Original subtitles

Whenever I wanted to remember

what was important in my life.

I used to walk to the local cemetery.

1,000 people, probably more, are buried here.

Each one ending up in the same

two square mile patch of grass for eternity.

How many people are still remembered?

I mean, at what point

does that last memory of you disappear?

Good morning. Sunshine.

Not morning, Daddy.

It's very late, after 11.

I just flew in from Los Angeles.

Oh.

You don't look so good.

Well of course I don't look so good.

I'm this close to 80.

Hm, that is pretty old.

Yeah.

I remember when rainbows were black and white.

That's how old I am.

Death isn't knocking on my door,

it's sitting in the bedroom.

Don't say that.

You're fine, you're still here.

And for a long time, I imagine.

Always the optimist.

The Irish in you wants to know

if the will has been signed, and it hasn't.

No, no, you're going to live a long, long time.

I'm going to make sure of it.

Nine months.

Nine months, what?

I give it nine months.

That will give me time to have one more birthday.

And then-

- Nine months, and then what?

And then I'm off, time to fly.

I look at this as a long overdue vacation.

I'm not listening to you anymore.

You don't have to, that's your choice.

An unfortunate one, but don't be mad

nine months from now if I say, "I told you so."

Mm, that is the error in your plan, dear sir.

In order to say, "I told you so,"

you'd still have to be alive.

Yeah, well, I stand corrected.

Nine months nonetheless.

A baby takes nine months to be born.

I'm taking nine months to say goodbye.

It's only fair.

Okay.

Goodnight, Daddy.

Mwah.

Good news, you're going to live.

Not for very long, mind you,

but long enough to be able to pay my bills.

Why are you smiling?

Stop smiling.

It doesn't suit you very well.

You're not a smiley kind of man.

Oh God, it's the menopause, isn't it?

It's not menopause.

Well, I'm waiting.

Come on, stop smiling like that.

You're scaring me.

I'm sorry.

It's not every day that a man gets to tell his daughter

that he's going to be a grandfather.

I'm pregnant?

Yes, you are.

No, no, can't be, no.

Well, have you had sex lately?

A few times.

Not very memorable, but. What?

Well then you can.

And that's how it's done nowadays.

I mean, have for some time actually.

But I can get you a pamphlet about it if you like.

A pamphlet?

Dad, I can't have a baby.

I'm too old to have a baby.

I've been systematically unable

to raise myself for the past 40 years.

How am I going to raise a child?

You'll have to-What do I do?

Stop smoking and drinking to start with.

I like to smoke.

Yeah, you can do it.

You have to do it.

I mean, you don't want a baby

shaped like shrimps now, do ya?

This cannot be happening.

I'm too old.

I'll be like 90 years old

by the time the thing goes to high school.

Well, you're slightly exaggerating.

And my tits.

Dad, my tits.

Will be fine, I assure you.

Seriously, dear, this is a good thing.

Keys, keys, keys.

Keys, keys, keys, keys, keys.

Terri, have you seen my keys?

Shoot.

Shit, shit, shit.

You mean these?

Ah, yes, thank you.

- I'll be late. - Whoop.

How about you take your ever-loving girlfriend

with you, please.

Listen, I know what you're doing, okay?

Please?

And meeting my family at a funeral

is probably a terrible idea.

They're eccentric, so just no.

Look, we can say we're just friends.

And I promise, no smooching in front of the dead guy.

Okay, yeah, listen.

Okay, listen.

I know what you're doing, I do, and I love you for it,

but I don't want to go and you certainly don't want to go.

Okay, here, I'm going to help you with this.

Okay, I'm late, but.

Okay, you know what, no, I'm late.

I don't have time for this.

I gotta get going.

Here, give me one kiss, give me one kiss.

Okay, you know what, this is happening.

You're late.

I know, I'm sorry.

Sorry isn't going to help out Uncle Charlie.

You know what, you're right.

Uncle Charlie.

I'm going to go home and shag some more.

You tell the whole family I was here, won't you?

Mm, that better have been involuntary.

My body may have a mind of its own

but at least I managed to get it here on time.

Now behave yourself.

Or I may have to accidentally assault you again.

And what did I miss?

So far we've had three eulogies,

all from people that never met him.

One of them kept calling him Charlton

and talking about how good of a person he was.

Clearly never met the man.

Aunt Margaret's up next.

You're kidding me.

I remember Larry as a kind man.

Larry?

Not the biggest penis I've ever seen.

But he used it well.

Yeah, of course he named his own cat Catie.

Like Katie but Catie.

I just find it weird

that you put it on your backpack.

- Ridiculous. - Because I love her.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, Dave.

It's my turn for the bed.

Don't get too comfortable.

Hey, you coming?

We got some beer.

All right.

You guys ready to party?

Yeah, oh.

Yeah, we can fix that in a jiffy.

I need you to close your eyes for a second.

Oh, perhaps it would be a good idea

if we all closed our eyes.

Maybe it's better if I just-

- No, no, no, I didn't mean me.

I meant your friends here.

You have somehow managed to do

what almost nobody's been able to do in nearly 50 years.

Shooting your ear off

while killing a pigeon with the same bullet.

Impressive.

Americans and your guns.

Probably born with one up your arse.

Our father was Canadian actually.

Oh really?

Well that would explain that lack of aim now, wouldn't it?

My late 40s, too old for this baby nonsense.

You are too.

I hope you're not saying what I think you're saying.

You're seriously considering keeping it?

You're not seriously considering me not keeping it?

We talked about this before.

And we always said we'd keep it if it happened.

And God knows it happened, Gordon.

I'm not puking my brains out

for the past week for no reason.

