Original subtitles

COMPUTER: Attention all crew. Missing Earth weather?

Get down to level 9 for Wind Week.

Today's wind, a stiff Atlantic breeze.

Tomorrow's wind is a mystery gust.

Find out which one at Wind Week on level 9.

- There's nothing here. - All right. Scan box 8, subsection 12 W.

Starboard array initiate, scanning.

Has anybody seen my pen? It's green with sparkles.

They're out there somewhere.

They'll be snared in the British net like bad mackerel.

Seriously, guys, I really do not want to go back to labeling all my pens.

- There's no smugglers round here. - Really. Okay, then what's that?

It's a bit of a Malteser.

Guys, can you all give your consoles a good wipe? Really give it the arm, please.

Futile. Utterly futile!

We patrol the same boxes over and over again. And for what?

Nothing. And why? Because Denmark has all the good boxes.

It's a joint operation, York. We're all mucking in.

But they choose their boxes. And so they get all the spoils, all the plaudits.

And you go along with it.

Like the worm that loves the robin that sups upon its marrow.

Found it. Yippee! My favourite one.

There's no room for ego in the fight against the menace of the specter of drugs.

I've read about that new drug. You look at it, you're addicted.

Mmm-hmm.

Initially it gets you what they call "high", and then about a week later

you think you are your own teeth. Sounds ghastly.

It's all right. You just drink plenty of water,

make sure you've got a loaf of bread for the comedown, and you're fine.

We'll sweep the box again. Sandstrom, turn and retrace course.

Stand on your head and wank down your nose.

- She's got a virus, I know. - And you said you'd fix it.

Thought she had Ploppymouth One and she hasn't. She's got Ploppymouth Two.

- Gonna take a while. - Gosh, look at this!

Single craft. Very small. Range, one giga mile.

What are the nay-sayers saying now, Mr York? It's not nay, is it?

- I think it's yay. - That's good.

Thank you. Vine, pursuit course. Sandstrom, follow at 35 Vs.

- Big yellow fannysplash! - Oh, this, this on the bridge...

- I'm on it. - It's rude.

Tut, tut.

HENDERSON: Teal, why don't you do the contact? Air screen, visual ate.

Hello. We are the British ship #MS Camden Lock.

Hi, there. Just to say, sorry, are you smuggling?

Because you really shouldn't and drugs are bad, so can you stop, please...

Give me that. Attention. This area is under British surveillance.

We are authorized by HM Customs and Excise to use maximum force.

Therefore, come out of your ship with at least two years' VAT receipts... or die.

No response, Commander. Death shall be their girlfriend.

I've seen that ship before. Vine, extrapolate the course.

- 10, 9... 4, 3... Zero... - Stop!

That's Clare Winchester, the round-the-galaxy solo spacewoman.

Oh, her. Breaks all the records.

- Started from nothing. - She ain't got no friends.

- That's the one. - She won't have seen a British soul in two years.

Why don't we surprise her? Twenty laser salute. The works.

- A pointless indulgence. - She'll love it! Sandstrom, pull alongside.

SANDSTROM: Piss!

You know she won the Earth to Mars race aged 13 in a ship her dad built from an old Land Rover?

What do you think about that?

Yeah, exactly! Set lasers to patriotic.

- Commander. - Commencify!

(RULE BRITANNIA PLAYING)

Air screen on.

Hello. I'm Commander Michael Henderson of the HMS Camden Lock.

The lights! The lights! No!

I'd just like to say on behalf of me and my crew

- and all your loved ones back in Blighty... - The lights! No/

Just for the record, attagirl!

They're in my head?

The lights are in my head.

Oh, I dig them out Dig them out. It'll be fine, probably.

Clare Winchester.

- Here. - Thank you.

You know, I mean, in retrospect,

- And another. - I don't think she's very well.

- And... - Thank you.

(MUMBLING)

I mean, she's been on her own for a long time.

- I think... - One more.

I think she's gone off the rails a little bit.

(MUMBLING)

What I'm gonna do is, I'm gonna go over there

and put her back in the saddle.

