Original subtitles

- Hey, wait up! - Hey, what's up?

- Hey!

- You know what, Julie, we're making a real difference.

- Are T-shirts really the way to stop bullying?

- Don't worry, we can always rehang it.

Does no one in this school care about kindness?

[sighing]

Of course, they don't.

They care more about Mike Cavalleri...

The most obnoxious kid at Mapleview.

- Ah! - [laughs]

- Oh!

'- Sup, Goldbladder?

[laughter]

- You're a Cavalintwad!

- Cavalintwad?

Not your best work.

- Why does everyone love him so much?

He's obnoxious.

He's a bully.

He thinks wedgies are the highest form of comedy.

Are they laughing because they honestly think he's funny,

or are they just laughing at me?

- Hey.

Whatever it is, we need to investigate why

people actually like this guy.

Mike is popular, and Mike makes people laugh.

- So, by the transitive properties of middle school,

being funny might be what makes you popular?

- Does that mean we have to learn to be funny?

- What do you mean, learn?

I'm a comic genius.

- Are you, though?

- Everyone's a critic.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, yeah

Oh, yeah

- Let's make this quick.

I have to get to Chinese school by 4:30.

- No problem, because this is gonna be

our easiest experiment yet.

Does being a class clown make you popular?

As we all know, I'm hilarious.

- We all?

- Comedy is subjective.

I'm not gonna simplify it for the masses,

no matter what Headgear Henry has to say.

- But shouldn't we try to do something

that everyone finds funny?

- I suppose you're right.

If we want to be Mapleview comedy legends,

we need to pick a lane.

There's prop comedy, like smashing a watermelon.

- Pass.

- Yeah, you're right, it's not melon season.

We could start our own late-night show?

- Why bother?

Network TV is dead.

Stand-up comedy?

- Ugh, too hard.

- Sit-down comedy?

- It's not the standing that's the hard part.

- We could take a 12-week improv course.

- No. No, no.

There has to be something quicker and less annoying.

- I know a shortcut to cheap, easy laughs.

Best of all, it's, like, my Cavalleri

specialty, insult comedy.

- We could totally be insult comedians!

Melody's always telling me how I'm

an insult to middle schoolers everywhere!

Step one--

- Ay-o!

- Woot-woot!

- Ba-doom-cha!

[school bell rings]

I'm sorry, Mrs. Wan, I can't remember it.

- I'm more interested in NYU Fine Arts.

- Mrs. Wan, I don't know how to speak Mandarin.

[speaking mandarin]

[water running]

- Dad, I need to tell you something.

It's a little sensitive.

- Oh.

Wow!

OK.

You tell yourself you're gonna be ready for it,

but you never are.

Um, your body is going through some changes--

- No, Dad, not that!

I want to quit Chinese school.

- Oh, no.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

That is-- that is way worse!

- How is this worse?

- Jules, it's important to have a connection to your culture--

I assume.

I don't really have a culture myself.

- What about all those Britney Spears albums

you forced me to listen to?

- OK, "Oops!

I Did It Again" is a very important

part of your history.

But it's not exactly the same.

Just, please, reconsider.

And whatever you do, don't tell Baba what you told me.

- You think he'd mind that much?

- You know what he's like when he's angry.

- Yum, yum, yum in my tum, tum, tum

- See?

He's terrifying.

- Mmm!

Mmm!

[horn blaring]

- Tomorrow is our pink shirt day assembly,

as part of anti-bullying week.

Let your kindness be contagious.

That's pretty catchy.

Leah, can you get me my little book of lyrics?

It's got a Hello Kitty sticker on it!

[school bell rings]

- It's beautiful!

- OK, class, settle down.

Settle down.

As part of anti-bullying awareness

week, we'll be talking about ways

to stop a bully in their tracks,

like a landlord who insists you pay a cleaning fee.

Does anyone have any ideas, specifically

about my landlord?

But general comments works too.

- Oh, if you see something, say--

- If you see a klutz, say he's a klutz.

[laughter]

- Thank you, Lydia.

That is very kind.

- What are you doing?

- Do you maybe want to put some of your extra stuff

in your locker?

- Yeah, you really should.

Hope you have a nice--

- Whoa!

- --trip.

[laughter]

- Whoa! - Ohh.

- Wait up.

- I'm partial to chair wedges.

You hook the waistband to the top of the seat.

- Have you ever tried an atomic wedgie?

Waistband over the head!

- Not yet, but no time like the present!

Come here!

- What is happening right now?

- No idea, but if you embarrassed me like that,

I'd be furious.

I'm not joking around with you five minutes later!

[light music]

Have we been underestimating Mike?

Is he some sort of comic genius?

- He's being mean!

Jaime's self-conscious about being a klutz,

and Mike's just targeting his insecurity.

- Then why is everyone laughing at it?

