All language subtitles for Going Dutch s01e02 Tanks for Nothing.eng

Let's go.

- Doc.

She has no recollection

of the last eight years.

Bring it on.

I came here to help you.

"Kitchen Nightmares �

Are you in.

And �Going Dutch �

Pew pew pew.

First guns I've
seen on the base.

Let's go,
let's go.

All available now.

[band music]

You're too fat to be here.

So should we, like,
move to a conference room?

I mean, I wouldn't mind
more leg room. No offense.

- Just like a thing here.
- You can't say that, sir.

Here in the army. He's too fat
to be here in the army.

- Not too, like, fat to live.
- No.

We talked about body-positive
language,

remember? There's
a physical fitness requirement.

- Which he can't pass!
- He's working on it!

He doesn't get a trophy
for trying.

What is it with your generation
and trophies?

- Don't go off on this rant.
- Okay.

Not going off on a rant.
Stop trying to body-shame him.

I want him to be ashamed
of that body in that ACU.

Sorry, sir, I don't do shame.

I left society's mind prison
years ago.

Let me tell you something, mister.

Everything about you
is against army regulation.

Your mustache, your hair,
your attitude...

Is that even army-issued?

Jacket and pants are actually

from a XXXL GI Joe costume.

But you don't like me wearing
this uniform, that's fine by me.

This cotton blend is ass.
I'm pitted out by 10 a.m...

What the colonel is too angry
to say is that

wearing a uniform
is non-negotiable.

It's what makes you a soldier.

- Correct.
- As head of IT...

- Am I really a soldier, though?
- Yes.

You made a commitment to serve
your country. You're a soldier.

Am I really? I mean, come on.

You're suspended
from active duty.

If this is the future of
combat, you know what-

[Shah]
General Davidson's here, sir.

What? No, no, he can't see him.
I'll never hear the end of it.

We-we gotta put him
in the supply closet. Let's go.

- Get up, get up! Let's go. Yeah.
- What?

Wait a second. Why can't I just
go in the closet voluntarily?

You're not gonna fit. It's gonna
be a smoosh job. Let's go.

- Officers, come on, come on.
- Well, take that. Take that.

- [Papadakis] I'm going in the...
- Come on.

Get in. All right, all right,
take a breath. Take a breath.

Breathe in. Come on.
Watch your foot.

- There we go.
- Are ya just gonna stand there?

- Come on. Help!
- [Papadakis groans]

Corporal Papadakis,
move your ass!

- Move your ass!
- Here we go. Press, press.

- Here we go. Ooh. You got it?
- Wait, wait, wait.

- Got it. We got it.
- [chuckles]

[door opens]

Welcome to Stroopsdorf, sir.

[Davidson] I wanted to see
with my own eyes just how far

you've fallen. Yikes!

You've gone from warmonger
to cheese-monger.

Thank you, sir.
Always nice of you to drop by.

Actually, I need your help with
my upcoming NATO tank maneuvers.

Oh, really? What, uh, unit
would I be commanding?

Traffic.
Service bases exist to assist.

You didn't think I was gonna
actually let you participate?

Let me be clear.
Your career is over.

You will never
command a tank again.

You have been sent out
to pasture.

At least this one has tulips.
Heh-heh.

- [door opens]
- [Davidson] He's all yours.

- How'd it go?
- Great.

Gonna be crossing guards
for tank maneuvers.

Traffic? That's huge!

- Yup. Huge insult.
- Mm, why are you smiling?

Because we're gonna
steal a tank.

[rumbling]

[Maggie] Oh, God!

- Did you forget about me?
- Yup.

Let's run through the plan
one more time, major.

General Davidson's running
tank maneuvers in rural Germany.

It's exclusively using
older tanks, so the army

can see which ones
need to be replaced.

[Shah] Our mission, steal
a decommissioned Abrams tank...

[Conway] First I use the magic
that is me to borrow an HET,

the only tow truck large enough
to haul a tank.

[BA] Then I will drop
a signal blocker.

[Shah] That way, when
the first tank breaks down,

I'm the only one to respond.
Looking like a badass.

Copy that. On our way.

