Original subtitles

In the latter days of the 20th century,

there arose a difference of opinion.

The leading experts at the time believed a nuclear war

would only involve the exchange of a few bombs

and then the suitably horrified combatants

would sit down at the peace table.

They were wrong.

In just 10 days, 10,000 years of human progress

was virtually blown to dust.

10 years later, they tried again.

Hey, Squidlips.

What you got there?

You're not only ugly, Squidlips.

You are stupid.

This is good for nothing.

Hey...

You know the law.

Greeners can't have guns.

Friend.

You got that wrong, friend.

Anybody who says any different is a liar.

Liar?

You lie all over my daughter.

I think we'll start here.

Captain Devlin.

How the hell did you get in here?

With this and this.

And what the hell does Med Tech want here?

Him.

This prisoner is accused of sexual assault.

Aw, your daughter has changed her story.

Once she found out she was pregnant,

she must've had a change of heart.

Pregnant?

Oh that's impossible.

That's what we thought too until we ran some tests.

This man is carrying a loaded weapon and Med Tech,

on a provisional government authority,

now claims it.

No, this man is a scavenger.

And a thief.

And he preys on young women.

We know his record and yours.

That's why you're being reassigned to the border.

There's a truck waiting outside.

You're still here?

Some people think women are running too many things.

And you...

If you ever get out from under the skirts of the Med Techs,

I'll be there.

Doctor Ingram to hematology, stat.

Doctor Ingram to hematology, stat.

Nurse McHenry.

Nurse McHenry report to sperm bank with specimen already.

Code blue.

Code blue maternity.

Repeat code blue maternity.

Is this accurate?

Paging Doctor Howard.

Mister Hellman, I can understand

why you're so popular with the ladies.

You've left a string of pregnancies everywhere you've been.

Is that a fact?

You have the highest spermatozoon count

we've ever tested.

Must've been all that fiber I ate when I was a kid.

I'm authorized to offer you a clean slate.

All charges dropped.

Now, Med Tech's main assignment is to locate

and impregnate fertile women in the wastelands.

Now, we need potent young men in the fields

to assist in this great work.

Men who can take care of themselves.

Who know the territory.

Who can perform under difficult conditions.

Do you feel up to it?

Are you serious?

Well maybe you'd rather we sent you back to Devlin.

On the other hand, I've always been a patriot.

Orderly to central supply.

Sign this.

Doctor Denton telephone nurses station.

Doctor Denton please telephone nurses station.

Through the emergency room, ambulance entrance three.

Tech, report to ambulance three.

The war reduced our male population by 68%.

It made most of the human race sterile,

but we're still at war.

A population war.

Each side is desperate to rebuild and rearm.

Now that requires manpower.

Manpower requires people.

And that's where you come in.

Yeah.

It's stuck.

It's an electronic lock.

Only we have the code.

The ECR stays on at all times.

Right.

Now, come on and help me get this off.

It's in here.

You signed.

It stays on.

Well, how... how am I... how am I supposed to... you know?

There's a flap.

It monitors your physio-sexual condition.

It's for your own protection.

After all, it's government equipment now.

This is a prerecorded briefing made prior

to your selection for this mission

in which, for security reasons of the highest importance,

has been known only to the Prime Counsel

of the Provisional Government.

18 months ago a tribe of mutant Greeners

ambushed the Seventh Mobile Brigade of the border control.

210 women and men were brutally massacred.

We have reason to believe that several civilians

traveled with the brigade have been taken hostage.

The rebel Greeners possessed firearms

in strict contradiction to the Mutant Isolation Act.

Except from our lead that the firearms

were obtained somewhere near Frogtown.

How and from who the weapons were obtained

is still a total mystery.

Ow.

Over here.

This is Centinella.

Watch him for me, Corporal.

Will the driver of the APC

please clear the runway, immediately?

I'm not going in that.

You don't ride, we'll drag you on a chain.

Get in, stud.

Your equipment.

Take good care of him.

There aren't many like him left.

I'll do my duty.

I know you will.

What's the matter, soldier?

You don't look happy.

Suit yourself.

Whatever you are, damn lucky to have you.

Med Tech needs every hand it can get.

Still at war, you know.

Yeah?

Which way to the front?

Don't you take anything seriously?

Used to take everything seriously.

Then they blew it up.

I can end it all here, right now...

Throw your bodies across the line...

Say the Greeners got you.

Or not.

They'll gun you down.

Let's see who drops first, me or you.

Hey, hey, hey...

Whoa, whoa!

Let's just all...

Shut up.

