Original subtitles

Now you got

to understand Billy boy better play nice with the merchandise.

You tell him I'm going to weigh it on my own fucking scale.

You short me again, I'm going to break his other arm.

Sure, Howard, yeah, I'll tell him.

And you fuck up Weasel, I'm going to break your arm, too.

Howie, I know.

All right.

Now go on and get out of here.

Get.

Oh, Susie sometimes I feel

like a big old turd in a small toilet.

Never makes you happy, honey.

And you, go easy on that ice cream, huh.

You're starting to get all poochy around the middle.

Geez Louise Howard, it's fucking ass milk.

Yeah, well it come out of a cow and it make you fat.

Give a shit what you call it.

Hey, here comes the Stackpools.

Rosaries.

Hello Rey, Rey.

Fill that out for the Stackpools, will you.

How are you doing, Ernestina?

You all go with Rey, he'll take care of you.

See you around, Ernestina.

That is without question the most fuckable young lady I ever

seen outside a magazine.

Hell, don't bother me, she's a retard.

Well, the way I hear it, the only way

to get Ernestina is go to her brother Otis.

You don't think I'd take on the big dummy?

Oh, hell no.

I just want to be around when you do it.

Yeah, I will.

Already got me a sweet little chicken

and you know how I feel about-- what's that word?

Fucking?

No, watch your mouth, the other one

where you don't be sleeping around?

Fidelity?

Yeah, that's it.

Like on the high fi's--

high fidelity, yeah, that's what I go for.

What a man with a brain, pardon moi Howard but I'm going

to go to the ladies room.

And why don't you just talk up, let everybody know about it.

You see what I got to put up with.

Susie, watch the register.

I got to get some fries from the basement.

But we got plenty--

Susie, don't mind the inventory,

just watch the register.

Dammit, we ain't got no time for foreplay.

Smart woman.

See you soon,

Ernestina, one day, cupcake.

Say it, baby, say it.

Call me Scarlet.

Say it Scarlet.

You're 10 times the man Howard is.

And?

Howard's got a little dick, you're the real man.

He can't satisfy me.

And?

Oh, Howard's a pussy.

Yeah. Then why the hell did you married him, Lorretta?

Scarlet.

Scarlet, why did you do it, huh?

He's a wasn't he?

All right, well, now I'm baby.

Ride your little baby lance.

Whoa!

I've never known a woman who takes

so damn much time in the toilet.

I swear that woman's got a bladder the size of acorn.

Oh, Lorretta, come on.

Hey, Lorretta, you down there?

Shit, Howard's coming.

Oh, so am I.

Lorretta, you in there?

Lorretta, you down here or what?

Hey, Lorretta you down here?

Yeah, Howard

she's in the employee bathroom right in there.

Lorretta, are you in there?

What do you want?

What do you doing in there?

Toilet in the ladies room is busted,

what do you think I'm doing?

Well, whatever you're doing, hurry it up, we got to go.

Okay, I'm out, you're happy now?

Yeah, just fucking overjoyed.

Come on.

Lance, Lance, Howard has to see you.

Howard.

Has to see you.

Well, what exactly did he say?

He said, "Go get Lance, bring him over here

and move your poochy buns."

Did he seem upset?

I can't say that he did but then he never does.

Oh, shoot.

Lance, it ain't that part at the back of the restaurant,

not much of a headstart if you get my drift.

Okay, Lorretta, okay.

We'll just play it cool.

Cool, right, cucumber.

Compress the bolt string while holding the front

and flush.

Fuck off, friggin' bolt strings.

Well, Lance in the pants, Lance, and look at this thing.

Try to save some money, it's a fucking waste

of man's time buying the thing in pieces.

You have to assemble it yourself, save a couple.

Shit. Well, sit your ass down.

Right, sure, Howard.

Lance, you know what I've been thinking.

Well, I know Howard.

I--

Lorretta, what you doing standing there?

You serving tables around here?

No, I just wanted to--

Wanted to do the park your mushy old butt down there next

to Lancy so you got no cooties, have you Lance?

No, not that I think.

Lance, I'm going to make this short and sweet.

Kind of like Lorretta here except she ain't

so sure, really.

Okay, now Howard, I don't know what you've been hearing.

Hearing?

About what?

Nothing.

You don't know what I've been hearing about nothing?

What the hell are you talking about?

Not-- I mean, shit, Howard.

You know, I don't have a clue on what the hell I'm talking about.

And you know what I think, you need to take it easy.

You're looking poorly, ain't that right, Lorretta?

Yeah, looks like he's got the flu.

Flu? What the fucking flu got to do with it, huh?

You need to get yourself out of here.

Go get yourself laid once in a blue moon.

Hell, you got no natural charm but--

shit, even a little shrimp with that ratty,

old beard like yours can at least pay for it once in awhile.

And that's where I come in.

I'm sorry, what?

That's what I want to talk to you about.

And how much you make in this place?

Say in a week or something?

Well, I don't know, it kind of depends.

I figure about--

A grand a week?

Huh, no, I don't have that much.

I bet you want to know why.

Why?

Because you spread yourself too thin.