That was 10 years ago.

You know, when we were both young enough to have children.

Barely sexual now.

I'm surprised you're pregnant at all.

Charlie Chaplin was something like, what,

80 years old when he had his last child?

Yeah, and he died soon after,

leaving a young child behind.

Look, Laurel, don't get me started.

We're not having a baby.

You can't even look after a dog, let alone a baby.

You're either taking the both of us or neither of us.

Your choice.

Daddy!

Don't even ask.

Come on, yeah, come in.

Oh, don't kick the cat, dear.

She doesn't like that.

That was absolutely scrumptious.

You know, you really should consider cooking for a living.

Oh, strangely enough, I do cook for a living.

Oh well then, congratulations,

you've found your life's path.

Speaking of life's path,

do you think it's about time I meet your family?

No, you don't want to do that.

I mean, they're ogres, they're evil really.

Uninteresting people, insufferable bores, general retards.

Jack, we've been dating for six months

and they don't even know I exist.

They do know you exist.

They're just terribly upset at the fact that I am dating a-

- A pretty blonde?

Yes. They hate blondes, they really do.

It's a family tradition.

My grandfather, he was killed by a blonde.

And they never found out who the killer is

so there's been an innate fear of blondes ever since.

Blondes?

Yes, yeah, especially pretty ones.

Your whole family is afraid of blondes?

Mm-hm, yeah, yeah, except for me obviously,

'cause I've had to work at it, so yeah.

Ah, well, maybe they can work at it.

No, no, I don't think so.

I mean, they do kill all blonde babies born, so.

Your family kills blonde babies?

Yeah, yep.

But there are a lot of babies born blonde

and then when they grow older, their hair changes color.

You're not buying a word of this, are you?

No, not one.

Yeah.

Morning, dear.

Daddy.

May I say that you look absolutely dreadful this morning.

Thank you.

Oh, no need to thank me.

I just wanted it noted that you do indeed look like shit.

You are not helping.

Well, I could suggest to a shower or some makeup.

- But after that- - Daddy.

Yes, pumpkin.

- Shut up. - Well said.

And shut up I will.

But if you decide at some point

that you'd like to discuss you turning up at my door

at 2:00 a.m. with two large bags of clothing,

I'd be happy to partake in that conversation.

I'm sorry.

This, it's just a mess with Gordon

and this whole baby fiasco.

Maybe I should just get rid of it.

What do you think?

I can honestly say that my decision has always been

to err on the side of giving it a go.

Worst case scenario, 41 years later

they show up at your door at two in the morning

telling you to shut the hell up.

I'll see you later.

You love her?

Of course I love her.

Not as much as this egg salad sandwich.

Thank you for bringing it, by the way.

But yeah, almost as much.

If she sails your boat, you should sail off with her.

You know, if she beats your drum, you should beat-

- As much as I love your metaphors and your witticisms,

it's just not that simple.

Why is it so hard?

You just tell her that you love her.

And then you get married

and you shag her 3.2 times a week for the first year.

And then you have a baby.

And then I'm a nappy king for two years.

Probably longer, because most women want two.

So four years then.

But knowing you, Sir Shags-a-Lot,

there'll be a surprise baby in there somewhere.

So, you know, you better make it six.

Six years?

Oh my God, are you kidding me?

You just get it snipped.

Snipped?

I did them all myself, huh?

I kinda fancy myself a closet artist.

You know, who knows, maybe I went into the wrong field.

Okay, so what's the matter with him, doc?

Well, for starters, he keeps shooting

his frigging ears off.

I mean, I would consider that to be

his biggest problem at the moment.

This isn't anything new.

He's been trying to kill himself for years.

Oh well, that would explain

the multiple shootings now, wouldn't it?

What can we do about it now?

For starters, take the gun away from him.

It makes it harder, you know, to shoot one's ears off.

Yeah. But is there anything we can do about it?

Well, I think a better question is,

is there anything he can do about it?

Well, we're supposed to be in Montreal next week.

I mean we're on a year-long road trip, so.

Oh no, I wouldn't, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't leave until he's better.

You know, perhaps we can have him evaluated,

mentally I mean.

You know, I have a friend at the Wellesley Clinic.

He could to assess him for you.

Look, doc, we don't really even have enough money

to stay in Canada much longer.

Pretty soon Peter is going to have to start stripping.

Tits are too small.

Oh, I have an idea.

I have to go back to Los Angeles.

You're a writer.

You can write anywhere.

You can write here.

You can't go back until, you know, I.

I got eight months.

That isn't too much to ask for.

No, no, no, you're going to live

a lot longer than that and you know it.

And this is unfair to me.

I have to get back to work.

But you're a writer.

You can do that right here.

You don't have to go back there to write.

I went to California with Mom because I hate it here.

It's just so much blah.

I can't write, it's too cold.

You know, blah can be very good for a writer.

It forces you into the writing mode.

All right, I will make you a deal.

I will stay awhile,

but you can't get mad when I leave later, deal?

- Your move. - Deal?

Your move.

Oh bollocks.

Can you tell me why you feel that way?

Is there something in particular that triggers it?

I really don't know why I feel this way.

If I did, I probably wouldn't be here, right?

Well, perhaps you should just try taking it

one day at a time, simplify things.

Take one breath, one step.

Don't try to overthink it.

Sometimes depression is just something

you need to work through using therapy.

Mm-hm.

Your friends are very concerned.

I don't care.

They can leave if they want.

If they wanted to, I assure you they'd already have.

Mm, something smells delicious.

What is that?

You're going to get a fork in the eye

if you don't back off until I'm finished.

