Original subtitles

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh, oh, come on, baby.

Oh, you know you and Veronica want it.

You want Fred's big dick in you.

Oh, how about a little menage a trois, baby?

Damn, not again.

My fricking Wi-Fi's out.

Isn't that what you use that pathetic nerd for next door?

The 28-year-old who still lives with his parents?

I'm not-- I'm not exactly using him.

Do you pay him for his help?

Not exactly.

Then it's using him.

I know he watches from his window.

He's-- he's probably watching right now.

Oh, give me a show.

Yeah. -Come on.

Let's-- let's give him a show.

You want to?

-A show? -Yeah.

Come lotion me up.

OK.

Put on a show for me.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, I knew you wanted it.

I knew you wanted it.

Yeah, rub those tits.

Oh, yeah, baby.

[DOORBELL]

It's here!

Hey.

I'm sorry.

It-- it happens to all of us guys in the morning.

Mister, I see a lot of crazy shit every day,

but this takes the cake.

Sign here, please. -OK.

Holy shit.

I'm sorry.

That thing is huge.

Forget about the signature.

I'll leave the penis-- I mean, package-- here.

Sorry.

Yes.

Oh, I love you too, baby.

Yeah?

Me horny too.

Oh, Fred'll love you long time.

Yes!

Did you remember to bring Fred's gift?

Well, of course, dear.

How could I forget?

Are you sure we shouldn't call first?

I hate going places unannounced.

Oh, no.

We're his grandparents.

He'll be thrilled to see us.

Well, all right.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, Veronica.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

I bet he enjoyed that show.

Let's go see your secret love-- I mean, tech support.

He lives in the basement, so let's just go through there.

OK.

Honey, shouldn't we knock first?

Nah, let's just go on in and surprise him.

It's his birthday after all.

OK.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, Veronica.

Yeah.

Yeah, you like that?

Oh, my.

Grandma and Grandpa?

What-- what are you doing here?

Attaboy!

Show that girl how it's done.

It's-- it's not what it looks like.

We're here to surprise you for your birthday.

Ho-- Holy crap.

What's going on here?

Veronica?

What are you doing here?

What-- what's she doing here?

Oh, my.

You've got a boner.

Well, I can't help it.

It's my Viagra kicking in.

Reminds me of my time in Vietnam.

Fred, uh, we-- we-- we-- I just stopped

by because I needed help with Wi-Fi, but I-- I see you're

busy.

We'll come back.

Happy birthday, Freddie!

Mom?

Dad?

Does no one knock around here?

Oh my god.

What is going on here?

It's not what it looks like.

Wow.

For a nerd, you're packing.

This is so going on Facebook, loser.

Could this day get any worse? [SOBBING]

Here we are, ladies.

It's time to have a little party.

You know what I'm talking about.

Come here, you.

Oh, wow.

Look at you fucking things.

Goddamn, girls.

Yeah, you like what's right there?

Mm hmm.

Yeah, I know you want to play with that shit.

Come here.

Oh, let's go play.

Come on now.

Hey, show me what you can do.

There we go.

Oh, yeah. You want to see this?

Yeah, I want to see that.

I want to see you start playing with each other,

because I got a nice chub working

right here with your fucking mouths all over it,

I swear to God.

I'm gonna bend you over.

I'm gonna teach you a little lesson, something.

You know, Daddy might have spanked you,

but I'm gonna show you what Daddy really should've done.

Well, maybe not.

It's illegal.

But trust me, I'm gonna slam it home and show you how

useless you really fucking are.

Here we go.

Come over to Daddy.

I'm gonna show you what's up.

Let's do this.

There we go.

That's fucking right, girl.

Come here.

Give me some fucking sugar, girl.

That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Mmm, my turn.

Oh, fucking shit.

Now, we're talking.

God.

Oh, that's what I'm talking about.

Oh my god.

Oh, sit on my fucking face.

Oh, that's it.

Look at that piece of ass right over there.

NICO: Grade A piece of meat, my friend.

Yeah, so much so that 20 large says she's

coming home with me tonight.

-20 grand? -Yup.

Deal.

You're a dirty cocksucking whore.

Excuse me.

You just call me a whore and walk away?

My mistake, wrong person.

I'm sorry about that.

Have a nice day.

Bartender, vodka rocks, please.

Is everything OK?

It looks like you just had a breakup.

I'll be fine.

I just-- I'm a jet fighter pilot in the military,

and I just found out that my girl-- my ex-girlfriend

has been cheating on me the entire time I've been on tour.

Oh, that's horrible.

Yeah, and I lost a lot of good guys over there, and I just--

Oh, no, you poor thing.

Is there, um, anything I can do?

I mean, I just-- I don't think I should be alone.

And I just saw her over there, and I-- I really can't be here.

Um, do you wanna just come back to my place and have a drink?

Absolutely.

OK, let's get out of here.

Well, somehow we're going to have come up with this money.

Yeah, well, my teacher's salary's not going to do that.

You have to get a job.

It's been two years.

Come on.

Well, I'm trying.

You know I'm trying.

I guess.

Not trying hard enough.

We have to sign this.

We have to sign this now.

I'm not signing that.

I am not signing that.

Morning.

Mom, Dad, have you seen my package anywhere?

I've been looking everywhere, and I can't find it.

Good morning, Fred.

You mean your blowup doll, son?

Yeah, your grandpa came through here earlier.

He carried something on his way out.

You might want to go check with him.

Oh, baby, I love you.

This is just like Vietnam all over again.

There's something we need to talk to you about.

What's wrong?

It's not about last night, is it?

No, son, this is really serious.

We need a minute to tell you what happened.

Just tell him.

There's no easy way to say it.

Just say it.

Well, the brokerage is tanked, uh, the house payment is due,

and we're gonna lose this house.

Oh my god.

That's-- that's horrible.

Is there anything I can do?

Oh, honey, calm down.

It's gonna be OK.

Look, we're gonna lose the house in 30 days

if we don't come up with $250,000.

It's going to be fine.

We'll make it through.

Trust us.

Thanks for coming over, guys.

I've had a pretty horrible day.

Sorry to hear about your parents'

financial problems, my friend.

Yeah, mon, that shit sucks.

I bet if we got creative we could

help you solve them problems.

And I've got just right thing to spark some creativity.

I've got Sour Diesel, White Russian,

Fruity Pebbles, and Red Dragon.

Red Dragon?

You have the Red Dragon?

Just give me the strongest stuff you have, man.

I have to make $5,000 into a quarter million in 30 days.

Red Dragon it is.

I got it, guys, I got it.

We rob a bank on fucking camels, fucking camels.

Where the fuck we going to get a camel from?

I forgot we are not here in India anymore.

We could have a bake sale.

Do you know how many fucking cookies we'd

have to sell to make a quarter million?

I got it.

I got it.

We make a porno, y'all.

The girls in America put the mouths on the penis.

Oh, I've never felt such a good thing before.

But how are we gonna make a porno if none of us

can get laid?

That's right, I've never had vagina in my whole life.

It is why I came to America.

I've got it, mon.

We take your $5,000 to the nearest casino

and bet it all on black.

Yeah, man.

I-- I might be pretty stoned, but that actually

sounds like a really good idea.

Awesome idea, Black Magic.

Yes.

Let's do this.

Let's do it right now.

Always bet on black.

Let's do it, my friends.

Yo, Alex, I'm on my way to the chopper now.

We'll pick up that white bitch.

Deal.

Let's go drop this shit off, man.

I don't wanna fucking deal with this bullshit

with the Feds coming around.

We gotta get a move on this shit.

We still gotta take care of those moolies tonight.

Fucking moolies pissing me off.

Hey.

What's up, Alex?

I just wanted to say, uh, thanks a lot.

You know, Nico and I are real appreciative

of the little donation you made of, uh,

two million llelos to our charity fund, you fucking punk.

Two million, bitch.

Where the fuck is my money?

You're fucking late, motherfucker.

Oh, don't get all hurt.

Come on, don't be so hurt about it.

You knew we weren't going to pay you from the get go, you stupid

fuck.

Oh, you're fucking dead, you motherfucking bitch.

He fucking hung up.

The nerve of this guy.

I know.

What a fucking piss-poor attitude.

Well, it looks like we've got some guests in little bit.

We'll take care of them just like we do everybody else.