[Shah] Then we haul the tank
on to our HET.

[Patrick] This is the most
difficult part of the mission,

which is why
I will be taking it on myself.

And I get to mail
the decommission report

to cover our tracks.

Hurray, this plan shows
that you don't know

the Stroopsdorf soldiers at all.

We're not being utilized
correctly.

Some of us have too much to do,
and others, not nearly enough.

If you're referring
to your reduced role,

that is because I suspected
you lacked enthusiasm.

Permission to speak freely, sir.

What've you been doing
up to now?

The mission is stupid, if you

get caught, your career is over.

So all the more reason
to put us

in the right spots,

starting with me
in a leadership position.

You can't complain
that the mission is stupid

and then bitch about the size
of your role in it.

That's like saying
the meal sucks,

but the portions are too small.

Major Shah, you can't think this
is a good idea.

The army's gonna throw
the tank away. We need it more.

We're not a combat base
without a tank.

We're not a combat base!

Not without a tank, we're
not. I'm glad we agree on that.

I think we're saying
the same thing.

[Maggie] Mm, this will be
a disaster.

You can't give BA
this much responsibility.

BA's gonna be fine.

You forgot to breathe during
our fantasy football draft,

and you passed out. He folds
under the slightest pressure.

- No, I don't.
- Yes, you do.

- You're right, I do.
- Not to mention...

The biggest flaw
in your plan here is you.

You've never been
behind the wheel

of an 18-wheeler in your life.

How would you know?
I was never around. Remember?

- Good one, sir.
- All right, listen.

Everybody has a lot to do.

Go do it. Dismissed.

Listen, sergeant, you gotta
get me a driving instructor.

I've never driven an 18-wheeler
in my life.

- I gotcha, colonel.
- Okay.

[band music]

[Maggie] Nothing I ever do
is good enough for him.

[laughs] Look, I'm sorry you
feel left out of the mission,

but honestly, you're better off.
It's already a pain in my ass.

Do you need help
getting that HET?

Oh, please.
That took two phone calls.

I met this Dutch weirdo
named Baas

smoking hookah
at a art gallery showing.

Turns out
his company makes the HET.

The only problem
is that in exchange,

he wants an immersive experience
of American excess.

- Ah, well, his words.
- Oh, that's perfect!

Running a black-market deal
will prove to my dad

that he needs me on the mission.

I'm surprised you want in,
I'd call you a Goody Two-Shoes,

but that would imply
that those shoes look good.

They're assigned.

They're assigned to hurt my ass.

- Who'd Conway get to teach me?
- Local businesswoman.

She said they were
the only person in Stroopsdorf

with a big rig license.

Okay, cool.

Oh, hey. How you doing?

That's the, uh, madam
from the brothel.

- Is that a problem?
- We had this kind of a thing.

A moment at the tulip festival.

I'm not gonna do anything,
I'm just concerned for her

'cause she was
so clearly into me,

and I'm not gonna do anything.

- Good.
- [Katja] Colonel Quinn.

- Hey!
- Without the fancy uniform...

You are less striking
than I remember.

And you're more blunt
than I remember.

Not blunt. Just Dutch. We
believe politeness is deceit.

Check on the HET for me. You're
my eyes on this, all right?

Make sure these other idiots
step up to my standard

of excellence. I'm going in.

[band music]

[truck door shuts]

What level of excellence
was that?

Ah, this truck sucks!
We need another one.

When I was studying for my PhD,
I took a job as a long hauler.

I'd listen to the required
reading on audiobook.

Get paid to study.

Now you try again, and try
not to embarrass yourself.

[Patrick] Eighteen gears
is too many gears.

I-I-I think you are bringing
your troubles into the truck.

I'm working with my daughter,
everything's

a battle with her.
And not the fun kind.

You thought you would learn
how to drive

this truck
to prove something to her.

Not trying to prove anything
to her, I'm trying to prove

to my enemies
that I'm still in my prime.

Like, late prime.
Tail-end prime.

I don't mind acknowledging
the passage of time.

At my age, I no longer have
the energy to do everything.

So I preserve my energy
for what I'm good at.

You can go ahead and slip it in.

