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Family Guy - 8x15
Brian Griffin's House of Payne
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00:00:12,959 --> 00:00:15,292
Sync by elderman
for www.addic7ed.com
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00:00:15,456 --> 00:00:17,615
Fully eight months
on patrol and nothin'.
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00:00:17,779 --> 00:00:20,063
You know, Rupert, I miss
the Earth so much.
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00:00:20,227 --> 00:00:21,270
I miss my wife.
6
00:00:21,434 --> 00:00:25,874
It's lonely out in space...
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00:00:26,247 --> 00:00:28,008
Uh-oh, Rupert,
we've got company,
8
00:00:28,172 --> 00:00:32,232
and I don't think
it's the Avon lady.
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00:00:32,395 --> 00:00:33,641
Strap yourself in.
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00:00:33,805 --> 00:00:35,097
No matter what happens,
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00:00:35,261 --> 00:00:39,701
it's been a privilege
to serve under you.
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Don't relax yet, Rupert,
13
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those fighters had to have
been coming from somewhere.
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00:01:19,975 --> 00:01:24,446
Oh, my God.
15
00:01:42,965 --> 00:01:45,605
Wait a minute, Rupert,
16
00:01:45,769 --> 00:01:47,084
there's a weapons
systems cooling duct
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00:01:47,248 --> 00:01:48,802
on the far side
of the hull.
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00:01:48,966 --> 00:01:50,890
If we can get just
one good shot at it,
19
00:01:51,054 --> 00:01:55,494
we can blow that fat
bastard out of the cosmos.
20
00:02:27,415 --> 00:02:29,451
Uh-oh, Rupert, our
main blasters are gone.
21
00:02:29,615 --> 00:02:34,055
Looks like this is
a suicide mission.
22
00:02:41,067 --> 00:02:44,214
Got you! Got you! Got you!
Got you! Got you!
23
00:02:44,378 --> 00:02:46,567
Stewie, get lost. Daddy's
trying to watch the ball game.
24
00:02:46,731 --> 00:02:48,819
You can't talk. I've knocked
out your communication systems.
25
00:02:48,983 --> 00:02:50,132
Hey, hey, look, Stewie,
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00:02:50,296 --> 00:02:51,610
Rupert wants to go play
down in the basement.
27
00:02:51,774 --> 00:02:52,988
Hey, hey, Stewie,
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00:02:53,152 --> 00:02:54,570
I'm gonna go play
down in the basement.
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00:02:54,733 --> 00:02:55,745
Here I go. ♪
Do-do-do-do-do. ♪
30
00:02:55,909 --> 00:02:57,123
What? Why, Rupert?
31
00:02:57,287 --> 00:02:58,301
Why do you want to play
in the basement?
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00:02:58,464 --> 00:02:59,946
I don't know,
I just feel like
33
00:03:00,109 --> 00:03:01,423
there might be some
fun stuff down there.
34
00:03:01,586 --> 00:03:02,699
I'm not following
your logic.
35
00:03:02,863 --> 00:03:04,380
And why are you talking
different than usual?
36
00:03:04,544 --> 00:03:05,489
Here I go.
37
00:03:05,653 --> 00:03:07,874
Rupert, get back here.
38
00:03:08,038 --> 00:03:09,253
Rupert?
39
00:03:09,417 --> 00:03:10,664
Oh, there you are.
40
00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:13,354
Wow, look at all
the old stuff down here.
41
00:03:13,518 --> 00:03:17,588
Hello, what's this?
42
00:03:17,751 --> 00:03:19,972
"What I Learned
on Jefferson Street.
43
00:03:20,136 --> 00:03:22,290
Written by H.
Brian Griffin."
44
00:03:22,454 --> 00:03:26,894
Oh, yes.
45
00:03:31,780 --> 00:03:32,972
What's this?
46
00:03:33,135 --> 00:03:34,114
What the hell...
47
00:03:34,278 --> 00:03:35,356
Where the hell
did this come from?
48
00:03:35,520 --> 00:03:36,601
What is it, Brian?
49
00:03:36,765 --> 00:03:38,246
It's the first thing
I ever wrote.
50
00:03:38,410 --> 00:03:40,161
It's a script for a
television show, a drama.
51
00:03:40,325 --> 00:03:42,010
I had an idea
for a script once.
52
00:03:42,174 --> 00:03:44,228
It's basically Jaws, except
when the guys in the boat
53
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:45,740
are going after Jaws,
54
00:03:45,904 --> 00:03:48,024
they look around and there's
an even bigger Jaws,
55
00:03:48,188 --> 00:03:51,450
so the guys have to team up
with Jaws to get bigger Jaws.
56
00:03:51,613 --> 00:03:53,197
I call it Big Jaws.
57
00:03:53,361 --> 00:03:55,045
God, I haven't looked
at this in years.
58
00:03:55,209 --> 00:03:57,497
I don't even remember
if it's any good or not.
59
00:03:57,660 --> 00:03:59,682
Oh, wait a minute.
60
00:03:59,846 --> 00:04:01,798
Yeah, yeah, this is all
coming back to me.
61
00:04:01,962 --> 00:04:04,788
You know, this is actually
not too bad a piece of work.
62
00:04:04,952 --> 00:04:07,339
This was... this was kind
of deep as I recall.
63
00:04:07,503 --> 00:04:09,455
You know, Lois, you-you
might actually be interested
64
00:04:09,619 --> 00:04:11,638
in reading this.
65
00:04:11,801 --> 00:04:13,285
You-you...
you might actually...
