Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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Diane: Hey, Marla. My cleaning service flaked,

so I can't make it.

Yeah, it's been a big ol' shit show.

I had people checking in to units that weren't clean,

and now I'm here with a vacuum.

No. No. You stay. I'm fine. You know, I got my music.

It's -- It's kind of relaxing. Okay, now. Bye-bye.

Hi. Can I help you?

Woman: Yes. I'm having a little bit of car trouble.

These steep mountain roads.

They got me stuck.

Can I borrow your phone?

Diane: My phone? Don't you have a cellphone?

It -- It died.

Guess this just ain't my day.

Oh. This here is my son.

Diane: Wait. What are you -- No, you can't --

No! What are you -- You can't come in here!

Gibbons: Diane Hamby. She's the first one to die.

This guy did it.

That is fucked up.

Yeah, that's just the beginning of the fucked up.

That log matches the one

that killed the couple in the car.

I think he used it as a weapon.

But in the 911 call, it said that the log

was flying by itself.

Ha! I'll let you know if I see a flying log, Chief.

Yeah. I just started watching it.

Yeah. There's one there.

Alright. You're digitizing this, right?

Not yet. I don't have the right cables.

Well, you better get your ass over to Best Buy, then,

cause you're digitizing this tonight.

Oh, come on, Chief. I got trivia.

The FBI will be here in the morning,

and I just know they're gonna take over this case,

and I want my own copy.

You understand? Yes, Chief.

Alright.

Oh, by the way, uh, the couple in the car.

The girl. Yeah. She's still alive.

What? Yeah.

Her face looked like bone chili.

Oh, well, that was her boyfriend's skull matter.

Turns out that she fell underneath the steering wheel,

and that protected her, so...

Not sure I'd want to be alive after that.

Wait. Hold on. Okay. I'm ready.

Yes!

Looks like this city girl

finally learned how to throw a lasso.

Right next to this cozy yule log.

There's just one problem.

Mistletoe. Turn it off.

Oh, I don't consider that a problem.

Turn it off! Turn it off!

Turn it off! Turn it off!

You know, you should give those movies a chance.

They're cheesy, but they make you feel good.

Where is Alex?

Let me get the doctor.

Is he still alive?

I'll get the doctor.

Alex? Alex?!

Beth: Thanks for letting us stay.

- Oh. No problem. - You don't have to thank them.

We're paying for it, too.

We shouldn't have to pay anything

'cause the host fucked up, right?

We're gonna figure it out in the morning.

Ben: So is there any room off limits?

Yeah, actually, our room has our luggage in it, so it's...

Ben: This one has the hot tub.

Holly: Speaking of which...

let's hot tub!

Gibbons: Oh, hell yeah. Now we're talking.

Okay. Whoo!

Beth: Excuse me. You're not gonna come?

The door's open!

Just come in! Beth: Okay.

Ben: You don't know what's been in there.

I'm gonna take a...

Just hang on.

Holly: Do you two want to hot tub?

Gibbons: I'm coming! Hold your horses!

Alex: Uh, why not?

Hello?

Hello?!

What the fuck is that?

Who's there?!

Come out! I have a gun!

No! No! Fuck that.

What the...

Fuck!

Nice loggy. No. I love trees. I never cut trees.

I don't even use fucking paper.

Help! Help!

Uh...fuck.

Hey, hey. Whoa. Here's some fentanyl. Yeah.

Holidays are stressful, you fucker!

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Now we're talkin'.

Ooh. Fuck yeah. I see that.

Ooh, shit!

Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm.

Yeah ha ha!

Yeah, baby!

Hey! Hey, Mr. Loggy! You know what this is?

Ha! It's a chainsaw.

Whoo-hoo! Oh, yeah. You better hide!

'Cause I'm gonna whip your wooden ass!

No! No!

No. No What are you fucking doing, you stupid log?!

No! You fucker! No!

I told her to stay home

at least until after the holidays.

But she was stubborn.

And what's with the axe?

Oh. Here she comes.

Thank you, everybody. It's really good to be back.

I just want to get in the work.

Want to get really lost in the work.

Just as long as everyone knows

it's not me cracking the whip.

I don't mind donating a million,

but I do mind donating a million

to lobby the government and then nothing happens.

Obviously, world governments have been slow,

but there are steps that private entities can take,

like growing coral in nurseries

that we then reintroduce into the wild.

Ahh. So colorful.

Coral is just beautiful, isn't it?

I think we have a deal.

Hold on a sec. I'll get my checkbook.

Oh, my God! Look out!

It's gonna murder us all! It's gonna murder us all!

No!

- What's going on here? - Zoe: It's gonna murder us all.

I think it's an issue with the connection.

We'll call you right back. What's happ--

Oh, my God. Why aren't you guys hiding?!

Man: She just freaked out right in front of a donor.

Oh, wait. Here she comes.

What do you mean the case is closed?!

The killer used a log on you and your fiancé.

Then he went back to the cabin and died in the fire.

That's not at all what happened!

The log flew, okay?! It's all on tape!

The tape has been destroyed, unfortunately.

Yeah, 'cause you're trying to fucking cover it up.

What about the alien -- the alien body

and -- and the giant UFO?!

We didn't find anything, and neither did the FBI.

Okay. What about Holly? I-I think she survived.

She saw something, for sure!

I suggest you get help.

That's what I'm trying to get!

Hello?

What the...

Who is it?

You can see it's me.

Are you alone?

