Original subtitles

Rise and shine!

Did I oversleep?

And all is well.

Voila! What's all this? What are you doing up so early?

A toast.

To the new anti-smog device manufactured by Carter Brothers Industrial Products.

More specifically, to the brilliant young fellow

who designed their advertising campaign.

They bought it?

Yeah, I couldn't wait to tell you.

Oh, sit down and tell me all the details.

Unless, of course, you're too modest.

You twisted my arm.

What did Mr. Carter say? Well, among other things,

I was called an advertising genius.

I'm so proud of you.

Honey, everyone was. It's a deal that's good for everyone.

Everything went so smoothly right from the start. It was like magic.

Sam, you didn't buy any chance.

No, Darren, you did it all yourself. You are a brilliant advertising man.

I have one fault.

Your modesty.

Thank you.

I want you to go down today and purchase two tickets for that cruise to Bermuda.

Larry's had a big bonus.

You mean it?

Oh, Darren, it'll be like a second honeymoon.

Nothing wrong with the first.

True.

I'd better get to the office.

Larry's ready to burn incense at my feet.

Bye-bye, sweetheart.

Congratulations. Thanks, hon.

Morning, Mommy. Good morning, sweetheart.

Daddy go?

Yes, just left.

Daddy didn't go. Oh.

Darren?

Darren?

Darren, you forgot your briefcase.

Tabitha, no!

Oh, Tabitha.

Crickery, crockery, heed my wishes, reassemble into dishes.

Oh, stars!

Fock or road to Mandalay, I command you, piano, to play.

Melancholy baby?

Mother? Mother? Mom?

I command with all my might this wretched lighter now to light.

Oh, thank heavens you heard me. You called me. Mother, don't joke. Well,

I merely popped in to see my grandchild.

Your child child is glad you're here.

Mother, I've lost my powers.

Watch.

Dwindling, kindling, earn my praise.

Fire, burn with cheery blaze. There, now do you

believe me? Oh, darling, forgive the cynicism.

I'll call Dr. Bombay. Good.

Endora, I've asked you a thousand times to call me at the exchange.

I was at a concert. In that get-up? Quite appropriate, I assure you.

Nero was fiddling, Rome was burning. It was a smash-a-roo.

A reenactment, of course. Of course.

And I'm very sorry, but this is an emergency.

Samantha has lost her zap.

Good. Couldn't have lasted anyway, these mixed marriages.

Not sap.

Zap! Oh, sorry. Stick your tongue out.

Madly.

Say up!

Uh... Uh-huh.

Uh... Is it serious?

When did you fly last?

Well, I can't remember.

I've been very busy.

Let me see you try simple self-levitation.

The tongue depressor. Levitate it.

Have you been practicing your normal day-to-day witchcraft?

Well... Don't tell me because you're married

to one you've been trying to live like one.

Sad but true, Mother.

My dear girl, you haven't lost your powers. They're simply clogged up.

Oh?

Such neglect of her metaphysics has rendered her earthbound.

Now, my dear, there's no need to panic.

But simple levitation is urgent in order to prevent the dam from bursting.

Mother!

And you stay there, young lady.

Well, I can't stay up here. I've got things to do. Quiet!

If you need me, call.

Through the exchange.

Now you just rest.

We'll have you back on your feet in no time.

Rest? Up here?

Levitation is the only cure. How long?

Well, Samantha, Rome was neither built nor burned in a day.

Rome didn't have a child to take care of or a house to clean.

Grandmama will take care of little Tabitha.

As for the house, you can take care of that yourself when you get better.

Larry, I don't want to put my feet on your desk. You don't like my desk?

I love your desk. I'm crazy about your desk.

It's yours.

You're a genius.

Inhale in health.

Oh, are we gonna fill our lungs full of that fresh, clean money?

Darren, you really earned your bonus this time.

After Niles Munster signs the contract, I'll sign your bonus check.

Niles Munster?

M.J. Niles Munster, the guy old man Carter sent

out to give the contract the final once-over. You know him?

I went to school with him, Niles Munster.

Well, if this is a guy you went to school with...

This was a girl.

Who was a girl?

Mary Jane Nilesminster.

What's the matter with you?

Larry, you know that feeling when you get up in the morning and the sun is shining

and the birds are singing so nice and you fall down the whole flight of stairs,

splat on your face? What are you talking about?

Mary Jane Niles Munster swore she'd get me someday, and knowing her,

she might pick this day to do it. Look, Darren,

I know how important this deal is to you.

Me too.

But let's not get paranoid.

MJ Niles Munster represents one of the top manufacturers of the country.

They're up on the big board.

MJ can't be Mary Jane.

