Original subtitles

[ cheers and applause ]

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah! Hi, hi, hi, hi, hi!

I'm trish. This is my partner-in-crime suze.

Hyuh! And I'm suze!

And this is "morning mimosa!"

[ cheers and applause ]

We've got a hell of a show planned for you today.

Mayor garfield will be on later

For a game of suck and blow.

[ audience oohs ]

As well as the world's youngest blackbelt!

[ audience awws ] and get this!

She knows all the state capitals by heart!

What a remarkable little dork, right?

And lastly, your favorite and ours,

Todd fox will be joining us again

With his collection of exotic animals!

[ audience howling ]

Speaking of...

We want to take a minute up front

To issue a public apology.

Uh-oh.

We got a lot of letters

From animal-rights watchdogs last week,

And suze would like to say a deep-down sorry

For eating that rare butterfly.

I thought it was a hummingbird.

Okay. On with the show!

Producer charlie, please pull up the map.

Let's get an early-bird look at today's...

Trish, suze, and audience: D! U! I! Checkpoints!

Hi. Charlie greenfield.

That's you. Not me. Hayley smith is me.

Intern. Starting today. Intern?

For my journalism class at groff.

Listen. We don't really do journalism here.

News is dark and dreary. Boo!

No fun first thing in the morning.

What we do is...This.

You voted, and we listened.

All week, trish will be doing the show...

From a papasan!

Whee! I'm spilling!

♪♪

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ the sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ and he's shinin' a salute to the american race ♪

♪ oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ good -- ♪ ♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

Aah!

♪ good morning, u.S.A. ♪

Trish: Whee! I'm spilling!

Steve: Oh, my god! I want to die.

Why am I throwing up tar?!

It's food poisoning! We all caught it!

Klaus: It's hard to pin down exactly what caused it,

But I'm leaning toward the giant wok

Of squid-ink paella we made last night.

[ vomits ]

Okay. Did a quick inventory of our rations,

And we've got zero sports drinks, ginger ale, or saltines.

What we do have are 62 tupperware containers

Of squid-ink paella.

I threw out everything else to make room.

You gotta remember -- at the time, we loved the paella.

[ steve grunting ]

I don't wanna sound dramatic,

But if we don't get some electrolytes soon,

Things could get pretty dire around here.

[ jeff whistling ]

Jeff! Did you eat the paella last night?!

Nope. Hayley and I went out to dinner

To celebrate her new internship.

We're saved!

I did have some for breakfast.

Did you guys know it's the only food in the kitchen?

Jeff. Run!

You have 10, maybe 12 minutes before you turn!

You need to buy as much gatorade as you can carry!

You're our only hope!

You can count on me, mrs. S!

[ dog barking ]

Whoa! New dog in the neighborhood!

[chuckling] oh, oh! Oh-hoo!

You're a friendly guy, aren't cha?

You're kinda small for a basset hound.

You got a little chihuahua in ya, too?

Jeff! Klaus: You [bleep]

Don't mean to interrupt.

Just wanted to meet my co-workers.

Hayley smith, intern.

I heard you're having mayor garfield on later.

Seems like maybe a good opportunity to ask him

About the sorry state of basketball courts

In our public parks.

Charlie! This one's talking to me!

Did you see that?

It looked me right in the face!

What are you doing?!

You don't talk to the talent. What did you say to them?

I mentioned mayor garfield hasn't been keeping

His campaign promi-- no!

No, no, no, no, no! I said no journalism!

Well, surely a little journalism can't hurt.

[ growls ] this show. It's light. It's bubbly.

It goes down smooth like a mimosa!

And right now you -- you're like a-a wasp

Hovering around that mimosa.

You're annoying, and you don't understand

That this is our picnic!

I just want to try and do some good while I'm here.

Good. Then I have the perfect job for you.

Now, I understand you love clowns.

No. Towns. State capitals.

I hate clowns.

"clowns"? That's my cue!

Hyah! [ audience cheering ]

Cheyenne! Lincoln! Dover! Olympia!

What are you in for?

Attacked by a small child.

Small monkey. I'm todd fox.

I know. I'm a massive fan!

Why, thank you!

Of your octopus, kristoff.

Oh. Well, you can meet him if you like.

Are you serious?! Of course!

He goes everywhere with me.

Kristoff! [ whirring ]

Kristoff, say hello.

