Original subtitles

Okay, open this one.

Here I'll help you.

Whoa! Documents.

Yes.

This is

your original

intern application,

your original parking pass,

this is your original

photo ID.

Did you get that

out of my purse?

Doesn't matter.

And this is a copy of

your very first paycheck.

Who's that from?

Me. It's from me.

Happy birthday!

Thank you, Leslie.

Open mine.

There it is. It's nice.

I mean, it can be a little

sappy and sentimental to

kind of frame things,

but it's always nice to

remember the beginning

of something.

You know, the start.

And when you have...

Oh, geez.

Ron.

For God's sake.

She's an adult now.

She should know how

to responsibly handle

and discharge a weapon.

That there

is a Sig Sauer

.22 caliber Mosquito.

Manufactured

in Switzerland for

their pussy police force.

This two tone,

lightweight model is perfect

for a skinny little thing

like you.

Gee, thanks, Ron.

I will hold on

to this for you until

we get you licensed up.

And then I'll take you

for some target practice.

Goody.

Yeah. I do feel

a little guilty.

I'm re-gifting.

That's great. I'd love

to hear all about your

family vacation.

Hey.

Oh, thank God. Get out, Kyle.

Hello, birthday girl.

Did you like that?

Yes.

That high-five was

your birthday present.

Just kidding.

That wasn't it.

I got you something else.

I wrote you a song.

Really?

Yeah. Yeah.

What's it called?

Not telling.

But I'll give you a clue.

It's named after a month

out of the year.

So April?

No.

That would have

been way better.

Whatever.

I can rewrite the lyrics.

Are you

coming to my party?

Yeah, I wouldn't miss it for

the world. Are you kidding me?

Okay, cool.

Okay.

Well, we'll hang out then.

Okay.

It's going to be fun.

Yes, I am 21-years-old today.

Which is the age

that pretty much

everyone agrees

makes you an adult.

"In the words of

the great 19th century

outdoorsman Jack London,

""You can't wait for

inspiration.

"You have to go

after it with a club.'

"With those words ringing in

our ears, we proudly present

"our plans

for a new park

on municipal lot 48."

That's good.

I know.

The yearly budget and planning

proposal for a city is called

the Master Plan.

Isn't that

just so awesome

you can't stand it?

It's mostly filled with

boring, bureaucratic

language,

so I tried to

spice it up a little.

"So, I say the function

of man is to live,

not to exist.

"I would rather

that my spark should

burn out in a brilliant blaze,

"than it should be

stifled by dry rot."

You wrote that?

Jack London. Again.

Is there too many

Jack London quotes?

No, no.

Yeah. I mean, you can

never have enough.

That is easily

the most exciting budget

proposal I've ever heard.

Well, I'm presenting it today.

And if it flies,

we are gonna get our

money to build the park.

I mean, it only took

us 15 months to do this.

I can't believe it.

It would've taken 13

months if you'd agreed

to work on the weekends,

but still, it's great.

It's amazing.

Well, the meeting's at 10:00.

Come over

to my office

for champagne after.

I don't think

I should do that.

Oh, right.

Mark. Awkward.

I ended

things with Mark

a couple of days ago.

And I'm not

gonna talk about it.

Ladies and gentlemen,

this is your final warning.

Do not miss tonight's

April Ludgate birthday bash.

9:00 p.m. at

the world-famous

Snakehole Lounge,

the place the

Pawnee Journal has called

"The sexiest, most

dangerous club in town."

That's not what they wrote.

Fine, I added

the word "sexiest."

But we've hired

better security.

Yes, I am a good friend

for throwing the party.

I'm also a genius, because

I'm using the occasion

to stock

the club with every

available hottie I know.

Call me a romantic, but

I believe by the end of

the night,

I will have

between one and

four new girlfriends.

I can't believe our

little girl's all

grown up.

Damn the wheel of the world.

Why must it continually

turn over?

Jack London. Nice.

