Original subtitles

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad... ♪

♪ Mad world ♪

♪ In France the girls wear scanties ♪

♪ But on lamb chops they put panties ♪

♪ I'm telling you it's a mad ♪

♪ Mad, mad, mad world ♪

♪ A Japanese named Luey ♪

♪ Says the Chinese hate chop suey ♪

♪ Without a doubt it's a mad ♪

♪ Mad, mad, mad world ♪

♪ The only thing you are sure of ♪

♪ Is that nothing is sure ♪

♪ Have a ball Live it up ♪

♪ Only fools give it up ♪

♪ Toujours the amour, but toujours ♪

♪ So be a happy gaffer ♪

♪ Be a screamer Be a laugher ♪

♪ Let boys be gay and say, "What the hey?" ♪

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world ♪

♪ My dear old Uncle Herman ♪

♪ Says that French toast should be German ♪

♪ Jawohl That's right ♪

♪ It's a mad, mad ♪

♪ Mad, mad world ♪

♪ I know it may sound jerky ♪

♪ But in Turkey who eats turkey? ♪

♪ Yes, yes, confess, it's a mad ♪

♪ Mad, mad, mad world ♪

♪ Our traffic is so congested ♪

♪ Mass confusion on wheels ♪

♪ But Detroit is adroit What they'll do in Detroit ♪

♪ Is make bigger automobiles ♪

♪ So be a happy fellow ♪

♪ Be a clown, boy, Punchinello ♪

♪ Get off the shelf and enjoy yourself ♪

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad, mad ♪

♪ It's a mad It's a mad ♪

♪ World! ♪

♪ It's a mad, mad, mad... ♪

Whoa! Hey, did-did you see it, the way he went sailing right out there?

He just went sailing out there.

It was terrible. I... I mean, just help him. He must have been doing over 80.

An ambulance... We've better... We ought to call an ambulance.

Oh, look at that car! He must have gone by you doing 90 miles an hour.

- He was passing me! - I never saw such a crazy thing in my life!

- Let's get down there. - Let's go.

- We're going down there. You stay in the car! - Russell, be careful. Remember your condition!

Boy, the way he just sailed out there...

Look out, look out, look out!

There's nobody in the car!

- He's right, there is nobody... - What do you mean "there is nobody"?

- There he is! - Uh-huh! - Holy smoke!

Hey, how about that?

This guy is still alive, I tell ya! He's still alive.

Maybe we ought to call an ambulance for him, right away?!

How he's survived that, poor old lad, the way he went sailing right out there!

Look, I'm not a doctor, anything... but I have some medical experience.

I'm a dentist.

Do you think you're hurt... real bad?

Is he kidding?

Now just hold on, mister, we're gonna get you to a hospital.

You move me... I'll break up in little pieces.

But what a deal.

Look, there's this dough, see?

There's all this dough: 350 Gs!

Do you hear what I'm sayin'?

350 Gs!

In the park, in Rosita, Rosita Beach State Park.

Just south of Dago in Santa Rosita.

It's in this box. Buried under this...

...buried under this Big W.

You'll see it.

You'll see it under this... under this Big W.

You can't miss it, a big... a Big W.

And it's been there... And it's been laying there for 15 years.

- He's very sick. - He may die.

Listen. I tell you, I'm giving it to you!

And don't let them kid you. Don't let them kid you...

Don't let them give you the business, see, because it was mine and I paid for it!

Paid for every lousy buck of it, you hear!

But watch out. Watch out for the bulls!

Lousy, stinking bulls are everywhere!

Bulls all over the place.

You just drive down and dig it up.

Dig it all up!

And then... and then you fix yourselves all up.

Fix yourselves all up. Walk down the street like a king!

Back to the old neighborhood, see the fellas...

the dames... the dames, all with a big hello...

...a big hello for ol' Smiler.

Good old Smiler...

...everybody's friend...

...everybody's...

- Aunt Belle, I didn't mean to do it! - Holy mackerel! Take it easy, mister.

Please, please say it don't make any difference, Aunt Belle!

Please! You got to say...

You got to tell me it don't make any difference!

- For heaven's sake, tell him. - It... It don't make any difference.

That guy's dead. You'd better believe it.

I believe it, all right.

But if he jumps up again like he did before, I'm gonna get the hell outta here.

- Boy, what a routine he went through. - So some- somebody ought to cover him up.

What are you looking at me for, pal? All I got is this sweater.

Ah, never mind. I got a blanket up there in the truck.

Tell me something, d'you think there was anything in all that, I mean, you know, what he was telling?

He was just raving, man. He flipped.

Hey. This mu-- this must be the police.

You think we ought to tell them about what he was talking about? What he was...

We just saying, don't say anything, 'cause they'll ask questions and we'll be in here all day.

We can't afford to be here all day. We got to be in Vegas this afternoon.

Oh, I got a van of furniture. I got to get to Yuma.

My wife and I, we are on our second honeymoon you know. I know where we...

My wife's up there with her mother. We're on our way to Lake Mead.

Oh, what's all to argue about? You just clam up. Say he don't say nothing.

And this way, we get out of here.

- Buck, you a police officer? - Aye.

Yep!!

- How long ago did this happen? - About... five minutes ago?

Um... a few minutes ago, about five minutes ago, officer.

- Anybody see it? Actually see it happen? - Well, um...

- He passed me on the curve, you know, when he met the... - Did anybody actually see it?

Well, he was passing me when he... sailed right out there.

- Right over there, up there. - Who was the first down to him?

Well, we all went down. [indistinct chatter]

Was he dead?

Was he already dead?

I said, "Was he already dead when you got down here?!"

Practically.

He was still alive. Did he say anything?

- I said, did he say anything before he died? - What about?

What do you mean, "what about?"!

Did he say anything or didn't he say anything?

Well...

...he... eh...

- He was raving, Officer, that's what... - Raving? What about raving?

Yeah, well, he said... what he said was sort of, um...

- ...it was sort of... - Embarrassing.

What was? What was? Come on, come on!

He thought that this fellow was his aunt.

- His aunt? - Yeah, his-- his Aunt Belle.

Yeah, that's right, he must have had an aunt named Aunt Belle.

All right!

Did he make any kind of statement? Any last messages? Anything like that?

He wanted... he wanted this fella to tell him it didn't make no difference.

What?

Why you?

- 'Cause he thought he was his aunt. - His Aunt Belle.

That's why.

But was it he wanted you to say it didn't make any difference?

Officer, he didn't make that clear. At all. He didn't make it clear.

No, he didn't make anything clear. Look, officer, can we get going?

Just a minute, just a minute. Just a minute.

I gotta get your names and where you can be reached, just in case.

Look, my wife and I, we're on our second honeymoon. We don't know where we'll be...

We can't stick around for that, officer, because we're due in Las Vegas

and we don't know how-- how long... how long we gonna stay there.

Look, I got this van of furniture, mister, and I got to get to Yuma before I get back to my...

Be reasonable, officer. We stopped off to see if we could help the guy, we couldn't help,

- we was too late. So let us get out of here, okay? - Let us go!

We'll hold services for him later. Like we got our lives to live,

- like we ain't had breakfast yet, you know what I mean? - All right, all right...

I wanna have to get your name, anyway.

Hold it.

Me?

Wh-why?

Just in case the coroner or somebody wants a statement.

It is... J. Russell Finch, 2790 Penrose Boulevard, Fresno.

But I won't be home for a couple of weeks but you can get me through my office.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Where is that?

- What'd you say, sir? - Where is your office?

Oh, the-the office? Pacific Edible Seaweed Company,

and it's-it's-in... it's in Fresno.

- But you can call me through my secretary. - Ambulance is on its way.

Yeah, the ambulance is on its way.

- Is he dead? - Yeah.

Listen, we'd better shift those cars up there. They're on the curb.

Well, I guess that's about all we can get from this group.

Thank you. Thank you, gentlemen.

Thanks.

Well...

...there's an unexpected twist for you.

They're not going to like this down at Santa Rosita.

- Culpepper's gonna scream. - Yeah...

- Sir, we better get our story straight, if we want Culpepper... - What story, what story?

He woke up as usual. He started driving his car.

He stopped a little place for breakfast.

He went into the gents' room, he climbed out the back window. So what?

Not even Culpepper is gonna say we should've been in there with him.

What got me is the way he went s-sailing right out there.

If I have to climb much more o'this, I'll be laying there with him.

Poor soul.

Melville, what happened?

We couldn't do anything for him. Just absolutely nothing we could do. Come on.

Well?!

- It was a terrible thing, terrible thing. - Oh, Russell, I feel sick.

Oh, take it easy, honey. These things happen, you know.

Now, what kind of attitude is that, "these things happen"?!

They only happen, because the whole country is just full of people...

who, when these things happen, they just say, "These things happen."!

- And that's why they happen! - Let's try not to get upset.

Come on, Russell.

We got to have control of what happens to us!

- If we left it up to you, we'd never hear the last of it! - I understand...

- [indistinct] - You're right, you're right.

Do you know what those half-wit morons up in Sacramento do about it?!

They just sit there with their big feet up on their big desk...

and milk 15 million people of as much grand...

- Listen, listen, I- I want to say something.

I- I'm sorry to interrupt, but I-I-I've got to say something.

- What's the matter, Melville, what are you looking at? - Never mind, I'm watching something.

Hey, Benjy. Benjy, turn around, sit still.

- Play it straight. - They're not kiddin' me. They all went for it.

Yeah? So what are you gonna do now, huh?

Now listen, I want you to tell me everything that man told you!

Word for word! And don't leave out anything.

But do you think he really meant it?

Monica, I mean- I mean, I don't know about anybody else, but...

some of them believed it. Like those two back there.

DON'T LOOK over there!

I know where it is. It's under a Big W. That's what he said, it's under a Big W.

Like a 'windmill' or a 'waterfall' or something like that.

Oh, I hope it's not under a waterfall.

Well, just think of something that starts with a W, that's all.

Wealth. Witch.

Let's see. Where.

Work. That's it. Work I got to work on where it is.

And the one thing Dr. Carroll said, he said that Russell was to have

no undue excitement for anytime for at least two weeks, because of his condition.

- Yeah, but I think... - And that's why we came on this little trip,

so Russell could just relax.

- Yeah, but I think that... - You should have told the police.

You keep on saying that! What's the police got to do with it?!

Look, mother, I think the police were chasing the man, they drove up so fast.

Why shouldn't they've been chasing him?! He was speeding!

- Yeah, but I- I- I think... - I'm only thinking of Russell's condition.

You mean his financial condition. Because that's the only condition that he has.

Emily, do you know exactly - why your husband had a nervous breakdown?

It's because he has sunk $ 40,000, including $ 15,000 of my money,

- into a company that makes seaweed for people to eat! - Yeah, but...

And now not only does nobody like it, but it costs over $4 a can!

- Yeah, but... - "Yeah, but", what?!

M- m- most people like it, and I like it.

And I'm working hard, trying to keep the costs down.

Yeah, you were working hard, trying to keep the costs down...

the day you ran out of your office, and stood on the street screaming!

- Mother! - Oh, Emeline, shut up!

- Mother... - And you, too!

Well, maybe-- maybe he was playing some kind of a trick on everybody.

Did you think about that? He might have been a practical joker!

Oy... Monica, really. Practical!

What kind of a man is going to play a practical joke on complete strangers,

with every bone in his body broken? Eww...

- Watch! Watchtower! - No. - Watch...

- Wall... - No.

- Walnut tree! - No, no!

- Walnuts! - No!

- In bags! - NO!

Why are we doing only 35?! Step on it a little! See what happens!

- Mother! - They'll all see what we're doing.

Oh, go ahead and try it. What've you got to lose?

Mother, he's not that good a driver.

Going to leave the big boy behind, eh?

What are you doing, why are we slowing down?!

It's no use. We- we can't lose them this way.

Oh, the inside of my stomach...

What's that idiot in the truck trying to do?

What's he doin' back there?

I bet he's running out of gas! Good!

What happened to you?

- Having trouble with your engine? - Or did you run out of gas?

- What, you bend your tailpipe? - Oh, no. It was just one of my tires.

I thought, um...

Ah, shucks! Okay, so I was trying to... Oh, rats.

Look, this whole thing... I- I think we're making a very big mistake.

- I absolutely agree. - So?

So, I think we're just being a little silly, running around like this.

- Sure. We're getting nowhere. - By George, he's right.

So, why don't we do something sensible. Why don't we just discuss this thing,

- and-and reason something out? - I'm with you, I'm with you.

All right, now we can come to some conclusion, like intelligent people.

Hey yeah, let's do that, um, what he said.

Yeah. Yeah. Well, that way nobody will have an advantage on one another, right?

- It's fair. - Yeah.

- Right. - We'd better get the cars off that curve.

Yeah, let's-let's not talk here, on the road. Let's go over there, there's plenty o'room, okay?

- Okay. - Fine, see you over there.

- Yeah, right. Over there. - Over there...

You're through to Homicide.

Santa Rosita Police Station...

Detective Division.

I'm connecting you now. Santa Rosita Police Station.

Detective Division, Matthews.

No, Sheriff, the Chief isn't here. He's a little late this morning.

So I'll stay late after school. Who is it?

- Sheriff, Crockett County. - Who?

That's where the Smiler is! I wonder if anything happened.

Gertie, will you put that call through here?

How about a little coffee, Schwartz?

Hello, Sheriff! Culpepper.

What'd he do, make a break? What happened?

Afraid we've got some bad news for you.

- Grogan's cashed in his chips. - He what?

Crashed his car about 20 minutes ago.

Now he was making a break, all right.

Well... how did it happen? Where did it happen?

On... 39, about 18 miles east of Danby Junction and...

- ...nine miles west of Valley Center. - Were there any witnesses?

A few people went down to see if they could help.

- Was he killed outright? - I don't know, but I can find out.

Yeah, do that. Will you see what they said?

Thanks very much, Sheriff.

Well...

A great way to start the day.

You wait for 15 years to solve a really important case,

and just when you get... yeah, well!

It's all right, Chief. I'll get it for you.

He did it again.

Get that fella's number! Get his number!

Get that fella's number! GET HIS NUMBER!!

[on radio] Item: One large furniture van. Item: One red Volkswagen.

That's them. Call it in.

2-1-6-2-2-1-5-8.

Sir, we just made all four of them. Parked alongside the road.

They're just standing there talking. Over.

Sammy, let that ambulance go, and stay by the radio! Got it?

What I'm trying to say is... that, um...

...this man that we were dealing with, may have been some kind of a screwball, you know what I mean?

The man said there was a certain amount of money buried down in this park.