66
00:04:13,448 --> 00:04:15,871
You-you might like this.
67
00:04:16,035 --> 00:04:20,475
You should look at it.
68
00:04:24,013 --> 00:04:28,535
All right, damn it!
69
00:04:28,944 --> 00:04:31,409
So, have you read
the script yet?
70
00:04:31,573 --> 00:04:34,124
Oh, I'm sorry, Brian,
I haven't gotten around to it.
71
00:04:34,288 --> 00:04:35,565
Why not now, you know?
72
00:04:35,729 --> 00:04:36,773
Just get it
off your plate.
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00:04:36,936 --> 00:04:38,349
Oh, gosh, you know what?
74
00:04:38,513 --> 00:04:40,361
I don't even know what I did
with the copy that you ga...
75
00:04:40,525 --> 00:04:42,245
Oh, there it is.
76
00:04:42,409 --> 00:04:43,787
Hey, you know what else
would be great?
77
00:04:43,951 --> 00:04:45,865
Why-why don't you put check
marks next to scenes you like?
78
00:04:46,029 --> 00:04:48,010
Well, I don't have a...
Here's a pen.
79
00:04:48,174 --> 00:04:50,624
You know, I'll-I'll just
leave it for you right here.
80
00:04:50,788 --> 00:04:53,205
Okay. Thank you, Brian.
81
00:04:53,369 --> 00:04:55,148
Hey, you know what I'll do
to make it even easier?
82
00:04:55,312 --> 00:04:57,293
I'll just go ahead and
place this in your hand.
83
00:04:57,457 --> 00:04:58,734
There we are.
84
00:04:58,898 --> 00:05:01,115
And now when you go, "Oh,
where's that crazy pen?"
85
00:05:01,279 --> 00:05:02,523
Well, there it is.
86
00:05:02,686 --> 00:05:03,965
It's in your hand.
87
00:05:04,128 --> 00:05:06,344
Brian, I'm not gonna read this
with you standing here.
88
00:05:06,508 --> 00:05:08,424
Oh, it's okay,
I don't mind.
89
00:05:08,588 --> 00:05:13,028
Go for a ride in the car?
90
00:05:14,843 --> 00:05:19,365
Come on!
91
00:05:20,208 --> 00:05:23,310
Why the hell's it taking her
so long to read that thing?
92
00:05:23,473 --> 00:05:25,389
I don't know, I saw
her giving Joe notes
93
00:05:25,552 --> 00:05:26,528
on his pilot this morning.
94
00:05:26,692 --> 00:05:27,567
What?
95
00:05:27,731 --> 00:05:30,316
Brian, your script...
96
00:05:30,480 --> 00:05:32,629
It was enchanting.
97
00:05:32,792 --> 00:05:34,472
This Brian Griffin-
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00:05:34,636 --> 00:05:36,282
I've never met this
Brian Griffin.
99
00:05:36,446 --> 00:05:37,757
I would have told you
last night,
100
00:05:37,921 --> 00:05:40,171
but I was 100% sure
you ripped it off.
101
00:05:40,335 --> 00:05:42,015
But after spending
the last 18 hours
102
00:05:42,179 --> 00:05:43,356
on the Internet
and in libraries
103
00:05:43,520 --> 00:05:44,765
trying to find traces
of it somewhere,
104
00:05:44,929 --> 00:05:46,813
I couldn't find a thing.
105
00:05:46,977 --> 00:05:49,126
Well, I-I'm... I'm
so happy you liked it.
106
00:05:49,290 --> 00:05:50,634
Look, I don't want
to get your hopes up,
107
00:05:50,798 --> 00:05:53,115
but Daddy's got some
connections over at CBS,
108
00:05:53,279 --> 00:05:56,200
and I think he could
help you get this on TV.
109
00:05:56,364 --> 00:05:58,312
That's amazing,
Lois! Thank you!
110
00:05:58,476 --> 00:06:01,095
Oh, I am very
proud of you.
111
00:06:01,258 --> 00:06:02,937
My God, a TV pilot.
112
00:06:03,101 --> 00:06:05,412
Wow, Brian, you must
feel like Hitler did
113
00:06:05,576 --> 00:06:07,525
after he wrote Mein Kampf.
114
00:06:07,688 --> 00:06:10,877
Well, we read it and
we don't like it.
115
00:06:11,040 --> 00:06:13,560
We love it!
116
00:06:13,723 --> 00:06:15,338
You got me!
117
00:06:15,502 --> 00:06:19,942
I could have killed you,
Mr. Weinberg!
118
00:06:31,983 --> 00:06:35,790
"Dear Diary, still no sign
of that tampon from last week,
119
00:06:35,953 --> 00:06:39,477
but the headaches
are getting worse."
120
00:06:39,641 --> 00:06:44,082
Chris, what are you
doing?! Give me that!
121
00:06:48,277 --> 00:06:52,798
Well, I'm off to buy
imaginary groceries.
122
00:06:57,621 --> 00:06:59,381
Do you think he's okay?
123
00:06:59,545 --> 00:07:00,791
I don't know.
124
00:07:00,955 --> 00:07:02,233
You idiot,
this is your fault.
125
00:07:02,397 --> 00:07:03,407
My fault?
126
00:07:03,570 --> 00:07:04,915
You were the one
chasing me.
127
00:07:05,079 --> 00:07:06,490
You were the one
reading my diary.
128
00:07:06,654 --> 00:07:07,597
Kids, breakfast.
129
00:07:07,760 --> 00:07:08,670
What do we do?
130
00:07:08,834 --> 00:07:09,776
Is he breathing?
