Original subtitles

[SNORING]

What could you possibly have in your nose

I don't have?

Oh, was I snoring?

I can't believe you're alive.

God. I dreamed we were really good friends

with Dean Martin.

MAN ON RADIO: It's 6:45 on a completely gross morning in New York.

Lincoln tunnel is--

Why do we let this man in our bedroom?

Will you run the shower and make the coffee?

Mmm.

I think I'm pregnant.

Just kidding.

Make the coffee.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Tell me why I love you like I do

♪ Tell me who can stop my heart

♪ As much as you

♪ Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine

♪ They say nobody's perfect

♪ Well, that's really true this time

♪ I don't have the answers I don't have a plan

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ So, help me understand

♪ What we do

♪ You can whisper in my ear

♪ Where we go

♪ Who knows what happens after here

♪ Let's take each other's hand

♪ As we jump into the final frontier

♪ I'm mad about you, baby

♪ Yeah!

♪ I'm mad about you ♪

Honey, we got only five seconds.

Not waiting for me.

If we're not on the subway by 8:00,

then all non-sticky seats are taken.

Listen, you don't have to pick up the dry cleaning today.

Okay. How come?

I never took it in.

It's still sitting in a shopping bag under my desk.

In your office?

I forgot it.

Or dry cleaning is in your... Honey,

people walk by there, strangers.

They look under your desk

and they see my soiled garments?

They're not on display.

They're under my desk.

You know what I am saying. Somebody drops a pencil

it rolls under your desk,

next thing you know some guy you've never met is walking around

with my pants on his head, you know.

How good could I feel about something like that?

It doesn't bother you

that we haven't had sex in five days?

Hello.

I just don't understand why it doesn't bother you?

It's been almost a week.

It's not a week.

Sunday will be a week. What's going on with us?

What's going on is that we're married five months,

and the sexual part is over.

See, I thought you understood that.

I'm sorry. That's what happens.

I play checkers in the park.

And you start arguing with buses. Come on.

It's not funny.

Are you serious? I'm very serious.

What's going on with us?

Nothing is going on.

It's just... It's... Stuff happens.

What stuff? Stuff, life stuff.

My life. Your life.

Look, Monday, I was editing film till two in the morning,

and then, Tuesday, you had the conference thing.

And then, then we saw my parents,

which, you know,

killed the mood Wednesday.

And, Frankly, sucked the life out of me Thursday. So...

So there you go. There's your week right there.

What can I say. I'm a woman. I have needs.

I understand. I'm young.

I wasn't arguing. I'm vital.

And beautiful.

Are my ears too big for my head?

And very neurotic. No, seriously.

Is my head's getting smaller?

You know, I didn't want to say anything, but, yes, and for some time now.

Stop.

Listen, tonight, can we just do nothing?

Really? Really.

Don't toy with me, white boy.

I'm serious.

Just tonight. We'll both come home early,

And, you know, we'll have dinner.

And sex.

I really think we should have sex.

Can I please finish?

We have dinner at 7:00.

Figure foreplay, 8:15.

If we're naked at 8:30,

we're, you know, wheezing and sweating at 9:00.

Perfect. All right.

I'm going to make lasagna.

You can do that?

I can try.

We can open that nice wine

we got from Fran and Mark.

Oh, no. What?

Fran and Mark. We're having dinner with Fran and Mark.

What are you talking about? We have plans.

I had no knowledge of this.

Yes. You did.

What? You never said anything.

Last Friday as we left the apartment,

you said, "what are we doing for dinner?"

I said, "we have no plans, but the next Friday,

"we're seeing Fran and Mark."

What?

You were out of town last Friday.

Damn it.

But a nice try. That was really good.

So great. What are we gonna do? We call them off.

That's not nice. We're always canceling on them.

Yeah. 'Cause we don't like them.

But they're such good friends.

Just call Fran. Tell her that we can't do it.

You call her. You should. She's your friend.

Besides you're much better at that kind of thing.

That's ridiculous. Can we discuss it in the elevator, please?

What? What is it now?

I just have to leave the window open for the dog.

Honey. It's an apartment, it's not a Volvo.

Why do we go through this?

Because the kid who walks him can't come till 3:00,

and the heat's on.

A burglar is not going to climb up 11 stories.

Cat burglars, that's all they do, climb and steal.

Honey, come on, if we're not out of here in two seconds

I'm going in your closet and moving all your clothes around.

How does that mean I don't like your outfit?

You don't. I love your outfit.

Oh, you're out of your mind.

See, this is why you guys are so good together.

Why?

Because you make time for each other.

Mom and dad never did that.

Does this look like enough to you?

Well, I'm not that hungry.

Oh, did you want to stay?

No. No.

I'm not going to interfere with your date.

Besides, I already have plans.

Oh, anything good?

I'm going to wallow.