One way or another we're going through.

Let them pass.

Hey lady, you just about got my ass shot off back there!

Now we're going into hostile mutant territory

at full throttle!

Dam! I hope you know what you're doing!

I hate to think you're just lost!

We're going to Frogtown.

Their leader, Commander Toty, has kidnapped some pilgrims

who wandered into their territory.

And what's that to Med Tech?

They are fertile women.

Why would mutants want to kidnap human females?

Ransom.

Toty knows how valuable fertiles are to Med Tech.

Or maybe he wants 'em for his harem...

Aw, that's disgusting!

Yeah and we're gonna do something about it.

We're gonna get them out

and then you're gonna get 'em pregnant.

Are you sure you really wanna

get yourself on the reservation?

Don't rust your diapers, stud.

That's the whole point of this joy ride.

Well, now that you've mentioned it,

mind if I take a little stroll?

Why?

I gotta water the roses, huh?

No armed escort?

You're not going far.

No, just right there behind that bush.

Be right back.

See you later, sisters.

Much later!

If anyone but me tries to unlock the ECR,

a one ounce charge of plastic explosive will detonate.

Beyond a certain point, the proximity sensor in my earring

activates the ECR electronic stinger.

As you can see, it can be quite painful,

but not terribly damaging.

And if you get lost, my directional finder

will lead me right to you.

For the rest of this mission, you and I are like one unit.

Remember that, soldier.

Hey you know, you look terrific in this light.

See you in the morning.

I just thought a man of your reputation

might still be hungry.

I'm full.

Are you sure?

Or maybe not.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

I was just...

Did someone teach you or are you just a tease by nature?

I was just following orders.

Orders?

Regulation 12.

Keep the subject in an excited state.

It promotes potency.

Potency?

I'm just doing my job!

Good! Well when we get back, I'll have 'em give you a raise!

I hate the Army...

Shh.

We can't make any noise.

This is against regulations.

Huh?

I'm not fertile.

They don't want you wasting yourself.

Well then, why?

I heard stories about you.

I wanted to see if they were true.

Oh, pe... people talk too much.

Oh.

Can't blame 'em.

With male rationing in the last few years,

women get lonely.

How do I?

There's a flap.

Oh.

Centinella, I don't know if I can

live up to your expectations.

I'd say you're already up to 'em.

Holy shit!

You're out of uniform, Corporal.

You know, you two ladies

must have moons for balls.

Nobody goes on the reservation, not even the border patrol.

How the hell are we supposed to get 'em out?

With a plan.

That's no plan.

That's a plot. To murder me.

I'm having no part of it.

You signed a contract.

Yeah, to fuck for freedom,

but I ain't meeting my maker in Frogtown.

That's not in my contract.

Page twelve, subparagraph eight.

If we can't get the girls out,

your field potency will then be utilized.

Okay. Okay.

But what if I get them pregnant

and we're still in Frogtown?

What happens to me?

Fulfill all the terms of your contract,

and you won't ever have to find out.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah?

Yeah!

What?!

Let's renegotiate, huh?

Aw...

Wha-ahhh!

What?!

Not you. Motion tracker.

We got a live one.

Let's check it out.

Get in.

Get in?

Veer left.

More left.

Go right.

It's moving.

It's still moving.

More left, more left.

Right.

There it is!

According to the test I just ran on her,

she's fertile.

What a find, out here.

Where are you from?

Identify yourself.

You're scaring her!

Okay Prince Charming, you try.

Okay...

Don't be afraid...

Come on...

It's good for you...

That's a girl...

There you go...

Good for you...

She don't like your cooking, either.

Easy, Spangle.

What are you doin'?

She's no good to us traumatized.

Go get ready for work.

You can start, now.

What are you talking about?

The girl.

I've injected her with Ovaldol, to facilitate procreation.

That's why you're here, remember?

Just like that?

Yeah, she's ovulating and you've got a high count.

Let's go.

Oh, come on...

I can't work like this.

Come on, Hellman.

It's late and I'm tired.

She's never ever brushed her teeth!

What is the matter?

Well, she's not my type, huh?

Your type?

Yeah.

You have preferences?

Well yeah, you know...

If I kinda know her, and there's a chemistry there...

You know, a little atmosphere would be nice.

Oh, next you're gonna be telling me you have to be in love, first?

Well, maybe you oughta try making love

to a complete stranger, in the middle of a hostile mutant territory...

See how you like it!

You need inspiration.

What are you doing?

Relax.

I've been trained in seduction techniques.

Right...

I'm not a machine you can just turn on and off

whenever you want to, you know.