Don't rub it in.

Fuck them.

You're the best thing that ever happened to Coral.

Not too much. I'm on painkillers.

I just don't know how I'm gonna survive the holidays.

It's not easy.

That Yule Log wants to kill me.

It's gonna find a way!

I just feel like I'm trapped in a horror movie

that I can't get out of.

Zoe, you have been in a horror movie,

which is why you need a reset.

Move to a new movie.

Something warm and fuzzy. Like a Hallmark movie.

No. No Hallmark. Too Christmasy.

Okay, okay. How about...this?

Mexico!

Just sun and beach and sexy pool boys.

No fireplaces!

Just an open bar.

I can bring my axe?

Uh-huh...

How much is it?

I'm hitting "buy." No!

I'm hitting "buy," Aah! No! Wait! No!

Whoop! Too late. It's done.

I see a tree.

That's a palm tree. And I'm gonna bop you.

Ooh! They have three infinity pools.

♪ Deejay, drop the beat ♪

Both: ♪ Yo, let's get this party started ♪

♪ This right here ain't for the weak-hearted ♪

♪ The house on fire, the beat on point ♪

♪ Let's raise the roof up, blow this joint ♪

- ♪ Party ♪ - ♪ It goes on and on ♪

♪ Till the break of dawn ♪

♪ Come on, come on, party ♪

♪ Deejay, drop the beat ♪

Aww. Look. Isn't that cute? "Mistletoe."

Gross.

See?! This -- This is how we die!

No, no. Zoe, friend, okay...

We're flipping the script. We're manifesting.

The tow-truck driver is gonna be

a 300-pound psycho with a chainsaw!

Or maybe he'll be a total snack,

recently widowed and on the rebound, hm?

If he's wearing a ski mask, I am running.

Well, could you at least put down the axe

or else he'll think we're the psycho killers?

Oh!

Someone call a tow truck?

Told ya.

Come on, gang! Let's go, let's go!

Who's got the charging cables? Madison!

Okay. So...do you want the good news or the bad news?

Whatever you recommend. I mean, you're the...

Zoe: Mechanic.

...mechanic.

Your radiator's shot.

Now, it can be fixed, but it's not going to be cheap.

Okay. So what's the good news?

That was the good news.

The bad news is the landslide blocked the road.

You guys aren't getting out of here for a few days.

No, no, no, no, no, no. T-That's not gonna work.

That's not until after Christmas!

Baby girl. It will be fine.

This place is lovely!

We'll get an awesome room -- top of the line.

Yeah, that might be kind of hard.

Hotels get pretty booked up this time of year.

For the festival.

Festival?

Yeah. It's the annual Yule Log Festival.

The annual... Yule log Festival?

But your town's called Mistletoe!

Well, we used to have a mistletoe festival.

Uh, I guess people thought it was rapey.

Oh. We are still in a horror movie.

Okay? Our car breaks down in a creepy little town,

and they have a Yule Log Festival?

This type of thing happens all the time in Hallmark movies.

A wacky mishap forces sexy city people -- that's us --

to temporarily live in an adorable small town

where we meet-cute with total hotties.

What?

It happens. Look it up!

So, I sleep on that pull-out couch over there.

Y'all are welcome to share.

That's very kind of you. No, no, no, no, no.

We are going into town

and we are going to rent a helicopter or something.

Uh, I don't know about that.

But there are some cute antique stores.

Y-Yeah.

You go and report back.

And I'll stay here with Tanner

and see if we can't get our...engine purring.

Hm?

Love you. Bye-ee!

Whoa!

Whoa! Why don't you look where you're going?

You were the one walking around with the selfie stick.

It's my job. I have millions of followers.

You probably recognize me.

I don't.

I'm Beauregard. My channel is BeauRevolution.

I was voted in the top ten brands at the Influencer Awards.

Thrice. Heh.

What's up, my BeauRevolutionaries?!

I just met-cute with one of the local yokels.

I'm not a local yokel!

Hm, with that axe, I assumed you were a lumberjack.

Oh, oh, hey! You're getting a lot of likes!

Think the fans want me to ask you to dinner.

I'm not interested.

Here. Let's exchange contact info.

Zoe! This is perfect. How did you --

I do "Beauregard's Love Life A to Z."

And you can be my Z.

Wait. Tonight at 8, okay?

I'll text you the deets. And don't worry.

It's my treat. Because I'm rich.

Wait. Uh, Beauregard.

Hi. Um... Do you have a helicopter?

You bet I do.

Here's money for the dry cleaners.

Wait. That's $1,000!

Is that not enough?

I have no idea how much regular things cost.

I'll see you tonight.

Oh, my -- Oh. My goodness.

I am so sorry.

I was loading these bails of hay from my heifers,

and I guess I just -- It's okay.

Oh. My manners. I-I'm Dale.

Let me at least get you a glass of fresh milk.

No. Really. It's okay. Thank you.

O...kay.

Oh, my goodness! Are you okay?

I am getting a little sore.

I was just toting around this here fire hose,

and I wasn't watching where I was going.

Ohh. Where are my manners?

I'm Blaze.

Blaze?

I know. Kind of ironic.

Blaze. Fireman.

The guys like to razz me about it.

And you are...?

In a hurry. Goodbye.

Oh! I'm so sorry!

I was just taking these tools to the construction site,

and I must have -- Help! Help!

I'm sorry to grab you. But you seem new here.

Our town is known for its clumsy hunks.

Um, thank you.

