Original subtitles

[announcer] From the newsroom, this is Channel 9 News.

[anchor] Police are asking for any information

that could lead to the capture of the Winter General and his associates,

who have been identified on surveillance footage in connection

with the recent disappearance of the mayor.

This is the latest in a string of crimes since the ratifying of the 28th Amendment,

granting superpowers as a human right for both heroes and villains.

Reports indicate that power-enhancement drugs

are being dealt on the streets to the highest bidder,

potentially exacerbating the crime wave.

Captain Justice and his team are working tirelessly to find the suspects

and put an end to this illegal drug trade before it's too late.

[dramatic electronic-rock music playing]

[mayor] Please help me.

She looks nice.

Beatrix.

♪ Unh, unh, yeah, what? ♪

♪ Hey, yo, uh-huh ♪

♪ Oh ♪

How do we even know these work?

♪ Ah, oh, mm, mm ♪

Fair enough.

The mutant genome spider.

The world's most poisonous spider, and yet a true pacifist... [chuckles]

unless provoked, such as when defending its familial group against--

Quiet.

♪ Ah ♪

Should we be aware of any side effects?

Mm!

Like, will these give him, like, fingernail sensitivity, or--?

-Insomnia? -High T? Low T?

-No T? -What about hot flashes?

Because he is the Winter General, after all.

-That could be devastating. -It could ruin things for all of us.

Did we already talk about his liver? Because he already has cirrhosis.

Sort of runs in his family, the cirrhosis.

-[Beatrix] Yeah, it's, uh, genetic. -Yeah.

-I would like to know about the urination. -Color, texture.

It'll still be liquid, right?

What if he becomes pregnant or may become pregnant?

-Can he become pregnant if he wants to? -Silence!

It's not addictive, though, is it?

Because we already have an opioid crisis.

That's not this master's plan. That's Big Pharma's plan.

Hey-o.

Not to be too political. Sorry, I'm really nervous.

-Do you wanna see a magic--? -Beatrix, Cain!

It's a good one.

What has gotten into you two?

♪ Ah, ooh, mm ♪

It's confirmed.

Captain Justice is on the way.

He fell for the bait.

Go us!

[Winter General chuckles]

It seems Captain Justice is falling into my trap, Mr. Mayor.

You're not gonna get away with this, Winter General.

Won't I?

May the blood of that self-righteous pig moisturize your angry fists, my liege!

[laughs, then coughs] Ow.

Yes, Harold.

There will be blood.

[hero] I hope you're not talking about my blood.

'Cause I prefer to keep it to myself.

Captain Justice.

That's me.

Justice Punch!

-Nice toss. -I know.

[groans]

[laughing]

I have waited for this moment for a long time.

[Justice groaning]

You call me a villain, and for what?

Because...

[gasps] My favorite shirt has a hole in it.

[Winter General speaking indistinctly]

Cain.

It is very important that you do not...

move.

-[gasps] Whoa! -I said, don't move!

[yelling]

Harold.

Harold.

You, who finds himself superior

just because he has signed a few book deals.

Just put the gun down.

I think it's accepted me as one of its own.

[quavers]

-I got a clear shot. -But it's on my face.

-Just turn profile. -[Cain] No.

-Do it. -[Cain] Look.

There has to be a better way.

You don't want innocent mutated-spider blood on your hands.

-Okay. -[Cain] All right.

-[gunshot] -[Beatrix yelps]

[Beatrix] Okay.

I got this.

-What are you doing? -Sleight of hand.

-No. -I got this. I got this. I got this.

-Okay. Okay. You got this. -I got this. I got this.

[Winter General] Spare the rod, spoil the civilization.

And that includes its so-called protector.

And so, Captain, you must see.

I can't. I can't.

-[Cain] You can do this. -Even with all your power...

-On three. -Okay.

...you must die.

-One. -Goodbye, Brother Spider.

[suspenseful choral music playing]

-Two! -[screams]

[yelps]

[suspenseful choral music continues]

-Master? -Brother Spider?

Thanks, guys.

Couldn't have done it without you.

Ahh. Justice Juice. Bring thirst to justice.

Mayor.

Catch you all later.

Do you think he's gonna be okay?

[Beatrix] Probably not.

[country-folk music playing]

Brothers and sisters... [speaking indistinctly]

♪ Well, he knew he had it comin' His dreaded fateful end ♪

♪ He sat up in the saddle A capital truly misspent ♪

♪ But the winter's bite And the bitter cold ♪

♪ Couldn't stop him From hitting his threshold ♪

[Harold sobbing]

♪ Now they're off On the old lone prairie... ♪

[Harold] I love you, master!

♪ A coyote passed the cottage mill Over by the fisherman's bend ♪

♪ He sings his song from dusk till dawn ♪

♪ Hi-oh-hi ♪

♪ His howls echo through the air ♪

♪ Weeping for this cowboy As he cries all night ♪

♪ Through the wake of day ♪

♪ Doggy, don't lay down Don't rest your legs ♪

♪ You must find the strength Coyote's on his way ♪

♪ You can hear him howl ♪

♪ Hoo-ooh ♪

♪ Hi-ooh ♪

♪ Hi-ooh ♪

♪ Hi-ooh ♪

♪ Hi-ooh ♪

♪ Now the rough roads keep on turnin' But the bronco's dance won't end ♪

♪ In his stone-cold weeping cowboy's heart That pony's loyal till the end ♪

♪ Though his buck may throw him In the dust ♪

♪ A cowboy knows it's in him he trusts ♪

♪ So now wise on up, young cowboy Whoop up those cattle again ♪

♪ Go strap up on your silver spurs And show 'em who will win ♪

♪ That coyote's song will ring along ♪

♪ Hi-oh-hi ♪

♪ His howls echo through the air ♪

♪ Weeping for the... ♪

[song continues indistinctly over speakers]

-[woman speaking indistinctly on TV] -[man speaking indistinctly on radio]

[Beatrix] Mm, Mama likes that storefront.

Hoo. Powers.

[Harold] Feeling hungry?

No, thanks.

Wow, free gruel and you're ungrateful.

You know, there are henchmen in China who are starving.

Well, lots of people in China are starving.

Yeah, it's pretty cool.

[coughs]

Harold, aren't you tired of eating that stuff every day?

No.

How about watching your bosses get blown up?

-Too soon. -See? I know you don't like that.

Or watching SEAL Team 6 take him out while you're trying to sleep.

What happened to that guy?

He died, Harold. That's what we're talking about.

That's why we've been saving up our money for ten years to go independent.

Now, we all know world domination takes money.

The projected cost is $1 billion.

-And we are a little short of it. -That's right.

But after today, we will have enough to start this.

-[laughs] -[Beatrix] Killer Petco.

The world's first evil pet store. Working title.

'Cause supervillains love to have their sinister pet sidekicks.

They do indeed.

So we slowly permeate the market selling pets to villains.

But we secretly train them with a kill switch

to turn on their owners when the time is right.

And, thanks to some legalese in the contract at the point of sale

naming us the sole beneficiaries,

we simultaneously eliminate competition

and gain the wealth and assets for world domination.

I love that.

One note, do we have to do the kill-switch part?

What do you mean?

I just don't really like the idea of us killing anyone.

Well, it's world domination, Cain. People get killed.

Does it have to be our evil overlords?

-Yes. -Why?

Because that's the plan.

-Maybe we should take a vote. -No, no vote.

Let's just get our money

and then figure out a more nonlethal, villain-friendly kill switch. Deal?

-Deal. Good compromise. Thank you. -You're welcome.

-Harold, how do you feel? -[man on TV] ...superhero, Captain...

[Beatrix] Harold.

...after just defeating the Winter General.

Captain, great to have you on today.

[Justice on TV] I wanna protect your world, and I wanna give it my all

to show what success looks like.

How'd you do it?

[Justice] You know, I'm not gonna lie to you, Mike. Uh...

Simply put, I blew him up with my mind powers.

What? He didn't blow him up. If anyone did, it was us.

That's a figure of speech.

Hi, Chet. You doing good? Yeah.

[Mike] So brave.

