Original subtitles

- I know we're all excited about the long weekend,

but you're still here for a few more minutes,

even if we have a four-hour massage scheduled.

[sighs] So back to the variables.

If 6 equals 2 and Y is 2, then all y's must be Y's.

- So are you for real going to Paris this weekend?

- Yeah.

My aunt has a pied- -terre in the 6th arrondissement.

Nothing big.

It overlooks Luxembourg Palace, which is kind of cool, I guess.

What about you?

- Chuck has a basketball tournament in Sudbury,

which is cool since we're getting separate hotel rooms,

because in the middle of the night,

I'm going to order 100 cheeseburgers

to his hotel room.

- Where are you girls going this weekend?

- Uh-- - My house or her house.

- Yeah. [laughs]

We don't have any travel plans at this current moment.

- Sounds boring.

But it's Goldbladder, so I'm not surprised.

- Addison's going to Paris,

and Mike gets to prank his brother

from the luxury of his own hotel room?

Are we the only ones staying here this weekend?

- No, I'm getting my wisdom teeth out.

- Oh.

Sorry, that sucks.

- No, it's okay.

I get to eat ice cream for every meal.

I'm kind of excited.

- Oh. - It's going to be awesome.

[school bell rings]

- Ugh, I can't believe our weekend's going to be

worse than dental surgery.

- Yeah, I've never been so mad about having perfect teeth.

- Hey, Lydia!

[voice muffled] Have you seen Mike?

[heart pounding]

[soft music]

- What?

- Chuck just asked if we've seen Mike.

- Mike?

- Blondish hair, annoying laugh,

Denis-the-Menace vibe but, you know, just more annoying.

- Oh, no, I haven't seen him since Chuck--

I mean math.

- Hey, Lydia!

Hiya! It's your mommy.

- Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- Wow, did they make those hallways longer

since the last time I got here or what?

Oh, aren't you a cutie patootie?

- Mom!

- Have a great weekend.

- See ya. - Bye.

Mom, what are you doing here? You're the worst!

- Oh, I'm here to pick you up because, surprise,

we're going away on a joint Goldblatt-Graham-Chang

family vacay.

[both screaming, laughing]

- Oh, my God, have I told you

you're the best mom ever lately?

- Uh, no, actually, but I'm readily available

for any and all future compliments.

- Uhh. - Hmm.

- Um-- - Um--

[upbeat music]

- Ooh, maybe we're going to New York!

- By car? I doubt it.

Baba gets carsick if the ride is over three hours.

Montreal?

- Well, the Goldblatts are a French toast-friendly family.

- Yep.

As long as we pack the antacids for Baba.

- And we can't forget our research materials,

because we've just been presented

with a very unique opportunity.

[curious music]

We were jealous of the epic weekends

Addison and Mike had planned. - Yep.

We were even jealous

of Headgear Henry's dental surgery.

- Exactly-- and studies have shown

that Fear Of Missing Out, otherwise known as FOMO,

can lead to feelings of inferiority.

Therefore--

- Does making people jealous of your awesome trip

make you popular?

- Well, guess we're going to find out.

Oh, maybe we're getting

one of those floating villas in the Maldives.

- Don't get your hopes up too high, Lydia.

- Julie! Your dads are here!

- It's a vacation, Jules. How bad can it be?

[lighthearted music]

- Ta-da!

Okay.

Hey, welcome to Sun Spring Falls.

I used to love it here as a kid.

I hope you do too.

So everyone, grab a partner and a tent.

Let's go. - Okay.

Okay, tent partner. - What?

No way I'm sharing a tent with anyone,

especially not my mother.

- But this is our chance to bond,

like when you were first born and I held you

for 43 hours straight, against the doctor's protest.

- I'll just risk getting eaten by a bear and sleep outside.

- What?

I'm worse than a hungry bear?

Is that what you're saying?

- Aren't we all just doing that anyway?

Waiting for nature to claim us?

- Babe, you didn't have to come.

- No, no.

Um, this'll be great.

You love camping, and maybe by the end of the weekend,

I will too.

- Aw, so sweet.

Hey, let's go find those sleeping bags you packed.

- Right.

Sleep--sleeping bags that I-- that I definitely packed.

- Yeah, let's get them. They're obviously in the car.

- [sighs]

Ugh, this is a disaster!

- [exhales] Yeah.

Dad's talked about this place a thousand times.

I thought it was just a story he made up

to scare me into being good.

- What are we going to do about the experiment?

This place isn't going to make people jealous.

We need to be taking pictures of majestic fountains

and expensive cars, not tents that smell like--

what even is that, anyway?