- What?
- Into third gear.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

[upbeat music]

Hey, major!

What are you doing here,
uninvited and underdressed?

Okay, so I got a question
for you, why are you throwing

an eighth-grade graduation party
at Mar-A-Lago?

Baas wanted to celebrate
American excess.

So I got beer pong and the
room-temperature 12-layer dip

and a Hulk Hogan impersonator.

- Mm, not so great.
- Okay, it's the Netherlands.

If I was in Tampa, I could throw
a rock and hit a Hulk Hogan.

Okay. And how does Jan
fit into this?

Oh, Baas likes improv comedy.

- Would you like a cocktail?
- Yes, please.

All right, here you go.
There you go. Oh, no!

- You dropped it. Oh, my God.
- Oh, no!

What's wrong with you?
It's okay. I have a broom. Okay.

So we show Baas a great time, he
agrees to loan us the tow truck,

and then we steal ourselves
a tank.

- Easy-peasy.
- Nice work, captain. All right.

- I got it from here.
- Whoa, no.

It's, it's... This is my thing.

I'm-I'm running it, so...
But thank you.

Yeah, no, I'm your superior
officer who's been ordered

by his superior officer
to make sure that

things run smoothly.
So I'm going to be running this.

How am I ever supposed to earn
the colonel's respect

if I'm never given the chance?

Look, I've negotiated
with warlords.

I think I can handle
a Dutch party boy.

- Okay. Well... Yeah, yeah.
- They're here? Let's go.

- Do I look okay? Okay.
- No. Hi!

She's a burger, freedom fry.

- [laughter]
- Baas!

Maggie put this all together
for you.

It's a pleasure
to finally meet you.

And I hope that you're ready
to be wined and dined.

- And 79'd.
- Yes.

Or 69'd.

Maybe if it was the 1920s.

Things have advanced a little
further here on the continent.

Okay, yeah, I didn't know that
they invented a new sex thing

out here. I-I wasn't, uh, given
the update, Baas Baby.

Can I call you Baas Baby?
Not like the movie Boss Baby.

Which is a solid movie,
a hilarious Halloween costume

if you have a newborn.

[Maggie chuckles]

Mm.

[laughter]

- Let's dance!
- Yes!

I'll get out there. I'll see ya,
I'll see you guys out there.

- What have we got?
- He said you have to go.

- [mumbles]
- Go. You gotta go.

Okay. Yeah.

- You have picked it up quickly.
- I had a great teacher.

I find your whole bluntness
thing very intriguing.

I am intrigued by you as well.

Most of the soldiers
in Stroopsdorf are flapdrols.

It best translates
as useless turds.

But you are clearly
not a flapdrol.

So what am I?

A emotionally-closed-off father

with no connection
to his adult daughter.

You see a lot of bad fathers
in my work.

- Oh, yeah. Sex work.
- Higher education.

- But, yeah, the sex work, too.
- Hm.

- You can drop me off up here.
- Okay.

If you desire
better communication

with your daughter,
a compliment can go a long way.

Well, listen, I, uh, I'd love

to learn something else from you
sometime. What's your PhD in?

Intersectional feminism
in late-stage capitalism.

Oh. Fun.

[dance music]

[sighs] Beautiful night.
Wow, the stars really just-

You came out here to make sure
I didn't go back inside.

- Didn't you?
- Yeah.

Sorry. Baas really hates you.

Is Papadakis having a seizure?

He's doing the worm.
His version. Love it.

I'm sorry
I didn't fit into your party.

To be fair,
I spend most of my time

as an angry boomer
sounding board.

What is it like being
the only person in the world

who receives my father's
attention and affection?

- It's not that great.
- Don't lie to me.

It's the best. His love is like
a scarce resource.

So it's more valuable
than everyone else's.

That's what I thought.

That used to be enough, to serve
him, while I served in the army.

But lately I've been thinking
I need to start trying to...

serve myself sometimes.

- Yeah.
- [Patrick] Hey.

- Hey.
- Um...

Baas wanted us
to throw him a party

in order to feel comfortable
enough to lend us the HET.

- Right.
- So I made it happen.