You're right, Larry, I'm being silly. Oh, of course you are.

I just want everything to work out. Oh, well, you know me.

I'm a walking ulcer. Do I look worried?

Any word from Isle's Munster yet?

The plane arrived on schedule.

The appointment was confirmed for 2 o'clock.

Yes, Mr. Tate.

Did you speak to Isle's Munster directly?

No, Mr. Stevens. She was under the dryer.

Larry, please, tell her I'm sick. Tell her I died.

She's just waiting to pull the rug out from under me, Zingo.

She particularly requested that you be there.

You know why? She wants to see the look on my face when she says, no deal.

Hell has no fury like a woman scorned. So that's it.

Well, take it from an old hand. They forget. You don't know Mary Jane.

So long, Larry.

You should see what you wrote in the class yearbook. Roses are red,

violets are blue. It may take a while, but I'll get you.

Pinning a girl at a high school prom doesn't mean you're going to marry her. Larry,

I know that. But her mother broadcast the engagement

all over the state the next day. On the radio?

Her mother didn't need a radio.

I've been through it a hundred times. By now, to her,

you're just another pretty face. Not with her memory,

she could recite you both senators from every state.

Don't make me say it, Darren.

Say what?

You're just not that memorable.

You're a little guilty, so tell Sam about it and get it off your chest.

Good idea. I'll go call her.

Not now.

I'm on long distance. Make yourselves at home.

That's her.

Mr. Tate, could you come in for a second? Mr. Carter wants to speak to you.

Uh, right.

Uh, Mr. Stevens, too?

Just you.

What did I tell you?

Thank goodness I caught you. I hope you haven't picked up those tickets to Bermuda.

No, sweetheart, as a matter of fact, I haven't.

What's wrong?

I'll explain later.

Something happened to shake up this deal.

Oh, darling, I am sorry. Where are you now?

At the hotel. Well, don't you worry, darling.

We can manage without...

The less contact with humans in your condition, the better.

Oh, Samantha can't talk to you anymore. You?

Will you put Samantha back on the phone?

She's indisposed.

Indisposed? What's that supposed to mean?

She's flying.

Why? I didn't expect you to understand.

Mother. Yes?

That was a terrible thing to do.

Even for you. You calm yourself. You're not at all well.

Sam, is that you?

You didn't have to come all the way down here, honey.

A trip to Bermuda can't mean that much to you.

Sam!

Sam!

Sam, please, go home.

There'll be other deals, other trips to Bermuda, I promise.

Honey?

Besides, there's nothing you could do, even if I wanted you to.

Sam, please, go home.

Please, Smith. Please. Go on.

Mother, you work at trying not to understand.

I know how much this deal means to Darren. He needs help.

I've always said that.

Be serious.

Darren is in some kind of trouble, and he needs help. He'd never ask.

If he was going to ask, he would probably do

it by not asking, don't you see? Oh, yeah.

It's marvelously clear. It's a fine time for my powers to get clogged up.

Samantha!

I learned something very important a long time ago.

When a man asks for help from a woman, especially by not asking for help,

the best thing for her to do is to forget about the whole thing.

Sure.

Dead certain.

Where'd you learn that, from the Wicked Witch of the West?

No.

From a divorce lawyer in Southern California.

Oh, Samantha Ridge!

Sam, please, go home.

I don't want your help.

Whatever you do, I'll undo, so you just might as well go on home.

You're wasting your time.

Besides, I don't like the idea of your mother sitting with the baby.

Ladybug, ladybug, fly away home.

It is?

I'd better have the old optics checked.

Larry!

A life!

After all, a fly has as much right to live as a...

This is Darren Stevens, Miss Niles Munster.

How do you... I just wanted to say that things that have happened

in the past have no bearing on things that are going on right now.

How do you do, Mr. Stevens? I've been looking forward to meeting you.

How do you do?

Well, Stevens, shall we get to the contract?

Uh, Miss Niles... Monster, before you sign the contract,

I think there's something that you should know.

You're being dealt with unfairly.

You see, a long time ago, we knew each other, but you forgot.

But you didn't really forget. That is, the point is, you know me,

but you don't know that you know me.

It's a spell.

Darren, Miss Nilesmonster is a very busy woman,

and I don't think we should delay her any longer than we have to.

Thank you very much, gentlemen.

Thank you very much, Miss Niles Munster.

What did I tell you?

Oh, Mother, there's Darren now.

Please let me down.

If you want to get back in shape, you'll stay off your feet.

But he's never been this late. Mother, I'm worried.

You know what may happen.

Just let me down.

Good evening, Samantha.

Good evening, madam.

Darren?

Don't you recognize me either?

What's wrong? He sounds to the gills. That's wrong. Mother, please.