Oh, come on...

I guess I'm gonna have to live up to my contract.

Spangle, put your blouse on.

Come on, put your blouse on.

Take your glasses off.

You clean her up?

Not me.

I'm grabbing some down time.

Okay.

Frogtown is back that way.

How far?

I ran all day and all night.

Where are the other girls?

They're in Commander Toty's palace.

Why didn't they escape with you?

They're from an order of passives.

Resistance is not their way.

They believe only the truly meek will inherit the earth.

Right...

All right.

Go south for a few days...

The border patrol will pick up your signal

and EVAC you to a Med Tech hospital.

No, no, no, no.

Don't worry...

Mothers are national heroes.

You'll be treated like a queen.

Thank you.

Hold these.

Put those on me.

Now, I'm your prisoner.

Oh, I think I'm gonna like that...

Aw, what's wrong, baby?

Don't like being treated like a puppet on a string?

Now you know how I feel!

Good cover?

The best.

Watch for my signal.

Tie this around my waist.

Don't try to take my earrings.

They lose contact with my body, your equipment blows.

If you get too far away— your equipment blows.

And if you don't do exactly what I say,

your equipment blows.

Understood?

Did anybody ever tell you have a wonderful personality?

Move out.

I didn't think so.

Would you stop with the chain?

We have to trust each other, now...

Our lives depend on it.

What?

You look good.

Shall we?

Might as well, as long as we're here.

Come on.

There goes the neighborhood...

Bartender, gimme a drink...

What about me?

You're my prisoner.

Remember?

That good?

Taste like industrial waste...

You never could hold your liquor...

Looney! You're alive!

They told me that you were pancaked,

in a mineshaft in Needletown, after the war...

Oh, you know I got nine lives...

Howdy, I'm Lonnie O'Toole.

Discoverer of the Wachachooga Motherload.

They call me Looney Tunes because I'm so crazy.

I'm saner than anybody you know.

Well, I see you're taste has improved.

Well, you know...

What's a worthless pup like you doin' in Frogtown?

Doing a little tradin'...

What about you?

Oh, I go where the uranium is.

Found a big pocket, here, right under their noses!

Looney, if there was any uranium here,

they would've mined it out before the war.

Listen pinhead, I'm being foursquare with you.

Now, if you don't believe me,

you just take a walk over to tunnel 43,

and watch them Greeners digging it out, now!

Fine, fine...

What— what the hell them mutants gonna do with all that uranium?

Sell it, I guess. For whatever they can get.

I get 20%.

Listen, uh... You wanna barter, huh?

Yeah.

Well, you came to the right place.

But, you gotta talk to Leroy, first.

He runs the joint.

Tell you what I'll do...

I'll fix it up for ya.

- Be right back. - All right.

That old man must've been 80 years old when I was born...

I was down for the count...

He was the only man that took the time to bother with me.

Come on.

Look out, flat lips.

Yeah, watch where you're going, will ya?

I love you.

You wanna talk about it?

She's our contact.

A handmaiden to the harem at Toty's palace.

"I love you" is the code phrase.

It means everything is going to plan.

- Oh. - So far.

What do you mean "so far"...?

Hey kid, you don't keep a man like Leroy waiting.

Come on.

What is this?

Glush!

Boiled baby tortoise... and brown lizard.

Now, they grind them up together, and they make a paste out of it...

Sorry I asked.

A noble gesture, Mister Hell.

You see it so rarely, these days.

May I suggest... a chaser?

Please...

Beer!

Real beer!

Where'd you get this—

Shh...

Some miners found a case, in an abandoned mine.

It's only slightly... radioactive.

Now then...

I congratulate you on your... fine piece.

We've not seen the likes

since Bull brought in those wenches.

Wenches?

Wenches...

Like her?

Yes...

They were most... delicate.

Commander Toty was so impressed,

he promoted Bull to his First Lieutenant.

Bull?

Yeah, that's uh... Commander Toty's... butler!

Oh, he hates me...

Well, he hates all human beings...

There is a lot of bad feeling towards humanity, here...

It wasn't bad enough that we... unfortunate creatures

were created as a byproduct of human warfare,

but then, your kind— your kind herded us on

to these reservations, as if we were cattle!

Hey, I had no part in that...

I hate the government.

All government.

So, I am prepared to offer...

30 lilies, for this... fine specimen.

No offense, mister...

I'm looking at a lot of expense, here.

Well, I understand but... you can see how bad business is.

Would 50 be more to your liking?

You've... struck a spark, huh?