I need a $5,000 chip.

You sure, sir?

Here's your $5,000 chip.

Good luck.

$5,000 on black.

Player bets $5,000 on black.

Player wins!

Player wins again!

Player wins!

Player wins again!

Player wins $250,000!

Cheers to being wealthy!

We did it, yeah!

My friends, I cannot believe you won a quarter of a million

dollars playing roulette.

This is the best day of my life, dude.

You were right.

And now, we get to save my parents' house, dude.

Oh my god, y'all.

This is such exciting news.

Do you still want to rob a bank on a fucking camel?

No, my friend, but I want to fuck a girl on a camel hump.

One American dollar is 50 rupees.

We are rich!

Make it rain!

ALL: Woo!

Woo.

I'll get you a glass.

All right.

My beautiful, I've drank so much alcohol tonight.

But you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

I have four inches of hard rock, hard rock

in my kocharota kamasutra.

Oh, great.

I love you.

Cheers.

Here's to saving my house.

A quarter of a million dollars, yeah.

So what's your favorite color?

I like, uh, black and green.

You look like you're about empty.

Well, I've got a lot of black and some green.

Oh.

I love America.

I love vagina.

I love America.

Ah.

Oh.

Have you ever fucked on a camel before?

My butt hurts so bad.

What the fuck happened?

Black Magic, Fred, wake up.

What the fuck you doing in here?

Suresh, what the fuck, mon?

SURESH: I think I got fucked in the ass

by a chick with her dick.

We won my parents' house.

Where's that money?

What did we spend?

Dude, dude, the money's gone.

It's fucking gone.

Fred, I'm sorry.

But before I passed out last night,

I saw those bitches leave with the bag.

They drugged me, my friend.

They drugged me.

It's-- I'm sorry for inviting that bitch.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Let's go and get fucking security.

Maybe we can catch them.

OK, do you have everything?

Shh, shh.

Let's go, let's go.

20 large says you can't clear that bunker

and hit the fairway.

You're on, man.

Watch this shit.

No fucking way, man.

Get outta here.

Time to pay the piper, brother.

Let me see that 20.

So really, man, I can't believe you won.

This is the biggest piece of crap I've had all week.

If you haven't noticed, I've still got some pretty mad game.

Ah, you and your freaking game.

Watch that elbow, smart ass.

Here's the 20 from the other bet and the 20

you won the other night.

I hope you're happy.

That is really not cool.

Thanks.

It's been a pleasure doing business.

All right, smart ass.

I got another deal for you.

How do you feel about upping the ante this time?

What'd you have in mind, Alex?

A cool mil.

A million dollar bet, you and me.

$1 million?

A million dollar says that I can

sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

No way.

You think I'm a moron?

Come on, bud.

That's what we do.

We're pickup artists.

I know.

I tell you what.

I've got an idea.

All right.

-I'll bet you $1 million-- -Mm hmm?

--that you can't take some douchebag

that I pick out and teach him how

to pick up 30 girls in 30 days.

So you want to pick out some chud from his mom's basement

and have me teach him how to sleep with 30 girls in 30 days?

That's exactly what I'm talking about.

All right.

I kinda-- I like the concept of it all.

There's only one problem.

It's that if you pick some chud who, you know,

literally beats off to a Sears catalog,

then I'm up shit's creek. The guy, he's got no hope.

Here's what we're gonna do.

All right.

I'm gonna pick out three guys.

OK.

You can veto two.

OK, I like where this is going.

$1 million.

So I get two vetoes, any two I want,

and then the third one sticks.

That's the deal for a mil.

Deal?

You just gave me a million bucks, my friend.

Thanks. -We'll see about that.

Easiest money I ever made.

NICO: Alex, my friend.

ALEX: Yeah?

You've already vetoed two of my the pics.

Mm hmm.

-You know what that means. -Yeah, yeah.

Yuk it up, chucklehead.

All I can see here is all the tool

jobs I got rid of, so there ain't no way

I'm gonna lose this thing.

My friends, I cannot believe we lost $5,000.

Man, let's watch some titties.

Oh my god, I've never seen boobs before.

Holy shit.

SURESH: Never have I beheld such magnificent things.

You gotta be shitting me.

Bill?

Nah, there's no-- come on, there's no way.

Could you kindly invite that gentleman over to our table?

You son of a bitch.

Sir?

Hmm?

Um, my boss would like to invite you

over to have a drink with him.

OK.

Sit right down here.

My name's Nico.

Hey, my name's Fred.

Very nice to meet you.

-Yeah, Freddie, I'm Alex. -Hey.

How's it going, guys?

How's it going, bud?

Freddie, you want a drink?

FRED: Yeah.

So Fred, uh, you like girls?

Of-- of course I do.

What kind of question is that?

Well, it's a good kind of question,

because how would you like to make a quarter million dollars,

uh, sleeping with 30 girls in 30 days?

It's no joke, Fred.

Me?

Fred, there's no laughing going on here.

This is serious, all right? We make bets.

We make bets like this all the time.

We bet on golf.

We bet on anything, all right?

You like that champagne?

FRED: It's delicious.

That's $5,000 a glass.

FRED: Are you kidding me?

Well, I'm not kidding you now that you've

spit it all over the floor.

Yeah, look at this-- all right, so here's the deal.

Um, we've got a combined net worth of $100 million,

all right?

What do you guys do?

Go ahead and tell him.

We're in the waste management business.

FRED: So you guys own junkyards?

Yeah, something like that.

Yeah, you could call it that.

Sure.

So, uh, to show you that we're serious, why don't you

come for a ride with us, and we'll give you 10 Gs just

for coming in the car with us?

10,000?

Yeah, we'll talk a little.

Would that help you?

It's a lot more than I lost, yeah.

That's good.

We'll give you 10 Gs, you come for a ride,

and we'll discuss this a little bit more.

Oh, yeah, girl.

You're making me crazy.

There are some loaded guys in here tonight.

Let's make our rounds, girl.

Let's do it.

BOTH: Cheers!

FRED: Whose place is this?

NICO: Fred, this is our place.

Who do the fuck do you think belongs here?

We do.

This is our joint, man. Enjoy the party.

NICO: There's somebody in there I want you to meet.

Yeah, she'll take care of you.

Don't worry about it, kid.

This place is huge.

Hey, don't worry about it.

We got plenty of broads, plenty of beer, plenty of pussy.

Don't worry about it.

Let's go.

Get the fuck outta here.

What the fuck?

Go fuck yourself.

Hey, Freddie boy, you like that 10 grand I gave you?

Yeah.

Here's a million dollars for your liking.

What do you think of that stuff? You like that?

I have never seen that much money.

Don't grow too attached to that.

You've still got to sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

So Freddie boy, when you do sleep with 30 girls in 30 days,

a quarter of this is all yours.

So why don't you think about it while he

and I go party with these fine ladies right here?

And then, uh, you can give us your answer in the morning.

How about that?

I need that money.

I don't care what you need.

I just know that you're gonna think about it while we fuck

on it, and we'll call it a day.

-OK. -Attakid.

-Hey, Fred. -Yeah?

-This is Britney. -Hi, I'm Britney.

-Hey, Britney. -I'm Fred.

Nice to meet you.

Fred and I do some business together.

-OK. -He's an associate of ours.

I'd like you to take care of him.

OK.

Make sure he has a really good time tonight.

I can do that.

So, ladies, you've seen where the house is.

It all looks good and all.

But now, I want to show you where the magic really happens.

Let's go up the stairs, and I'll show

you where it all goes down.

WOMAN: Awesome.

You know, I build replicas of the space shuttles.

I have all of them done.

Uh, I'm gonna go, loser.

See ya.

You don't like space?

It's the next frontier.

Fuck yeah.

Oh, fuck.

Oh, you like that shit, you dirty girl?

Uh, am I interrupting something?

Yeah, what's up, Freddie?

Sit the fuck down. -Um--

What's up, buddy?

How you doing?

I have a killer hangover.

You got a hangover, huh?

What'd you think about the bet that I talked

to you about the other night?

-Fuck. -I'll take it.

-You will? -I need the money.

I need the quarter million to save my parents' business.

All right, hang on a second.

Hey, baby, get the fuck outta here, all right?

I gotta talk business.

Are you gonna call me?