131
00:07:09,940 --> 00:07:10,916
It-it looks like it.
132
00:07:11,079 --> 00:07:15,520
That's a good sign, right?
133
00:07:22,765 --> 00:07:25,967
Brian, I'm afraid I'm going to
have to be blunt with you. Yeah?
134
00:07:26,131 --> 00:07:28,078
We love this pilot!
135
00:07:28,242 --> 00:07:31,598
Oh, my God, I felt
like Hitler just then.
136
00:07:31,762 --> 00:07:33,343
What?
It was a joke.
137
00:07:33,506 --> 00:07:36,393
I just-I just said
I felt like Hitler.
138
00:07:36,557 --> 00:07:39,241
What?
Nobody here's Jewish, right?
139
00:07:39,405 --> 00:07:42,391
Uh, gee, I don't know,
are you Jewish, Gordon?
140
00:07:42,555 --> 00:07:44,469
Gee, I don't know,
Jeremy, are you?
141
00:07:44,633 --> 00:07:46,279
I- I had no idea.
142
00:07:46,443 --> 00:07:47,585
I'm-I'm sorry.
143
00:07:47,749 --> 00:07:50,300
Hey, Brian.
We're both Italian.
144
00:07:50,464 --> 00:07:54,857
You're in.
145
00:07:55,022 --> 00:07:59,497
That's a good one.
That's a good one.
146
00:08:04,208 --> 00:08:05,396
Chris, I'm worried.
147
00:08:05,560 --> 00:08:06,770
Stewie's still
unconscious.
148
00:08:06,933 --> 00:08:08,077
Maybe he's just sleeping.
149
00:08:08,241 --> 00:08:09,417
Is Stewie in here?
150
00:08:09,581 --> 00:08:10,691
Ye-yes.
151
00:08:10,855 --> 00:08:11,999
Well, can you
give him to me?
152
00:08:12,163 --> 00:08:13,406
It's time
for his dinner.
153
00:08:13,570 --> 00:08:15,083
Oh, don't worry, Mom,
we'll bring him down.
154
00:08:15,246 --> 00:08:17,667
Anything I can do to make
your life a little easier.
155
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,747
Well, you could always
grab the vacuum
156
00:08:19,911 --> 00:08:21,559
and clean up the
living room floor.
157
00:08:21,723 --> 00:08:23,235
Oh sure, I'll
take care of that.
158
00:08:23,399 --> 00:08:25,516
Are you, uh, running
off to your job?
159
00:08:25,680 --> 00:08:26,723
Oh.
160
00:08:26,886 --> 00:08:27,963
Yeah.
161
00:08:28,126 --> 00:08:32,567
Okay.
Yeah.
162
00:08:33,979 --> 00:08:36,377
Kids, what is
taking so long?
163
00:08:36,541 --> 00:08:40,981
Dinner's ready.
164
00:08:41,420 --> 00:08:45,025
Oh, look at my
little cowboy.
165
00:08:45,188 --> 00:08:49,629
Come on, Stewie, up
in your high chair.
166
00:08:49,801 --> 00:08:52,534
Boy, he must be starving.
167
00:08:52,698 --> 00:08:54,311
Yeah, he's really
chowing down.
168
00:08:54,475 --> 00:08:55,987
Hey, how's the food,
Stewie?
169
00:08:56,151 --> 00:08:58,032
Oy, blimey,
it's right delicious,
170
00:08:58,196 --> 00:09:00,044
I do declare.
Wacka wacka.
171
00:09:00,208 --> 00:09:02,960
Brian, have you decided
who's gonna star in your show?
172
00:09:03,124 --> 00:09:04,537
Well, it's a tough role.
173
00:09:04,700 --> 00:09:06,682
I mean, Byron is a
25-year-old single father
174
00:09:06,846 --> 00:09:08,325
going back to
finish college
175
00:09:08,489 --> 00:09:10,169
so he can do right
by his four-year-old daughter.
176
00:09:10,333 --> 00:09:12,113
So it's got to be somebody
who can project
177
00:09:12,277 --> 00:09:14,494
a certain amount of
world-wizened sophistication,
178
00:09:14,657 --> 00:09:16,036
while at the same time retaining
179
00:09:16,200 --> 00:09:17,913
a certain youthfully
passionate idealism.
180
00:09:18,077 --> 00:09:19,724
You know who'd be
good? Big Jaws.
181
00:09:19,888 --> 00:09:21,399
Actually, in my mind,
there's only one actor
182
00:09:21,563 --> 00:09:23,745
who could do this role:
Elijah Wood.
183
00:09:23,909 --> 00:09:25,253
Oh, Elijah Wood.
184
00:09:25,417 --> 00:09:28,103
I got a little bit
of a crush on him, I have.
185
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:30,282
Oh, oh, look,
Lois, wishbone.
186
00:09:30,445 --> 00:09:31,522
Okay, ready?
187
00:09:31,685 --> 00:09:34,941
One, two, three.
188
00:09:35,105 --> 00:09:35,947
Yes!
189
00:09:36,111 --> 00:09:40,551
I got five seconds.
190
00:09:42,333 --> 00:09:46,854
Hah! No gravity.
191
00:09:49,169 --> 00:09:51,268
There he is!
192
00:09:51,431 --> 00:09:52,407
Oh, go on.
193
00:09:52,571 --> 00:09:55,860
No, really, go on.
194
00:09:56,023 --> 00:09:58,008
Hi, I'm Todd Goldstein,
195
00:09:58,172 --> 00:10:00,359
senior executive of programming
here at the network.
