Original subtitles

- [groans]

- I'll trade you the blanket for the pillow.

- You can have the pillow if you can come and get it.

- The blanket's fine.

- [sighs] Girls,

I think I have the stomach flu.

- This is the worst day ever.

- This is the best day ever!

both: Happy Julie-Palooza!

- There's only one way to celebrate

the day you came into our lives.

- Cake, photos, celebration, and...

spaghetti! - My favorite!

But can I eat it later?

Because spaghetti isn't really a breakfast food.

- Are you both home sick?

- No, just me.

Julie's celebrating Julie-Palooza.

- Is that your birthday?

Or some niche North American

music festival I'm unaware of?

- No, it's a celebration for the day that

my dads adopted me.

My birthday is a far grander event with all my friends.

- It's the same thing, but includes me.

- I'm glad you are both OK.

I had concerns when Mrs. Lawrence called your names

and you didn't answer.

- Wait. You noticed we were gone?

Did anyone else notice we were missing?

Anyone popular?

- Oh, Addison mentioned you.

She said Tripoli is the capital of Lydia.

- That's Libya. [chuckles]

- Huh. It now makes sense that you do not have

the 10th largest oil reserve in the world.

- Maybe today's the day the popular kids notice us

because we're missing.

Can you see who's talking about us and report back?

- I will try, but I cannot guarantee it.

I have several presidential tasks today,

including negotiating a high-stakes peace treaty

between the art club kids and the pottery club.

- Those clay makers,

always leaving their glaze all over the art room.

- Yeah. - Keep us posted, Dimitri.

[call disconnects]

Julie, this is our next experiment.

Does absence make the school's heart grow fonder?

I'll take it to the board.

[gags]

I'm just gonna go.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, yeah

All right

Oh, yeah

- It's a Goldblatt sick day.

We never get to spend a day together.

We should do something fun,

like painting each other's nails,

or watching movies, or playing a board game.

- You know what? I would love to,

but I am not sick enough to not go to work.

So I just have to...open this. [groans]

Here I go. I'm gonna open this.

Oh. Nope, I'm gonna take a sick day.

- How did we get the stomach flu?

- I don't know but we can figure it out.

Stomach flu has an incubation period of four to 48 hours.

- So it's someone we saw this weekend.

What's that?

- It's a book where I keep tabs on our whereabouts.

- Why?

- What if you get accused of a crime?

You would thank me for the evidence.

Unless you were guilty.

Anyway, I was at Julie's all weekend.

But she's not sick.

Melody doesn't have any friends.

And, Mom, you were at that work dinner Saturday night.

- Yes, I was at that work dinner Saturday night.

Exactly.

- Is anybody else at your work sick?

- Why did you go into work on Saturday? And at night?

- Because--nope, gotta go.

Excuse me. - Faker!

- [groans]

- [gags] Never mind.

[coughs]

- And here you were at seven months.

Oh, look at those cute jeans.

Oh, and that cute turtle sweater.

Oh, and those cute booties.

- Having a baby is all about the clothes, isn't it?

- Absolutely not.

It's also about the accessories.

Oh, and here's your first Halloween costume.

"Oops!...I Did It Again"-era Britney.

- Which was also my second Halloween costume,

so that you could make "did it again" jokes.

- Juju-bean, your bio mom sent this for today.

- "With love from New York. Happy Julie-Palooza."

Thanks, B-mom.

Ooh.

Tie-dye. - So cute.

And it's perfect for our themed photoshoot because--

both: We got matching overalls!

- Lydia! Julie!

- How were the peace talks?

- Unsuccessful. But I am determined.

- So, Dimitri, did anyone notice that

Mapleview's two brightest personalities are absent?

- They are not absent.

I saw both Ms. Harrington and Ms. Lawrence.

But unfortunately, Mr. Collins is home sick.

- So no one said anything about us?

- No, but they did send around a card for Mr. Collins.

- Oh. [phone ringing]

I gotta go. Someone named Rob is Facetiming my mom.

Mr. Collins!

Why are you Facetiming my mom's phone?

- Lydia, what a surprise,

and yet totally expected.

- Did you hear I was sick and you were calling to check in

on your leading lady's understudy?

- Y--yes. [chuckles]

Um, I'm so sorry to hear that you're not feeling well.

You know, I should let you get back to your recovery.

Tell your mom I called?

- Sure thing. [call disconnects]

[sighs]

Wait. Mr. Collins is sick too.

What a nice teacher.