[robotic voice] hello.

Lady nice. Lady sad?

Kristoff! No, it's okay.

I am feeling a little down. What's the trouble?

I came here thinking it was a chance

To get my foot in the door.

But now I realize how stupid that was.

Well, that's extremely vague.

But my advice -- if you find yourself tied to something

That makes you unhappy, cut it loose and walk away.

Huh. Well, thank you, mr. Fox.

Please. Call me todd fox.

Intern! There you are!

We need to get you out of that sling

And into your tortilla-chip costume.

We're five minutes away from the piping-hot queso high dive!

Medical team on standby?!

Nope. Can't do it. Todd fox is right.

Gotta cut this loose and walk away.

I can just take the journalism class again next year.

What's this?

"todd fox's first wife was murdered.

Follow the money, hayley."

[ gasps ] I'm hayley!

Oh, my god!

Journalism.

Out of the way!

Bombshell coming through!

She's overselling herself.

She's a six on a good day.

Okay. Look. I know you guys don't do news,

But todd fox might have murdered his first wife!

You have to dig into this before he's on the show!

We don't have to do anything. I'm not touching that.

How do we know you didn't write it?

[ hiccups ] yeah!

How do we know it wasn't you who got murdered?

What? Charlie: Intern!

I thought I told you to stop pestering the stars.

And what is this?

Ah-ha! Just as I suspected.

A scoop.

If it's true, it's huge news.

Wait. Really? Well, in that case

Call the freaking gazette

Because that's not what we do here!

Drop it! Or you're fired

And I'll see to it that you never work

In brunch-time television again!

Okay.

Besides, you really think these two

Are even capable of handling your alleged "bombshell"?

Look at 'em!

All this is making me want a churro bad.

Bring in the churrodillo!

[ cheers and applause ]

♪ I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt ♪

Suze: Yeah, work it, churrodillo! Work it!

The kitchen is off limits forever now,

And I don't want to talk about why.

Klaus: Could I at least sneak in quickly and change out my water?

The kitchen is gone, klaus!

Klaus: Well, I'm sure jeff will be home any minute

And we'll all be saved.

Jeff is dead in a ditch somewhere covered in ink.

I feel it in my bones.

It's time to accept the fact

That none of us are coming back from this.

[ bell jingling ]

Steve: Snack cart! He's got drinks!

We're saved!

Steve! You have to signal him!

Klaus: Don't let him get away!

Wha-- aah! Wha-- uh-- wha--

[ explosion ]

Roger: Did he see you, steve?

♪♪

Hayley: This is such good journalism.

I am doing the shit out of this journalism.

Is that my microfiche reader?!

You're still researching todd fox, aren't yo--

Jesus! Are those my sour twizzlers, too?!

Those were in my car! My locked car!

[ slurps and gulps ]

[ chuckles ]

You got big ovaries, kid. I'll give you that.

You know, I did, too, once.

God, it seems like another lifetime now. [ harp twinkles ]

I'll tell you about it after I nuke this toilet.

[ grunts ] ahh...

Done.

The year was 17 -- for me.

For some others, it was likely a different age.

Trish and I were paired up at random

By our broadcast journalism teacher.

We were a great team from the start.

Our first exposé blew the lid off local corruption!

Earning us a b-plus in the class.

It was one of those teachers who doesn't give a's,

Based on some misguided principle.

No, I don't give a's.

Because of my misguided principles.

After our first big scoop, we were hooked.

Just two more kids in america

Falling recklessly in love with the news!

Early reports indicate thousands injured or missing.

We're not finished doing the news!

[ soldiers scream ]

Eventually we landed our own tv news hour.

Trish: But we were young and didn't know

The dark side of the industry yet.

Hi, suze. I also had to use the bathroom,

So I can help with this story, too!

Test groups find the two of you intimidating.

I was thinking maybe we cash in those dusty old pantsuits

For something that shows a little more leg.

And, trish, lose the glasses.

No one likes chicks who can see good.

I just think we could get more eyeballs

If we added a simple game.

I promise it won't compromise your credibility.

I'm not asking you to play twister with gore vidal.

Just something to loosen everyone up.

Think casual.

And maybe a drink in your hand to grease the wheels?

[ fingers snap ]

♪♪

[ cheers and applause ]

[ trish giggling ]

And now we're here.

Wow. I had no idea.