A fork, wow, that sounds violent.

Maybe I'll just stop by the sushi place

for a little takeout, huh?

Fine, grump.

Mm, mm, scrumdiddlyumptious.

What is that?

Oh, it's reindeer testicles, a Norwegian delicacy.

It's chicken.

Chicken, you dick.

Mm, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I didn't, I thought-

- You thought I was serving you reindeer testicles?

What, are you drunk?

What? No, I'm not drunk.

I've just been thinking about my testicles a lot today.

You've been thinking about your testicles all day today?

Yeah, but not in a weird way.

In like, I don't know,

no nappies makes me happy kind of a way.

Are you trying to tell me something?

What? No, no.

I'm just, I'm trying to figure my life out.

And you don't think that discussing that

with your girlfriend is important?

Well, I mean, technically they are my testicles, so.

You don't want to have kids?

What? No.

I never said that.

It's not that I don't want to have kids.

It's that you don't want to have kids with me.

What? No.

I never said that.

Please don't cry.

I'm allowed to cry, okay?

You just told me you'd rather cut off your pecker

than have kids with me.

You can eat alone.

David is what we call clinically depressed.

But what worries me mostly, obviously,

is that he continues to express suicidal wishes.

Oh, we can medicate to help control the depression.

But the need to hurt himself will continue, I'm afraid,

until we get to the source of the problem.

He's been like this a long time.

He's worse on this trip.

We thought, quite frankly, that it would help.

How young was he when all this started?

Um, 14, maybe 15.

And how many attempts.

Altogether, 20, maybe 30.

30?

Unbelievable.

And he hasn't been hospitalized till now?

Well, he hasn't been successful

so we can count that as a blessing.

Or maybe it was just that was

a cry for help, a very large cry.

Let's not try to let it hit 31, shall we?

What about your family?

They're all dead.

We're all he has left.

Well, I'm sure that's all he needs too.

So I'd like to keep him for a month or two.

This simply cannot continue.

Oh, you can visit him anytime you want, but.

Do you have anywhere to stay in the meantime?

What?

Is this Dr. Leaver's house?

Yes, it is.

Look, I'm very sick.

What can I do for you?

We're Dr. Leaver's new boarders.

Boarders, American boarders?

Oh Christ, no.

Have you lost your mind?

Brilliant, you have us.

Invited them to stay here?

They can't stay here.

Coming from someone who never asked to live here,

I'd say that your opinion means diddly-squat.

Go sit down, dear.

You got vomit on your chin.

Come on in, bring your bag.

You actually said that, aloud?

It was your idea, all right?

You're the evil one.

I told her that my family was evil

and you proved it beyond a shadow of a doubt.

So you just be gone, evil spirit.

You're a child.

That's what you are.

You're the same child you were at 10 years old

when you ran away from Lucy Michaels

'cause she wanted to kiss you.

She had a huge mustache, all right, even then.

I can't be faulted for that,

because your first kiss should not be to an otter.

If you want to have an adult relationship,

you're going to have to learn to be one.

So you're saying that horsey rides

and that are out of the question?

Are you kidding me?

All right, so what about you?

What about me?

Well, you're always helping me solve my problems.

Let's hear one of yours.

I don't have any problems.

I'm perfectly happy with my life.

What is wrong with you?

Go, go fix this, go.

So cute.

You know, it's really not nice

to look through someone's personal belongings

without getting their permission first.

Ah, well, good thing I have permission.

Dr. Leaver told me I could live through anything I wanted.

I really don't like you.

Can I get you a coffee, tea, or a puke bucket?

You make it hard not to like you.

I'm very uncomfortable with that fact.

Hm, then why waste your time trying?

You have much more important things to think about.

Shouldn't you be out chasing boys or something?

It's a Saturday night.

Why would I want to do that?

Sex, obviously.

Isn't it every American girl's dream

to find some beer-chasing, swigging Canadian lad?

You do make it sound intriguing.

Then go.

Really, go ahead.

I can take care of myself.

I'm gay, girl.

And I'm also quite content

to spend the evening here with you,

'cause I know you're not feeling well.

Gay?

You're saying you're a lesbian?

Anyway, you can relax.

You're not my type.

I like my girls a little less uptight and less pregnant.

Going to make you that tea.

Uptight?

Dude, you're up.

About time.

Jesus Christ, how many pills did they give you?

I don't know.

My name's Geoff with a G,

you know, like Geoff with a J.

Same name, just spelt differently.

You mind if I uh?

On my bed?

All right.

Thanks, brother.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Watch the open robe there, man.

You don't want to show the whole world

your tiny little pecker now.

What?

Your dangly little dew worm.

Oh, and you do not want to go fishing around here.

Trust me.

I mean, you know, one minute they're hot and 20

and then the next you want to gnaw your arm off

'cause they're so freaking ugly.

Seriously, if you want to get laid, not here.

Well, isn't this a psychiatric hospital?

Are you trying to throw me with your big words, dude?

No, I just-

- I mean, I've been knocked over and over and over and over.

- And over? - Exactly.

So you get where I'm coming from, right?

We're relatable.

How long you played football?

I never have.

Yeah, I figured.

You smell like a bit of a fruit bar.

I played though, man.

NFL, CFL, the NFL in Europe thing.

They have football over there, American kind?

Well that remains to be seen.

But most importantly is they rocked my noodle

while I was trying to play.

And then, you know, that's why I'm in here.

How long you been laid up?

Man, you are the inquisitive type, aren't you?

I think I'm done talking for today.

Yeah.

Oh, and just 'cause I got this mag

doesn't mean I'm going to be dejuicing the pickle

every 10 minutes, so you can relax.