- That's right. Yeah. - Under a Big W.

- Say, what is a 'Big W'? - We find out, we'll send you a wire.

It-it's only a possibility, now, it's only a possibility that this man was telling the truth.

And if it was the truth, then it is a fact that this place is almost 200 miles away.

Now I suggest that we quietly get into our cars...

and drive down there at a safe, sound speed...

...keeping each other in sight of each other.

And well, when we get down there, we dig up the money, providing that there is some money there...

...and well, if we do find it, we share it amongst us in a simple manner.

He's- he's got a point. I think he's got something there.

- And I think, we should go straight to the police. - The police? Why the police?

It's all right, she's with us. Now, what's this "fair shares for everybody"?

Look, ma'am, all I said was: we arrived in four vehicles.

I- I think we should split it up in four quarters.

Four qua... quarters? What are you talking about? Quarters?

You mean you- you three each get a quarter, and Benjy and I have got to split a quarter?

- That's right, that's right. - Hey, what are you trying to pull?

- Well, it seems fair enough to me. - Oy, naturally, it seems fair enough to you.

- It just cheats us, that's all. - $ 350,000 divided by four is, let's say...

...um-um, let's say, 87,500 bucks!

Sure, that's- that's right what it is.

So the three of you would get $ 87,500 and Benjy and I have to split.

Yeah, there was five of us down at the wreck!

- We should split it five ways. - He's right, we should split it five ways.

Well, I'm perfectly willing to discuss it in a five-way manner.

Now we can discuss it in a five-way manner, five shares...

- ...um, each share would be a 70,000...

70,000 bucks?

Holy mackerel! Do you realize how many loads

- I'd have to haul from Modesto to Yuma to get that... - You're overlooking one little thing.

- Yeah, we're overlooking one little... - What little thing?

- Yeah, what little thing? - We can all count, can't we?

- There were eight of us there! - She's right, there were eight of us there.

Well, speaking for my wife and myself, we'd be just as happy with...

You'd be perfectly happy with 2/8, instead of a quarter? That's awfully big of you.

There's nothing to be gained by losing our temp...

You have nothing to gain except 3/8 of 350,000 bucks!

- He's right. It's not fair to him. - YOU SHUT UP!

That's our money you're giving away!

Wait a minute, hold it, hold it. Let's just put it back the way it was before.

Either one quarter...

...for each car, including the van,

- ...or one fifth for each guy. - One quarter, or one fifth...

- Just because this old bag has to stick her... - HOW DARE YOU!!

- Madam. That was entirely unqualified. - You big-stupid looking goon!

Oh, hold it, lady. He called you an old bag...

- So he's sorry that he called you an old bag. - That's right, he's sorry.

- I don't know that I'm so sorry. - Oh, this is unseemly!

- Yeah, it seems unseemly. - We're all just behaving like wild animals.

Wild animals have more dignity!

- Hold it, will you? We're wasting a lot of time. - He's right, we're wasting time.

- Now, look, why don't we start all over, only this time discuss it again intelligently,

the way Melville said it the first place.

Now look, there is no reason why we cannot talk this...

SHUT UP!!

Capt. Culpepper.

Oh, it's the Sheriff on the phone.

See, Chief, I- I took this to the cleaners, they said it's ruined.

Oh, I did get my hands on it. Put it in the back of my car.

- Right, sir. - I'll take it, Sarge.

Alright, alright.

Hello, Sheriff? Culpepper.

Got some news for ya, Captain.

All the people in them four vehicles, they're stopped aside the road,

about 5 miles from where the accident happened.

- All are talking. - What?

Give me the exact position!

Um... about 4 miles from Valley Center, from the crossroad there.

4 miles west... of Valley Center.

- Ah-hah! - Got two of my best men undercover there.

Now look, Sheriff!

Sheriff! Now look at those people.

Under no circumstances must those people know that they're under surveillance!

- Right? - I already took care of that.

Now, wa-- wait a minute!

Got the numbers, comin' in now.

All 4 got California plates.

Put those down!

Blue Chrysler Imperial Convertible.

Number XRD-8-4-5.

Blue Chrysler Imperial Convertible, number XRD -8-4-5

What do you know, this case is not cold, it's wide open!

Hey, Chief! Chief, come in here now, will ya?

Aye! What's new this morning?

...Convertible, number HCK-9-0-4.

- Red Volkswagen convertible, number HCK904. - Well, well.

What is this? A new freeway?

Chief, we got a situation here that is absolutely incredible.

- Now look, Smiler Grogan... You remember him? - Oh, yes.

Smiler Grogan spent the night here, see?

Made his break this morning,

He drove up this way, got to here, where he crashed and killed himself.

But before he died, some people stopped to help him.

And they are now stopped here, talking.

- I think they're arguing about something. - Uh-huh.

And a Crockett County unit has got them under... observation.

You think he told 'em something?

I don't think they stopped to play Shinny, Chief.

Let's all listen to him! I said, right now LISTEN TO HIM!!

- Will you tell us that again, please, what you told us before?

I will try, but this will be the last time.

I'll try and tell ya. Now, my plan is very simple.

Now, we give shares to everybody and for everything.

Now, there were 8... there are 8 of us.

Now, there's 8 shares for that. Then there were 4 vehicles.

Now, if we give 4 shares for that, that's 12 shares already, right?

Then, there were 5 of us who went down to the wreck.

Now, we give 5 shares for that.

So that makes it 17, right?

Now, 17 shares and then we add...

the same number of shares as there were people in each vehicle. Right?

That's 3 for your group, 2 for your group and 2 for us and 1 for you, right?

Now, that adds up to 25 shares.

Now, 25 into 350,000 is $14,000 per share.

Now, figuring like that would mean...

you'd get 3 shares for being 3 people, 1 share for having the car,

1 share for going down and looking at the wreck...

and 3 more shares for being 3 more people in the car,

which would give you a total of 8 shares, giving you $ 112,000.

That should cover everything, including the emancipation of women.

Oh, wait a minute. Let's see now...

As I understand, I got 1 share for being 1 person,

1 share for going down the hill, 1 share for the truck...

and 1 share for being a person in the truck.

But no matter how you figure it out, I still don't get as much as anybody else!

Look, let me explain it once more. You see...

...they, their group, they, those 3 of them, they get $112,000, right?

Those over there, them. They get $97,000.

We. We us, we get $84,000.

And you, by yourself, you get $56,000. Alone,

- and that's tax-free money. - What do you mean, tax-free?

I mean, um, if we go down to this park and we uncover the money and we, um...

have it, I mean, I'm sure he's not gonna declare anything,

I know, I know he's not gonna declare anything...

- and I'm not gonna to declare... - What are you talking about, declare it?

Oh, I mean, it's like non-taxable income, It's like a... like a.. like a gift.

But sure, if we find the money, we still have to report the taxes.

Otherwise, it's like stealing from the government!

- Could you explain it to him, please? - Who, me? Well, um...

Don't you see, if we find the money, there may not be any taxes to pay on it...

just because we did find the money.

- But what he was trying to say is... - Listen, everybody has to pay taxes.

Even businessmen that rob and steal and cheat from people every day,

Even they have to pay taxes.

I give up. Look, anybody got a better, fair- fairer plan, go ahead.

There were 8 of us there, so that simply means 8 shares.

- 3 for us, 2 for you... - Aah, this is hopeless.

We gonna get no place if we gonna continue listening to this old bag.

Hey, what are you trying to do, lady? You trying to split us up so it becomes every man's for himself?

- And every woman for himself? - One more funny remark from you, buster...

- Well, let's get out of here. - Oh, please, please, don't argue anymore. You heard everybody's...

Whop! We figured it 17 different ways.

And every time we figured it, it was no good.

Because no matter how we figured it, somebody don't like the way we figured it.

So now... there's only one way to figure it.

And that is: every man...

...including the old bag, for himself!

- So, good luck and may the best man win!

Right! Except you, lady. May you just... DROP DEAD!!

All right, all right. We all agree on that.

Now look - let's be sensible about this thing. There's money in this for all of us, right?

There's enough for you. There's enough for you...

and for me...

and for you...

and there's enough for...

Melville, my shoe!

Get in the car!

2-1-5-8-2-1-6-2, four cars under observation are passing this checkpoint.

Lead car is Plymouth Station Wagon.

Next, the Ford van, the Volkswagen...

and the Chrysler Imperial Convertible, all doing about 50.

Yep, they're on their way!

- All traveling in the same direction? - That's right, and according to my boys...

they're all on reckless driving charges already.

You know, none of those people must suspect for a minute,

that anybody is interested in them.

Now, Sheriff, will you get on to Capt. Hardesty and see how many helicopters he can let us have?

Well, I'll see what we can do and I'll call you back.

Now, where have I always told you that the Smiler hid the dough?

- I know, I know. - Where?

- Right... there. - That's right, yeah.

Which means, if these merrymakers decide to go for it,

they'll go to the crossroads and turn south.

But why did Smiler head east when he made his break,

if the money is down here somewhere?

Oh, ho-ho-ho, Aloysius, I mean the guy is just being clever. You can't...

$5 will get you $10...

they go to the crossroads, and turn south.

You got yourself a bet!

"Mount Shasta National Forest." Are we anywhere near...?

That's on up top! Look down near the bottom.

- Are we near Oregon? - That's 700 miles from here.

Don't pass it, Ding!

You will lose your license, Ding.

We are the ones with the Imperial and we're running last?!

I can't- can't pass them on the curves.

Oh, go on, go ahead. Look, there's a space!

Well, what are you waiting for, an engraved invitation?!

GET OVER!! GET...

Get to the side where you belong!

I said it before and I'll say it again:

I didn't want to move to California.

7-6-6-1-7-6-4-8, I'm located at the Valley Center crossroads.

They're just coming up to you. Looks like the Station Wagon's leading,

Volkswagen, the Imperial Convertible and moving van, in that order.

Here comes the Station Wagon now...

...he's turning south.

- All 4 now moving south on C-18. - Thank you.

- Looks like they're making for Highway 66... - Well, that does it. They're headed south.

Look!

Airfield, 5 miles to the south.

- Now, $ 5 will get you $ 10... - No, no, no.

I've got to admit it's enjoyable, but the entertainment is to expensive.

I'll be in my office.

- Did you find it yet? - I can't find it anywhere.

Oh look, you take the wheel, give me the map.

Take the wheel, give me the map!

It must be here. Right over here! Valley Center!

Yeah, it's right here!

- There's an airfield not far from... - Get it off!

Get it off your face!

- Get it off me! - Don't go in there!

Swing over! Watch out!

- Take it off. - Get it off!

I've had enough!

- They're gonna hire aeroplanes. - Never mind. Let's go!

- But if they get planes, they'll be there hours before... - I said, never mind! LET'S GO!!

Nobody's gonna get me up in the air.

Heh! I wanted to be a reasonable guy and give them all reasonable shares. No...

They wanted every man for himself.

Well, I'm now gonna show them what kind of man they're dealing with!

Oh, it's stalled, Benjy. We got dust in the carburetor!

You'll see who the jury will believe!

Because it's our word against yours!

- And besides, there were three of us and only one of you! - Now listen...

- So, you'll see who the jury will believe! - Hold it, please!

While we're arguing, those other four are hiring planes.

- Yeah. - Look, we're all are hung up here.

Now, what we need is a breakdown crew.

Yeah, if we got get to some place where we could rent a car.

Yeah, but there's no traffic, we might be waiting here for...

Wait a minute! By George, come to Vegas, dammit!

There's a bicycle in the van!

Well, will you take us or won't you?!

- For $250, I guess I will. - Good.

Then you take care of the plane. We'll leave our car here, and we'll come back till tomorrow.

- Meanwhile I'll give you a check. - Check?

Yeah, check. It's-it's a Traveler's check from the Bank of America. Don't worry.

- Oh, boy. - Hey!

Are you a pilot? Is there a plane around?

Right both times.

Come on, where's an airplane? I don't see any around.

There's only one. And we have chartered it.

- So you and your friend... - Is that right, did you make a deal with them?

- Right.

Well, is there a place close around where we can charter another plane?

- The nearest place will be up in North Valley. - Oh, where's that?

Another side of Valley Center, about, um... 12 miles, 15 miles?

- Excuse us. - Filibuster, filibuster!

Now you can stick around and watch us take off.

Listen, dentist. I hate dentists.

And I hate you so much, that I'm not even able to tell you how much in front of your wife!

And vice versa.

Come on over here! Come on over here! Come on!

Oh, boy! When the people who own this see this, boy, I sure hate to think what...

Never mind, never mind.

Here's the bike. Look, you get to the nearest phone and hire the best car that you can find.

But-but... this is a girl's bike. This is for a little girl.

Oh, listen. I've got to get the rest of this stuff back, so I can lock up the van.

We'll put everything away. Will you get going, please? Will you hurry?

Okay.

I gotta admit...

...I feel kinda silly.

You know what I mean?

Hey, look, they're coming back! I bet they couldn't get a plane!

- Just the one car. The other two must've... - You must stop them! Do something to stop them!

- Make them give us a lift! - Here they come, here they come!

- Hey, stop! Hey, stop! - Hey, stop! Hey, stop!

- That stupid idiots are not even going the right way! - No.

They've given up and they are going to the police.

They just remembered there's such a thing as human dignity, that's all.

7-6-6-1-7-6-4-8. Listen, Sheriff.

Two guys in a Volkswagen are heading north. Do we tail 'em? Over.

- No. Pete and Sam can pick 'em up at Valley Center. - Right.

Good morning.

- Hello. - Good morning. - Had an accident?

- Anyone hurt? - No, but we've got to get to a phone.

- Can you give us a lift? - A lift?

Of course, I should be absolutely delighted.

Upsy-daisy. I'm afraid you caught me on the hub there.

Oh, Madam, do be careful. I have some specimens of cactus...

- GO!!! - I say, I'm most frightfully sorry.

You see, I've been gathering some samples of desert flora.

Uh-oh, where shall I put this?

Oh, boy!

- Good morning. Morning. - Morning.

Yeah, it certainly is. Look, buddy, we are in a hurry. We've got to get to a phone.

- Of course, of course, with pleasure. - Would you please hurry?

I say, jolly nasty accident there. Jolly lucky nobody was hurt.

Now, where did you get that funny accent? Are you from Harvard or something?

Harvard? Rather not. I'm English.

Sounds so foreign.

Really? Oh, I say, we haven't introduced ourselves, have we?

My name is Algernon Hawthorne... Col. Hawthorne, actually.

- You're a Colonel? - Well, um... Lieutenant colonel, actually.