That is so, so... Perfect!

It is? Maybe I told it wrong.

Don't you see?

You two aren't just aging, cookie-cutter,

Empty-calorie, talentless, mid-tier beauties!

Ouch! Jesus!

You've got chops!

You were real-deal journalists once!

And you can be that again -- right now.

[ inhales sharply ] I don't know.

Just listen to this juice I dug up on todd fox.

His wife was a wealthy heiress,

And they married after only two months.

Then she died under mysterious circumstances

When her zip-lining harness "gave out" on their honeymoon.

Boom -- todd fox inherited her whole fortune

And has been slowly draining it

To buy more exotic animals and build his brand.

The note was right.

It really looks like he murdered her. You know what else?

He hooked up with me after the christmas party

Last year even though he saw me throw up twice.

And I actually threw up five times.

You two have a real chance to blindside him today.

He won't see it coming --

Not on "morning mimosa!" and not from you.

Please! Journalism was your dream, and now it's mine.

Do it for all the kids like me watching at home.

Wait. How old are you?

'cause you look like you're 35.

No. We can't. Todd fox is beloved.

It's career suicide. I'm sorry, intern.

I never actually learned your name.

Charlie is right about us. We can't do news anymore.

We changed, and you will, too, when you grow up. More.

Okay. We should really get back.

I think it's been about eight minutes of dead air out there.

Lionfish! Bike tire! [ audience oohing ]

Rabbit! Fanny pack!

Seal!

[laughing] shut up!

That's the one I meant!

[ cheers and applause ]

Charlie: Cash in those dusty pantsuits

For something that shows a little more leg.

[ heart thumping ]

And maybe a drink in your hand to grease the wheels?

[ heart thumping ]

Todd fox! I'm dyin' to know.

Do any of your animals mate for life?

Oh, sure. My shingleback lizards are a prime --

And where do you stand on that philosophy? I'm sorry?

'til death do you part.

What's your take on that?

Well, I'd say those shingleback lizards

Never met my last wife!

[ laughter ]

And what about your first wife?

Oh. My. God.

[ chuckles nervously ] what are you doing?

I made it clear to your producer I don't talk about her.

Oh, come on!

The first woman to land todd fox?

I bet our audience would love to know her secret!

[ audience howling ]

[ sighs ] she was the love of my life.

Speaking of love, I brought two lovely

Little squirrel monkeys today,

And one of them can actually read and write!

The other one, well, he just isn't getting it.

So it wasn't her money?

Hey. Come on. Are we here to talk about dead relationships

Or see a squirrel monkey get tangled up in trish's hair?

Fascinating choice of words.

"dead relationships."

Please don't do this.

Bring up the newspaper, please!

Is that her, todd? She's gorgeous.

Oh, god. I've never even seen these.

Is that the moment?

You tell us. It was your honeymoon.

An heiress. Wow!

What happened to her money after that?

I...Took over the estate.

And how much do bald eagles cost?

All your animals must have been a small fortune.

I don't think I like what you're implying.

Then I'll stop implying and ask.

Todd fox, did you murder your wife?

I didn't kill my wife!

Do you notice anything missing from those pictures?

It's me! I didn't even make it to costa rica because...

I got such severe food poisoning on the layover

I had to be hospitalized.

I slipped in and out of a diarrhea coma for weeks!

I have the hospital records!

I'd never kill her! I loved her!

[ sobbing ]

[ sobbing ]

This has hayley written all over it.

Oh, no. [ audience booing ]

[ glass shattering ]

Commercial! Throw to commercial!

[ audience booing ] welp, that's our careers.

Good run, ladies. Hope it was worth it.

Sir! Please! It was all my fault!

Oh, it's your fault?! Oh, fantastic!

I'll just go tell the network that it wasn't trish and suze

Who accused a national treasure of murder on live tv.

It was you with your hand up their asses!

It's not that bad, charlie.

We can fix it after the break.

You think I'm letting you go back out there?!

You're done!

I'm running "macgyver" the rest of the day.

Come one! Did you guys give up

When suze electrocuted ryan reynolds with a car battery?

Did you call it quits when suze tricked

Michelle obama into eating peanuts

To see if her allergy was fake?

It is always you, isn't it?

All we need is the fluffiest, sweetest,

Bubbliest apology segment you've ever done.

I've learned my lesson. Screw journalism!