- I guess because of grade two, that

time he fell off the jungle gym four times in the same recess.

- Just like how everyone remembers why

Mike calls you "Goldbladder."

[chuckling]

- We promised never to speak of the incident.

- But comedy is pain.

So if we have to master it, we have to delve into our most

painful experiences.

- I hate when you use my own data against me.

But you have a point.

Grade three, field trip, a long, long bus ride.

For the life of me, I can't understand why my mom packed

so many extra juice boxes.

And that rain, just relentless.

Not to mention, everyone kept singing that song over,

and over, and over again.

I can still hear their voices.

- Up above the world so high

- Goldbladder!

[laughter]

- I know!

- That day, I was dubbed "Goldbladder,"

and I'll have to live with that for the rest of my life.

- Oh, my gosh!

- Maybe we found the target to practice our experiment?

So let's figure out Mike's greatest shame.

- Right.

We need to pry through his life and find

Mike's pee-stained pants!

I didn't know Chuck was gonna be here.

[upbeat music]

Right. Mike.

Mike.

Mike.

Why doesn't Mike seem all that interested

in actually playing?

Mike isn't nearly as attractive as his brother, Chuck.

I mean, cool and nice.

His dad and Chuck seem annoyed.

[baby crying]

Holy schnickeys, Mike is terrible at basketball!

And Chuck is-- no, stay on course, Lydia.

- So, how was the stakeout?

- As they say in basketball, a home run!

- Um-- Well, show me what you got, Mary Seinfeld.

- I don't know what stinks more, you or your jump shot.

- Eh. - What's that?

I couldn't hear you over the sound of your brother

being better than you at basketball!

- Oh!

- You couldn't drive to the net without Googling

the directions! - [laughs]

- You lay more bricks than a masonry subcontractor.

- I don't get that one.

- The only thing you've ever dunked is a donut!

- Good morning, everyone.

Principal LaRocque won't be in this morning.

Minor DJing accident, OK?

But he did pass along this.

[horn blaring]

OK?

As we all know, it is pink shirt day today.

- Boring!

- Shh!

- We want to celebrate kindness and reward kindness

with an actual reward.

Do you see what I did there?

OK.

So, this year's recipient of the kindness award is--

Does he actually want me to say it like--

OK.

Ly-- Ly-- Ly-- Lydia Goldblatt!

[horn blaring]

- Yeah, Lydia!

- Come up here, Lydia.

- That's my best friend!

Go, Lydia! Whoo!

- Um--

- Well, come on, Goldbladder!

Let it flow!

[laughter]

- Whatever you say, Mike Cavallairball.

[horn blaring]

- (LAUGHING) Oh!

- Maybe don't touch that.

- You ever seen this guy play basketball?

Travels so much, they won't let him on the court

without a tourist visa.

- Oh!

- You know, it's alley-oop, Mike, not alley,

oops, I embarrassed myself.

[laughter]

How many Mikes does it take to hit a free throw?

We will literally never know. - Ooh.

- Mike is terrible at passing, which isn't surprising,

considering his GPA.

[laughter]

You're the LeBron James of being unathletic.

Your defense is like my Bubby's bladder, weak.

- Oh!

- What's that?

The sound of you being an athletic disappointment,

another reason why your dad will never be proud of you.

- Oh!

Oh!

- And that's my time.

Tip your waitresses.

Thank you, Mapleview Middle!

Good night!

- Yeah!

That's my best friend! I know her!

Yeah, Lydia!

- Whoo!

[applause]

- A reminder that pink shirt day

is about standing up to bullies, not celebrating them.

[light music]

- Oh!

- Ah!

- I can't believe it.

Mike got what was coming to him.

You stood up to your bully!

You're amazing.

- Thanks, I guess.

- Hey, what's up, queen of comedy?

- Huh.

Maybe being a class clown is the secret to popularity.

Not to mention the perfect tool to exact revenge

on your bullies.

Huh.

[speaking mandarin]

- Whatever you say, Ms. Won-Airball.

- The only basket you've ever made--

Wait, does this even make sense?

- Julie, stick up for yourself, jeez!

- Chuck, hi!

How are--

- Lydia, I've been looking for you.

Look, this is awkward--

- Actually, I'm always like this.

- --but I came here to ask you, can you lay off my brother?

- I'm sorry, what?

- You know, in the spirit of pink shirt day yesterday,

just stop bullying him?

- Me, bully Mike?

I think you have it the wrong way around.

- I get it, Mike is annoying, and--

--can be a little rude sometimes.

- Sometimes?

He's been calling me "Goldbladder"

for four straight years.

- He calls me "Cavaloser," even though that's his name.

- What a dolt!

Why does he do that?

- I guess because, well, he thinks it makes him popular.

- Oh.

- But that doesn't make it right, obviously.