I'm gonna call you like your daddy

called you when he went to get a pack of smokes

and never came back.

So anyway, here's the deal, Freddie boy.

You like the offer?

Yeah.

How'd that work out with that broad last night

that I set you up with?

I don't think it went well.

I don't remember much, but I woke

up in the pool this morning.

So you don't know if you sealed the deal,

but you're down for this bet?

-Yeah, yeah. -Well, I like that.

That's what I like to hear. So why don't why we shake on it?

-OK. -All right.

-You need the money. -I do.

I'd like to help you get that money.

Now, uh, the first thing is we got a big problem.

What's that?

You look like a giant fucking chode with that goddamn t-shirt

and the way you dress.

So the first thing--

Tie-dye?

Yeah, yeah, your tie-dye is pathetic.

It's like 1970s fucked, you know, the Muppets.

So what we're gonna do is-- -I like the Muppets.

I don't give a shit.

So what we're gonna do is I'm gonna take you out.

We're gonna get some new clothes,

teach you not to dress like a tool job,

and maybe we'll get you laid.

But hang on, let me call Nico right now

and tell him you're game.

One second.

Hey, bud.

Guess what?

Freddie boy over here is, uh, is game for our little wager

we got going.

Yup, we start immediately as of now.

Just gotta get this kid some freaking clothes.

Holy shit.

Hey, Perry, excellent work on that last assignment.

Good, I'm glad that you liked it.

Well, you have my money?

$20,000 as promised.

As usual.

It's all there.

Thank you so much.

So what's new?

Actually, there is another little project

you can help me out with.

Yeah?

I've got a million dollars on the line

that this douchebag Fred can't sleep with 30 girls in 30 days.

Wow.

OK.

Here's what I need from you.

I need you to hound this man.

I want you to be my eyes and ears.

You tell me every single time he's

with a broad, every place he goes,

every minute of every day.

I will be on him like flies on shit.

I'm gonna follow him everywhere he goes.

Cameras everywhere, especially the bedroom.

I'll tap all of his lines.

I'm the man for the job.

I'll put my full attention to it.

You know I'm the best in the business.

So you can take care of this for me?

You bet.

Get started right now.

I'll put my full attention to it.

And don't fuck this up.

So what restaurant do you want to go to?

I don't know. We could go to Quentin's.

Yeah, that'd be good.

You girls look so beautiful.

You have beautiful eyes.

What?

You girls want to come back to my place?

-Are you serious? -No.

-Yeah. -No way.

Um, no thanks.

Lauren, come on.

Just get away.

You just killed our future children.

How badly you want this money, Fred? 'Cause that

was the most disappointing thing I've ever seen in my life.

Seriously.

Like honestly, I should just kill you now

and go find some other jamoke to fucking make this thing happen,

all right?

You're killing me slowly.

Hey, uh, did you fall from heaven?

No.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Really?

I don't--

"Uh, did you fall from heaven?"

What, are you fucking stuttering all of a sudden?

I was nervous, man.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

I was nervous.

Can you pull this shit together?

I'm on 9th and Broadway.

Hey.

Hang on.

Um, this guy from Tibet, he-- he

gave me this really great wisdom,

and I wanted to tell you.

Uh, he told me that the thing between your legs

is what I should have for dinner.

Fred, you're so bad that I should actually

call these guys for a freaking job,

'cause you ain't making me no money.

And seriously, you ain't making yourself no money.

So either you're gonna pull it together,

or I'm gonna kick you out of here.

I'm gonna pay out, and I'm gonna kick your ass.

So I think it's about time you pulled your shit together.

Hey, are your guys' legs tired? 'Cause you 've been running

through my mind all day.

Uh, no, thank you.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Dude, I don't know.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You want that quarter mil or what?

Oh, man, those are some really nice skates.

You wanna fuck?

Hey, Freddie boy, just so you know,

you keep pulling this shit, you keep acting this way,

you're gonna end up fucking playing

with toys in the goddamn street, you piece of shit.

Hey, baby, I was gonna go home and masturbate,

and I was hoping if I could get a name to go with that face.

Dude, you're a disappointment to both me and your family.

Clearly, you don't want that house that badly.

Hey, I've got a question.

Do you girls use Windex to, uh, wash your clothes?

Because I can sure see myself in those.

That's gross.

Um.

Hey, uh, do you guys know where to get any drugs around here?

Because you both look dope.

Get the fuck away from me.

ALEX: Are you fucking kidding me?

"You look dope"?

Well, I thought it was good.

What are you, fucking stupid?

I thought it was good.

Yeah, you are the cheesiest piece of shit I

ever fucking met in my life. -You know what?

I went on the internet and googled this shit.

Yeah, you googled this shit?

Well, my dick says that shit doesn't work.

It doesn't get anybody laid, all right?

And this thing fucking works.

Before you learn how to use yours,

you gotta learn how to use your mouth.

So pull this shit together. -All right.

You know-- you know what, dude?

Let's go get some beers--

It's not dude.

It's hey, guy, or you can call me boss.

But you have to pull your--

Mr. Sir, can we-- let's go get drunk, and let's

talk about what I should actually

be saying instead of these lines that obviously aren't working.

If getting you drunk pulls your head out of your ass,

we can do that.

Can't hurt.

Let's go, kid.

SURESH: Oh my god, a porn shop.

I've never seen one before.

Dude, dude, I'm telling you.

This is the place, the glory hole.

I have never beheld such wonders in my life.

They do not have these places in India.

Where are the pocket pussies at, my friend?

Dude, they're right over there.

Give me, like, 15 minutes.

Fuck yeah.

I love America.

Hey, is there anyone in there?

(FEMALE VOICE) I'm here, baby.

I've never done this before.

What exactly do I do?

GLORY HOLE PATRON: (FEMALE VOICE) You just put your dick

in the hole and enjoy.

OK.

GLORY HOLE PATRON: (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

GLORY HOLE PATRON: (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, yeah.

I want you to stick it in my ass.

Yeah?

GLORY HOLE PATRON: (FEMALE VOICE) Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's so tight.

Oh, I'm coming!

GLORY HOLE PATRON: (MALE VOICE) Oh, I'm coming too!

Right down in the butt!

Oh my god!

Is that a dude in there?

Didn't you get my Craigslist ad, brother?

FRED: The ad said "cute Asian girl, glory hole number one."

That's two doors down.

This is transgenders, number 103.

Thanks for the pounding, brother.

FRED: I just fucked a dude?

GLORY HOLE PATRON: Yeah! [LAUGHS]

Oh, I love America.

Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, we gotta go.

We gotta get out of here.

That glory hole ain't nothing like on Craigslist.

My friends, you should have seen their pocket pussies.

Dude, I think I just banged a dude in the ass.

We've gotta get out of here, dude.

Go.

Oh, hey, beautiful.

And what's his name?

Oh my god.

Oh my god, you're so beautiful.

You should-- you should be a model.

You should model for me sometime.

Um, no.

Aw, come on.

You could be the centerfold on lonelynerds.com.

Man, you're so beautiful.

Aww, thank you.

-What's your name? -Alyssa.

What's yours? -Hey.

I'm Fred. -Nice to meet you

I was just thinking.

A girl like you, a guy like me-- maybe anal?

Uh, absolutely not.

Hey, Freddie boy, you're definitely

your mother's child, because clearly you

can't get anything done right.

Now, seriously, dude, pull it together if you really want

to make that money, all right?

Hey, beautiful. What's your name?

Uh, hi. Rihanna.

Yeah?

You need a rude boy in your life?

No.

No, I don't.

Hey, baby.

If I could put the alphabet together,

I'd put U and I together.

Aww, come on.

Hey, girl.

Are your parents retarded?

'Cause man, you're special.

Um, no.

Khan!

Hey.

Do you girls believe in love at first sight,

or do you wanna walk by again?

That's awkward.

My love for you is like diarrhea.

I just can't hold it in.

Damn, girl, you shit with that ass?

Fuck you, man.

Hey, I seem to have lost my number.

Can I have yours?

Oh my god.

Just go.

This isn't going at well at all.

Hey, do you know today's word is legs?

-Well, no. -Yeah.

You wanna go back to my place and spread the word?

How about not?

Oh, it never works.

Hey, this is gonna sound crazy, but I

really think I'm a squirrel.

Because man, I wanna nut in that hole.