So you're neglecting our mission. And for what?

- A British person in distress. - A famous British person in distress.

- It's not like that. - I put it to you that you think

she's going to mention you in her next book. Invite you to awards ceremonies.

Call her next ship the Golden Henderson or something.

It's almost too pathetic to snigger at, but not quite.

(SNIGGERING)

You are totally wrong and the Golden Henderson is a very good name for a ship.

- Yes, leave him alone, Mr York. - I will.

On a ship for several hours with an attractive young woman starved of company.

I've just been thinking it through, actually, and I don't think you should go.

- Oh, come on... - Commander.

- Yeah, Vine. - The Danish guy's on the air screen.

- Does he look like he's got the hump? - Oh, yes.

- Hump. Let's go. Come here. - I've heard that she doesn't even fly her own ship.

Come on, get out.

Henderson, we see you are straying into box number 9.

Well, you know, we thought 8, 9, it's pretty close, what the hey.

We feel talents such as yours are best deployed in box number 8.

Oh, sorry, I couldn't quite catch that.

I think there is a little bit of astral interference your end.

- Hello? Hello? Hello? - Hello? Hello? Hello?

Hello, welcome to Copenhagen.

(IMITATING HIGH-PITCHED FREQUENCY)

Pretty good one today. Pretty good one.

Oscillating cable flux, check. Trim starboard sail five degrees.

Yes, I am doing it right! Look, I checked that half an hour ago!

Okay. Look, I think you and I have got some serious issues to discuss, okay?

If you're not gonna trust me in the navigation of this...

Hello! What a smashing little set up you got.

Get out! Get out of my ship!

- Get out! - Clare Winchester.

- Yeah. - Commander Henderson.

I spoke to you earlier from the Camden Lock, on the air screen.

Oh. Oh. Hi.

Look, I'm doing what's called a solo mission, which means I have to be absolutely alone

or it doesn't count. So it's so nice to meet you, but bye.

I was just really close, I thought I'd pop over and...

- That's really sweet but... - Hold still. Eh! The album.

That is why I can't have anyone... Six, oh, God!

- It's amazing. What's all this? Look at this table... - No, don't touch...

I don't like it because the spankies get in and they make me go...

- A little toilet. - Don't touch that because also that's got...

It's run out of the cleaner stuff and it's gone really quite...

Yeah.

God, I knew it!

- Wow! - Ends in a nine!

Nine pocket, eight pocket, seven, six, five pocket, four pocket, three pocket, two pocket, one.

- Good cake. - No!

No, that's my only slice.

I'm sorry, you can't have that. I'm saving that for the Christmas after next.

And look, you know, it's so nice to meet you,

and it's been so nice for me to have you, but I'm afraid I'm quite busy.

- So thanks. - Do what you've got to do.

Clare Winchester.

Attention all crew.

This is Mr York speaking.

The Commander is temporarily absent, leaving me in charge.

But whilst he's away, good news.

We are going to have another one of our Personal Combat Readiness Drives.

And I suggest that you all remain alert.

Very alert, for I may physically attack any one of you at any time.

Carry on. York out.

Is that just for cadets and that or does it apply to officers...

- Do you submit? - Yes.

Learn, Vine. Learn.

The bit between your bum hole and your girl place!

And fix Sandstrom, Jeffers. Or you're next.

Must get to you being out here, on your own.

- Must get quite lonely, I guess. - No, it's fine.

Yeah?

Mr Cup says I'm hearing things, but then what does he know? He's just a cup.

Yeah, he is just a cup.

Don't talk about Mr Cup like that.

(WHISPERING) He's very violent.

As I say, I think it's really got to you.

But starting right now, right this minute,

let's see if we can't turn that frown upside down, yeah?

All right, shut your eyes.

- No, I don't want to. - Really?

No, no.

Okay.

Good.

Okay. You are going to like this. This is great!

Okay, open them.

Look, look.

"Me stressed" ”, is what he's saying.

I got one of these up in the toilet. It always works, always.