Birt. Birt Card.

Zoe. I don't think I've ever met a Birt before.

Short for Birthday. Birthday card.

Ohh... My mom has a sense of humor.

That's her, by the way.

Oh, uh, nice to meet you, Mrs. Card.

Call me Nana.

And that's my son, Jaxon.

I make the superhero ornaments!

Welcome to our humble little Christmas ornament store.

Christmas ornament store. This is all year round?

Have you ever had pancakes for supper?!

Uh, yeah. Yes.

Mom always said you should be able to enjoy

the things you like anytime you want.

She sounds like a very smart woman.

Uh, where is she?

Heaven.

Oh! I am -- I am so sorry.

Savannah left us two years ago.

My, uh -- My fiancé, he passed a couple months ago.

We are in the club no one wants to be in.

I-I'm so sorry.

At least Savannah left you this store as a legacy.

Hmm. Not for long, I'm afraid.

A big corporate Christmas ornament store

just opened up downtown.

They're taking all our customers.

I keep saying you should do a billboard!

Advertise! And put me on it where I can be famous!

Nana wants to be famous.

Hmm! Great.

Well, uh, I think that the coast is clear.

So, um, goodbye.

Ohh!

Our winter collection!

Oh, my gosh! I am so sorry!

Oh! Wait.

I have cash.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Your money's no good here.

It's not just about the money.

Our customers ordered those!

And I thought the hunks were clumsy.

These women from the big city are worse!

Look. I think that I fixed it.

Damn it.

May I?

Please.

You're doing great.

Thanks.

It's just that, uh...

...in the big city, you all rush everywhere.

Here in a small town, we take our time.

Like giving the glue time to set.

Hm.

And be gentle.

As gentle as if you are mending a broken heart.

You won't stay single long in Mistletoe.

What? No. I --

I don't plan to stay long in Mistletoe at all.

Oh, crap. I, um -- I gotta go.

This place is really nice.

I own it.

It's called Disruptions. 'Cause I'm a disrupter.

So, um, you had said that you have a --

Hello, my BeauRevolutionaries!

We're here at my restaurant, Disruptions,

with my beautiful date, Zoe!

Zoe, have you heard of avocado toast?

Could you please not?

Then you are gonna love avocado fruitcake!

Signing out. Ohh!

Feeding the engaging-content beast is exhausting.

So tell me about Zoe. What makes Zoe tick?

I just really need your helicopter

to get out of this town today.

Are you having a PTSD flashback

because of what happened to your fiancé?

How do you know about that?

My team researches everyone I date.

But have no fear.

You see that guy over there?

Bodyguard.

Nothing can harm you when you're with me.

So, um... about that helicopter.

Oh, yeah. It's here.

Ah. It is picking up some people tonight.

Can I get on it?

Zoe, so soon?

If you need a place to stay, I have a suite.

I just really need to leave. Please.

Okay.

It leaves tonight at 9:30 sharp.

I'll have my car take you.

Really?! Oh, thank you! Thank you!

But, first, avocado fruitcake!

Hoh-hoh!

It is disruptive and delicious!

Yeah, I'm sponsoring the Yule Log Festival this year.

I'm flying in influencers

from all over the country to help promote it.

That's what my chopper's doing, picking up influencers.

Oh!

Oh, my gosh. I'm so sorry.

I-I was taking these presents to the orphanage.

Hey! She's with me! Beat it!

Didn't expect to see an angel.

My name's Sean, by the way.

Alright, alright, alright! Nobody cares!

Get out of here! Let's go! Get outta here!

Sean: Oh, no. The children.

I should probably get to that chopper.

Come on. We got a couple more minutes.

I want to show you my latest disruptive business.

Get ready! Ohh!

Morenaments! Hoh-hoh!

I am completely disrupting the Christmas ornament industry

because ornaments can be so much more.

So you're the one putting Birt's store out of business.

I'm a disrupter! Look.

I have talking ornaments, 3D-printed ornaments,

ornaments with A.I.

Oh! Here. Check this one out.

Man: They're racing through time to fight the British in 1776!

"17 Fast 17 Furious." Now in theaters.

The movie studios pay me to advertise.

Then I sell an ornament. Double the money!

Mr. Beauregard, it's time to get Miss Zoe to the helicopter.

We were just having fun!

Are you sure you want to go?

I'm sure. Thanks for everything.

That's a gift.

For until we meet again.

Mamma mia! Here we go yet again!

"Mamma Mia 7" is laying its love on you.

In theaters now!

I don't normally like sequels,

but this one's pretty good.

Can we make one more stop?

Roger: Yes, ma'am.

Get her out of here!

Jakester! I got us a chopper!

Let's get out of here!

Oh. Uh...sorry.

I was hoping you'd be charmed by our little town.

Am I a bad friend if I want to stay?

You can stay. I'm getting out of here.

Ohh! Oh. So sorry.

I was just refilling these gas cans.

I hope I didn't cause any sparks.

Zoe: Wait! No! I'm coming! Wait!

Hey! I'm coming! Wait for me!

Hey! Hey! Down here!

Fuck!

Hey. We were just looking at Christmas lights.

Oh, no. Zoe...

It's gonna be okay. It's gonna be okay.

Zoe: Thank you for letting me stay here.

Birt: Think nothing of it.

Oh. I'm so sorry.

Let me move that.

I feel so guilty.

I feel like I'm putting you out or --

No. No, no.

My wife would love that you're here.