That's why you're all pale and kind of sickly-ugly-looking.

But here I am, I'm going to save your skinny ass.

Oh, gee, Howard, actually--

Oh Lancy pantsy, what you need is partner, you know.

Someone to kind of ease a strain and I look

into diversify, you know what I mean?

It means--

It means that I share the burden,

I'll be your partner, shared share alike.

You know, I guess you still have to be doing most

of the day to day stuff.

Partners.

Well sure, I mean I've been partner

up with businesses all over town.

I did jewelry down to hardware store,

Ben Buffle's Wash-O-Rama.

I'm becoming a regular-- what's that word?

Shake-down artist?

Oh, Lorretta, if I didn't love that big old behind

of yours so much, I'd pack you on your worst fucking nightmare.

Entrepreneur is the fucking word, entrepreneur.

So now I'm going to come here and bring my talents

to bear right here chopping stuff

and how is that for good news?

Actually, Howard--

No, no, no need to thank me, it's my pleasure,

and don't worry about no paper work either.

Whenever you get it done, we just back date it

to right now.

Hallelujah.

I see, just little-- what that word?

Brains?

No, persistence-- I tell you something Lorretta,

you going to need serious attitude adjustment.

Sometime I envy the single white boy.

On the house, partner.

What you waiting on?

Fucking invitation from the Queen of England?

More like the Duke of the Dumb.

Come on chubby cheeks.

What are you looking at?

A grave waiting to be filled.

No, I don't know what you're talking about.

I'm talking about somebody plowing some Oates,

Lorretta Oates to be precise.

Susie, I'm a big boy.

Oh, you're a big boy, Lance.

Only Howard Oates is even a bigger boy.

He finds out about you and Lorretta,

he is going to put a loop up around your neck and drag you up

and down Main Street on his Harley.

Now if you want to keep your head on your shoulders,

you had better start using it.

I can't do that, I can't let her go.

It's a grand passion, that's what it is.

Being with her, shoot, is like fucking a firecracker.

Howard's beating up some guys.

He should be gone till around midnight.

Yeah. Keep dancing Scarlet, keep dancing.

Oh, it's a problem all right, it's a problem.

See what the problem is, just hang around up back

to trailer park, wait 'till he walks by,.

Well, it ain't the doing it that's hard,

it's getting away with it.

Now, no matter how you cut it or slice it, Howard turns

up with a bullet, somebody's going

to be looking in our direction.

Lance, you're too smart as all.

God make things complicated, everybody hates him

and everybody give a charity if he turned

up dead, so just do it.

You know, if you don't, one day he's going to do it to the both

of us and that's a God fearing fact.

Yeah, I know, I know its-- holy shit.

What the hell?

You must took a wrong turn.

Honey, there ain't no turns off this highway.

Would you look at this?

Some sort of fence or something.

Somebody dragged this across the road, that's what it is.

It's goddamn stupid of them.

Oh, this is some kind of weird bullshit.

That's the road to Stackpool place,

I'm going to go check it out.

You wait in the car?

Lance, you be careful now.

Careful is my credo, wait in the car.

Loretta, we got to go.

Go and leave that there like that, honey?

Somebody making an accident.

I think somebody already has candy lips.

What was it, Lance?

What did you see back there?

I saw the light, honey, I saw the light.

What the heck?

Don't worry, young man.

What?

I've done this before.

What?

Many times, Otis.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, no.

Snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow, snow--

Where in the same hill have you been?

I ain't seen you since the day before yesterday.

Not to worry, Susie, my dear.

Oh, we're in my back side me

and Rey had been running this place alone.

Shoot Lance, I thought somebody was sprinkling lime

on what was left of you.

Well, I just had a little business to attend to out

of town, a very important business.

It's going to make all the difference.

Every thing is going to be peaches

and cream from here on out.

Perfect timing, see, that's exactly what I was looking for.

Lance, don't you mess with them Stackpools.

Mess with them?

I ain't go mess with them, honey.

It's business.

Well, hey there Wheeler, Otis, and Ernestina.

Look, I was wondering if I could--

I was wondering if I could talk to you for just a second,

so hold on right there.

All right, that's fine, you want to act like a bunch of retards,

go ahead but I know what you're up to, did you hear me?

I know about that you guys set

up across the road and, oh, Otis, man, I know what you did

to that truck hunk of love.

Unless you want me to go to the law, well, I suggest you talk

to me 'cause, well, you go and talk to me sooner or later.

All right, you want to play rough the way you do

with hunk of love.

Well, I wouldn't do that if I were you unless you want to go

to jail, you move it, get up.

All right now, what are you going to have

to talk to me sooner or later, book on that, freaks.

Oh, shit, watch the PJs, big gorilla.

You come now.

All right, that's what I had in mind,

just let me get some shoes.

All right, all right.

If you fight, Otis hits you, you yell, Otis hits you.

I think I got the game plan here, Otis.

All right, all right.

Well, we're all here, nice and cozy.

Holy shit, them some big eyes, brother.

You've met my brothers and my sister,

Mr. Bogen I don't believe we've ever met.

Well, I kind of figured it out and remembered if we had.