[upbeat music]

- And give me a "Charlie's Angels."

- Bat dance.

- I think we got it.

All right, family. - [chuckles]

- Hey, why is my adoption pamphlet here?

It should be with all my other stuff, no?

Wait, this is new.

Why do we have a new adoption pamphlet?

- Juju, we don't have to bring this up today.

- Wait, are you thinking of adopting another kid?

- Well, we've discussed it, yes.

- Why am I only hearing about this now?

- Julie, Dad and I have been talking.

What do you think about having a sibling?

- The foliage is actually beautiful this year, isn't it?

- So I think this is a good time

for us to talk about maybe adding to our family.

- I think you left the stove on.

- Juju, I know you're having a hard time

with this idea of another kid,

so let's talk about it. Open dialogue.

- Um...

I think it's time to discuss

the changes that are happening to my body.

both: OK.

- Nope.

Definitely the first time I'm hearing about this.

- I borrowed your phone, Mom.

Mr. Collins called to check on me.

- Oh, he did, huh?

Ooh. Is anyone feeling a little flush?

- That was nice of him to call,

especially since he's sick too.

I didn't know he had your number.

- Oh, yeah, I, um--

I gave it to him because I'm gonna be doing

some volunteer work at the school,

so I need to talk to him about that, so.

Oh, I am--I'm schvitzing. Should we go outside?

- I thought you said you'd never volunteer again

after that tragic hot dog day.

- You're not getting this, are you?

- Wait.

Are you changing your stance on hot dog distribution?

- She's dating him, you moron. He gave us the flu.

He's patient zero.

- Don't be ridiculous, Melody. She's a mom.

- Oh, Melody's right. I'm dating Mr. Collins.

- Mom?

- Yeah.

- No!

- How long has this been going on for?

- Look, I've been casually seeing Rob for--

- [groans] - Ugh, "Rob."

- Mr. Collins for a few weeks.

I really didn't want you to find out this way, girls.

- So when you went to that work dinner on Saturday night?

- Yeah, that was with Mr. Collins.

Ooh, I feel like I'm catching a bit of a chill now.

- And when you ran out to grab a coffee those three times?

- Mr. Collins.

- And that mysterious new bowling league you just joined?

- I'm honestly surprised it took you this long

to figure this out.

- Frankly, I find this whole thing oppressively hetero.

- OK, Melody, I am heterosexual, you know?

- Ugh, TMI.

- This is so selfish, Mom.

Did you ever think about how your need for affection

would affect me?

- Yeah, but I thought you liked Mr. Collins?

- That's not the point.

He's my drama teacher, the director of the play.

This is a huge conflict of interest.

It all makes sense.

The audition of my lifetime.

I should have been Dorothy.

But Mr. Collins couldn't be seen playing favorites,

so he made me understudy, because of you.

- Lydia, I think you're overreacting.

- I'm always overreacting.

Ask Mr. Collins!

- If anyone cares about my opinion,

never met him, and I don't intend to like him.

- Red alert! Red alert!

Dad and Baba are thinking of adopting another kid.

They're replacing me with a newer, cuter model!

- All red alerts over here too.

Mom is dating Mr. Collins.

I'm being replaced with an older,

more "ruggedly handsome" model.

- I thought you liked Mr. Collins.

- Why does everyone get so hung up on that?

He's my drama teacher.

He can't also be my mom's boyfriend.

It's intrusive. - I wholeheartedly agree.

Why add a fourth to your family

when clearly three is the perfect number?

- Yeah, when has four ever been the ideal number?

Three Stooges, "Three Amigos,"

Three Musketeers.

- Actually, they were a foursome.

[phone ringing] Oh, hey. It's Dimitri.

- Girls, I have good news.

Everyone has realized you are missing

and are worried about you.

- Really? Everyone?

- Yes. And they send well wishes.

I shall pass them along. [messages beeping softly]

[dimitri's voice] Julie and Lydia, it is I,

Addison, the school's most favored girl.

I wish you a restful convalescence.

[phone beeps]

It is I, Chuck,

self-assured North American boy.

I have noticed your absence and yearn for your return.

[phone beeps] It is I, Ursula.

I am a bit strange and I-- [phone beeps]

It is I, Sage [phone beeps]

- [sighs] So much for being noticed.

- The one from Sage was uncanny.

- Juju, it's time to decorate the cake.

- I gotta go.

[quietly] Time to stop my dads from making

the biggest mistake of their lives.

- [quietly] Parents never know what's best for them.

