Original subtitles

( theme song playing )

( whistling )

OH!

COME ON, MICHAEL! YOU'RE GETTING A THING ABOUT THIS.

JUST GET IN AND OUT AND AWAY BEFORE SHE EVEN KNOWS WE'RE THERE.

COME ON.

( blows )

AHHH,

I THOUGHT I HEARD THE POSTMAN.

HOW?

I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW HOW.

ARE YOU MY REGULAR POSTMAN,

THE ONE WITH THE TWITCH?

I NEVER USED TO HAVE A TWITCH.

YOU ALL LOOK ALIKE FROM BEHIND.

I SUPPOSE IT'S THE SORTING OFFICE THAT DOES IT.

OH, YES, I RECOGNIZE THE HAUNTED LOOK.

ARE YOU HAVING PERSONAL DIFFICULTIES?

YOUR MARRIAGE NOT WORKING?

HAVE YOU TRIED SINGING TOGETHER?

NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE SING TOGETHER.

SURPRISE HER TONIGHT WITH A LITTLE IVAR NOVELLO.

DEAR ME, IS THAT THE TIME?

DID YOU REMIND YOUR SUPERIORS THAT FOR THE NEXT FEW DAYS

ALL MY MAIL SHOULD BE REDIRECTED TO THE QE II.

THE QE II? I DON'T THINK WE--

THEY HAVE BEEN INFORMED IN WRITING,

BUT I'D BE PLEASED IF YOU'D GIVE THEM A LITTLE REMINDER.

- BUT WE REALLY CAN'T-- - THE QE II, MY HUSBAND AND I,

A LITTLE CRUISE.

RIGHT, MRS. BUCKET-- "BOUQUET."

AH, MORNING POST.

YOU WILL REMEMBER THE NAME OF THE SHIP WE'RE CRUISING ON,

IN AN OUTER CABIN WITH FULL FACILITIES

AND PANORAMIC VIEWS?

THE QE II!

NOT SO LOUD! GOOD HEAVENS,

PEOPLE WILL THINK I'M TRYING TO BROADCAST IT.

( groaning )

OH, I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE NIGHT.

I KNOW, I WAS THERE.

I BLAME THEM CRISPS--

EGGROLL AND DUMPLING FLAVOR.

IT'S NOT NATURAL.

IT WAS ALL THEY HAD!

I WAS DREAMING ABOUT BLACK HOLES.

YOU LOOK UP AT THE SKY AND YOU THINK, "THAT'S NICE."

LITTLE DO YOU REALIZE, IT'S FULL OF BLACK HOLES!

THEY CAN SUCK YOU IN!

COMPRESS ALL YOUR MATTER!

IT COULD DO WITH A BIT.

OH, NICE.

IF IT'S GOING TO UPSET YOU,

YOU HAVE TO STOP WATCHING "OPEN UNIVERSITY."

I THINK FATHER'S DEAD.

NO, HE ISN'T. HE JUST GOES LIKE THAT.

OH GREAT, I'M AWAKE ALL NIGHT,

AND YOUR FATHER SLEEPS LIKE HE'S DEAD.

I WOULD'VE LIKED A SECOND OPINION.

SOMEBODY OUGHT TO COME AND SEE IF HE'S DEAD.

HE'S NOT USUALLY DEAD.

ISN'T ANYBODY COMING?

DON'T LOOK AT ME! HE'S YOUR FATHER.

BESIDES, SOMEBODY HAS TO THINK OF

THE PHILOSOPHICAL IMPLICATIONS OF A UNIVERSE

FULL OF BLACK HOLES!

WELL, WHY CAN'T I SPEAK WITH YOUR EDITOR?

I SUPPOSE HE'S TOO BUSY WITH SEX AND VIOLENCE.

LOOK, I HAVE AN INTERESTING NEWS ITEM FOR HIM.

NEWS OR FEATURES? WELL...

I SUPPOSE IT'S A LITTLE BIT OF BOTH, REALLY.

YES, I EXPECT THE HEADLINE TO READ SOMETHING LIKE,

"LOCAL CELEBRITY ON QE II CRUISE."

IF YOU SAY IT'S FEATURES, I SUPPOSE IT'S FEATURES.

PERSONALLY, I SHOULD HAVE THOUGHT

THERE WAS A LITTLE NEWS VALUE THERE AS WELL.

THOUGH I REALIZE IT'S NOT QUITE AS EARTH SHATTERING

AS IF ONE WERE BEING LAUNCHED INTO OUTER SPACE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "WHAT LOCAL CELEBRITY?"

MYSELF, OF COURSE.

IF YOU CARE TO MAKE INQUIRIES,

YOU'LL FIND THAT I AM FAMOUS LOCALLY

FOR MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

I HAVE A SON AT UNIVERSITY WITH A BRILLIANT FUTURE,

AND MY PROGRAM OF SONG HIGHLIGHTS FROM "ROSE MARIE"

NEVER FAILS TO BRING THE OVER-60s TO THEIR FEET.

SO HOW MUCH MORE DO YOU WANT?

IF I WERE THE VICTIM OF GROSS INDECENCY,

YOU'D HAVE BEEN ROUND HERE QUICKER THAN A SPLIT INFINITIVE.

ILLITERATE HACK.

IT'S ALL RIGHT!

FATHER'S NOT DEAD!

I TOLD YOU HE WASN'T DEAD.

I KNOW ABOUT DEAD.

WHEN YOU LIVE WITH ONSLOW, YOU GET A VERY GOOD FEEL OF DEAD.

OH, NICE.

ANYWAY, WHAT MAKES YOU SO SURE HE ISN'T DEAD?

BECAUSE HE'S BEEN ASKING FOR BACON, EGGS, SAUSAGE

AND FRIED BREAD.

COULD BE HE'S BLUFFING.

THAT'S WHAT WE HAD FOR BREAKFAST

ON OUR HONEYMOON.

THAT'S WHAT YOU HAD. I NEEDED A LIE-IN.

IT'S TIME YOU TWO WERE UP.

YOU PROMISED TO GO AND DO BRUCE'S DRAINS.

I DIDN'T MEAN AT THE CRACK OF DAWN.

DRAINS ARE SOMETHING YOU HAVE TO COME UP ON GRADUALLY.

HE HAS THE SAME ATTITUDE THESE DAYS TO HIS LOVE LIFE.