Wouldn't you, honey?

I'm -- I'm teasing.

I-I don't actually speak to my wife's ashes.

Zoe: I speak to Alex.

Oh, I totally talk to Savannah, too.

H-How did she -- I'm sorry to ask. I just --

No, no. There was, uh --

She was jogging one night, and a lumber truck full of logs

made a sharp turn, and a-a cable snapped.

That is so strange.

A similar thing happened to my fiancé.

He was killed by, um...

a Yule log.

Is that why you carry the axe?

Oh. If anyone asks, I tell them I lost a bet.

It seems to work.

Nice.

Uh, this is him.

I was on my way to Mexico to scatter the ashes,

but I'm not sure if that's what he wants.

I've been there.

I bought the Christmas ornament.

I don't know if Savannah wants to be in the house

or at the beach or what.

And once you scatter the ashes, you can't un-scatter them.

Hm.

S-Should we put them together?

Oh. On the shelf?

Um...

They can chat.

Um, yeah. Okay.

Plenty of room.

Oh, gee. Uh...

Towels are in the guest bath.

Zoe: Mm.

Birt: Uh, sleep -- Sleep well.

Jakester: I am so glad you decided to stay.

I said I'm stranded. And I'm terrified.

And you have two men after you?

Oh. The perfect holiday distraction.

I said I'm terrified.

Am I gonna be Team Beauregard or Team Birt?

I have to admit. I hate both of those names.

You know, I feel like we're having

two different conversations.

The one I'm having is more fun.

So one's sweet and one's rich?

I wouldn't put it that bluntly.

Oh, and I didn't tell you.

Beauregard's ornament store is the one

that's putting Birt's out of business.

And you're sleeping with them?!

Ugh! Boo, that is cold! You've got to tell Birt!

I'm not sleeping with anyone.

I'm sleeping at Birt's house.

And Beau and I just had dinner.

Oh, he's "Beau" now? Things are heating up.

I gotta go. We're binging all the "10 Things I Hate About You" movies.

Wait. There's more than one?

Love you. Bye!

Creepy voice: You're gonna die tonight!

That's right!

Jigsaw is back with a whole new set of traps!

Watch "Saw 19."

Only in theaters. January 1st.

Birt: Banana pancakes.

Is there a better way to start the day?

Thank you.

Morning, Zoe. How'd you sleep?

Um, what does it look like?

She was tossing and turning all night long...screaming.

I-I'm sorry if I, um, kept you up.

Oh. That's okay.

Nana, would you and Jaxon go open up the store?

I want to talk to Zoe.

Come on, Jaxon.

We have got some broken ornaments to glue.

Okay. That's not helpful.

So...

you kicking me out or...?

No, of course not.

But, Zoe -- And I really don't mean to overstep, but I...

I think you may have some untreated trauma.

It's not trauma. It's a curse.

N-- Sure.

When Savannah died, I thought that I was cursed.

I drowned myself in booze.

No. You're not listening. Nobody listens.

Okay.

I'll listen.

I am locking my mouth shut.

You don't want to hear it. It's -- It's too crazy.

Hm...

You're talking to someone whose name is Birthday Card.

Try me.

My fiancé, Alex.

He had rented us this cabin.

And, um...

we weren't the only guests at this location.

Alex: Zoe!

Anyway, it doesn't -- It doesn't make sense.

I understand it.

T-There's a log of the Yule variety.

It has some sort of curse.

It followed you. It killed your fiancé.

It tried to kill you. Yes.

Not to mention all the other dark forces.

The man in the fire and so forth. Yes!

But let me ask you this.

What if...

the log did blow up in that police station?

Then you're spending your whole life

worrying for nothing.

And what if it didn't blow up?

What if it's coming for me?

We're all gonna die.

We're all waiting for our own Yule Log to kill us.

But until that day comes...

wouldn't you rather live in a Hallmark movie

than in a horror movie?

Yes, obviously.

I got an idea.

When Savannah died, we didn't have a trauma doctor in town.

And we still don't. But that's another story.

Have a seat.

The point is, I did my own research.

You can learn anything on YouTube.

And I created my own treatment.

It saved my life.

I want to try it on you.

Is this, like, um, EMDR

with the eyes moving back and forth?

That's part of it.

I know it looks dumb, but try it for five minutes.

Palms up.

Does it hurt?

Don't open that.

Now, I want you to follow the light with your eyes.

I know it seems ridiculous.

It seems absolutely ridiculous.

Just trust me, okay? Now...

I want you to think

of what you're most scared of right now.

But don't say it.

Okay.

Now blurt it out! A flying Yule Log!

Open the card.

And close the card.

Zoe, you're doing great. Keep looking at the light.

Deep breaths.

You said this wouldn't hurt!

What are you most afraid of right now?

A flying Yule Log. An alien. A cult.

A hanging tree. A little man in the fire.

Open the card!

I can't do this!

No, no, Zoe. This is all good.

Keep going.

What are you afraid of right now?

That I have a curse...

and that people will die because of me.

Open it!

One word. What are you afraid of? Log.

One word. What are you afraid of? Log!

Look at the lights. I can't hear you.

One word. What are you afraid of?

Log! A log! A log! God damn you! A log!

Open the card!

Zoe, keep going. You are doing great.

Zoe! Zoe.

I am so sorry. I pushed you too hard.

I shouldn't have done that. Are you okay?

Oh, my gosh!

Holy shit!

Oh, my gosh! I feel great!

You do?