My name is Finch, and this is my wife.

And this is my mother-in-law... Mrs. Marcus.

Oh, I say, do stuff those into the back, will you?

Cactuses, Ma'am. It's rather a hobby of mine.

Been spending the last 10 days gathering some for my collection.

Nothing spectacular, actually.

Cereus echinocactus, opuntia. That sort o'thing.

Been enjoying a spot of leave, actually, from Vandenberg.

- From what? - Vandenberg.

The- the missile place.

Been attached there for last 10 months. Liaison work.

All very hush-hush and whoosh-whoosh.

That sort of thing, you know.

Please, will you look at the road?

Yes. Whoosh-whoosh.

- Don't stop! Keep moving! - Mother! - I think, we should stop...

- I think we should stop for the... - That big stupid lout, he was the one who ran into us! Go on, keep moving!

THAT?!

You mean, you tell me that... that- that's it?

- Yeph, that's her. - But would... will she fly?

Well, not seen share one of beauty contests, but boy... she'll fly.

- It's nothin', just a-brake some wire. - Yeah.

Melville, I'm not going up in this thing. It's just not safe!

Honey, please, would you leave it to me?

W-what is this thing, hanging out here?

That's an exhaustor. She kicks out a little smoke every once in a while.

But you are a licensed pilot to carry passengers, right?

Well, now, nobody said anything about a license. I was only trying to do you a favor...

- sort of, um, informal. - Where the passengers sit?

- Up front, ma'am. - Oh.

But haven't you got another car that we...

What? Oh, alright. Thanks.

Look, are you sure you can't rent us that truck out there? I'll pay.

I told you, mister, we can't.

This is our first week open. How could we do it without our truck?

We're in business.

We'll have to speak to the Englishman. If we tell him what happened...

Oh, Russell, you wouldn't. How can you even admit we're involved in it?!

He'll say he's entitled to a share!

Yeah, he would be entitled to a share if he drove us all the way down there,

and if we don't tell him all about it, he won't drive us down there.

Oh, you're s-such a genius.

Listen! Only 10%!

There's no reason at all why he should expect any more!

That's what we'll do.

$5. Thank you and come in again.

Ah, there you are. Had any luck with another car?

That's what I wanna talk to you about, Mr. Hawthorne...

How would you...

What would you say if I told you that we know of a very simple way for you to earn...

$35,000?

- 35,000 - what? - Dollars.

Thanks for stopping. Listen, can you- can you give me a lift?

What's with the little kiddy bicycle? What are you - some kind of a nut?

No, you see, I- I had an accident. Look, I gotta get to Santa Rosita, and fast.

Well, I can't help you, friend. I'm turning off the road a little way up.

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute. Let me just think.

I gotta tell someone. Look, have you got a couple o' hours you could spare?

A couple o' hours?

Hey, pal, you've been out in the sun too long. You better watch this, 'cause you're starting to crack up.

No, wait a minute, wait a minute. Listen! Just- wait a minute!

Just-- just hear me out.

Now, what I'm gonna tell you...

...you just ain't gonna believe it could've happened.

But, you see, there was an accident here a little while back.

About 20 miles back. It involved $350,000.

Now, like I said...

...when I tell you this, you just ain't gonna believe it could've happened.

Try me. I'm pretty gullible.

I just won't fly in this old... Now look into it.

Look at how it's shuddering.

Can't we-- cant'we just get back in the car and go on with our second honeymoon...

and forget all about this?

Honey, please, darling, believe me, everything is all right.

Do you think I'd take a chance with you,

I mean, if there was any danger in flying this thing?

This is a plane that's really built, I mean, you know...

Um, look, when was this plane built?

- 1916. - 1916.

1916. I mean, they... these-- these planes are tried and true.

I mean, there's nothing experimental about these planes, you know what I mean?

So, come on. Let's have one big adventure! Come on!

Get up there and have some fun. Come on, here we go!

- That scratched the paint. - Help!

I never saw nothing like that one before.

You better tell MPAA to pick his license number.

God, the thing that bothers me is about this Big W.

Are you sure you told me all you know about it?

I mean, you sure you don't know what that guy meant by the 'Big W'?

No, but none of 'em know. It's just who gets there, and first.

Well, what do you say? Is it a deal?

Um... Deal!

Oh, kid, you better get that bike out of there. Somebody could trip over it in the dark.

Fellas, I'm glad you're here. Look, I need your help.

Here's what happened. I had this blowout. I think there's a spare in the back.

It may be a little flat. Take a look at it, will ya, kid? Is there an airport anyplace around here?

Look, if the spare is flat, don't bother fixing. Give me a new tire, allright?

You ain't got a new tire, then you have to fix the spare.

But don't look at me, move it, would you? You could be gassing up as...

Wait, what is it, a staring contest? Come on!

Move, move, will you, kid? Come on!

Oh, now, what is it?

You know what His Honor is like. I don't want to keep him waiting.

I'll make it fast. It's partly him I want to talk to you about.

- The Mayor? - Yeah.

Yeah. And the Counselor. Now look, Al...

...you know, next week the counselor is gonna start talking about pensions again.

Well now... Oh, I know that you think...

...that you know everything that I'm going to say.

But you don't know the whole story.

Al... in four months I'll be through. I'll be finished.

Now ...

The pension in my grade...

...has not been upped one red cent since 1934!

Now, Al...

...if the Mayor will get behind a resolution...

Oh, what can I do? I can't put any pressure on the Mayor!

You can. You can, Al.

That's the whole point!

This case, I'm gonna have finished by tonight.

It's one of the biggest cases we've ever had across our books!

I want yoo to tell the Mayor about it.

Tell him!

Tell him the money is right here, where I always said it was, right in this neighborhood!

And tell him what credit is gonna be reflected upon the department!

Oh, come on, Aloysius, get in there and pitch a little for me, will you?

Well... I can try.

Well... and he'll listen to you.

And if he gets behind this, it'll pass. Unanimously.

Now, you know...

...you know, Al, I got it coming.

Well... I'll do everything I can.

- You know that, don't you? - Yes.

Now. Now, there-there is just one other little thing about... No, nothing.

Vacation.

Once I get Smiler Grogan out of the way, my desk is clear.

I'd like to take a three-week vacation. Take Ginger on a... you know, real nice holiday.

- That all right with you? - Why, of course, it's all right.

Oh, thanks, thanks. I can hardly wait to tell her.

- And you won't forget about the Mayor? - Oh no.

I'll do my best. I promise you that.

Aloysius, I'll never forget you for this.

You know something, Al? I got a feeling this morning...

- ...everything's coming my way. - Yeah. He-he.

SYLVESTER!!

- Well, why did you do that for? - What are you shouting for? - Mommy!

- Do you have to scare everybody out the crap?!

- What, are you crazy? - Why didn't I think?

We've been running around like a pack of lunatics!

And all the time... why didn't I think about Sylvester? He's sitting there right now!

- He lives on Silver Strand Beach!

- Sure, I never even thought about that. - Who on Earth is Sylvester?

He's my son, he's Emeline's brother. He's a lifeguard down there!

You know, I'm not entirely certain that you haven't damaged this machine.

How many blowouts up here? Why don't you move closer to the city and get more action?

Oh, kid, don't mind polishing, this is wonderful clean. I got a lot of cars. Don't bother.

You! You did a good job.

Here, boys, have a drink on me. Keep the change.

Is ttah all right? I took care of your buddy.

- And let me get out of here now. - YOU!!

Oh no! It's that lunatic, the one who escaped from the asylum last night! Watch him!

He's a homicidal maniac! Get on the phone, yell "Mayday." Yell "Mayday"!

Oh, listen to me! I'm a psychiatrist. This man is insane! I'm not your nurse.

- He has a hate complex. Calm down! Calm down! - SHUT UP!!

Somebody will stumble over the little girl's bicycle in the dark, huh?

Well, when I finish with you, they'll be stumbling over you in the dark!

You get on the phone! Get on the phone!

Look out! LOOK OUT!!

- Look, look, I was clowning. - Get out of here!

Sir, wait a minute! You've got this all... Why don't you stop?! Get some...

I'll kill you, I'll kill you. I'll kill you! Aarrgh!

You got this... Wait! Don't take it so seri...

Will you stop staring and get out of...

He's out of his head!

- He's crazy! - Want us to call... RAY!!

- Wait! Wait! - It's a brand-new pump!

- Get out of here! - Stop!

Stop that! Stop that! He's crazy!

Very good. Quick thinking. I'm proud of you. Very good. Tie him up.

And I'll have a copule of orderlies come by with a straitjacket.

- Very good. I'm proud of you, boys. - I never saw anything...

- Hey! How many people has he killed? - There'll be more.

Just tie him up until the boys in the white jackets get him.

I'm proud of you, boys. You did a real good job. Very good!

Look me up. I'm in the book. Dr. Zillman.

Holy mackerel!

When he started to...

Listen, we better get him tied up! What we gonna do if he comes to?!

- Hit him again! - Oh, I couldn't!

- Look, sir, we've just got to get to Santa Rosita. - I tell you, this is a club.

We don't do charter work. There's nobody around who can take you.

Hey! Whose plane is that, over there?

That belongs to Mr. Tyler Fitzgerald, but I don't think he's going anywhere today.

- Well, is he here? Can we see him? - Mr. Fitzgerald's in the billiard room.

- He is-- well, he's asleep. Nobody can talk to him.

- Can we just ask him a question?

- Couldn't we just ask him? - No, you can't!

Hello? Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Come on, Benjy! It must be him. Here, that must be Mr. Fitzgerald over there!

- Well, you can't disturb Mr. Fitzgerald! - Hey! We are not gonna disturb him, we just want to talk to him.

- Mr... Mr. Fitzgerald... - Let him rest, please!

Shhh!

Don't shush me! We're trying to talk to him. Just a moment, please.

Wake up, won't you please, Mr. Fitzgerald?

- I think he's got a cold. - Ahh...

Now, now, Mr. Fitzgerald, listen. Please, sir.

We hate to disturb your sleep, like this, but-- this is an emergency.

You have no right to crash in here.

Oh, that's a head cold.

Mr. Fitzgerald, listen, you- you know where Rosita Beach is?

Well, you'd be only one who can get us there.

- It's a matter of life and death. - Yeah, that's right, it's a matter of life and death!

- Yeah, it's... our grandmother. She's dying. - Who's dying?

- Our grandmother is dying and she sent for us. - Yeah.

Yeah, she's in Rosita Beach, see. She's dying and we're up here and...

Well, she'd kinda like to have us be with her when she goes.

Otherwise, she won't go.

- Oh, um, she'll go! - I'm sorry, Mr. Fitzgerald, but they forced their way in here.

We didn't force our way in here, sir. Look, let me introduce myself.

My name is Bell, Dingy Bell. And this is Benjy Benjamin.

- How do you do? - Don't start with that "how do you do"!

Look, sir, we-- we'd like you to help us out by taking us down...

- What's the matter? - Wait a minute. - Huh?

Wait a minute. George, come in!

- Yes, I... I can't see! - What?

Something's happened to my eyes, I...

- I- I- I can't- can't see! - You can't see? He can't see.

- Must be an eye cold. - George! George, I- I- I can't see!

- One minute, Mr. Fitzgerald. - I can't see!

George! George, I...

Mr. Fitzgerald!

We want to make sure he doesn't get loose.

I'll kill that dirty rotten bum, if I get my hands on him.

What's the matter?

How come I'm all tied up like this?

Now listen, you just sit there. Everything will be all right.

Yeah, a couple of friends are gonna come and take good care of you.

What friends? What are you talking about?

Now listen, what's the big idea? Get this stuff off me. Turn me loose!

Now, take it easy, pal. 'Cause you've been sick.

Who's been sick? And where is that bum with the glasses, huh?

Now-now-now just sit still, because the doctor is going to get...

What doctor? I don't know no doctor. What are you guys, crazy or something?

I'm warning you. Get this stuff off me, you understand?

- Get this stuff off me! - Watch him, Ray, WATCH HIM!!

I'm warning you! I'm going to have to hit you again!

My arm! You broke my arm!

Now, fellas, you keep this up and I'm gonna get sore. I mean it!

- Okay. That's the way you want it, that's the way you're going to get it. - Heeelp! He's gonna...

- I'll kill you! - Whoo!

- Heeelp! He's ruining our place! - Come on, Ray!

- You better get out of here, mister! - Why don't you leave us alone?! AAHH!!

- Uh-huh. There you are. - What are we going to do?

Dr. Zillman! Dr. Zillman!!

Heeelp! Put me down! You put me down!

Put me down immediately!

- That's the way you want it? You want it that way?! - Help! HEEEELP!!

- Ray, Ray! Ray! are you all right? - I'm OK.

He's nuts! He's really hit his head!

I mean it!

- Did you've ever seen a thing like that before? - No.

Holy Jumper! They're coming back for more.

Look out, you crazy nut!

Guys, you're getting out of line. I'm not kidding, I've had all I can take!

Irwin, we'll gonna have to kill him.

- Ready? - Ready.

- Set? - Set.

CHAAARGE!!

He's going nuts! He's nuts! He's really nuts! He's...

- Go away! - You'd better get out of here!

- I mean it, I don't want to... - Look out!

Ray, what- what do we do?!

Go away! Go away!

Irwin... Irwiiiin!

Here, Ray.

You fellas all right?

Now they show up. Well, where were you when we needed you?

- Writing parking tickets, I suppose. - Yeah.

They're still alive.

♪ Got a baby who can give me 31 flavors ♪

♪ And we like tutti-frutti best ♪

♪ I call him "Ice Cream Joe" ♪ ♪ He is the most delicious boy I know ♪

Go, baby, go!

♪ ...his tasty lips are kissing mine ♪ ♪ He gives me 31 flavors ♪

♪ And we like tutti-frutti best ♪

♪ I just love him so ♪

♪ He's my confectionery Ice Cream Joe ♪

♪ Every time I kiss him, I feel mighty fine ♪

♪ I love his 31 flavors ♪

♪ And we like tutti-frutti best ♪

♪ Pineapple, peach, coconut and banana ♪ ♪ Some of each, chocolate too ♪

♪ I'm telling you that when we kiss ♪

♪ He really does want bum bum ♪ Don't stop! Go!

♪ And we like tutti-frutti best ♪

♪ I want the world to know ♪

He's got to be home! He never gets up this early! Why doesn't he answer?!

I hope you won't mind my asking of this,

but what sort of chap is this brother-in-law of yours?

He's a nut. Why?

I hope he's nothing like my brother-in-law. Peculiar ol' chap.