Was it brave?

You know, on my planet, we don't have a word for "brave."

But what I can tell you, Mike, is what I did was completely heroic.

Selfless.

-Dang it. -And pretty much really super neat.

-[Mike] Wow. -"Wow" is right.

Yes, I may have crazy strength and infectious charisma,

but in many ways, I'm a lot like you humans.

I need to replenish my electrolytes.

That's why I drink Justice Juice.

Bring thirst to justice.

Dang, that's catchy.

-[device beeping] -Hey!

It's our turn, guys. We're up, dudes.

We're still getting paid.

-[computer buzzes] -Payment denied.

What? Why?

According to your contract with Mr. The Winter General,

final payment is contingent on, and I quote,

"the successful takeover and/or obliteration of the world."

Which, according to our records...

[computer buzzes]

did not happen.

-Seems fair. -No, that does not seem fair.

It says right there, "pay for work performed."

"Conditional on Addendum 5033, Section D, i.e., world domination."

Did you take over the world?

No.

Can't hear you. Did you take over the world?

No.

Well, payment denied. I suggest you read all of your contracts.

He tricked us with our own trap.

Yeah. I miss him too.

Ma'am, if I may--

-No. -Okay.

Listen, Miss...

Lady, we don't care about the union rules.

This was a year's worth of work. We'll organize a strike.

Then you'll be shot.

Well, maybe not a strike, but a very angry letter.

Question for the lovely lady.

Is there anything I can do that will help us get this payment?

I am prepared to offer you a golden ticket to Harold Land.

I'm not interested.

-The feeling is mutual. -Shut up, Harold.

Oh, well, excuse me for using my charms to further our designs.

-You don't have charm, you have arthritis. -They're called jazz hands.

-Oh, I'll show you jazz hands. -Oh, yeah?

-You wanna see them? -You bring it! I will kill you!

You're both very charming, all right, you guys?

This is--

Excuse me.

Now, I can't pay on your existing contract.

However, I do have some quick jobs that are in need of immediate hire,

if you're interested.

So the first thing you wanna remember about poison testing is don't swallow.

It is poison.

[gentle, whimsical music playing]

-[Beatrix] Take it back! Take it back! -[Harold] I'm taking it!

[Cain screams]

[Harold] I'm having the time of my life!

[Beatrix] Shut up, Harold!

[screaming]

[Harold laughs] Yes!

[beeping]

-No, no, no. Don't rush it. Don't rush it. -I got this.

-Guys? -[Harold] We gotta do something.

We gotta do something! We gotta do something!

[beeping intensifies]

[in strained voice] This is really bad for my vertebrae.

[Beatrix] Just keep going.

If we sprint, we might be done...

in a couple of weeks.

[PA chimes]

[man over PA] More crystals are coming.

But no overtime.

Any complainers will be liquefied and turned into more crystals, okay?

-Thank you. -I hate this.

Hey, it is an honor to serve our evil overlords,

no matter the sacrifice.

Why are you so old?

Look, I understand it's frustrating, all right?

But we're the bad guys with a lowercase B.

We're the little B's, all right?

It is what it is.

You mean being exploited for our labor and then not being rewarded for it?

Yes, but at least they care for us.

[PA chimes]

[man] Attention. Lunch is canceled.

Forever.

And no eating crystals.

Whatever. Let's just push through and get our money.

Hey, while we're at it, we should remind them about our reimbursement.

Yes. What reimbursement?

For the personal loan I gave the Winter General.

We didn't give any personal loans, Harold.

[Harold] Sure, we did.

I gave cash from our savings so that he could get his powers?

Oh, my Alzheimer's. How much did you give him?

-Hundred and twenty-five K. -[winces]

We only had 60.

I know. I had to take out a personal loan.

What? Should I have given him more?

No! You shouldn't have given him anything!

Well, sorry.

Our boss, who I pledged loyalty to,

said that you guys said

that I should give him a cash loan, no questions asked, and I obeyed.

So sue me.

No, don't sue me. We haven't been reimbursed yet.

You don't lend villains money!

[Beatrix grunting]

[screaming]

Stop! You bit me!

Weapons-grade dentures.

Bite that!

[Cain] Stop it! Stop it!

You're gonna get us liquefied!

It's fine. We're just clearing the air. No one's gonna get hur--

Sorry.

It was meant for her.

[groaning]

[PA chimes]

[man] Attention. Uh, can someone please... [speaking indistinctly]

Come on.

[groans, then screams]

-Say you're sorry. -Never.

Do it. Or I'll give you a death-crystal colonoscopy.

I am over 50 and I'm due.

-[bone cracks] -[yelping]

[both growl]

[yells]

[automated voice] Warning: Crystals activated.

Warning: Crystals activated.

Self-destruct sequence starting in ten...

It's probably fine.

...nine, eight...

We're not getting paid again, are we?

Just checking.

[shouting] All in all, a good day.

Hey, do you guys have a ringing in your ear?

[Cain] Hey, we've earned money before. We can earn it again.

-It took ten years. -Maybe this time it'll only take nine.

Look, it is what it is.

[Harold shouting] Do you guys taste metal?

[reporter speaking indistinctly on radio]

Maybe it should be what it should be.

[man] What?

Did you just say something to me?

Oh. No, I was just talking to myself.

Oh. If you ever need someone to talk to...

[electronic music playing]

This is absurd, all right? These tryouts are pass-die.

They're die-outs.

-Bulletproof blouse? -Yes.

Cain, I understand your concern,

but world domination is not gonna fund itself.

[Cain] You don't even have any powers.

Actually, I took two years of necromancy in high school,

so I can kind of talk to the dead.

Well, at least the ones that speak English.

[Cain] Is that it?

Well, I understand some Spanish, but dead Spanish is a tricky dialect.

You should be able to shoot, like, fire or lasers

or something out of your eyes.

You know I can't do that.

[sighs] That's my point, okay?

My cousin, Picklebone Ben, he went to tryouts without powers,

and he died, okay? And then they made his friends

and his family burn all of his stuff

and pretend like he never existed in the first place, all right?

So please don't tell anybody that I brought him up.

Cain, I know it's scary,

but this is the only way that we're gonna get the pet store

and dominate the world and end this cycle of poverty.

It's time to man up.

-Here you go. -Thank you.

What if I'm in love with you?

-[Beatrix] You aren't. -I know.

I've got this taken care of. Trust me.

I feel great about this.

[upbeat folk music playing]

You dropped your bra.

[boy on radio] I sure love Justice Juice.

[man on radio] The energy it gives me to get through the day.

-[boy] Give me my Justice Juice! -[man] Food is boring.

-[boy] I love Justice Juice. -[man] Justice Juice is fun.

-[boy] My father needs a Justice Juice. -[man] Go without him.

[boy] My grandpa wishes he was still alive to drink Justice Juice.

[upbeat folk music continues]

Cool ax.

I've heard sometimes it's a good idea to make an alliance in these things.

Level the playing field.

You be the Stockton to my Malone.

Or you could be Malone. I'm fine with either.

My uncle had an ax once.

He tripped on it and died.

It was very gruesome.

It was a closed casket, but I did look.

[door opens]

[suspenseful music playing]

[music turns ghoulish]

[applicants murmuring]

[blows whistle]

My name is Lorena. Welcome to tryouts.

I would like to recognize and thank our resident villain, Sigma.

Hail Sigma!

[all] Hail Sigma!

Who has generously sponsored this year's tryouts,

including the cash prize for any of you who passes slash survives.

I'm sure you're all aware of his tremendous and dark résumé.

Weapons dealer, political coups, general disinformation.

It is an honor to have him here.

And now please address your attention to the video presentation.

[dramatic music playing on TV]

"Becoming Evil,"

the official Villain Tryout guide by the League of Evil.

So you think you've got what it takes to be a villain?

Well, congratulations, because now you get to prove it.

Your Villain Tryout will test your mind, body and soul, if you have one.

[laughing in deep voice]

Can you kick an old person when they're down?

Can you stand by when your friend's face gets melted by a superhero

and still be tough?

If you answered yes, great.

To become an officially-licensed villain, you have to be bad.