Why?

Because you got the husband and the good hair.

Stop it.

I broke up with Arthur,

that creep from Fort Lee.

Oh, the one who looks like William Devane?

Willem Dafoe.

William Devane? Who am I, mom?

What happened?

I don't even what to talk about it.

He just doesn't want to get married again.

So neither do you.

Yeah, but he doesn't want to date.

He says he likes me too much to date.

He likes you too much to date?

Where do you meet these people?

Hey. That's what's out there.

Trust me. You married the perfect guy.

Oh, yeah. Unless you're like, sitting in a restaurant

starving to death waiting to order.

"Uh, I'm thinking soup, but..."

"They only have bisque.

"And I'm uneasy with bisque.

"I don't know why."

Believe me. Nothing's perfect.

Oops!

You're gonna serve that now?

No. Not till about 7:00.

Ooh, look. A cute girl.

Look at you guys.

Lisa.

Hi.

Don't worry. I'm not staying. What?

I'm not staying.

No. Hey, whatever, sure.

How's everything, good?

How's the guy from Fort Lee?

More importantly,

how is the new car running, good?

They stole my stereo and slashed the seats.

No! Where?

I was at Roosevelt hospital

the night I had my panic attack.

Yeah but you're insured, right?

I forgot to send in my premium.

Hey, who needs insurance

as long as you've got your health, right?

And I'm getting my period...

Again.

PAUL: Oh, look what happened here!

Would you excuse me for one minute?

Subtle. What?

What? What is she doing here?

We're supposed to have foreplay in 11 minutes.

She just got dumped. She's so depressed.

Lisa, depressed, really?

What was I supposed to do? Not let her come over.

If I'd walked in here tonight with Selby,

you'd have gone nuts.

That's different. Why, why is that different?

Because she's my sister,

and he's over every night of our life.

And she's not, right? You know,

tonight was supposed to be you and me.

That was the whole purpose.

Okay, if it means that much to you I'll ask her to leave.

Who are you calling? Selby, what's up?

Don't you dare.

Lasagna.

Is it vegetarian? 'Cause he won't eat that.

If he comes over, I'm walking out of here.

No, why would she mind? It will be crazy.

Seriously, I'll go out with my sister.

Where? To do what?

Wherever, to do whatever I want.

We'll see you when you get here. Right.

Well, so much for our evening alone.

It don't look too good right now.

Why don't you just marry Selby. You'll probably be a lot happier.

Hey, send your sister home. I'll call off Selby right now.

You're so cruel.

I'm cruel? That's... that's interesting.

I'm cruel.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Tell me that you called Fran and mark.

You said you'd call. You said you were gonna...

Forget it.

Don't tell me to "Forget it"?

Who invites them and complains we don't spends the night together.

Well, I changed my mind. I see.

I don't even want to have a relationship with you.

Oh, that's very nice.

BOTH: Hi!

PAUL: I'll be right back. JAMIE: What do you mean?

Sorry, we'll be right back.

Honey... Sweetie, can I say something?

Flatisn't always more.

We're going to have enough.

The only one who's gonna eat is Selby.

I had a big lunch. Lisa's dieting.

Mark and Fran are gonna split a piece.

You're not gonna eat anyway 'cause you're mad.

I'm not mad.

I feel like I should go home and change clothes.

I mean I didn't realize you were having people over.

Well, neither did we.

Are you guys fighting?

We're not fighting. This is just how we live.

Don't mind me. I just need ice.

Maybe you could chip some off my wife's mood.

Ow!

Oh, I'm sorry.

You have no ice?

That's the one thing I asked you to do.

Selby said that he's bringing the ice.

Well, Selby isn't here yet.

Yes, he is. He just walked in,

and he's already torturing my husband.

Seriously, how often you cheat on Fran? What?

What?

Come on. You can tell me, man to man.

What kind of question's that?

Is Fran still seeing that transit cop?

What?

Schmucko, come here.

I'll be back.

What's going on?

I told you to bring ice, but you forgot it in the cab.

Got it.

How do you forget ice in a cab?

I don't know. I'm such a jerk.

The driver had one of those little coolers in the front seat.

I asked him to keep it there for me

so it wouldn't melt.

Like a dope, I forgot.

You guys are like the Abbott and Costello of liars.

She's tough.

Very tough.

Hey, looks like the party's in here.

I love this. This always happens.

Why do people congregate in the kitchen?

You know what, 'cause nobody wants to say,

"Get out so I can fight with my spouse in private."

I got the cheese.

Uh, I have a plate.

Mark, could you bring these inside, please?

No problem.

Come on, James, let's start the salad.

Fran, Paul and I need a second.

Oh. Are you okay? Mmm-hmm.

Is everything all right?

Can I help?

Give these to Mark.

He knows where they go?

Yes. Yes, he does.