- Secretary of a golf club out near Pangbourne. - So what about him?

Just that I was thinking that if Reggie, that's my brother-in-law,

if Reggie got hold of information like this information...

...it's likely as not, that would be the last time...

that anyone would ever see or hear of dear old Reggie [...].

I got to say, I doubt very much whether old Reggie will be waiting for us in Santa Rosita.

Cheers.

- We're wasting too much time. - But, Russell, he's bound to be there!

Come on, let's-let's get going.

Wait a minute!

Are you against calling Sylvester?!

Me? Against Sylvester? Mother...

- Now please, let's be reasonable.

- Reasonable? We're gonna settle it, right now! - Now look, this doesn't make sense.

We were back there and we had a conversation and we straightened out the whole thing.

- Mr. Hawthorne and I... - You mean that you two...

- You mean that you suggested that my son...? - No, Madam, I hastened to - assure you... - Well, if...

You think that I'm gonna sit still while some un-american foreigner...

makes accusations about my own flesh and blood?

Well, we'll see about that. Stop this car!

- Really, madam. - Mother, this is awful!

- So we'll see! - Mother, what are you doing?!

You don't even trust your own brother-in-law? Well, let me tell you something.

If my boy is out, then everybody is out! So we'll see!

Look, we don't even own the car, and you have no right to do what you do.

Rights?! Rights?! You talk to me about rights?!

- Mother... - You address me on the subject of rights?!

Trouble? Having any trouble?

Yes! And we don't need any help form you!

Well...

Mother, please. With all due respect, this is too much.

Give Mr. Hawthorne the keys or we'll never get there.

Bad! Too bad!

Madam, I must say I find your attitude somewhat less than helpful.

And what's all this got to do with you, if you don't mind telling me?!

Well, if we have quite decided to withdraw from this affair,

you might reasonably be expected to hand me back my keys so that I could press on.

You keep out of this! Now, for the last time! Are we going to call Sylvester or not?

No!

We are not. And I'll tell you why we're not. Because your son Sylvester

is an irresponsible, unreliable, big loudmouth, no-good bum,

who, if he isn't a crook, it's only because he hasn't got

the brains or ambition even to become a crook.

Say, good show!

Now, If you want to come with us, you can come with us. But if you don't want to come with us, you don't have to.

But we've got to get these keys and you've got to give it to us,

or you'll force us to take them from you!

Hear, hear.

Give us those keys.

Give us those keys.

I don't care where you have them. I gonna get 'em!

- How dare you. - Give us those keys.

- Give us the keys. - You take one more step towards me... - I'll take another step.

I'm warning you. You're gonna be sorry!

- Give me the keys. - You're gonna get it, but good!

- EMELINE!! - Emeline, stay in the car!

Grab her!

Russell, don't! Mother!

- Put me down! - Must be stuck.

Russell, you wouldn't. Oh, you couldn't! You shouldn't!

Let me go! Let me go! Let me get out of here!

I got 'em! Here, come on! Here they are.

We really sorry we had to do it. But that was the only way. Upsy-daisy.

Don't hit him. Ow!

Madam, please! Please!

You forced us. You forced us.

I'm willing to say I'm sorry, but you forced us.

Now, do us a favor, please. Would you get back in the car?

Get away from me! Don't you touch me!

- We had to do it. You saw it, honey. - Russell, let me go.

Just wait. You think you can manhandle a decent woman!

You're gonna go to jail! You're gonna be arrested for assault.

I'm going to sue for everything you've got! TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGTHER!!

- I say, look, if we are going, we really must get cracking. - Russell, how could you?

- You know we had to... - Mr. Finch!

Please don't go. Please, we'll be right with you. You see, we had to do it. She made us do it.

I... Let's forget the whole thing, let's be reasonable, please.

- He's gonna leave, would you please get back in the car. - Not me!

We are wasting so much time. Give me the keys.

Please, honey, please. If she don't wanna come, then you got to come.

I can't leave you here. You got- you got to make this choice yourself.

You gotta stay on my side. Your place is with me. You understand, dear?

- Mama! - No, wait!

Alright, go on, go ahead, you big stupid hooligan!

Just wait and see what happens!

Really, old man, I should just HAVE to say: Tataa!

Emeline... Emeline!

The cars are going faster than we are going. Can't you make this thing go a little faster?

Wide open, I can. But wide open eats up a lot o'gas.

Then open up wide, I'll pay extra for the gas!

- It'll cost you about $50! - Okay, I'll pay when we land!

- Now! - I got to pay you now?!

- Now! - All right, I'll pay you now!

- Melville... - What?

A bug! Get him off! Aahh!!

Get him off! Aahh! There he is! Get him! Get him!

- Hey, you're breaking up the airplane! - Is it down there?!

Now you're breaking the floor!

- Aahh! Help! - Melville!

Help! Help...

Everything's okay, everything's fine.

Everything's just okay. Everything is all right.

Gonna be okay.

None of these 10 people have any record at all.

And yet we're ready to book 'em for withholding information,

causing accidents, failing to report accidents,

reckless driving, theft, at least three cases of assault and battery...

- Capt. Culpepper? - Yeah.

- That my home? - Yes, sir.

Uh, Sheriff, excuse me, will ya? Another call.

Take the Sheriff.

I'll take it in here.

Freddy, transfer Mrs. Culpepper to Culpepper's office.

- Hello. Ginger? - Daddy, it's Billie Sue.

Oh. Let me speak with your mother, will you, sweetheart?

Well?

Ah, dear.

Tell me something, Ginger.

How does it feel being married to the most brilliant personality

in the law enforcement industry?

Are you referring to yourself?

Ginger, I want you to prepare yourself for a little shock.

- When I tell you what has happened here... - So tell me, tell me. I've got this biscuit dough...

The Smiler Grogan case is solved!

The whaat?

Now what the hell is The Smiler Grogan case?

The tuna factory robbery.

The case I've been talking about for the last 15 years!

Now listen: all I want you to do is make all the necessary preparations...

for a little flight to Hawaii, Sunday morning.

- So what's the gag? - It is no gag.

Are you serious about flying to Hawaii?

Flight 7, Sunday morning.

- Are we taking Billie Sue? - No!

Just the two of us. For about three weeks. Now, we're going to celebrate, Ginger.

My feeling is that after 27 years...

...we've earned it.

What's the matter?

- I need help. Could give me a lift? - What?

That's my wife, she's sick, see?

- The doc sent me out for some medicine. - Yeah, all right. Come on, come on.

- I just ran out of gas. - Get in!

What's wrong with your wife?

That's the trouble. The doc's not sure. He says, whatever it is,

she's too sick, even to be moved. He needs a special stuff...

and we haven't got a phone, so I want to get it, and that's when I ran out of...

Slow down a little, the turning is just up here on the right.

Turning? You mean, it's off the road?

- Only a mile... - Oh, pal, I'm in a hurry. I got my...

HOLD!!

Stop the car!

Now listen, buddy!

I'm sorry about your problems,

but the dark side of the hurry, this is my wife.

- Now, come on, we turn right here. - There isn't even a road...

LISTEN!! Don't force me to get ROUGH!!

I'm sorry, I- I didn't mean to bust up your car.

It's all right...

You said, it's a mile?

Well, I'm asking too much.

- You?! - You?!

Hey, wait a minute. We're in trouble!

Everybody's in trouble. Come on, lady, get out of the way, will ya?

Do you think we were the ones who wanted to leave you back there?

It was my son-in-law and that Englishman!

What Englishman? Come on now, will you get out of the way?

Look! You leave us here, and you know what you're going to get out of all this?

Nothing! My daughter and I gonna get it all.

Yeah? How you gonna do that?

I'm gonna call off my son. He lives about 10 miles from Rosita Beach.

And he's gonna drive over there and get the money, and we're gonna have it, that's how!

I was gonna offer you a share just for taking us to a phone!

But just because you're not interested, well, we'll just have to wait around for another car.

Is that true? You really got a brother already down there?

Yes, it's true. Um... that's true.

Well, alright, but just remember: you said I get a share.

You'll get a share, you'll get a share.

Come on, Emeline, get in that truck!

Mother, for the last time: why don't we go to the nearest police?

Oh, I'm glad it's the last time!

- Say! Where did you get this truck?! - Well, let's just say I borrowed it, okay?

Ah, I bet you did. I just bet you did!

No, I'm sorry. The nearest place you could get a wheel for this thing...

would be in Canyon City, about 45 miles.

Excuse me.

45 miles. This bloody machine will never do it!

I was just thinking, perhaps ... We're making a terrible mistake.

We'd better go back and get my mother-in-law.

- Go back? - Yes.

- Listen, you couldn't be serious. - Don't you understand?

All she has to do is get to a telephone, my brother-in-law will get there first.

They'll get all and the rest of us won't get a dime. You can believe that.

But-but-but look here.

Even if she does get all the money...

surely, this isn't to make any difference to our agreement.

She wouldn't break her word?

I-- I mean to say, I-- I'd still be entitled to 10% as agreed. Surely.

Surely... Come on, let's go.

- Operator. - Santa Rosita 7-1-9-6-5.

I'm ringing this Santa Rosita number 7-1-9-6-5..

If Russell really would care anything about me, he never would left me the way he did.

- But he'll come back for me. - Well now, listen.

Do you think everybody's been acting like a bunch of nut-heads or something?

- I sure do. - Now let me tell you something.

Back there, when this whole thing started,

I was gonna string along with everybody,

just to get an equal share. My share.

Understand?

You know what I wanted the money for?

I want to be in a position to... do something for Miss Jenkins.

This little old lady, that runs a boarding house where I live.

I want to get her, like... well, maybe a wheelchair with a motor on it,

Bring her some... some fresh flowers every day.

In exchange for looking after me ever since I was 15 years old.

That's what I wanted the money for. And what happens next?

Now, I tell you what happens.

Then they all decide that I'm supposed to get a smaller share!

Like I'm somebody extra-special stupid or something!

That they don't even care what's a democracy!

Meant in a democracy, no matter how stupid you are,

- you still get a equal share! - I think that's not the right attitude.

And then that dirty, rotten, slimy bum that double-crossed me.

When I get a hold of that smart aleck, what I'm going to do him...

If you're there, I just hope that you turn away.

That's all, that you just look the other way!

Well, did you get him?

Maybe he went out for something, for the papers or something!

We can keep on trying!

Well, just supposing we never do get him?

Listen, we just might be the last ones there.

Just a minute, just a minute! Down there?

You must be kidding. It's too steep!

Come on, I drive my Jeep down here every day. Let's go!

Yeah, let's go. Let's...

You can turn around here. I sure appreciate this, mister. Thanks!

Yeah, yeah. Swell, yeah.

Hi, Eddie.

- Is this Santa Rosita? - Yep, we're landing in about 12 minutes!

At least we won, eh? We got here first. We are the first ones. Oh, boy!

Honey, the first thing we'll do: we gonna pick up a shovel.

No, no, no. First thing, we get-- we get a taxi!

- And then we go and pick up a shovel, eh? - I can't believe it, Melville.

Yeah... I think, way back...

...I was willing to share and share alike with them all, you know?

But not now. Now we get it all!

- Hey, where is the pilot? - Tyler's probably still in the shower.

- Tyler! Oh, Tyler! - There he is!

- Tyler! Hey! Hey, Tyler! - You promised!

Hey! Now wait, I'll wake him up.

- Tyler! Tyler! - Huh?!

- Tyler! Wake up! Come on now! - Huh?! Arrgh!!

Tyler, wake up! Wake up now!

- Get out of here! - Hey! Wait! Arrgh!!

Mr. Fitzgerald! He's out again, Benjy!

Listen, I got to get out of here.

Would you ask your father to come out and show me?

There must be some other way to get outta here!

Come on! Hurry up!

I could show you a way out. There's another way around to the road.

Another way? To the road? You know another way? Good!

Come on in. Don't stand, just sho...

Look, you show me how to get out of here, I'll give you a $1.

- Hmm... $3! - $3?! Why, you...

Yeah, all right. Give you $3. But don't stand there!

Come on, hop in the car! Hurry, will you, kid?! I gotta get out of here!

Come on, hop in there! All right.

- Now, which way is it? - Around that hill.

- That way? - What happened to your door?

Never mind my door. This is the way, eh?

You're a... good little boy.

- They're not here, they're gone. - Probably got a lift.

But we only passed six or seven cars and they weren't in any of them.

Somebody must have picked them up and taken the other way.

I think we better go back to that place we phoned from.

What? That's miles in the wrong direction.

Besides, we can't be certain they'll be there.

I don't know, I must find my wife. And I don't know what to do.

Look, wherever they are,

surely the most sensible thing is for the two of us to press on.

I mean, for all we know, your brother-in-law may be out or away, somewhere.

I mean, even if he were the first to be there, he still has to find the money, hasn't he?

Now I earnestly recommend that we forget your good ladies,

and press on with all possible dispatch.

All right. We'll press on with all possible dispatch.

And I don't really think that personal rancor...

is going to help the situation... if I may say so.

Okay, come on, honey. Let's go. We're here.

We got here first, let's go.

Come on. Oh, I got you, I got you. I got you.

Attaboy, baby.

We've made it, we're here first, we can...

Look, will you take care of my car until we get back, right?

Come on, let's go.

Come on, let's, go. Will you GO?! Come on, honey!

Over there?

THERE?!

DOWN THERE?!

That'll be $ 2.90.

$ 2.90? Here, here's $ 3.00. Keep the change, but wait for us, okay?

Oh, sure.

Wise guy. Come on, let's go.

- Oh, no, we're closed. It's 12:00. - It's 12:00. They're closed.

Wait a minute!

All we want is a pick and a shovel!

Mr. Dinkler's inside.

Dinkler! That's it, we'll get Dinkler, that's all. Come on.

Aah! Downstairs, eh? Come on.

They must be here someplace. Down here, yeah.

Look, look for a pick and a shovel, all right?

Pick and a shovel, must be... someplace around.

That's all I need.

That's all I need, boy.

That's all I need, a pick and a shovel. I found it!

Got it! Heh...

- It's just... - I got it! I found it!

Oh...

I don't wish to quarrel with you, Finch,

but speaking as a representative of Her Majesty's Armed Forces,

- ...I take the most particular exception... - You want me to tell you something?

- You want me to tell you something? As far as I'm concerned,

the whole British race is practically finished.

If it hadn't been for 'land-lease',

we hadn't kept your whole country afloat

by giving you billions, that you never even said 'Thank you' for,

the whole phony outfit would be sunk right under the Atlantic years ago.

- Hey! What are you stopping for? - Get out of this machine!