Eww!

You creep!

Man, I hate this.

Hey, do you guys go to the college here?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Are any you archaeologist majors?

Because I've got a really big bone for you to examine.

Uh, no.

How 'bout you?

Absolutely not.

God damn you, J-school!

Fred, I swear to fucking God, you are the biggest

fucking pussy I've ever met.

That was the most pathetic fucking excuse

for fucking trying to pick up broads

I've ever seen in my life.

Dude, I-- I don't know.

I'm just-- I'm not cut out for this.

It's--

That's fucking bullshit, all right?

The first thing is every guy, anyone with a fucking dick,

is cut out for this shit.

The problem is yours is shoved way

up your fucking ass so you don't know how to think with it.

And there's a way that we're gonna teach you how to do this,

and it's a very simple three rules.

It's called being a douchebag, using and thinking

with your dick, and then being a bigger

douche afterwards, all right?

So it's the three fucking Ds if that

helps you remember this shit.

First thing you're gonna do is be a douche.

You're gonna go to up an unsuspecting broad who's just

sitting around somewhere and say the most outlandish shit you

can possibly fucking think of.

It's gonna piss her off real good.

Then you're going to walk right past her,

not even acknowledging that you said anything to her,

and she's gonna be fucking furious.

That's where you become a dick.

She's gonna fucking grab you, and you

turn around and blatantly lie to her and be like, OK, you know,

my bad. I didn't know who you were.

Sorry.

Meanwhile, this is just a setup for the actual girl

you're going for, which is over by the bar.

She sees this fucking exchange and thinks you just got broken

up with or some bullshit.

So that's where you go to be the biggest

douche you can possibly be.

You make up some fucking sob story,

like you're in the military and you lost a bunch of guys.

Some bullshit, you know?

She feels fucking terrible for you.

Say your girl was cheating on you or something.

Then she really just wants to console you.

So what do you do?

You take her home, you let her console you,

and then you flip it on her.

Fucking plug every hole and call it a goddamn day.

That's what you do.

So to get you into this, we're going

to go take you over to Club Vogue, where

Nico and I do all our work.

And we're gonna get some strippers to fucking--

for you to practice on.

And trust me, man, these girls know what they're doing.

We're gonna go over there and give you some,

uh, real practice.

It'll be the first time I've touched a girl that

hasn't been on the internet.

ALEX: That's fucking depressing.

When you're a good guy, yeah, sure, the girls'

will take you home to Mom.

Do you really fucking want that?

No, you wanna bang a broad for the night.

So what are you gonna do?

You gotta treat them like shit, and next thing you know you're

banging the shit out of them.

That's how it goes, brother.

Yeah, you like it dirty, girl?

You're a dirty girl?

ALEX: Oh, Jesus fucking Christ, Fred.

You don't have to do that shit.

This shit's taken care of.

All you gotta do is fucking handle them.

You're a fucking virgin too.

That's the biggest problem we got going on.

Whoa, whoa.

Wait, you're a virgin? -Yeah.

Oh, fuck yeah.

I'm ready to take that V-card. -Yeah, really?

Here it comes.

That was the best time of my life, dude.

Well, you finally got yourself some nice, loose, hot dog

down her hallway pussy.

But trust me, brother.

It gets better when you get some tight shit around that cock.

Everything, the whole world opens up to you.

Treat them like shit, the pussy shall follow.

Let's do this.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, girl. -Hey.

Uh, my name's Fred.

I have an 11-inch penis around.

I don't know. I've had bigger.

That's-- that's all right.

Oh, man.

You know, you're one of the most beautiful girls I've seen,

and I would be crazy if I didn't come

up and introduce myself to you.

My name's Fred. -Thank you.

I'm Danielle. -Nice to meet you.

Very nice to meet you.

What are you doing later tonight?

Hanging out with you.

Really?

Yeah.

I know a great place right down the way.

Let's go. -Let's go.

Hey, girl.

Why don't you sit on my face and let

me eat my way to your heart?

Fuck you.

Hey, beautiful.

How about I, uh, buy you a drink?

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

Oh, you don't speak English?

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

That's all right, I know the international language of love.

Vodka?

Sex?

Fuck me.

Hey, uh, my name's Fred.

I have an 11-inch penis around.

You're an asshole.

That never works.

Hey, beautiful.

Is this your boyfriend?

Yeah.

I don't care if you don't.

Get the fuck outta here.

Go.

All right.

You are so beautiful.

It is a way too hot out here for a girl

like you to just be walking around.

Aww.

You wanna go get a drink somewhere and cool off?

Yeah, baby.

Let's go.

I know a great place right up the way.

Hey, uh, is Alex in?

Actually, he just went to lunch.

Is there something that I can help you with?

Uh, yeah.

Actually, um, I'm kind of a new client of his.

Oh, are you Fred?

Yeah.

I've heard so much about you.

Oh really?

Yes.

Anything good?

All of it.

Yeah, you like that?

Oh, yes!

Oh!

Oh, yes!

FRED: I can't wait till Alex finds out about this.

Well, hey there, beautiful.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

I'm just waiting for my girlfriend to get here.

Girlfriend?

Well, you know, uh, my friend Alex, he

just gave me a honeymoon suite, uh, down at the hotel

down the way, uh, room 420.

We got a hot tub.

Uh, why don't you come by later?

Sure.

Bring your friend?

Yeah.

Promises, promises.

I'll see you there.

Of course.

All right.

Hey, girls.

Welcome to Fred's paradise.

Why don't you play with each other

before you get to play with me?

Yeah.

Yeah?

You girls do that sort of thing?

Yeah.

Mmm, that's hot.

Oh, yeah?

That's real hot.

Yeah.

Yeah Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, Daddy likes.

Mmm.

Ooh.

Yeah.

Oh, Daddy likes.

Are you ready for me?

Yeah.

You're not a real man until you split that dark oak.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't worry, baby.

I haven't forgot about you.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I like that dick.

Oh my god, yes.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck me, baby.

Fuck me hard and good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, love that dick.

Oh god, yes.

Yeah.

Welcome to paradise, baby.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck me, baby.

You like Fred's big dick, don't you?

Oh, yeah, baby.

I love that big dick.

Oh, fuck me.

Oh, yeah.

All day.

Oh, yeah.

All night.

How you doing there, beautiful?

Oh, hi.

Can I help you find something?

No, you can't help me find anything.

You see, I saw you from right over there and couldn't help

but notice how gorgeous you are.

So I wanted to come over and say hi.

-Hi. -Hey.

What's your name, dear?

Deanna.

Deanna, hi, I'm Alex.

Uh, Deanna, how would you like to, uh, hang

out with me after work tonight?

-That sounds fun. -Yeah?

What time you get off work?

5:00 PM.

Well, how about I pick you up at 6:00?

We'll meet you over at your place, and I'll get you off

and then we'll go out.

-Sounds fun. -All right.

Then why don't, uh, you put your number in my phone,

and I'll give you a call for directions this evening?

OK.

All right.

(SINGING) Ooh, he thinks I'm sweet little librarian.

He doesn't know I'm an animal in bed.

Woo!

Oh, goddamn, librarians really are kinky.

Oh, yeah.

Fuck yeah.

Holy shit!

What the-- are you fucking nuts?

-Say you love me, bitch. -Holy shit.

I love it, you crazy bitch.

-Say it like you mean it! -Holy shit!

I fucking love you.

Get that fucking thing away from me.

Jesus Christ.

Oh!

Oh!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

Yeah, I love you.

Say it like you mean it.

I fucking love you, I swear.

Yeah,

Holy shit!

Oh!

And I love you.

Yeah, I love you too.

Bad boy!

Bad boy!

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

Say you love me, baby.

Fuck you, Alex.

There is no way you're going to win this bet.

Oh, bud, you know this guy just keeps

getting better and better, man.

I can't even believe you've taught this nerd

how to be a quasi-player.

What can I say, brother?

It's a talent.

How many girls has he slept with anyway?

Well, it's been seven days.

He's banged six broads.

I think we've got some time to go.

Are you guys gonna fuck us or what?

Fuck this bet.

Let's fuck these broads.

Fuck yeah.

You wanna bang 30 girls in 30 days?

-Yeah. -I know you do, right?

You want some money to save your fucking family, don't you?