Yeah.

Okay. Let's go, boss.

We have a meeting to

go to.

Yay!

Once a year, every branch of

this government meets in

a room

and announces

what they intend to

waste taxpayer money on.

For a libertarian

such as myself,

it's philosophically

horrifying.

They also really

cheap out on the snacks.

"Hydrax" cookies.

Did you know there

was an off brand

Hydrox?

I did not.

They're not bad.

Good morning, everybody.

I know you all have your

budget presentations ready,

but there's

a change of plans.

Due to the crippling

gridlock in City Council,

we are postponing all planning

and spending decisions

indefinitely.

Until when?

Indefinitely.

And when will that end?

Later than now.

So this week, probably?

Look, we are bordering

on a full-blown crisis,

Leslie.

The state government is

sending a team from

Indianapolis

to try to solve

this budget problem.

"In the event

the Master Plan

meeting is cut short,

"in the event I have

laryngitis and I can't

present the Master Plan,

"in the event the Master Plan

meeting is moved onto a boat."

Look, I'm prepared

for every situation.

Except for the one

where there's no

Master Plan.

Just calm down.

You don't even know

what they're going to do.

Ron, they're

state auditors.

They're not

gonna come and

pat us on the back.

They're here

to slash and burn.

Well, I'd be fine with that.

This government is diseased.

It's like a big,

fat, angry slob

spending money

it doesn't have on

crap it doesn't need.

"Me want

more pointless

social programs.

"Yummy, yummy, yum."

That's what

government does, Ron.

It provides services.

They're gonna

try to eliminate

everything we do.

We got to fight these guys.

They've been

sent by the Governor.

They outrank everyone.

There's no fight to be

had here.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm not going to

fight them.

Except that I am.

Okay, Leslie, what do we

do when we get this angry?

We count backwards

from 1,000 by sevens,

and we think

of warm brownies.

Go do that

in your office.

Go do it

in your office.

And we'll wait for

these guys to show up.

I'll wait for you

to show up.

You don't need

to bring anything

but your gorgeous body.

And get this.

Cover charge is normally $15.

Say my name at the door,

it's $13.50.

Andy!

Hey.

You coming out tonight,

part owner of the club?

Yes, let me ask

you a quick question.

What's the youngest a girl

can be that if we go out,

I'm not a total scumbag?

You know the old rule.

Half your age plus seven.

Half my age

plus seven.

Okay.

Well, I'm 29,

so half of 29.

Add seven. That's only...

Twenty is...

Twenty-one...

Twenty-years-old.

Twenty-one.

...and a half.

Twenty-one-years old

and a half.

Yeah.

Yep.

We got the same thing

with the equation

on that one.

Here's the thing. What

if she's slightly younger?

Can I go out with

someone younger

than that?

Please, you totally can.

Yeah.

Tom says it's okay.

That probably means

it isn't okay.

Thank you for

meeting with

me again.

I don't

even know really

what I want to say.

But I guess

I just don't get it.

You know, our relationship

was so great.

Mark, honestly,

it was really nice.

But maybe

you thought it

was so amazing,

because you've never dated

someone for so long before.

Well, but for example,

we barely ever fought.

That's not a good sign.

You're supposed to

fight sometimes.

You're supposed to

miss the other person

even if

they're only

gone for 20 minutes.

And I just didn't feel that.

Did you?

Man, I should have

yelled at you

way more.

Well, Paul just called.

They're on their way.

Oh, God.

They're going to

fire people, aren't they?

Yeah, I am two years from

my pension.

Relax, Jerry.

We don't know that.

Maybe these people are

very helpful and pleasant.

Hello?

Death!

Divorce filings?

Fourth floor.

Hello, hello.

Hey, how are you?

Hello, there.

Hi.

Chris Traeger. This is Ben.

Hello, gents. Ron Swanson.

Ron Swanson.

Okay.

I'm Deputy Director

Leslie Knope.

Leslie Knope.