What would they do without us kids?

[call disconnects]

- Oh, you're in a much better mood.

- Yeah, I am.

Feeling ready to start thinking about

adding a new baby to the family.

- Wow. - Well, that's great.

But first, let's decorate your cake.

- Mm, blueberries.

They remind me of your blue onesies

that first year with you. - Aww.

- Shouldn't they really be coffee beans

to represent all those nights of sleep deprivation?

- Oh, I almost forgot that you were a colicky baby.

That was a rough time. - Mm.

- Well, did you know that sleep deprivation is

a form of torture?

But hey, let's let the baby defy the Geneva Convention.

- How about some sprinkles to remember

your second birthday cake? That was a cute one.

- It was a really cute one. Loved that one.

- Remember right after that,

I threw up funfetti in Dad's wig closet.

- Oh, yeah.

Lost a lot of good wigs that day.

- Well, I'm ready for a new little brother or sister.

But are you ready for another baby?

I mean, say goodbye to restaurants, glassware,

electrical outlets.

And say hello to a never-ending game

of "Is It Poop or Chocolate?"

- You know, she might have a point.

I always lose at that game. - [gags]

- Mom dating Mr. Collins is a huge deal.

If they keep dating, I'm never gonna book a role at Mapleview.

What if he moves in?

That means two bathrooms for four people.

Looks like we'll be sharing. - Ew, gross.

What do we do?

- We have Mom's phone.

We could text Mr. Collins, pretending to be her.

- "Hi, Rob.

I'm sorry but we can't continue to see each other.

Goodbye." - Melody, what are you doing?

That's a terrible breakup.

He's gonna hate Mom and then he's gonna take it out on me.

We need to let him down gently.

OK. I have the perfect thing.

"It's not you. You're lovely.

It's just that I've met a Spanish model named Miguel,

and we're moving to Spain."

- That's the worst lie I've ever heard.

- You're just jealous--

- He's responding.

- "Hope you're feeling better, Lydia."

How did he know it was me?

- He didn't fall for your brilliant ruse? Shocker.

- Well, if he won't break up with Mom,

then that leaves me no choice.

- To accept Mom won't let her children dictate her life?

'Cause I know I won't. - No.

To tattle to Principal Larocque.

- Look, Julie, we understand that

you aren't ready for a sibling.

- I mean, where would we even put them?

The guest bedroom? Ridiculous.

- I want you to know we put the brakes on everything.

Called the social worker, canceled the home visit.

- Wait. You were meeting with a social worker?

- We were never going to move forward without your blessing.

- Why do you have to adopt again?

Think about "Grease," "Gremlins," and "Jaws."

Sometimes you just don't need a sequel.

- Actually, "Gremlins 2" is extremely underrated

and a surprisingly subversive entry in the--

- What's wrong with having just me?

Aren't I enough?

- Sweetie, you know what? Let's just forget about it

and get back to Julie-Palooza!

OK? - No.

It's just an opening act for the next Whoever-Palooza.

- Lydia, did you tell Principal Larocque

that I was dating Mr. Collins?

- I recall somebody saying that,

but I don't know that it was me.

- He said that you filed a complaint

against Mr. Collins for anti-favoritism.

You said he discriminated against you

for not giving the lead to his girlfriend's daughter.

So first of all,

did he really call me his girlfriend?

And second of all, that's just ludicrous, Lydia.

- I nailed that audition, Mom.

How else was I supposed to explain it?

It was anti-favoritism. - That's not a word.

And you know what? Whatever.

You don't have to worry about it anymore

'cause I broke up with Rob.

- How do you think Mom's taking it?

- She's fine.

She's a strong, independent woman.

- [whimpers]

- Mom, I know it's hard, but look at the bright side.

You have two incredible, amazing, drama-free daughters,

who bring you so much joy.

- Yeah. Yeah, that's--

sorry.

- I'm starting to think

we shouldn't have called Principal Larocque.

- "We"?

Look, Mom, seriously.

Was this Rob really that big a deal?

- I don't know. Maybe you're right.

It hasn't been that long. It's just--

oh, you know what? He's just a really great guy.

You know, he's really funny. He's so kind.

And it's been a long time since I've met anyone like him.

- Not since Dad, huh?

- Since Dad?

Oh, sweetie, I have been dating.

both: What? When?

- Since like a year after the divorce.

I have a life outside of being your mom, you know.

- This is very disturbing.

- At some point, you're gonna have to accept

that I'm gonna meet somebody else.

