Original subtitles

NARRATOR: "Gunsmoke," with Milburn Stone as Doc, Amanda

Blake as Kitty, Kent Curtis as Festus,

Buck Taylor as Newly, and starring

James Arness as Matt Dillon.

[music playing]

[howling]

[music playing]

Sam, draw me another beer, would you?

SAM: Sure, Festus.

Much obliged.

Doc, I'll settle up with you later.

Well, you're looking mighty pretty tonight, Michelle.

Well, she sure is quiet for a Saturday night, ain't it?

Kind of nice, kind of nice.

What-- what time it is, anyhow?

Why don't you get yourself a watch?

Aw, fiddle.

I'd feel silly carrying one of them things around.

Watches was invented for doctors and lawyers and such as that,

not for us Hagans.

Well, you gonna tell me what time it is or ain't you?

10:15.

Now are you satisfied?

Just pure old [inaudible] scary, that's what it is.

What is?

You mean you ain't notice?

What?

The quiet.

Can't you hear it?

There ain't been a Saturday night this quiet in Dodge

since [inaudible] was a pup.

How do you hear quiet?

The onliest thing you've got to do is listen at it.

If you don't hear nothing, then you're hearing quiet,

just like I've been hearing all night long-- nothing

but thundersome quiet.

It's just plain spooky.

You're spooky.

Let me tell you something, Doc.

There's something fixing to happen.

And when she busts loose, it's going

to be a two-toed turkey-tailed [inaudible],

and you can mark my word on that.

Well, let me tell you something.

You're not going to get me all scared and excited

just because you are.

I'm not--

You don't have to get all riled up, Doc.

I am not going to sit here and let you spoil my evening.

All right, go on, you old grumpety grouch.

KITTY: Make sure everybody's got a drink

and that they're all having a good time.

Yes, Miss Kitty.

She a new girl?

Yes.

Make you feel older?

No, younger.

You better watch out, Curly.

OK, what were you and Festus fussing about this time?

Oh, Festus just insists that it's quieter around here

than usual.

He says it's weird.

I said, well, the only weird thing

that I can think of around here is you,

and that hasn't changed any.

Well, night's young.

Things'll pick up.

DOC: Where's Matt?

Oh, he had to go out to the Martin place.

Billy came running into town about an hour ago

and said that Lester was beating up on his mother,

so he rode out to see what it was all about.

DOC: Know when he'll be back? -Nope.

Uh-uh.

Excuse me, a minute, Doc.

Well, what can I do for you boys?

Evening, Miss Kitty.

Howdy.

FRED: Miss Kitty.

RED: Howdy.

Thought we'd drop in for a drink or two.

Honest, that's all.

Uh-uh.

The last time you came in for a drink or two

you nearly tore the place down.

Well, we'd like to apologize for that, ma'am.

We don't know what got into us.

That'll never happen again.

We promise.

It's not enough.

You mean we can't stay?

You gotta let us stay, Miss Kitty.

We'll behave ourselves, honest.

All right.

I'll tell you what I'll do.

You can go and buy yourself each one drink,

and then you can buy a bottle and take it with you.

Thanks, Miss Kitty.

You've been real kind.

We'll just get our drink and go.

And if there isn't any trouble tonight, then

maybe the next time you're in town,

you can stay a little longer.

Thank you, ma'am. Come on.

-Thank you. -Thank you, ma'am.

Thank you.

Come on.

ED: Bartender, can we have a drink and one bottle?

What's the matter with you?

Those are same fellas in here who

tore up the place a month ago.

Yeah, that's right.

What makes you think they won't do it again?

They're not going to be any trouble.

They're just going to have one drink and leave.

FRED: Night, Miss Kitty.

-Night Miss Kitty. -Night.

Good night.

-Good night, Miss Kitty. -Miss Kitty.

-Night. -See?

I see, but I don't believe it.

Why don't we just rent a hotel room?