You have to be best. You have to be "the bast."

"The bast."

As a villain, your body will be a registered weapon.

And these are the guns.

-Tryouts... -[laughing]

[applicants] Ooh!

Finger Cannon Power and other Sigma power supplements

are available for purchase at any licensed dealer.

Use promo code Sigma10 and get a 10 percent discount at checkout.

Good luck.

[ghoulish music playing]

-Villain name? -Beatrix the Abyss Wraith.

Taken.

Beatrix 89.

Also taken.

Your assigned name is Danger Person...

-All right. -...83616.

Actually, that's also taken.

Danger Person 83617.

Okay, what was that number?

-Plan? -Yes. Um...

Uh... It's called Killer Petco.

And essentially, we sell pets to villains that eventually kill them,

and then, through some complicated legalese,

we get all the assets of the deceased.

Killer Petco is a working title.

Eliminating the competition. Smart.

Superpower?

-I can talk to the dead. -Prove it.

Okay. Um...

Hello, dead people.

Hola.

I'm also very good at sleight of hand.

No.

Also, I'm bulletproof.

-Oh. -[drawer closes]

Cleared. Report for physical training.

[door closes]

Ow.

[wincing]

[exhales shakily]

Wow.

[Cain] This is it.

Nice neighborhood.

[doorbell rings]

[man over intercom] Yes?

Hey. Uh, is there a Mr. Megadeath at home?

[computerized voice] Halt. Intruder will be shot.

-Nice. -[man] Who's asking?

You hired us for a job. The agency sent us.

[man] Ah, yes.

[locks clacking]

Sorry about that. Can't be too careful.

I'm going through a divorce.

Megadeath.

I am so honored.

Alex!

Yeah?

Alex, these are a couple of, uh, friends, um...

-Uh, Cain and Harold. -Yes, Cain and Harold.

They're gonna be helping us today with crime stuff.

Coolio. I'll grab the bag.

Okay.

Is that your son?

No. Intern. Got him from one of those coding boot camps.

He's a great kid, though. Wish he was my son.

-How sweet. -[Megadeath] Mm.

That's why it's so hard having to sell him.

-Hmm. Wait, what? -Yeah.

Old Megadeath made some mega-bad investments.

And then with the divorce, she got the lair.

She doesn't even like the lair. I won't get into it.

The point is, I'm starting anew.

And fortunately, computer geniuses go for top dollar.

You are so brave.

-Does he know he is being sold? -No. No.

He has severe separation anxiety.

And ever since I abducted him, he's had this phobia of being abducted.

Fortunately, he also suffers from Stockholm syndrome, so it balances.

Anyway, it's best to just let him think everything is normal.

-Ready? -Great.

Let's get to the tech-show conference thing.

We know what I'm talking about. Alex, get the robe.

So you eat with the ax too?

Restrain her!

-Is something wrong? -Danger Person 83617,

we've received information that suggests inaccuracies in your application.

If this is about my ACT score, I just didn't count the math portion.

-I didn't think it was-- -This was found in your laundry.

Oh, not so bulletproof, are we?

You went through my laundry?

Next time, may I suggest you sort your linens from your Kevlars?

[blows whistle]

[dramatic music playing]

Intern secured in the van. Perimeter check complete.

Oh, and I got us some lunch.

No, thanks.

More for me.

So how long you been a villain?

Uh, 27 years.

-Cool. -Yeah.

I wasn't always this way, though.

When I was younger, I actually wanted to be a hero.

-Gross. -Really?

Yeah. But they said my power wasn't a good fit.

-Well, what was your power? -I melt people's faces.

Awesome.

To be fair, it is pretty horrific.

I don't even like it,

which is why I typically use the particle eviscerator instead.

Well, at least that's more humane.

It's not, but the loudness covers the screams.

I wanna be just like you when I grow up.

Sorry, old chap, but after this, I am done.

Can't spend my whole life looking over my shoulder, you know?

I wanna go out on my own terms, you know?

Kind of in the way I began--

[gunshot]

[mysterious music playing]

Hands up!

Is he dead?

I don't know.

Can you check?

Okay.

He's dead.

[Harold moaning]

You can put your hands down now. She only wanted him.

-She? -The ex-wife.

Nasty divorce.

I loved you like the younger father I never had.

[hit man 1] Oh, poor guy. Must have meant a lot to you, huh?

-How long you guys been working with him? -Since this morning.

He's very emotional.

-[sniffs] -[both] Huh.

Was there an Alex that came with this bag?

Um...

[people speaking indistinctly on headphones]

You'd have to ask him.

[winces] Ooh. We shouldn't have used the killing bullets.

Well, maybe this should be a lesson to you guys

that violence is not the answer.

We're hit men. Like, we-- That's what we do. We kill people.

-That's our job. -Yeah, I know that, but...

I mean, maybe instead of, you know, all of us henchmen are like,

bam, bam, bam, when we should talk, talk, talk.

Okay? Because, I mean, your brain,

your mouth, your heart, is a weapon that you never have to reload, okay?

So think about that, guys. There's a better way.

That's a weird thing to say to someone you just met.

[hit man 2] Yeah.

-If you hear anything, just... -Text is best.

-[hit man 2] Yeah, use that. -[hit man 1] Yeah. Enjoy yourselves.

-Card. -[Harold sobbing] Kill me instead.

Where's Megadeath?

He's, uh... gone.

To a meeting... with Steve Jobs.

So, um, you'll be working with us until he gets back.

So no-- No reason to be scared or worried.

Cool. So did you guys do any fun crimes lately?

[ghoulish music playing]

Danger Person 83617.

-I thought I was 83165. -For falsifying application credentials,

you have been found guilty before this court.

-How do you plead? -Not?

How dare you contradict the court?

Look, I'm sorry for the miscommunication,

but we wouldn't be here if you'd shot me in the face.

-Which I'm grateful for. -Enough. Enough.

Tell me, 83617...

It's Beatrix.

Nah, too hard to remember.

If you knew you didn't have any powers, then why are you here?

Look, all I've ever wanted is to take over the world.

But when you're born a henchman you don't really get that chance.

Especially if you're a henchwoman.

So you lied to get power?

I lied to get opportunity.

I know I broke the rules. I'm sorry.

Villains don't apologize.

I will work on that.

But, and I feel strongly about this,

maybe it's time for someone without powers to conquer the earth.

A blue-collar bad girl.

A villain for the people.

That might be just what evil needs.

[sentimental music playing]

That was beautiful.

-Kill her. -What?

Villains don't give heartfelt speeches.

Okay, it's starting to feel like you're just making rules up.

[suspenseful music playing]

Axe Guy, now's our chance.

Stockton to Malone!

Come on, we're friends. Remember? We're best friends.

On my mark. Ready?

I told you that thing about my uncle's closed casket.

And you were so cool about it.

Set.

You're a terrible best friend. And your ax work is mediocre at best.

Swing away.

You know what's better than beating one bad guy?

Ahh.

Beating more than one bad guy.

Belt, play fight mix.

[hard-rock music playing tinnily over belt speaker]

This might, uh, throw you guys off, but I wrote this song, all by myself.

You ready? Here it comes.

[hard-rock music playing]

Table!

Yes!

[Justice laughs]

Hey!

No one escapes the League of Evil.

-[Justice] Justice is mine! -Sorry!

♪ But if I'm gonna die ♪

♪ I'd rather spend my time alive like I ain't never gonna die ♪

♪ 'Cause I ain't never gonna die! ♪

[screaming]

Who's next?

[music stops]

[gentle, pensive music playing]

[screeches]

[winces, then grunts]

[screams]

[music stops]

Look, it's been a very stressful couple of days,

and the dead guy I took this gun from said it does some very bad things

that I don't completely understand, so please just walk away.

Cain?

Beatrix? You're alive?

Yeah, kind of, but something really bad happened.

You're alive!

-Oh-- -No.

I can't believe I doubted you.

Oh, no, Cain. It--

This is unbelievable. You are a villain!

-You're not-- You're not listening, I'm-- -We're number one! Oh!