It is fantastic to be here.

Would you gentlemen

like a tour?

There is quite literally

nothing I would rather

have in the world

than a tour of the Parks and

Recreation Department of the

great City of Pawnee

led by

Ron Swanson

and Leslie Knope.

Okay.

Ben?

I don't think

that's a great idea.

Let's do it!

Great!

Chris is the most positive

state budget auditing

consultant

I have ever met.

I mean, I made

eye contact with him,

and it was like

staring into the sun.

People, we are here

from the state budget

office from Indianapolis.

What does that mean?

Look, simply we are here

to tinker with your budget.

Think of the government

as a broken-down carousel.

We're going to slap

on a new coat of paint,

we are going to fix

that broken speaker

system,

and we are going to

get those happy kids

back up on the horses

where they belong!

Okay?

Yeah.

Okay?

Okay.

Yeah, that's not bad.

There it is.

My partner,

Ben, is going to stick

around for a little bit,

and I will

see you all later.

Do you have a second?

I really like your shirt.

So I'd like to talk

about where you think

there's waste

within your department.

Where do I start?

There is none.

What exactly

will you be cutting?

And how much of it?

And can I watch you do it

while eating pork cracklings?

Okay,

let's start

with personnel.

What can you tell me

about Jerry Gergich?

He is one of the

best people on the planet.

He's universally adored here.

If you fired him,

there would be

a revolt.

Okay, you need to understand

that just to keep this town

afloat,

we probably have to cut the

budget of every department

by 40 or 50%. Okay?

Well, but Chris said that

you just had to, you know,

tinker with things.

Yeah, he said that because

that sounds a lot better

than

"We're going to gut it

with a machete." Okay?

You're a jerk.

I'm sorry?

Easy.

I'm sorry.

These are real people

in a real town, working in

a real building, with real

feelings.

This building has feelings?

Maybe. There's a lot

of history in this one.

Maybe it does.

How can you be so

blasé about this?

Because I didn't cause

these problems, Ms. Knope.

Your government did.

I'll get what I need from

the spreadsheets. Thanks.

What's a not gay way to

ask him to go camping

with me?

Jean-Ralphio.

Looking hot, Big T.

Throw them bows

What? Damn, girl, who

are you trying to impress?

Just kidding. I know.

Walk away.

Yep, you got it.

Donna.

Jean-Ralphio.

Yeah.

Got you a birthday shot.

Thanks,

but now that it's legal,

I've kind of lost interest.

Suit yourself.

I guess our awesome

new park is on hold.

You have any idea

what they're going to cut?

Nope.

You know what?

You shouldn't

wait around.

You should come up

with your own budget plan and

just control your own destiny.

Yeah. I just don't know

if I can play God

like that.

Angry, vengeful

God who just fires

Jerry for no reason.

You'd fire Jerry?

Not necessarily.

I don't know.

It's just been

a really crappy day.

Where were you

earlier when I called?

Talking to Mark.

Again?

Yeah. It has

been a rough week.

You want to get super drunk?

I really do.

Yeah. Where's our lady? Hey!

Hey.

I hope

you all know

I was instrumental

in getting Trish

crowned Miss Pawnee.

What was your talent again?

Oh, yeah.

Looking amazing.

Hey, ladies,

is there anything you

desire at all, besides me?

So funny.

You are so funny!

I'm serious, though.

Are you into me?

What?

Chug that, bitch!

Rules are rules.

No, Ann,

listen to me.

Listen to me, Ann.

I know I had a Master Plan

and it all blew up in

my face,

but you... You came into

a town hall meeting,

and we met

and we

became friends,

and that is awesome.

It is so awesome.

You are so awesome.

I love you.

I love you, too.

But I need more beer.

I'm gonna get you more beer.

Best friends of ever.

Hey, April.

Oh, my gosh.

You look amazing.

Let me see you.

No.

Give me a twirl.

No.

This is beautiful.

Don't look at me.