Now, let's see if we can light a fire!

Take another look at the lady!

Good bones!

Firm figure!

Excellent teeth.

She could supply you with... endless nights of pleasure.

You misunderstand me, sir.

I do not seek a sex slave.

I want something to... bolster sagging attendance.

Something with real... Showmanship!

Can she dance?

"Can she dance..."?!

Of course, she can dance...

She's especially good at erotic dancing.

Ha-ha-ha! Excellent!

Excellent!

I have an idea...

Hey, hey! Wait— Wait a minute!

- Uh-oh! - Whoa!

She's pretty hot, though...

It's Bull.

Who brought this here?

I did.

What's it to you?

Where you from, stranger?

Nowhere nice.

Got a name?

Hell.

Sam Hell.

Never heard of you.

She yours?

Bartered to Leroy.

Private barter?

Well, yes, Bull—

Shut your hole!

No private barters allowed in Frogtown!

Toty's Law!

Leroy knows that.

Looks like your deal just got canceled...

How 'bout it, boys?

Auction?

I start the bidding at 5 lilies!

Well?!

The bid stands at five!

High bid, five.

It ain't good enough!

Not again...

I said it was "high bid five," flat lips!

Leroy, you're shut down, 'til Toty says otherwise!

Everybody, back to work!

Sam!

I love you.

Oh, the code...

Right...

Where is everyone?

Back at the mines.

Bull has closed the saloon. Again.

You're very fortunate...

How do ya figure that?

You're alive, aren't you?

What's goin' on?

I'm Arabella.

I'm sworn to fight Commander Toty to the death.

They've taken your partner to the palace.

To the harem?

Well then, we're right on-schedule.

You slip me in, I bust 'em out...

Signal Centinella, and we're outta here, right?

In theory.

Aw, you're makin' me nervous...

By the way, uh...

I don't know how to thank you, for helpin' us.

I do...

Oh, wait a second, lady...

I don't even know you...

But, I know you!

Even here, your name is legend!

Oh, yeah... "Sam Hell,"

"Hellbent Wanderer of the Wasteland"...

"The Fearless War Hero"...

Is that so bad?

It's real tirin', uh...

I don't— I don't wanna talk about it...

I understand.

You do?

You can rest right here...

I'll be different.

Around here, men throw themselves at me.

I can have my pick.

Yuck! They're all idiots...

You... are a real man!

Oh! What are ya doin'?!

Just promise me you won't be gentle!

Ah!

That... I can promise!

Oh, Sam!

I knew it would be great!

Wait a minute.

Just one minute.

Do me a favor.

Anything, Sam!

Put this on!

So you're just a slave, huh?

Take her to Toty!

Come on, you wench.

Come with me...

I want you to identify someone.

Is... this how you'd like it, Sam?

It's perfect...

Just a little kink of mine...

What is that?!

It's the ECR.

If Spangle gets out of range, it's gonna explode.

I know a shortcut to tunnel 43, oh—

Ah!

Go on without me...

Where?

Count Sodom.

The bargain is sealed.

What's this?

Oh, just someone we're having for dinner, tonight.

Sorry, I can't join you.

The first shipment...

There shall be another within one week.

Oh!

Sam!

- He's out? - Yeah, he's out, like a light.

Sam!

Seize him!

Take him away!

Prepare her!

Sam.

Sam.

Easy, baby girl...

I'm on your side.

What can we do to help them?

Now?

Not a thing.

I'm Spangle... of Med Tech...

I've come to rescue you.

How?

With a plan.

I see.

What are you doing?

As our captors commanded...

Awakening your body.

Where's Spangle?

In the harem...

Being prepared for a night she'll never forget!

I'll see if I can do the same, for you!

Hey, you don't need that...

I'm ready to talk.

The Commander is very curious about Med Tech inventions...

So I'm going to do a little... exploratory surgery!

I feel so...

"Alive"?

Yes.

Without great passion, you cannot face the Dance

of the Three Snakes.

Two of our companions went to their fate

cold with fear, and did not survive.

Something seems to have stirred your senses.

Or someone...

Don't do it!

It's wired to blow!

Med Tech wouldn't be stupid enough to wire a potent male!

Huh?

Now, what?

Whadduya think?

To get more gas.

This is nice...

We don't have time... for this...

Cut it off!

Cut it off!

It's killing me!

I gotta tell you...

You are one weird dude.

Stay here, old man.

Wait a minute...

He's my friend, not yours.

I'll go.

No, you're too slow for the action.

Too?

Hell, you're not even human!

Why should you risk your neck?