My best friend in the whole world is an officially-licensed villain now.

Like a bona fide, certified villain, right?

[sentimental music playing]

-Yeah. -Yes! Oh, wow.

Oh, this is a good day.

We can get out of this abandoned grocery store.

I can call my parents.

They give you a villain name?

Do you have a name? Is it really cool? What's your villain name?

Danger Person 83617.

Oh, those are ju-- Those are great numbers.

Whoo! I'm sorry. I'm just very excited.

It's been a stressful couple of days, and this just makes it all go away.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Sorry, I cut you off earlier. You were saying something bad happened?

Yeah. Um...

I... I lost your duffel bag.

Whoa.

[seething]

I'm sorry. I know it meant a lot to you.

Did you--? Did you try retracing your steps?

Yeah. I'm-- It's gone.

That's okay. It was just a priceless family heirloom.

It's not... It's fine.

Look, you can replace a duffel bag,

but you can't replace a best friend who's a villain.

Thank you, Beatrix. Thank you.

Harold is gonna be ecstatic.

[sobbing]

Okay, Harold. All right, let's... Let's calm down.

Okay, okay. Just breathe.

That prize money's gonna change a lot of things.

But we need to stay humble.

Yes.

Remember, we still don't know exactly when that's going to arrive.

Also, it's very important that neither of you

ever tell anyone that I'm a villain.

You got it... boss.

I know I've said this to all of my masters before, but I would do anything for you.

-Great. -I'd even kill him.

-[Cain] Whoa. -[Harold] Someone I consider a friend.

-Please don't. -Just to prove my loyalty.

Where'd you get that?

Amazon. It's not like I'd enjoy it.

Unless she commanded me to. Then I suppose I'd have to.

Okay, no killing Cain.

As you wish.

[sighs] Let's all just go to bed. No more surprises tonight.

Oh, you guys made tea?

[groans quietly]

Who is this?

That's Alex. He doesn't know it, but his boss was slain

while trying to sell him to some psychos.

-Then why'd you bring him back here? -He's our new intern.

[grunts weakly]

[ghoulish music playing]

Oh! You dirty son of a...

Have that ball destroyed.

[door opens, then closes]

Sir, it's confirmed.

-The tryouts were raided. -Excellent.

Start scheduling a new round right away.

And, uh, make sure our friend Captain Justice

gets another anonymous tip.

There was one applicant who escaped.

[Sigma] Danger Person 83617.

[chuckles]

Well, she's certainly hard to kill.

Pew!

[Beatrix] All right, let's review.

Take the hammer, smash the ATM, drill a hole, put in some dynamite.

Questions?

Yes. Why don't we just wait for the tryout prize money?

I told you, it's-- It's coming.

It's just that the League wants us to show some initiative.

-You're sure they're okay with all this? -Mm-hm!

I'm a licensed villain, it's legal. Harold, you have the hammer?

All three. One, two, three.

-Cain, dynamite? -Yes.

-Where is it? -Right here.

-These are road flares. -Are you sure?

-Okay, that one's on me. -Yeah.

They did throw in some free pepper spray.

Great. Now we just need to find an ATM with eyes.

Good one, boss. [chuckles]

Where can we find some explosives this time of night?

Maybe these guys would know.

[sneaky music playing]

[Beatrix] Dang it.

Hey! Hey! This is our spot. We have dibs.

-What? -Dibs. You know, first right of refusal.

You'll have to go and find another ATM.

-You gotta be kidding me. -I'm not.

But if you guys have some dynamite, we'd be willing to go halfsies.

-Listen, lady, we're not going anywhere. -Oh, really? Well, it's hammer time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on.

Why don't we, um, share the area, all right?

In fact, I would be more than happy to take you guys

to a very promising vending machine

right down this street.

Big mistake.

[groans] Okay.

So no money, but on the bright side,

we did make the streets a little less safe.

-So that's still a win. -Go us!

Hey. How'd the, uh, criming go?

Great. Fine. What do you want?

Uh, could I use a hand on a little experiment?

-Is it dangerous? -There's a slight risk of injury.

Harold.

Okay, let's talk next job.

Ideally something that pays a lot. Like in the millions?

Well, how much is the prize money?

Next job, Cain. We gotta be the bast.

The what?

It's a thing they taught us at Villain Tryouts.

-Gotcha. What about Killer Petco? -We can't.

The retail space is sold, and it's definitely a seller's market.

We need a plan.

[celestial music playing]

Sorry. Still working out some of the bugs.

Carry fridge.

That'll work.

[Beatrix] So you call it the Healthy Brace?

No, it's the Helpy with a P.

[upbeat music playing]

That's a terrible name.

Harold, are...? Are you okay?

Fine, hungry and gassy.

The system hinders memory, so he won't remember what happened.

-That might also just be his age. -Yeah.

So how does it work exactly?

Well, you know how we only use 10 percent of our brain?

Well, we also only use 5 percent of our muscle.

And the Helpy Brace accesses the other 95 percent,

which gives the user maximum strength, coordination, everything.

It also counts your steps.

How did it make him throw a fridge?

Oh, simple.

Technohypnosis.

Or TH, for short.

It's a project I've been working on for Mr. Megadeath.

[Harold snoring]

He's in sleep mode. It's fine.

But how is he still standing up?

It's the same tech that they use in Segways.

But the real magic is in the voice command.

Harold, dance.

[laughs] It's cool, right?

Okay, so that's how he threw the fridge?

Well, the command was to make a sandwich, but like I said, it's still pretty buggy.

And by buggy, I mean dangerous.

What about breaking into a safe, like that one?

-Could he do that? -Probably. Here, give it a try.

Harold, open the safe.

I don't think we're gonna need dynamite anymore.

Not safe.

-[Alex yells] -Oh! Okay, um...

-Ow. -Harold, what are you doing? Stop--

-[groaning] -Harold!

-[bones crack] -[groaning]

[suspenseful music playing]

A little help here?

Force quit!

Confirmed.

[music fades]

[screwdriver clatters]

-Oh, no, no, no! No, no! -Oh, no! No, no.

[Beatrix & Cain sighing]

How'd it go?

[screams]

[shouting gibberish]

[exhales]

All right, so good first test. Should we go again?

-I don't know if that's gonna be possible. -No, it's okay.

I think it's just stuck in the bone.

No.

[groans]

Wait.

It just needs a new chip. Mr. Megadeath might have one.

Should we call him?

[dialing phone]

[line ringing]

[line chimes]

[automated voice] The number you have reached has been disconnected.

It's doing the... [mimics chime] ...thing.

I might know a guy.

[pins clatter]

Sweet. I love bowling.

[grunts, then thuds]

-You bowl? -Mostly online.

I'm more of a dodgeball guy.

-Also online. -All right, you guys stay here,

keep an eye out while we go and get the chips.

Permission to use lethal force.

-For what? -On the pins. Kapow.

-Denied. -Copy.

Just keep a low profile.

-Come on, Cain. -Roger that.

I hope you're ready to become a man.

How-- How?

Well, you got one ball. You're halfway there.

-[Beatrix] So who is this guy? -He's a notoriously violent ex-villain

known as the Seagull.

-[Beatrix] Ex-villain? -Yeah.

He lost his license after he pecked a colleague to death

for making bird sounds at him.

He's been a black-market dealer ever since.

That's where I get our pantyhose.

She's here.

Well, if it isn't Danger Person 83617.

Looks like someone's got some... time to spare.

Let me do the talking. We don't want to come off soft.

Just don't bring up his hand, all right? He's very self-conscious about it.

I'm not gonna be looking at his hand. I'm gonna be looking at his eyes.

[Beatrix exhales]

Mr. Seagull, it's such a pleasure to meet with you today.

Really...

What was that?

What?

That face you made when I spun around.

I didn't make a face.

Was it my hand?

What hand?

Oh, that's new.

What we're trying to say is, uh, do you have one of these?

Hey! You gotta go.

Go. Go. Go! Get!

[door closes]

This is a Romethean mind-control chip.

How did you guys get one of these?

We have a very specialized team.

I will kill you pins!

I will cut your family into splinters

and bathe in your wooden blood!