DON'T YOU, MY DARLING? ( giggling )

LISTEN, I CAN'T STAY HERE PLAYING ABOUT, I'VE GOT TO SEE TO BRUCE'S DRAINS.

THAT'S WHEN YOU REALLY KNOW YOU'RE MARRIED--

WHEN YOU START COMING IN SECOND TO DRAINS.

NOW, RICHARD, I WANT YOU TO MAKE SURE

THAT ALL THE PORTERS TAKE PARTICULAR CARE

OF MY SET OF MATCHING EXECUTIVE LUGGAGE

WITH THE GENUINE LEATHER EMBELLISHMENTS AND INITIALS.

DO WE REALLY NEED ALL THESE SUITCASES?

I WILL NOT BE OUTDRESSED BY THE OTHER PASSENGERS.

NO, PEOPLE ON THESE LUXURY LINERS

DO NOT SKIMP ON LUGGAGE.

WE'RE IN NO DANGER OF A SKIMP.

OH, RICHARD,

IT'S BEEN MY DREAM TO CRUISE ON A WONDERFUL SHIP.

DO YOU REMEMBER THOSE NEWSREELS OF THE HOLLYWOOD STARS

ARRIVING AT SOUTHAMPTON

IN FURS AND MOUNTAINS OF LUGGAGE?

- OH, I'LL ANSWER THAT.

IT MAY BE THE CAPTAIN WANTING TO WELCOME US ABOARD.

DO THEY DO THAT?

NOT TO EVERYONE, DEAR. HE HASN'T THE TIME.

THE "BOUQUET" RESIDENCE, THE LADY OF THE HOUSE SPEAKING.

SHERIDAN!

WHAT A LOVELY SURPRISE, DEAR.

I THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE THE CAPTAIN OF THE QE II.

WE'RE GOING TO NEED ALL OUR SPARE CASH.

I WANTED TO SPEAK TO YOU, SHERIDAN, DEAR,

BEFORE WE DEPART, IN CASE MOMMY SINKS.

I WANT YOU TO BE VERY STERN WITH THE AIR-SEA RESCUE PEOPLE.

YES, MAKE IT CLEAR TO THEM, DEAR,

WHAT A LOSS I WOULD BE TO THE CULTURAL LIFE OF THE COMMUNITY.

AND TELL THEM THAT IF I'M CAST ADRIFT AT NIGHT,

I SHALL BE WEARING MY HAT WITH THE ANTIQUE DIAMANTE CLUSTER,

SO I SHALL SPARKLE QUITE BRILLIANTLY

IN THEIR SEARCHLIGHTS.

YES. BUT IF I HAVE TO BE WINCHED UP BY HELICOPTER,

PLEASE, WOULD THEY PROVIDE TROUSERS?

DO YOU THINK SHE'S REALLY SAFE?

WHO?

THE QE II.

OF COURSE SHE'S SAFE.

I SHOULD THINK SHE'S PROBABLY ONE OF THE SAFEST VESSELS AFLOAT.

( sadly ) YES, I SUPPOSE SO.

BOUND TO BE, REALLY.

EMMET, YOU'RE NOT SERIOUSLY CONTEMPLATING HER SINKING?!

NO, NO, NO, NO.

REALLYSINKING.

MAYBE THE ODD... FEMALE PASSENGER LOST OVERBOARD?

- EMMET! - I MEAN WITH A LIFEJACKET AND EVERYTHING.

AND AN UNINHABITED ISLAND WAITING FOR HER.

OF COURSE I'D HOPE THAT SHE'D BE PICKED UP SAFELY...

BUT IN ABOUT 20 YEARS TIME.

I WISH I COULD AFFORD A NEW CAR.

I WISH WE COULD AFFORD THIS ONE.

WE SHOULD HAVE TOLD OUR HYACINTH WE WERE GOING.

I THOUGHT WE DECIDED WE WOULDN'T?

YOU DECIDED WE WOULDN'T.

I'M THE BREADWINNER. I HAVE TO MAKE THESE EXECUTIVE DECISIONS.

SHE'S FAMILY.

YOU CAN'T JUST PRETEND SHE'S NOT THERE.

I ALWAYS THINK IT'S WORTH A TRY.

ANYWAY, SHE CAN'T COMPLAIN.

WE'VE LEFT FATHER IN GOOD HANDS.

YOU THINK SHE'LL REALLY THINK

OUR ROSE QUALIFIES AS "GOOD HANDS"?

ALL RIGHT. WE'VE LEFT YOUR FATHER IN GOOD LEGS. ( chuckles )

ONSLOW...

DO YOU THINK THIS LITTLE HOLIDAY WILL BRING US CLOSER TOGETHER?

HOW CLOSE DO YOU WANT TO GET?

WHEN I DID BRUCE'S DRAINS YESTERDAY,

I LET YOU HELP ME WITH THE RUGS, DIDN'T I?

WHEN I SAID WE OUGHT TO DO THINGS TOGETHER MORE,

I DIDN'T MEAN DRAINS.

DAISY, WE'VE HAD OUR DIFFERENCES,

BUT WHEN YOU GET RIGHT DOWN TO IT,

THERE ISN'T ANYONE I'D RATHER HAVE HELPING ME WITH THE DRAINS.

THAT'S SWEET.

I THINK THAT'S REALLY SWEET.

YOU ALWAYS WERE A SMOOTH TALKER WHEN YOU WANTED TO BE.

TRAVELING LIGHT, RICHARD?

I TOLD HER IT'S TOO MUCH.

DAMN GOOD JOB YOU'RE NOT GOING BY AIR.

BY AIR?!

I'M BEGINNING TO WONDER IF THE SHIP'S BIG ENOUGH.

I DO HOPE YOU HAVE A SPLENDID TIME, RICHARD.

THANKS, LIZ.

- READY FOR THE OFF? - SHE'S ALMOST READY.

SHE'S TAKING ENDLESS TROUBLE.

SHE REMEMBERS THE NEWSREELS OF HOW PEOPLE USED TO DRESS

FOR LUXURY LINERS.

OH, HYACINTH!

YOU LOOK LIKE...

A FILM STAR.

OH, THANK YOU, DEAR.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST A COINCIDENCE.

GOODBYE, MY DEAR FRIENDS.

EMMET, BE BRAVE.

I SHALL RETURN.

POOR DEAR. I DO FLUSTER HIM SO.

I BELIEVE I DISTURB HIM VERY POWERFULLY.

OOOH, I'M IN HOLIDAY MOOD ALREADY, RICHARD.