Nonsense, madam. I'm quite sober.

I only had tea martinis.

Well, then you better take the olives out of your mouth. You're talking funny.

Funny is better than dreary.

Would you kindly ask little Miss Muffet to get her tuffet out of here?

All right.

But if you need me, just light a match near his breath.

I'll see the flames.

Good old Smokey the Boar.

Darren, what is it?

Did the deal fall through?

Yeah, now, darn well, the deal fell through.

Well, now, how would I know a thing like that?

Well, when you called this afternoon, I figured out something was wrong.

I saw you, you right away. A what?

You...

I told you I didn't need your help, but no, you're

the cavalry. You're zap happy, that's what you are.

All right, now, one step at a time.

The deal didn't fall through, and you're mad at me.

Listen, when you landed on my nose, I told you right then I didn't want any...

When I landed on your nose?

Sam, you're not going to deny that you turned yourself into a fly and flew

down to the hotel and zapped yourself into a two-week cruise to Bermuda.

You know something funny?

I don't understand one word you're saying. I haven't left this house all day.

There is nothing worse than a flying lie. A lying fly.

Your own mother said you were flying.

Right here.

And for therapy, if you want to know,

I couldn't have changed myself into anything even if I wanted to.

You couldn't.

No.

And you know why?

Because I've lost my powers. They're all damned up,

and if I don't take care of myself, the dam will burst.

I won't be able to control it.

She didn't even recognize me.

Oh, sweetheart, you're not even listening. Come back.

No power, huh?

That's what I've been trying to tell you. When it comes back, it's out of control.

Wouldn't it be better if you admitted the truth?

The truth is that I haven't done anything.

I have been absolutely powerless all day.

I've been trying to get the piano to play and

the fire to burn and the lighter to light.

Oh, Darren, it isn't me. Well, I mean, it is,

but that's because of the dance burst. Sam, turn that piano off. This is a madhouse.

But I can't control it.

I'm warning you, Sam.

I'm going to have to get out of here. It's been a rough day.

All right, then. Go back to your friendly bartender with your mouth full of olives.

Well, let it be, old buddy.

On the rocks?

I always make them five to one.

A man loses his integrity, he has nothing.

I'll drink to that.

Bartender.

I'll drink to that.

Keep the change. I'll drink to that. You're a married man,

you don't have to put up with all that.

That I won't drink to. Drink from, yes. To, no.

Wife, she'll interfere.

They're all the same. No, they're not. Yours is human.

I'd like to take a vote on that.

Mine's a witch.

They all are. This time she changed herself into a fly.

They all change.

It starts out with anything you say, dear, and then...

She's not going to get away with it.

If we go to Bermuda, it's going to be on my credentials, not on her.

Yes, sir.

I'm gonna put a whammy on her hocus pocus right now.

You better lay off.

I'll drink soon.

I recognized you this afternoon. Oh, people change.

Now, on second look...

What did you say?

I said I recognized you, Darren. When I heard the name, I wondered,

but the minute I laid eyes on you, I knew.

Then why?

The last time I saw you, I was very upset.

I threatened childishly.

Let's just say I prefer not to remember that hysterical, vengeful girl.

I guess you thought I was pretty dense.

I admit it did cross my mind.

Will you please accept my apology?

It's a deal.

Our second today.

Well, I certainly am happy everything worked out.

I think we all are.

Well, you certainly have come a long way.

I mean, from drum majorette to... I mean,

you hold a very important position in the business world.

For a woman, you mean.

Oh, it's all right.

Ladies who work in what's considered a man's job get used to that.

I suppose.

What we don't get used to is keeping up in the business

world and taking care of our children at the same time.

You're married?

Very.

But Niles Munster... That's the name on my law degree.

Are you married?

Yes, I'm married.

See, whatever happened... I'm sorry, go ahead.

No, you... I was wondering if you knew whatever happened

to that Wilson brat that used to drive you cuckoo.

Harvey Wilson?

Harvey. I never knew his first name. We always used to call him Stinky.

That's who I'm married to. Wonderful guy.

Well, I better get going.

Come on, Sam.

It was stupid male pride. That's the reason I acted the way I did.

Well, you didn't believe me. That's what hurt.

I'm sorry.

Well, what is a marriage if it isn't based on trust?

You're right.

I'm not a liar.

Honey, I promise I'll never doubt you again.

Forgiven?

Just one more question.

A fly? Now, don't you think I have any more imagination than that?

Yes, I told you it was just stupid male pride.

Okay, you're forgiven.

One question.

Is this any way to run a marriage?

Well... I mean, how long are you gonna have to stay like this?

Tonight should do it.

I guess we can make up tomorrow night.