[yells]

[rock music playing over speakers]

This game is rigged.

-[man] Thank you for tuning in to 98.3. -Come on. Try this.

[woman] This is now 98.3 Mix.

How'd you get so good at technomancy?

When I was 9, I found a broken-down arcade game,

and I fiddled with it until it started working again.

And then I fiddled with it some more and made a cyborg.

I've been obsessed with technology ever since.

You know, in my day, we called them electronicals.

How'd you guys meet?

The three of us started working for this villain called Opaque Man.

-Isn't he the guy that's almost invisible? -Yeah. We were his cronies.

-No way! -BFFs forever.

I wish I had friends.

Oh, you... You don't have friends?

Well, just the ones I program. And then Mr. Megadeath.

Yeah. Yeah, that probably...

Yeah.

Well, you know, I'll, uh...

I'll be your friend.

-Really? -Oh, yeah.

I mean, technically, you're part of the team anyway,

and... basically, we're all your friends.

-Awesome. -But you do start at the bottom.

-I'm okay with that. -Great.

Can you lend me some money?

Ten thousand. Cash.

I'm not doing any of that Bitcoin nonsense anymore.

And how much for one?

Ten thousand, cash.

Do you do financing?

[laughing]

Okay, just...

I mean, do you have the money or not?

-Yes. -Not physically.

But we can come to some kind of arrangement.

Such as equity in our evil startup.

No!

You come here, insult me,

and waste my time with nothing to show?

Does the chip we brought have any trade-in value?

No!

-Does this have trade-in value? -Hold on. Okay, hold on.

We can get you your money and more.

We just need a handful of chips.

Not hand. Any appendage. Sorry.

Quiet!

Quiet! [squawks]

Do you know why the seagull is the most magnificent bird?

Because of its unexpected mercy?

No.

It's because the seagull isn't afraid to eat its own species.

[Beatrix gasps]

[Seagull] This back here...

I got it.

I got it, Pete.

Okay, I got it! Let me do it! Pete, I can do it.

I can do it myself. I've got--

[Pete groans]

I hope they don't think this was a hate crime.

Don't look suspicious.

Or do. I don't know what's better here.

[Harold] Hey. Look what I learned today.

That's great. Are these the right ones?

[Alex] Uh...

Yeah. Good to go.

-Great. We gotta go. -Are you sure? We paid for two more games.

-We need to go right now, okay? -Someone sounds like a chicken. [clucking]

[Seagull grunting]

[squawks]

[hard-rock music playing]

Give me the remote.

Alex, defend.

[Pete] Get over here.

[groans]

[crowd] Ooh!

[chortling]

[yells]

Wow.

I gotta have one of these. Find them.

♪ Oh ♪

Oh, yes!

[screams]

You!

[squawks]

[groans] You're crazy.

[Seagull] I'll kill you!

[squawks]

[screaming]

[screams]

I got you.

[pop music playing on speakers]

Alex, let's go.

[line rings]

[man over phone] 911. What's your emergency?

[sirens wailing in distance]

[Beatrix] Alex, hurry up.

Oh, he's in sleep mode. Come on, grab his legs.

Up, up, up.

Hurry, hurry. Lift with your legs.

[Cain] One, two...

Hey, secure the perimeter. What are you doing?

-Go interrogate the big guy. -Detective.

-What? -It's the chief.

Hello, sir. Yeah, everything's under control.

-Just some bowlers up to... -Shenanigans.

-...shenanigans. -[Justice] Really?

Or were they... framed?

Nice.

Captain Justice, we've been expecting you.

I know. Where is he?

[Seagull] Get off. Let go. You're in my house.

Well, well, well.

Are you the one that made this place so messy?

No.

It was your mom.

[growls, then squawks]

[groans, then screams]

First of all, the alien species I come from doesn't have moms.

We developed from plant pods.

Like unto this earth's fruit tree.

Except these pods are made up of mass quantities of creatine

and essential amino acids.

-Roasted. -[Seagull screams]

Okay, all right, all right. [whimpers]

It was a gang of no-namers looking for Romethean mind-control chips.

-Romethean chips? -[Seagull] Uh-huh, yep. [groans]

You don't think Sigma could be behind this, do you?

For the sake of this small-to-medium-sized metropolitan area,

I hope not.

Sir, they found this.

That-- That's the guy.

He's like their secret weapon.

Took out my men like they were a flock of pigeons.

Huh. Right. I'm on it.

Uh, you need some backup?

Does this look like it needs backup?

-No. -No.

[Justice] I mean, look at me.

There's one thing you can do: Bring thirst...

-[all] To justice! -[both] To justice!

-[both] To justice! -[all] To justice!

Who wants some swag?

-[cop] Yeah! -There you go, Tom.

There you go, Turbo.

Hey. Yeah, sport.

-Yeah! Yeah! -[Justice] Oh, yeah.

All right. I'm out, fellas.

Later, skater.

-[slaps butt] -[yelps]

Oh, God. [groans]

Dang, he's, like, so cool.

-As for you... -[Seagull] Huh?

-...you're going to county. -No, no!

-Shut up. -No, I can't go in a cage.

I'm a free bird. I'm a free bird!

Hi. I was wondering if you could help me make these.

For your troubles.

Please?

[rock beat playing]

[music stops]

Perfect.

And I think it goes without saying that if you tell anyone

about what happened here today, this will be you:

[paper tearing]

So I won't say it.

-[grunts] -I'm so sorry.

-Hmm. -Forgive me.

Ugh! I am a good shot.

That's why they call me Deadeye.

I thought that was because you were blind in one eye.

That's one of the reasons they call me Deadeye.

-[groaning] -Hey, hey, it's the man of the hour.

-Why am I wearing bowling shoes? -Because you saved us last night, brother.

What?

These guys were attacking us, and you were all:

[grunts, growls]

They were trying to kill us. It was awesome.

Trying to kill us?

Yes. Crime in this city has gotten out of control.

[door opens]

-Where's my phone? -I don't know. Did you eat it?

Here they are, hot off the... mail.

Oh, whoa. Hubba, hubba.

Okay, that's enough.

This check is written out to Benatrix?

Benatrix? Oh, dang it. That was one of the other prize recipients.

Guess this one's no good. Anyway, how are you feeling, buddy?

Good. Uh, actually, pretty sore.

Yeah, we kind of dropped you down the stairs last night

while you were in sleep mode, but no harm, no foul, right?

Shouldn't we resolve the check issue?

-I could call someone. -No, I'll take care of it.

Yeah. You don't have my social. It's best to just keep moving forward.

-No use waiting for spilled milk. -Exactly.

So, what now?

Uh, more tests

and try to fix the bugs?

Great.

Well, at least he isn't kissing the bread anymore.

-[Harold moaning] -Never mind.

-Ugh, ugh. -[coughs]

What base did I get to?

Experiment 233, failed.

Decrease affection.

What is the deal?

You said we only needed a few more tweaks, and we have been tweaking for days.

Well, mind control is not an exact science.

It's more of a social science.

Harold, maybe you shouldn't eat the test subject?

It's what it would have wanted.

You know, Mr. Megaman is expecting the Helpy Brace

to be up and running by the time he gets back.

You mean Megadeath?

Yes. And he's coming back soon.

I mean, you don't wanna disappoint him, do you?

-No. -Well, we better get this fixed, then.

Well, that's impossible until we get the updated wristbands back.

-The what? -The wristbands.

You know, the ones Mr. Megadeath has for his meeting.

-Were they in a black duffel bag? -Yeah.

So this was never gonna work?

Of course not.

Does this look like cutting-edge technology to you?

Yeah.

Why were we running all these tests, then?

Honestly, I thought we were just trying to kill time.

[Cain] Wait!

I know where they are.

[Beatrix] What?

I know where they are!

[engine stops]

Hello, Megadeath?

-What's that? Just go in? -Can I talk to him?

No. He's mad at you for not telling us about this before.

I'm mad at you for making me gain ten pounds.

Okay, thanks.

He's ready for us.

Alex, you just stay here and watch the car.

-Tell him hi for me. -Okay.