196
00:10:00,523 --> 00:10:02,339
We are so happy
to be working with you.
197
00:10:02,503 --> 00:10:04,517
I hope you brought the magic
wand you wrote this with.
198
00:10:04,681 --> 00:10:06,060
Yep, it's right here.
199
00:10:06,224 --> 00:10:08,339
Watch, I'll turn this beautiful
princess into a toad.
200
00:10:08,503 --> 00:10:11,290
Bing.
Ribbit.
201
00:10:11,454 --> 00:10:12,564
Oh, all right,
I can tell
202
00:10:12,728 --> 00:10:14,274
this is gonna be
a fun process.
203
00:10:14,438 --> 00:10:16,659
You know, Brian, you've spun
gold into these pages,
204
00:10:16,823 --> 00:10:19,243
and it's our job to bring
that gold to the screen.
205
00:10:19,407 --> 00:10:21,829
So, what do you say we get this
casting session started, huh?
206
00:10:21,992 --> 00:10:23,505
Let's do it.
207
00:10:23,669 --> 00:10:26,589
All right!
Yeah!
208
00:10:26,752 --> 00:10:28,834
Okay, now obviously,
we love Elijah Wood
209
00:10:28,998 --> 00:10:31,248
for the part of Byron
as much as you do.
210
00:10:31,412 --> 00:10:32,922
The audition
is just a formality.
211
00:10:33,086 --> 00:10:34,095
Let's bring him in.
212
00:10:34,259 --> 00:10:35,770
Elijah?
213
00:10:35,934 --> 00:10:37,011
Hi, everyone.
214
00:10:37,175 --> 00:10:39,760
Hey, Elijah, how are
you? How you doing?
215
00:10:39,924 --> 00:10:41,134
So should I just
jump into this?
216
00:10:41,297 --> 00:10:42,877
Whenever you're ready.
217
00:10:43,041 --> 00:10:44,586
Okay, I'll read
you in, Elijah.
218
00:10:44,750 --> 00:10:46,697
Now, this is the scene where
Byron's professor fails him
219
00:10:46,861 --> 00:10:48,239
for missing the
chemistry midterm
220
00:10:48,403 --> 00:10:50,619
to take his daughter
to the doctor.
221
00:10:50,783 --> 00:10:54,038
I'm sorry, Byron, missing the
midterm is an automatic failure.
222
00:10:54,202 --> 00:10:56,418
Go ahead, Professor Watkins,
fail me if you want.
223
00:10:56,582 --> 00:10:58,328
Give me an "F" on the exam.
224
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:00,708
I don't care because
I got an "A" today...
225
00:11:00,872 --> 00:11:02,183
as a dad.
226
00:11:02,347 --> 00:11:03,658
Maybe this is news to you,
227
00:11:03,822 --> 00:11:06,038
but love isn't some element
on your periodic table.
228
00:11:06,202 --> 00:11:07,312
So, you know what?
229
00:11:07,475 --> 00:11:09,356
Keep your chromium
and magnesium,
230
00:11:09,520 --> 00:11:12,004
because I discovered
a much more precious element.
231
00:11:12,168 --> 00:11:14,757
I discovered Dadmium.
232
00:11:14,921 --> 00:11:16,568
Wow.
233
00:11:16,732 --> 00:11:19,083
Does that audition come
with a box of tissues?
234
00:11:19,247 --> 00:11:20,323
That was a
great read.
235
00:11:20,487 --> 00:11:22,771
Thanks, everybody.
236
00:11:22,935 --> 00:11:24,380
I mean, come on.
How great is he?
237
00:11:24,544 --> 00:11:27,028
Wow. He's amazing.
That's our guy.
238
00:11:27,191 --> 00:11:28,301
That's our Byron.
239
00:11:28,464 --> 00:11:29,507
Great. Then we're
good to go.
240
00:11:29,671 --> 00:11:31,552
Look, since we're playing
with house money,
241
00:11:31,716 --> 00:11:34,066
we do have
one more guy.
242
00:11:34,230 --> 00:11:35,508
What?
- Oh, don't worry.
243
00:11:35,672 --> 00:11:36,582
He's not Byron.
244
00:11:36,745 --> 00:11:38,224
Somebody upstairs
threw out a name,
245
00:11:38,388 --> 00:11:39,263
got real excited
about it,
246
00:11:39,427 --> 00:11:40,671
so we're just
playing the game.
247
00:11:40,835 --> 00:11:42,884
Okay, so who?
248
00:11:43,048 --> 00:11:45,163
Hey, what's up, douche bags?
249
00:11:45,327 --> 00:11:49,118
I'm here to audition
for this stupid pilot.
250
00:11:49,282 --> 00:11:50,359
James Woods?
251
00:11:50,523 --> 00:11:52,203
Thanks for
coming in, Jimmy.
252
00:11:52,367 --> 00:11:53,544
Do you need
a copy of the scene?
253
00:11:53,708 --> 00:11:55,087
Nah, I got it memorized.
254
00:11:55,250 --> 00:11:58,372
Just like your
wife's phone number.
255
00:11:58,536 --> 00:11:59,646
No, he didn't!
256
00:11:59,809 --> 00:12:01,188
I do, though.
I have it memorized.
257
00:12:01,352 --> 00:12:02,395
Wait a second. I
don't want this guy
258
00:12:02,559 --> 00:12:03,602
anywhere near
this show!
259
00:12:03,765 --> 00:12:05,344
He's been harassing
my family for years!