No doubt.

My name is Myron Stackpool.

I'm the part of the expression, the head of the family.

As you have perhaps noted,

we Stackpools all have our peculiarities.

We're quadruplets, you know, all born from the same egg.

Theoretically, we should be identical but well,

strange things do happen.

No, shit.

Do you know what you're looking at Mr. Bogen?

Escapees from a freak show?

You're looking at a unique biological phenomenon,

forged and medically linked beings each endowed with a share

of normal abilities and, hence,

to almost supernatural proportions.

Otis, many times stronger than any normal man,

Wheeler with eye sharper than an eagle's, ears like a fox,

nose like a hound dog.

Ernestina, well, I hardly need tell you

about her special powers, as for me, well--

Yes, so you're the smart one.

Yes, I should say so.

I'm the brains of the family, we're linked,

you know, telepathically.

I can't leave this chair but I could see through Wheeler's eyes

and force my will with Otis's hands and well,

I need not tell you about my uses for Ernestina.

One brain controlling four bodies.

Well, then Myron, I guess you are the one I need

to be talking to.

By all means, talk.

Now, let's just say for conversation

that somebody happened to see a strange old road block a couple

of nights ago and this fellow here happened

to see Otis here dragging some poor fellow

out of his pick-up truck bringing him

into this house while Ernestina there she drove

that truck around back.

You still got some pretty deep swamp land back there,

don't you?

Indeed we do.

Nice place to hide a vehicle, or vehicles.

Now, for conversation, let's just say

that this fellow happened to see the license plate of that truck,

a license plate that read, hunk of love?

Such a fellow might be inclined to go to the police.

He might, he may and then again, he may not.

You see this fellow, he's got himself a whole world

of problems, one major problem, one big dumb biker

of a problem named Howard Oates, you know him?

He's the boy that drives the Harley.

Yeah, that's the one.

Man, far as I'm concerned, he can drive

that Harley right off the edge

of the earth wouldn't trouble me none.

Well, why should we help this fellow

when after all we have him?

No, Myron, its awful silly for a big old brain like you

to play stupid, it's not too convincing.

Now, suppose this fellow, now-- well, he ain't as smart as some

but he is smart enough to say, write down everything he saw

that night and put it in a letter

and then he drive somewhere and he finds himself a phonebook

and he gets himself a lawyer, random like.

And he gives that letter to the lawyer and he says, "Now,

I'm going to call you ever so often on a schedule act

and I'm going to stop by all by myself and if and I don't call

or if I don't stop by or well, if I turn up dead or missing,

well, you just shoot that letter on over

to the state's attorney's office,

let him get to work on it.

Would you like to know what happened to that gentleman

with the amusing license plate?

No.

There's an intercom over there.

Go on over and press the third button, it will connect you

to our surgical annex.

Over here?

Who is down there?

Don't tell me, I've picked your curiosity?

Not surprisingly, Mr. Bogen.

I have an abiding interest in the human brain

and the relationship of the brain to the body.

Do you know that some people are born,

live their whole normal lives and die with only half a brain?

Hell, I met more in my.

I want a human body, a normal human body but one

that can encompass my superior intelligence.

I detest having to live a life through proxy, through the limbs

and senses of these creatures.

And so I experiment.

If half a brain can do the work of a whole one,

perhaps a whole human brain can hold an intellect equivalent

to my own.

So more power to you.

And you weren't at all concerned

about my subjects down in the basement?

Is there anything I can do for them?

Nothing comes to mind.

I keep them alive for future experiments

and for their occasional entertainment value.

Yeah, well, they got their problems and I got mine

and you got yours and right now, Myron,

I'm the problem you got to worry about.

Like you say you're a very clever fellow.

You want me to stay quiet, I can see, 'cause I got a feeling,

you got a whole fleet of cars in that swamp back there.

You don't want guys who have guns

and badges snooping around this house.

Now, you want to keep doing whatever it is you're doing.

And Myron, you made them folks downstairs go away.

I want you to do the same thing

for Howard Oates, you make him go away.

Otherwise, you go and find yourself

in a whole world of hurt.

Now, do we have a deal?

Talk dirty to me, honey, talk dirty.

Ain't no time to talk dirty.

Now listen up, tomorrow night.

Tomorrow night.

Howard's going to be out of town.

Out of town.

You get yourself an alibi.

A what?

An alibi, you know, will see a friend, go to a beauty parlor,

whatever you got to do to have people see you.

Now, you got that?

Oh, an alibi?

You do as I say now.

Oh, you going to do it, you going to do it.

I'm going to do it now and ain't--

nobody going to point finger at us.

He's going to be dead?

He is going to be dead, deader than dead,

deader than a dog in a garbage dump.

Oh, you're my knight in shining armor.

Well, well,

fancy meeting you here, cupcake.

Oh no, don't be shy.

Come on, give old Howard a little kiss now.

Shop and Stop, Lance Bogen here.

Done, Mr. Bogen.

Been a pleasure doing business with you.

Oh, Lance it's me.

Holy shit, Lorretta, what are you doing here?

Did you do it, is he gone?