[Cain whispering] Shouldn't we be doing this at night?

[Beatrix whispering] It's always crime o'clock somewhere, Cain.

[man on TV] ...the energy it gives me to get through the day.

-[boy on TV] Give me my Justice Juice! -[man] Food is boring.

-[boy] I love Justice Juice. -[man] Justice Juice is fun.

-[boy] I gotta get that Justice Juice. -[man] It's what's in their veins.

Guys, the bag. The bag.

Hi, is this St. Peter's Medical? Do you happen to have any dead bodies

with the name of Alex, by chance?

Uh-huh.

[chips rustle]

Okay.

What'd he look like?

No, not that guy. No, someone else.

-[bottle crinkles] -Harold.

[whispering] I need to hydrate.

-It's coming on. -Hey, I gotta go.

[on TV] ♪ Find love through the sorrow ♪

[melodramatic music playing on TV]

[man on TV] Whoa, boy. Whoa.

What?

Go. Go help him.

Well, I don't understand mime. Use your words.

-[shoes squeal] -[yelps]

[gunfire]

What's going on down here?

-[rock ballad playing] -♪ We found love ♪

♪ Young love ♪

♪ Yeah, I know that it sounds crazy ♪

♪ But she had me from the start ♪

♪ We found heart ♪

♪ Two hearts ♪

Turn that off.

Give me those.

Do you know how many wrongful deaths occur with home firearms?

Mrs. Megadeath, this was an accident.

You're an accident!

That's Megadeath's wife? Megadeath was like 36.

Yeah. So cool.

[Mrs. Megadeath] I just bought that yesterday.

Now I am hearing news about some nerd with a bracelet

that destroyed a bowling alley.

Ring any bells?

-Probably the intern. -You think?

In the meantime, you guys are just thinking

he's gonna mosey on up to the front door.

Hello?

Friends?

[Mrs. Megadeath] I am in my golden years,

but instead of grinding away on Peloton trainers,

I am stuck here with you two goofballs, micromanaging a kidnapping!

Alex, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be watching the car.

-I got bored. -Right.

Well, we're kind of in a meeting.

Well, also, I wanted to apologize 'cause I feel like I let you guys down.

Seriously, it's fine.

Please, I-- I know I'm not a great communicator. [clears throat]

Dear friends...

-[watch chimes] -Oh, great.

Now I'm late for Pilates.

Find him, or you two are fired.

And I mean that literally.

With a flamethrower!

[both] Sorry, Mrs. Megadeath.

And stop calling me Mrs. Megadeath.

[both] Sorry, Deb.

[door slams upstairs]

[scoffs]

Okay, I'm not gonna lie. That hurt.

Maybe...

Maybe we should leave, like off the grid.

-You mean abandon our posts? -[hit man] Yeah.

-I mean, she doesn't appreciate us. -You know who appreciates us? Megadeath.

[hit man] I know.

-And I killed him. -You did.

That's gonna take a lot of sessions to work through.

You thinking what I'm thinking?

[both] Mutiny.

No, no, no.

No!

Heresy!

-[Cain] Harold, don't-- -Die!

Please don't.

"Ever since I got the internship with Megadeath,

life was finally turning around.

But then you guys came into my life,

and you must be great because Mr. Megadeath trusts you guys.

In a great country such as this, the United States of America,

James Blunt really said it best.

[clears throat]

♪ It's been lonely ♪

♪ Trying to get your attention From a thousand miles away ♪

♪ Yeah, we both know ♪

♪ In between you and me There's an ocean ♪

But I digress.

Or do I?

Because you can never really digress an apology as long as it's sincere.

So in conclusion, I'm sorry.

And God bless America."

["American the Beautiful" playing on kazoo]

Can we talk about this later?

Yeah. I was just worried I drove everyone away.

[clangs]

-What was that? -Um, no. Uh, tell me more about that.

Well, I've never really had friends before.

And sometimes I feel like people are just trying to get away from me

because, you know, I'm weird.

No. You're not.

No, seriously. Even my youth pastor told me.

Like as a joke, you think?

No, he was being for real.

Listen, everyone's a little weird.

You just have to find the weird people who accept you for you

and be your best self.

[Harold grunting]

Harold, it's me!

We need to go. We need to go.

That's how I can fit in?

[sighs] That's how you can be happy.

-And don't worry, you're still our friend. -Thanks.

Oh.

Hey, how was the meeting?

It was good. Well, it was a soft yes, so...

Not for me.

Dinner, anyone?

[over transmission] I've been thinking, we should keep Alex around.

You know, watch over him.

Behind every great villain is a great tech guy.

[over transmission] I think that's a great idea.

Do you think we should maybe tell him about Megadeath?

Maybe after we take over the world.

[Alex] Guess what. Free paper plates!

[all cheering, laughing]

[Beatrix] Those are mine. Give them to me! Give them to me!

[group chattering]

-[metal clangs] -[gasps]

-[intense music playing] -[grunts]

[yells]

What's going on?

It's ready.

What is? Breakfast?

No, the Helpy Brace.

Harold, make me a sandwich.

I made the adjustments last night.

Completed.

See? He made it even though I said "Make me a sandwich"

instead of "Make a sandwich for me."

-Yes! -He knew the difference! Grammar.

Here, ask him anything.

Harold, open the safe.

[in French accent] The door is open.

[Alex giggles] I added that last night too.

You can program him with five different accents.

Great job, Alex.

My friends, I bought us a new safe...

Did you guys break the door on my new safe?

Cain, I thought it was a communal safe.

[exhales slowly]

You guys need to start buying your own things.

Break my safe once, shame on me.

Break my safe twice...

-shame on me. -Shame on you. Yeah.

-When's that prize money coming? -[Beatrix] Soon.

-It better be. -[Beatrix] It's soon.

Better be soon. 'Cause I cannot keep this up.

I'm having to sell stuff that you wouldn't believe.

Sorry, Cain.

Now let's do crimes.

[techno-rock music playing]

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

♪ The kids, the kids are the best The kids, the kids are the best ♪

Hey, guys, do something funny.

♪ Get with the kids Get with the kids ♪

♪ Kids are the best ♪

♪ Kids are the best... ♪

[yells]

-[Beatrix] Whoa! -Sorry, B!

[Cain] Shoot it!

Harold, what did you think?

Well, an amazing treatise on how to achieve your goals

without dealing with abstract scruples.

Did you guys get how to pronounce his last name?

I couldn't figure out...

-"Machiavelli"? -[Beatrix] It's "Machiavelli."

♪ Hey ♪

♪ Great strength ♪

♪ Get with the kids Get with the kids ♪

[Beatrix] Take it. Ooh, I'll take it.

[all cheering]

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

♪ The kids, the kids are the best ♪

I'm also getting from this book that France might be a good place for us to go.

-[Alex] France? -Because they seem so easy to fool.

-Yes. Yes. -Yes.

Yes.

Hey, can you help me falsify some more documents?

[Sigma] Gladly.

[ghoulish music playing]

And, uh, how will you be paying for them? Cash? Credits? Romethean chips?

-How did you find me? -Find?

I've been watching you ever since you deserted, Danger Person 83617.

Or, should I say, Beatrix?

No, wait, that's-- I don't like that either.

You have been very busy with your little...

Helpy Brace, is it?

It's a working title.

Keep working on that.

-All right, let's do this. -No, no, no. I didn't come here to fight.

Right. You're here to destroy. Save it.

I came here to offer you a job.

Yeah, I got a job for you.

Here's your application. Here's your résumé.

You've got talent, Danger Person.

Now, I got to admit, I didn't see it at first,

but when I was observing you at that bowling alley,

and then at the mansion, and then all over town,

I realized you're exactly what I have been looking for.

A Justice Juice.

What?

-Justice Juice. Bring thirst to justice. -Yeah, I know it. I know it.

-Anyway, this is my company. -You aren't a villain?

I'm a businessman.

Any time one of our Justice Juice heroes beats a bad guy

or stops a building from catching on fire, anything heroic at all,

our sales skyrocket.

But at the same time,

the hero's success further angers the villain.