-I need that money. -Yeah, no shit you do.

So this is how you do it, all right?

Take a bunch of broads.

You fill them in this fucking car.

Mm hmm.

Bang the shit out of them.

Kick them the fuck out.

That's what you do, all right? -OK.

So I'm gonna give you a little intro into that philosophy.

Hey, Dollar Bill, let's go over to the titty bar real quick.

Alex, man, I love that idea.

I'm gonna work for you more often.

Excuse me, ma'am.

Do you have any Grey Poupon?

I've always wanted to say that.

I wouldn't blame you.

You wanna go for a ride in a limo?

No, I don't think so.

Oh, come on.

I'm extremely wealthy. -Really?

Mm hmm.

Like how wealthy?

Wealthy enough to be riding around in this limo.

Really?

Scoot over.

Hey, my name's Fred.

I'm Lisa, Fred.

Nice to me you, Lisa.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah.

You ever been fucked in the back of a limo?

Yes, but I'm willing to do it again.

[DOORBELL]

He's here.

I don't normally do this on the first date,

but you are irresistible.

This keeps getting better and better.

Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, yeah.

You're so kinky.

Yeah?

You think this is kinky?

You haven't seen nothing yet.

ALEX: Hey, baby.

Daddy's here to play.

What was that?

Oh my god, it's my husband.

Your husband?

You're married?

Holy shit.

LISA: What the hell are you doing here?

Well, you know, I was in the neighborhood

and figured it was time to come over and lay some pipe.

My husband's gonna be home in any minute.

Well, you know, fuck your husband.

You're gonna fuck me, and then, you know,

he'll get over it in the meantime.

LISA: Just one kiss.

Oh, fuck yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You fucking like this, don't you?

Yes, oh my god.

LISA'S HUSBAND: Honey, I'm home.

Oh my god, my husband's home.

Goddamn it.

Damn, baby, you look hot.

I wasn't expecting this.

I had one hell of a day at work.

That's what I hear.

Oh, god, you look good.

Mama's gonna make it all better.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

Are you?

Yeah.

You know what I want?

Oh, yeah, I want Big Ben.

Yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Get the fuck out.

Get the fuck out.

Time for Big Ben, baby.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, you people are messed up.

Yeah.

Honey, we coulda invited them.

I can't believe you gave me the fucking pink one.

What the hell?

Is that Fred?

What's going on?

Is everything's OK?

Yeah, yeah, everything's OK.

So I was, uh, able to fix up your laptop.

I just had to remove some spyware from it.

Well, you know, I really appreciate you coming over.

I don't know any of that kind of stuff.

And the computer was just jamming all up,

and so I'm glad you were able to come over and take care of that

this morning.

How's your coffee?

It's really good, actually.

Hmm.

Listen, I wanna ask you a question about something.

I-- I was out with your mom-- or your grandma the other night

in a car, and-- and, uh, the strangest thing happened.

We were driving down the street, and all of a sudden, uh,

several guys came running out of a house

and right ran in front of the car.

And the really odd thing was is that they looked like they were

naked, except they were wearing these, like, inner tubes

around their waists.

And I could've sworn one of them was you.

Uh--

Was that you?

Was that you out there running around in the street like that?

Yeah, it was.

Oh my god.

Wait till I tell Grandma.

It's a long story.

Uh, don't tell Mom and Dad.

But as you know, they've ran into some financial issues.

Yeah.

And we need a lot of money to be able to save

the house and business.

And the other night, we were out at the casino,

and I met these two businessman.

And, uh, I guess they like gambling,

and they're very wealthy.

So they made a $1 million bet with each other--

Oh, my.

--that one of them could teach me to sleep

with 30 girls in 30 days.

[LAUGHS]

Now, don't tell Mom and Dad.

I don't want to them to know about this or to worry,

and just in case it doesn't happen.

But yes, I've ended up in a lot of weird situations recently.

Well, why, uh, has the bet already started?

Have you already--

Yeah, yeah.

That was, uh, I was with a lady that night, and--

My goodness.

Well, why-- why were the other guys running around in there?

Was it one of those parties?

Was it one of-- one of those, like, orgy things, or--

You-- you could say that.

It wasn't anything like that.

But, uh, I guess you could say she gets around town,

and, uh, there was already some people over there

when I got there.

My goodness.

So I-- we ended up having to run out.

Well, son, let me just give you one little piece of advice, OK?

FRED: Mm hmm.

As long as you're taking the bet, bang 'em all.

Thanks, Grandpa.

I-- it certainly feels good to get this off my chest.

I think I'm gonna go try to get another one right now.

Thanks.

You go for it, son.

Let's check out the Craigslist casual encounters, my friends.

I bet there'll be some freaks out there, my friend.

"Glory holes galore.

Female superhero looks for archnemesis."

Oh, oh, oh, yes.

No, my friends, I've found it. "Orgy at house party tonight."

Suresh, I think you found a winner.

Yes, my friends, yes.

Dude, click on that.

Let's see the details.

Here we are.

Oh.

My friends, I finally get to lose my virginity

and fuck a pussy.

Hey.

Holy--

Oh my god.

A frog, a donkey, and a tiger fucking in a living room.

BLACK MAGIC: This is a fucking furry orgy, mon.

Oh, I love America.

Mmm, fresh meat for the grinder.

There's some costumes back there.

You guys should stay.

This is a fucking furry orgy, mon.

Oh, I love America.

-Let's get out of here, man. -Yeah.

Let's smoke a bowl.

Dude, I'm gonna need one.

You guys have fun.

I'm going to have fun here.

Ooh, sexy.

Oh, I love America.

Oh.

I like it when you come into Columbia and hang out with me.

I love that I can be myself around you.

Like, you mean a lot to me.

It feels so good because it's so real, you know?

Oh, look at you two lovebirds.

You know what you girls need?

A little pig in the blanket.

My name's Dick.

How you girls doing tonight?

We're good.

Yeah?

Sure you don't need a little meat in you?

I don't know.

What do you think?

I mean, I guess it worked out last time.

Let's do it.

Hey, what's up?

It's Fred.

Oh, hey.

Yeah, we met downtown.

Yeah.

So I've got comped a free hotel room here at the casino,

and I was wondering if you maybe you wanna

come over and have some fun.

Uh, yeah, sure.

Just text me the address, and I'll be right there.

Awesome.

See you soon.

I'm gonna pound that pussy.

Ain't easy being a player.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hey.

Glad you could make it.

Uh, come check out this pretty sweet place I have.

Oh.

[MOANS]

Oh, yeah.

I want that big dick.

Yeah?

Mm hmm.

Oh, Fred'll give you that big dick.

Oh, god.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Have you been eating pineapples?

Oh.

Mmm.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, smack it, smack it.

Oh, harder.

Oh, smack it, smack it.

Harder!

Harder!

Oh, do you-- god!

Jesus.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, bite my neck.

Oh.

Oh, yeah, you bad vampire.

Oh, that was awesome.

But, uh, you gotta go.

Check out's at 11:00.

At night?

You heard what I said.

Go on.

Well, you know, uh, thanks for coming.

Um, I didn't come.

You did, motherfucker.

All right, hop in the shower and then--

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

What now?

Oh, hey.

Hey.

What's going on with all the lipstick?

Oh, um, uh, my-- my mom was just here.

She-- she kissed me goodbye. Uh, come in.

I was just getting ready to get in the shower.

Oh, OK.

Uh, yeah, this is the hotel room.

I'm glad you came.

Are you ready for me to rock your world?

Ready as I'll ever be.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'm gonna get my house back.

Mmm, mmm.

Oh, Daddy needs a new house.

Mmm, yeah.

Yeah, mmm.

Mmm.

Oh, baby.

[MOANS]

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That was the best I've ever had.

I guess it was all right.

I mean, I've had better.

Hey.

How are you doing?

Looks like I'm about to be doing a lot better.

Mmm, I'm Destiny.

Yeah?

I'm gonna break your dick tonight.

Yeah.

[PHONE RINGS]

One second.

Oh, goodness.

Hello?

10 for 10?

Goddamn it!

You see the two of them right there?

FRED: Yeah.

All right.

I'm gonna go up there, be a total scumbag drunk,

and you're basically going to get laid.

You're gonna come in and be Superman.

You're gonna be the hero.

You're gonna come in and save the day.