Oh, Lorretta you got to stick with the plan.

Howard turns up missing, you don't want people hooking us up.

Then you did it, you really did it?

It's done, baby.

You won't be seeing Howard no more.

Tell me, tell me, how'd you do it?

Had it done, angel cake, man has got his act together,

he don't do it, he has it done.

You hired a hit man?

No. Had some a whole lot better.

Well, I'd say for two.

Who?

Honey, I got the Stackpools working for me.

Go on.

Yeah, I got me a little look at some real sweet.

You know that night we saw that road block?

Well, that little luck and some sharp thinking

by yours truly is all it took.

So you got something on the Stackpools?

Oh yeah, I got 'em by the short.

I got 'em by the short whatever the hell they got.

And they took care of Howard?

Yeah, just like that.

I said, "You take care of Howard Oates," and they did it

and that ain't all, that's just the first installment.

What do you mean?

Well, honey, them Stackpools is loaded with the green stuff.

I checked it out.

They got all them real goods, they got like oil and gas, coal,

you know, all that flammable shit, real money.

And you go and get it?

Ah-huh honey, that's we're going

to get it if you play it smart.

That means you can't be hanging around here, see?

You can't be acting

like Howard's dead before somebody even tells you

that he's missing.

Now you got to play cool, baby.

Oh, it sound too hot to play it cool, you got to do me, baby,

fuck your little Scarlet.

All right, take your panties off.

And Howard's gone for good, what'd they do to him?

Will they make him suffer?

Oh, I'm sure they will, I'm sure they will.

One.

Two, two, two--

Sure, I didn't think I'd hand that letter

over to you, did you, Myron?

Hardly.

Hardly is right, why I do

that to kill me deader than stale cheese.

We both know that.

Now I know what's floating around that big old head

of yours, whatever I do or don't do,

I'm a permanent burr up your butt.

I see I can't keep any secrets from you, Mr. Bogen.

Well, it ain't no secret, man, it's just common sense.

So, let you do what you do, just letting you stay around

and keeping my mouth shut, that's a prize to me, a risk.

I figure, man takes a risk but he ought to get paid for it,

seems reasonable to me.

But I'm sure you also realize that it's a calculated risk.

You press too hard and you make it worth it for me

to employ desperate measures.

What? You mean like drag me down in that basement playroom

of yours and snipping off pieces

of me till I tell you who my lawyer is?

Maybe, make me call up my lawyer, have him deliver

that letter in person.

I wouldn't do that if I was you, Myron.

I see, you've thought it all out.

Uh-hmm, see if old Wheeler here, his nose is as good

as you say it is why he probably sniff these on me

when I first came in.

So that matched this against Otis's muscle any day

of the week or against your big old brain for that matter.

Now, ain't going to be no torturing tonight, Myron.

Pity and what exactly is

that you would expect from me, Mr. Bogen?

Call me Lance, Myron, not to worry now.

I thought this whole thing out.

Now, I'm not going to bleed you dry.

Now Mom always said only a dumb slaughters the milking cow

and I'm not going to slaughter you, no, I'm just going

to scoop off a little cream.

Say about 2,000 a week.

Oh, now, don't got acting like that some hardship, Myron.

I know you got cabbage to spare.

Go on over to the right dresser drawer.

Myron, Otis, Wheeler, Ernestina,

it's been a pleasure doing business with you all.

See you next week for another payment and don't get

up Myron, I'll show myself out.

Wheeler,

you follow that greasy, white trash hookster.

We'll watch, listen to him, smell him and when he sleeps,

we'll catch him all right, we'll catch the little fox

and I'll cut that grin right off his face.

Go.

So Loretta, any word from Howard.

No, and it's been almost a week.

A week, oh, that's terrible.

Feels almost like forever.

Did you call the police?

Of course, I did, just like-- I mean, of course,

I did but it's like he just fell off the face of the earth.

Fancy that, so big and all.

Well, he did have a way of creating bad feelings in people.

What'd the police say?

What did they say?

Well, I didn't get the impression

that locating Howard was likely

to be a high priority for the boys in blue.

Let me see if I can recall sergeant's exact words.

It was like, "If you all want to find that no-good,

trouble-making, red-neck husband of yours,

you best buy yourself a shovel."

Well, that was damn insensitive of him.

I should say so.

I imagine you've-- well, you've about giving up hope

of ever seeing your husband again.

Well, foul play the permanent bride, he does seem

to be the generally held opinion.

Of course our marriage was troubled.

I hadn't realize that.

Yes, of course.

Well, we didn't talk about it much but with what

with him being a gangster and drug seller and murderer

and all, well, it didn't make normal life a bit difficult.

I expect it would.

Still, I suppose it does get a bit lonely without him.

Lonely, yes, more than you could ever imagine.

Well, Lorretta, I hope you don't take this the wrong way

but, well, if you're still lonely, I'd be happy to--

I don't know, how about dinner and a movie.

How about dinner and let's skip the movie.

How about we skip dinner, too.

You know you fill me up better

than any old stake and potatoes.

Yeah, sweet cake, you're the only hot fudge sundae I want

to dip my spoon into.