Get out? I- I can't-- You're crazy...

My machine, I'll do as I bloody well please. Out!

I- I'm awfully sorry. I... You know, I've been very edgy today.

If I said anything about England, I apologize.

Glad to hear you say so.

I must say, if I had the grievous misfortune to be a citizen of this benighted country,

I should be most hesitant in offering any criticism whatever of any other.

Wait a minute. Are you mocking this country?

Are you saying something against America?

Against it? I should be positively astounded to hear anything said for it.

Why, the whole bloody place is the most unspeakable matriarchy...

in the whole history of civilization!

Look at yourself! And the way your wife and her strumpet of a mother...

push you through the hoop.

As far as I can see, American men have been totally emasculated.

They're like slaves.

They die like flies, from coronary thrombosis,

while their women sit under hair dryers eating chocolates,

and arranging for every second Tuesday to be some sort of Mother's Day.

And this positively infantile preoccupation with bosoms.

In all my time in this wretched, godforsaken country,

the one thing that has appalled me most of all is this preposterous preoccupation with bosoms!

Don't you realise that they've become the dominant theme in American culture!

In literature, advertising, in all-- feel the day, within everything!

I'll wager you anything you like,

if American women stopped wearing brassieres...

your whole national economy would collapse, overnight!

F-7 to Central. The Crumps are locked...

in the hardware store basement. Shall I let them out? Over.

How the hell could they get themselves locked in a basement?

- We better let them out. - That ain't fair.

- It ain't fair? What ain't fair? - If they got themselves in there,

they ought to be able to get themselves out.

Uh... after all, if you help them, you're not being fair to the others.

But... the moment anybody gets to where they're going, we're gonna pick 'em up!

So, what difference does it make who gets there first?

Aahh... it's a race, ain't it?

Why do you want to help that dentist for?

Me? I've been pulling all the way for that other guy, Pike, with the furniture van.

The rules oughtta be the same for everybody.

Otherwise, it just ain't fair.

Central to F-7.

No. We'll leave 'em where they are. See what happens.

Watch all the exits, but render no assistance. Over.

Are you happy?

Can't you do it, Melville?

Don't you think... I would, if I could?

I'm trying. I'm trying very hard.

You know what I need? I need a drink,

there's some ice-and-stuff back there. Why don't you make us all some Ol'Fashions?

Ol'Fashions? You think you ought to drink while you're flying?

Well, stop kidding and quickly make us some drinks.

You just press the button back there, marked "Booze."

- It's the only way to fly. Ha-ha... - He-he-he...

Estimated speed: 1-7-5. We'll never be able to keep up with him.

Better have some of the other units intercept. Over.

Hello, Ginger? What's the matter now?

It's Billie Sue. Her new boyfriend Oscar

was supposed to come down from Pomona just to meet us.

- So now she called him and told him we were going away. - What?

So? What's the matter?

You keep forgetting, if a girl is 6 feet 5 inches tall,

she's bound to have special problems.

- But, Ginger... - They had some argument...

- Get out! - and they started

screaming at each other and now the whole engagement's off,

and she says she's leaving.

Leaving what? Leaving home?

Let-- let me talk to her. Get her to the phone!

I'll try. Just a minute. Talk to your father.

I won't. I don't want to talk to him ever!

Don't be ridiculous. Whatever else he is, he is your father.

Captain, there is a captive report. Just came in.

All right! All right! In a minute! Can you wait a minute?

- ...talk to your father. - No! No! No! - What?!

- She won't come to the phone. - She... what?

- She won't come to the phone. - Look, you are her mother! Get her to the phone!

- Mel! Are you all right? - I'm fine. I'm okay.

Look at this. Just another storeroom.

Dynamite!

Dynamite.

We could blow our way out.

Melville, you don't know anything about dynamite and you know how I hate explosions!

Look, I've seen many people blowing tree stumps out with just a little dynamite.

It's simple: you just light it and it goes boom. That's all. It's...

The burglar alarm.

We just throw it on, people hear it, they come and we're out.

Okay, now, don't be frightened if it makes a big bell noise, you know.

Okay. All right? Here we go.

- I don't hear anything. - Neither do I. There's no bell.

Look at it. It just stands there!

Wait a minute.

Stand by.

Burglar alarm.

Burglar alarm! The stupidest burglar in the world could come in here

and walk away with everything! And we can't even GET OUT!

I was just thinking.

Melville. Mel!

Even if you do get the bell to ring and somebody comes...

...what about the damage?

Won't they make you pay for the damage?

Damage?

Make us pay for the damage?!

They're the ones who LOCKED US IN!!

This thing is gotta work!

Help me! Help me, please!

Please, help me, Monica!

I lo- I love you, Monica!

Please, help me! I'm frying!

Please, help me! Oh...

Melville!

You hear bells, baby?

Yes?

- Who is that? Who is that? - Who's that?

I want my son! Hey!

Who is that? I want to speak to Sylvester Marcus.

- Sylvester? - Yeah, baby?

- It's your Mom. - Ha-ha-ha...

Ha-ha, good old Mom. HELLOO!!

- Sylvester? Sylvester?! - Is that you, Mom?

'Course it's me! I've been trying to get to you all morning!

I've been a little busy, Mom, I've been...

I've been working, Mom, and I didn't hear the phone.

Hey, hold on a minute, will you, Mom?

Baby, how about a can o'beer or something, eh? Man, I feel like...

Sylvester, will you listen? Something's happened!

There was an accident this morning. A man got killed!

Who, Mom? Who got killed?

- Now, listen! Listen... - Hey, you all right?

- Pay attention! - Sis all right?

- Sylvester, will you listen? - What's the matter, Mom?

Sylvester, can you hear me?!

There's a whole fortune in cash,

and you can get it before anybody gets it, but you've got to hurry, do you hear?!

What's the matter, Mom, eh? Now, what's going on here? Are you all right?

Of course I'm all right! SYLVESTEEER!!

Are Russell and Emeline with you?

Sylvester, forget about Russell. Will you just shut up AND LET ME TALK?!!

Mom, come on now, what's going on? And where is Russell?

Don't even mention Russell!

- When I tell you what Russell did... - Just tell him about the dough, will ya?

Will you keep out of this and shut up?!

- Sylvester, don't talk, just listen. - What did Russell do?

He assaulted me, if you wanna know! He grabbed me right beside the road!

He, and this Englishman I don't even KNOW!!

Hey, Mom, who is with you? Who are you talking to and where are you?

I'm with this truck driver in Peterson's Garage, in a place called Plaster City.

And will you shut up a minute so I can tell you WHAT HAPPENED?!

Now listen, Mom, you listen to me close!

You stay right there, 'cause I'm coming now. I'm coming to get you right now.

WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN!

Mom, it's all right, everything's gonna be all right, Mom.

Your baby's coming to get you.

- You just sit there, sit there. Relax, take it easy. - Sylvesteeer!

- I'm coming to get you, Mom. - SHUT UP AND LET ME...!!!

Everything's gonna be all right.

It' my Mom, now she... she's going crazy or something!

MAYBE RAPED!! OH!!

Well?

So he's coming here.

And I'm not to worry about a thing.

Because "everything is gonna be all right".

EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FATHER!! A BIG, STUPID, MUSCLE-HEADED MORON!!

I tell you, he's exactly like your father! - Oh, mother, how can you say a thing like that about your own...

What are you just standing there for?! Come on, what are we waiting for?! Let's get going!!

- What do you think you're doing? - I gotta pick your car!

You can't take my car!

- It's my mother! - It's my husband's!

- It's my mother! - What will my husband say?

- He's going to leave you! - Sylvester!

- I'm coming, Mama! - SYLVESTEEER!!

You better have to make up a story, it's something to tell them.

If they see this damage, you're done!

Come on!

Look, I was here first! I got here first, ahead of all of 'em!

I got the plane! I had the whole thing right in the palm of my hand...

And all I needed was a pick and a shovel!

What are you staring at?

A blowtorch.

I could burn our way outta here.

I could burn the lock right outta that door.

Don't make them so sweet this time.

You want another one? You've had two already. Can't you wait till we're on the ground?

What are you talking about? I'll armour the next batch.

You- you take the controls.

- I- I don't know how to fly an airplane. - Well, there's really nothing, nothing to it.

- But Benjy- Be-Benjy can't fly! - Well, that's nonsense. Anybody can fly a plane.

I'm here, now I'll- I'll - I'll check you out. Put your little hands on the wheel.

Ah, that's it. Now you have it. Now the feet on the rudder, you got it?

There you are, feet on the rudder, that's nuts, heh?

Who says this boy can't fly this ol' plane?! Now, there you go.

Now I'm gonna make an old-fashionedly Old-Fashioned the way that...

...the way that dear old Dad used to!

Wha- what if something happens?!

What can happen to an Old Fashioned, all right?

Hey, Benjy, I know you don't know what to do, or anything, so don't do nothing!

- I won't do nothing. - I say, that boy's a natural-born flyer, that's all.

Wait a minute. Benjy! Benjy! Ease- ease back on 'er!

- I'm easing! - Just like I say, ease back a little bit!

- I'm trying my best! - All kidding aside...

I'm not kidding any longer, It's making me...

...NERVOUS!! Hey! We've got an accident back here!

- What happened? - I don't know!

- Whatever it, I'll find out! - What happened? - Wait a minute!

Mr. Fitzgerald! Mr. Fitzgerald!

- Hey, Benjy! - Whaaat?

You won't believe it, but he's hit his head! He's knocked himself cold!

- Do something! Do something! - What can I do?

- Throw water on him! - Throw water on...

Yeah! Yeah!

NOT ON ME!!

It's good that truck pulled over. I can't stand this anymore.

- In the name of reason, pull yourself together! - You were 10 feet over the line.

Oh! So it's fisticuffs you want, is it?! Right! Stick'em up!

- No! No! - Come here! Come here, you coward!

- Come here! - No! Don't hit me!

- Stop, you! - Don't hit me! Don't hit me!

- Blood! - It certainly is.

Come back here, you blimey...

You want to play dirty, huh? Okay!

Foul! Foul!

You're not much good without that horrible mother-in-law of yours, are you? Ha-ha-ha...

Hey, come on. Fight!

You thought you had me, didn't you?

I have you! I'll kill you! I swear!

No! Stop! Please! No, no, please, oh...

- Hello! Hello! Hello there... - Don't shut the motor off!

I'm not shutting anything off! Hello! Hello, anybody! Can anybody hear me?

- I can hear you! - I don't care if you hear me or not!

Look, I wanna be...

- I don't know whether we're on the air or not... - Mayday! You gotta call MAYDAY!!

Mayday! Mayday, we're up here! Can you hear us? Help! Help!

- Benjy, say something. - HELP!! HEEELP!!

Your daughter, sir, she's on the other line, and...

...I think there's something wrong.

Hello? Billie Sue?

- Billie Sue, where are you? - I'm at the bus station.

I only called because Mommy said I absolutely...

Now, Billie Sue, sweetie, wha-- what are you doing in the bus station?

I'm waiting for the bus.

Oh, now, sweetie, would you just listen to me for a minute?

Billie Sue, now try to understand:

When this things started-- now, honestly, I don't know what happened...

...but all I wanted to do is to celebrate!

Well, I don't gonna see what this has to do with that.

No, well, no, never mind that, because what I want you to do is just turn in your ticket...

and then get in a cab and go home right away and just wait till I can get there.

Now, will you do that for me, sweetheart? Oh, ple...

...will you-will you, please, do that one little thing for me, sweetheart?

Your wife. She's on the other phone.

- Ginger? - Yeah?

Now listen, Ginger, I've got Billie Sue on the other line.

Um, Billie Sue, just wait one minute, will you?

- Ginger? - I'm here.

Ginger, can you hear Billie Sue? She's crying.

Billie Sue!

She's in the bus station and she's crying!

But she's waiting for you to tell her.

- Billie Sue! - Billie Sue, are you- are you listening?

Billie?

- Are you listening to your mother? - Billie Sue, your mother is speaking.

- Listen to your mother, sweetie. - Billie Sue!

Billie Sue, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!

Listen, let me tell you something! Everything that's happened to my daughter and me today,

only happened for one reason! And that was because you were too stupid

to look where you were going, and wrecked our car in the first place!

Oh, yeah?!

All right, now you either get out of that truck or I'm going to throw you out of that truck!

Oh, please, Mr. Pike, don't get upset.

You're not going to do anything! Drive on, you big, stupid idiot.

I'll bet you anything it was her idea right back there

to pass me by on that bicycle, now, wasn't it? Hm?

Yeah, well, I'm beginning to realize what your husbands been going through.

Well, I've had it ust about up to here.

Come on, lady, I'm talking to you. Get out of the truck!

Well, I'm getting though. Excuse me.

I'm not!

I'm not even moving!

I've got as much right as you got to be in this truck!

Because you stole it and that's the first thing I'm gonna tell the police,

if you don't get back in this truck, and drive us to Rosita Beach State Park!

Mommy, you're not to worry about your baby!

Your baby's coming to save you, Mama!

Oh! Mr. Pike! Mr. Pike, please!

- Let me go! Get away from me! - That isn't nice a bit!!

- Mother! - That isn't a nice way to pick up a shoe!

Please, help me!

- Oooh! - Stop the car!

Your baby, that's what I'm here for. That's why you had me, Mama, to save you!

Help me! AAAAHH!!

EMELINE! HEELP!!

Yeah, yeah.

It's practically burned through!

Now, just a couple of blows with the sledgehammer, and we're out!

Why now, stand back!

Hey! Wait a minute!

I can't cross here!

You said the main road. This is Niagara Falls.

All right, look.

You're a little boy.

If you want to be a big boy... which way to the main road?!

Don't! Don't!

Get off!

- Let-- let go! - I won't let you!

- Get me-- get me out of here! - Take your own pension!

Now, that's enough. That's enough!

Thought you had me, eh?

Thought you had me?! Come on!

Captain! I am sorry. The Chief wants to see you.

- You wouldn't believe it. You couldn't believe it! - What?

I'm telling you, I've never been [...] so disgusted in my whole life!

It's no! The answer is 'No'.

He won't back any increase in pensions. He won't even talk about it.

And there won't be any increase in pensions. And do you know why?

Because they got a solid majority

of both Republicans and Democrats who've agreed...

that if anything is said about pensions, they'll actually reduce your pension!

Why? Because they know that you personally

were more responsible than anybody else for closing down the houses.

And could I do anything? Would he listen to me? Ah!

All right, so you're an honest cop...

...and you've spent a lifetime being an honest cop.

And you've got that, and that's all you've got!