I can do the hero card.

Oh, I know you can.

So I'm gonna go set this up.

I'm gonna go be a douche.

You come over right quick, stop me

as soon as I start being an asshole,

and you'll end up in the sack with both of them real quick.

Sounds like a plan, man.

Let's do it.

That is the plan.

Watch and learn, kid.

Hey, baby, you looking fucking hot tonight.

I kinda wanna just stick my dick between them titties.

OK, can you get the fuck away from me?

Thanks. -Wow.

How many times I gotta kick your ass, asshole?

Get the fuck out of here.

I-- I ain't trying to start no problems.

I'm sorry. -Leave these ladies alone.

-Wow. -I am sorry about that.

He's kind of the resident drunk.

Who's paying for the fucking drink?

Uh, you ladies mind if I, uh, you know,

have some drinks with you?

Make sure, you know, you stay safe?

Uh--

Well, why not?

What a gentleman.

Oh, thank you.

Hey. -Hi.

Um, this seat's taken actually, sweetheart.

By who?

My boyfriend.

I'm meeting him here.

No, you're not.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Um, that's my drink, asshole.

-Is it? -Yes.

Let me get you another one.

OK.

Bartender, I'll have a vodka cranberry with the Grey Goose.

So how did you know that's what I was drinking?

I know a lot about you.

Oh, is that so?

I know you're lonely and you're depressed.

The kicker is, I know you don't actually have a boyfriend.

I can see the tan line on your ring finger.

You're actually divorced.

You came here to look for someone.

Someone like me.

So what's your name, Casanova?

My name is not important.

What I can do for you is.

And what can you do for me?

I can rock your world.

I will make you come like you've never came before.

I will make you forget all about that asshole

that left you here.

I saw you across the room, and I was

like, that is most beautiful woman I've seen,

and I have to make her mine.

Oh, OK. Is that right?

Damn straight.

You wanna get out of here?

Let's go.

Oh my god, you're so sexy.

Take it off.

Oh, yeah.

God, yes.

You're so good.

Oh my god.

God, I think I love you.

Uh oh.

Uh, you-- you know--

What's wrong, baby?

Um, I was just wondering.

I got this letter.

I couldn't figure out what it-- have you heard of wa-- warts?

Genital warts?

Is--

What?

What are you talking about? -I don't.

I got a letter from my doctor.

It was bugging me all night.

I was trying to figure out what the hell does that even mean.

That's fucking gross.

Are you kidding?

Ew!

Fuck.

You fucking shmuck.

Here's your tube sock back.

You're gonna need it.

Eat your heart out, Alex.

(SINGING) Another one bites the dust.

As soon as I--

Hey, girls.

How about a little menage a trois?

What?

Uh--

Well, someone needs to hold the camera.

I've gotta know.

Would any of you girls here fuck me?

Only if you bought me a shot first.

But this is an ice cream place.

There's a bar right there.

That's a good idea.

You wanna go?

Yeah.

All right, let's go.

You girls are beautiful.

What are you up to tonight?

-Just got my purity ring. -Purity rings.

Isn't it immaculate?

A ring can't plug a hole.

Oh.

All right, ladies, let's cut to the chase.

I'm Alex.

This here's Nikolai.

We've got a net worth of $100 million.

We like fast cars, fast money, and fast broads.

-Nice. -Nice.

Here's what we're gonna do tonight.

We're going back to my place, we're

gonna crack open a bottle of Dom Perignon, do some blow,

and fuck in the Jacuzzi.

Sounds perfect.

Let's get the fuck out of here.

Let's go.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, oh, swallow!

Kids are starving in Africa.

Oh, yeah.

That was great, ladies, but, uh, get the fuck out.

Guys, I don't know, man.

I know so many girls that are in there.

I don't know if I can do this.

Hey, mon, we've got your back.

As long as we're with you, nothing's going to happen.

All right.

Well, if you guys can wingman it, I think we can do it.

Let's all get laid tonight.

This is Suresh's first party.

Yes, my friends, my first American party.

I've never beheld such joys.

-Here's to honor. -Get in honor.

Stay in honor.

And if you can't come in her--

--come on her!

I have no idea what you said, my friends, but cheers.

One day, you will.

Let's get fucked up, man.

Yes, my friend, these words I understand.

(SINGING DRUNKENLY) I love America.

I love--

Suresh, is that you?

Anish?

Anish, my friend, how are you?

How are you, Suresh?

My friend, I am so good, and it is good to see you.

Last time I saw you, you were milking a donkey, my friend.

Have you got a blow job yet?

No, my friend, I've never had a girl suck my dick.

I came to America because the girls put the mouths

on the penis, but no girl has put their mouth

on my penis, my friend.

Oh! [SOBBING]

Shit.

Wanna smoke this up?

Nice.

Oh my god, you are that asshole with the really bad pickup

line.

Yeah.

I was really drunk that day.

I-- I'm sorry.

You know, why don't we go inside and maybe get a drink

and make up for it?

OK, that sounds good.

You know, I think you're actually one

of the coolest girls I've met.

I know I was a total asshole the other night,

but let's go somewhere private where we can talk.

I don't like all these people here.

Hi, my name's Nico.

Nice to meet you.

I've got a mound of cocaine and a ton of champagne.

Let's go back to my place, and I'll let you jerk my chain.

You had me at "cocaine."

Let's go.

[PHONE RINGS]

Look, I didn't pick up the first three

times you called, all right?

Take a hint.

I got a-- I'm cooking dinner.

I got a date coming over.

Later.

Damn women.

Boom, headshot!

[PHONE RINGS]

Are you kidding me?

Not now.

All these women won't stop calling me.

[PHONE RINGS]

What am I gonna do, kitty, huh?

[PHONE RINGS]

It's 3:00 AM.

Am I just a piece of ass to you or what?

Yeah, it's really late.

You sound fucking hammered.

Go to bed.

Oh my god.

I'm fucking exhausted.

Damn, that's some grade A primo blow.

Glad you like it, bud.

We got 30 keys for nothing from that prick out west.

Hey, Freddie boy, you need to, uh, try some of this, man.

It'll put some hair on your chest.

Go ahead and do some.

It's the greatest feeling in the world.

OK.

I generally smoke weed, but I'm up for anything once.

Freddie, shut up and take one, all right?

Oh.

That is-- that is strong.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hang on a second.

Yeah.

[GLASS BREAKING]

Yo, dude, you hear that?

They're about to lose a lot more than that cocaine.

[GLASS BREAKING]

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck?

What's going on?

Knife to a gunfight, huh?

You ain't so smart, are ya?

Yeah, that's why you're dead.

That's what I thought, you stupid bitch.

Hey, shitbird, wake up.

Everything's fine.

Would you calm down?

I think we need another line.

Fred has been one naughty boy.

Take a look at this.

That's a 57-year-old woman, grandmother of three.

Actually, I wouldn't mind, uh, getting this girl's number.

You telling me he slept with all these women?

Yeah.

And this one here?

This one?

I don't even know if that's a girl exactly or not.

You gotta be fucking kidding me.

This douchebag couldn't get laid by a French whore

if he had $500 in his pocket.

Look at the pictures.

NICO: You gotta be fucking kidding me.

Oh my god, that rave was so awesome.

I'm rolling my balls off right now.

Yeah, it was.

Get on the fucking bed, bitch.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Oh, take it, take it all.

Yeah, take it all, girl.

You like that, Molly?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, oh!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, god.

Oh, yeah!

I'm coming!

I'm coming!

Oh.

Damn, that was some great sex.

What the fuck?

You're already done?

I was just getting started.

Are those space pants?

Excuse me?

'Cause your ass is from outer space.

OK.

Have a nice one.

Resistance is futile.

You're the most beautiful girl I've seen,

and I just had to come over and say what's up.

Hi.

Hey, uh, my name's Fred.

You wanna maybe do dinner or something sometime?

Yeah, let's go now.

You know, I-- I don't normally do this.

But you're one of the most beautiful girls I've seen,

and I just had to come and talk to you.

OK.

It's really hot out.

You wanna maybe go get a drink somewhere?

Um, you know what? Yeah.

That'd be-- that'd be really fantastic, actually.

Awesome.

I know a great spot right up the way.

Cool.

Damn, girl, you're the most beautiful

girl I've seen all day.