260
00:12:05,508 --> 00:12:09,868
He stalked my best friend and
then he stole his identity!
261
00:12:10,033 --> 00:12:11,680
Oh, my God.
That's an episode!
262
00:12:11,844 --> 00:12:15,167
Brian, will you
read him in?
263
00:12:15,331 --> 00:12:16,642
I'm sorry, Byron.
264
00:12:16,806 --> 00:12:18,921
Missing the midterm
is an automatic failure.
265
00:12:19,085 --> 00:12:21,134
Hey, science face,
I got an "F" for you.
266
00:12:21,298 --> 00:12:23,882
It stands for "FUCK you."
267
00:12:24,046 --> 00:12:25,123
There he is!
268
00:12:25,287 --> 00:12:26,296
Hey, and guess what?
269
00:12:26,460 --> 00:12:30,900
I discovered a new element.
270
00:12:31,172 --> 00:12:33,470
Okay, thanks a lot,
everybody. I got to go.
271
00:12:33,634 --> 00:12:36,555
I got some school
bus seats to sniff.
272
00:12:36,719 --> 00:12:38,131
Seriously,
stop it!
273
00:12:38,295 --> 00:12:39,942
Okay, did everyone else
feel that?
274
00:12:40,105 --> 00:12:40,913
I felt it.
275
00:12:41,077 --> 00:12:42,455
Oh, I felt it, too.
276
00:12:42,618 --> 00:12:44,265
I felt whatever the most senior
executive in this room felt.
277
00:12:44,429 --> 00:12:45,740
Okay, good.
So we all felt it.
278
00:12:45,904 --> 00:12:47,718
Wait, you're not seriously
considering him, are you?
279
00:12:47,882 --> 00:12:49,629
James Woods is insane.
280
00:12:49,793 --> 00:12:51,271
And on top of that,
he's, like, 60.
281
00:12:51,435 --> 00:12:53,215
The character of Byron
is 25 years old.
282
00:12:53,379 --> 00:12:54,389
I know, I know.
283
00:12:54,553 --> 00:12:56,970
But what if he wasn't?
284
00:12:57,134 --> 00:12:58,077
What? But he is.
285
00:12:58,241 --> 00:12:59,183
...n't.
286
00:12:59,347 --> 00:13:00,692
My god, this
is a nightmare.
287
00:13:00,856 --> 00:13:02,603
I thought you said you weren't
gonna mess with my show.
288
00:13:02,766 --> 00:13:04,112
It's a small
change, Brian.
289
00:13:04,276 --> 00:13:05,453
You won't
even notice it.
290
00:13:05,617 --> 00:13:07,062
You guys aren't gonna
believe this.
291
00:13:07,226 --> 00:13:08,303
Call a tow truck.
292
00:13:08,467 --> 00:13:12,907
I just banged
into some homo's Prius.
293
00:13:13,312 --> 00:13:15,678
This is Rob, our director.
294
00:13:15,841 --> 00:13:18,624
Hey, Brian. Really looking
forward to making your show.
295
00:13:18,788 --> 00:13:21,172
What's, uh, wha-what's
with all those empty seats?
296
00:13:21,336 --> 00:13:22,781
Well, that's where
the audience is gonna sit.
297
00:13:22,945 --> 00:13:24,122
Audience?
298
00:13:24,286 --> 00:13:25,630
This isn't a sitcom.
It's a drama.
299
00:13:25,794 --> 00:13:29,083
Well, we thought it would be a
lot funnier if it was a sitcom.
300
00:13:29,247 --> 00:13:30,826
It's-It's-It's not
supposed to be funny.
301
00:13:30,990 --> 00:13:32,938
It's a serious drama
about a single father
302
00:13:33,101 --> 00:13:34,446
raising his
four-year-old daughter.
303
00:13:34,610 --> 00:13:36,390
Oh, right. That's
the other thing.
304
00:13:36,554 --> 00:13:38,569
Now, this is just a thought,
but we're doing it.
305
00:13:38,733 --> 00:13:40,011
She's 18.
What?
306
00:13:40,174 --> 00:13:41,753
It was James Woods' idea
307
00:13:41,917 --> 00:13:43,463
and we thought it was
just the right hook.
308
00:13:43,627 --> 00:13:45,041
I mean, how
great is that?
309
00:13:45,205 --> 00:13:48,293
A father and a daughter,
both in college together?
310
00:13:48,456 --> 00:13:50,371
Hey, do you guys think this
outfit is too revealing?
311
00:13:50,534 --> 00:13:51,645
What-what do
you think, Brian?
312
00:13:51,808 --> 00:13:52,717
I mean, what-what
do you think
313
00:13:52,881 --> 00:13:54,024
of the ta-tas,
you know what I mean?
314
00:13:54,188 --> 00:13:56,271
Can we do better? I think
we can do better, right?
315
00:13:56,435 --> 00:13:57,914
Who is this? Where'd
you get this girl?
316
00:13:58,078 --> 00:14:02,518
Oh, by the way,
I need a chimp sidekick.
317
00:14:04,533 --> 00:14:06,126
Maybe we should take him
to the hospital.
318
00:14:06,290 --> 00:14:07,601
I think the maggots
have evolved
319
00:14:07,765 --> 00:14:12,206
to the point that they've
developed space travel.
320
00:14:13,583 --> 00:14:15,612
We just gotta clean
the wound, Meg.
321
00:14:15,776 --> 00:14:18,328
Hand me that
scrub brush.
322
00:14:18,492 --> 00:14:19,434
Hey, Chris.