That way we've got some place to sleep afterward.

Why don't we just rent a hotel room?

How much money you think we've got?

I don't recollect.

[inaudible]

Unless you got a spare gold piece on you,

you better keep your dumb ideas to yourself.

What do you want?

What's the biggest horse you ever seen?

What kind of a question--

No matter how big the biggest horse you ever seen was,

that one over there is bigger.

[music playing]

FRED: Hey, look at that.

ED: Are you sure it's a horse?

RED: It looks like a horse.

Ran like a horse.

Let's go smell [inaudible].

Wait a minute.

What's that thing on top of it?

[music playing]

It's a little man!

A little man on a giant horse.

Makes you stop and think, don't it?

Think about what?

About how sometimes you think you know everything,

and then one day something happens

that you can't hardly explain.

And all of a sudden you know that you don't

know hardly nothing at all.

[music playing]

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Let's go look at that horse.

[music playing]

ARIZONA: Can a guy get a drink here?

How about a beer?

[music playing]

I said, how about a beer?

SAM: One beer, coming up.

There you are.

That'll be 5 cents.

[music playing]

[WHISPERING]: Doc, is that there a full-grown man?

[WHISPERING]: He's a midget.

I have never saw me no midget before.

You have, Kitty.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Sure.

He's kind of a cute little feller, ain't he?

Looks like he might have got caught out in the rain

and shrank up. -Shh!

[WHISPERING]: I didn't mean nothing bad, Miss Kitty.

I ain't so perty my own self.

Well, I don't think anybody ever noticed that.

All right, go on and hoo-rah me.

Did you look at that there little old man?

And he's a-huffing and a-puffing like he run all the way here

clean from Abilene.

What are you gonna do about that?

[gasping]

He is breathing pretty hard, Doc.

Do you suppose he's all right?

Well, I better go see about it.

Doc-- can I go with you?

I ain't never swapped words with no midget before.

Well, a couple things you ought to know about

midgets first, [inaudible].

What's that?

Don't pick him up.

FESTUS: Oh, I wasn't fixing to pick him up, Doc.

Well, I just didn't want you to do anything stupid, that's all.

Well, you blamed old scudder, I just

don't go around picking up every little shrank-up feller I see,

you know. -What a minute.

There's more.

[WHISPERING] Don't call him a midget.

Well, what's he want to be called?

His name.

By his name, like you do or anybody does.

How does it come that all of a sudden

you know so blame much about--

DOC: Shh!

[WHISPERING]: --midgets?

Didn't you ever tell him about me, Kitty?

What?

No, I never told him.

What's that?

Well, I was raised by a herd of wild midgets.

You all right?

Can I get you another drink?

How come you're breathing so hard?

Been riding all day.

Had to get here before midnight.

Oh, well, I think that, uh, you made it.

Yeah, a little over an hour to spare.

What's your name?

Arizona.

Who are you?

Well, this here is Doc Adams, and that there is Miss Kitty.

Kitty?

Most unusual name I've ever come across.

Well, my real name's, uh, Kathleen.

Kitty's just a nickname.

Kitty-- suits you.

Didn't catch your name.

Folks call me Festus.

How come?

Because that's my name.

Throw it at me again.

Festus.

Fes-tus?

Sounds like a cold sore.

It sure does.

Oh, hush up.

[laughter]

You're spouting off pretty big for such a little feller.

Uh, Arizona, why'd you have to get to Dodge before midnight?

I need help.

I mean, I really need help.

Well, what kind of help do you need?

I don't know.

What I mean is, I do know.

But I just don't know how to tell you.

Well, now, we just all better sit down and talk about this.

Beatrice?

Yes, Miss Kitty?

A round of drinks on the house.

I never saw a Beatrice that look like that before.

Now tell me, just-- just what's your trouble?

What-- what can we do to help you?

Are you in trouble or something?

I ain't never been in no trouble.