- Ugh, disappointment?

We should just plug our noses and pretend it doesn't exist.

- Pretend. That's it.

We can fake pictures to make it look like our trip

was somewhere else.

- How do we do that?

- Well, we're going to need to get creative.

And we're going to need your dad's phone.

I'd suggest my mom's, but we'd have to surgically

remove it from her ear.

[phone rings]

- No, Jared, I said hold all my calls.

That included you.

Maria's question can wait until I'm back in town.

Maria, hi. [laughs]

I didn't know you were also on the phone.

That's a fun surprise. Yeah.

[laughs] Oh, no, I was kidding, of course,

because I was just about to send it.

Okay. Good stuff.

Talk soon.

Ugh.

- I thought you said you were unplugging this weekend.

- I am.

But thanks to Jared, I just have one email to send.

I just need a-- I need a signal.

- You do know how the internet works, right?

- Okay, I know. I know I've been working a lot.

- Yeah, your absence has been much appreciated.

- Hey, it's important to me to make time for my family.

And the most important job for me is to be a mom.

And my job as a mother, that's easily one of--

[phone rings]

Jared? Shh!

No. No, I still don't have it.

Listen, I've received PDFs by courier pigeon

faster than this.

- [sighs] I don't think it was a good idea for me

to give my phone to the girls. - Mm?

- They may never leave that tent.

- There.

- Uh.

I don't think this is going to cut it blanket-wise, hon.

It gets pretty cold out here at night.

- [sighs] It'll be fine.

Camping is all about using unconventional things

as basic survival tools.

- Really? - Yeah.

- Well, if you say so, Bear Grylls.

- Worst case scenario, we freeze to death.

We can be warm in the afterlife.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Who wants pizza poppers?

Huh?

- You brought a toaster oven-- - Uh-huh.

- But no blankets.

- Uh--

- Question--where were you planning on plugging it in?

- Oh, good question. Where is the outlet?

- [scoffs]

- What?

[owl hoots]

- Let's try another one.

- Uh, maybe we could tell people

we stayed in a trendy cave?

- This isn't working.

We'll use the moon.

Nature's Ring light.

[thunder booms]

- [groans]

- Good morning, campers!

How about that rain, huh?

How'd you sleep?

[both growling]

Oh.

Ah?

I told you there are no showers here.

- [groans]

- Hey, good morning, everyone!

Whoa! [laughs]

I couldn't get comfortable last night,

so I slept in the van.

- That must have been nice.

- Well, good news is, okay, now all my work's done,

so we can start cultivating emotional interaction, huh?

[phone rings] Hi, Maria.

- [scoffs] - Yes?

Jared hasn't got back to you?

Okay. No, he's the best, 100%.

- So what do you girls want to get up to today?

We've got Frisbee, tree climbing,

help me make lunch for everyone.

- Kind of got our hands full here, James.

- Okay, maybe not.

Look, why don't you go explore the campground, you know?

Enjoy the great outdoors.

Take mental pictures so you can remember this trip--

- Pictures. Pictures!

- We're borrowing your phone again, Dad, thanks!

- Uh, but be back for lunch, please!

- Hon, do we have any more hand sanitizer?

I used the rest as body wash.

[upbeat music]

- I don't know.

Tried to make things nice.

- Oh. No. - Nope.

- Uh-uh. - Uh-uh.

- Ugh, why did my dads pick a location

with literally no photo ops?

- I don't know.

But as a wise person once said,

if at first you don't succeed, try again.

We need to take as many pictures as we can

before we have to get back.

both: Photo shoot!

- I'm thinking

- Go behind the tree. Pop out.

The tree's neat.

- You're hilarious.

- Aw, thanks. - Oh, my gosh.

- A little less "sad girl autumn"

and a little more "excited girl summer."

Come on, Julie.

- How do I look? It's a mud mask.

- Say "spa!" - "Charlie's Angels."

Yes. Love it.

Pose, pose.

- Raise it up to the sun and look at it.

Yeah, love it.

- Ant hill. Ant hill! We're on an ant hill!

Just a nice relaxing day at the spa--

ah!

- What's wrong? - It burns!

Get it off! Get it off!

[screams]

Are there any good ones?

- This one's kind of cute if you squint your eyes--

and then close them completely.

- Aren't kids your age supposed to be--

[both scream] Whoa. Ooh, sorry.

My bad. I didn't mean to scare you.

I guess years of staying perfectly still

in the wild has paid off.

- In what way?

- Element of surprise.

Anyhoot, if you want to take a good pic,

you should head up to Mount Caldon.