You look like you could use it a hug.

As you were.

Daddy, sit down.

You're making my head hurt.

It was here just a moment ago.

I can't seem to find it.

What are you looking for?

It's not really relevant.

The important thing is that it's lost.

I can't find it.

Okay, but maybe if you tell us what you're looking for,

we can help you find it.

Dear, once again, you missed the point.

Always a point.

Well, I give up.

I guess it will be forever lost.

I must go.

I bid you all a fond adieu.

Ah, Dr. Leaver, just hang on a second.

Let me fix your tie for you, huh?

Thank you, Susie.

I wouldn't want to look shoddy.

Oh, there you are.

Not lost anymore.

Good work.

Thank you.

Thank you for doing that.

Daddy, is everything okay?

I hate to believe I'm in need of assistance,

but I am in need of assistance, everyone.

Look, I've been an incredible idiot

and I'm willing to do anything to make up for it.

I love you. Jack.

I really do.

But maybe two people can love each other an awful lot

and they're still not meant to be together.

Well, I don't know that that's our case, so to speak.

I mean, we were right for each other last week, were we not?

Sometimes in life you get those moments of total clarity.

Has that ever happened to you?

- Clarity? - Yeah.

Yeah, sadly I think that's one of the things

that's passed me by in my life, right?

Thus and therefore the reason why I'm such an abhorrent ass.

You know, what I want to do.

I'm going to move out.

I'm going to go and stay with my sister for a bit

while we, while I figure my life out.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What about that moment of clarity we just had?

What about that?

Clarity is what I've had since the day I met you, Jack,

and wanting to spend the rest of my life with you.

I've always been clear about that.

The same clarity that you're lacking.

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

That was a trick question.

Just because I have a little bit of gray hair

doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about.

I do.

All right, everyone, I think

we're getting slightly off track.

Now we have a new member to introduce to our group.

Everyone say hello to David.

It's a tough group, David,

as I'm sure you could already tell.

But perhaps you would like to speak to us a bit

about what you're experiencing right now.

I'd like to know why he's got that thing on his head,

if it gets a radio signal?

'Cause he looks like Princess Leia in "Star Wars."

Geoff, quiet please.

But perhaps, David, you explain to us

why you have those bandages.

I tried to kill myself, twice.

You shot your ears off.

What are you, some kind of an idiot?

Everyone knows if you want to kill yourself

you just put the gun under your chin.

No, in the mouth.

That'll get it done.

Blood splatter everywhere.

Guys, stop it.

I'm not looking for a way to kill myself.

Oh really?

Yes, really.

Well, I think somebody needs a hug.

Ow.

All right, carry on.

You know I hate church.

I hate church too.

You know, we're both gonna go to hell.

Can I have a Bible?

Have you got one?

Since when do you read the Bible?

I read it a lot.

It's very well written.

- Hello, Chester. - Hi.

Do you come here?

Hello.

You must be Martina.

Marina.

Oh, Marina, yeah, quite right.

My apologies.

My daughter Laurel.

- Nice to meet you. - Hi.

She's preggers.

That's Jewish for pregnant.

Without a husband too.

Daddy.

Well, there was a husband originally, but he left.

Well, kicked her out to be specific.

Now I'm stuck with her.

Daddy, stop it.

I'm sorry.

Well, what did I say wrong?

- Are you not pregnant? - Yes.

- Husband left, correct? - Yes.

You're living with me, right?

I give up.

You see, dear, I am totally and completely correct.

I do tend to tell it like it is.

You certainly do.

Well, I got to piss.

I'm coming with you.

Yeah, let's drain those lizards.

An interesting man.

He certainly is.

This is payback for all the shit

we pulled in high school, isn't it?

Yep.

They're not coming back, are they?

Nope.

- Baseball on TV? - Yep.

And we're alone in an empty church.

Yep.

You want to get the hell out of here?

Yes, please.

Looks good.

It's not so much a landscape

as much as it is an imprint of my emotional state.

What the hell are you talking about?

It means, it means I'm feeling better.

Good, I'm glad.

Me too.

So, you still want to kill yourself?

Not so much kill myself

as much as I want to continue to take pieces off of my face.

You know, it seems like such a shame

to stop considering so much progress had been made.

Good. Well, progress is good.

One day at a time.

Oh, I hear you have a fun new roomie.

Can I meet him?

You came all this way to see my roomie and not me?

Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to.

He's a handful, but he makes me feel better.

It makes my problems feel a little bit smaller.

For the record, they always were.

Who's this?

Oh boy.

Relax, relax, he's harmless.

Oh boy.

Tell it to my ribs.

- Hey. - Hi, I'm Geoff.

And you have luscious breasts.

Barking up the wrong tree, buddy.

You like women?

- I do. - Oh.

What's your favorite?

Geoff, stop it, come on.

No, no, it's fine.

Well, I like older women,

women with experience, life experience.

Mm, I more meant like big tits or small tits.

Oh, I'm a butt girl.

Me too.

Big butts or small butts?

Geoff, stop it.

So they've known each other for decades

but never bothered to introduce the families.

How peculiar.

Well, not unusual for my dad.

I think he's lost it.

Alzheimer's warning.

I was thinking that,

but he's always been a little eccentric.

But I am worried.

What if he's not okay?

What about his patients?

What if he sticks an ear on wrong or something silly?

Come on, he seemed fine to me.

But maybe you should stay close,

keep your eye on him, see for yourself.

I suppose I could spy on him a little bit.

It is a daughter's duty after all.

Well maybe spying is too harsh of a word.

Constant supervision is a better way to put it.

And if he invites home more American hitchhikers?