WE'RE GOING TO ENJOY A FEW DAYS

OF HIGH-CLASS LUXURY AT SEA.

OUR FELLOW PASSENGERS HAND-PICKED FROM "DEBRETT,"

A LEISURELY DRIVE TO SOUTHAMPTON,

AND THEN WE'LL BE PIPED ABOARD.

I WOULDN'T BANK ON THE PIPING BIT.

HMM?

PERHAPS NOT, DEAR.

THEY'LL PROBABLY BE TOO BUSY BEDECKING OUR CABIN.

AH, THE JOYS OF THE OPEN ROAD.

( jackhammer pounding )

( car honking )

WHAT'S GOING ON?

IT'S SOMETHING CALLED A TRAFFIC JAM.

THERE'S NO NEED TO TAKE THAT TONE, RICHARD.

AFTER ALL, WE ARE ON HOLIDAY!

I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT, DEAR.

IT'S PROBABLY ROADWORKS.

ON A SATURDAY?!

WELL, I SUPPOSE SOME PEOPLE WORK AT THE WEEKEND.

BY THE WAY, I'VE BEEN MEANING TO ASK YOU--

WE'VE NOTHING ELSE TO DO AT THE MOMENT, RICHARD,

I AM A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE, SO ASK ME ANYTHING YOU LIKE.

DO YOU THINK YOUR FATHER'S

STARTING TO LURK IN THE BUSHES AGAIN?

OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

LOOK, TAKE THAT NEXT TURNING.

IF WE DO THAT, WE DON'T KNOW WHERE WE'LL FINISH UP.

I'LL WORK OUT A ROUTE, DEAR.

LEAVE IT TO ME.

( humming )

( humming trails off )

IS THE RIGHT WAY?

HAVE FAITH, RICHARD. WE'LL BE THERE IN NO TIME.

OH, COME ON!

HOW CAN THEY SAY IT'S QUICKER BY TRAIN?

OOOH! THE NOISE!

ARE YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT WAY?

YES, OF COURSE I AM, DEAR.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WE'RE IN SURREY NOW AND WE'RE GOING DOWN TO HAMPSHIRE...

- THAT'S RIGHT. - BUT YOU'VE GOT THE MAP OPEN AT NORFOLK!

- HMMM? - WE'RE NOWHERE NEAR KING'S LYNN!

AGAIN!

RICHARD, LOOK OUT!

( water sloshing )

AREN'T YOU SUPPOSED TO SLOW DOWN WHEN YOU GO THROUGH ONE OF THESE?

WHY WEREN'T YOU CONCENTRATING, DEAR?

I CANNOT IMAGINE.

( engine cranking )

I THINK WATER'S GOT INTO THE SYSTEM.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- IT MEANS THAT WE'RE STUCK. - DON'T BE SILLY, RICHARD.

WE CAN'T BE STUCK, WE HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH THE QE II.

YOU'LL HAVE TO GO AND GET SOME HELP.

BUT THE WATER!

WELL, IT CAN'T BE THAT DEEP.

- ( Richard sighs ) - TAKE YOUR SHOES AND SOCKS OFF, ROLL YOUR TROUSERS UP.

COME ON, DEAR. QUICK'S THE WORD, SHARP'S THE MOTION.

( yelling )

RICHARD!

A LITTLE DECORUM PLEASE--

AS BEFITS SOMEONE WITH A RESERVATION FOR A QUALITY CRUISE.

A LITTLE FASTER, RICHARD, PLEASE!

AND CLOSE THE DOOR, DEAR, THERE'S A TERRIBLE DRAFT.

I WONDER IF IT'S WORTH TRYING TO FIND A TELEPHONE.

- WHAT FOR? - TO INFORM THE QE II

THAT WE MAY BE A LITTLE LATE.

I DON'T THINK SO, HYACINTH.

LEFT OR RIGHT?

HMMM?

EH...

LEFT!

THIS CAN'T BE RIGHT.

IT'S A SHORTCUT.

- WE'RE LOST. - OF COURSE WE'RE NOT LOST.

- WE'RE HERE. - WE CAN'T BE THERE BECAUSE THAT'S A "B" ROAD.

THEN THIS MUST BE THE "B" ROAD.

- THIS ISN'T EVEN A ROAD! - RICHARD.

I HOPE YOU'RE NOT GOING TO BE IN THIS

UNREASONABLE MOOD FOR THE ENTIRE HOLIDAY.

NOW, PLEASE, DRIVE ON.

I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND WE COME TO THE ROAD WE NEED.

OOH, THERE'S A LATE NIGHT FLOOR SHOW,

- OH NO! - IT'LL BE FUN, DEAR.

SINGING, DANCING, A TOUCH OF COMEDY.

- NO, LOOK! - HMM?

WELL, IT'S OBVIOUS TO ME WHAT'S HAPPENED, DEAR.

YOU'VE TAKEN THE WRONG TURNING.

RICHARD, WHAT ARE YOU DOING, DEAR?

GET BACK IN THE CAR AND TURN ROUND.

THERE'S NOT ENOUGH ROOM TO TURN ROUND!

WE'RE AT THE END OF THE UNIVERSE.

AND CONTRARY TO ALL EXPECTATIONS,

IT'S EXTREMELY NARROW.

( growls ) WHAT A FUSS MEN DO MAKE

SOONER THAN ADMIT THEY'RE IN ERROR.

TURN ROUND IN THE FIELD, DEAR!

YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OUT AND PUSH.

- HM? - YOU'LL HAVE TO GET OUT AND PUSH.

- ME?! - THERE'S NO ONE ELSE ABOUT.

WHAT DO I DO? I'VE NEVER PUSHED ANYTHING IN MY LIFE.

THERE'S A FIRST TIME FOR EVERYTHING.

- BUT-- EH-- UH-- - OUT YOU GO, HYACINTH.

THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

OOF.

YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS, RICHARD BUCKET!

"BOUQUET!"

WELL?

PUSH!

HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?

NO, BUT THEY MUST BE UP THERE SOMEWHERE.

WAVE!

OH, COME ON.

IT WAS YOUR IDEA TO COME DOWN TO SOUTHAMPTON.

LOVELY DAY FOR A DRIVE, YOU SAID.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE SHE WENT.

STOP MY SHIP!

( foghorn )

I DEMAND YOU STOP THAT SHIP!

STOP? STOP IT?

I'M AFRAID THAT'S QUITE IMPOSSIBLE.