York's giving it all that and Teal's giving it all this and, bit hassled,

I just look at that and I think, "Henderson, man... chill your loaf. Look at the monkey."

It's an ape.

It's a monkey.

I hate it.

Clare, I am trying to reach out to you and you are making it very difficult for me.

It's pathetic. It's so pathetic. I don't really know what to say to you.

- You think that's pathetic? - I do.

- All right, do you know what I think is pathetic? - What?

You going round the galaxy making a big zero in the sky because you've got no mates.

Wah!

That's pathetic, madam.

Idiot!

You big fat idiot!

COMPUTER: Attention all crew.

A rumor has been circulating that the “P" in the P-Rods used in the engine room

stands for "plutonium". It doesn't

It stands for "perfectly safe”.

- Hello. It's the Commander. - Hello, Commander.

My suit radio’s turned off right now but please leave a message.

Hello, Commander. Hi. Just ringing really to make sure you're okay.

So, you're probably on your way back, but just if you get a mo, do give me a call back. Thank you.

Right.

(MUTTERING) Stupid...

Hello, Commander, sorry, it's me again. Me as in, erm, Teal.

I was just ringing to say it was me, Teal, because I didn't say that before

so you might have wondered who on Earth is that at the end of the phone!

Yes, so... Oh, hang on. There's a call waiting, so I'll just...

- This is Mr York speak... - No, that's not you.

So what I'll do is I'll get off in case you're ringing.

We might be calling each other at the same time, like...

(MUTTERING) A couple!

(CLARE SNIFFLING)

- Clare, I didn't mean what I said. I'm sorry. - You did mean it. You did.

It's what everyone says about me. Clare Winchester's got no friends. It's true.

Maybe they're just jealous, you know.

I'm jealous. You know what I'm doing up here?

I'm patrolling a little empty box of space.

'Cause the Danish don't trust me with the big stuff.

I wouldn't tell that to the guys but... I know it's true. And you!

You're traveling round the galaxy quicker than anyone has ever done.

- And that is special, you know. You're special. - I'm not.

You are, you're brave and you're pretty.

And I know you've got a nice smile 'cause I've seen it.

There it is.

No one's ever said all of that to me before.

We've got a lot in common, Clare, you and me, you know.

You started out from nothing, and me, when I was a cadet...

No, stop. Keep talking about me.

All right. What do you want me to say?

What do you think about my hair?

I think your hair

is very... nice.

And mouse is a very underrated color.

(SCREAMING)

Now, if we go back to box 8, I've plotted a course that'll get us...

Oh, no, Mr York, not again. You've already done me four times.

Yes. You're right, you've have had your share.

Now I've plotted a course that'll bypass the positronic...

You see, if I were a Red Shiny Robot of Vortis,

I'd now be drilling into your head to extract your mind.

Never let your guard down, Mr Vine.

What do you think of my fingers?

Well, I.. I can't think of a better way to end your hand.

- What do you want me to do? - My ear.

I liked it when you said the other one was like a shell.

Okay, okay.

Ohhh...

This one is like a shell, too.

Clare, look...

I think you're gonna be all right now, yeah?

I'm gonna have to go back to my own ship.

But I want you to keep the poster, "Me stressed".

Think of it as a little present, yeah?

Oh!

You wouldn't mind signing your book for me, would you?

I mean, you could put something like

"To my inspiration, Michael Mike Henderson.

"He did more for me than real words could ever say."

Something like that.

- Write what you want. It's your book, isn't it? - Don't go.

- Clare, I can't leave that lot on their own. - Stay and say nice things to me.

For how long?

- Until I get bored and have to kill you. - What're you doing?

I don't care what you think, Mr Cup. I'm keeping him.

And you know what? We're gonna have sex later.

- I think I'm gonna mount him. - Ah!

- What do you think about my cheeks? - I think they're round and rosy like a dumpling.

What about my face chin?

Beautiful, like a warmed baguette.

I would like to see it again.

(NERVOUSLY) Hello. There's been a change of plan. I'm staying on Clare's ship.