Yes! Oh, my God.

Is this how normal people feel like every day?

Hey. Open the card.

Congratulations.

Hi! Merry Christmas!

Hello! Happy holidays!

Hi!

Well! Don't you have a glow!

Did you do a little boom-chicka-wow-wow?

Gosh. It is not like that, Nana.

Oh, I know what it's like.

Oh, no. It's Dawn.

Zoe: Hello. Welcome.

Uh, what kind of ornament can I interest you in?

Ohh, I bought all my ornaments

at that new store, Morenaments.

Well, they're so much... more.

No, I'm here on real-estate business.

We are not selling.

Well, I know change can be hard,

but this store could make way

for something people actually want.

I don't know. Like, 100 different olive oils

or flavored popcorn.

Birt, your business is a failure.

Dawn, you were a bitch in high school

and you are a bitch now!

You're just jealous. She wanted to be famous.

And yet I'm the one on TV and billboards.

Real-estate famous doesn't count.

I knew you couldn't leave me!

I missed the chopper.

That's because you want a second date.

My BeauRevolutionaries agree.

Your video is getting a lot of engagement.

Okay, can we just talk later, please?

It's a date. I'll text you the deets.

I was gonna be a star, but you slept

with the drama teacher and got my role in "Grease"!

You're such a beauty-school dropout.

At least meet the buyer.

Yes! What's up, BeauRevolutionaries?!

I'm gonna, uh...

I'm here at my competitor's

quaint, failing ornament store.

But I like it!

I'm prepared to make an offer.

You should see your faces!

Come on, guys. It's quality, engaging content!

I'm just -- I'm just kidding.

Here's my real offer.

Birt: We'll think about it.

But this store is part of the family.

Well, think of your grandson.

College costs money.

Just because your dreams flopped,

that doesn't mean his should, too.

- Let me help you out! - Oh! Thanks, little dude!

Jaxon. You shouldn't have done that.

Where have you been?

Uh, uh, just looking for glitter.

What did I miss?

Some asshole with a lot of money

wants to buy the place.

But if I sell the place,

it's like Savannah dies all over again.

Oh! I found this. It's a shrimp fudge recipe?

Isn't that weird?

Give me that. Give me that!

Birt! Birt!

Birt. I-I am so sorry.

I shouldn't have snooped.

When we were on our honeymoon,

we went to Mexico.

We had this amazing shrimp mole.

And Savannah got this dream

of inventing a new type of fudge.

Shrimp fudge.

Like the shrimp mole we had in Mexico, but in a fudge.

We were gonna sell it in the store.

"Savannah's Shrimp Fudge."

But then she died.

And, uh...

I tried to copy her recipe, but it never came out right.

I failed.

I think that sounds like a wonderful dream.

But I'm not sure if shrimp and fudge can go together.

Oh, you don't understand.

She made it. It was...delicious.

Like the shrimp mole we had in Mexico.

But in a fudge.

And it -- Right. Yeah.

Even the kids liked it.

They were getting protein with their fudge.

But I can't re-create it. I just can't.

And now if I sell the store, it's like...

You have helped me so much.

I just wish there was something I could do for you.

Ah. Just listening helps, Zoe.

Hey. Um...

Let's not go back to the store.

Let's play hooky.

You know what? What?

I have always wanted to slide down a firefighters' pole.

Ooh! Benefits of a small town.

Come on!

Zoe: Whee!

Ahh!

Never gets old!

Blaze! Thank you!

No problem.

You can do striptease on it, too.

Oh. Thank you, Blaze.

I have the immune system of, like, a brown bear.

What's next in Zoe's future?

I don't know.

Until what you did for me, I...

I didn't even think I had a future.

Aww. I didn't do anything.

It was all you.

Hm. Yeah.

I believe you.

Man: Gotcha!

Turn it on!

Turn it on!

Help -- Holly, help me! Holly, help me!

- I warned you! - Holly, help!

Get him out.

We did it.

I'd high-five you, but my fingers are burnt.

I told you to wear asbestos gloves.

Okay. You stay here until the cement is dried.

And don't forget to say the blessing.

A-And what about you?

I'm leaving.

My debt to Zoe is paid.

Where you gonna go?

Off the grid. Maybe Asia.

Well, how will I reach you?

You can't.

Holly! Wait!

A goodbye hug? Holly?

"We bless this land and begin by acknowledging

that we are on the traditional homeland of the Sakogee tribe.

We consecrate this site as a burial of evil."

What -- Is that -- Mom!

You can't do that. You're gonna get arrested.

Your brother's the sheriff. I'm not too worried.

Well, at least Jaxon isn't here to see this.

I'm here! I'm lookout!

And you were supposed to warn me if you saw anybody!

I didn't think Dad and Zoe counted!

Well, let's go home. I made apple pie.

Isn't that for Christmas Eve dinner?

Well, I messed it up, so I gotta make another one.

Nana's mess-ups are better than most people's best.

Race you to the house!

Birt: Try and keep up.

Nana: Whoo! Whoo!

You gotta let an old lady win!

Oh! Ow!

What happened?

It's just a splinter. Let's eat pie!

Birt, will you go get the ice cream?

Oh, I'll get it, Nana.

Oh. Yeah.

Nana: Come here!

Come here, dear!

Come on! Come on in!

Come on!

Want some corn?

It says it's expired, but I don't believe that.

Do you?

People are never really expired.

Or logs.

You know about the log?

Well, of course I know about the log!