That damn thing is still fucking down in there.

I'm trying.

Here we go right there, hold on moi, sing.

Oh, honey bunny, I like that.

Oh, you better get used to it sweetie because there's going

to be a lot more of that where that come from courtesy

of Mr. Big Brains Stackpool.

Esquire.

What's an esquire honey?

An esquire is somebody gives you a shit car full of money.

Oh, really sorry about that.

Keep on talking, you little con man.

Every stupid words are deposited in the pain bank.

You just wait, pretty soon you'll be making a withdrawal.

You and that powder puff whore of yours.

Susie, how would you like to run this place?

Oh, you mean more than I do now?

I know, I know, I ain't exactly been

around to much lately but I got bigger things into works.

Now, why you always got to be such a sour puss.

I'm trying to make you an offer.

You take over the Shop and Stop, you can hire whoever you want

and I'll give you 50 percent share because I'm a nice guy.

I'll be like one of them whatchamacall

as a silent partners.

Silent.

Oh, now that'll be the day,

Susie, scales have been lifted from my eyes.

I've seen a bigger better world, a world beyond deep fryers

and canned goods and I can reach out there and grab it.

That is if I play my cards right.

Lance, you try walking around on a Big Ben shoes,

you are just going to fall flat on your face.

I am fitting no shoes, and as a matter of fact,

they're getting too tight.

Yeah, well, everything that's been going on around here,

I feel I get a bit tight myself.

You hush now.

You think about 'em off.

Clean this stuff up, I got to make an important phone call.

Hello,

Arthur Roscow, please.

This is client, Lance Bogen.

One moment, Mr. Bogen.

Arthur Raskow here.

Mr. Raskow this is Lance Bogen calling in on schedule.

Yes, Mr. Bogen, can you please tell me the name

of your mama's dog when you were a young man.

My mama's dog is Elvis P. Resley.

Elvis P. Resley, that's correct.

Thank you very much, Mr. Bogen.

And thank you, Mr. Raskow.

Elvis P. Resley.

Two tickets to Raleigh, round trip.

That will be 88.60.

Pretty girl.

Well, I'm sorry but Mr. Raskow doesn't see anybody

without an appointment and he doesn't see just anybody.

Just what the hell are you doing,

breaking into my office like this.

Angelique.

Arthur Raskow?

Yeah, that's correct.

Mr. Bogen's letter, get it.

I don't know what you're talking-- hey.

Last one, Mr. Bogen's letter, get it.

Okay, the safe.

It's in the safe, I'll get it, I'll get it, I'll get it.

Okay, all right.

There-- you have it, you have that.

I don't even know what's in it.

Holy shit, what are you?

Copies.

That's it, there ain't none.

Oh, God, oh, please, please, God.

I swear, please, please, there ain't no copies.

I ain't got no-- oh, please, please.

That's three, copies.

How can I make you believe me?

Lance baby?

Yeah, honey.

I got to be-- I got to be honest.

Sure, honey.

I'm getting-- I'm getting a bit frustrated.

Well, Scarlet, I'm doing the best that I can.

Not about that, I mean about doing it

down here at the cream corn.

I mean what's the-- what's the point of murdering your husband

if you can't fuck in a bit.

Do you hear what I'm saying?

Oh yeah I hear you and I've been thinking about us.

Thinking?

Yeah, honey, about us.

What's that mean?

What's that mean?

You've been thinking about us?

What's there to think about?

Scarlet, you do have a suspicious mind.

Come on, come on, we're losing our rhythm here.

Fine, fine.

Like I said, I've been thinking.

Yeah, you go ahead and tell me.

About you and me and--

Yeah.

-- and we'll, where we're going from here.

And where do you figure this going to be.

Again, I got to tell you true.

God knows one wouldn't know dishonesty.

Hold, now cut that out now.

Cut that out.

And just what is it that I'm cutting?

I'm trying to tell you true.

You are the only honey bear for me.

That's right and make all them other girls like on TV and stuff

that like bunch of ugly, old sound.

Oh Lance, you mean it.

Sure as shit baby.

From now on, it's Lance and Loretta till death do us part.

Oh, Lance.

Yeah baby.

I want to you to be Mrs. Lance Bogen.

That is if you have me.

Oh, Lance, I'll have you.

I'll hold you up, do you?

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Let me see it, let me see it honey.

The ring, the ring, the ring, show me the ring.

Oh, yeah, I don't actually have.

You didn't get a ring?

Yeah, huh.

Oh, shit Lance, you surely don't know how

to do romanticize a thing.

Oh, now Scarlet.

Don't be like that now.

I thought about it, you know, and well, I didn't want

to buy you some ring, you know, that you wouldn't

like then you'll be stuck with it the rest of your life.

Now, see this way I thought that we go together, you know,

to get something you like.

Well, geez Louise Lance that sure was practical of you.

Oh no, come on honey, don't be like this.

You see that right there, huh?

You see that?

Go ahead, you hit me right there, just go ahead, come on.

Hit me right there.

Oh, God, all right, you feel better?

Yeah.

I'm forgiven?

Oh honey, you could tell who .

Lance, Lance.

