, I can fix that.

More witchcraft? Yes, but less dress.

Sam, get rid of that dress.

Mm, I'll change if you change.

But if you're gonna shimmer in gold, I'm gonna shimmer in silver.

- This is blackmail. - It sure is.

All right, Sam, you win this time, but I won't forget this.

Well, that's all right, sweetheart. I'll take my chances.

Guess I'll just have to wear my old tuxedo with the same old...

Sam, wait! Don't move! Huh?

Look at that!

When you stand in a certain light, I can see myself all over your dress.

It-It's like a hall of mirrors.

I've never known such happiness.

Oh, Mrs. Tate, you should have seen Stephens fall into that pool.

It was like a silent-picture routine.

You should have liked that, dear.

After all, silent pictures are old-fashioned. Just your speed.

Uh, another hors d'oeuvre, Mrs. Hascomb? Oh, why not?

Emily, that's your sixth. Who's counting?

I am. Tate, Stephens is late, as usual.

I wonder what he fell into this time.

Oh, I'm sure he's on his way.

I hope he gets here before my wife eats herself into a stupor.

That must be them.

Uh, uh, uh.

- It's not them. - Of course it's us.

It's tomorrow night. The dinner's tomorrow night. Go away!

Well, I'm sure that was Darrin's voice.

Is that you, Darrin? Samantha?

Oh, uh, hi, Louise. Louise.

It is you, isn't it?

What magnificent creatures.

Uh, Mr. and Mrs. Hascomb, this is Darrin and Samantha Stephens.

Of course, uh, Mr. Hascomb knows Darrin already.

Tate, I was under the impression...

this was to be a business dinner, not a love-in.

- Emily, get your things. - Oh, relax, Whitney.

I can see this is gonna be a fun party.

And I think it could use some champagne. Excuse me.

Where did you get that dress?

- It's a heavenly creation. - How did you know?

Hascomb, do you happen to have any of those little red pills on you?

Emily, get your things. Mr. Hascomb, let's not act in haste...

Tate, if you think I'm going to put the solid, conservative public image...

of Hascomb Drug into the hands of this...

middle-aged hippie, you're crazy.

Oh, uh, Mr. Hascomb, I'm very sorry to hear you say that.

- Oh? - Well, yes.

I have such respect for all of your products.

But they don't seem to get to the right people.

A pill. My kingdom for a little red pill.

I've always told Whitney he should try to reach the younger set.

Particularly with suntan lotion.

After all, the younger the customer, the smaller the bathing suit.

And the smaller the bathing suit, the more skin that needs suntan lotion.

They're right, you know, Whitney.

Oh, you're definitely not with it.

I've pointed that out a number of times.

Emily, shut up and eat.

Uh, Mr. Hascomb, you really should listen to Darrin.

He has his finger on the pulse of today.

And his foot on the unemployment line of tomorrow.

Emily, for the last time, get your things.

Not yet, darling.

Not until you hand over the entire Hascomb Drug account...

to this darling young man.

I think I'm witnessing a miracle.

You're out of your mind.

Possibly. But I'm also the major stockholder in the Hascomb Drug Company.

You gave me that gift yourself, you know, darling.

That wasn't a gift. That was a tax dodge.

Well, no matter. Fifty-one percent is 51%.

And I say we take the Hascomb image out of mothballs.

And into today's scene.

Emily, I warn you.

And I also say we take you out of mothballs.

Mr. Stephens, may I borrow your beads?

Well, I don't know. I don't like to break up my ensemble.

Oh, thank you.

There, Whitney. You already look 10 years younger.

Now, about your hair.

I could teach him to tease it. It does wonders.

Honestly, Larry, this is what Darrin had in mind all the time.

You mean, you two dressed this way just to

convince Hascomb to go after the young market?

Absolutely. Darrin knew he had to do something dramatic.

Well, I've certainly got to hand it to him.

And all this time, I thought it was just vanity.

Darrin, vain?

Why, he hasn't a vain bone in his body.

Well, come on, everyone. How about a toast?

Ohh. Mmm. Thank you.

To youth.

To the new look in Hascomb products.

To the good old days.

To the better new days.

To me.

All right, Samantha, I will take the oath.

As long as the stars remain in the sky,

as long as the water remains in the well,

I promise I will never again zap on Durwood another spell.

Now, I should like a cup of café au lait.

Oh, no. Not so fast.

First, I want the witch's honor sign.

Oh, really, Samantha. Don't you think you're carrying this thing a bit too far?

After all, I am your mother.

Why do you only remember that when it's convenient to you?

The witch's honor sign, please.

Oh, all right. Witch's honor.

That's better. Sweetheart, you're not going to believe this,

but Larry just called and he...

What are you doing in those clothes?

Never mind that. What is she doing in my house?

I swear, Samantha. It was not I who did it this time.

As I was about to tell you,

Larry just called to say that we've got a whole slew of new clients...

because of the way we handled the Hascomb account.

And he insists that I dress the part.

I feel ridiculous.

Oh, well, now, never mind, sweetheart. You look divine.

No, I don't. I look like a jackass.

That can be arranged. Mother!

Well, it's the thought that counts.