Original subtitles

[upbeat saxophone music]

- [sing-songy] I'm here!

I just shot my very first official

Rosie La Reina insurance commercial

inspired by my favorite person.

both: Yourself?

- Second favorite person.

One, Mariah Carey.

Oh, I just read her memoir. It came out in 2020.

But it wasn't available at Ross until now.

I'm gonna go get some popcorn.

- When are you gonna tell Mom about your secret friendship

with her lying, cheating ex?

- I was thinking, you know, like,

10 past never.

I know, Mayan.

I'll tell her, but Josue's in recovery.

I'm helping a fellow addict.

- He broke Mom's heart.

Your friendship with him is a huge betrayal.

Secrets and lies is something old George did.

- I'll tell her later today.

- After this commercial, I'm going to be known as

the Mariah Carey of affordable insurance.

[upbeat music playing]

The world is a scary place

with no way to protect yourself, right?

Wrong!

Turn your pain into champagne!

Rosie La Reina's Insurance will protect you

against bad drivers, dishonest doctors.

We don't have insurance against cheating ex-boyfriends,

but I'm working on it.

- Shop La Reina today!

[speaking Spanish]

- * Rosie La Reina *

* Oh-oh, oh, oh, oh *

- No butterflies were harmed in the making of this video.

- That's not true. We harmed a lot of butterflies.

- I think maybe I'll find another day

to tell your mom about Josue.

- Yeah.

* *

- What's going on here?

Why do you have all our old stuff out?

- Chance's class is learning about what their parents

were like when they were younger.

- My teacher says parents are people, too.

I think she's going through something.

- [gasps]

My first LARPing cloak!

You know, LARPing means--

both: Live Action Role Play.

It's more than just a game.

It's a portal to another world.

- [gasps] My God!

My old computer from high school!

[gasps]

- Dang, baby got back!

Computers were this big 10 years ago?

- No, they were this big 30 years ago.

You think Nana bought me a new computer?

She got it at Ross.

[computer humming]

It still runs as good as the day I got it.

I used to spend hours mixing music on this thing.

- Like a DJ? - Yeah.

I got asked to play parties,

so I'd load this baby up on a wagon and wheel her on over.

- Whoa, you were cool?

I guess parents are people.

Live and learn. Live and learn.

- Check it out.

I remixed my dad's favorite song

so that he'd notice me.

- Did it work? - It did not.

But it still slaps.

[energetic music playing] - * Low rider *

* He's a real *

- Cool!

- You know what else is cool?

My amulet of invisibility.

Now you see me.

Now you pretend you don't.

- OK, now that Daddy's gone,

tell me more about DJ Mommy.

[jazzy music]

* *

- Josue, don't be alarmed.

It's just me, George.

- You look like Mexican Colombo.

I got your gas station potato just the way you like it--

day old.

- Hey, uh...

thanks, but not hungry.

- Wait. You're not hungry?

[gasps] You're breaking up with me.

- I owe it to Rosie to tell her about us.

And when I do, I also want to tell her

that we're not friends anymore.

- But you're not just my friend, George.

Hanging out with you these past weeks

has really helped me with my recovery.

I love our talks,

and our sunrise Zumba classes.

- I know. My hips have never been looser.

And you've helped me with my recovery, too, Josue.

- Oh.

- Which is what makes this so hard.

- I--I really don't know what I'm going to do

without you, George.

- If it'll help, I mean, to remember you by,

you could give me this Maserati.

- I just wish Rosie would let me apologize to her.

Can you give her this letter I wrote, please?

- Ah, sure. I mean...

I'd get it to her faster if I had a Maserati.

- [chuckles] George.

Well, I guess this is goodbye, then.

- Yeah.

Goodbye.

- I'm not giving you the car.

- Fine!

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

- OK, we already made the beat.

Now say something, and I'll loop it.

- Mom's the GOAT, baa.

- Here we go.

- * Mom's, Mom's, Mom's, Mom's *

* Mom's the GOAT, baa *

* Mom's, Mom's, Mom's the *

* Mom's, Mom's, Mom's *

* Mom's the GOAT, baa *

- Can we turn it down a skosh? It's a little loud.

- Your daddy hates this stuff.

I remember you coming to one of my sets and quickly leaving,

complaining "my tinnitus."

- [laughs] I blew my ears out at a Jason Mraz concert.