- Mount Caldon? What's that?

- Oh, it's that hiking trail just up there.

Yeah, breathtaking vista from every corner up there.

Seriously, I have never seen a bad picture taken.

Truly. Once-in-a-lifetime views.

[sighs]

Unfortunately, the trail's closed.

- What? Why?

- Rockslide warning.

Yeah, but don't you be scared.

Warnings are usually just false.

It's like a safety protocol thing.

- It's kind of moot to bring up something we can't see.

- Huh!

It is, isn't it?

Anyway, maybe next time. Have a great day, folks.

- What?

- Didn't you hear?

Breathtaking views?

- Didn't you hear?

Rockslide warning.

- That are mostly false.

Come on, Jules, this is our chance

to make the experiment work.

Oh. Sorry.

- It's itchy. - Sorry, I forgot.

- Trying not to touch it. It was working.

- Sorry!

- Okay.

It's time to make like a Shania!

Let's go, girls. [chuckles]

Jules, I gotta say, I'm so excited

to see you thriving out here.

I never would have expected you to suggest a trail.

- What can I say? I love to walk uphill.

- Hmm. Hey, don't forget the cooler.

[camera shutter snapping]

Julie.

- Oh, that one's cute. What is that?

- Don't forget it. Julie?

[laughter]

Hello? Earth to--

- Oh, yeah, yeah, I got it.

[giggling]

- You know, I'd started to lose hope there

for a second, Jules, but now we're going to get

the ultimate photo op.

- Nature.

Who knew it could be good for something?

- Hey. Slow down, Mel.

You know it's been, like, 16 years

since I've done cardio.

We should probably just wait for the others.

- You should do that. Have fun.

- I can't tell if this is one of those

"you're mad at me specifically" moments

or just "you're mad at everyone."

- I'm not mad!

- Okay, she said, actively being mad.

Hi.

How are you?

You know? How's school?

Come on, we haven't talked in a while.

[phone buzzes]

- Gee, I wonder what could possibly be preventing us

from having a conversation?

- Honey, I'm sorry, I just--

come back.

I am on a hike. Period.

I will call when I am back in town.

Period.

Good to go on next phase.

Send. [notification whooshes]

No, not "raise," "phase!"

Jared, you are not getting a raise!

Jared!

[quirky music]

- Ugh. Oh.

That is the Nymphaea odorata,

also known as the white water lily.

- Ayah! Why are there so many bugs?

- Uh, I'm going to go with because we're outside.

Didn't you bring spray?

- I did.

[spritzing]

- Hey, what is that?

- Lay de Bubl�?

Want some? - Oh, no.

Babe, that's just going to attract more bugs!

- No, no, no, no. - Ugh.

At least they'll know what fabulous smells like.

Hey, girls. Try to keep up!

A united pack is a happy pack!

- Ugh, we've been hiking forever!

How long has it been?

- 15 minutes.

- [sighs] This breathtaking view better be worth it.

[bird cawing]

- Oh, look. A falcon.

- An eagle would've been more picturesque,

but we gotta work with what we've got.

[phone chimes]

Mom!

Oh, come on!

If we didn't get a picture of the magical moment,

did it even exist?

Eww!

[whines]

- What? Now we have proof it existed.

And don't worry.

Uh, getting pooped on is good luck.

- [groaning, muttering]

Oh, my back. Oh, oh.

Whoever wrote "Ain't No Mountain High Enough"

never hiked this one.

- This is a good stop for a break, yeah?

- Okay. Good call. We can stop for a second.

Jules, uh, grab me the cooler.

- So, ahem, what if, hypothetically--

[all groaning]

- I asked you to grab it on our way out.

- I'm sorry.

I was distracted.

- You know what? Let's just go back.

How about that?

- I have emergency chips in the van.

- No! - Bingo.

- Wait, we should keep going.

I mean, we hiked all this way.

- You want to keep going?

- Yeah, we're so close.

You two are always saying quitting isn't an option.

- Yeah, about your chores, not doom hikes.

- I saw a sign back on the trail.

It said we were only, like, another kilometer

or something. - You heard the girls.

We can do this, gang. Come on.

It's not that much further.

Rally ho!

- Great! [laughs]

- Is the whole thing about the sign true?

- Not exactly, but it's in nature's hands now.

- Oh, Lydia.

- If I get a signal, I can call--

- Ugh, I hate nature.

- And nature hates us.

- Uh-oh. Shh.

- Julie! - Oh, they're coming.

They're coming.

- Lydia!

- [laughing nervously]

- [grunting]

- Hi.

- Hey, guys. [chuckles]

- There you are.

