Original subtitles

Hi, there.

What's going on here?

Puppy!

A puppy is here!

Can we keep him?

My neighbor's

dog had a litter.

They're looking

for people to adopt.

I love him.

I wish he had

tiny puppy shoes.

I would totally shine

his little shoes for free.

I do say

the cutest stuff.

Look, I love a good dog

as much as the next guy,

but this building

doesn't allow animals.

Andy,

take him outside.

What, and shoot him?

No. Just keep

him outside.

Oh, come on, Ron.

I'm just a little puppy.

I ain't done nothing wrong.

I'm just a puppy.

I like your mustache.

I wish I could have one.

But I can't.

Because I'm just

a little puppy.

Okay, take him out

and shoot him.

Fire! Fire! Fire!

What? Where?

In my belly.

Because the 24-hour

Pawnee Cares

Diabetes Telethon

starts tonight.

Goody.

Let us know

how it went.

Every year, Pawnee Cares

teams up with the local

cable access station

to raise money for

diabetes research.

And it's important, because

Pawnee is the fourth-fattest

town in the U.S.

It goes us, Dallas, Tulsa

and certain parts of

The Mall of America.

Well, this year,

I get to program my

own four-hour block.

I know. Exciting!

So, I have signed you

all up for multiple shifts.

Yes, just to answer phones

and provide moral support.

From when to when?

Tonight.

From 2:00 a.m.

to 6:00 a.m.

What?

No. Leslie, please.

Tonight's kind of

a big night.

You know, all my

kids are away, and...

Gross! No!

It's Jerry's sex night.

That ruins sex and tonight.

Why don't you put on

one of these T-shirts?

It will get you in the mood.

I stayed up all night

last night making these.

You stayed up

all night the night before

an all-night telethon.

Yes. And here's why. Boom.

"Diabetes.

Let's Dia-beat-this."

Yeah. Four hours

to come up

with the slogan.

Four hours

to embroider them.

Time well spent.

Salad sucks.

There. I said it.

Feel better?

Yep.

I've been doing

some thinking.

I'm not going to ask

Ann to move in with me.

Why? Is something wrong?

No. I'm going to

ask her to marry me.

I love her.

And I want a partner.

Horseback.

You should ask

her on horseback.

What?

No, you should ask her

in a hot air balloon.

No. She should be on

the hot air balloon,

and you should

ride up on horseback.

Oh. Wait. She's in

the balloon, you ride

up on horseback,

you point to the sky,

up there, skywriting,

"Marry me, Ann."

I think I can figure out

the right way to ask her.

How you ask someone

to marry you is

a very big deal.

I mean, they have to

repeat that story for

the rest of their lives.

So, you think

I should do it, though.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

yeah, yeah.

Definitely.

Can you get five eagles?

No, get ten eagles.

Leslie.

No, you're right.

It's your life.

Get as many

eagles as you want.

So, Tom, you're in

for tonight, right?

I forgot to tell you.

I can't make it

to the telethon tonight,

because I have no

interest in being there.

Okay. You're in charge

of the VIP special

telethon guest.

You're never going

to believe who I got.

People are going

to freak out.

Rihanna.

No.

Dr. Oz.

Nope.

You're never

going to guess.

Justin Bieber.

No. Ex-Indiana

Pacers small forward,

Detlef Schrempf.

The Detlef Schrempf?

I know!

So, it's really exciting.

Wow.

And I need you

to be his body-man.

Pick him up

at the airport

at 7:00 p.m.

And then, you know,

just entertain him.

Because he doesn't

need to be in hair

and makeup until 2:00 a.m.

Does Pawnee Cable

Access even have

hair and makeup?

Well, they have

a communal lipstick

and a box of combs.

As a nurse and as your

friend, I highly suggest

you don't try to stay up

for the next 24 hours.

I can definitely do it.

I've already been up

for 24 hours. But I

have a secret weapon.

NutriYum bars?

Leslie.

I know, I know.

They're terrible.

But they give me

an insane 15-minute burst.

Plus, my nana

used to tell me,

"You'll sleep

when you're dead."

My nana, she used

to say the best stuff.

"Don't work yourself

into a lather."

"Look where it is

and you'll find it."

"Don't put me in a home."

"Tell the truth

and shame the devil."

"The devil knows

where you're hiding."

"If you take enough rides

with the devil, pretty soon,

he's going to drive."

She was really

into the devil.

I have not checked in

with you lately.

I'm randomly

and casually asking.

How are things

going with Mark?

Things are good.

Do you think

he's the one?

The one?

I don't know. Maybe.

Good.

I'm here.

What do I have to do?

I have you on

phone-answering duty

from 4:00 to 6:00 a.m.

That's horrible.

I have to nap up.

If I don't get a solid

five, it kills my

sunny disposition.

Got enough leg

room back there?