I got a surprise for you.

I took my LARPing cloak to a wizard,

and I had him cast a shrinking spell on it.

Wanna try it on? - Can we do it later?

Mom is showing me how to lay down some sick tracks.

- Did you hear that? My tracks are sick!

* *

- Hey, Rosie, I need to talk to you.

- What?

- I see you're busy.

I'll come back at later, 30.

- George, spit it out.

- I ran into Josue. We talked.

I helped him with his sex addiction.

We became friends. It's over.

I'm sorry. Don't kill me.

The power of Christ compels you!

- Did you just say

that you are friends with Josue?

- Ex-friends.

- And what do you mean, he's a sex addict?

- He goes to Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous,

SLAA.

I think they named it after coleslaw

because if you get coleslaw down in your chonies...

it's gonna slow you down.

- So you're telling me that he got into a relationship

with me knowing that he would probably cheat?

- Yeah.

He admitted it.

But to be fair,

he didn't say when he would cheat.

- This is a lot to process.

Thank you for being honest.

- That's what I do.

He asked me to give you this letter.

The last two sentences are really, really touching.

I mean, I was like that.

* *

[humming]

- OK, you're on your second gas station potato.

Now, tell me, did you give Rosie my letter?

- Mm, I did. - Oh.

- It went great.

She even asked me to meet you...

[blowing]

To give you this. - Oh!

[laughs] Amazing.

[chuckling]

Wait, this isn't a letter. It's a summons.

She's suing me?

- She is? I didn't know!

This doesn't feel right. Give me that back.

Are you Josue Consuelos?

- Yes. - You've been served.

- What?

- I wanted to do that ever since I saw it on "Suits."

* *

You're suing Josue?

You can't sue somebody for lying and cheating on you.

- This is America.

You can sue anyone for anything.

- Then in our case, I want it on record

that there's a statute of lactations.

- Josue knew that he was wasting my damn time.

Mariah Carey sued her ex for this, and she got millions.

A diva doesn't get angry. She gets even.

- Jennifer Lopez is a diva. She never sued anybody.

- I don't know her.

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

- Welcome to Club Moving Truck,

LA's hottest nightclub on wheels.

Name?

- Daddy.

- Not on the list.

- Your club is on my property.

- You don't gotta flex that hard, boss.

Come on in.

- * Rider knows every street, yeah *

[energetic music playing]

* Low rider *

- Everybody, make some noise!

[cheering]

- What's going on?

- Chance asked me to DJ for some of his friends.

- Mommy and I are going to drop our new single.

Isn't that fun?

- Hey, it's OK if you want to go get your earplugs.

I ain't no Mraz concert, baby.

- [laughs] Bring it on.

I am a fun dad, yo.

[voice cracking] Let's party!

- I mixed this next one with Glassell Park's newest DJ,

Sir Chance-a-Lot!

- My beats go crazy!

[cheering]

* *

- * It's a little loud *

- * That's when we get louder, louder, louder *

* Louder, louder, louder *

- * Can we turn it down a skosh? *

Is that my voice?

* My LARPing cloak *

* My LARPing cloak *

* My LARPing cloak *

Yeah.

* My LARPing cloak *

It's definitely my voice. [chuckles]

* *

* Wikki-wikki-wikki-wikki *

* Jason Mraz *

kids: Jason Mraz!

* *

- * It's a little loud *

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

- I'm Paula, your court-appointed mediator.

I can't be bought, bribed, or bullied,

but I won't say no to a positive review on Yelp.

- Rosie, I wish we were seeing each other

under different circumstances.

But I must say, you look great.

- Liar.

I look amazing.

I skipped breakfast because I am going to eat you for lunch.

- Oh.

- I thought that we would get Chipotle.

- George.

* *

- Had I not been with Josue,

here are some of the men I may have married--

Exhibit A, Tom Brady.

Exhibit B, Lenny Kravitz.

Exhibit C--

- I'm gonna have to stop you there, Ms. Flores.

These are all hypothetical.

- Then why don't we hear from my witness?

George Lopez, can you confirm

that this piece of caca

intentionally wasted my time?

- I'm sorry, Josue. Rosie trusted you.

He knew that he couldn't be faithful.

Before SLAA,

Josue was a sexy, sensuous, slimy serpent.

I rest my face.