Then why do you need help?

I'm sick.

I'm so sick, Doc.

What's wrong?

See these?

These is tears I'm crying.

You know why I'm crying?

I'm not crying because I'm sick.

I'm crying because when I tell you why I'm sick,

you won't believe me.

No one ever believes me until it's too late.

Well, what's that there supposed to mean?

It's very complicated.

What time is it, Doc?

Well, probably about, uh, 11 o'clock.

That's exactly what it is.

Only got an hour to go.

KITTY: Until what?

I gotta find somebody to take care of me.

Take care of you?

For tonight, till sunup.

I need a large barn, two or three bales of hay,

and somebody to take care of me.

Arizona, exactly what is your problem?

Oh, I don't think you'd understand, Miss Kitty.

I get a little rambunctious sometimes.

But I'm willing to offer to any man $50-- $50

to any man for one night's work.

Here you are.

$50 to anyone who will take care of me tonight.

$50 is a lot of money.

Why don't you go draw a beer or something?

I just don't know how to explain it.

I should give up trying.

FESTUS: Well, go ahead on and spit it out.

At least tell us why you need somebody to take care of you.

Because-- because there's going to be a full moon out tonight.

And what in thunder's a full moon got to do with it?

See?

Already you're finding it hard to believe.

I barely get started explaining to somebody,

and already they think I'm crazy.

Ain't nobody said nothing about you being crazy.

You ain't hardly even told us nothing yet.

Oh, what's the use?

What's the use?

How can we help you if you don't tell

us what's the matter with you?

That's right.

If you'll just tell us how, we'll do everything

we can to help you. -Really?

Well, of course. What in thunder is it?

Nobody's ever offered to help me before.

They either laugh or made fun of me.

Now I'm scared to tell you.

Oh, I give up.

Arizona, do you want us to help you or don't you?

I need somebody to take care of me tonight,

because, well, because, I'm-- I'm-- I'm a were-elephant.

[music playing]

What's a were-elephant?

You heard of werewolves, haven't you--

men who turn into wolves by the light of the moon?

Well, I'm a were-elephant.

And tonight-- tonight, there's going to be a full moon.

[muttering]

[music playing]

Look at them feet.

I wonder what something like this weighs.

How would anybody ever figure that out?

Hey, look at the size of them teeth.

Look at this tiny little old saddle.

I wonder what a horse like this would cost.

Who'd ever want to buy a horse this big?

That little old man, that's who.

Must make him feel real important, sitting up there

looking down on us tall people.

I wonder why he come into town?

Well, maybe he's just thirsty like us.

You know, I never seen a real little man close before.

Well, let's give a look on him.

Miss Kitty said we couldn't come in there no more.

Ain't nothing wrong with just looking through the door.

Of course not.

Come on.

Come on.

[chatter]

Someone get shot?

We was standing right over there.

If someone got shot, we'd have heard it for sure.

Bet that little man's right in the middle.

[chatter]

Quiet!

Quiet!

Everybody quiet!

This happens all the time.

You claim that every month, on the first night

of the full moon, at midnight you turn into an elephant.

Now, how do you expect us to believe that?

Kitty, I never expected you to believe me.

Not once did I ever expect anyone to believe me.

I know better.

Well, what makes you think you turn into an elephant?

Because I just know, that all.

It's happened to me over and over again.

Look, what's the use?

I was crazy to come here.

I could sit in that chair and talk to you up till midnight.

I could tell you that I've turned

into an elephant for the past 11 months in a row.

I could tell you about perfectly good poker hands

that I've ruined by turning into an elephant.

I could tell you a lot of things.

But you would never believe any of them.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to go

and lock myself in a corral.

Now, just a minute.

Now, really, don't you think you'd be more

comfortable in a hotel room? -Oh, no.

I need a lot of open space.

What for?

How do you expect to get an elephant out of a hotel room?