323
00:14:19,598 --> 00:14:23,121
Hey-Hey, Dad.
324
00:14:23,285 --> 00:14:26,071
So, question: How long has
Stewie been unconscious?
325
00:14:26,235 --> 00:14:27,412
Oh my God,
Chris, he knows!
326
00:14:27,576 --> 00:14:29,926
Dad, I am so sorry.
327
00:14:30,090 --> 00:14:32,374
We should have told somebody,
but we were too scared,
328
00:14:32,538 --> 00:14:34,854
and-and-and I wanted
to take him to the hospital,
329
00:14:35,017 --> 00:14:35,894
but Chris wouldn't let me.
330
00:14:36,057 --> 00:14:37,066
Good, Chris.
331
00:14:37,230 --> 00:14:38,273
I've taught you well.
332
00:14:38,437 --> 00:14:39,447
You've got
the right instincts.
333
00:14:39,611 --> 00:14:40,821
When you were babies,
334
00:14:40,985 --> 00:14:42,297
I used to knock you kids out
every month or so,
335
00:14:42,460 --> 00:14:44,844
sometimes by accident, sometimes
when the Patriots lost.
336
00:14:45,008 --> 00:14:47,157
You just gotta cover it up,
and eventually it all works out.
337
00:14:47,321 --> 00:14:48,732
Meg, this is
a list of hats.
338
00:14:48,896 --> 00:14:49,872
I need these
by 4:00.
339
00:14:50,036 --> 00:14:51,449
Good idea.
340
00:14:51,612 --> 00:14:53,393
One of those hats would have
helped him at the park today.
341
00:14:53,557 --> 00:14:56,578
Chris, did you put a
coonskin cap on Stewie?
342
00:14:56,742 --> 00:15:00,734
No, why?
343
00:15:00,898 --> 00:15:05,338
They look like
little robbers.
344
00:15:07,452 --> 00:15:09,012
Hey, good evening, everyone,
345
00:15:09,176 --> 00:15:12,163
and welcome to the first taping
of CBS's new hit comedy,
346
00:15:12,327 --> 00:15:15,180
Class Holes!
347
00:15:15,344 --> 00:15:17,091
Wait a minute.
That's not the title.
348
00:15:17,255 --> 00:15:19,002
It's called "What I Learned
on Jefferson Street."
349
00:15:19,166 --> 00:15:21,148
Yeah, it didn't make
a lot of sense
350
00:15:21,311 --> 00:15:22,522
now that he lives
on Boner Street.
351
00:15:22,686 --> 00:15:24,231
And... action!
352
00:15:24,395 --> 00:15:26,580
Okay, Hillary,
you know the bet.
353
00:15:26,743 --> 00:15:28,457
You have to sleep
with the next guy
354
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:29,731
that walks
through that door.
355
00:15:29,895 --> 00:15:31,139
Got it.
356
00:15:31,302 --> 00:15:34,155
Dad?!
357
00:15:34,319 --> 00:15:36,468
Hillary?
358
00:15:36,632 --> 00:15:39,418
You're in college?
359
00:15:39,582 --> 00:15:42,972
You're my new
college roommate?!
360
00:15:43,135 --> 00:15:45,854
We're gonna be
living together?
361
00:15:46,018 --> 00:15:48,738
In the same dorm?
362
00:15:48,902 --> 00:15:51,587
For the whole year?!
363
00:15:51,751 --> 00:15:54,806
With my chimp sidekick?!
364
00:15:54,969 --> 00:15:57,219
Brian, they love it.
365
00:15:57,383 --> 00:15:59,063
Wha-what is this?
This isn't my script.
366
00:15:59,227 --> 00:16:00,371
What the hell'd
you do to it?!
367
00:16:00,535 --> 00:16:02,081
And I've got
great news for you.
368
00:16:02,244 --> 00:16:04,428
We just got an e-mail
from the network heads.
369
00:16:04,592 --> 00:16:06,976
They want to pick up
Class Holes! for 22 episodes!
370
00:16:07,140 --> 00:16:08,618
Really? Yeah,
aren't you thrilled?
371
00:16:08,782 --> 00:16:11,703
I, uh...
I'm not sure.
372
00:16:11,867 --> 00:16:14,754
Hey, guys, the chimp just ripped
the other girl's boob off.
373
00:16:14,917 --> 00:16:19,358
Please tell me
you got that on camera.
374
00:16:21,731 --> 00:16:23,694
Lois, I-I wish you hadn't
gone through all this trouble.
375
00:16:23,857 --> 00:16:24,867
Are you kidding?
376
00:16:25,031 --> 00:16:26,476
I'm so excited.
377
00:16:26,640 --> 00:16:28,253
From the first time
I read that script,
378
00:16:28,416 --> 00:16:30,264
I just knew it was
gonna make it on TV.
379
00:16:30,428 --> 00:16:31,470
I could see it.
380
00:16:31,634 --> 00:16:33,046
Well, yeah, I mean,
381
00:16:33,209 --> 00:16:36,567
but the real victory is just
having a show make it to TV.
382
00:16:36,730 --> 00:16:38,578
I mean, we almost don't
even need to watch.
383
00:16:38,742 --> 00:16:40,691
Hey, what's the cast of
Two and a Half Men doing here?
384
00:16:40,855 --> 00:16:42,804
Well, you're always
saying our show sucks.
385
00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:43,977
Let's see yours.
386
00:16:44,141 --> 00:16:46,089
Come on, Peter!
Come on, kids!
387
00:16:46,253 --> 00:16:47,667
The show's about to start!