No, look at me.

Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Can I get you a drink?

Or wait.

Yeah, I can swing it.

Can I get you a drink?

Whiskey. Neat.

Wow.

You're not

messing around.

No. I'm not.

Barkeep.

Andy Dwyer!

It's so awesome to see you.

Hey, you, too. How are you?

Let me

ask you a question.

Was I a good girlfriend?

Ann, you were

an awesome girlfriend.

Really?

Yeah.

Aw!

I mean,

I was the screw-up.

Yeah, you were.

We had a good

relationship,

right?

God, I think so.

I mean, we fought a lot.

I know.

I know. I know that.

Let me ask you something.

I'm hot.

Is that a question?

When we were together...

I can't see.

When we were together.

Yes.

Were there times

that you were like,

"If I don't see Ann in, like,

10 seconds, I'm going to die"?

Yes, all the time.

I loved Andy.

Loved him. Loved Andy.

He was a totally

helpless baby

when we met.

I dated him for three years.

Now, he's an adult with

a job.

And some

other girl is going to reap

the rewards of my hard work?

That's bull.

And I'm reading this,

and I'm like,

"How could they hurt

those gorillas like that?"

They're such

gentle, magnificent

creatures, you know?

I'm an animal lover.

I don't know.

Hey, I want you to

keep this bottle cap.

So you always remember me

and the first time we met.

Classic game.

Plant the seed.

Harvest, like,

a half hour later.

Here you go. Sorry

that took forever.

God.

Hey, baby,

you miss me?

Because I missed you.

Look at this.

Jean-Ralphio. Hey.

Hey. Andy.

Andy.

That's an all right name.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Are you guys... Are you

guys hanging out together?

Yeah, maybe.

Yep.

You know, he asked

me out so many times.

I guess he wore me down.

I'm very persistent.

Come over here.

I can hear you.

Come on.

One time, I waited outside

a woman's house for five days

just to show her

how serious I was

about wanting to drill her.

Turns out

it was the wrong house.

She loved the story, anyway.

We got to third base.

Over the pants.

That's so cute.

Yeah, super cute.

Wow.

Right?

Do you want a Rémy Martin?

Probably good.

Okay, I'll get you one.

Two Rémy Martins! Here we go!

You can have my Rémy Martin

for your birthday.

I thought she liked me.

I guess

I'm super bad at

picking up signals.

That Ralph Macchio

guy is a total douche.

Did I give you a bottle cap?

Excuse me, did I give

you a bottle cap?

What?

Did I give any of you

guys a bottle cap?

You sure?

Who the did I

give a bottle cap to?

This party sucks.

Let's get out of here.

It's my birthday party.

It is?

Yes.

I'm sorry, boo.

I'm not saying we're the

best band in the universe,

but we are,

I would say, honestly,

the best band in the world.

I should write

an article about you,

another article about you.

Yeah. Okay. Hey,

can I buy you a drink?

Sure.

Yeah?

Do you have a tab

I could put it on?

Wait, how old are you?

Twenty-five.

Mark Brendanawicz. Hey.

What's 25 divided

by two, plus seven?

Nineteen and a half.

I'm older than that.

We're good to go.

Hey, this my dear

friend Mark Brendanawicz.

We've actually met.

Yeah. You guys

totally slept together.

I'll take that drink.

So, you're with Andy now?

No, it makes sense.

It's been a great week.

You know what's thirsty?

What?

You know what's weird?

How thirsty I get

when I'm weird.

When I'm drunk.

Ben, the jerk, is here.

Who are?

That one.

The one coming over here.

Get ready.

Okay, Leslie,

be professional.

Hi.

Hello, Ben.

Look, I kind of feel like

we got off on the wrong foot.

So I just wanted to

stop by and...

Yeah. Well, save

your breath. Okay?

Just get out of here.

Because this is

a party with my friends,

and you're trying

to fire all my friends.

I...