It's quite nice, really, a real des RES!

No QUEUE for the bathroom.

And the MEALS seem very nice indeed.

So please, please, please,

do (not) worry about me.

Bye, bye. Bye.

- I think... I think he might be in danger. - Yes.

But, unfortunately, there's absolutely nothing we can do.

Commander Henderson was a brave man. we'll not see his like again.

- What? - And in honor of him,

I shall rename the level 3 snack bar, the Henderson Level 3 Snack Bar.

Or I could use our recently honed combat skills, head an elite team, get in there and rescue him.

I think we should do that, actually. I think we should probably do that.

But would that be an appropriate use of the ship's resources?

Well, I think it would, actually. I really think it would.

Damn, we're going in. Follow me to the armory. He wouldn't do this for us.

- He would. - He wouldn't.

- He would. - He would not.

- He would. He loves us. - Love? What does that mean?

- I've got a nephew who thinks you're brilliant. - I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to forge an emotional connection with me so that in the end I won't kill you.

- I've done a hostage course, too. - Really? The New Portsmouth one?

Yeah.

- How did you know that? - Oh, everyone does that one.

The Bob Gardner one. Big bloke. Ex-para. Loves his line-dancing.

- He has a beard. - Yeah, yeah, that's right.

Really funny thing happened actually when I did that one.

- Excuse me, now he was late, and he... - You're doing it again.

Yeah, sorry.

- Mr Cup says I should just kill you now. - Good old Mr Cup.

(CLARE GASPS)

(BEEPING)

Ends in a nine! Nine pocket, eight pocket, seven, six,

five pocket, four pocket, three pocket, two pocket, one.

- I'm surprised you don't do Kings and Queens. - What's Kings and Queens?

Oh, just an old Space Force superstition.

Okay, all right, erm...

Let's try and get this right. You hold something blue, and you shut your eyes

and then you recite all the Kings and Queens of England.

And what does that do?

It stops your oscillating flux cables from overloading.

- I haven't got time for that. - Whatever. Your cables, darling.

- William I. - Shut your eyes or it won't work.

William I, William II, Henry I...

- Stephen. - Stephen.

- Why don't we get all that? - Design and build your own. As I did.

V Force, assume formation.

V Force... (SHOUTS ORDERS)

I think we should be K Force.

It's V Force, Mr Jeffers.

V. V for vanquish, vengeance, victory.

Vindication. Verve. Vim, vigour.

Oh, vaporize. Just thought of that one. Lot of choice with a V.

Yeah, but it's a bit, you know, we're in outer space. You might as well say X Force.

X Force! You are seriously comparing V Force with X Force?

X Force sounds fine to me, to be honest.

Oh, for goodness sake, does it really matter what we're called?

- Can we just get on with it? Can we, please? - What about Guardians of the Cosmos?

- I take it you fixed Sandstrom, Jeffers? - I have.

Because I won't have a foul-mouthed cyborg in charge of this vessel while we're gone.

- Silver Angels? - I fixed her.

- If you're lying to me... - Hey... huh?

V Force! Listen up.

The Commander may have Stockholm Syndrome, in which he identifies with his captor.

If this should be the case, if he resists,

I order you to neutralize him with extreme prejudice.

Don't you dare hurt him, Mr York!

If you do I'll pummel you with my stun-pummeller. Don't think I won't.

(GASPS)

To the airlock!

The Sky Valkyries?

King Charles III, King Harry I, Queen Shanice.

King Keith.

(SCREAMING)

Allow us to introduce ourselves!

We are the Four Horsemen of your own private Apocalypse.

- Get off my head, Jeffers! You tit! - TEAL: Commander?

Drop your weapons and sit on my bed.

Sandstrom, we're drifting away from the other ship.

Quim!

Yeah, well, we thought maybe we should correct the course a bit.

Tit with a knot in it.

There's too many of you. You'll slow my ship down.

And I only need one of you to say nice things.