Who buy your power supplements.

Exactly. I'm playing them from both sides.

-I'm a genius. -So why me?

I'm glad you asked.

Despite the zero calories and energy that lasts all day long,

the brand's never really been able to attract

the most coveted retail demographic of all:

women.

That is, until now.

Introducing Lady Justice Juice.

For her.

You would be Lady Justice, henchwoman gone hero.

Strong enough to inspire women, but not so strong as to scare off men.

-Ugh. -It's a thing.

And the best part about it is, because the can is pink,

we get to charge more.

The focus groups love this.

-So this isn't about the Helpy Brace? -No, absolutely not.

I mean, don't get me wrong, I still intend to take that

and sell it in my villains line of products. But think about it.

Who needs mind control when you've got marketing?

I appreciate the offer,

but I'm here to conquer the world, not quench its thirst.

Conquer the world. How is it again? With $1 billion?

Maybe.

Sweetheart, that number's a myth.

Trust me, not even with 20 billion could you even get close.

Ask Jeff Bezos.

You know him?

But this right here, this is real.

I know it's not your mayhem, destruction dream gig that you've always wanted,

but most jobs aren't.

What about my friends?

I've always felt it safer just to cut them loose.

Think about it.

But if I were you, I wouldn't take too long.

What do you mean?

It's not just the bad guys you should worry about.

[ghoulish music playing over club beat]

Captain Justice.

Harold, team meeting, ASAP. We need a-- Where are you?

-The arcade. -What?

Combat training. You want a pencil or a Tootsie Roll?

-Put Cain on the phone. -[Cain] You gonna come play Skee-Ball?

-No. Is Alex with you? -No.

-Where is he? -I don't know. The library?

-I'm not my brother's keeper. -Find him and get to HQ, quick.

[intense music playing]

Alex!

Alex! Alex!

[Justice] Well, hello there.

I'm also looking for Alex.

-Don't know him. -Weren't you just yelling his name?

Mm, I don't think so.

[Harold & Cain from outside] Alex!

[Harold] Alex!

[Cain] Alex!

Alex?

-No. Sorry, we're... -[Harold] Alex!

[Cain] We're looking for a kid named Alex. Have you seen a kid named Alex?

I'm sorry, I'm looking for our friend named Alex.

-[Harold] Alex! -[Cain] Alex!

I can't find Al--

[whirs]

-Hero? -Ah, a fan.

Anyway, I happen to have found his phone.

I was hoping to return it to him.

You couldn't give me his last known coordinates, could you?

Could you give us a minute?

[door slams]

-How did he track us here? -Probably our billing statements.

-What? -We joined a family plan.

We needed three people. You were at tryouts.

-Ugh. -Why don't we just call the League?

-No, they can't know anything. -Why not?

-Because I said so. -I say we interrogate him, lock him up,

shoot rubber bands right into his eyeballs.

Think about it, master.

You play your cards right, you've got your first nemesis.

This could be huge for you.

Okay, new plan. Go out there and tell him Alex is dead.

-But I'm bad at lying. -Tell him whatever you want.

Just don't mention secret plans or stealing or mind-control bracelets.

[Justice] Mind-control bracelets?

Using mind-control chips, perhaps?

How did you...?

[Justice] Super-hearing and a bit of common sense.

Oh, yeah? Then what am I saying?

[mouths words]

[Justice] You just asked what two plus two is.

Two plus two is four.

-He's good. -Yeah, I guess he can hear us.

Listen.

[suspenseful music playing]

Run out of hands?

[grunts]

Touché.

-Can you help me down? -I'm floating too. I can't.

-You help me, and then I'll help you. -Yeah, I'll do that.

Just a suggestion. I've never been in this situation before.

Yeah, me neither.

People are usually quieter before they die.

[Cain & Beatrix choking]

You're making a mistake.

I don't make mistakes.

I make justice.

Hey. Make this.

Bummer.

[solemn music playing]

[automated voice on belt speaker] Warning: Hero down. Warning: Hero down.

It appears you have killed Captain Justice.

[coughing]

If you feel you have reached this recording in error,

please hang up and try again.

You eviscerated Captain Justice!

Do you think he's gonna be okay?

Probably not.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

-Okay. Here you go. -No, you, get some starch.

You get a solidifier. We need to get him to a hospital.

Cain, come on. We gotta go, buddy. We gotta go.

[Alex] Sweet.

-I love green Jell-O. -No, no, no, no!

-No, don't eat that! Don't eat that! -[Cain] You just ate him.

-[Beatrix] Where have you been? -The library.

[Cain sobs]

Is this my phone?

[Harold] Hello, League of Evil?

Yeah, we just eviscerated a hero.

-No. No! -[Harold] What?

Master, what are you doing? We have to call the League. It's protocol.

We are not protocolling anyone. We need to disappear.

No more contact with the League, with anyone.

-What about Mr. Megadeath? -He's dead.

-Dead? -Yeah, for a while. Now we need to go.

-[Harold] What about the prize money? -There is no prize money!

Okay? I never passed the tryouts.

You lied about being a villain?

Yes, but in my defense, you believed me.

-Why would you do this? -You lied to Alex.

-I shot a man for you. -Technically, he's an alien.

I thought we were friends.

We are friends. And now we're accomplices, which is even cooler.

But we gotta go.

The cops are on the way, and Sigma knows where we are.

-Who's Sigma? -He's the bast guy. Just trust me.

I'm sorry...

but I don't trust traitors.

Okay, fine. If you wanna get caught by the cops, that's fine by me.

Come on, guys.

[Harold] No.

There is no "we."

Alex?

Fine. If that's how it's gonna be, fine.

I was probably just gonna kill you all anyways.

[melancholy folk music playing]

♪ Tell me, can you reach the highest ♪

♪ And never once misstep? ♪

♪ To fall down from the tallest peaks ♪

♪ Will leave you in the deepest depths ♪

♪ Well, nothing ever lasts forever ♪

♪ Yeah, with time It comes down in a blaze ♪

♪ The air we breathe is cold and empty ♪

♪ And yet it feeds the flames ♪

♪ Oh, does my armor sparkle ♪

♪ 'Cause it's rusting at the seams? ♪

♪ And do you see a life that's full? ♪

[photographer] Good, good.

♪ Because empty's all I'll ever be ♪

♪ Empty's all I'll ever be ♪

-[can opens] -[slurping]

♪ Hmm ♪

[sobbing]

♪ Well, does my armor sparkle ♪

♪ 'Cause it's rusting at the seams? ♪

Oh, that's awful.

[reporter] Captain Justice has died.

If you'll join me in a moment of silence.

♪ The world is always spinning... ♪

[reporter] A word from our sponsors.

[announcer] This summer, your kids are only after one kind of juice.

-[alarm blaring] -[crowd screaming]

♪ Is gravity a gift or a curse? ♪

♪ Without it, could this be erased? ♪

♪ Without it, could this be erased? ♪

Look like the opposite of, uh, like you found a dead body.

Oh, that's incredible.

[sighs]

[man 1] I don't care how evil you are.

What they're doing in Flint, Michigan, just isn't right.

[man 2] I don't know. They're just following orders.

[man 1] So, what are you doing this weekend?

[man 2] Oh, I'm at the plant, finishing up a cyborg experiment.

Something called the Helpy Brace.

Helpy Brace?

That's a terrible name.

[whispering] Thank you.

[man 2] Yeah, the nerd who made it is the test subject.

Boss wants to make a supervillain

that he can control with a remote control or something.

-Alex. -Honestly, it sounds like somebody just

wants to test out their new brain drill, if you ask me.

[water splashes]

[man 2] Someone in there?

[in husky voice] Yeah, sorry. I'm just on the Justice Juice cleanse.

[boot clunking, water splashing]

Hail Sigma.

[both] Hail Sigma.

-[pee trickles] -Oh. Damn it.

Gotta get a paper towel.

-[man 2] Gonna wash your hands? -[man 1] No, I'm bad.

[whispering] Crap.

Crap.

[photographer] Ah, Lady Justice. Uh, just in time.

Okay, we're gonna go ahead and do profiles now.