388
00:16:47,831 --> 00:16:50,014
I'm coming. I was
just gettin' Stewie.
389
00:16:50,178 --> 00:16:52,060
All right, got the little
guy up from his nap.
390
00:16:52,224 --> 00:16:55,206
Say hello to everyone, Stewie.
391
00:16:55,370 --> 00:16:56,881
Aww.
392
00:16:57,045 --> 00:16:57,955
Oh, oh, look,
everybody.
393
00:16:58,118 --> 00:17:02,413
It's starting.
394
00:17:02,577 --> 00:17:04,023
♪ There was a man ♪
395
00:17:04,187 --> 00:17:05,764
♪ He dropped out ♪
396
00:17:05,928 --> 00:17:07,439
♪ Now he's back ♪
397
00:17:07,603 --> 00:17:09,785
♪ He had a daughter ♪
398
00:17:09,949 --> 00:17:11,226
♪ Now she's in college
with him. ♪
399
00:17:11,390 --> 00:17:15,831
What a pain in my class!
400
00:17:27,869 --> 00:17:30,065
Well, Dad,
I owe you an apology.
401
00:17:30,229 --> 00:17:32,545
You said you'd win that
talent show and you did.
402
00:17:32,709 --> 00:17:35,763
Now everyone's doing
the Charleston.
403
00:17:35,926 --> 00:17:36,936
Not everyone.
404
00:17:37,100 --> 00:17:39,785
Someone's doing
The Monkey.
405
00:17:39,949 --> 00:17:41,662
Mr. Nubbins.
406
00:17:41,826 --> 00:17:46,266
Well, if you
can't beat 'em...
407
00:17:50,833 --> 00:17:52,762
So, uh...
what'd you guys think?
408
00:17:52,926 --> 00:17:56,215
Not the worst thing
in the world, right?
409
00:17:56,379 --> 00:17:57,657
Oh, ha-ha.
410
00:17:57,821 --> 00:18:02,150
Time for bed,
Stewie.
411
00:18:02,313 --> 00:18:04,763
So, really, everybody,
what-what'd you think?
412
00:18:04,927 --> 00:18:06,236
You want to know
what I think?
413
00:18:06,400 --> 00:18:07,477
Well, yeah.
414
00:18:07,641 --> 00:18:08,649
You son of a bitch!
415
00:18:08,813 --> 00:18:09,821
Oh! Oh my God!
416
00:18:09,985 --> 00:18:10,927
It's a travesty!
Joe, stop it!
417
00:18:11,091 --> 00:18:12,134
And I will kill you!
418
00:18:12,297 --> 00:18:13,407
Okay, okay.
Come on, Joe.
419
00:18:13,571 --> 00:18:15,084
You bastard, we
hired a sitter for this!
420
00:18:15,248 --> 00:18:16,325
Come on, come on,
Joe! Okay, come on.
421
00:18:16,489 --> 00:18:18,672
Guys, keep his anus
above his head!
422
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:20,046
Okay, okay.
All right, all right.
423
00:18:20,209 --> 00:18:22,024
Okay, careful.
Careful, Peter.
424
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:23,666
Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
425
00:18:23,830 --> 00:18:25,544
Look, I'm sure you're
disappointed, Lois,
426
00:18:25,708 --> 00:18:26,850
but it wasn't my fault.
427
00:18:27,014 --> 00:18:28,660
There-there were so
many people interfering.
428
00:18:28,824 --> 00:18:30,002
Of course
it's gonna be bad.
429
00:18:30,165 --> 00:18:32,448
I'm not disappointed
because it was bad.
430
00:18:32,612 --> 00:18:35,063
I'm disappointed
because you sold out.
431
00:18:35,227 --> 00:18:37,175
You had something really
special there, Brian.
432
00:18:37,339 --> 00:18:39,388
You had a vision and
you let them change it
433
00:18:39,552 --> 00:18:41,063
because you didn't
believe in yourself.
434
00:18:41,227 --> 00:18:42,806
Lois, what was I gonna do?
435
00:18:42,970 --> 00:18:44,818
It was either do it their way
or get cancelled.
436
00:18:44,982 --> 00:18:49,422
Well, at least then you would
have had your integrity.
437
00:18:55,359 --> 00:18:56,751
You guys wanted
to see me?
438
00:18:56,915 --> 00:18:59,365
Look, Brian, we're really
excited about the ratings.
439
00:18:59,529 --> 00:19:01,510
We're just really disappointed
with how low they are.
440
00:19:01,674 --> 00:19:03,221
We did some testing
this morning,
441
00:19:03,384 --> 00:19:04,729
and we think we've
discovered the problem.
442
00:19:04,893 --> 00:19:08,249
People want something
more real, more grounded.
443
00:19:08,413 --> 00:19:10,193
That's exactly
what I think, too.
444
00:19:10,357 --> 00:19:12,338
We need to get back
to the original script.
445
00:19:12,502 --> 00:19:14,651
Byron wants to do right
by his daughter,
446
00:19:14,814 --> 00:19:16,696
and I think that everyone
can relate to that.
447
00:19:16,860 --> 00:19:18,338
That's what America
wants to see.
448
00:19:18,502 --> 00:19:20,550
The simple love
within a family
449
00:19:20,714 --> 00:19:22,696
that conquers all
and makes life worth living.
450
00:19:22,860 --> 00:19:26,519
What if I'm a cop and the chimp
is my reincarnated partner?
451
00:19:26,682 --> 00:19:27,658
Yes!
452
00:19:27,822 --> 00:19:28,898
That's perfect!