I'll kill him.

Got your papers right here for you to both sign.

Thank you.

Your father's left you

as the sole beneficiary of his estate.

I wouldn't exactly call it an estate.

Which with real estate holdings, bonds,

stock, cash in and out of the country

works out to an estimated 4.5 million dollars.

4 million?

4.5 million.

4.5 million.

- 4.5 million? - Mm-hm.

I still can't get over it.

I have never seen you spend a penny on yourself

the entire time I've known you.

In fact, you've never spent a cent on me either.

Well, you're going to get it all soon enough.

That is not what I meant.

I just think you should spend

some of that money on yourself.

Take a vacation or something, do something special.

I thought I was.

Giving it all to me isn't special.

You need to do something nice for yourself.

Like what?

A trip.

Trip? I hate flying, I hate hotels.

Ah, how about our new checkerboard?

You could buy 4 million checkerboards with that.

Let's try aiming for something a little more interesting.

I like checkers.

Oh, Dad.

I do.

I'll tell you what, surprise me.

As long as I don't have to leave this house

for more than a day, we can do anything you want

and I promise I'll enjoy it.

- Really? - Really.

You've got to play me two out of three.

- Two out of three? - Mm-hm.

So just two games of checkers then.

Edward, this must be very tough on you.

Well, I just want to know what to do, what to expect.

Well, you were all correct in your assumptions.

You are experiencing the early stages of Alzheimer's,

but the very early stages.

The long goodbye.

Yes, it is known as that.

There isn't any medication that I can give you

to stop or reverse the effects that you are experiencing,

but I can give you something to treat

the other symptoms of the disease, such as dementia.

I highly recommend that you give up

your practice, Edward, and soon.

I believe-

- Oh look, a crawling pancreatic tumor,

very rare this time of year.

Must follow.

He's probably having a rough time,

and allowing his imagination to run wild

allows him to find some sort of joy.

Or perhaps it's a defense mechanism,

so not to be so afraid of what the future holds.

How's the pregnancy going?

So far so good.

But it looks like I'll have two children on my hands.

Yes, and they're both going to need

a lot of attention and love.

You'll be fine.

Do you have anyone to help you?

This is all so strange to me.

What is?

Oh no, I'm just a middle-aged woman babbling.

Oh no, you can talk to me.

What's on your mind?

You're a very confusing young lady.

I'm not sure what to do with you.

Confusing, how?

You seem to have it all figured out.

You have such an understanding of who and what you are.

I'm in my 40s, pregnant,

with not a whole lot to look forward to.

How can you say that?

For one thing you're a brave and beautiful 40 year old.

- 41. - 41 year old.

And you have this baby coming.

I mean, how crazy is that?

You have an amazing life and incredible father.

You're just about the nicest woman I've ever met.

Okay, you're going to make me blush.

I'm an old hag, a mean old hag.

And I like being one actually, it's part of my charm.

When did you know you were gay?

Oh, I actually can't remember not knowing.

But you're so pretty, and you wear dresses,

and you put makeup on.

Hey, Laurel, being gay does not dictate

how my hygiene or how I dress.

No, I know.

I was with a woman once and I thought-

- Look, Laurel, I have enjoyed spending time with you.

Everything is not sexual.

You don't have to move every time I touch you.

I'm not trying to hit on you.

That's not why I'm trembling.

Oh wow, that was such a shitbag thing.

That was a terrible...

All right, if you do that one more time

you're just going to have to come to bed with me.

Hello.

Terri?

Hello.

Your asshole of a boyfriend is here to make amends.

So she's gone?

Every bit of clothing, everything.

What are you going to do about it?

Nothing I imagine.

What am I supposed to do?

She wants nothing to do with me.

Oh, I can't imagine she wouldn't want

to have anything to do with you.

You guys were good together.

You only had one problem as a couple.

Yeah, what was that?

You, you're an ass.

Yeah, I know.

Not just a little one either.

You big stupid ass asshole.

I know, thank you.

You finished?

Yeah.

I liked the egg salad.

You're getting better at it.

It's from a store, you ass.

It's in a box.

To inappropriately change the subject,

would you mind taking me to my checkup?

I'm not allowed to drive anymore.

You never should have been allowed to drive.

You're terrible.

Yes, absolutely, I can take you.

I wasn't aware you couldn't drive anymore.

How long is that going to last?

I have multiple sclerosis.

Physically I'm going to keep getting worse

and pretty soon I'm going to die.

You gotta start paying attention to the world around you

or you're just going to miss it.

Who is going to take care of you?

You better not get weepy eyed.

I swear if you do, I'm going to take this cane

and I am going to ram it so far up your asshole, I promise.

You got it?

- I got it. - Okay.

Do you want to get out of here?

Ah, I'm too tired to move.

Can we just sit here a little bit?

Okay.

Laurel, Laurel.

Darling, Laurel.

Are you up here? Laurel.

Laurel, darling, I can't for the life of me

find my, lesbian.

Your what?

My lesbian.

No, no, I mean my lesbian.

Oh, I said it again.

I'll be right back.

Who's there?

Dr. Lesbian.

I mean, Dr. Leaver.

Come in, Daddy.

All right, I'm going to try this again.

My tie.

Have you seen my maroon tie?

Yes, it's in the garbage.

It was horrid.

Right, understood.

What about my yellow tie?

Horrid.

Are there any of my ties in the house

that you haven't thrown out?

Your red and green tie is in the closet downstairs.

All right, I'll just go and pull it out,

out of the closet.

I'm going to leave now.

I trust I'll see both of you later this evening

at my retirement party?

Of course.

Do you want us to bring anything?