Why else am I sitting in here freezing my tits off?!

A-Are you evil now?

Does this look evil to you?

Nana: Thank you...

You're not dead.

I have a very important message for you!

It's in...

Where is it? I thought I had it in here.

Oh...

Switch up. Come on.

Nana: The chair...

Alex?! Alex! Alex!

Zoe! Oh, my God!

Hm!

Oh, my God! I've missed you so much!

I've missed you --

I've missed you more.

There is just so much I want to tell you.

You've missed out on so much of life and --

Uh, baby, I love you. Yeah.

Just it's -- it's not a great time right now.

W-We have to train.

Come on, Alex. Come on. Let's go.

Come on. Yeah.

"Not a great time."

Yeah.

I'll see you soon.

Come on. Let's go. Come on. Give me a left.

Alex!

I think that message was in my other pants.

Anyway, I remember the gist.

"Hate is vanquished when love remains."

Or maybe it's...

"Hate is conquered"?

Oh...oh...

Oh. Something like that.

Mm. That's incredibly generic.

I thought it was pretty.

It's getting soft.

Nana: It's getting soft!

You looked so peaceful.

We didn't want to wake you.

I wanted to wake you! I want ice cream!

Merry Christmas Eve, Zoe!

Merry Christmas Eve, Jaxon.

Okay! Bye!

I can't go into the store today.

My stomach's all jacked up.

And I have Christmas Eve dinner!

Can I help, Nana?

Uh, yes. You can stay out of my way.

I don't need your big-city ways burning my casseroles.

Well, you know we have casseroles in the big city, right?

Go open the store with Jaxon.

Birt had to run an errand.

Okay. Come on, buddy.

Ohh! Huh!

I don't remember eating salad.

Is that for me?

Open it.

Well, shouldn't I wait for Christmas?

No. You should open it now.

It'll make sense when you open it!

Ohh!

I know you like coral.

Jaxon, this is the sweetest thing

anyone has ever done for me.

Oh, crap. Uh... Hold on.

Zoe: Oh.

What's that?

It's the second page to your mom's shrimp fudge recipe.

No wonder your dad couldn't replicate it!

There was a page missing!

Can we make it?!

This would be the best Christmas present for dad ever!

Please, Zoe? Please?

Okay. We're going to the market.

Here it is. Moment of truth.

Mmm-mmm-mmm!

Holy fudge! That is good!

Fudgin' A!

Okay. Let's close up shop and get back to the house.

Your aunts and uncles will be home soon.

They're gonna love this mother fudger!

That's enough with the fudge jokes.

Can you grab the ornament, J-Man?

That's weird.

- Zoe. - Jakester.

Why don't you pick up your phone?

The car's fixed. The road is clear.

Let's go. We can go.

I-I-I have plans.

I made fudge.

Fudge?

But the Yule Log Festival is tonight.

Surely you want to get far away from that. I know you.

Look, I don't -- I don't know what I think anymore.

And don't you want me to like it here?

Don't you have plans with Tanner?

We had a fight.

The relationship has gotten stale.

Stale? It's been three days.

I just want to get out of here, okay?!

Okay. Look. We gotta go. Just make it up with Tanner.

What? Zoe -- We gotta go.

Zoe! Come on, Jaxon.

Who is Jaxon?!

...it's gonna be so much fun.

Ohh!

Sacre bleu! I was carrying my baguettes.

I wasn't watching where I was going, and --

I am Francois. You are...

Jakester.

But I think I twisted my ankle, Francois.

Can you help me?

I'm sorry, monsieur. Désolé. Désolé.

Oh. Thank you. Ohh!

I was wondering where you guys were.

Oh. What do you got there? Ah-ah!

It's a surprise. And where were you?

You know how Nana's always wanting to be famous?

Yeah. She won't stop talking about it.

I got her a billboard.

No way.

The works. Yeah.

I'll worry about paying for it later.

Come on. Let's meet the family.

- Hey, everyone. - Hey, hey!

- This is Zoe. - Oh. Hi, Zoe.

Zoe, this is Chris, for Christmas Card.

- Ann. - Short for Anniversary.

Hi. That's Val for Valentine's Day.

Her husband, Joe. And Sym for Sympathy Card.

And now I have sympathy for the world.

Ah, he's the baby,

so all the good names were taken.

Right?

Okay, guys. Let's go set the table for Mom.

Her stomach is acting up.

Ah...

I'm fine!

It's butterflies, is all!

You'd mess it up anyway!

Just let me put down my...axe.

Oh, my God. You alright?

No. Birt, I left my axe at the store!

Uh, Zoe, I'll go get it.

No, no, no, no. It's okay. We're, um --

We're about to have dinner.

You sure? I don't mind.

Yeah.

This is actually the first time in forever

I haven't even thought about the axe.

This is the best Christmas present ever!

I could kiss you!

I'm not stopping you.

Chris: Get a room!

Chris.

Come on! Food's getting cold!

Come on!

Okay.

Buckle in for a Cards family Christmas.

Okay.

Looks pretty good.

Go ahead, Jaxon.

Bless this food for the nourishment of our bodies.

And bless this family. And bless Zoe.

All: Amen.

Wait. Don't eat! We have a surprise!

Let's go. Okay.

Do you need a hand? No. It's okay.

- Early Christmas present? - I hope so.

Ta-da!

- Ooh! - Hey.

What is it?

It is...

Jaxon: It's shrimp fudge! Zoe found the recipe!