Yeah. Yeah, you don't

have to sit so far up.

Yeah, I do.

So, Detlef Schrempf.

Three-time NBA All-Star,

two-time Sixth Man Award

winner.

It must have been

pretty cool to be traded

to the Pacers in exchange

for veteran center

Herb Williams.

So, you looked me up

on Wikipedia, huh?

No. Everybody

knows that.

Just like everybody

knows you appeared

in two episodes of

the German soap opera

Gute Zeiten

Schlechte Zeiten.

What, you a big fan

of that show?

Huge fan.

Huh? Oh, 6'10".

I'm 5'6"

and three quarters.

All right, team,

you guys psyched?

Just remember,

all you need to do is

take down everybody's

name and address

and ask them how much

they want to donate.

Hey, do these

phones dial out?

Yes. Why?

No reason.

Leslie, you know what?

My phone has 25 lines.

I think it might

be a switchboard.

Congratulations, then.

You got the most lines.

Figure it out, Jerry.

Come on, Jerry.

Everyone else

has one line.

Oh! So, Leslie, I hear

you're going to be in front

of the camera this year.

Yeah. It's exciting.

Cut the chatter.

Tele-hosting?

Not as easy

as it looks. Okay?

This isn't C-SPAN.

This is Local Access 46.

Don't blow it.

Good evening and welcome

to the tenth annual

Pawnee Cares

Diabetes Telethon.

I'm Pawnee Today's

Joan Callamezzo.

And I am not a crook.

No, he's not.

What time is it?

I'm tired already.

It's 8:03.

Your shift doesn't start

for another six hours.

Diabetes. Yuck.

Tonight, we're hoping

the people of Pawnee

dig their big, chubby hands

into their plus-size pockets

and donate generously.

Weird, wacky stuff.

Stop it.

Coming up,

a very special video

presentation called

Even My Tongue is Fat:

The Story of Pawnee.

But right now, to begin with,

let's start things off in our

telethon with a song.

From Pawnee's most

bookable personality,

Denise Yermley!

Sweet dreams

are made of this

No one cares. Hello, hello.

Here you go. Right up there.

Hello? Hey, there.

Good morning.

Who's next?

I feel great.

Everything is

running smoothly.

Some of them

want to use you

Clipboard mouth.

There's some secret ingredient

in these NutriYum bars

that makes me feel so good.

Sugar.

It's a block of sugar.

Leslie? Leslie.

Tigers.

Hey, you told me to

wake you up at 1:45.

Yep.

It's 1:45 now.

I'm up.

I need to pull it together.

My slot is coming up.

Hey, before you go on,

can I just talk to you

about something?

Wait a minute. Sorry.

It's Tom. He may have

a Schrempf problem.

Okay.

You understand that,

right?

I do. Take it.

T.B. continued, Ann.

I promise.

We'll talk later.

Yes.

Okay.

Hey! Hi.

Are you on your way?

The Snakehole

is booming!

People are loving

Detlef Schrempf.

I had no idea

professional athletes

were so popular.

That's awesome.

But you promised

to get him here.

Get him here.

Don't worry.

We're leaving soon,

all right? Bye!

Oh, you can't leave. Tommy,

this is the most business

the club's done in months.

But I've got to get

him to the telethon.

He's not going anywhere.

Okay.

Oh, God. Problem.

Andy, I know I told you

that you were going

on at 3:00 a.m.

after the Detlef Schrempf

interview

and career retrospective,

but you're going on now.

You're kicking things off.

Whoa!

Sweet. Headlining.

Yeah. At 2:00 a.m.

On Cable Access.

Yeah. Let's go.

So, how are things

going with you two?

They're going really well.

We're going to get married

and I'm pregnant

with his child.

Thank you, Joan.

There are two types

of diabetes, but only

one type of caring.

Type One caring.

And tonight, God willing,

we will all be

stricken with that.

There's a lot of

fun stuff coming up.

Indiana Pacers legend,

Detlef Schrempf,

will be joining us

in the studio later on.

But until then,

I would like to introduce

one of the hottest

bands in Pawnee.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I give you Mouse Rat.

I know that life is crazy

Well, okay. Slight hiccup.

But we're back on track.

See that board?

When my shift is done,

that board is going to

read $20,000.

Pawnee Cares.

Hi. Yes, I'd like to

donate $50, please.

Mmm-hmm. Leslie?

You've got sex hair You got

it from me, girl. Sex hair

God, we're not getting

any donations coming in.

I'm tired of waiting

for people to call us.

Let's call them.

Everybody call somebody.

Leslie,

it's the middle

of the night.

Then, good.

They'll be home.

Donna, someone good?

No, I'm talking to

my brother, George.

You're not supposed

to receive personal

phone calls.

Oh, I called him.

He's in Liberia

visiting my uncle.