There isn't a door in the world big enough to go through.

And now I'd like to thank everyone for their time.

I'm sorry to have bothered you.

Miss Kitty.

[music playing]

He pert near makes you want to believe him, don't he?

You, maybe.

Not me.

Why don't you go have a drink?

Oh, much obliged, Doc.

I told you it was too dadgum quiet tonight, didn't I?

Quiet didn't have a thing to do with it.

That little fella was making plenty of noise.

If you think he was noisy just then,

wait till he starts turning into a elephant.

[laughter]

[music playing]

[laughter]

Oh ho!

That little old man sure is strange.

Yeah, Ed.

Ed, what did he say he turned into?

An elephant.

Yeah, what's an elephant?

Well, I don't ever recall seeing one in these parts.

Well, I heard tell of 'em.

No kidding.

Well, I never seen one.

I just heard of 'em.

My cousin Dudley, well, he seen one once in the circus.

What's a circus?

Well, I didn't ask him what a circus was.

He was too busy telling me about the elephant.

He says elephant's the biggest animal

there is in the whole world.

It's even bigger than that little man's horse.

RED: I wonder where that little old man went off to.

Well, who cares.

I-- I think he's tetched.

I kind of liked him.

Y'all want to hear about the elephant or not?

-I do. -Well, I don't.

Let's get started on that bottle.

I clear forget.

What in blue blazes we doing standing here?

Ain't you gonna finish explaining about that elephant?

First things first.

We got to find us a place to get drunk.

I seen us a barn over there.

Oh, look at that.

What's he doing down there?

Just sitting all alone.

Oh, he looks lower than a gopher's gut.

He don't look none too happy, does he?

Well, we can't all be happy.

Think he's all right?

Why is everybody so worried about that little runt?

One thing I know-- when a man gets that low,

it's sure nice to have someone to talk to.

That's right.

Ain't nothing worse than to have the melancholies

on a Saturday night.

Let's offer him a drink.

Are you crazy?

That's all we got.

You got the heart of a horny toad, you know that?

Come on, Ed.

Howdy.

Oh, my name's Ed.

This here's Red, and that there is Fred.

Howdy.

Ed, Red, Fred-- this sure is a town for names.

[laughter]

FRED: We seen you over in the saloon.

Yeah, we thought you might like to have

yourself a little old drink.

Yeah, I sure would.

If you really don't want a drink, that's OK.

Oh no.

I'd like a drink better than anything in the whole world--

almost.

FRED: Hope you like rotgut.

Heh-- love it.

What time it is now, Doc?

I'm not going to tell you.

I-- I'm getting sick of it.

Festus, five minutes ago it was 20 minutes till midnight.

So it must be 15 minutes to midnight now.

Well, dollar bill, I don't mean to keep asking, Miss Kitty,

but I'm getting to worrying about that little feller

Arizona.

Maybe we'd ought to have tried to keep him here.

How?

Tie him to a chair?

That ain't what I mean at all, and you know it.

He hasn't done anything wrong.

We don't have any right to hold him.

Well, maybe so, Miss Kitty, but I--

I can't help thinking that here it is, pert nigh midnight,

and right here in Dodge this very minute

they's a little bitty old feller a-sitting all alone by hisself,

a-waiting to turn into a elephant.

I just wish Matthew would get back.

He'd know what to do.

[music playing]

Ooh!

Ooh!

Ooh!

You-- you all right?

It won't be long now.

The teeth are getting soft.

That's the first sign.

You men have got to make up your minds right away.

Now, you say all we got to do is keep you in that barn

till sunup?

That's it.

And we get $25 now and $25 at sunup?

Each?

That's right.

And you get to the keep the money even if I

don't turn into an elephant.

Well, what if you do?

You don't think he can, do you?

That's not the point.

Point is we get 50 bucks just for staying in that old barn

all night.

And we was gonna do that anyways.

And it's legal, too.