So if you wanted to take this and just step over...

We're-- We're gonna go ahead and, uh--

We're gonna go ahead and take a ten-minute break, everyone.

Ten-minute break? Sound-- Sound good?

Yeah, let's-- Yeah, let's-- Let's do that.

Now, this next test is kind of a treat, if you're a dog.

[laughs wheezily]

So we want you to rate the taste of poison on a scale of 1 to 10,

as well as how much it tastes like a dog biscuit.

And it's worth repeating, don't ingest.

It is still poison.

[Harold gags]

-On the plus side, your coat is shinier. -Oh, yeah?

-Yeah. -I agree.

You.

[Harold vomiting]

What are you doing here? Trying to get your betrayal quota up?

I came to talk.

Yeah, well, you're wasting your time.

I need your help. Alex is in trouble.

Who?

The intern.

-Who came up with the Helpy Brace. -His name is Alex?

-Yes. -[Harold] I thought he was dead.

Sigma is going to turn him into a cyborg unless we stop him.

Sorry, B. No can do.

Oh, come on. What do you mean? There's plenty of do that can.

Not with-- [seethes]

Not with us.

Not with you.

I know I messed up, okay? And I'm sorry.

[Cain] Sorry doesn't cut it.

You lied and you cheated, all for your own personal gain.

Which is pretty cool for a villain...

But not a friend.

So if you'll excuse us, we have some poison to test.

You're right.

I know. Okay? You're right. And I understand.

I tried to be something I wasn't, and I lost what matters most.

[sentimental music playing]

What?

You. My friends.

-Oh, yeah. -Yeah, she was talking about us.

In case I don't make it...

Wait.

Is that my hat?

-No, it's my hat. -All right.

Wait.

[sighs]

We'll help.

But we reserve the right to stab you in the back at any moment.

Deal.

So, what's the plan?

I have an idea.

[high-energy music playing]

It's almost ready, sir.

[squawks]

I hope you like death.

-[Sigma] I love it. -[squawks]

[Sigma] So, Alex,

the bad news is we're gonna have to saw your head open to put the bracelet in.

But the good news is I found... some ibuprofen.

-It'll help with the pain. -Can I have, like, three?

Well, it recommends only two,

so I think we should stick with that for safety.

But I got really thick blood.

I'll be the judge of that. But I'll tell you what.

I'm gonna let you hang on to them until you're ready.

Sir, you have a phone call.

-I'm busy. -It's Joseph Stalin's clone.

He's degenerating very rapidly.

[sighs]

I'll be back in five. Prepare the patient.

[grunting]

Can I go to the bathroom before we do this?

I drank too much Justice Juice.

You can pee once I get you out of here.

-You! -Shh!

Hello, Stalin's clone.

[in Russian accent] Ah! This is Stalin.

Just real quick, which one of you am I talking to?

It's, uh...

I am Number 5.

I thought I told you guys not to go past three.

Ugh. This is a disgrace.

Motherland angry.

KGB.

Well, you're definitely Stalin.

-No! -Shut up.

I don't want to.

There are obviously still a lot of raw emotions happening.

You lied to me and used me.

Technically, Cain lied to you, and I lied to Cain and Harold.

Hey! Oh!

Listen, I'm sorry. You're right. But it would be a lot better

if we could talk about this after I get you out of the death machine.

-Fine. -Where is the Helpy Brace?

Sigma has it. He put it in his jacket pocket.

Did you know there's dynamite on this chair?

-No. -Yeah, it's a lot of dynamite.

-It's like ten. -Oh!

Lady Justice?

Why aren't you doing your Lady Justice podcast?

And why are you trying to untie my test subject?

This test subject is my friend.

-You have no right. -Actually, under your contract,

I'm allowed to try any experimental procedure

on any of your friends.

These stupid contracts!

That's where you're wrong, buddy. I'm not gonna let you.

Lady J, come on. I mean, this is silly.

Hey, think of the sales.

-No! -[Sigma] Fine.

I've done everything I could.

You're expendable.

Sorry, Alex.

[rock music playing]

Give me back my dead ex-husband's intern!

Boys, let's nail these suckers!

[all shouting]

-What's happening? -Megadeath's ex got an anonymous tip.

I guess the early bird does get the worm.

[laughing]

[laughing maniacally]

[screams]

[Seagull choking, screaming]

-[rock ballad playing] -♪ We found love ♪

♪ Young love... ♪

Nice gun.

Who are you?

I'm Harold.

Do you come here often?

[Beatrix whimpers]

[automated voice] Self-destruct sequence activated.

No! Uh...

-Thank you for choosing Sigma. -Double no.

Have you tried kicking it?

-[Beatrix yells] -[Cain] Stop touching it!

-[door opens] -Oh, no. We got company.

[suspenseful music playing]

I got this.

Okay, hold on.

What if, instead of fighting, we join forces?

[pencil pierces flesh]

[yells]

You could have just said no!

Harold!

Whoa. Close one.

Although...

I've never been afraid of getting too close.

Meet me at Denny's tonight.

[Beatrix] Harold!

Harold!

Eight o'clock.

Please, Cousin Bomb, defuse.

[Beatrix] Harold!

[growls]

[Harold] What?

[intense music playing]

-Oh! -I knew it!

[screams]

[music fades]

-[groaning] -[Cain] Harold! Hold on, buddy.

We got you.

-[Beatrix] Are you okay? -No.

Makes sense.

[Harold whimpering]

[ghoulish music playing]

You, drop the bottle.

You, stop crying.

Absolutely, and may I say, big fan.

Also stop talking.

Would you look at this mess?

And to think I was gonna give you employee of the month.

I'm not your employee.

But I am gonna take care of business.

How are you planning on doing that?

You know, just a little element I like to call...

surprise!

-[kicking] -[Harold & Cain wincing]

Is that a side effect from the Justice Juice?

What's gonna happen to me?

-A-tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle-- -Stop it!

[intense music playing]

Here's a little surprise for you. No one in the world can stop me.

Especially not

a wannabe bad guy like you.

There is one person.

Oh, yeah? Who?

You.

Force quit.

Lady Justice.

[Harold yells]

[Cain laughs]

[stirring music playing]

I did it!

-Sleight of hand! -Ah!

I didn't see it. Can you do it again?

-He's dead. -Oh.

Well, yeah, I saw that part.

Do it to me.

-You want me to kill you? -No, just sleight-of-hand me.

-[detective] Everybody freeze! -[suspenseful music playing]

Put your hands up.

That's the one. There.

You're under arrest for the murder of Captain Justice.

-[Alex, Beatrix & Cain] What? -Yeah!

Belt-cam took these photos after Cap's death.

You ate him, you sick freak.

That is a huge misunderstanding.

-Let's get him out of here. -Wait!

It was them! Please! Are you serious? Aren't you guys gonna help at all?

Do you think we should tell them it was us?

-Stop resisting. -I'm not!

[screaming]

We'll break him out in a month.

A month will be really good for him.

Way to go, kid.

[screams, then groans]

[Alex screaming]

[Alex] Oh, God!

Help!

[Alex screaming]

Friends?

Friends.

[winces]

Friends.

[gentle, whimsical music playing]

I feel like there's a pen in my spleen.

Oh. Let's get you to a hospital.

-Appreciate it. -[Beatrix] Okay. Okay.

[Harold] Ow. Ow.

You know, except for the incredible pain, I feel pretty good.

-It went better than I thought it would. -Yeah.

[Harold] Did you guys get anything stuck in you?

-[Cain] Um... -[Beatrix] I did. I did.

I got a pencil stuck in my hand for a second.

-[Cain] Oh, that's gotta hurt. -[Beatrix] And I pulled it out.

[upbeat rock music playing]

[music stops]

[crashing]

[crowd shouting angrily]

[upbeat rock music playing]

[radio stations tuning]

[funky rock music playing]

-[man] Thank you for tuning in to 98.3. -This is Adele.

-Nick Lachey. -Avril Lavigne.

[man] Only the greatest hits from today...

-[boinging] -...tomorrow...

-[air horns blare] -...and last year.

[country-folk music playing]