Put me in the bikini! Give me a mimosa!

Ahh. Oh, god. That's actually really nice.

If we can get todd fox back out there, she might be right.

But I'm warning you! Stick to the cards!

Anything different, and you'll be hosting

Another trish and suze booze cruise

From port lewes to santa cruz!

[ applause ]

Welcome back!

If you were around for our last segment,

You might assume we're cooking up some crow!

Nope, trish.

Today we're going to teach everyone at home

How to make apology sugar cookies

For our dear friend todd fox.

But things could get interesting

Because we'll be trying to do it in sumo suuuuits!

[ audience member coughs ] can we at least take those down?

Of course. So sorry, todd fox.

Okay! Now, nothing says "I'm sorry"

Better than butter.

Hang on. Put it back up.

[ audience gasps ]

I know that fanny pack.

Holy [bleep]. It's kristoff!

Back to commercial!

So the octopus was the fanny pack, right?

And in the photo where she falls,

The fanny pack is gone -- look!

[ dramatic music plays ]

So what are we saying? That kristoff killed her?

The only way to prove it is to force a confession.

We've gotta grill the octopus.

Are you sure you want to do this?

You could just back out now,

Go back to how things were.

I honestly don't think I can.

Me neither.

If we're gonna blow up our career,

It should be for something we're proud of.

Charlie! How long until we're back?!

We're not going back on!

I'm not letting you hurt america's sweetheart anymore.

Where's the one where "macgyver" blows up a plane?

That's a good one.

Hayley: We're back in ten!

I knocked out the board operator!

He was helping us!

Oh. Well, he's...

Okay. He's bleeding pretty bad.

[ applause ]

Kristoff, how long have you known todd fox?

Kristoff: Kristoff's whole life.

But heart feels it has known him longer.

[ audience awws ] shh!

You'd do anything for him, wouldn't you?

Even kill.

What the hell?!

Hayley, pull it up!

[ whirring ]

That looks a lot like you, kristoff.

It really does.

But that's impossible.

You would have been by todd fox's bedside.

Unless you had a more important reason to follow lisa?

Like...Motive.

Kristoff: I... Come on, suze.

What are you suggesting?

That a dumb little octopus can plan that far ahead?

Kristoff: Dumb?!

Is smuggling myself into a foreign country

To commit the perfect murder in the name of love dumb?!

[ all gasp ] kristoff?

Kristoff: Oh, come on, todd.

You must have felt the energy between us.

We are electric together.

Lisa felt it. She wanted to separate us.

It was her or me.

I can't believe this.

You killed my wife, deceived me all these years?

Kristoff: The masks are off, my darling.

We can finally be together.

[ imitates buzzer ] you're going to jail.

The zoo?

Are all the animals in the zoo criminals?

Look out!

[ trish screams ]

♪♪

[ all gasp ]

[ gun cocks ]

I don't know which one is which!

Why do you have a gun?!

I always have a gun!

Shoot us both!

What?! W-why shoot either of them?!

That's my partner.

[ gunshot ] aah!

Sorry, trish. That was a whoopsie bullet.

Well, that's our time.

Join us tomorrow when we'll play

Flip-cup charades with dame helen mirren.

See you tomorrow, america!

[ gunshot ] ooh!

Seems like we're all over the hump with this bug.

[ groans ] I'm even a little hungry.

Me too. Too bad the only thing

We have to eat is that bad paella.

Eh, what the hell.

I'll take another swing with the paella.

It would be a shame to waste it. Me too!

And besides, maybe I'm misremembering it

Because it's been a minute,

But I don't even think we got that sick.

It's the paella! Guh!

Somebody dump out those gatorades

So we can use the bottles for on-the-go paella.

[ clink ]

To a great damn show.

You know what I still can't figure out?

Who wrote that note?

[ scribbling ]

It was the monkey. The monkey that can write did it.

That makes sense. Wow.

You really figured everything out, hayley smith.

Yeah, hayley. You've got a job here any time.

In fact, I have a feeling a lot of things

Are gonna be changing around here.

Morning, ladies. How we feeling?

It's talking to me!

Gross! It looked you right in the face!

But yesterday you -- we what?

Got blackout drunk, had a great show,

And forgot everything that happened?

That's "morning mimosa!", kid!

No way she's a kid. She looks 35!

Get out of here, old kid!

Have a great night!