Yes, Suz?

You're wanted on the phone.

And I'll be there in a sec.

All play and no work makes Lance Bogen a poor boy,

and I got a deal to support my Scarlet in a way that she is

yet to become accustomed to.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Lance Bogen.

You'll be receiving a delivery tonight, be alone.

Wait, hold on.

What now, listen sweet puss,

we got to have a little trust now, don't we?

Yeah. I just want to keep you safe, that's all.

All right, will you just hunker down in that bed of yours

and think about old Lance.

Tomorrow is fine honey, juts keep yourself warm.

I got to go.

Oh, business calls.

Well, Ernestina, fancy seeing you here

or should I call you Myron.

Special delivery, how decent of you.

You dropped your purse.

Oh, well--

Oh baby whatever you got there.

Oh, yeah, oh.

Pretty girl. Pretty girl.

What you want here?

Otis want--

Please, please don't hurt me.

Otis-- Otis not hurt pretty girl.

Otis won't hurt.

Otis will do what he's sent to do or I'll cut that pee brain

of yours right out of your skull.

Elvis P. Resley.

You found Raskow.

over hear the phone call?

Uh-hmm, from the area outside.

Oh, he does have good ears.

So now you got the letter.

The letter is gone, Mr Raskow is gone.

You on the other hand, Mr. Bogen are going to be

around for quite sometime.

I'm not normally a vindictive person

but in your case I'm going to make an exception,

but don't you worry, you won't have to go through it alone.

Lance, what-- Oh, God.

Oh my God.

Don't you worry sugar bear,

every thing's going to be just fine.

Your bogus optimism not withstanding Mrs. Oates a little

worry wouldn't be totally out of keeping

with your current situation.

Oh my God, it talks.

Oh yes, it talks and pretty soon you're both going to find

out what else it does.

I think it would be appropriate to start

with your little honey cake, Lance, sweetie,

whatever else you call her.

I don't think so.

You don't.

Uh-uh Myron, you see you made one mistake.

And what's that Mr. Upside-down Bogen?

The problem is you so smart and all,

you automatically think everybody else is a dope.

If I believe it, it's because experience has shown it

to be true.

You underestimate people like me.

Mr. Bogen, it is impossible to imagine

that I could underestimate you.

See there now, you're doing it again.

So, you got Raskow, what do you think?

I just lay everything out for him and not figure

that you'd find him eventually?

I have to admit it.

You're fast on your on your feet

but whatever little story you're going to spin, it isn't going

to get you or the pneumatic Mrs. Oates

out of this particular kegel.

Pretty girl.

Quiet! Go on, Mr. Bogen.

Well, suppose there was another lawyer

and he got another letter and he was giving a couple

of telephone numbers and he was told that well,

if Arthur Raskow turns up dead or missing, well,

you give those numbers a call.

You don't hear anything in a couple a days then you take

that letter on over to the state attorney.

No Myron, you and me, we're on the dance floor for life.

Oh, come on, Myron, don't be like that just turn me loose.

I'll forget this all happened.

Call that a love spat.

I'm afraid I can't do that Mr. Bogen.

This is a matter of personal pride.

High pride carries a high price, Myron.

You don't want to cut off your nose despite your face

especially with a big old face like yours.

Nevertheless, there is an alternative, Mr. Bogen,

not to less painful but in fact more so.

Cast your mind back over your amusing little monolog.

There is, I fear, a slight problem in your full-proof plan.

I'm listening.

Oh good, for a minute there I thought I was boring you.

And you my dear, are you following all this?

I want to go home.

Well, we all want many things.

We're going to see if we can find

out exactly what the second lawyer's name is,

a sort of like a guessing game only with torture.

Well, you got to do what you got to do.

No, I'm going to do what I wish to do.

You could avoid the painful inconvenience for you

and you're little tot.

And as I said before, I think it's only appropriate

that she go first.

What is the name of the second lawyer?

Well, now, look who's calling, who's stupid.

No matter what I say and don't say, the way I figure it,

things going to turn out pretty much the same way.

So, I say to you, go fuck yourself, big brain.

Lance, please.

Sweetheart, you know how I feel about you

but telling him may not get out of this.

Our only chance is if I keep my lip buttoned.

But what about me?

I'm working on that honey.

I love you, honey.

I love you too, angel lips.

Oh, this is truly touching.

I can see Mr. Bogen that you clearly care about this woman.

I mean may be not as much as Ernestina.

Oh, Mrs. Oates, I'm sorry, you don't know

about your Bogen and Ernestina.

They were in a-- how shall I put it,

intimate proximity earlier this evening.

Lance.

That was not my fault angel, that female.

She's got some sort of uncontrollable sexual power.

I couldn't resist myself.

Oh, tell me another.

I think we've had enough chitchat.

Get her ready for the performance.

Wait, wait, wait a second.

I have something to say.

I'm all ears.

I have a confession to make.

Please do so.

I've always been attracted to really intelligent men.

Do tell.

It's true.

Lorretta.

Oh, shut up.

Given your attraction to Mr. Bogen,

I frankly find it a bit difficult believing you.

Well, let's face it.