453
00:19:29,062 --> 00:19:30,675
See? That's relatable!
454
00:19:30,838 --> 00:19:32,217
How the hell is
that relatable?
455
00:19:32,381 --> 00:19:34,161
And every month,
he's got a story
456
00:19:34,325 --> 00:19:35,871
for why he doesn't have
his half of the rent.
457
00:19:36,034 --> 00:19:37,916
I'm not doing this!
458
00:19:38,079 --> 00:19:39,826
What do you mean,
you're not doing it?
459
00:19:39,990 --> 00:19:41,471
I'm drawing the line.
460
00:19:41,634 --> 00:19:43,348
I wrote a script that really
meant a lot to me,
461
00:19:43,511 --> 00:19:44,790
and you guys took it
462
00:19:44,953 --> 00:19:46,599
and turned it into something
cheap and ridiculous.
463
00:19:46,763 --> 00:19:47,840
I've had enough.
464
00:19:48,004 --> 00:19:51,528
I'm not selling
out anymore. I quit.
465
00:19:51,692 --> 00:19:53,740
Do you guys have a
studio lawyer or something,
466
00:19:53,903 --> 00:19:55,215
'cause I banged
that chick,
467
00:19:55,379 --> 00:19:59,819
and I think she is
well under 18 years old.
468
00:20:00,796 --> 00:20:02,121
All right, he's
not waking up.
469
00:20:02,285 --> 00:20:03,663
I think we gotta take
these bandages off
470
00:20:03,827 --> 00:20:07,754
and see what we're
dealin' with here.
471
00:20:07,918 --> 00:20:09,498
Oh, crap, you
smell that?
472
00:20:09,661 --> 00:20:10,571
That's brain smell.
473
00:20:10,735 --> 00:20:12,214
Okay, I don't care
what you say.
474
00:20:12,377 --> 00:20:13,923
He's really hurt,
and I'm gonna do
475
00:20:14,087 --> 00:20:15,432
what I should have done
in the first place.
476
00:20:15,596 --> 00:20:16,807
I'm taking him
to the hospital.
477
00:20:16,971 --> 00:20:21,411
No, no. I got one
last plan, Meg.
478
00:20:28,348 --> 00:20:29,473
Oh, my God!
479
00:20:29,637 --> 00:20:31,015
Stewie!
480
00:20:31,179 --> 00:20:33,429
Oh, God.
What have I done?!
481
00:20:33,593 --> 00:20:35,305
Looks like you
ran over him, Lois.
482
00:20:35,469 --> 00:20:38,188
Oh, no!
He's unconscious!
483
00:20:38,351 --> 00:20:40,131
Peter, Peter, we have
to cover this up!
484
00:20:40,295 --> 00:20:41,740
Yeah, but... What?!
485
00:20:41,904 --> 00:20:43,818
Let's put a hat on him
to cover the wound,
486
00:20:43,982 --> 00:20:45,092
and-and then let's
get some makeup
487
00:20:45,256 --> 00:20:46,633
and draw eyeballs
on his eyelids
488
00:20:46,797 --> 00:20:48,980
and find a way to pin
this on someone else.
489
00:20:49,143 --> 00:20:51,662
I love you
so much right now.
490
00:20:51,825 --> 00:20:54,233
Let's go to the hospital.
491
00:20:54,397 --> 00:20:59,239
Sync by elderman
for www.addic7ed.com
492
00:21:02,035 --> 00:21:04,299
Well, Brian, I'm
proud of you.
493
00:21:04,463 --> 00:21:06,167
You went in there and you stood
up for what you believed in.
494
00:21:06,331 --> 00:21:08,356
Yeah, now I don't have
a TV Show anymore.
495
00:21:08,520 --> 00:21:10,304
Oh who cares about that.
496
00:21:10,468 --> 00:21:12,718
You made the right choice
for your own integrity
497
00:21:12,882 --> 00:21:14,126
And that's what matters.
498
00:21:14,289 --> 00:21:15,500
Well, I suppose
you're right.
499
00:21:15,664 --> 00:21:17,981
And hey, at least I got
something on the air.
500
00:21:18,145 --> 00:21:21,241
I mean, not everyone
can say that.
501
00:21:21,405 --> 00:21:23,882
Announcer We
now return to big jaws.
502
00:21:24,045 --> 00:21:27,775
Aah! Stop eating
our boat, jaws!
503
00:21:27,939 --> 00:21:29,492
Rrr. I'm gonna
eat your boat,
504
00:21:29,655 --> 00:21:31,044
And then I'm gonna
eat you guys!
505
00:21:31,208 --> 00:21:32,948
Rarr!
506
00:21:33,112 --> 00:21:34,198
Oh, my god, what's that?
507
00:21:34,362 --> 00:21:35,590
It's bigger jaws!
508
00:21:35,754 --> 00:21:36,775
Oh, my god!
509
00:21:36,938 --> 00:21:38,059
Now we have
a common enemy.
510
00:21:38,223 --> 00:21:39,209
We have
to work together.
511
00:21:39,373 --> 00:21:40,770
I already got
a sequel in mind.
512
00:21:40,934 --> 00:21:42,429
It's called
way bigger jaws.
513
00:21:42,593 --> 00:21:44,863
Hey, I just found
out it's November!
514
00:21:45,026 --> 00:21:47,362
What the FUCK
happened?!
515
00:21:47,525 --> 00:21:51,966
Captioned by media access group
at wgbh access.wgbh.org
516
00:22:06,163 --> 00:22:10,685
Captioning sponsored by
20th century fox television37147
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