Are them there elephants very dangerous?

Not if you take care of them.

I'm usually just as gentle as a newborn calf.

Well, how do you take care of one of them elephants?

That's the most important part of our deal.

You got to promise to take good care of me.

But how?

That's easy.

Just make sure that I get plenty of hay,

green apples, and water.

Where would we get green apples?

I had them shipped in for the occasion.

They should be down at the freight office right now.

Well, that don't sound too hard.

It ain't.

But you've got to promise to take care of me

till I turn back into myself.

That's why I'm hiring you-- to take care of me,

because I'm going to change.

I don't care if you don't believe me,

'cause I'm going to change, and I

need somebody to take care of me till I turn back into myself.

At sunup.

ARIZONA: At sunup.

Oh, what about that giant horse?

ARIZONA: Oh, yes.

That's Homer.

He's part of the deal.

You take of me and you take care of Homer.

And when I'm an elephant, I ain't hard to handle

when Homer's around.

Well?

I think that's the most reasonable offer I've heard.

You can count me in.

Me too.

What about you?

Well, it can't hurt nothing.

Good.

Good.

You men have made me the happiest were-elephant

in the whole world.

Well, I'm glad.

I'll never forget you, I promise.

Here's your money-- $75 to divide amongst yourself.

Ooh-- ooh, ooh.

This is it.

It's time.

Don't forget your promise to me.

I'll see you in the morning.

Ooh!

[music playing]

We got 20, 25, and other 20.

That's, uh-- 45--

[elephant noise]

[elephant noise]

[music playing]

Darned if he didn't do it.

[music playing]

[elephant noise]

[chatter]

[elephant noise]

Doc, did you hear that?

Hear what?

Sounded like somebody a-tootin' a bugle.

A bugle?

How much you had to drink?

Well, I ain't had enough to make me hear things like that.

What time is it, Doc?

Oh, not again, for heaven's sakes.

Now listen to me.

You see that clock there?

Now, I'm going to tell you what time it is by that clock.

And I'm going to tell you once and that's all.

It is 1 and 1/2 minutes after midnight,

and that is time everybody ought to be in bed.

But wait a minute, Doc.

Ain't you gonna wait for Matthew to get back?

I certainly am not!

Drunk.

Arizona?

No wonder that little fellow was yelling.

Must hurt something awful to get stretched like that.

Arizona, you in there?

Naw, he can't hear you.

Arizona?

His ears is up there.

Oh.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna give him some of this.

Arizona likes rotgut.

I don't think that's smart.

Do you think that's smart?

I don't think that's smart at all.

I don't think that's smart.

You know, we better get that giant horse in here.

Well, sure.

He said that-- that horse helped keep him company.

What do you think?

Yeah, I think it's a good idea.

Now, we're going to stay here and watch the elephant.

You go on out and get Homer.

[elephant noise]

[music playing]

Back up, Homer.

[elephant noise]

Back up.

[elephant noise]

[inaudible]

You better go on down to the freight office

and get them apples.

We'll stay here and take care of this elephant.

But it's my turn to watch the elephant.

I just went to get Homer.

There ain't nothing worse than hungry elephant.

Now get!

I knew we shouldn't have taken this job.

I just knew it.

[music playing]

[laughter]

Hey now, just take it easy. Don't worry.

We sent him after them apples.

Ha ha ha!

What in tarnation is--

Oh, howdy.

This here is an elephant.

I know what it is, but where'd it come from?

Oh, now that you ain't going to believe.

Try me.

Well, didn't you see that little old man down

at the saloon a while back?

What little old man?

Arizona, he called himself-- not more than 3, 4, feet tall.

A little man 3 or 4 feet tall?

Yep.

That's him.

This here elephant used to be a sawed-off cowboy.

Oh, sure, sure.

Did you ever hear anything like that in your whole life?

MATT: No, I can't say as I have.

Purity of fact.

Uh-huh.