I've never seen you move so fast.

What, are they giving away free tickets to "Hamilton"

at the top or something? - [laughs]

No, just a hunger for hiking over here.

- Okay.

- Yep, we're super close to the top.

- Oh, thank goodness.

- Don't forget your sweater, Lydia.

- Oh, that's not mine!

- "Trail closed"?

- Oh, weird.

Trail's closed?

That's news to us.

- I wonder why it's closed. - Huh.

- Probably not a rockslide warning.

- Wait, what?

Who said anything about a rockslide warning?

- Mm.

- Okay, there may have been a rockslide warning.

But it was just a warning.

- Julie Graham-Chang.

- How could you be so thoughtless, Lydia?

- Thoughtless, me?

What about you?

If you were any less present, you'd be a literal ghost!

- That I agree with.

- You always take Mom's side!

Sorry, I just realized what you said.

Thank you.

- Okay, but just because Mom is the worst

doesn't mean you're off the hook

for trying to get us all killed.

[phone rings]

Oh, perfect timing. - Enough.

- Oh, am I interrupting bonding time with your phone?

You're the one who wanted to be here,

and you've barely said two words to us.

- Hey, take it easy on your mom.

- That was so stupid!

[all yelling]

- Enough!

[panting]

I was so looking forward to this.

My favorite place with my favorite people,

and all you've done is just complain

and stare at your phone.

My phone. In fact, hand it over.

- Uh-huh.

- You know, you might have actually enjoyed yourselves

if you weren't trying so hard to look like

you were enjoying yourselves.

And Alex, honey, that was the worst

packing job I've ever seen.

And I'm including the time you packed us one pair of shorts

for our trip to Bermuda.

- That was an oversight.

- And Elaine.

Come on.

Just fire Jared already!

Relax.

Spend time with your kids.

And Melody.

Melody--

actually, you've been fine.

We should do this again sometime.

- Totally. - Huh.

Right on. [laughs]

[rumbling]

- Wow. Hungry much, Mel?

- That wasn't me.

- Quick, quick!

Everybody huddle! Huddle! Huddle!

Keep back from the edge!

[rocks crashing]

Keep back from the ledge!

[all yelling]

- I got you.

[tense music]

[panting, coughing]

Okay. - Okay, okay.

Is everyone okay?

- Yeah, I think so.

You two okay? Okay.

- [grunts] Baba, I'm okay.

- I'm not. That was terrifying.

- You can let go now. - Okay.

- Dad, I'm so sorry.

I was selfish and stupid.

I promise I'm never looking at another phone screen again.

- It's okay, Julie.

I just wanted you to have fun, that's all.

- This place is really beautiful, Mr. Graham.

Just as nice as Paris or a hotel chain in Sudbury.

[laughter]

- I'm sorry I complained so much,

and that I packed as though we were starting

a small business in the woods.

I promise I'll never agree to go camping again.

- Okay, well, at least you're being honest.

But hey, if we're having a bad time,

at least we're having a bad time together, right?

[laughter]

- I'm really sorry, girls.

Oh, I really wanted this weekend

to be about us spending time together,

and I really messed that up.

Sorry.

[phone ringing]

No. No, no, no.

No, relax. Check this.

- Oh! - Whoa.

- Work can wait. Huh?

- It's only about 30 feet away. - Nah, it's gone.

It's gone. - Stay where you are!

Help is on its way!

- Well, the experiment failed.

But we didn't die, so that's good.

- Who wants a breathtaking view anyway?

I'll take breath-having any day.

- Let's take a selfie.

- Ugh. - Really?

- Seriously, Dad? - Yeah.

Well, we've got to remember our brush with death, right?

[laughter]

Okay, everyone say, "We survived."

all: We survived!

[heartwarming music]

- What a great long weekend, am I right?

Your assignment for today is, I don't know,

write about how numbers make you feel.

- So how was Paris?

- C'�tait amusant!

It was fun.

How was Sudbury? - Sick.

Some kid puked while doing a layup.

It was awesome.

- How was your weekend, girls?

- Actually, it's kind of a wild story.

- Who wants ice cream?

[chairs clatter]

- Thanks, Henry! - Hey!

- Yes.

[indistinct chatter]

- Henry and his stupid ice cream.

[uplifting music]

- So spending your vacation chasing jealousy

doesn't really make that vacation any more enjoyable.

- But it does increase your chance of certain death,

which is why I give this experiment

1 rockslide out of 10.

- One rockslide is enough.

My stomach's still in knots.

- Yeah, good call on the antacids.

- [chuckles]

[uplifting music]

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