No, I can see that you have your hands full.

You seen her?

Have you seen her?

Seen who?

I can't find her.

She's gone.

Find who?

Who are you talking about?

I keep looking,

I've been looking for a long time

and I can't figure out where she is, man.

You okay, man?

You want me to call the nurse?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

They're going to make me forget.

I don't want to forget.

It's right here.

Every morning I wake up and I smell the same feeling

and they always make me forget.

But why would they do that?

Want me to help you remember?

- Would you? - Yeah.

You need a hug?

Not particularly.

All right.

Terri, phone call.

Who is it?

Someone who says that he will absolutely slit his wrists

if you don't speak to him right this minute.

Did he give a name?

As in there'd be more than one?

How many men do you have willing to slit their wrists?

More than enough actually.

Tell him to bugger off, will ya?

- Seriously. - Okay.

Yeah, not going to happen.

- Really? - Yep.

What?

- She said that? - She did.

And you told her the whole part about slitting my wrists?

- Yep. - Oh, very cold.

Good luck with that.

All right, bye.

All right, time for a new mode of attack.

And that would be game.

Oh, for crying out loud.

I lost again. I know, sadly.

Sadly outclassed.

You are so mean.

Well, I could treat you like a child

and let you win if you'd like.

Perhaps that's what I'm doing, letting you win.

Unlikely.

You broke my arm trying to steal home

in a family baseball game.

When I'm playing catcher, nobody's steals home on me.

I was six.

So what?

Which is why you're never

going to beat me at anything again.

Let's play.

Dr. Leaver.

Hi, just wanted to wish you well on your retirement.

And I hope you enjoyed your dinner tonight.

Oh well, thank you, thank you very much.

You're welcome.

You're looking awfully white tonight.

Perhaps you could wear a badge or something.

Pardon me?

Oh, no need to pardon yourself.

But do yourself a favor and find an optometrist.

He can help you out with that colorblindness in no time.

She's the chef, Daddy.

Of course, dear, but it doesn't

make her any less colorblind.

Dinner is lovely, thank you.

Yeah, sumptuous, except for the escargot.

It looked an awful lot like snails.

Oh no.

I will make sure we do better next time.

Excellent.

And about the lobster. I-

- Daddy, a pancreatic tumor.

Right.

The dinner is lovely.

Why don't you pull up a chair

and join us for a while until I do my speech.

So let me get this straight.

You have no recommendations for a costume

for a man trying to win back the woman of his dreams.

Perhaps a fuzzy bunny.

Girls all like fuzzy bunnies.

Yeah, I'm not sure that necessarily says

virile young man, you know.

You didn't ask for virile.

You asked for a woman catcher.

Fuzzy bunny costumes always worked for me.

You've done this before, Have you?

Of course.

How else do I get laid?

Yeah, still, I think I'm gonna need something different.

Something that's never been done before, you know,

something powerful or dynamic.

I think I got just the thing.

First of all, I'd like to thank you all

for coming tonight.

Hopefully it won't be the last time

I remember seeing all of you.

To our colorblind chef,

I'd like to thank you for a delicious meal.

I'd also like to thank Dr. Kelly

for not only being my friend,

but to have the testicular fortitude

to tell me to quit my job and become a mindless nitwit.

I'd like to thank Sarah Forkey

for teaching me the meaning of French

and for knowing that blow is not just a figure of speech.

Of course, Sarah's not here right now, but if she-

- Daddy, Daddy.

Was, oh right.

But most importantly,

I'd like to thank my beautiful, talented daughter Laurel.

Not only is Laurel going to make me a proud grandfather

in a few months, but she's also given me the pleasure

of moving in with me while she learns to be a lesbian.

I'm surprised it took her this long to figure out.

She didn't have a boyfriend until she was 20.

And she liked tennis a little too much for my liking.

Welcome to knowing who you are, dear.

The truth is, life is about love.

And no matter what, there's nothing ever wrong

with loving and being loved.

A man has only two things in this life

that he ever really needs.

First of all, to be loved.

And secondly, death?

Hello, everyone.

Welcome, death.

Here for dessert, are you?

Excellent, come, sit.

No, I'm here for Terri.

She's a bit young, don't you think?

Take the old fart in the corner, why don't ya?

I mean, it'll you save you a trip later.

No, no, I'm here for Terri.

Jack, is that you?

Surprise.

Why are you dressed as the Grim Reaper?

It's my way of saying I'll die if you don't take me back.

Please take me back.

You dressed up as death to win me back?

Well, yeah.

I mean, it's probably not the best costume

I could have picked.

You came to my restaurant,

you interrupted this man's retirement dinner,

and you're dressed like this, why?

Because, because I love you.

Hey, what are you doing?

We have to find her tonight.

Why, dude?

You said you'd help me.

- You promised. - Ssh.

Any idea where we're going.

Absolutely not, no.

But that's never stopped me before.

All right, let's do it.

Okay. Go, that way.

Okay, go.

Keep going.

Oh, shit, shit, shit.

Hold on.

What are you doing?

Gotta sign out.

We have to sign out.

Go.

Can you see her?

See who?

My angel, man.

You have an angel?

Yeah, the best part of my life is my angel.

You don't have one?

Oh, everyone should have an angel.

I don't.

I wish I did.

What's she look like?

See, that's what I'm trying to remember.

They gave me all these drugs to make me forget.

I don't want to forget, Dave.

I want to remember.

Some nights she's there

and I reach out to touch her and she's gone.

Well, I can't help you find her

if I don't know what she looks like.

Hey, why'd you bring me here, man?

You do realize that I could suspend

your treatment for this.