Plus, I just talked

to everybody in this bar,

and nobody wants you here.

That must've taken a while.

Yeah, it did.

You're a cold,

callous person,

and you wanna kill

people with machetes.

And Ann is right.

I should

just make my own plan

so that you can't hurt us.

And that's

what I'm gonna do.

Okay. Then I'll

just see you tomorrow.

Sorry to bother you.

Get out of here.

Leslie?

That was

so professional.

I'm so proud of you.

Thank you.

You have to help me.

Ow.

I know. Me, too.

But you have to help me.

I think

I may have made out

with someone last night.

Oh, no. Who?

I don't remember. I don't

even know if it happened.

I just had this feeling

when I woke up this morning

like I definitely

kissed somebody.

No.

Hey, Ann.

Wow, that was

a crazy night

last night.

Yeah, crazy.

I mean, I left at 11:15, and

you were still raging

pretty hard.

I was. I was.

Good.

Yeah.

So it's not Jerry.

Help me.

I'll keep my

ear to the ground.

Knope! My office!

That's loud.

Why the yelling?

Have a good night last night?

Not really.

Did you enjoy your second

loud conversation with Ben?

The state auditor who holds

your very fate in his hands

like a tiny bird.

You know what?

He deserved it.

He's cold and unfeeling

and I yelled at him.

So what?

Believe me, I want this

government cut to the bone.

But I can't have you

getting yourself fired

because then

I'll have to do stuff.

Go apologize.

No! I don't have

anything to apologize for.

All I did was express myself.

Forcefully. Drunkenly.

And I spit

on him a little bit.

Okay, I'll go apologize.

Leslie, Leslie.

Welcome, welcome, welcome.

Wow. You have

a lot of bottles there.

Yeah. Would you

like a vitamin? B-12?

Evening primrose oil?

Willow bark? Magnesium?

No, thank you.

You sure?

Really good for hangovers.

Okay, I'll take one.

I take care of my

body above all else.

Diet, exercise,

supplements, and

positive thinking.

Scientists

believe that the

first human being

who will live 150 years

has already been born.

I believe I am

that human being.

So what brings

you here so early?

I'm here to speak to Ben,

actually.

Great. I'm gonna listen to

some ocean sounds and do

some chin-ups.

So I'd like to

apologize for yesterday.

Don't worry about it.

No, what I did was

out of line. Twice.

And I was worked up,

because

obviously, you represent

a threat to my department.

Your City Council and your

Mayor are the threats to

your department.

We didn't do anything to get

you into this situation, okay?

Okay. Look, Ben,

I don't appreciate

your callous attitude, okay?

Really?

Yeah, really.

Okay.

You may hold my fate

in your hands like

a small bird,

but I still think

you're an ass.

You want to get a beer?

It's like 10:30

in the morning.

Yeah.

And you seem like

you could use a beer.

Let's get a beer.

Well...

Oh, oh, oh.

Don't keep him too long.

I need someone to be here

when I take my multivitamin.

There's a choking hazard.

Okay, can we go?

Oh, my God.

You don't remember anything

that happened last night,

do you?

No.

Wow.

For once,

it's Ann who blacked

out drunk and not Andy.

Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

That's really dangerous.

Please tell me.

This is going to be so fun

letting you dangle

until I finally reveal

that we did not make out.

Oh.

Damn it.

Good. See you.

All right.

Hey, I need to settle

my bill from last night.

Tom Haverford.

Okay.

Wow. You had

47 drinks last night?

Ten cosmos,

eight Smirnoff Ices,

and everything else starts

with the word pomegranate.

Was it your

bachelorette party?

No, I invited a bunch

of girls here last night,

and they all put

drinks on my tab.

And then I went home alone.

I'm not sure what happened.

You invited

a bunch of girls here,

and then you tried

to hit on all of them.

Fair enough.

I mean,

what were you expecting

was gonna happen, a 43-way?

That would have been

a little out of control.

But awesome.