IMPOSSIBLE?! IF THE DRIVER CAN'T STOP,

WHAT'S HE DOING IN CHARGE

OF A VESSEL OF THOSE PROPORTIONS?

I DIDN'T KNOW WHICH OF THE SUITCASES WAS THE MOST IMPORTANT.

THEY'RE ALL IMPORTANT, RICHARD.

YOU SHOULD'VE BROUGHT THEM ALL.

( foghorn blows )

IT SEEMS A BIT ACADEMIC NOW, ANYWAY.

HYACINTH, RICHARD!

LIZ, EMMET, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WE DECIDED TO COME AND SEE YOU OFF.

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

WELL, RICHARD-- I--

THERE WAS A PROBLEM WITH THE MAP READING.

WE GOT STUCK IN SOME WATER,

- BOGGED DOWN IN A FIELD-- - SHH!

TOOK THE SCENIC ROUTE, DID YOU?

- EMMET. - I'M SORRY.

WE HAD A BIT OF A HOLDUP ON THE MERGEWAY,

- BUT IT SOON CLEARED. - HOW NICE FOR YOU.

- HALF AHEAD, CAPTAIN. - HALF AHEAD.

( ringing )

- WILL YOU GET THAT, TONY, PLEASE? - YES, SIR.

BRIDGE.

NO, MADAM, I'M AFRAID WE CANNOT GO BACK FOR YOU.

YOU COULD'VE WAITED.

DIDN'T YOU CHECK WE WERE ON BOARD BEFORE YOU SET SAIL?

MADAM, I'M SORRY YOU MISSED THE SHIP,

BUT IT'S NOT OUR FAULT THAT YOU WERE LATE.

( sobbing, swallowing )

ALL I CAN SUGGEST, YOU TRY AND CATCH US UP.

NOW, LISTEN TO ME, MY GOOD MAN--

IMPORTANT AS I AM IN LOCAL CIRCLES,

I HAVE NOT YET RISEN TO THE LEVEL WHERE I CAN WALK ON WATER.

WELL, IT CERTAINLY SOUNDS LIKE A MIRACLE--

YOU MANAGED TO GET THROUGH HERE.

WHAT I MEANT WAS, YOU COULD FLY TO COPENHAGEN

AND JOIN US WHEN THE SHIP CALLS IN THERE.

WHAT A WONDERFUL IDEA.

IT'S WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU.

OH, SEE YOU SOON!

I CERTAINLY LOOK FORWARD TO THAT.

COME ALONG, RICHARD, LOOK LIVELY.

- WE'RE GOING TO COPENHAGEN. - WHAT?!

WE'VE GOT TO GET TO SOUTHAMPTON AIRPORT.

COME ALONG, DEAR. BYE!

HYACINTH, I CAN'T GO AT THAT RATE!

THANK YOU, SIR.

Now boarding at Gate 3.

TWO OF YOUR NICER WINDOW SEATS, PLEASE.

PREFERABLY OVERLOOKING ONE OF THE ENGINES,

THEN I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON IT FOR THE CAPTAIN.

MY HUSBAND AND I WILL BE MET BY THE QE II.

THERE WE ARE, MADAM,

ROW TWO, SEATS "B" AND "C"

- OVERLOOKING THE STARBOARD ENGINE. - THANK YOU.

COME ALONG, RICHARD,

YOU HAVEN'T TIME FOR CHATTING WITH THE PORTER.

ACTUALLY, MADAM I AM A DENTIST ON HOLIDAY.

I'M JUST GIVING THIS POOR MAN A HAND WITH ALL THIS LUGGAGE.

REALLY VERY KIND OF YOU.

AND HE APPEARS TO HAVE ONE PIECE OF BAGGAGE TOO MANY.

COULD YOU ASK OUR PILOT

TO GO FASTER AND LAND A LITTLE EARLIER?

I'M AFRAID NOT, MADAM.

MY HUSBAND WOULD TIP HIM HANDSOMELY.

NO!

EXCUSE ME.

RICHARD,

DO STOP BEING SO ECONOMICAL IN PUBLIC.

CAN I ASK YOU SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR LUGGAGE?

YES, OF COURSE. ISN'T IT SMART?

I EXPECT YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I BOUGHT IT.

DO THEY BELONG TO YOU?

DO I LOOK LIKE THE SORT OF PERSON

WHO'D USE OTHER PEOPLE'S SUITCASES?

DID YOU PACK THEM PERSONALLY?

I WOULD NEVER ALLOW ANYBODY ELSE

TO TOUCH MY PRIVATE BELONGINGS.

HAVE YOU LEFT THEM UNATTENDED AT ALL?

NO, SHOULD I HAVE DONE?

HAS ANYONE APPROACHED YOU AND ASKED YOU

- TO CARRY ANYTHING THROUGH ON THEIR BEHALF? - THROUGH WHAT?

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ELECTRICAL OR BATTERY OPERATED?

OH YES, WE HAVE A TELEVISION SET,

A WASHING MACHINE, A LIQUIDIZER--

THANK YOU, MADAM, I WON'T KEEP YOU A MOMENT.

PLEASE BE VERY CAREFUL

WITH MY SET OF MATCHING EXECUTIVE LUGGAGE

WITH GENUINE LEATHER EMBELLISHMENTS AND INITIALS.

( speaking Danish )

AH, ALL RIGHT?

YOUNG MAN.

GOODBYE.

WHY DID WE HAVE TO BE HERE SO EARLY?

WE COULD'VE HAD ANOTHER THREE HOURS SLEEP IN THAT HOTEL.

DO STOP GRUMBLING, RICHARD, AND MAKE THE BEST OF IT, DEAR.

THE SHIP'S NOT DUE FOR AGES, YET.

WE'LL FIND A NICE COMFORTABLE SPOT

ON THE DOCKSIDE. OVER THERE LOOKS NICE.

WE'LL WAIT THERE.

BRING THE CASES OVER, RICHARD.

QUICK AS YOU CAN, DEAR.

NOW, WHILST I GUARD THE LUGGAGE...

YES, NOW GUARD THIS LUGGAGE.

THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE WORLD'S MOST EXPENSIVE LUGGAGE.

YOU GO AND FIND SOME NICE SWEDISH PERSON

WHO'LL PROVIDE US WITH A CONTINENTAL BREAKFAST.

WHY WOULD I WANT A SWEDISH PERSON?