Ugh, no.

Come on.

Hey, ladies.

How about a foursome?

You're an asshole.

Your loss.

Hey, beautiful.

Did the fall hurt?

You're pretty cute, but I have a boyfriend.

Oh.

You're an angel.

Oh, yes.

I have a surprise for you.

A surprise?

Mm hmm.

This hasn't gone so well in the past, but what's your surprise?

Ahem.

Oh.

Hey there.

How are you doing?

I'm gonna fuck your little mouth.

Ooh.

You like Fred's big dick, don't you?

Oh, yeah. Ooh.

Yeah.

Yes, yes.

[HARP MUSIC PLAYING]

Oh.

What?

What are you all doing here?

Yes.

-Me first. -No, me!

No, me!

Fred!

Fred!

Oh, oh!

Some messed-up dream, but I guess

I'm living like a rock star.

Oh.

Game time.

Hey, girl, you're the most beautiful

thing I've seen all day.

Oh, Veronica.

I-- I knew it was you.

Hi, Fred.

Hey, what's up?

You never-- you never call me anymore.

You never ask me for tech support.

I haven't talked to you in like weeks.

You just kind of turned into a douchebag.

Life's gotten really complex.

We should talk about it.

How about a cup of coffee?

I don't know, Fred.

I'm just asking for coffee.

I'm not asking for you to marry me.

3 o'clock.

How about Coffee Zone?

All right.

3 o'clock, Coffee Zone.

I'll see you there.

All right.

Don't be late.

What a cocksucker.

She's gonna be number 21 and doesn't even know it.

Mmm.

Such a sexy little man, aren't you?

Yeah.

Oh, take me.

Mmm, yeah.

Mmm, yeah.

Oh.

Mmm, we need to do that again.

Actually, uh, there's, uh, cab fare on the nightstand.

What are you talking about?

Uh, you're girl 22, and I've got a quota to meet.

Fuck you.

The door's on your right.

You're worried about chicken, motherfucker?

Here's your boy.

Guess who got number 23, baby?

That's my kid right there.

Is that fun to be you?

Is that fu-- fucking fun, fu--fu--fu--fu--

fucking fun to be you?

There's still eight fucking days left.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Eight days?

I'll be at 40 girls by then.

No way that fucking douche is gonna get my fucking money.

Take care of my meat.

Remember that shit.

FRED: Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh yeah, by the way, man the grill, pussy.

We got business to handle.

Are you fucking kidding me?

ALEX: Yeah.

Go fuck yourself while we bang these broads, all right?

Fuck you guys.

ALEX: See you in the trailer.

Fuck you.

Oh, goodness.

ALEX: Oh, fuck yeah. WOMAN: Oh, god.

ALEX: That's my girl.

WOMAN: Fuck yeah.

ALEX: You like that shit, don't you?

Fuck yeah.

What the fuck you want?

Who's this guy?

This is fucking Papa Dukes over here.

This guy runs the goddamn show.

Taught me how to--

I taught him everything he knew.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Told me every goddamn word I've ever spat.

He's trying to beat my record, you know.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

This place is so beautiful, but it's not as beautiful as you.

Oh, Fred, come on.

You know you use that old, tired line on every girl.

I do.

But hey, it works.

So I've noticed.

What are you doing here?

Well, me and a couple girlfriends came out,

and, uh, their boyfriends all came, and I split up with mine.

Just leave me alone.

No, you stop.

You were cheating on me the whole time.

Well--

Well, what?

You're a webcam girl.

What do you expect?

Fuck you.

Get out.

No, fuck you.

I got your sister.

I'm by myself.

I'm sorry to hear that.

But I mean, dude, fuck that guy, dude.

He's--

Fred.

He's a douchebag.

It's the honest truth.

I know.

Well, um, most of my friends, they're all off

getting drunk right now.

Uh, do you wanna maybe go for a walk?

I would love that.

Here's the most potent piece of advice I can give you,

I can give you.

What is it, Daddy?

That 30th one that I did?

Yeah?

That was your mother.

Yeah, but you know what?

You-- she was a keeper, right? -She was a keeper.

But you still fucked everything in between.

You betcha, all 30 of them.

Ah, that's my boy.

But the last one was the best.

And guess what I got out of the deal?

Uh, uh, child support?

You, my dear old son, you.

All right, fair enough.

[MUSIC GARETH YOUNG, "FALLING IN LOVE"]

It's just so beautiful here.

Just-- I really needed this myself.

I mean, I'm-- I'm really glad we got to have this time together.

Me too.

Don't make fun of me.

OK.

I wanna-- I want to throw a message in a bottle out.

You wanna do it with me?

Yeah, let's do it.

Yeah?

Let's go.

[MUSIC GARETH YOUNG, "FALLING IN LOVE"]

FRED: Veronica?

What are you doing here?

You know what I'm doing here.

I never wanted anything more in my life.

Make love to me.

Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, god.

Fuck me with your big hard cock.

How you doing, broad?

Ugh, what do you want?

I would like your dick around my, uh, front-- um,

your boobs around my dick.

You're so fucked up.

I'm fucked--

What would Fred say?

Oh, Fred would probably pull some bullshit.

But I'm just gonna put your lips around my cock,

and we're gonna call it a day.

No, no.

What are you talking about, broad?

Because you know how I feel about Fred.

This is bullshit.

Nah, you're fine.

Nobody cares about Fred.

Ow.

[PHONE RINGS]

Hey, uh, Veronica.

Uh, sorry I missed you.

I-- I got your message this morning.

I had so much fun last night.

Um, I was just wondering if maybe you wanna go out

or do something or whatever.

Uh, why don't you just give me a call back

whenever you get this?

I had so much fun.

All right, talk to you soon.

Bye bye.

I have a little problem.

I ran into that, uh, Veronica girl, the girl next door,

and, uh, we really hit it off.

I think I'm in love.

I don't know if I can--

You think-- you think you're in love?

Yeah.

Let's go talk about you being in love outside, all right?

OK.

Man, I just love that girl.

I've always wanted her.

All right, you're starting to fucking piss me off.

-What's that? -Listen to me.

You've been fucking with me for too goddamn long, all right?

-Yeah. -See this fucking thing?

Yeah, yeah?

I'm gonna shove it up your girl's ass,

and I'm gonna click it while her mouth's around my cock

unless you finish this bet and get me my money.

Do you understand that?

Yeah.

This makes sense to you?

-I can do it. -Good.

It better fucking make sense. -I can do it.

Just four girls. -Yeah, four girls.

I've got it.

Because if you don't, this is the last fucking thing

you're gonna see, all right? -OK.

So get this shit done.

Quit pissing me off, you little shitbird.

There's no way I can do this freaking bet.

Three girls in the next 12 hours.

I guess I better just call Alex and see what

he wants to do about the bet.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello?

Come in.

Veronica.

What-- what are you doing here?

Hey, Fred.

Hey.

I know all about the bet.

Oh, really?

Who-- who'd you talk to?

-Black Magic and-- - --and Suresh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I-- the bad news is, there's no way

I can complete this bet.

I mean, I have three girls in less than 12 hours,

and there's no way even I could pull that off.

Fred, you underestimate me.

Girls.

What are they doing here?

They're gonna get you that money.

You know what to do.

Let's save this house!

Oh, you're so good in bed.

He's so sexy.

All right, girls, we're done.

Get the fuck out.

Get off my man.

Out, out, out, out, out, out.

Come on.

You're the greatest girl ever.

I don't even know if I want to lay down next to you.

Let's go change your sheets.

Yeah, we probably should.

Hey, you know what I was thinking about?

Those idiots in Vegas who were like, hey, guys,

you know, I'll find you some blow, and we'll pay 'em off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good luck with that shit happening.

How about your boy?

What about my boy?

Man, he made on hell of a run, Alex.

Made a hell of a run.

But that's $1 million.

Hey, speaking of-- hey, fuckstick.

How you doing, bud?

Guys, I did it!

30 girls, 30 days!

I wanna see the fucking proof.

You had your old boy following.

I know you got the proof. -Wait, wait, wait.

-Where's my money? -Wait, wait.

Wait a minute. You-- you did it?

-Yeah. -You sealed the deal?

I can't believe it myself.

But where's my money?

I need the money.

I got it right here for you.

Hang on just a second. Where is it?