There's... no good saying I'm sorry.

I'm too angry and sick at my stomach to be sorry.

You're not even listening to what I'm saying, and that's the trouble with this whole family,

with you, with Daddy and Granny and uncle Michael... everybody, but nobody ever listens!

- Billie! - They don't listen a minute to anything...

- or to anybody else... - Billie Sue! Billie Sue!

Melville, I smell something burning.

We're on fire! Come over here.

Come on. This way. Go down. Now, go!

Hurry up!

- Put it out! - I don't know! Get something!

- The extinguishers. - Get one!

- What I do? - Use it!

Not on me! On the fire!

It's too deep!

- This is a car, not a canoe! - Come on! It's easy!

If I don't get out of here... Why? Why?

All right! All right! Here I come!

It's too deep!

It's too deep, you little rat fink!

Why didn't you tell me it was too... What do I...

Don't stand there! Get somebody! Don't st...

This is no place for a Convertible!!

I'll get you! I'll get you!

I'm bleeding, Emeline! Look! I'm bleeding!

MY MAMA!! What did they do to my Mama?!

Benjy!

It is your father's fault.

- The whole thing is your father's fault. - Oh, Mommy.

Everything is your father's fault.

What's the matter, Chief? Somethin' wrong?

- You know as well as I do... - Mommy, will you listen and stop yelling!

Stop it, Billie.

Billie, you're not listening.

♪ Well, step into the lobby ♪

♪ For whatever is your hobby ♪

♪ To drink or smoke or repeat some joke ♪

♪ From the mad, mad, mad, mad world ♪

Central to all units.

Central to all units.

Report, all units. Over.

2-1-6-8-2-1-5-4. Finch and the Englishman stopped fighting.

They're back on the road and they're getting right in the beer truck. Over.

F7 to Central. There's a fire in the basement,

a lot of smoke's coming out of the ventilator. Over.

4-2-7-Echo to Central. We can see the man Otto Meyer now.

He found a shallow spot in the creek but that kid is throwing rocks at him.

Over.

2-1-7-6-2-1-5-3. The man Pike is down by the breakdown truck now.

Mrs. Marcus is still inside it.

She's crying, but she just hit him again. Over.

3-8-9-Daisy to Central. There's something wrong in that plane.

They've been flying upside down for four minutes. Over.

2-1-8-4-2-1-4-9. Sylvester Marcus is still moving east on Highway 94.

He's hitting over a hundred now. It's all we can do to stay with him.

Over.

F7 to Central. We think they've put the fire out now.

It's all quiet in the basement. Over.

Central to all units. Come in, all units. Over.

F7 to Central. There's some pounding in the basement now.

He's using the sledgehammer again. Over.

2-1-6-8-2-1-5-4. The beer truck with Finch and the Englishman

has stopped outside the Avis rent-a-car agency in Canyon City.

They're going inside. Over.

2-1-7-6-2-1-5-3. Pike and Mrs. Marcus and her daughter are back in the tow truck...

and proceeding west on Highway 80, doing 70. Over.

3-8-9-Daisy to Central. The plane's still in the air,

but they just bust a state highway and caused a four-car-smash-up. Over.

F7 to Central. He has stopped pounding with the sledgehammer now.

It's all quiet in the basement again. Over.

Central to all units.

Come in, all units. Over.

2-1-7-6-2-1-5-3. Pike and the two women are now proceeding west on Highway 4. Over.

2-1-8-4-2-1-4-9. Sylvester Marcus is still moving east on 94.

Looks like he may be meeting his mother pretty soon. Over.

2-1-6-8-2-1-5-4.

Finch and the Englishman rented a blue Chevy and they are on their way again. Over.

4-2-7-Echo to Central. The man Meyer is still sitting on a rock in the middle of the creek.

He's shouting at the kid, but the kid's been gone for 20 minutes. Over.

F7 to Central. We can hear the moving in the basement again.

They must be trying something else. Over.

Now stop it. Stop it, Monica!

It's only a couple of pieces of small dynamite.

An- an- and they're 70 feet away, in the other room.

And this is a strong counter. We can't possibly get hurt from there.

Please, Melville, go and stop it. Stamp on it or something.

- You know I hate explosions. - Look, it's perfectly all right.

All I wanna do is to blow a little hole in the wall, and then we'll be outta here!

Something's happened to the fuse.

- What could possibly... - Hold it. Sh!

Listen.

The fuse has gone out. I can't hear it anymore.

- Stay down. Don't get up! - I just wanna take a look. Okay?

Huh! Oh, now I see.

It's the fire extinguisher stuff.

The fire extinguisher stuff got all over the fuse and put it out.

Melville, don't you go in there! You'll be killed!

- You'll be blown to bits! - Monica, for Heaven's sake!

I just wanna go in there to take a look!

Why do you always imagine I can't do things for myself?

Don't you think I got any sense at all?!

Why can't you have a little confidence in me?

- Listen... - I'll never be bad again! - Whoever told you you could fly?

What do ya want from me? How long I been flyin'?

- Keep it going! - Can't you talk to that radio?

Hello! Hello, anybody on the ground? On the ground, anybody!

We're up here, can you hear us?

- Stand back! - Everybody, stand back!

Stand back, folks! Folks, stand back!

This is Rancho Conejo Tower. Do you hear me?

- This is Rancho Conejo Tower, do you hear me? - We don't know who they are.

Aircraft calling Rancho Conejo Tower.

- This is Rancho Conejo Tower... - Hey, Benjy, I got 'em, I got'em!

I got 'em! Hello, down there on the ground!

This is us, up here in the air, and we're in trouble!

We're in an awful jam! Listen... Hello?

Oh, Benjy, I think I lost 'em!

Wait a minute. You're not using the set the right way.

You press your switch in to transmit. And when it's released, you're on receive!

Can you understand me? This is Rancho Conejo Tower.

- Where are you and who are you? Over. - I know how to work it now, Benjy-boy!

I know how to work it. Watch it! Hello! Hello, down on the ground,

this is us up in the air, and, listen-- we're in this fella's plane, see?

And he... he knocked himself out,

because he drank a whole case of bourbon, and he fell down and he hit his head!

And... what do we do?! You know...

The switch, let go of the switch!

If you can, give us your position.

Who's flying the plane? Over.

What do you mean, "Who's flying the plane?!"

Nobody's flying the plane!

Can't you understand? We're in real trouble.

There it is! Let me.

Rancho Conejo Tower. Listen.

We've got you spotted, we can see you. Now you've got to hold that course.

You think you can hold that plane on course long enough for us to get something organized?

Rancho Conejo, over.

No, listen, I keep telling you: We can't do anything.

You gotta get somebody else to do something!

Can we parachute?!

Sir? Tower here. Emergency. We have contacted...

Tell him it's a full emergency. We'll try and talk 'em down. Tell 'em!

Full emergency. We'll try and talk 'em down. Right, sir.

It's a Twin Beech. There was one here, I saw it this morning.

Who's got a Twin Beech? It's that colonel, Col. Wilberforce.

He was over at maintenance. If he's still over there, get him over here and hurry!

Rancho Canajo Tower. Now listen. Don't talk, just listen.

We're getting things under control, so you can take it easy.

We know what kind of a plane you're in, we can see you,

and we're making all the necessary preparations to talk you down.

Rancho Conejo. Over.

Up here to Rancho Conejo tower. Listen, we can't land this thing, understand!

We're in real trouble. Over!

Listen, you will be perfectly all right as long as you follow instructions.

One thing: is important that he man at the controls is also the man on the radio.

- Here. - Hey, get outta here. - Put 'em on. - No. I don't want to!

Put 'em on! He said the fella that was flying should be talking on this thing.

What am I supposed to do, everything? You want me to fly, idiot, you want me to work the radio?

What are you gonna...? What are you, the hostess?

He's gotta take charge of this situation! What's the matter with him, anyway?

He's just sitting there, rigid-like.

If he catches you at that keyhole, you'll be rigid-like.

- He said he didn't want to be disturbed. - All he does is keep looking at the wall.

Well, he'll have to be disturbed if any of this things develops further.

I bet you any amount of money that we could get on the ball and get what he...

- Everything's under control, Chief. - Hm.

- Hey, you okay, Chief? - Hm.

Yes, why? How's it been going?

Ah, something's about to happen sooner or later. Oh, take a look at this.

Those two in the basement first of all started a fire,

then set off a lot of fireworks. They still didn't get out.

Those two characters in the airplane had a little accident, knocked the pilot unconscious.

The control tower at the airport is trying to talk them down.

The others...

Aerial report, the man Otto Meyer, well, he had a little accident.

You see, he was trying to-- trying to cross the river and he lost his car.

Now he's on foot, walking back to the main road.

This fella Pike... he's about here,

coming in on 94 with Mrs. Marcus and her daughter, Mrs. Finch.

Mr. Finch and this Algernon, whatever his name is, the Limey...

they're about five or six miles behind, in a...

Avis Chevrolet they rented in Canyon City.

And this Sylvester Marcus, he's the one the old lady called,

he's about here, going in the other direction.

They all ought to be meeting up in about five or ten minutes.

You know what I believe, um... I'd like?

A Chocolate Fudge Sundae, with whipped cream and a cherry on top.

Nothing will happen here for five minutes.

Mrs. Culpepper's on the phone.

No calls. No more calls.

No. More. Calls.

Wow! What's with him?

- Something's wrong. - Oh, why? Something's gotta be wrong?

He feels like, uh... a Chocolate Fudge Sundae.

So, what? He has a Chocolate Fudge Sundae.

- Hey, Benjy! Benjy! Don't hit those trees! - That part is a saw-up. - Pull up!

Dingy, don't let this worry you: We're gonna get killed...

Men, this is Col. Wilberforce speaking.

These gentlemen here have asked me to, um... take charge of this situation,

so, I immediately said that I'd be glad to, um... take charge of it.

Now, before I say anything else...

- I don't think he's gonna help us, Dingy. - Yes, he is, Benjy. He'll help us.

Now, just have confidence in him. He's a Colonel, listen to him!

Steady, men.

Well now, I'm told that neither of you has had any flying experience.

And before I say anything else,

I want to congratulate you on having done so well...

...uh... so far.

Now! First of all, men, I'll explain what we intend to do.

You can't land the airplane until you've made your approach.

And you can't make your approach, until you've made a long slow turnaround...

down to the south.

And we've got to be clear on a few things before you can start that long slow turn.

Now, the stick that you're holding there... that is... I assume, that...

Now men, are you holding that stick? Is somebody holding that stick?! Over!

What stick? Oh, the wheel! I'm holding it.

- We're both holding it. - Oh, good.

Just for a second there, I was afraid... Well, never mind that.

Now I'll explain the controls. It's very important that you understand the controls!

Because if you don't, I'm afraid what might hap...

- Hello? - I was afraid you weren't gonna be at home, Jimmy.

Hey, is this who I think it is? Is this Capt. Culpepper?

What are you calling me for?

Why, I was wondering, um... how that 'Natalie Anders' is these days.

Well, she's fine. But why?

Well, I was thinking about a little trip, Jimmy.

You?

You mean, with me?

I thought we could just slip quietly out on a sort of cruise to the south.

You know, Jimmy?

You mean a round trip or, um... just one-way?

Just one-way, Jimmy.

- Could we go right away? - Oh, sure, um... Oh, but wait.

Is there, um... something in it for me?

There's something in it for everybody, Jimmy.

Listen, if you are throwing me a curve...

You know, I wouldn't do a thing like that.

I won't be long. Thanks a lot, Jimmy.

- You want a lift? - Yes, thank you very much.

I say, it's awful nice of you to stop.

- You see, I'm just going as far as Santa Rosita Park. - Oh, that's out of my way.

- We're blocking traffic. - We are?

Let's move it. Will you-- will you move it?

Here we go. All right.

Move just over, hide behind the counter, and I'll light up a fuse.

Melville, will you just do one thing for me before you use the dynamite?

Try hitting the door just once more...

Oh, honey, I broke my back on that door. That's a hard door. I mean...

Okay.

Where's the sledgehammer?

Hey, this staircase isn't safe. I mean, the-- the fire burned it all out.

Pleease?

All right.

Ohh, you're gonna...

Melville, for God...

Melville!

Monica...

...now let's forget about the door, huh?

Look out!

- What? What, what? - They've spotted us.

- Who, who have? - Don't stop driving, man. Keep going.

- What, what is this? - That helicopter. They've seen us.

What helicopter?

That's a police helicopter.

Yeah, that's what it looks like. They always use 'em.

- Who, who always uses...? - Who do you think? Look...

I don't want to talk about this, but they got me, the got me hemmed in!

- Who, who have? - Will you shut up and listen?

Alright. I'm gonna break a rule. A rule that says we must never reveal our true identity.

But this is a matter of life or death, this is a desperate situation.

- Wha-- what is? - Will you shut up and listen?!

Now look, I haven't got much time, so if you love your country,

if you're a patriot, you'll listen and you'll listen hard.

You gotta get to a phone, and you gotta make a call.

- I gotta get to a phone and... - Yes, you got to call Intelligence.

Central Intelligence Agency in Washington, D.C.

- What on Earth I... - Now, LISTEN!!

You tell 'em you heard from X-27. You got it? X-27.

X-27 told you to tell them they've made three attempts on my life today already,

I've been down the silver mine, they tried to drown me.

Can you handle a gun? Now, look... Oh!

Good, there's a cafe. Pull right in there. You'll use that phone.

- Look, I don't think I wanna get to a phone... - You shut up!

You're in no danger, they've never seen ya. Now, pull in.

All right, good. Now look:

get to a phone, tell the operator "emergency priority",

and then ask for the CIA, alright?

Jump out. Jump. Come on, come on!

You're in no danger. They don't know you!

You're all right. Now look, I'll duck the car and I'll come back for you.

For God's sakes, man, don't stand in the street. They'll see you. They'll spot you!

Move it! Go! Heya, yahaa! Go!

But I still say: when we get to Santa Rosita, we oughtta go straight to the police.

No. First we go out to that park,

and if we find that the others have already been there and gone,

then we go straight to the police,

because for all we know, there may be a reward.

And... Sylvester! It's Sylvester! Turn around, you idiot!

What do you want to stop him for? He's going the wrong way.

It's my son! Do as you're told, stupid.

They're nuts!

Call in and tell them the tow truck turned around and is following the Dodge!

2-1-7-1-2-1-5-9.

This is stupid.

You call me a stupid idiot?

Let me tell you something: you're a stupid idiot.

- But he'll go all the way to Plaster City! - So he goes all the way to Plaster City.

I don't know about you, but I'm turning this thing around.