He don't believe us.

Oh, sure.

Sure I do.

Listen-- this thing don't happen too often, you know.

Could be the most important thing in history.

Did, uh, you see him change?

Yeah.

One minute he was a tiny little man.

The next minute-- pow!

He changed.

Right before our eyes.

[elephant noise]

I wish Red would hurry back with them apples.

All right, just take it easy.

Take it easy, Arizona.

[music playing]

[elephant noise]

[music playing]

-All right, now, now. -Whoa, now.

That's it. Take it easy, Arizona.

Be gentle, Arizona.

All right, all right.

Watch out for his nose.

[inaudible]

Don't worry about it.

Red'll be here with those apples pretty quick.

Why don't you just tie him up?

Why don't you just tell us how?

Well, it's your elephant.

That's all right.

Now take it easy.

Easy, now.

Easy, now.

That's it.

That's it.

[elephant noise]

[elephant noise]

[elephant noise]

[crash]

[elephant noise]

[music playing]

[elephant noise]

[elephant noise]

[elephant noise]

[elephant noise]

[music playing]

[chatter]

[music playing]

[howling]

[chatter]

Move back, now, Arizona needs lots of air, right, Red?

RED: That's right.

Try to keep it down, folks.

Try to keep it down.

Just keep back, folks.

Just keep back.

So when'd you just see the change

start to coming over him?

Well, he gave a beller down by the barn, and there he was.

Oh, excuse us.

Come on, elephant.

This here is the most excitingest thing

that's ever hit Dodge, Burke.

You don't believe it, do you?

Don't you?

Of course not.

Well, what in the tarnation you been standing around here

all night for, then?

Well, I just--

Just because you ain't got nothing better to do,

is that it?

Yeah, that's right.

I ain't got nothing better to do.

Yeah, that's the onliest reason I'm here, too.

Wonder where old Doc went off to?

He's missing everything.

Well, I thought you heard?

Ed Crocker broke his arm and Doc went out to fix it.

Well, how did he do that?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess you just pull the arm out,

and then you straighten out the bones

and then you put it in a splint.

Burke, that ain't what I asked you.

What I want to know is-- just, never mind.

Forget it. Forget it.

Well, if you're going to get so grumpy about it, why don't you

just go and stand someplace else?

Because I'm a deputy and I gotta stay here close for I

can keep an eyeball on things.

Go stand someplace else you own self, you blamed knothead.

Miss Kitty?

This here is the most excitingest thing

that I've ever saw.

Well, I'm more tired than I am excited.

Hadn't ought to be long, now.

Matthew, he must've decided to stay all night out

at the Martins's place.

Yeah, he must have.

And you know, old Doc, he's out at the Crockers's house.

He's fixing to miss all the excitement too.

I don't believe anything that has happened since Arizona

came to this town.

Well, I'll tell you, I've saw a heap of things

in my life, Miss Kitty.

And I have saw things happen that I just

swore couldn't have been did.

Festus, you don't really believe

that that elephant is going to turn back into that little man,

do you?

Well, I always try to make it a rule

to just believe what I actual see with my own eyeballs.

But when it gets to be sunup, I'll tell

you whether I believe that little

scudder or whether I don't.

Well, looks like, uh, everybody else in town

wants to see for themselves, just like you.

That's about the onliest way a feller can be sure.

But it ain't gonna be long now, 'cause old Arizona

is due to hatch back.

[music playing]

ED: Sun's coming up.

All right, everybody.

This here elephant's getting ready to turn back

into a cowboy.

Now, none of us know it for certain

how much room it's gonna take.

[chatter]

Just get back, folks.

Come on, here he comes.

[chatter]

Sun's coming.

[music playing]

ED: Come on.

[music playing]

Come on, Arizona.

[music playing]

[elephant noise]

[music playing]

Well, Festus.

Miss Kitty, I don't understand.