He may not be much but he is about the best of the crop

in , that is, except for you.

I'm flattered.

Now, don't be like that, I'm serious.

I'm not just looking for a physical thing,

not that I mind it but it is the intellectual

and the spiritual that attracts me.

I see and I excite your spiritual desires?

Oh, you give me all sorts of ideas.

Well, I can tell just by looking at you

that you're a take-charge kind of guy, that you're a man

that can get things done.

Lorretta, you're making a fool out of yourself.

Just shut up.

I know it must be real lonely being so smart and all.

I know what it's like to be lonely, not to fit in, honest.

And do you think you can fill my lonely house?

Oh, I know I can, I can make you happy.

You can?

Oh, just me a chance.

What about Mr. Bogen?

He betrayed me.

That was physical.

Well, Myron.

I can call Myron, can't I?

Oh, ever since the first time I ever laid eyes on you,

I said to myself, there's somebody's special.

You ain't a member of the herd,

he is a man that goes his own way.

You scared me but a real man is always scary

to a woman, it's true.

Really, well, Mrs. Oates--

Call me Lorretta.

Very well, Lorretta.

I have to confess it has been a lonely road.

I mean, I am mostly intellect

but you see I am a man whose will--

I just want to be close to you, honey.

No one has ever said that to me before, oh.

Your not-- your not talking advantage of me, are you?

Oh, Lorretta this is revolting.

Shut up.

Well, Myron honey, I never take advantage.

I'm just-- just-- just expressing my true feelings.

Enough, and you have no ulterior motive?

Motive?

Oh no, no, not at all.

I just want to be yours forever.

Well, Lorretta.

You are without a doubt extremely entertaining.

I can't exactly say what it is that you do but I can see

that you do it very well.

Unfortunately, I'm just too busy with my ongoing plans

for world domination and all to--

to take time out for romance.

No darling, I'm afraid it'll just have

to be death by torturous plan.

Now, hold on, please, just give me chance.

I can make you happy.

You're my dream boat, just let me give you a little hug.

You'll have to excuse me, Mr. Bogen.

I have preparations to make for the performance.

up to a little cultural activity, Mr. Bogen?

At least I'm right side up.

All right, so what is this place,

home movie theater or something?

No, it isn't a home movie theater.

Once in my great grandfather's time,

a family would enjoy dramatic presentations here.

Sometimes actors were brought

in for private performances as if for royalty.

You might be interested to know that in 1859,

John Wilkes Booth performed Hamlet on this very stage.

Is that before or after he shot Lincoln?

Before, you idiot.

He was shot afterward.

Oh, yeah.

I guess that make sense?

No doubt.

Over the years, I have tried to recapture a tiny fragment

of that long lost grace staging my own humble theatricals here

on this stage.

Mr. Bogen, are you perhaps familiar with Joan of Arc?

Joan of Arc.

Does the name strike a responsive cord?

Oh, yeah, yeah, Ingrid Bergman, right?

She was a nurse or something.

Well, a saint or satanist, depending on whom you believe.

I find her a fascinating figure, a saint,

madwoman, warrior, visionary.

Oh, who you have as the cast, Otis and Wheeler?

Oh, no, no, no.

Their brains of too deeply submerged to be able

to decently memorize lines.

I suppose I could speak through them myself

that I should have no doubt seeing the results are rather

limited and now I turn to my patients for the cast.

Do you mean those guys intercom?

Oh, some of them are perfectly hopeless as actors

of course, the violent ones or the catatonic ones although

at least they can carry spears, but you'd be amazed.

Some of their performances with the proper rehearsal

and motivation can be quite moving.

Of course, I have recently suffered a significant setback.

Oh, now, I'm supposed to ask what your setback is, right?

My lead actress, my Joan has recently lost the power

of coherent speech.

She just says, "Snow" over and over again.

I have no idea why.

Maybe she used to be a weather girl.

No, that's not it.

The point is I have no Joan but thanks to you,

I now have a unique opportunity.

How so?

By the delightful Mrs. Oates, of course.

She is going to be my Joan for a one time only,

never to be forgotten performance featuring a

climatic, burning at the stake that will no doubt

from startling in its realism.

You son of a--

Tell me the name of the second lawyer.

Go to hell.

I hope you do realize, of course,

that the more you resist, the happier it makes me.

You're going to torture me no matter what I tell you.

So you can not only go to hell, you can go fuck yourself if you,

in fact, have a dick to fuck yourself with.

Well, I have to admit you talk a good game.

Now, we are going to see what you are really made of.

Let the play begin.

Avant, attend and hear the tale

of the gallant made of , Gallant Joan chosen

by God, betrayed by man, fly on wings imaginary to our scene

of justice most tragic.

Witness the burning of an angel in a market place of Rome.

Bring forth the accused, the witch of Orleans.

Aww--

Here, you kneel, wicked girl before the authority of man

and of God, what speak you.

Aww.

Kindly read the lines, Mrs. Oates.

We are striving for some fragment

of artistic integrity here.

The lines.

Aww.

All right, all right.

Page 1, please.