Now, you want to catch 'im, you get out and run!

Let's stop arguing, please.

The only reason we're together is because they only had one car.

So let's get there, even if we are last.

Whatever the outcome of the day, I shall never forget that you hit me...

when I wasn't even looking!

Yeah.

Hey, Russell! RUSSELL!!

- How can you possibly be so slow?! - I've had just about enough out of you.

If you've been quicker turning around we could've caught him!

- Now, why don't you shut up? - Russell! There!

- It's Russell and Mr. Hawthorne! - Wel, stop him, catch him!

We gonna start that again?

Faster! Step on it! Blow the horn, you big dope!

Look, what do you want these guys for, anyway?

You gotta keep up with them! You're falling behind, you...

Sylvester! Mother! Sylvesteeer!

Well, stop him! Don't let him get away, don't let him get away!

I say, what's that chap honking his hooter for?

I don't know, it's probably some road hog who thinks he owns...

- What? - What? What?

I got to ask you something about Mama! Russell, wait a minute!

It's my brother-in-law! What's he doing?

Be careful, be careful of him. He's not normal.

You're getting me... Boy, are you bugging me, man!

I'm gonna... when I get... I'm gonna nail... U-hu-hu, God, I'm getting bugged now! Whoa, man.

Russell, will you pull... if you don't pull over, I'll kill you!

Russell, I'm warning you, pull over and stop!

I said stop! Well, you asked for it!

Russell, when I get my hands on you...

What are you doing?!

- I said stop! - Are you crazy?

- We'll get killed! - Pull over!

Don't you know what I mean? I-SAID-STOP-THAT-CAAAR!!

Look out!

You know, when I get my hands on you, Russell, I will kill you!

You crazy?! Are you crazy?!

I've never seen anything like this bunch.

He ran right into 'em, he ran them right off the road!

- Guys, you guys, come on outta there! - Fellow's absolutely beside himself.

- Sylvester, what are you trying to do? - Come on, let's go!

- What did you do to my mother?! - We wouldn't do any to your sweet little mother...

Come on, move! Move!

- What did you do to my mother? - I didn't do anything! Let me explain.

Now, look!

She called me. She phoned me.

What she told me was so horrible, I thought she'd gone nuts or something!

- It was true, wasn't it? - It isn't true.

Whoever told you that, she was a liar. It's not true!

- It is true! - Now, look here!

Are you English?! Just answer me, are you English?!

Yes. As a matter of fact, I am. Why, don't you like the English?

She said, there was an Englishman.

She said that you and this Englishman... I'll kill you! I'm killing you!

Sebastian! Don't [...]

Tell me, what did you do to my Mama? What did you do to my Mama?

- Emeline! Emeline! - Sylvester! - Mama!

Why couldn't you listen?! Why couldn't you shut up,

when I was trying to tell you to listen?!

Have a care! That chap's run absolutely amok!

But how come you... I thought that...

Mama, you told me, when you called me on the telephone, you told me that he...

Why do I wanna say a thing like that? Say, what is this?

What's going on here? Will somebody please tell me?

Oh, shut up, will you?! You should've had sense enough to listen!

Sweety, I couldn't help it. You know that, honeybunch.

Oh, Russell, you shouldn't have done what you did!

What? What did he do? Tell me what he did, I'll rip his ugly head off!

No, no, please. Let's stop it. We're wasting too much time. We're wasting too much time!

- Hear, hear! - Yeah.

Okay, okay, I've had enough. I'll see you around, okay?

Now you stay right where you are! You admitted that you stole that truck,

We can have you picked up in 2 minutes!

Listen, will somebody tell me what's going ooon here?! Will somebody give me one word of information?!

I TOLD YOU ONCE!! There was an accident this morning!

- You-you mean, it's true! About the money being buried? - That's true. It's true!

And while the others are there already, we're standing here arguing!

Well, let's get moving, before the others... Others, what others? Who- who are the others?

Nobody! But that we will explain it all on the way!

I say, we don't appear to have a motorcar.

Yeah, I won't be able to get mine out either!

Wait a minute, wait a minute, now wait... like... Just let me tell you something.

You go your way and I'll go my way.

Okay? I'll see you around.

Hold it, buster. Looks like we're all gonna use this truck. You know this neighborhood?

- No. - But I do. So, I'll drive.

Mama, make up your mind! What you wanna do? You wanna take them with us or not?

We'll have to take them with us! Otherwise they're gonna call the police!

All right! You two guys jump in the back of the truck!

You too! Sis and Mom are right up front with me!

Come on, Mama, just let's go! Everybody in the truck! Everybody in...

Now, in a couple of minutes we'll have them in position, Colonel.

In another couple of minutes, men, we'll have you in position.

- You're doing a great job, Colonel. - Thank you.

Why don't we just shoot 'em down and be through with it?

- Oh oh. - Oh oh, man!

- He's gonna pull up, isn't he? - Why don't you pull up? Aren't you, man?

None of these people must suspect...

...that they have ever been under observation.

Now, none of them have ever seen me.

None of them know me,

so I'll be moving in... alone.

The minute I move in, I'll give you the word.

And when you pass the word...

I don't want to have another policeman within miles of me.

- Right? - Right.

I, uh...

...I won't like it if I see another policeman.

And I give you my word, I- I wanted to stop for you.

My wife wanted to stop for you. He wanted to stop for you.

But tell him, tell him how my mother-in-law made us drive by him.

Listen, anything you have to say about your mother-in-law,

you don't have to explain to me.

You know what I mean?

It's like if she were a star of a real crummy horror movie, I'd believe it!

- Yeah! - That's him, that's him!

[...] if I catch you, I'll kill you! I tell you, I'll kill you!

- You dirty robber! - Someone you know?

- I'll drive. All set? - All set, Chief.

Culpepper, all set?

Yes, Sir, all set. Airport just reported that they're starting a landing approach now.

Right.

What's the matter, Chief? You forgotten somethin'?

No. I don't think I've forgotten a thing.

Now-- now, men, about the brakes.

You have to-- you have to know about the brakes.

I- I- I wanna tell you about the brakes in just a minute, just hold it a minute.

Just be-- just-- patient...

What the hell is with this wire here?!

Just hold it a second, will ya?

What was that?!

Now men, now look. No- no- now...

Just hold it a minute, just be patient for just one little minute, eh?

- Hold it, hold it! - Yes, sir, yes.

No, that's not it.

Left... nnoo! That's not it.

- On- on second thought, men, you won't need the brakes. - Sir... Sir.

O- on second thought, men, you won't need to use the brakes.

Ah.. the runway is so long here, that when you throttle back,

the plane will just come to a full stop naturally.

Yes. So, forget about the brakes, men!

- I tell you, you won't need the brakes! - But, Colonel...

All right now, men. All right now, men. The chips are down!

Be calm. This is it. Just one minute more, men, and it'll be all over.

I- I- I mean, it'll all be over. I mean, courage, men.

Because we're all with you down here every second on the way, men.

We're all pulling for you just as hard as we can.

So, now it's just hold onto your nerves, men,

and not get excited nor do anything foolish.

But just keep calm. That's all we gotta do, men.

Keep calm. Calm, men!

Not that calm, you idiot!

Pull up!

Now, don't worry. Just keep calm.

What's this? Wha- what- what's this that is coming?

- That's good. That's cement. - What? No-no-no...

Wait a minute! Wait! Hold it! Wait a minute...

What are you doing, Benjy? Wait! Wait!!

What, are you trying to scare me?

- No! - Well, you did!

Just... couple of sticks of dynamite, that's all.

How much noise could it make? Boom. It's all over.

Get it over right! Get it over!

Left rudder! Too low! Up, up! Pull up!

No! Left rudder! No!

No! No-no-no! Pull it up!

HEEELP!!

Help! I'm the Colonel, you know!

Help! Help! Help me! Get me down!

We're not going to land and we'll never make it!

- We'll never make it! - What do you mean, we'll never make it?

Don't freeze! Benjy! Benjy, don't freeze!

This one's gonna work.

- Damn it, come to! - You hit me!

Listen, wake up! Hey! What...?!

We're down!

- We're on the ground. - Hooray!

It's just a noise, that's all. It's way over there.

- Put on the brakes! - The brakes, okay. Where are they?

Benjy! Here comes a restaurant!

That's it, we've landed! Come on!

Come on. Hurry. Now, hurry up!

- Come on! Come on, let's go! - Hey, ah... what about him?

Never mind about him. There must be an ambulance around,

let's get out of here, come on!

Cab! Hey, cab! Cab! Cab!

Listen! We're in an awful hurry! Do you know where the State Park is?!

Sure! What happened?!

We had an emergency landing! Come on, hurry!

Quick, let's go! Come on, get in!

Come on, Benjy!

Oh! Excuse me.

Excuse us. Here's your bag.

You see, the... the lock didn't work.

Let's go.

That's-that's all. The owners will pay for everything.

The owners will pay for everything, the- the owners...

Next door, he'll pay, buddy, that's all. It's okay.

Hey! Hey, you people. You!

Come back here. Come back!

You-- you vandals!

The cops in this town are morons, retarded!

I'm dealing with moronic people!

'Cause he's in a bad humor, that fat Nazi! What, I gotta suffer because o'him?!

What's the matter, get away from me [...]! What's the matter?

- Are you freak? - Can't you see I'm talkin on the phone?!

- Huh?! Gimme two minutes!

Now, listen to me, Sy...

Will you take us to Santa Rosita State Park?!

What's the matter, what happened to you? There was some kind of Initiation?

We had an accident, followed the Yellow, alright? Hurry up!

Benjamin and Bell stopped at a gardener supply place

on Ocean Boulevard and bought picks and shovels.

Wait, hold it, Chief. Here's a report on the Crumps.

Their cab has turned onto 101, moving south, he's moving towards your present position.

Well, wait, wait a minute! The other taxi is also turning onto... they're on 101,

and they're moving north. They're both moving in your position, Chief!

Understood. Stand by.

- They oughtta be here any minute, Chief. - Uh-huh.

Look. It's those two idiots,

the little one and the one with the marbles in his mouth.

- Hey! It's that hokey dentist! - Yeah.

Pass that cab!

- What's the rush? - What do you mean "rush"?!

We ain't in any rush, we wanna get there in a hurry!

Culpepper.

Now!

Give the order to pull away.

- Come on. Hurry up. - Are you sure you don't want me to wait around?

No, no. Here's $ 5.

- Hey, what's with the pick and shovel? - You go mind your own business! Come on.

Hey! Hey!

- Think anybody else is here? - Didn't see any cars outside.

- Hey, wait a minute! - Aahh!

- Let's talk this over, huh? - I got nothing to talk with you about.

Now, wait a minute! Wait a minute.

What-- you think anybody else has been here?

- How should I know? Come on, Monica! - Wait a minute!

If you think we're really the first ones here, why not make a deal?

The four of us.

You don't know where to look, we don't know where to look, so we'll look together.

We'll find it before the others.

Incidentally, where are all the others?

How come you two just got here? You had the plane.

Yyeeah... What happened to you?

They're up to something funny, you hear what I'm telling you?

Now, did you see the blonde I brought?

Covered up with paint, with her dress ripped?

Now what's that all about?

Yeeah! And what about the picks and shovels?

Sort of piques your curiosity, don't it?

Now you better run back to headquarters. Wait till you hear from me.

- Oh, let me go with you, Chief. - No, I'd like to, but it might snarl things up a little.

Thanks for everything.

Lots o' luck, Chief.

Benjy! Did you see anything, pal?

No, but there must be something somewhere.

Hey, hey... HEEY!! Hey!

- Wait a minute. Did you see anything? - Nothing, not a thing!

Are you sure he didn't say something else, something you've forgotten?

He said it's will be buried under a Big W, and that we'd see it.

- Yeah, well, it's gotta be here. - Look, I tell you what we do.

You go to way we came, and we'll go the way you came.

We might have missed something. Hold it.

You go the way we came... and we'll go...

That's right! Okay, let's go.

They're looking for something that is buried under something called "a Big W".

I heard one of them, the nut, the stutterer, I heard him say it.

Yeah, I heard! But what?!

- Did you see anything yet? - No. Did you see anything?

Nothing. Well, that guy hid it so good, I bet he couldn't even find it himself.

I think that we...

- Who's he? - I don't know.

But he had a shovel.

Oh, maybe he was a prospector, or something?

- What are you talking... - We're wasting time.

- Harder! We gotta look harder! - Let's look harder. Come on, let's go!

- Who's he? - I don't know, but he hadn't got a shovel!

- Melville, I've got it. - You've got it?

Yes, yes, when we were kids and we lost something, all we did was close our eyes real tight,

then turn around three times fast and walk straight ahead, and open your eyes, and there it was, it was always there!

Monica, that's kids' stuff. We're looking for the Big W, don't you understand?

- Can't do any harm, we haven't done it yet. - Monica, what are you...

Just don't worry, and let me try.

One...

...two...

...three!

And now I walk straight ahead!

MONICA!!

Monica! Monica! I can't understand, why you did that.

- What's the matter with you? - Oh...

Monica, will you- will you stop playing games?

- But it always worked when we were kids! - Ah, here's your bag.

Come on, let's go. Hurry up, eh?

Hurry up!

- He's here, I tell ya. - Yes, sir. That's his car!

Well, wouldn't I like to put my hands on that phony!

Somebody must've come in those cabs. Come on, men!

- Let's get moving now, let's get moving! - Let's get moving, come on, let's get moving!

- Yes, yes, the tools must be here. - They'd better be! Come on, Emeline!

- You not just gonna sit there! - You not just gonna sit there...

- Yes, I am. - Come on, mother...

Then sit, Emeline!

Mrs. Finch, aren't you the teeniest bit curious?

No. I'm not even curious, Mr. Hawthorne, just disgusted.

I say, that really is a pity. Do forgive me, I must go.

You are the [...], you wouldn't know a Big W if you saw one!

- I know a... - Shut up [...]!

I don't care what you say, I don't think they got here yet.

They're here somewhere! That means they haven't found it!

You sure that's all that guy said? "They are under a Big W"?

Well, actually, it was after that, when I joined the party.

Yes, sir, by God that's what he said, "It was under a Big W".

- Let's look over there. - Will you shut up and follow me?!

- Who are they? - I don't know!

- From this morning? - Yeah.

- Who's he? - I don't know.

- Who's he? - I don't know!

Mama, how many people are mixed up in this thing?

Mama, who are they? Cabbies? Oh my, this thing's like a convention.

Is anything wrong, ma'am? I- I didn't mean to startle you. Are you all right?