He wants to know

what happened on Lost.

Oh, thank God.

Here you go.

Thank you.

I have no idea.

Did you put

cream in this?

Uh, yeah.

Did I screw up?

No, I can drink it.

You sure?

Guys, has anyone

seen Tom?

The ultimate celebrity,

I think,

to hang out with

for a night would be

Criss Angel.

You'd be talking to him,

and then, he would

just turn into fire.

Brooks Brothers Boys

is like, the cuts are

slimmer and it's cheaper.

Win-win.

Do you ever talk to someone

and you're just like,

"Oh. We're going to be

best friends"?

I'm getting that, right now.

He had two beers.

Light beers.

I need you

to make that out,

"To Wendy.

Tom is an amazing guy.

"You never should

have left him.

"You made a huge

mistake in your life,

"and you're probably

going to die alone.

Love, Detlef."

Do you know what,

I think we should be

heading to that telethon.

Yes, we will definitely

go to the telethon soon.

After this song!

Hopped up out the bed

Turn my swag on

Took a look in the mirror,

said, "What's up?"

Ron? Ron. Wake up.

Ron, wake up. It's Leslie.

Oh, God! Were you

having a bad dream?

No. I suffer from

a disorder called

sleep fighting.

That must be terrible.

Only when I'm losing.

Look,

I'm freaking out, okay?

Tom is not here,

and he's got

Detlef Schrempf.

And I have

three hours to fill.

I'm sure you'll

figure something out.

Don't go back to sleep.

Okay? I need you to wake up.

Ron? Come on.

Help me.

Attaboy.

I am only here

because I owe Leslie

a thousand favors.

I'm not big on charities.

Give a man a fish,

and you feed him for a day.

Don't teach a man to fish,

and you feed yourself.

He's a grown man.

Fishing is not that hard.

Okay, that was

the national anthem

of Canada.

And now, I'm going

to see how long

I can hold a D chord.

April, will you call

some of the Rec Center

teachers

and see if they want to

come down and show off

their special skills?

Yes. Nod your head yes.

I can do magic.

Egg, my lady?

Jerry,

that's disgusting

and fake!

Oh, my God. It's real.

Go up there and do that.

You broke my egg.

You don't have

a second egg?

No, but I'm a very

good piano player.

I'd be happy to go up there

and give it a shot.

Why are you

wasting my time?

This is really serious!

You go keep

your eye out for Tom.

I've got this covered.

When re-caning

an old chair,

one needs to make sure

that one has all the right

elements in place.

Over. Under.

And you guessed it.

Over.

God, he's actually

losing money.

Over. Under. This chair

is almost caning itself.

No. Sir, if you want

to make a donation,

you have to... Yeah.

That sounds really cool.

You sound cool.

You sound really strong.

Hey, why don't you

forget about the donation

and just come down here

and meet me in person.

What?

Oh, my God.

You're so funny.

You're funny. Bye.

Hey.

Funny girl you

were talking to?

When it comes to

preparing taxes...

Oh, my God.

This is a disaster.

The only thing that's

taxing is deciding

which software to buy.

I am

completely screwed.

I have no Schrempf,

no backup plan,

no more NutriYum bars.

What do people

want to watch?

Cute animals on a bike?

No time to train one.

Hot people kissing?

I don't know.

Maybe Mark

and Ann would...

Have you ever seen

this man sleep?

It's like underwater ballet.

I have a great idea.

What's that?

I think you should

propose to Ann tonight.

Today. Whatever it is.

On camera. For diabetes.

Really?

Yes. It would be so cool.

Don't you remember

when Ahmad Rashad

proposed to Mrs. Cosby on TV?

No.

I do.

Most women do.

On television, though?

Yes, but...

Oh, my God!

We talked about it

being something big.

Right.

And I don't think we can

get a hot air balloon

at this time of night.

I have my grandma's ring.

I guess I could

go home and get it.

Is there a story

behind it? Was she on

the Titanic?

Was she on the Titanic?

No. She was

just my grandma.

It would make a great story.

I trust Leslie. I don't know.

What do you think

I should do?

And that

concludes a quick look

at QuickBooks Pro.

Quick Books.

Okay. Thank you so much,

Barney, for that.

Thank you. Go.

We'd like to make

a quick announcement.

Detlef Schrempf is

temporarily delayed.

But coming soon,

a really amazing

thing is going to happen.

So, get your wallets out

or get your handkerchiefs out.

Or get your tissues out,

if you're like me

and think

handkerchiefs

are gross.

For now, please,

let's take a look at this

moving video entitled,

One Butt, Two Seats:

The Widening of America.

No. Ann. Wait. Ann, Ann!

Where are you going?

Just stay

a little while longer.

Leslie, I'm so beat.

I'm so sorry that

I've been crazy.

What did you want

to talk to me about?