- Great job.
- Is that a compliment?

- Compliments can go a long way.
- Mm-hmm.

And this, obviously,
very successful.

I think parties is something
I can be...

uh, so positive with you,
you know, about...

Okay, well,
I'm sure this means that

I will have more responsibility
in the mission moving forward.

Ooh. Let's not get ahead
of ourselves.

- That's a whole different thing.
- I just secured us the HET.

By throwing a party, which
I just complimented you on,

but it doesn't mean
you're talented enough

for a tactical mission.

Talented enough?
I'm not talented enough?

I am an officer
who deserves your respect!

I don't know why,
after a compliment, you're still

arguing with me,
you're not doing anything

the prostitute said
you were gonna do.

What am I supposed to do
with that?

I don't know. Throw a party.

Ah, we gotta go.
We have a tank to steal.

This HET has got
a different gear shift

than the one I trained on.

Oh, well, this model is
a few years older

than the one you asked for,

but we got
a way better deal for it.

- And there's this.
- Baas threw this in.

It's gonna look great
hanging in the DFAC

as it doubles in value.

Abstract impressionism
is back, baby.

- [chuckles] Sir.
- Mm-hmm.

At least I can count on BA
to do what I told him, right?

[intense music]

BA, what are you doing here?

Medic!

Private BA?

BA? Colonel,
I think we should abort.

[man on radio] Disabled tank.
Requesting pick-up.

Uh-huh. See?
Nothing to worry about.

Mm-hmm.

- That's not an Abrams.
- Good eye.

- It's a German Leopard.
- It's a German tank.

Yeah. I mean,
now I'm remembering.

[Patrick] Davidson said
it was NATO maneuvers,

but I just assumed it was gonna
be an American Abrams, but...

- No biggie.
- Yeah. No biggie. No biggie.

No one in our entire army
knows how to work this thing.

It's basically
a 60-ton paperweight.

I need to find second reverse
here. Hang on. Okay.

- Ah, I don't know.
- Are you serious right now?

You're putting your cheaters on?

- What's wrong?
- Everything is wrong.

You're stealing a tank
you can't use,

in a truck that you can't drive,
on a mission

you didn't need to take!
Why are we even here?

We're here to prove to Davidson
and everybody else

that I am still in my prime.

- You're in your prime?
- My late prime. I'm...

I'm Jordan on the Wizards.
That's who I am.

Jordan on the Wizards
was terrible!

He bullied
all the younger players

and was shooting
18-foot fadeaways.

[engine revving]

- [engine revving]
- What just happened?

Somebody stole the tank
that we were gonna steal.

I know BA and the tank
are out there somewhere.

This is ridiculous!
We lost a-a soldier.

And a 60-ton tank
doesn't just disappear.

The tank is here now,
behind you.

- Oh.
- How'd your mission go?

'Cause mine went, uh,
pretty well.

[Maggie] After I left the party
where my father called me

untalented,
I discovered these maneuvers

utilized mostly NATO tanks.

Then I played
Instagram detective

on NATO tank operators.

DM'd one
that had a Dutch girlfriend

and offered a transfer
to Stroopsdorf.

And then I rode
all the way here,

hatched down, wind in my hair.

- Flies in my mouth.
- Hm. Why?

To prove to you
that I am talented enough

to be in your army.

Talented enough to steal
this from right under your nose.

Yeah, but why?
Why did you bring it here?

I was gonna tow it to a barn
outside of town.

Don't you think
it's a tad conspicuous

that we have a tank
the day after tank maneuvers?

Yes, but I was so focused
on completing the mission

that I didn't consider
the consequences.

Which is just like every other
US army mission since 2001.

Sir, General Davidson is here.

Why do you think he's here?

- Because of the...
- Can't hear you.

Because of the tank that's here.

We found this shaved gerbil
at HQ.

Under questioning, he admitted,

"Helping the colonel
get his tank."

[Davidson] So you stole the tank
from our maneuvers.

And now I can finally
drum you out for good.

[intense music]

I'm the one who did it.

I'm the one who should be
punished, sir.

Hold up, captain,
I think punishment

might be too strong a word for,

uh, spending base resources
on the painting.