Who are you? Are- are you with the others, the ones that are looking?

- Well, I am, in a way. Aren't you? - No!

I mean, I didn't want to have anything to do with it, right from the start.

And you know what?

I know where it is. I'm the only one that knows where it is, and I wasn't even looking!

- Um, you know where it is? - Yes! - You sure? - I don't know what I should do.

Come on out, all of you! This is ridiculous!

- I absolutely agree with you, Mrs. Marcus. - Oh, come on out!

We all know we're all here, and nobody's fooling anybody!

Okay, so we all know! So what?!

Don't you talk to my Mama in that tone of voice, you hear?

- You hear? - Shut up!

Hey, listen, let me tell you something. We ain't the only ones here. I've seen at least four or five other guys.

That's right. Those two cab drivers, I saw them.

- Oh, they came with us and that dentist. - You wanna start?!

- Yes, I wanna... - Look, why are we wasting so much time?!

We all know that we're all here. And we all know,

that even if somebody finds the money,

nobody's gonna get away with it unless everybody gets a share!

So look, why don't we all get sensible and get this thing organized?!

- Did you all hear what Mama said? - Yeah. Come on, Mother.

Now, um, now wait a minute.

Did any- any of you, anybody see a- a guy with glasses...

with a real sneery expression on his face?

I mean, like, this guy was ugly. I mean, like, real ugly.

And if you help dig it up...

you can have half and I'll have half.

Is that okay? I mean, is that fair?

Because if I have half of the money...

I can go away somewhere where nobody can find me.

Not Russell or my mother... or Sylvester, anybody.

You don't know what that'd mean.

Why, if I had enough money,

I might even be able to live in a convent or something.

- In a convent? - Uh-huh.

Now we all know that we're all here, right?

Now it only seems intelligent to me,

that we should all share in one equal share apiece, is that right?

- Right. Melville's right. - So, we all know that! Look, if... there always...

- Oh, no. Oh, yeah. - Mm-hm. - It's him, all right. Yeah!

You got this wrong! I came to apologize!

Forgive and forget! I'm your friend! I know that you got...

- He's so neurotic! Can't you do something? - I'll get you.

- He's very neurotic. I'm your friend! - When I get my hands on you, I tell you, I'll...

Well, that's it!

Sure! Look!

It's the Big W, I tell you!

It's the Big W!

Look at this!

- Look at it! - He's right! It's a Big W!

I'm sorry, Mrs. Finch.

I'm afraid it's too late.

I think they've found it.

Right here all the time! He wasn't kidding!

- He was telling the truth! - Folks, isn't this great?

Congratulations. Well done.

Listen, I think the big boy here should get an extra share from all of us.

After all, it was he who found it.

Yes! I insist! He gets an extra share.

That's right. He deserves an extra share.

- Well, I... - Look, why don't we just start digging, for...

I suppose somebody comes along. What do we tell him?

Well, we could just say that we're here with an anthropological expedition.

- Naaah! - Now we don't tell them anything!

We tell them to hit the road, or we beat their brains in!

Yeah, it was a nice dream.

Lasted almost five minutes.

Now, don't bug me, I said!

Faster.

Faster-faster, dig, dig.

Faster! Faster!

Faster.

Dig. That's it, dig.

Faster!

Not enough room, there's not enough room. You two, out, out, come on!

How, just get out! Come on, let us do it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. There's not enough room. Man, you're bugging me, you're bugging me!

- What did you tell about "bugging"? - Cut, cut out, cut out.

- What is this "cut out" talk? - Out, baby. Out, baby, out!

Don't call me "baby".

Quit arguing, will ya? Come on!

- What's that? - What was that?

- That's it. - I mean, I can hear a chest, did you hear that?

- Hey! I can hear [...] it's a chest! - I wonder what's in it...

Hey! Bring it up here!

There it is!

- It's a satchel! - Hold it up!

HOLD IIIT!!

- It's a satchel! - Yeah, I got it.

Open it. Open it up!

Quicker, come on!

BINGO!!

I say- I say, chaps! Don't you think we oughtta find a spot of cover?!

No, there's nobody around.

Come on, come on. Count it out, count it out!

- What are we waiting for? - Now wait a second!

Everybody's going to get something, so no arguments. We all get equal shares!

- Yeah. - He's right.

That's the only way to do it. Shares for everybody!

Now, how many are we?

1... 2...

3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8,

9, 10, 11, 12, 13,

14, 15.

15 of us. That means 15 equal shares.

Oh, you dirty double-crosser. You cut yourself in for twice!

You can't get away with that!

- This man... - Get him!

Grab him! Grab him! Get him, get him, get him!

You didn't cheat anybody but yourself because now you're out.

Listen! Listen! You can't cut me out now, you hear?

Not after what I've been through!

All right. Okay. I'm warning you:

if I don't get a share, I'm gonna go straight to the police!

- The police? What's the matter... - What makes you think the police...

What about that money?! It had to come from somewhere.

We know where it come from:

that poor old man who died up there on the mountain this morning.

You wasn't even there, so shut up!

Alright, okay, you asked for it. I'm gonna go straight to the police!

What makes you think the police would be interested, Mr. Meyer?

Are you kidding? Isn't it obvious?!

How do you think money gets... Wait...

How did you know my name?

You know this crook?

Well, I've never actually met him, Mr. Pike, but I've come to feel that I know him.

How did you know my name? I don't [...] about met you any place.

Yeah... yeah, who are you?

We thought he came with you, didn't he come with you?

No, he didn't come with us, I mean, um... we thought he came with you.

Naah!

Well, if he didn't come with you nor with us, well then...

...well then, who are you?

I'm Capt. Culpepper.

Of Santa Rosita Police Department.

Captain Culpepper is the best single policeman in the history of this department!

He has the best record in the force!

He is the only completely honest man I ever met!

So, as a reward for a lifetime service...

he gets pushed around now, by you and a crummy crowd of crooked councilmen!

- Oh, will you come to the point? - Yeah-yeah-yeah, I'm coming to the point.

The point is that I have enough stuff in my private file.

Stuff relating to, um, civic building, road contracts,

harbor and cannery projects,

enough stuff to put you, the D.A., myself...

and a two-thirds majority behind bars for the next 20 years.

And I give you my word, that that's exactly where everybody is going,

- unless certain things start happening now! - Like what, for instance?

I want the pension for Culpepper's grade trebled.

Not doubled, trebled. I want Culpepper to retire with honor!

I want it on paper all over with your signature,

that that's exactly what's going to happen,

and I want that paper in my hands in 15 minutes,

or I'll have all the reporters in town in here in 20!

Now, you know the word for this, Your Honor. It's called blackmail!

Sir, could you possibly see your way clear to... give us a break?

You kidding? Him give you a break?!

Hey, we had a pretty rough day already.

We- we was all covered with dirt, and we fell down in an airplane, and...

my grandmother's dying in Oxnard.

I know we don't deserve any kindness, Captain, but-- well--

if you could help us, I-I'm sure we- we'd-

we'd all be inspired to go on and live better lives.

Well, there is one thing.

I don't know whether it would help or not.

But... if instead of my turning you in...

...you went and turned yourselves in,

juries sometimes look very favorably on things like that.

You- you'd- you'd let us-- you'd let us do that?

Well, what are we waiting for? Let's turn ourselves in!

You must be a fine human being, Sir, after all.

Why should you worry whether we get a break or not?

Well, Mr. Meyer, no matter what you've all done today, you're not really criminals.

So if you like, you can all hop into those two cabs and...

drive over to Santa Rosita...

and, um, just, um... walk in.

- Then-then-then let's do that. - But, sir, we can't all get into the two cabs, can't we...

Well, you can't take the stolen vehicles. Those have to stay here to be picked up later.

- Well, what are we waiting for? - Let's go before he...

Let's go, let's go...

Back in the back.

Drive carefully.

They may be the last passengers you'll ever carry.

Funny. That's funny. Funny, right? Funny?

You could be the most comical cop I ever met.

Yeah.

- Culpepper. - Yes, sir.

Everything is under control here.

It'll take a little longer, because there was a joker in the deck

that nobody knew about. Right?

Yes, sir.

So don't make a move of any kind until you hear from me.

Yes, sir.

Boy, if only everybody had listened to me this morning, we wouldn't have been in this predicament.

Why? What did you say this morning?

What I said was, everybody should share 25 equal...

- Oh, come on... - Not that awful...

No matter what you've all done today, you're really not criminal!

Ah! Of all that snooty, patronizing... YOU'RE STEPPING ON MY FOOT!!

Will you get off my Mama's foot!

Listen, why does the man want to give everybody a break? Huh?

- What's his angle there? - Yeah, I was wondering about that, too.

There's something very funny going on here.

How does he know what we're gonna do?

Look, we're in enough of a mess. We better do just what he said.

I'm tellin' you, the man has got some kind of angle.

Now wait a minute, wait a minute. Hold it! Hold it!

What is it, can you see him?

So just what does he think he is doing?

- That certainly is strange. - Sure is.

- What is he doing? - What's he doing?

- He's going the other way! - Why are we standing here?!

That's it!

We're off the hook! We're off the hook!

- I'm getting outta here! - Come on, we're off!

Come on, get going!

Ah!

Holy mackerel! I almost didn't make it.

No other cops around. He planned it.

We were the only ones who know where the money was.

He was waiting around to take it away from us.

Yeah! But if we find all the money first and we turn it in, then we're all be in the clear.

So, let's just get the dough and worry about the rest later.

- Look! He's slowing down! - No-no, he's gonna turn off to the left.

- What's going on? - Sorry, Jimmy!

He's heading for the border!

Listen! We should stop and call the police station!

You shut up!

We're gonna get that money! Keep driving!

That woman is something else!

Will ya take your foot off the brake?! Let's go!

Stop hitting me. I'm driving! Ouch!

- Whenever you want a cab, you can't get one! - Yeah, come on, let's go, come on!

- F-14 to Central. - Come in, F-14. What is it?

We think there's something phony here.

We're on 101 by Cortez, checking a mad-dog report.

Orders were to maintain silence.

Capt. Culpepper wants this channel kept clear.

We know it, but we saw Capt. Culpepper.

He just went by, he's doing 90 miles an hour.

I don't think I understand that, 14.

- Are you sure it was Capt. Culpepper? - Yep.

- W- was he chasing anybody? - Nope.

Could he have been chasing anybody?

- Chief, there's the Mayor. - Aahh... - Not a chance. That's what struck us so funny.

There were about 15 people in two cabs, right behind 'im.

It looked like they were chasing him!

They were... chasing him? Hey, what's going on here?

I brought it myself. Everything you asked for.

- The pension? - Yeah.

- Call him! Try to get Capt. Culpepper! - Yes.

Calling Capt. Culpepper. Central Division. Urgent.

Calling Capt. Culpepper. Capt. Culpepper!

- This can only happen in America. - You going to start that again?

You've got to believe me. I'm going to be sick!

What's the matter with you? You crazy or something? You're trying to kill us?

Don't make me nervous! Just don't make me nervous!

- Don't let him get away! - Cut him off!

The other way!

Calling Captain Culpepper. Culp, this is Aloysius speaking.

Now, listen to me, Culp. Everything has been fixed.

There's been some negotiation, and everything is all right.

Cut out this nonsense and answer me.

This is Aloysius speaking!

I still don't understand this. What's it all about?

Well... That's it.

All units... arrest Capt. Culpepper.

Tell them.

Attention, all units. Arrest Capt. Culpepper.

This is Santa Rosita Central with orders. Arrest Captain T. G. Culpepper.

Chief of Detectives Division of Santa Rosita Police Department.

Oh, I'm sorry, ma'am!

He went that way! Get him! Come on! Go! Get him! Get him!

- Where is he? - Hey, there he is! There he is!

- Get him! Come back! - Get me out of HERE!!

Just don't sit there. Come on!

- Come on! Come on! - That's him!

KEEP OUT BUILDING CONDEMNED

- Come on! - Stop pushing, will ya?!

Wait a minute! Men, we got him. Now, you women stay here!

- What do you mean, "You women stay here"?! - You heard what he said, mother. Stay here!

- Come on, come on! Let's go! - What are you, puff?!

- Is he there? - [...] watch him, watch him! - Where'd he go?

Halt! Halt!

Now, wait a minute, listen!

YEAH!!

Stop pushing! Get the suitcase!

Look! Look up there!

...in this regard, and there is no doubt...

Those ladders are not safe!

Hey, ladders aren't safe! Get off!

Sylvester, what are you doing up there? You must be out of your mind!

- Hey, wait a minute! - Get the suitcase!

Sylvester! Come on down!

Don't you dare push me!

- Get back, lady, get back! - Get your fingers off me!

You hit it off! Don't you dare touch any of that money!

- Hey you! Don't stand down there! Get... - To your right!

Russell, hang on!

Dingy, I can't hold on!

Help us!

Get off my hand!

Move onto the ladder!

Hold on! Wait a minute! One at a time!

Did you hear me? One at a time!

All right! Get it off! All right, you'll see. You'll see!

Get on in alphabetical! I'm Benjy...

Will ya quit stepping on my head!

Get on the ladder. Get onto the ladder!

Don't leave me! Come back here! You can't leave me!

We can't control it. There's too many men on it.

Hold it steady. Watch it, she's whipping loose!

Wind us down, wind us down!

- Bringing! - Keep bringing [...]

I don't want the money! I don't want the money! Whoa!

- Look out! - AAHH!!

Get off! Get off!

She's going! Get out of there, calm!

EMELIIINE!

Help me, Mama!

It's all your fault.

It's all your fault right from the beginning to the end...

You know... even for a policeman...

...your behavior was ruddy outrageous.

Eh, you could've taken a fair share like the rest of us,

but no, you had to go and... grab up the whole scene, baby.

We had 350,000 bucks, right in our hands...

14 into $350,000...

- Oh, not again... - Shut up!

I wish I knew what they will gonna do to us.

But no matter what happens to us, what happens to you, I hope will be worse!

I don't think you have to worry too much about that.

My wife is divorcing me,

my mother-in-law is suing me for damages,

my daughter is applying to the courts to have her name changed,

my pension has been revoked,

and the only reason... that you 10 idiots...

...will very likely get off lightly...

...is because the judge will have me up there to throw the book at.

Aw, that's tough. Oh!

I'd like to think that sometime, maybe 10 or 20 years from now...

...there'd be something I could laugh at... anything.

Now, see here, you idiots! It's all your fault! Because if you hadn't...

Mama!

Don't you dare touch me! Get away from me! Let me go! Leave me alone...!

♪♪♪ THE END ♪♪♪