There was a second page!

Whew.

I hope that you are not mad.

Mad?

Aw, Jaxon.

Zoe, you've -- you've made me so happy.

So happy.

Oh, and it looks -- Gosh! It looks incredible!

- Whoa! - Oh. Oh. Excuse me. I'm --

Excuse me. I -- It's just butterflies.

Is she having a -- Is she having a --

Are you having a stroke?

Not on the food!

Oh! Nana! Whoa!

Nana, point your head away from the table!

Birt: Somebody call 911!

- Oh! - Oh, God!

She keeps vomiting right on the food!

Stop talking about the damn food!

All: Ohh!

- She's choking. - I'll give her the Heimlich!

- I'm -- I'm trained in this! - You thought it was a stroke!

Get it out. Get it out, Nana!

You're gonna be okay.

Mom?

Thank God. You're gonna be fine, Nana.

Ohh!

- Oh, God! - Bro!

Ann: Oh, my God!

Birt: Call 911!

- Oh, God! - Okay!

She's turning into Groot!

Chris: Nana, what is --

Chris: Oh! Nana! Ohh!

It's okay, Nana!

Mmm!

Jaxon: Zoe?!

Zoe! I'm scared!

Dad told me to stay inside, but...

I'm afraid they're gonna hurt Nana!

They think she's bad, but

I jus think she turned into a superhero!

She just killed Uncle Sym because she didn't know her powers yet.

You should father --

You should listen to your father, sweetie.

Jaxon! Jaxon!

Jaxon!

This is just immature.

Immature. Bet I know who did it.

I see debris. I told you to clear this yard.

It has to show.

Ay, Alejandro. Do you have beans for brains?!

Oh, goodness.

What the hell?

Nana Monster: You were a bitch in high school...

And you are a bitch now!

Oh, my goodness! Look at everyone!

You look beautiful!

It is time for the Yule Log Festival

to officially begin!

And -- And, everyone...

Whoever gets the most views on their video

using my Morenaments is gonna get $10,000!

Have fun, everyone! Be more!

Zoe: Jaxon!

Jaxon!

Birt: Zoe. Zoe!

Jaxon's in the house. Is everything okay?

No. Jaxon went looking for Nana!

He thinks she's some sort of superhero! Shit.

Don't shoot unless I order. Jaxon might be with her.

I am so sorry. I'm cursed.

I brought -- I brought it here.

You are not cursed. I am!

Zoe, this isn't your fault.

We need to -- We need to fan out.

No, no, no. That's what it wants.

It wants to isolate us and kill us one by one.

We have to stick together. And I need my axe.

Listen to Zoe. She's dealt with this before.

Chris: Found it! Found it!

Take your shot.

Jaxon: No! No!

Jaxon! No! I told you to stay at home!

You're trying to shoot Nana!

Birt: That wasn't Nana -- That --

it might have been her body, but her soul is long gone!

Just trust me.

It ran off. But where?

It feeds off of trauma and murder. It needs people.

Yo, what's going on, chat?

I'm here with my boy at the Yule Log Festival.

And I've got the Morenament, baby!

I'm gonna win that 10K!

Yo, I wonder if I can smash this Morenament on my head.

Chat, what do you think? Huh? You dare me?

Alright. Ready? One, two...

Here are three ways

my redneck husband hangs his ornaments wrong!

And this is brought to you by Morenaments,

who were generous enough to fly us out here.

Number one...

I just love my new pendant.

Quick question. What color was my dress?

Answer. It's yellow!

As you can hear, everyone's screaming

over my Morenaments, baby!

That's one way to get views.

Oh. Here we go. Oh! Alright! Yeah!

Sir! We have a situation. We have to evacuate now.

What? Wait. What's happening?! No!

My Morenaments!

Sir, we have to go!

My God.

It's possessing the other Yule logs.

I want you to fire on any flying log

where you have a clear shot!

Man: Flying what? You heard me!

- I'm sorry, Birt. - Zoe, I don't want to hear it.

You defeated this thing once. You can do it again!

I believe in you.

Yeah, I'm more of the, you know,

"getting a cat out of a tree" type small-town sheriff.

This was supposed to be a cushy job

where I could just blaze a fat one.

Blaze! That's it!

The fire department!

Water! Axes! That's what we need!

Holy shit!

We need the fire department at the Yule Log Festival!

Go onto a private channel, Dina.

This shit's about to sound weird.

Beauregard: Ah, shit! Shit, shit! Did I get that?!

Ah, shit! I didn't get it!

Oh, shit. Okay.

Hey, BeauRevolutionaries.

We're hiding at what some are calling

the Yule Log Massacre and we're --

Sir! Sir! Quiet! Shh!

Oh, shit!

There's a setting. I can dim it.

God damn it, Beauregard!

Aah!

Roger?

Roger?!

Okay, BeauRevolutionaries.

I'm about to disrupt the Evil Yule Log.

Okay.

Oh, no.

No.

No. No.

No. No, no.

No!

No. No, no, no, no.

No. No.

Oh, no. No!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! Oh!

Help! Help! Hey! Please! Someone!

It's Beauregard! I'm rich! Please! I'll pay you!

Zoe!

Take her. Not me.

Zoe!

I always knew you were my Yule Log queen.

"Take her, not me"?

I was talking to the fireman, to save you first!

Who knew that our second date would be so action-packed?!

Second date?

Beauregard is the guy you went on a date with?