Yeah, look, he wanted to leave.

I thought it was best if I followed him.

No harm was done.

Are you sure about that?

Look, Geoff is a very special case.

He doesn't need any road trips

beside the water in the middle of the night.

You could have done some serious damage to him.

You have all your faculties intact.

Geoff, on the other hand,

he won't be leaving here anytime soon.

This is his home.

You must realize this.

Are you saying he can't get any better?

I thought he just had his head busted in a football game.

Is that what he told you?

Yeah, he said that Margaret Thatcher busted his melon.

What else did he tell you?

Well, that he had his own angel

and he couldn't remember her

because of all the drugs you guys are giving him.

Look, I know it sounds crazy.

Yes, angel, yes, yes, yes.

Quite tragic indeed.

What if I talked to his family?

Maybe they can stop all this.

I'm afraid his family won't be involved in his treatment.

And why not?

Because Geoff's family is dead.

Geoff never played football.

A number of years back he took his family ice fishing.

The ice cracked and the wife and daughter both drowned.

There was nothing he could do.

Eventually he ended up here after a few stops in between.

You really didn't know?

They found him in the water searching for them.

They figured he'd been there for quite a while

before anyone even noticed.

They had to physically drag him out of the water.

He wouldn't get out.

He should have froze to death from the cold.

It's a minor miracle.

He was inconsolable, to say the least.

I believe they had to literally knock him out cold

to keep him from jumping back into the water.

So you understand that he cannot

be encouraged to go find them.

Does he know they're dead?

The wife, yes.

I think he grasped that.

His daughter, no.

He was so distraught that when they told him about the wife,

he became violent and unmanageable.

We've medicated him enough to keep him under control.

But therapy simply has not worked so far.

But we'll keep trying.

So you guys are medicating him

to prevent him from loving too much.

You no longer need to be here, David.

It's time for you to leave.

I realize that he's become your friend.

But you have to trust me that we're acting

only with his best interests in mind.

I think I know what I want to do for you.

Do you?

That's nice.

Do you want to know?ú.

Not particularly.

I'm confident that you'll tell me eventually.

And even better yet, you'll just do it.

Your move.

Oh, sorry I said that.

You gonna be okay?

You know, I've been curious about you

since you came in here.

Yes, I have, yeah.

You know why?

'Cause you don't look like the suicidal type.

Not that there's a type to that sort of thing,

I suppose, but you don't.

Life's hard, it's really tough.

Some days you think you got the tiger by the tail

when all along it's got you.

What do you mean?

Well, it's like this, you know,

like everybody has their tiger, right?

It's a ghost that lives inside us.

It's that monster that chases you

through your dreams at night and won't let you go,

always trying to catch ya.

But here's the thing, it's not real.

No, it's only real if you let it be.

But it's hard not to because it stirs

everything up in here, right?

It's all the couldas and shouldas and wouldas

and why didn't I, and why did I.

It's always tearing and ripping at ya.

But it's not real.

You know what John F. Kennedy said?

John F. Kennedy said, "Those people who foolishly ride"

"the back of the tiger for power"

"eventually end up inside it."

Now that may not mean much to you,

but it means an awful lot to me,

because I took it to mean

that if you try to control the tiger,

it'll eventually eat you alive.

But here's the thing.

The tiger is life.

It's life.

You know, it's beautiful, it's fearsome, and strong.

It's good and it's bad.

It's everything.

So enjoy the beauty of it

in all its complexity and trouble, fear.

And if you can do that,

then life will get a whole lot easier.

Yes it will.

Melvin, you lost me a bit at the JFK part,

but that last part made sense.

I feel like I feel better.

Why are you still in here?

I guess I just like watching tigers.

Merry Christmas to you.

- You're late. - Yeah.

Grab one of these.

Are you feeling better?

Ah, day one, you know.

Oh, nothing like being a family at Christmas.

I only have two rules in this house

and I'll expect you to abide by both of them at all times.

Yes, sir, I understand.

First of all, there's no shooting

your ears off in the house.

Outside on the walkway is fine,

but there'll be no bleeding ear cavities

in the pantry or in the living room.

I've taken the liberty of making some signs in places

for you to shoot your ears off and where you shouldn't.

This sign I believe is self-explanatory.

I designed it myself.

And this sign is designed to let you

shoot yourself as much as you please.

I don't think you have to worry about me-

- Shooting your ears off again.

I thought I told you not to do that in here.

Oh, let's start again.

No, sorry, Dr. Leaver.

I won't do it again, I promise.

What was the second thing?

Oh, the second thing.

There'll be absolutely no sleeping with the lesbians.

Not that I think you have a chance.

You've got a penis, boy.

What good would that do you with a lesbian

for crying out loud?

That's like bringing a samurai sword

to a jello eating contest.

Lesbians don't want pepperoni.

They want peaches.

Least you can do is leave your sword at home

and not be disturbing their jello.

Yeah, you are enormous.

You're not helping.

Gigantic, monstrous even.

How the hell did you get that on?

I'm not sure the physics of it are even possible.

Messing with a seriously pregnant woman

might not be healthy for your wellbeing.

I think you look great.

I'm a pregnant dyke.

I wish I didn't have to go to this thing tonight.

I don't feel very feminine.

I never do.

You have curves in all the wrong places

and now they're just much, much larger.

I think you look stunning.

You're lovely, and full of shit.

You look very feminine.

How could you say that?

I look more like Hardy than Laurel.

Oh, there is nothing more feminine than a pregnant woman.

And there is no one more beautiful than you tonight.

But feel free to have that baby anytime

'cause you're getting too big for the bed.

Yes?

Oh, are you sure I want to be here?