- The painting?
- The painting?

The one that Private BA was
referencing entitled "Tank."

The captain had it commissioned
to commemorate our participation

in your operation.

[Davidson] Why is it called
"Tank"? I don't even see a tank.

You'd have to ask the artist.
Local guy, very talented.

[Davidson] If he's local, then
I should be able to ask him.

Sure.

[band music]

[Jan] So my work
is politically neutral,

but emotionally,
it's revolutionary.

I try not to challenge the mind.

Rather, whisper in your ear,

tickling down your neck
with hot breath of modern world.

Jan is really good at improv.
I think I see today.

Yeah, Major Shah
definitely bought us some time,

but General Columbo's gonna keep
asking questions.

Don't worry, though.
I have a plan. So I was-

No, no. I'm thinking.
I'm-I'm...

- I might have...
- [mumbles]

If you wanna convince the
colonel that you have the best

idea, you gotta make him think
it's his.

Right. Thank you.

And thank you
for saving me back there.

Whatever happened
to serving yourself?

- I'm really bad at it.
- [chuckles]

I can't wait to see your face
when you find it.

[Maggie] Colonel, I was actually
gonna suggest one of your plans.

Remember when we lived
in Florida, we had that cat

named Joey?
The supe didn't allow pets.

So whenever he came
into the apartment-

Oh, I would hide him
in the cabinets

behind the cereal boxes.

Oh, my God.
I just forgot I was a genius.

[band music]

Okay.

Mr. Jan, we're ready to play
the audio and visual components

you paired with the painting.

[upbeat music]

- You can see it now, yeah?
- No!

[music continues]

General, we've shown you
everything.

It's pretty clear
there's no tank on the base.

It's in the Fromagerie.
There's no vat, right?

Just a big empty space
to park it.

[laughs] I got you. I got you!

[band music]

[indistinct chatter]

- Would you like a tour, general?
- No!

I know you stole
one of my tanks!

Sir, I've gone through
the database.

All of the tanks
are accounted for.

My grandfather,
at a certain point, just started

walking around the house,
looking for the hat

that he already had
on his head.

We all get put out to pasture
eventually.

But this pasture has tulips.

And these tulips are saying,
"Buh-bye."

- [chuckles]
- Get me the hell out of here.

- [door opens]
- Mm-hmm.

- [door shuts]
- [squealing]

[indistinct chatter]

How did we get around
the database?

Oh, I realized a while back

we were gonna need
to cover our digital tracks.

So I contacted
the best hacker I know.

- [door opens]
- Whoo!

I'm getting really good at
hiding in dark enclosed spaces!

You hacked the database?

I hacked
the entire Baumholder system.

Then I erased this tank
from existence.

[Patrick] Gotta say,
this is pretty good work

in a tight spot. Just don't
go behind my back again.

There'll be hell to pay.

But you have earned
my admiration.

Thank you.
I appreciate your respect.

I-I didn't say respect.
I said admiration.

- You just said respect.
- Well, admiration and respect...

- Are two different things.
- Are they two different things?

Yeah, they're like two different
levels.

It's like admiration
and then respect.

But then this whole thing
is a thesaurus,

and they're in the same page.

- No, no, no.
- They're synonyms.

[knocking on door]

Is, uh, Katja around?

She is busy at the moment,

but I'd be
more than happy to help.

I'm not actually allowed
to step foot into a brothel.

This is a charity office

offering
social and immigration services

to sex workers.

- Colonel Quinn?
- Hey.

Call me Patrick.

I hope I didn't insult her

by assuming
she was a prostitute.

She is. The insult is assuming.
That would be insulting.

Let me just start over, I was
looking for action out there

and I actually got it i-instead
from just talking to you.

So I was wondering
if you, uh, wanted to,

you know,
get a cup of coffee or...

You're a strange one, Patrick.

A man of war,
asking me out on a date

like a nervous schoolboy.

I like you.
I-I basically hate everybody.

- Hold on, I'll get my coat.
- Great.

Keep up the good fight, girls.

Who do you think we're fighting?

I'll wait outside.

[children] It's going so well.

[whooshing]

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