Birt, it's not what you think. I-I meant to tell you.

It's okay. It's -- It's your life.

Zoe: Birt!

Guys? Uh, guys?!

You're aiming it too high!

You gotta aim it for the center of the log!

I know how to aim a hose.

- Birt? - It's okay, Zoe. It's your choice.

Guys, guys!

Beauregard, you win. I know when I'm beat.

I don't think anyone's winning!

The logs! They're lighting back up after you blast them!

It's not working! Wait. What?

He's right.

They just keep coming back after we blast 'em.

Chris: Any more ideas, Zoe?

Maybe if you kill the leader the logs will die?

Does seem like a common trope in movies.

Point the hose at Nana!

We got her on the run!

Nana never ran that fast.

- I think we lost it. - She could be anywhere.

It's weakened. It needs another kill.

Hello?

Hello?!

Nana!

You must be hungry!

We have food.

Or do you prefer fertilizer?

Did you know fertilizer's poop?

I guess you eat poop now.

Nana Monster: Arson!

No! I'm your grandson! Grand son!

Don't be scared. You're just learning your powers.

You probably got scratched by a radioactive branch.

Arson!

Nana! You're hurting me!

Remember. You have super strength!

No, Nana! Please! I don't want --

Back off, you splintery bitch!

Go hide, son. This is about to get messy.

♪ O, Christmas tree ♪

♪ O, Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely are your branches ♪

♪ Your boughs so green in summertime ♪

♪ Stay bravely green in wintertime ♪

♪ O, Christmas tree ♪

♪ O, Christmas tree ♪

♪ How lovely are your branches ♪

Birt: It's safe now, Jaxon.

Jaxon?!

Hey.

It's okay.

She's gone.

But I didn't want her to be gone.

I know. But that wasn't Nana.

Nana lives on in our hearts.

Are you fucking kidding me?!

Language!

Our axes!

Nana Monster: Arson!

Hate is vanquished...

when love remains!

I love you.

What?

A dream I had.

"Hate vanquished when love remains"

or something like that.

"Or something like that."

I guess now is as good a time as any

to say I love you, son.

I love you, too, Zoe.

I love you, too, Birt.

I'm not sure if it's romantic since we've just met

and I'm -- I'm still in mourning.

I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Beauregard.

Not even on my mind right now.

Zoe: I love you, too, Jaxon.

That's it. It's the ashes.

It's love's remains.

"Hate is vanquished... with love's remains."

I'm Blaze, by the way.

Abigail.

Zoe?

Zoe: Birt.

This isn't an easy letter to write.

I've decided to leave.

By now, it should be clear I am cursed.

And the best thing for the people I love

is to be far away from them.

She stole my car.

Don't try to find me.

But please... always remember me.

As I will remember you.

Zoe.

Nana: That's it?!

You're just going to run away?!

You could've just said,

"Dump the ashes on the Log Monster,"

instead of all that secret-code shit.

Hey!

I'm sorry we didn't have

much of a Christmas this year, Jaxon.

I just wish Nana was here.

And Sym. And Zoe.

Hey. I want you to know something.

Your mom helped save the day.

I just want you to know that.

I know.

Maybe Nana will get to be famous -- in heaven.

Maybe.

Oh, my God. Is this Savannah's Christmas Ornament Store?

That's us. Welcome in.

And your mother was the monster

behind the Yule Log Massacre of Mistletoe?

My mother was a lot of things.

She was a beautiful singer, a mean cribbage player.

Ahh. I prefer not to dwell on the negatives.

Are these the ornaments she actually touched?

She made a lot of them. She made them?!

Can we buy the ornaments she made?!

I'll pay you $50 each if you sign them!

Okay. What's going on here?

Dude. Your mom's famous!

Do you have souvenir T-shirts? Huh?

Birt: I was never one for public speaking, but here goes.

I want to thank you all

for being here to celebrate our store being saved!

And I hope you all enjoy some shrimp fudge!

Cheers!

I gotta get this recipe

because it is deliciously disruptive!

Absolutely not.

And -- And I also hope that you all can s--

Zoe.

You came back.

I guess I wanted to live in a Hallmark movie after all.

You know, since you came into my life,

I have become quite the axe man.

Get a room!

Now, everyone, it is time

to officially present to all of you,

for the very first time,

our commemorative plaque honoring all those lives lost

at the Yule Log Massacre of Mistletoe.

Tatiana! What are you doing here?

Tatiana, this is Birt.

Birt, this is my former boss, Tatiana.

And I hope to be your boss again.

Can we rehire you?

- What? - It's that shrimp fudge!

We don't know how, but it brings the coral back to life.

But how did you even --

I called her!

Jaxon. You little mother fudger.

And, yes, you can work remotely.

If I lived in this cute town,

I would never want to leave.

Did you say coral reefs? I love coral reefs!

Can I give to your charity? I'm rich.

Absolutely. Hm.

Oh, you like that deep V?

Um, if you'll excuse me,

I have some, um, business to discuss.

Oh, one last thing. I swear. One last thing.

Today only we are offering 20% off our shirts --

"I survived the Yule Log Mistletoe Massacre."

You know Nana would have loved that.

Hm. Yeah.

Nana: It's true. I'm famous!

And look! I'm dating a celebrity!

This is all so wonderful.

There's just one problem.

What is it?

Mistletoe.

I don't consider that a problem.

Don't worry, Nanagroot. I'll take care of you.

I can heal you.

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas, Christmas, Christmas ♪