- [whimpers softly] - Ugh.

- You know what?

If my girls aren't ready, then I'm not ready.

Because, you know, we Goldblatt girls, we gotta--

we gotta stick together, right, kid?

- [weakly] Mm-hmm.

- Can't be heartbroken when we've got each other, right?

Right?

All right, got some--

got some brie in my eye.

- Thanks a lot, Melody.

Looks like I'm gonna have to fix everything, yet again.

- Did she say she had brie in her eye?

- Juju, the day we brought you home,

Dad and I wrote you a letter.

Can we read it to you again now?

- Well, if you want to read it.

- [clears throat]

[soft music]

"Dear Julie,

we wished on a thousand stars for you, our daughter."

- "Every breath and every heartbeat...

"has new meaning...

"because we get to spend it with you.

"You complete our family.

Love..."

- "Baba." - "And Dad."

No one could ever replace you.

- We thought about how lucky we'd be to love another child

and for them to have you as a sister.

- They'd be really lucky, wouldn't they?

- [chuckles] - They would.

- But I'm not a good sharer.

Does that mean I'm a bad sister?

- No. No. Love grows, Julie.

I mean, my heart grew ten times bigger when I met Baba

and, like, 1,000 times bigger when I met you.

- I don't know why those numbers

are so substantially different, but--OK.

- Sorry I freaked out and ruined Julie-Palooza.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

You couldn't ruin Julie-Palooza.

It's your day.

Speaking of which, we've got some cake to eat.

- OK. But don't expect me to share.

- I appreciate you calling in and clarifying the situation.

- Principle Larocque!

- Heavens to Bieber!

Is that Lydia?

Aren't you sick? - Yes, hence the hazmat.

But I'm gonna make this brief.

After careful consideration,

I've decided I'm withdrawing my complaint on Mr. Collins.

There's no need for a trial.

- Trial? That's not how it works, Lydia.

- He was right to make me understudy.

His decision was based solely on my audition

and not because he's hot for my mom.

There was no discrimination. - OK, uh, TMI.

- He's a good guy and she deserves to be happy.

- Did you hear all that, Ms. Goldblatt?

- Lydia! I thought you were in your room.

- Mom? - Get back home. Now.

- OK, but before I go, do you know

how to go to the bathroom in one of these?

- I do.

One summer I had a job cleaning the inside of septic tanks.

It was the worst summer of my life.

- Lydia, I appreciate you

taking responsibility for your actions.

- Are you gonna marry Mr. Collins?

Because if you are,

I'm a way better maid of honor than Melody is.

- As accurate as that depiction is

of an adult relationship, it's not--

it's not just up to me if we get back together.

[phone buzzing]

[whispers] It's him.

Hi. Hi.

- Elaine, I just heard what Lydia did.

- Oh, yeah. Look, your records have been completely expunged.

I made sure of it. - That's great to hear.

But that's not why I called.

I wanted to thank you for the care package,

aspirin, warm compress,

economy-sized Pepto. [chuckles]

And an apology from your girls.

- How did you get that?

- I also snuck out.

- Where are these hazmat suits coming from?

Look, I'm really sorry about the daughters.

They can-- they can be a bit much.

- I only wish I had two daughters

who would don hazmat suits to help me with my love life.

- [chuckles]

- Elaine, maybe when the stomach flu is over,

and you've regained your appetite,

wanna go for dinner?

- Yeah. Yeah, I do.

Yes. - Yay.

- Yay! - [chuckles]

- But just out of curiosity,

how did your kids get my address?

- You know what? It's a bad connection.

I only-- I think I missed-- I'm gonna have to call--

[stammering]

[laughter]

- And the whole school hopes that you will be back tomorrow.

- Really? The whole school?

- Are you sure they said that, Dimitri?

- I cannot lie to my friends.

The voicemails, they weren't from Addison and the others.

They were from me. - You don't say.

- I saw you were sad, so I made it up.

- So no one missed us?

- Someone did.

I missed you.

- Wow, Dimitri, that's so sweet.

- I'll take quality over quantity any day.

We miss you too. - Thank you.

Now I must go.

The art club and the kiln club have joined forces.

But now they are in conflict with the printmakers.

Farewell. [call disconnects]

- Well, Jules, I guess our experiment kind of failed.

- Looks like we were popular where it counts,

with Dimitri.

So what would you rate this experiment?

- How about four loved ones out of three?

- That sounds good to me.

See ya.

[upbeat music]

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