Yeah, the problem is

I only have 15 penises, so...

There would

have been 28 girls that

were really upset with me.

Yeah.

All right, well, thanks.

Hey, would you wanna

get a drink tomorrow night?

Does it have to be here?

No.

Then, sure. I'm Lucy.

Let me give you my

phone number.

So, I don't know

what you were thinking.

Just now? Nothing.

Well, I had

a great time last night.

So, are you free

this weekend?

Shauna, look,

I think you are

a super cute person.

And your newspaper

articles are so cool

and they're

probably very accurate.

But I don't think

that we should go

out romantically.

Why not?

Well, honestly,

because there's

already a girl

that I like.

And we kind of have

a long back story,

a history.

And I like her.

Okay. Well, good luck.

I can't even land

the shoeshine guy.

Wow, that tastes really good.

How's your head?

Mushy.

I'm sorry that I yelled

at you. All three times.

But I don't think you know

anything about my department.

Have you ever been part

of a government body before?

I have, yeah.

Small town called

Partridge, Minnesota.

Why does that sound familiar?

You're Benji Wyatt?

I am.

When I was 18,

I ran for mayor

of my small town.

And won.

A little bit of

anti-establishment

voter rebellion, I guess.

Here's the thing, though,

about 18 year-olds.

They're idiots.

So I pretty

much ran the place

into the ground

after two months

and got impeached.

The worst part was

my parents grounded me.

Oh, my God.

You were so cute.

Well, thank you.

What was

that song you played at

the swearing-in ceremony?

Whoomp!.

Yes.

That's what it was. Yeah.

God, I was so jealous of you.

You shouldn't have been.

I mean, it ended up

kind of ruining my life.

And now,

I'm balancing budgets

so I can show people

I'm responsible.

So I can run for

office again someday

and not be laughed at,

you know.

I mean,

you want to run for

office someday, right?

Yeah. How did you know?

Well,

you have to be able to make

decisions like this, Leslie.

You have to be harsh,

you know?

No one's going to

elect you to do anything

if you don't

show that you're

a responsible grown-up.

Yeah.

Oh, no. Please,

Mr. Mayor, let me.

Whoomp there it is

Okay.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Everything okay?

Hmm?

Mmm.

No.

You ready?

Yeah.

Hey, Ron,

did we make

out last night?

Good God, woman. No.

Okay. Well, that's it.

That's all the men

that I know.

You guys just knocked it

completely out of the park.

And I appreciate it,

and we will see you later.

Hey, Ann Perkins.

Hey.

Hey, well...

April's party?

Yeah. Hey, man.

How's it going?

Hi.

Hey.

Yeah, Tom.

Hey. Come here.

There's no reason

not to love him,

but I didn't.

Highway to the Danger Zone

I've called you a cab.

You know, I just...

Okay, let's get you

in the cab. Come on.

Boo.

Fancy this.

Listen,

I have meetings all day,

but I'd love to chat with you.

Can I call you?

You have my phone number?

No, you couldn't

remember your phone number,

but you gave me your phone.

Terrific. That's great.

We'll talk later.

Okay.

Danger zone

Come on, guys.

We'll talk later. Yeah.

We should

have a meeting, too,

about things that happen...

This suggested plan reduces

our overall budget by 35%.

And it contains

very practical, deep

cuts in many of our services.

Wow, Leslie.

This is amazing.

But it's moot.

Why?

Our investigation

has revealed

that things in Pawnee

are much worse than

we anticipated.

Meaning what?

Well, effective

tomorrow morning,

the entire

government will be shut

down until further notice.

I'm sorry. I just

started hearing really

loud circus music in my head.

What did you say?

November,

you're so beautiful

November, you're so serene

Walk among your clouds and see

That you and me

were meant to be

November,

your bangs are cute

November,

your voice is a flute

November, let's

pretend the sky

is for us

Let's spread our

wings and fly

on a date

I want to go on

a date with you, November

That song is about April.