To overthrow Toty.

Besides, Sam's my friend, too.

Well, if you free Sam, somebody else is gonna have

to fire the signal flare.

Now, I've been firin' flares ever since

before they... disbanded the Dodgers.

You're right.

Give me five minutes.

For luck.

Cursed... sentimental reptile.

"Wired to blow"...?

It's a fake!

She tricked me!

Remember this passion.

Keep the fires high, and you may survive

the dance of the three snakes.

What are these three snakes?

You. Come on.

Listen, let's all go!

Just walk right outta here!

We bend with the wind or break!

Sometimes, you make your own wind!

I can get you out.

Maybe you're right.

You get your hands off me!

Stop it!

Then again...

Are you okay?

Yeah...

All there.

I owe ya one.

Not now...

You toady bastard!

Dance... for... me...!

The only dance I'm gonna do is the dance on your grave!

Dance... or die!

Modern or ballet?

The Dance... of the Three Snakes!

"Dance of The Three Snakes"...?

Okay.

Remember this passion

and you may survive the Dance of the Three Snakes.

Wow...

What are you doin', here?

Oh...

Well, let me explain!

Ahh!

All right...

You have aroused... the Three Snakes!

Come... to... me...!

I ain't going near any of those things!

No!

Wait, uh—

I just thought of some new steps...

Eat lead, froggies!

You okay?

Yeah, help me up.

Let's boogie.

- They've arrived. - Yeah.

- Oh, they're beautiful. - Beautiful.

I've been waiting for this...

Someone's dealing guns to the Greeners.

Somebody named Count Sodom.

It was your wife's, wasn't it?

My daughter's.

It's all I could find.

The war was a long time ago...

Not for me.

Shall we?

Might as well, while we're here.

The Three... Snakes...

Sure you need me?

They will.

It's a miracle!

Right...

Let's go.

Here, come on over.

What is it, now?

What do you want?

You boys are gonna eat dirt or lead.

Wise choice.

Centinella.

This way.

Fun's over.

Not yet, warty.

Go on, I'll cover!

Go!

Go, go!

Come on, come on!

Let's go, let's go!

Fast, fast, fast!

Come on, people. I'm double-parked, here.

Easy, son, easy...

You're always in such a... god dern hurry.

Go!

Go, go, go, go!

You're letting them get away.

I want you to do something about it, now!

Forward!

You're really something...

I told you my plan would work.

Yeah, you did.

Don't take it so hard, son.

I've lived my... nine lives...

Oh I...

I sure hope that...

That heaven's this... good...

Something's coming up fast, behind us. And it's bad.

Wha— ?!

Turn the wheel!

Hit it.

Fire!

I'm okay!

I'm all right...

I can lose 'em in the rocks.

We're gonna make it.

Going my way?

Everybody out.

Now.

Find them!

I told you it was not finished, Sam Hellman...

You... ba—

You see, this used to be a man's world, Sam...

But now, there are too many women,

that have us by the short hairs!

But, I'm going to change that!

I deal arms to the Greeners for their uranium...

and then I give it to renegade scientists, for processing...

Get away.

Get away from him.

Soon, I shall have the only nuclear weapon, since the war.

And then I'll wipe the slate clean.

- Crosse, sword... - Then, I'll get rid of the weak ones.

And the criminals.

Hand it to me.

I'm a passive...

And then, rid this world of those meddling Med Tech bitches...

We're are all gonna die...

Starting with her.

Long-winded son of a bitch.

Welcome to the club.

Damn!

Hey...

Where you going?

To finish it.

Stay with the girls.

Sam!

Sam!

We'll be waiting for you.

Spangle...

We got 'em.

Drop your weapons!

Drop 'em!

If you wanna live...

Run!

Not you, Toty.

We're goin' down, together.

No!

Sam!

Sam!

Sam...

We thought you were dead...

Where were you?!

When we saw that thing, we took cover.

I told you the plan would work.

Plan?!

That was a plot to murder me...

I oughta kick your butt!

Oh, just try it, buster!

Stop...

Why?

You gotta save yourself for fertiles.

I have enough.

Oh no, you don't.

I ain't on your leash, no more.

Then why didn't you run off?

I knew you'd miss me.

Hey, how's your shoulder?

I've had worse.

Here...

What's this for?

Something to hang on to... when you're alone...

Med Tech owes you a lot.

Maybe after you complete your duties,

I can get us a couple of weeks leave.

That sounds great.

What do you mean when I'm finished my duties?

Huh...

I guess what they say is true...

What's that?

"A soldier's work... is never done."