- Yeah.

- But it's also not OK that you make fun of him

like that as part of your Netflix comedy special,

or whatever that was.

- You think I have enough material

for a one-hour special?

I was thinking--

- The thing about Mike is that he can dish it out,

but he can't take it.

He's not as cool as you, Lydia.

If I tell Mike to stop, would you lay off of him?

- Yeah.

- Thanks, Goldblatt. I owe you one.

- Being a class clown totally worked.

That roast was fire!

- But I don't want to be an insult comic

if it means I have to--

- Insult people?

- Bully people.

I think we did this all wrong.

Do we have to start over and take an improv class?

Because I'll do it.

I'll be that annoying.

- I didn't realize you found a recipe

for tasteless chicken penne.

- Oh, amazing how you care so much

about the taste of your food, but when it

comes to your music choices--

- Don't you dare!

Don't you dare make fun of Britney Spears!

- Why does it seem OK when they do it?

Is it because I didn't hug and kiss Mike?

Because that's not happening.

- I don't know.

Maybe Mike and Jaime make fun of each other

because they don't know how else to express themselves.

- Why can't they just say the things they feel?

- You're absolutely right.

- I thought we were still on my thing, but, OK.

- Dad.

I need to talk to Baba alone.

Hey.

- What's up, sweetie?

- There's something I need to say.

I want to quit Chinese school.

- Excuse me?

- Oh, gosh, you hate me.

- I honestly don't know what you said.

Sometimes you blurt talk when you're nervous.

- I want to quit Chinese school.

It's the only place that makes me feel stupid.

It's like they're speaking a whole other language.

- They are.

- I know it's important to have a connection to our culture,

but I just can't do it anymore.

- Oh, come here.

Look, you don't have to keep doing something

if it makes you this unhappy.

- So, I'm not letting you down?

- Are you kidding?

I quit when I was your age.

I wish I'd done it sooner.

I'm still scarred by Mrs. Wan.

- You had Mrs. Wan too?

- Mm-hmm.

- Is she, like, 100?

- We called her the "wrath of Wan."

- To her face?

- Of course not.

I kind of wish I did.

- Hmm. - Oh.

- Thanks for nothing, wrath of Wan!

- [laughs]

- I have student quit on me for 30 years,

and this is the best one yet!

- Wait, you're not mad?

- Are you kidding?

You should have quit three years ago!

[speaking mandarin]

[laughs]

- Ah!

Coming for more material?

What are you gonna make fun of next?

- I came to apologize, Mike.

I'm sorry.

I want to make you feel better about what I did.

I know being a class clown is kind of your only outlet.

- What does that mean?

- Well, you're not good at school--

- What?

- You're clearly not good at sports.

- Hey!

- Making jokes, it's all you have.

- Why are you still ripping on me?

- I was wrong to hurt your feelings just to get a laugh.

- OK.

Thanks, I guess.

- But I have to tell you how I feel, too.

When you call me "Goldbladder," it really hurts my feelings.

- Oh.

I didn't know.

I thought you were laughing along with me.

- Why would you assume that?

- Headgear Henry, Jaime, everyone else does.

But if you want me to stop, then I will.

Truce? - Truce.

[sighs]

Wait-- - This feels so wrong!

- This doesn't feel right either.

- Maybe making light fun of each other

is kind of our thing.

- OK, hear me out.

One thing I've learned from all this

is that an insult is only funny when it comes

from a place of affection.

- Whoa!

That's, like, deep, man!

- A joke's only funny if we're both laughing.

- Seriously, you should put those on T-shirts!

- I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think we have to become friends

in order to stay nemeses.

- Whatever you say, Goldbladder.

- Right back at you, Cavalintwad.

- Oh, come on!

Cavaloser was just sitting right there!

- You know what else is sitting right here?

- Ooh!

Atomic wedgie!

The holy grail!

- Mm.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm. - Mm.

- Mm-hmm.

- You know what I just realized?

If we both quit Mrs. Wan's class,

it's kind of like our own unique family tradition.

- Giving up, a Chang family custom that spans generations.

- But I still want to find some way to stay

connected to our culture.

- If you really want, I can teach you how to make bao.

- Really?

That'd be so cool!

- I mean, I can Google it.

Nainai never taught me.

- Did she also never teach you how to play Mahjong?

- How can you tell?

- You're just stacking random tiles.

- That's what you're doing too.

- Obviously.

I can't believe it, but becoming a class clown

actually worked.

You were a regular Joan Rivers!

- Sure, but it wasn't for me.

Getting a laugh isn't worth it if it ruins someone's day.

- Amen.

So, on the patented Julie-Lydia rating scale,

what do we give this experiment?

- Two airballs out of five.

- We really need to standardize our rating system.

- Honestly, I think it's working.

[upbeat music]

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