- Uh... [clears throat]

I would like to ask the witness some questions, please.

- What? No, I--I already went.

I think we can all agree I'm better in smaller doses.

- George, why did your relationship with Rosie end?

- Uh, I cheated, I gambled, I gaslit.

Veni, vidi, vici.

- So I am not the first toxic man who's broken Rosie's heart?

- Oh, no. No, not at all.

[chuckles]

- So you're saying there's a pattern here.

And--and all of this is Rosie's fault?

- What? No.

- How dare you?

This is not my fault. You can't blame me.

- But this isn't Rosie's fault!

She just knowingly picks bad guys

who all end up screwing her over.

- Exactly my point.

Thank you for being my star witness, George.

I rest my case.

- George, how could you?

- No, I--

I was framed like that painting!

That is a delightful piece.

Who--who's the artiste?

- Oh.

It's me. - Oh. [laughs]

- Sometimes the girls down the hall and I

go to a Paint and Sip Night.

- That's very interesting. Please tell me more, Paula.

- Wow, George.

I thought you were my friend.

But obviously, you're just here for Josue, not me.

I need a moment.

- If you're interested, that painting is for sale.

- Nobody cares about your painting, Paula!

* *

[upbeat saxophone music]

- That was such a crazy night.

We partied till the sun came up!

- Whoo-hoo! [laughs]

- It never went down. It's 5:00 PM.

- That Molly messed my head up.

- Oh. [chuckles]

Molly Fitzpatrick. He has a crush on her.

Why'd you leave early?

- It's hard dancing to a song that's making fun of me.

- Even if it's to a dope beat?

Ha-ha. Wikki-wikki-wikki.

- Don't doughboy me right now.

- I'm sorry I hurt you.

I guess I just got caught up in sharing something

that I enjoy with Chance, and that never happens.

- What are you talking about?

You guys have fun together all the time.

- No, you guys always have fun together.

You build LEGOs and play video games

and race remote control cars.

- You can do that stuff, too.

- I don't want to.

This was the first time that Chance and I

liked the same thing, and it felt really good.

- I'm glad you guys connected.

I guess I was just worried that Chance was over

hanging out with me.

- Are you kidding?

The reason we used your voice is because Chance insisted.

He talks about his dad more than I talk

to my therapist about mine.

He's obsessed with you.

- Really?

- Just a skosh.

- OK.

You can doughboy me now. - Yay!

Wikki-wikki-wikki.

- Oh, hoo hoo!

[laughter] Come here.

* *

- What was that? I came here to support Rosie,

and you tricked me into making her look bad.

- Well, I'm sorry, George.

She's suing me, and I'm a very good lawyer.

What am I supposed to do?

- Make amends.

Recovery is about taking responsibility.

It's not about blaming others.

- [scoffing] That's so stupid.

Oh, not you.

I'm watching TikToks with no sound.

- I tried to apologize to Rosie.

I wrote her that letter, but it didn't work.

- She never read it.

- What?

- You wanna be a good lawyer, or do you wanna be a good man?

- I'm ready to continue.

I had to go in my car and listen to Mariah sing "Hero."

Well, let's go. [clears throat]

- I would like to say something.

"Dear Rosie, I've been an addict for a long time.

"I let it ruin countless relationships,

"but never thought I needed help, until I lost you.

"That's when I realized I let my addiction

"take away the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

"Though I do not deserve your forgiveness,

"you still deserve my apology.

I'm sorry."

- That is one emotionally mature sex addict.

- Paula, I will give Rosie

whatever money she's asking for.

- I guess our relationship wasn't a waste of time

because it got you into recovery.

Josue, I don't want your money.

- But we will take your car.

- As much as I really wanted to hurt you,

it's not going to help my healing.

So I choose to move on,

like the beautiful butterfly that I am.

- Thank you, Rosie.

- Well, now I feel like I should sue all of you

for wasting my damn time.

- Sorry for what I said about you, Rosie.

- You should be. It was rude.

But the worst part is that it was true.

When it comes to relationships, I can be un poquito toxica.

- Well, you know, sometimes holding a mirror up to yourself

can make you feel ugly.

But know that you'll always be beautiful to me.

- Liar.

I look hot. [chuckles]

Come on. I'll get you Chipotle.

- All right.

Before we go, I just gotta do one thing.

Go, go, go, go! Go!

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