THIS IS COPENHAGEN,

WE'RE IN DENMARK.

OH, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME, DEAR,

IT'S ALL SCANDINAVIA.

DON'T SAY THAT WHERE ANYONE'S LISTENING.

THIS IS A PROUD NATION.

THESE PEOPLE ARE DANES.

- DANES? - DANES, YES.

A VERY OLD SEAFARING NATION.

DANES?

AREN'T THEY THE ONES WHO USED TO ATTACK US IN THE DARK AGES,

RAPING AND PILLAGING?

THEY'RE THE ONE'S, SO DON'T GO CALLING THEM SWEDES.

CANCEL THOSE REFRESHMENTS, RICHARD,

I INSIST YOU STAY HERE

AND GUARD ME FROM THESE DANES.

- HYACINTH! - AND TO KEEP OUR SPIRITS UP,

- WE SHALL SING, RICHARD. - NO.

I'LL LEAD OFF, AND YOU CATCH ME UP.

- NO, I-- - * RULE, BRITANNIA *

* BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES *

Both: * BRITONS NEVER NEVER NEVER SHALL *

* BE SLAVES *

* RULE, BRITANNIA *

* BRITANNIA RULES THE WAVES *

* THEY'LL ALWAYS BE... *

( singing continues )

( foghorn blows )

SHE'S COMING! SHE'S COMING!

I THINK YOU'LL FIND SHE'S COME.

HMM?

WE'RE AT THE WRONG DOCK.

OH, NO!

HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET OVER THERE WITH ALL THIS LUGGAGE?

- WE'LL NEED SOME TRANSPORT. - WE NEED A TAXI.

TAXI?! TAXI?!

TAXI!

WE HAVE TO WALK.

RICHARD, YOU WILL NOT LEAVE ME HERE

WITH MY MATCHING EXECUTIVE LUGGAGE

WITH THE GENUINE LEATHER EMBELLISHMENTS AND INITIALS.

I WOULDN'T DARE.

OH, YES.

THIS WILL DO.

THIS WILL DO VERY NICELY.

YOU MUST TAKE SOME PICTURES FOR OUR FRIENDS, DEAR.

OH, WHERE'S MY LUGGAGE?

IT'S IN THE CAPABLE HANDS OF A TEAM OF PORTERS.

LUXURY AT LAST, RICHARD.

IT'S ALL BEEN WORTHWHILE, DEAR.

BUT AFTER THIS, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO CUT DOWN

- ON THINGS WE CAN'T AFFORD. - HMM?

LIKE SHERIDAN.

WHAT A WONDERFUL RELIEF THIS IS

AFTER OUR NARROW ESCAPE FROM THE DANES.

WELL, I NEED A BATH AND BED.

NOT YET, DEAR,

GO AND FIND ONE OF THOSE NICE SAILOR PEOPLE,

AND ASK THEM

TO PRESENT THE CAPTAIN WITH OUR COMPLIMENTS,

AND OUR APOLOGIES FOR MISSING DINNER WITH HIM LAST NIGHT.

ARE WE AT THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE?

CERTAINLY,

I WROTE TO HIM PERSONALLY

WITH A LIST OF MY DIETARY REQUIREMENTS

AND A RETURN INVITATION

TO ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

RICHARD, I KNOW YOU'RE TIRED, DEAR,

BUT I WANT YOU TO GO AND FIND OUT

EXACTLY WHERE THEY KEEP THE FIRST-CLASS LIFEBOATS.

I DON'T THINK WE'RE GOING TO SINK JUST NOW

- AS WE'RE STILL AT THE QUAYSIDE. - OH, BE PREPARED, RICHARD.

IN THE EVENT OF AN EMERGENCY,

I'D HATE ANYTHING DREADFUL TO HAPPEN...

SUCH AS STUMBLING IN THE DARK INTO A SECOND-CLASS LIFEBOAT.

OH,

WHERE ARE YOUR BINOCULARS?

WHY WOULD I NEED MY BINOCULARS?

IT GIVES A MORE SEAMAN-LIKE EFFECT, DEAR.

YOU CAN LOOK FOR THINGS--

ICEBERGS AND THINGS.

I'M SURE THE CAPTAIN HAS A LOOKOUT.

HE WON'T OBJECT TO A LITTLE HELP.

DO FETCH YOUR BINOCULARS, DEAR.

TRY TO LOOK MORE LIKE A DESCENDANT OF SIR FRANCIS DRAKE.

SIR FRANCIS DRAKE?

WITH A BEARD, YOU'D LOOK VERY LIKE HIM.

I'VE OFTEN THOUGHT SO.

CLOSE THE DOOR, DEAR, I'M GOING TO CHANGE.

CHANGE?

IT TOOK YOU AN HOUR AND A HALF TO DECIDE TO WEAR THAT!

I THINK IT'S MORE FOR AFTERNOONS.

YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME IT WAS MORE FOR AFTERNOONS.

OR SHOULD I SAY EIGHT BELLS?

HELL'S BELLS WOULD BE MORE LIKE IT.

I'LL WAIT UPSTAIRS.

RICHARD, IT'S NOT UPSTAIRS, DEAR,

IT'S ON DECK.

WELL, WHATEVER IT IS, I'LL BE UP THERE

LOOKING FOR ICEBERGS AND GROWING A BEARD.

Hyacinth: AND THIS IS WHERE WE SHALL BE DINING

AT THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE THIS EVENING.

I SHOULDN'T PIN TOO MANY HOPES ON THAT.

OH, WHICH REMINDS ME--

I MUST APOLOGIZE TO HIM

FOR MISSING HIS SHIP AT SOUTHAMPTON.

I'LL EXPLAIN TO HIM IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

IT WAS MORE YOURS, FOR GETTING STUCK IN THAT FIELD.

COME ALONG, RICHARD, KEEP UP, DEAR.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CHANGE TO SEE THE CAPTAIN, DEAR?

I DON'T THINK YOU'LL GET TO SEE THE CAPTAIN.

THEY DON'T ALLOW PASSENGERS ON THE BRIDGE.

OH, SURELY, RICHARD,

ONCE HE KNOWS YOU'RE A DESCENDANT OF SIR FRANCIS DRAKE.

I'M SORRY, MADAM, BUT THIS IS OFF LIMITS TO PASSENGERS.

WELL, OF COURSE I UNDERSTAND

FOR ORDINARY PASSENGERS, BUT THE CAPTAIN WILL WANT TO SEE ME,

I'VE INVITED HIM TO ONE OF MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS.