I'm definitely going to call them If I ever move.

If you move.

What? No. Sorry.

We.If we move. Okay?

Kill me 'cause I said Iinstead of we.

You know why I said that because

subliminally that means I hate you.

Ow! There's a magnet in that thing.

I just don't know why's this all so hard?

What? This, everything... Marriage.

It's supposed to be different than this.

Says who?

Everyone.

Well, they're wrong. It's just like this.

It's exactly like this.

According to who?

Everybody. I asked around.

Look.

There's always going to be stuff but you know that's...

I put up with your crap.

And you put up with my crap.

That's marriage?

This is what I'm thinking.

Great.

All I know if we keep this up, we're going to die.

'Cause I'm either going to burst into flames,

or I'm going to strangle you.

And I really don't want to do either one.

What do you want?

I just want to be married to you.

What if this lasagna sucks?

What if it doesn't?

What if they--

More.

Come here.

I think there's people out there.

They got enough chips to them occupied.

What?

Come here.

Where are you going? Come here.

Come here.

There's people out there.

Nobody come in for a while.

It's a big surprise.

You don't scare me.

Listen.

What do you think the surprise is?

I know what it is, but I can't tell you.

You know? What, they told you?

Mark, please.

No, no. Who told you? Paul?

Come on. You're making me uncomfortable here.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

JAMIE: You think this makes me a bad hostess?

PAUL: Not at all.

JAMIE: Can you imagine if Fran walked in?

PAUL: Honey. Fran is not the image I need right now.

JAMIE: Sorry.

It's probably a big deal over nothing.

The first few times we had people over,

the littlest things can set you off.

If I told you I once cried

because I didn't have a gravy boat,

would you believe me?

Are you sure Jamie does it like that?

'Cause the last time we were here,

the silver was next to the plates.

She just switched to this method last week.

PAUL: There's a very sharp corner

digging right into my thigh.

[JAMIE MOANING]

PAUL: Our next table has to be a king.

[POTS AND PANS CLATTER]

They're probably baking.

Fran?

I'm not sure.

No, I've heard baking before.

It doesn't sound like that.

Fran?

Of course, my birthday two weeks ago.

If she's baking me a cake,

I will absolutely kill her.

[POTS CRASH]

Fran, you can't go in there.

Are you two okay?

[TIMER BUZZING]

You know, speed is usually considered

a bad thing in this event.

This is the most fun we've ever had

with Fran and Mark here.

This was great.

We have to do it again and soon.

Well, soon as humanly possible.

Oh, did we tell you guys? We're going on a cruise.

That's wonderful. Where? When?

End of the month. Puerto Vallarta.

Eight days. Oh, that's nice.

Fella in my office went. Said it was fantastic.

The food, the whether unbelievable.

You guys should come with us.

No. We couldn't. No, don't be silly.

We'd love it. It would be nice to have the company.

Fran?

[STAMMERING] More company.

Company for the two of us, for both of us.

Two couples, go as two couples.

Okay, okay, okay. You misunderstood.

Okay, because they can't just pack up

and leave right away, right?

You now it's funny, because we can.

End of the month is perfect for us.

Fran?

You get yourself into these things.

We're going alone.

We're going to go alone.

Because I think it's romantic that way.

We were looking forward, but I understand.

Okay. I'm going.

Would you please take a cab.

Oh, come on, subway's faster.

Honey, the subway's full of degenerates.

How am I going to meet anyone if I take a cab?

Fran. We're putting her in a cab.

No, no, no.

Ahem.

[TV PLAYING]

Ooh. Ahem.

Gee. Is it 11:15 already?

Oh, yeah. No, go to bed.

Thanks for dinner, Selby.

Don't mention it.

Can you believe this?

How can they not realize

that Clark Kent is superman?

These people are reporters.

What's going on tomorrow?

I think I'm supposed to go out with that girl Dora.

The dancer?

Unbelievable legs.

Ouch. Very muscular.

Why do you got to hurt to me? Got a sister, too.

Stop it.

JAMIE: Honey, coming to bed?

Man, it's like a work whistle.

It's very easy to make fun, isn't it?

Let me tell you something.

Someday you're going to hear a voice just like that.

And, amazingly enough, you're gonna say,

"In a second, sweetie."

And you too will shove your best friend out the door.

And go to bed.

You sure you don't want to do something?

I love chest hair.

What you have there is plenty good.

No point in us both having the same thing.

I think my sister knew.

I think Selby knew.

How? I told him.

Paul.

No guy does that without telling somebody.

I guess we haven't lost the magic, huh?

Well, for tonight we have.

You know what I mean.

See, now I'm afraid.

You might be out of things to worry about.

I love you.

I love you more.

Mmm.

We having thanksgiving with your parents or mine?

I thought I'll just come visit you at the institution.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]