Them three fellers didn't appear like they was lying none to me.

They didn't have anything to do with it.

They were fooled the same as you and all these other folks.

By who?

By the midget.

Now look, I'm tired and I'm going

to bed, so I'm gonna say good morning or good night

or what have you.

I just want you to know that I feel like a fool staying

up all night watching all these fools

watch a-- a were-elephant.

[music playing]

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Give the poor little feller a chance.

Maybe he don't know what time it is.

Well, I never wanted to do it, and I ain't never

going to do it again.

Maybe he just don't want to come out.

What are you talking about?

Of course he wants to come out.

Ain't nobody wants to be a elephant

the rest of their natural life.

Well, I can't stand it.

Must've got stuck.

I'll tell you-- maybe he's just too timid to want

to do it in front of everybody.

How long do you think it's going to take

him to come out of his timid?

I don't know.

A long time, maybe.

What are we going to do?

Shoot him.

No, we ain't going to shoot him.

RED: Well, why not?

Because.

Because, stupid, that's a little man.

You want Marshal Dillon to come after us for murder?

Well, what are we going to do?

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Just supposing we was to take him down yonder

and put him in the barn all by his own self.

Maybe he'd do it there.

Don't you see?

Huh?

Want to?

All right.

-Come on, Arizona. -Come on, Arizona.

Come on, Arizona. Come on.

Come on.

To the barn, we're going.

Here we go.

FESTUS: Matthew?

When'd you get back?

We was commencing to fret about you.

Well, I just got back a few minutes ago.

What are you doing up so early?

Well, I've been up all night long.

The whole blame town has.

Well, what's going on?

Why, it's one of the most excitingest things that's

ever happened in Dodge City.

What is it?

Well, this here is one of them nights when you

just ought to have been around.

What happened?

Matthew, you ain't gonna believe me when I tell you.

Little feller is right.

It's just hard tell it so's anybody'll believe it.

What are you getting at?

Well, last night, Matthew, this here stranger come into Dodge,

and he come into the Long Branch there,

and he's just a-standing there.

And he was a regular little man, just about that tall.

What a minute.

Was he dressed in black?

Yeah, that's him.

Cute little feller.

Uh-huh.

That's the one.

I got him locked up in back.

His name is Virgil Yuleberry.

How can you have him locked up whilst he's still an elephant?

Elephant?

What are you talking about?

Well, we got the elephant over yonder in the barn.

Festus, you're getting too far ahead of me.

All I know is that I got a midget named Yuleberry

locked up in the back.

Yuleberry.

And he made fun of my name.

What you got him locked up for?

Well, I was riding into Dodge last night

and he stopped me on the road, asked

me if he could buy my horse.

-He did? -Yeah.

And then when he saw my badge, why, he took off running.

So I figured I must've been wanted for something.

I grabbed him.

Well, how come it took you so long to get back to town?

He's a slippery little fella.

He kept getting away from me.

I finally had to tie him up and hang him on my saddle horn.

Huh.

Well, he sure had hisself a busy night for such a little feller,

didn't he?

I've got a feeling it's not over yet, either.

[music playing]

Mr. Yuleberry?

I'd like to talk to you.

Want to talk to me?

Yeah.

Out in the office.

[music playing]

Hold on here, now.

Back-- there.

Now you keep him away from me, marshal.

I know his kind.

He's a killer.

Oh, hush up.

I ain't here to hurt you, even if it

does sound like a good idea.

What I want to know is why you went and lied to everybody.

I ain't talking to you.

Marshal, I told you I didn't want to see nobody.

Yeah, well, now I understand why, Mr. Yuleberry.

Suppose you just calm down and tell us the truth.

Well, go on.

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

Even if I told you the truth you wouldn't believe me.

Oh, you ain't going to start that again.

You know what really hurts?

This was the last time.

I didn't ever have to do it again.

I ain't never been found out before.

You mean you did this before?