WELL, I THINK IT'S RIDICULOUS

THE WAY THEY GUARD HIM.

WHAT HAVE THEY GOT TO HIDE? THAT'S WHAT I'D LIKE TO KNOW.

OH, RICHARD,

YOU DON'T SUPPOSE THEY'VE LOST THE CAPTAIN?

I MEAN, THEY MIGHT HAVE LEFT HIM ON THE DOCKSIDE

AT SOUTHAMPTON.

OH, GOOD LORD, WHO'S STEERING?!

I DON'T THINK THEY'D LEAVE THE CAPTAIN BEHIND.

THEY LEFT ME!

WE'LL HAVE TO KEEP A CLOSE EYE OPEN THIS EVENING,

AND IF THE CAPTAIN'S MISSING,

I SHALL INSTITUTE INQUIRIES.

YOU CAN SEARCH THE SHIP.

GOOD JOB, YOU BROUGHT THOSE BINOCULARS, DEAR.

OH, RICHARD,

WE'RE GOING TO ENJOY

EVERY MOMENT OF THIS CRUISE.

NOW, WHAT SHALL I WEAR?

( screaming ) I THINK IT'S KIND OF YOU TO SHOW US--!

IT'S KIND OF YOU TO SHOW US AROUND.

ALL PART OF YOUR CRUISE-WINNER'S PRIZE, MADAM.

FIRST THING I'VE EVER WON.

YOU WON ME.

HIM FROM ARNOLD STREET KEPT COMING SECOND A FEW TIMES, DIDN'T HE?

THE ENGINE ROOM WAS FASCINATING.

I HAD AN OLD HILLMAN THAT USED TO GULP FUEL LIKE THAT.

IT WAS ALL SO CLEAN,

YOU MUST HAVE A GOOD DAILY HELP.

WE HAVE QUITE A FEW ACTUALLY.

THIS WAY.

I BET EVEN YOUR HYACINTH WOULD BE HARD-PUSHED TO FIND A MARK.

I THOUGHT ENGINE ROOMS

WERE FULL OF SWEATY MEN WITH DIRTY HANKIES.

NAH, THAT'S THE BETTING SHOP!

CAN I OPEN THEM NOW?

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN.

THIS STRIKES ME AS ODD.

I'M ON THE QE II,

I'VE GOT A CABIN WITH A VIEW,

AND HERE I AM WITH MY EYES CLOSED.

I NEED YOUR ADVICE, RICHARD.

EVEN WITH MY EYES CLOSED?

THAT'S A NOVELTY.

THERE.

WELL, YOU CAN TURN ROUND NOW, DEAR.

AND OPEN YOUR EYES, RICHARD!

- WELL? - WELL, WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF IT?

- OH, THE OUTFIT? - HMMM?

HAVE YOU CHANGED AGAIN?

RICHARD,

I EXPECT YOU TO NOTICE THESE THINGS, DEAR.

NOW, TELL ME, IS IT SUITABLE?

DOES IT GIVE THE RIGHT IMPRESSION?

GIVE ME A CLUE, WHAT IMPRESSION ARE WE LOOKING FOR?

EXPERIENCED FOREIGN TRAVELER, DEAR.

I'D HATE TO LOOK LIKE SOMEONE

WHO WASN'T USED TO BEING ON THE QE II.

NOW, DOES IT GIVE THE IMPRESSION...

THAT I'M TAKING ALL THIS IN MY STRIDE?

I THINK THAT I WAS HAPPIER WITH MY EYES CLOSED.

IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE I CAN SHOW YOU?

I COLD DO WITH LEARNING A FEW KNOTS.

WHAT DO YOU WANT KNOTS FOR?

I COULD TIE FATHER TO THE BED ON HIS OFF DAYS.

I THOUGHT YOU DID.

HE GETS LOOSE.

YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME, I'D HAVE HELPED YOU.

I DID TELL YOU, YOU TOOK NO NOTICE.

I MUST HAVE BEEN BUSY.

YOU WERE WATCHING TELLY.

WELL, THERE YOU ARE, I WAS BUSY.

WELL THEN, IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE YOU'D LIKE TO SEE,

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I SHALL RETURN TO MY DUTIES.

WELL, THERE IS ONE THING, SQUIRE.

I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO SEE THE INSIDE OF A LIFEBOAT.

OH, RIGHT.

THIS WAY.

I DID SHOW ENTHUSIASM.

YOU DIDN'T! YOU SHOWED NO ENTHUSIASM!

I TRIED TO SHOW ENTHUSIASM,

GIVE ME ONE MORE CHANCE, HYACINTH,

I'LL INFUSE IT TO DEATH!

- NO, I WOULDN'T SAY HATED!

I DAREN'T SAY HATED.

WELL, I HOPE I'VE NOW FOUND SOMETHING YOU APPROVE OF.

- I LIKE IT! - YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LOOKED AT IT YET!

I JUST KNEW INSTINCTIVELY

THAT I WOULD LIKE IT.

IT'S BIGGER THAN YOU THINK.

LISTEN WHO'S TALKING.

EXCUSE ME, SIR, YOU'RE WANTED IN THE RADIO ROOM.

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU.

- WILL YOU BE ALL RIGHT, UP THERE? - FINE.

RIGHT, I'LL JOIN YOU AGAIN IN A MINUTE.

DAISE, YOU WANT TO COME UP HERE AND HAVE A LOOK?

I'M NOT COMING UP THERE.

THIS IS NOT THE KIND OF SKIRT YOU CAN CLIMB LADDERS IN.

NOT THAT YOU'VE EVEN NOTICED.

NOW DON'T START THAT AGAIN.

ONE WHIFF OF SALT AIR AND YOU GO BANANAS.

I THOUGHT A CRUISE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE ROMANTIC.

IT'S NOT COMPULSORY.

- I KNEW YOU WERE WRONG, WE SHOULD'VE TURNED LEFT. - I DID TURN LEFT.

PERHAPS YOU'LL FOLLOW MY DIRECTIONS IN FUTURE.

I WAS FOLLOWING THEM. YOU SAID TURN LEFT.

THIS MUST LEAD TO A DECK.

- OH! - WHAT IS IT?

OH, THE SHAME, RICHARD, THE SHAME.

JUST TURNING RIGHT WHEN IT SHOULD'VE BEEN LEFT?