No worries. It can wait.

No, no. What is it?

I think I need to

break up with Mark.

I've just been feeling

for a while like

something's missing.

And I kept thinking

about the question

you asked me today,

about whether or not

he's the one. And he's not.

Mark really loves you.

I think he's ready to

take this to the next step.

He doesn't know

what he's ready for.

But I think I do.

I guess you're just going

to have to marry him

and figure it out.

No.

No. No.

Why would you do that?

No, no.

No. No.

Good for you, Ann.

Hey, Mark. It's Leslie.

Change of plans.

Can you call me back?

Tom, get here now.

Call me. Bye.

Hey, Leslie. It's Leslie.

Hang in there.

I love you. Bye.

Please be April. April?

Yeah?

It's Joe from the phone.

I made you laugh.

You said come down.

Listen, my van's

out back. Let's roll.

No. Please leave.

Where are you going?

Hey. What's up?

Is this guy

bothering you?

No, I'm bothering you.

For bothering her.

Are you her

bodyguard? I mean,

she's an adult.

I think she can decide

on her own what train

she wants to ride.

It's time to go.

Whatever, man.

I work for the

Sewage Department.

I'm up to my waist

in hot snizz.

Take a walk.

Bye-bye.

Okay.

Heads. Oh, boy.

What is going

to happen next?

Okay. My second

favorite episode?

Monica is making dinner,

and Joey is mad

at Chandler because Chandler

made out with his girlfriend.

So, Joey says,

"Get in the box."

I forgot to tell you.

There's a box.

And it's Thanksgiving Day.

So, they get ready to eat.

What is Ross

and Rachel doing?

They're fighting.

So, Ross, Rachel,

Joey, Chandler, Monica,

and Phoebe are all together.

Although, is Phoebe there?

Yes. So...

I will now drink

eight glasses of milk

in three minutes.

No. No, you won't.

No, you won't.

Because

if you do that,

you will die.

Oh!

Okay. All right. Okay.

Enough of that racket.

Well, Pawnee.

It's almost 6:00

in the morning.

And, we need to keep

those donations coming in.

I know we promised

a special event coming up,

and...

Leslie.

No.

Should I come up now?

No. No.

No. What we're going

to do is we're going

to pull our pants down.

That's what

we're going to do.

Everyone's gonna

pull their pants

down for diabetes.

Okay? On one, two...

Got my swag on

Took a look in the mirror,

said, "What's up?"

Detlef, are you sure

you don't want me to drive?

I'm good to drive.

You want to come up

and play video games?

Whoa! Pull over, man.

That place has good chicken.

I'm hungry.

You just love flashing

your ass, don't you?

When it's for

a good cause, Joan.

What's up!

Hey, look who's here.

Wake up, Pawnee!

Tommy Timberlake

is in the house!

And you know

who else is with me?

Detlef Schrempf!

Tell them what

they won, son!

All right. Thanks, Tom.

Well, on behalf of

the Detlef Schrempf

Foundation,

I would like to present

this check for $5,000

for diabetes research.

Oh, man! Yeah.

Thank you very much. Wow.

Wow. Big man,

big check.

By the way, I'm drunk.

And if anybody out there...

I don't understand.

What happened?

I'm sorry.

I think I was a little

tired when I told you

that you should do that.

I don't think that

that's something Ann wants.

Not on TV.

So, that's why

you pulled your

pants down.

Yeah.

Wait, what did I do?

It's 6:04 a.m.

and I'm Perd Hapley of

Channel 4 Eyewitness News.

And the story of

this next dance is that

it's called The Worm.

Good morning, Knope.

Morning, Ron.

Everything

running smoothly?

You know, I'm happy

to go back out there,

demonstrate more

of my skills.

How to start a fire

without matches.

How to build

a cribbage board.

No, I'm okay. Thanks.

Get some sleep.

Aye-aye, Captain.

What the

are you doing,

Perd Hapley?

Hey.

Leslie?

What are you doing here?

Why aren't you sleeping?

I just... I thought maybe

you'd want to talk more

about all the crazy

stuff going on.

I do. I really do.

Thanks.

Yeah.

I've just got to tell you,

I'm a little tired.

Okay.

So, I may have parked

on your front lawn.

You did.

I did.

Oh!

Yeah.

It's... Just come in

before anybody...

Leslie and I had

an amazing talk.

It was so great of her

to come over here.

Even though

she was exhausted

beyond belief.

Anyway, after we talked,

she fell asleep on my couch.

And she's been

asleep for

twenty-two hours.

It's amazing what

she slept through.

No way.

At one point,

I thought she was up...

Hold on. Hi.

Hey.

...but then, she went

right back to sleep.

I've been monitoring

her vital signs.

She's totally fine.

I love her so much.

But I think I'm going to draw

a mustache on her face.