There it is.

Hey, you stupid fuck..

First of all, I'm not giving--

[ALARM SIREN] -Fuck!

Shit! No, no.

People are here.

Go out back right now.

Move, move.

[ALARM SIREN]

You fucked with the wrong cartel!

Ah!

FRED: Oh my god.

[POLICE SIRENS]

Hey, kid.

Hey.

Yeah.

The sirens are coming.

You better get the fuck outta here.

But take this shit with you.

Take it.

I wasn't gonna give it to you, you little fucknut.

But get outta here.

Go.

Go into the wrong hole.

Go.

Just fucking go.

I love you, man.

ALEX: Goddamn it.

Ah, Fuck.

All right.

You alive, kid?

Ah, fuck.

Looks like we're going to the hole for a long time.

We ain't gonna have no girlfriends,

I'll tell you that much.

Shit.

Mr. and Mrs. Gray, you're past due on your mortgage.

You have a quarter million due tonight at midnight

or you're going to lose your house.

So I'm going to have ask you to turn over your keys.

Can you give us any more time? An extension?

Please? Please?

Anything?

No, I-- I can't.

I need the money right now.

I need the quarter million right now.

Is now now?

Or you're gonna have to give me the keys.

You're gonna have to sign.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Please.

OK, OK.

No.

No!

We don't have a choice.

My friend, I am so excited to fuck these bitches.

We just have to take Fred to somewhere.

Yes, we need to go to my parents.

I just-- -Calm down, Fred.

What's going on? -I just got the money.

I can save the house.

We just gotta get there fast.

I'm on it, my friend.

I'm on it.

I need you to sign right here.

[PHONE RINGS] -Don't sign it.

Don't sign it. -Hold on.

Hold on.

Oh god, who's calling now?

Hello?

-Hey, Dad. -Fred?

-Yeah, it's me. -Fred?

What does he--

Fred, now is not a good time.

I got the money.

Yeah, I got all the money.

There's no time to explain.

Uh, yeah, I'll be there in 10 minutes.

Uh, we got the money, I guess.

-We got the money. -Uh, we'll see.

We'll see this money. -Just five more minutes.

It's not even midnight yet. -Look, look, look.

We've got five minutes. -I can't wait five minutes.

I wanna see this money.

Guys, we've gotta hurry.

The house gets foreclosed on at midnight.

You have 10 seconds to come up with the money,

or I'm gonna have to take the keys to the house.

Thanks for the ride, guys.

Have fun at the rave.

Good luck with those girls.

No, no, no, no.

Five, four, three, two, one.

I got it.

-Oh! -Wow.

A quarter of a million dollars.

Looks like it's all here.

He did it.

Our house is ours!

Congratulations, you've saved your house.

Thank you very much.

Son, I'm so proud of you.

Me too.

How did you do it?

You'd never believe me if I told you.

Oh.

Well, we're so proud of you, honey.

So proud.

Would you wash my sheets tomorrow?

Oh, sure.

Guys, I can't believe I actually did it.

I slept with 30 girls in 30 days,

got the woman of my dreams, and was actually

to save my parents' place.

Yeah, mon, but Suresh never got to fuck on a camel.

But, my friends, I did get to fuck a frog and a donkey.

I don't know if I'd brag about that, mon.

Yeah, that furry orgy was a little weird.

But hey, cheers anyways, guys.

Cheers, my friends.

Cheers, my friends.

NICO: I've got $2 million--

ALEX: OK.

--that says my horse can outrun your horse.

My Indian horse is a champ, my friend.

Suresh over here, he's gonna kill it.

Right, buddy? -30 girls in 30 days.

What are you gonna say? What do you tell him?

Tell him.

Psych him out.

My friends, my culture wrote the "Kama Sutra."

You are fucked, my friends.

You are fucked.

Hey, mon, that's exactly what we want.

ALEX: Well, we gave it a shot.

Let's say thanks, huh?

I could argue that.

Hey, you miserable fuck.

You know who this is.

You tried to off us.

What the fuck were you thinking, you dumb piece of shit?

I'll fucking kill you, you motherfucker.

You better give me my fucking money, bitch.

Well anyway, bud, we just wanted to call and say thanks.

And, uh, I got a little present for you, buddy.

Yeah.

Right about now, I just want you to turn around.

[GUNSHOT]

Well, you know.

You fuck with the bull, you get the horns.

Right, kid? -Yeah.

What a dumb fucking idiot.

Ah, these people.

You know, they always try.

They never-- they never fucking survive.

The last thing we're gonna do.

Tell you what.

Let's go do some lines, fuck some strippers,

and, uh, bask in the glory that some dumb shmuck's dead.

Deal.

Oh, baby.

You're the greatest girl ever.

I've got the girl of my dreams, saved my house, and a quarter

of a million dollars.

I'm really kind of hungry though.

-I'll go make you a sandwich. -Really?

Yeah.

Oh.

I'll be right back.

Yeah, babe, I'll be right over there.

It ain't easy being a player.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: What you doing, Gary?

This is a terrible fucking idea.

This how we make movies for you assholes.

So then they put duct tape on my fucking hairy-ass chest

and lay a goddamn firework on it.

Then they go, oh, oh, it's OK.

Don't worry.

Just keep drinking more.

So guess what, fuckers?

I am drinking more.

So I hope you fucking enjoy it, because you're

all a bunch of douchebags.

One more for the firecracker.

Every fucking one of you.

MAN: All right.

I hate all of you right now.

MAN: Camera's rolling.

[LAUGHTER]

Serial.

Super serial.

MAN: I'll get your shirt.

You just get ready to put your gun up.

Ready?

Fuck yourself.

Oh god.

MAN: Go.

Oh, it's already burning.

Oh!

Get the fuck outta here.

Jesus Christ.

I swear to God if-- like, seriously?

Who the fuck let the goddamn elephant in the room?

What the fuck is going on here?

Get the fuck-- get your fat ass the fuck outta here.

It's disgusting.

Do you see that fucking thing?

It looks like someone smacked you in the head

with a frying pan.

What the fuck is going on with you?

No, I swear to God, you need to get in the goddamn sun.

Because it's fucking-- it's absolutely fucking depressing.

I swear to God, you look like-- you're practically

fucking transparent.

Get the fuck outta here. All right.

No, really?

Like seriously, what, did-- did your mom fuck her brother?

Because how the fuck do you end up being this goddamn hideous?

I swear to God, there's a little incest going on here.

You guys crossed bloodlines, and you're the fucking product.

Get the fuck outta here.

Do you have a fucking Adam's apple?

Did you, like, start out with a cock,

and then they fucking-- wait, well, let me guess.

You tape it to your fucking leg, don't you?

Or you tape it back or some shit.

Let me guess, you do the fucking mangina

and walk around and try to pass yourself as a broad.

There's no way you're a fucking chick.

Look at the fucking thing.

Jesus Christ, you got more stubble than me.

Yeah, thanks for sitting down.

Get the fuck back up.

I'm not even gonna give you the time of day.

Holy cow, look at this one.

It is a pleasure to sit across the table from you, dear.

KATIE: Well, thank you.

So, uh, what's your name?

KATIE: Katie.

Katie, pleasure to meet you. I'm Alex.

KATIE: You too.

You-- you really made up for the rest

of these freaking things they had sitting down before me.

I tell you, it was the most disgusting thing

I've ever seen in my life.

It was just like a hippo after a hippo after rhinos.

Oh, absolutely atrocious.

KATIE: Well, I'm glad to hear that.

Yeah.

So, um, I just wanna fuck.

I got the dick for it.

You and I need to get outta here right now.

KATIE: Let's go, baby. -All right.

I'm 26 years old.

I live in my parents' basement.

But, you know, it's free.

What can I say?

Um, I'm still a virgin.

WOMAN: Wow, a virgin?

Yeah.

WOMAN: I like virgins.

Oh, yeah?

Honestly, I'm really looking for a woman

that's into my interests, a little bit of kink.

I love women when they just kick me in the fucking nads

and put their fucking fist in my ass and just go unh.

You just-- you just put your fingers right there

and you just kinda-- like that.

My name's Black Magic.

Magic for a reason, black because it's 12 inches or more.

Yeah, I just broke up with my boyfriend.

Um, I'm not doing real well.

I, uh, hold on.