- IT'S NOT ALL THAT BAD. - NO, IT'S NOT THAT, DEAR.

IT'S ONSLOW AND DAISY.

- WHAT ABOUT THEM? - THEY'RE HERE!

HOW CAN THEY BE HERE?

WELL, THEY ARE.

I'VE JUST SEEN THEM

CLIMBING OUT OF A LIFEBOAT.

THEY MUST HAVE STOWED AWAY.

OH, RICHARD,

MY OWN SISTER, A STOWAWAY.

WELL, DAISY, MAYBE,

BUT DO YOU THINK ONSLOW WOULD GET UP EARLY ENOUGH

TO BE A STOWAWAY?

ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?

THEY WERE HIDING IN A LIFEBOAT.

HOW ELSE WOULD ONSLOW GAIN ACCESS TO THE QE II?

PERHAPS HE'S WON SOME MONEY ON THE HORSES.

NO, ONSLOW NEVER WINS ON THE HORSES.

YOU'VE SEEN THE WAY HE DRESSES.

DOES HE LOOK AS IF HE WINS ON THE HORSES?

THE HORSES DRESS BETTER THAN ONSLOW.

WELL, WHAT'S HE WEARING NOW?

HE LOOKS QUITE SMART AT THE MOMENT.

HE'S TRYING TO BLUFF HIS WAY THROUGH.

TRYING TO LOOK LIKE A PASSENGER.

OH, BUT MY POOR SISTER

SLEEPING IN A LIFEBOAT.

COWERING LIKE SOME CRIMINAL

ON THIS MAGNIFICENT SHIP!

AT THIS VERY MOMENT, PROBABLY HIDING

IN SOME FORGOTTEN CORNER OF THE BILGES.

( classical music plays )

ONSLOW,

I BROUGHT THE BLACK NEGLIGEE.

NOT THE BLACK NEGLIGEE.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN IT MIGHT COME IN HANDY.

NOW I KNOW WHAT THEY MEAN BY,

"THOSE IN PERIL ON THE SEA."

WE MUST FIND THEM AND HIDE THEM.

- HIDE THEM WHERE? - IN HERE.

AND ONCE THEY'RE SAFELY IN HERE,

YOU MUST GO TO THE PURSER, EXPLAIN THE SITUATION,

- AND PAY THEIR FARES. - PAY THEIR FARES?!

YOU MUST FIND A CABIN FOR DAISY, AT LEAST.

PERSONALLY, I WOULDN'T OBJECT

IF THEY CLAPPED ONSLOW IN IRONS.

THEY STILL DO THAT?

THEY OUGHT TO, IN HIS CASE.

NOW I MUST CHANGE, DEAR.

CHANGE? YOU MEAN THAT YOU'VE BROUGHT SOMETHING SPECIALLY

FOR SEARCHING FOR STOWAWAYS?

WE MUST ALTER OUR APPEARANCE, RICHARD.

I DON'T WISH TO BE RECOGNIZED

IN THE COMPANY OF STOWAWAYS.

NOW, HAVE YOU GOT SOMETHING

THAT YOU COULD USE AS A DISGUISE?

PERHAPS IF I TRIED TO LOOK UNMARRIED,

MAYBE THAT WOULD DO THE TRICK.

I COULD MURDER ONSLOW.

WHAT I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IS WHY WOULD ONSLOW

WANT TO STOWAWAY ON THE QE II?

I EXPECT DAISY DROVE HIM TO IT.

PERHAPS SHE WAS JEALOUS OF US.

POOR DEMENTED DAISY.

AFTER A LIFETIME'S NEGLECT,

SHE WANTED HER MOMENT IN THE SUN.

IF SHE KEEPS STOWING AWAY,

SHE'S GOING TO GET A MOMENT IN "THE SUN," "THE STAR"

- "THE DAILY MIRROR." - RICHARD,

THERE MUST BE NO PUBLICITY, DEAR.

IT WOULD DECIMATE ATTENDANCE AT MY CANDLELIGHT SUPPERS

AND SHERIDAN WOULD BE APPALLED.

LOOK, DISGUISE YOURSELF, DEAR, WE HAVE WORK TO DO.

COME ALONG, DEAR.

COME ALONG, RICHARD, DON'T JUST STAND THERE.

START JOGGING, DEAR.

- JOGGING? - EVERYBODY ACCEPTS JOGGERS.

JOGGERS ARE ABOVE SUSPICION.

WE CAN SCOUR THIS SHIP FROM TOP TO BOTTOM.

COME ALONG, DEAR.

NOW KEEP AN EAGLE EYE OUT FOR ONSLOW AND DAISY.

HOW.

KEEPING YOUR EYES SKINNED, DEAR.

KEEP YOUR EYES SKINNED, RICHARD.

- ANY SIGNS? - NO.

NO, LEAVE THAT, DEAR.

YES?

- SUGAR? - NO, THANK YOU.

- THAT WAS LORD LICHFIELD! - I KNOW.

( muttering )

( piano music playing )

I'M SORRY.

( bell rings )

COME ALONG, RICHARD.

WE'VE NO TIME FOR THAT SORT OF THING.

( classical music playing )

HYACINTH, WE HAVEN'T GOT THE TIME--

LET ALONE THE MONEY.

( cymbals ring )

DEAR.

( gasps )

AND REMEMBER, RICHARD,

THIS IS WHERE WE SHALL BE DINING AT THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE THIS EVENING.

I DON'T THINK I'LL HAVE THE BREATH.

OH.

NO, COME ON.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

- ( gasps ) - OOH!

I'M SORRY.

WHA--?

( dramatic music playing )

SORRY!

OH, RICHARD, LOOK,

THE CAPTAIN'S COCKTAIL PARTY--

TO WHICH, HAD WE NOT BEEN CHASING STOWAWAYS,

WE WOULD MOST CERTAINLY HAVE BEEN INVITED.

OH, AND I HAVE THE PERFECT OUTFIT FOR IT.

NOW, WHY DOESN'T THAT SURPRISE ME?

OH, AND IT'S VERY ELEGANT, TOO, RICHARD.

IT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE PERFECT SETTING

FOR MY PINK TWO-PIECE WITH THE MARCASITE BROOCH.

YOU KNOW, IF WE TOOK THE TIME TO LOOK,

IT'S REALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL OUT THERE.

I BELIEVE I COULD GET USED TO THIS,

GOING PLACES AND NOT HAVING TO DRIVE.

NOT THAT I EVER DO DRIVE.