Dodge makes 31 times.

31 times.

You don't know what it's like going through that act

every month-- making out like I'm

going to turn into an elephant.

It's awful.

Thank goodness it's over with.

Well, Mr. Yuleberry, we're still waiting.

Oh, yeah.

Ever hear of Meriwether Hornboom?

Can say as I have.

Have you, Festus?

-No, I ain't heard of him. -He was my uncle.

He was a millionaire.

He also was crazy-- craziest old man that ever lived.

Well, keep talking.

Well, uncle Meriwether liked to collect things-- weird things,

real unusual, you know.

Well, you still ain't telling us a whole heap.

Just give me time.

Now, uncle collected things like snake eyes and doorknobs.

He also collected animals, like elephants and giant horses.

Now, here we go, Matthew.

Well, uncle died three years ago,

and he left me the elephants and the horses.

Well, why didn't you just get rid of them?

Did you ever try to get rid of 31 elephants?

Well, no, I can't say I have.

Take my word for it.

You can't give them away.

Nobody in his right mind would want an elephant.

Stupid animals-- they don't know how to do anything

but eat and have kids.

I'm so glad that's over with.

Yeah, well, the fact of the matter

is, it isn't exactly over with yet.

What do you mean?

What about those men out there who think you

turned into an elephant?

You're not going to tell them, are you?

Why shouldn't I?

You don't understand, marshal.

How could I possibly keep a whole herd

of elephants and horses for the rest of my life?

And the only way I could get rid of them

was to make somebody else responsible for them.

Now those men think I'm going to reappear someday.

And if they believe that, they'll take

good care of those elephants.

Well, maybe they will, but--

There's nothing wrong with what I did.

I didn't break any laws.

Besides, marshal, those men have got something lots of us don't.

Yeah, a elephant.

More than that.

They've got something to believe in.

You just couldn't go out there, marshal, and tell them fellows

that I didn't change into an elephant,

because they think I did.

And they also think someday I'll change back.

[elephant noise]

[elephant noise]

Look, marshal.

[music playing]

[elephant noise]

Well, what are we gonna call him?

[laughter]

Name's Arizoney.

All right, Arizoney.

Come on.

Let's head for home.

Here we go.

[laughter]

They're like kids.

They'll have a lot of fun with that elephant,

and they'll take good care of him, too.

Hey, Ed, Fred!

Wait for me.

[music playing]

Wait for me!

If you don't mind, marshal, I'll slip out the side door.

[music playing]

Matthew, I'm just plumb tuckered out.

So am I.

You know, Matthew, I was just telling old Doc last night

that something powerful strange was a-fixing to happen,

and sure enough, it happened.

Is there any coffee, Festus?

No, there ain't, Matthew, but I can blame

sure make you some right quick.

Thanks.

You know, I never did believe that sawed-off little old

cowboy for a minute.

I just wanted to hear what his pinheaded [inaudible]

was all about.

That's all.

Not that such a thing can't happen,

'cause I recollect whilst I was still living up in the hills

there, and it was on a night just

exactly like last night, moon shining bright,

and it happened to my great-aunt Fredulia.

Aunt Fredulia?

What happened, Matthew, she started in

and she growed fur all over her body.

Fur?

Yes, sir, fur.

And that ain't all, either.

He told me that her teeth started

to grow real long and stragglety,

and when my cousin Elvene started in to shave her,

she hauled off and bit him.

Well, I went to his sick bed for over two weeks.

And that another funny thing that happened,

there, Matthew, I recollect when then,

when the widow [inaudible] was out planting a tater to get rid

of her warts, and the lighting started

to stomping and striking all around her, and-- Matthew?

Don't you want no coffee, Matthew?

[music playing]

Mighty peculiar.

Brain-boggling is what it is.

Stone brain-boggling.

[music playing]

NARRATOR: Stay tuned for exciting scenes

from our next "Gunsmoke."