Oh, man and God would speak you--

what shall I say to you who are wrapped in the royal robes

of England, sworn enemy of France.

Speak simply girl, thou stand not before man

but before God's chosen officers.

Answer for the crimes of heresy and of witchcraft.

Confess them harlot.

Yeah , aaw.

What-- I'm trying to find my line.

What shall I confess, who have

but followed God's ordin-- ordin off-- ordin in.

Aaw.

Ordinances.

Ordinances.

Of what things do you fear to tell of your speech with Satan?

Of his tempting of the covenant of 13 which you led

against your rightful king.

I know no rightful king,

save my own King of France Charles Vi.

Aww-- what?

I am reading it.

Its not Vi, it's V-I-I,

roman numeral VII, Charles the Seventh.

Continue.

Lance, this is all your fault.

Aww.

Okay, okay Charles the VII.

And I know nothing of

or intercourse with Satan.

I do as my God commands.

How do you like it so far?

The retard is doing a better job acting than Lorretta.

Don't worry, I'm sure she'll get into that spirit

of it as the drama unfolds.

Enough of thy blasphemies daughter of Satan.

By the word of the rightful king, I order thee bound

to the post of repentance.

No, no.

See citizens of Rouen, behold the price of a witch,

daughter of Satan confess.

I pray thee and save thy soul.

Fuck off.

Aww.

Hold it steady half-brain.

Oh, noble sir, I am but a simple country maid-- oh, geez Louise.

Lance! God damn it, tell him the name of the lawyer.

I'm sorry honey, that's my only bargain and chip.

You hang in there honey lips.

Hang in there, hang in there?

I ought to kill you, you son of a bitch.

Oh, Jimmy fucking cricket, now what?

Lance! Aww.

Country maid, simple country maid.

My soul is God's and his angels will welcome me to paradise.

He knows the secrets of my heart as no man--

hold it steady-- ever shall.

Though flame shall consume me, my face shall not fail.

Though flame shall consume me-- holy shit, Lance.

Mr. Bogen, as you can see we are rapidly approaching the

climax of our little dramatic tableau,

tell me the name of the second lawyer.

You ain't no starting no fire in that stage,

you'll burn your whole house down.

Your concern for my residence is touching but don't you worry.

I've taken every precaution to fireproof the stage.

Then move the smoke, Helen extinguishes,

will remove the flames after the play is over.

Nothing will be permanently damaged

with the exception of Mrs. Oates.

Oh God, Lance, he ain't kidding.

She is right, I ain't kidding.

Tell me the name of the second lawyer.

Tell me the name of the second layer!

No.

Please, Jesus, fucking, Christ.

Proceed with the burning.

No, no, wait, wait, wait!

I still have more lines.

That alone, Mrs. Oates,

is sufficient motivation to proceed.

Mr. Cauchon, your line please.

By the authority of the holy church, I condemn thee to death

by burning Joan maid of Orleans.

May the devil receive thy soul.

Oh God, oh God, this is not happening.

This is just not happening!

Myron, goddamn you.

Whatever.

Pretty girl, not hurt.

Otis.

Not hurt.

Pretty girl, not hurt.

Otis.

Not hurt.

Otis.

No hurt, pretty girl.

My eyes, my eyes.

Lorretta, what going on here?

Pretty girl, no burn.

House burn!

Myron,

your parties like that.

You and.

Or what big brain, you like to thank me?

Yeah, you would, huh?

Big brain, you want to thank me?

Not if you've been on roller coaster.

Oh, no.

'Cause I am sure artistic connoisseur

such as yourself will rather appreciate it.

Yup, thanks for Myron.

Lorretta!

Lorretta! Lorretta!

Howard?

Lance? Lance Bogen.

What the heck is going on around here?

Beats the royal shit out on me, Howard.

I got to go.

Yeah, okay.

See you around.

Lance. Lance.

Save me Lance.

Please, help me.

Oh, Lance is coming.

And don't be playing hard to get.

House burned.

Wasn't that just great, isn't that perfect.

No Howard, now, no Lance.

Not that I would have taken him back.

Of course, he did have ambition, I'll give him that.

Now, what's a girl to do?

Pretty girl.

Yeah, well.

Thanks for everything, Otis.

I'll be seeing you around.

Otis, pretty girl.

Yeah, yeah, you Tarzan, me, Jane.

I'm sure we just make a swell couple.

You, Otis Stackpool, me,

Lorretta Stackpool, you only survived in the Stackpool heir,

me, controls Stackpool money.

Pretty Lorretta.

Otis, there comes a time in a girl's life for a romance

and a time for practicality.

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Oh, that's okay honey.

Don't you worry none, your little sweetie Lorretta is going

to take care of everything.

Do you, Lorretta Koslowsky Oates take this man

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Otis Stackpool, take this woman

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Otis, say I do.

I, oh--

Yes. Well, I now pronounce you man

and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Oh, we'll skip that part, thanks anyway.

There now Otis, we're married.

Married?

That's right.

It's going to be you and me together.

I'm going to take good care of you.

I'm going to be real sweet.

Sweet.

That's right.

So you see it all worked out in the end.

Don't you just love a happy ending?