I JUST STEER AND FOLLOW INSTRUCTIONS.

WHAT ON EARTH'S THE MATTER?

- ( gags ) - HAVE YOU GOT A FLY IN YOUR THROAT?

ARE THERE ANY FLIES? I DON'T THINK THERE ARE ANY FLIES.

WHAT IS IT?

THEY'RE IN THERE.

SOMEHOW THEY'VE BLUFFED THEIR WAY

INTO THE CAPTAIN'S COCKTAIL PARTY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT BY ME IF IT'S ALL RIGHT BY YOU.

( laughing )

I MUST SAY, HE GETS AWAY WITH IT, OLD ONSLOW.

WE HAVE TO GET THEM OUT OF THERE

BEFORE THE CAPTAIN REALIZES THEY'RE STOWAWAYS.

HOW DARE THEY ESCORT ME

FROM THE CAPTAIN'S COCKTAIL PARTY!

WELL, YOU WERE MAKING FUNNY GESTURES.

THEY WERE NOT FUNNY,

I WAS TRYING TO ATTRACT MY SISTER'S ATTENTION.

OH! YOU SEE WHAT THE TROUBLE WAS?

IN THIS JOGGING OUTFIT,

THEY WERE UNABLE TO TELL THAT I WAS SUITABLE MATERIAL

FOR THE CAPTAIN'S COCKTAIL PARTY.

IT'S TIME FOR MORE DIPLOMATIC MANEUVERS.

OH, NO. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT IN MIND NOW?

I SHALL APPEAL TO THE CAPTAIN PERSONALLY,

THROW MYSELF ON HIS MERCY.

I SHALL EXPLAIN TO HIM

THAT MY SISTER HAS LAPSES OF COMMON SENSE,

- DOES SHE? - SHE MARRIED ONSLOW, DIDN'T SHE?

NO, I SHALL TELL HIM, DEAR,

THAT YOU WILL PAY ONSLOW AND DAISY'S FARES--

WITH WHAT?

AND IN RETURN FOR THE CAPTAIN'S SILENCE AND DISCRETION,

I HOPE TO BE ABLE TO REPAY HIM.

I PERHAPS COULD ORGANIZE A LITTLE CONCERT FOR HIM.

OH, I COULD GIVE MY PROGRAM

OF SONG HIGHLIGHTS FROM H.M.S. PINAFORE.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND

THEY HAVE PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINERS ON BOARD.

OH YES, DEAR, BUT THERE'S NOTHING QUITE LIKE

THE FRESHNESS OF THE AMATEUR APPROACH.

I SHALL SPEAK TO THE CAPTAIN.

WHERE'RE YOU GOING TO GET TO THE CAPTAIN?!

AT DINNER THIS EVENING, DEAR.

NOW WE MUST CHANGE. COME ALONG.

AGAIN? OHH.

- GOOD EVENING. - GOOD EVENING.

- GOOD EVENING. - GOOD EVENING.

GOOD EVENING, MADAM, SIR.

GOOD EVENING, MR. AND MRS. "BOUQUET."

JUST ONE MOMENT PLEASE, MADAM.

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE IN THIS DINING ROOM, MADAM?

THIS IS RESERVED FOR FIRST-CLASS PASSENGERS.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND YOU SHOULD BE IN THE MAURITANIA RESTAURANT.

BUT THERE MUST BE SOME MISTAKE.

- EXCUSE ME, GOOD EVENING, SIR. - GOOD EVENING.

LET'S NOT DEBATE IT NOW.

LOOK, THERE ARE SOME PLACES AT THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE.

THOSE ARE RESERVED FOR THE CAPTAIN'S GUESTS.

AH, HERE THEY COME NOW.

THEY'RE DOING PRETTY WELL FOR STOWAWAYS.

WE'VE GOT TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOING ON, RICHARD.

CAN WE HAVE DINNER FIRST?

YOU CAN DO WHAT YOU LIKE,

I'VE LOST MY APPETITE.

YOU SOMEHOW HAVE TO CONTACT DAISY AND ONSLOW

AS SOON AS YOU'VE EATEN.

WELL?

THEY'RE HERE OFFICIALLY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OFFICIALLY"?

YOUR BROTHER-IN-LAW HAS WON FIRST PRIZE

IN A NEWSPAPER COMPETITION--

TWO TICKETS FOR THIS CRUISE

WITH ALL THE TRIMMINGS.

WHY DIDN'T THEY SAY SOMETHING?

WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL US?

ONSLOW SAID HE DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE US JEALOUS.

YOU SHOULD SEE THEIR CABIN.

- IT IS MAGNIFICENT. - WHAT--? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

- IT IS REALLY LUXURIOUS. CHAMPAGNE... - I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

- FLOWERS... - I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!

THEY'RE BEING TREATED LIKE FILM STARS.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

DON'T YOU WANT TO DANCE?

HMM?

I DON'T THINK SO, THANK YOU.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BEFORE WE GO ON TO THE NEXT DANCE,

ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE YOU TO A VERY SPECIAL GENTLEMAN.

A GENTLEMAN WHO ENTERED A COMPETITION

IN THE NATIONAL NEWSPAPERS

AND WAS CLEVER ENOUGH, OR LUCKY ENOUGH,

TO WIN FIRST PRIZE.

THAT FIRST PRIZE, OF COURSE, WAS A LUXURY CABIN FOR TWO,

AND LUXURY V.I.P. TREATMENT ON THIS VERY CRUISE.

SO A NICE BIG ROUND OF APPLAUSE, IF YOU WILL,

FOR ONSLOW AND HIS LOVELY WIFE DAISY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

PLEASE TAKE YOUR PARTNERS FOR AN "EXCUSE ME,"

AND ONSLOW AND DAISY, WHY NOT "PUT ON A HAPPY FACE"?

"Put on a Happy Face")

COME ON, HYACINTH, WE MIGHT AS WELL PUT--

OH, HELLO, HYACINTH.

EXCUSE ME, DAISY.

ONSLOW, CONGRATULATIONS.

SO THEN, THIS PURSER CHAP CAME UP TO THE CABIN,

AND SAID WE'RE ON THE CAPTAIN'S TABLE,

AND I THOUGHT, "BLIMEY!" I MEAN, YOU WIN A COMPETITION,

YOU GET A LUXURY CRUISE,

AND THEN THEY EXPECT YOU TO EAT WITH THE CREW!

( "Rock around the clock" plays )