Look, Clare. If you spare me and murder my crew,

- what does that make you? - Who says I'm keeping you, huh?

- Oh, I just assumed... - Maybe someone else is better at compliments.

Nobody speak.

I would just like to say that I love the way you hold a gun.

A lady certainly doesn't have to wash to smell sexy.

What?

Mr Cup says I should just kill you now.

- Mr Cup says it's the only way. - It's the cup. It's the yellow cup.

Mr Cup says I should just pull the trigger.

Mr Cup says it's the only way.

You are not welcome in this quadrant. You have 30 seconds to leave

- It's the Danes! - The next shot will not be a warning.

- It's the Danes. - They're docked with a Lemurian freighter.

- Hang on, the Lemurians are... - Notorious drug smugglers.

And the Danes are in on it! And that's why they kept us in box number 8!

They mustn't see we're here. 1 suggest we keep back and stay...

- Shame on you! - Henderson?

You've dragged the great name of Denmark through the mud, you drug-trafficker!

Oh!

You're a bloody disgrace. A disgrace to bacon and a disgrace to Lego.

And a disgrace to the legend of the great Peter Schmeichel.

You will go right now, sir, to Starbase 3,

and you will turn yourself in and face justice.

Kill them.

Clare! Clare, we need to go to my ship.

Mr Cup says I'm imagining you. Mr Cup says I'm imagining all this.

- It'll all stop in a minute. - Listen to me. Mr Cup is a prick.

He is pure ceramic evil. Don't listen to him.

- Fly us to my ship, and they'll protect us. - Mr Cup says you're wrong.

Mr Cup says I'm stupid for ever believing that you're real.

Mr Cup says it's exactly the kind of stupid, stupid, stupid thing

that I'm always doing. Mr Cup, will you just shut up!

- Clare? - Where to?

Camden Lock! Camden Lock! We have two hostile ships in pursuit.

- Open fire when in range. - Drink my jacksie juice.

You said you fixed her.

Sandstrom, open fire when in range. Do you understand?

Slam your cock in the fridge.

- She doesn't understand. - Wait a minute, wait a minute.

She no longer understands English. Don't you see?

Ploppymouth Two has now corrupted her entire operating system.

If we converse with her in sufficiently base terms,

- she may follow our commands. - You want me to swear?

It's our only f-fighting chance.

Sandstrom, you, erm...

Helmet worm?

What?

Sandstrom, you helmet worm. Open fire on enemy spunkbuckets.

Cocking confirmed.

Fly true, you silver dart of fury!

Destroy!

You Danish bastards!

Yes. Yes. Come on. Yeah.

Oh, you liked that, you little nutcase.

And so, thanks to the brave actions of my crew, the peril of the specter of the nightmare

of the menace of drugs has been banished from this sector

for a long, long time to come. This concludes my report.

I am Commander Michael Mike Hendo Henderson. Out.

Yes, today we were fortunate. But the forces of evil encircle us

hour by hour, like thirsty she-wolves, and sooner or later they shall pounce.

Oh, yes, they shall pounce.

You've always got to bring the bloody mood down, haven't you?

- What do you mean? - Vine, set course for the Lakeworld of Sproo.

- I think we've earned a couple of days fishing. - Hear my tongue.

- They shall pounce. - Lighten up! Sandstrom, Commencify that course.

Yes, Commander.

Good to have you back, kiddo. Air screen. Port view, please.

There she goes. And into the history books.

She'll be all right now.

Oscillator B leveling off at twelve, check.

Vector 18 by 3

by 2-6-6.

Will you stop wolf-whistling while I do this?

I'm trying to do some work here.

I don't do that kind of thing straightaway in a relationship.

You're just gonna have to bear with me here. I wanna go slowly.

Work-based romance is notoriously difficult

and my last boyfriend was a terrible, terrible bastard.

No, you're not. You're not an ape.

You're a monkey. A dirty, dirty monkey!

Oh, just a big hug.

The Commander is currently indisposed. The ship is now mine.

Please can you take your hand from out of there?

Ah, the chosen one!

Sorry.