You promised that you were going to be good.

It's taken me a long time to plan this thing out.

Now you're going to go in and have a good time

if it kills you or not.

Well, depending how long it lasts

and I have to be here, it probably will.

You can stop that kind of talk right now.

Will I know anybody?

Probably not.

The party is for you, after all.

Now get in there.

Okay.

Where did all these people come from?

Did you buy them?

Everybody's here because they wanted

to come celebrate your life.

Hm.

Since you are dying later tonight and all.

Come on, let's go.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Don't wait.

I'll just tell everyone you got me drunk

and left me here alone, okay?

I'm happy to walk with you, even if it takes all night.

And at this pace, it just might, all right?

Besides, it's Christmas, and it's your privilege and duty

to watch your younger brother

make a complete ass of himself, so.

Oh, just like every year.

Yes, absolutely.

On behalf of my father and myself,

I'd like to thank you for coming tonight

to share both Christmas Eve and to participate

in a celebration of my father's life.

Mr. Templeton.

You may not remember me, but I used

to play baseball for you when I was younger.

Oh.

You had a saying you told us before every game

that if you played your hardest,

it doesn't matter if you win or lose

because in essence you've already won

because you've been true to yourself.

Thank you for being a part of my life.

And to give this to you.

Thank you.

- Evening, Chester. - Evening, sir.

Oh yes, thank you.

I wrote this down because otherwise

I'd tell you something about nothing

and confuse the living crap out of both of us.

Dr. Leaver, your note.

Oh, whoops again.

Chester, we've been friends for over 30 years

and never once had an argument.

I can honestly say that I hold no other man's opinion

in higher regard than I do yours.

You are a good man, a loving man.

Your impact on my life has been significant.

And the memory of you will stay in my mind long,

long after the rest of the shit has fallen out.

This is for you.

I believe it's a suppository.

Thank you for your life and your spirit.

Thank you, God bless you.

I love him.

Oh.

I just wanted to take this time

to thank our wonderful chef Terri

for providing us with an absolutely delicious dinner.

And there's someone else here

who would like to say a few words to Terri.

Jack?

What the hell is going on?

A last ditch effort it looks like.

Just give him a couple of minutes to say what's on his mind.

Sorry for interrupting your dinner.

Hopefully this doesn't turn out to be

one of those horrid stories from Christmas past.

And if it does, I'd like to apologize

profusely beforehand for any scarring.

Several months ago, I did perhaps

one of the stupidest things in my life.

And considering the mass amount of stupidity that I've done,

that's saying an awful lot.

Something that my sister can attest to, I'm sure.

After spitting reindeer testes at my girlfriend

I told her that I was planning a life without children

and insinuated that I didn't want to spend my life with her.

Now I have tried to make up for it 100 different ways

from flowers to letters, to dressing up as a Grim Reaper.

You know, all of the things

that men try to do to woo someone back.

And to be honest, I failed miserably.

I've done nothing more than embarrass the both of us.

Now Terri, I have no more flowers to give

and I was never that good at poetry.

And, to be honest, I don't think that you'd take me back

even if I roped the moon and brought it to your back door.

But it's Christmas, and Christmas is about family.

And I realized how much I want one

and how much I want one with you.

You asked me before about clarity

and I gave you a terrible answer,

which wasn't completely untrue.

Like a lot of things in my life, I am unclear.

But the one thing I can say with upmost certainty

is that I'm in love with you.

And if you're willing to spend

the rest of your life with me,

I promise to make sure that you never doubt that again.

You're proposing?

I wouldn't say that, unless I would.

Yeah?

If I ever would have know it was that easy,

I would have done this months ago.

Touching.

It's touching, isn't it?

I mean, it almost makes you want to cry just a bit.

Just don't judge.

I'm just in touch with my sensitive side right now.

It's very.

I need to leave.

Leave, why?

I gotta, I gotta do something for a friend.

I just, I gotta go.

But what about Christmas?

It's all about family, right?

It really is.

And mine is not all here.

Hey, are you okay?

I'm not sure.

What's the matter, dear?

Oh my God, my water broke.

Oh, at Christmas, that's simply absurd.

I've seen that look before.

Your mother gave it to me just before you were born.

Okay, we need to get her to a hospital.

Oh no.

I think it's coming.

Shouldn't we let a doctor decide that?

- Ah. - Oh, Daddy.

No, no, no, you have at least a few hours

after the water breaks.

You're overexaggerating.

Of course, it might be a good idea

to have a doctor look at you.

Is there a doctor in the house?

Yeah, you.

Oh, oh, yes, yes.

You're right.

But you do realize, of course, that I'm retired now.

Well you still know how to deliver a baby though, right?

Of course I do, pumpkin.

But the question is, can I do it well?

Well, you're going to have to.

I don't want to.

What do you mean you don't want to?

Well, baby delivering is an awful mess.

Blood everywhere.

Large chunks of flesh flowing out,

screaming, irrational women.

Daddy, if you don't deliver this baby right now,

you're going to get a bird's-eye view of my fist.

You could have just said please, dear.

Do you see anything?

I'm not blind.

Just mentally incapacitated.

Of course I can see.

You're going to be all right, just breathe.

You know, just like at class.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.

Keep breathing, dear.

It helps with the live birth.

And we can do without all the noise.

It makes it very difficult to concentrate.

You don't want me making a mistake now.

I can see you're not going to be civil about this.

So let's just push and get this over with.

Yeah, the head is coming out.

It's human.

Daddy, I swear to God.

- Oh crunch. - What, what what?

There's only half a baby here.

I've got the head and the torso.

Nothing else.

Oh, wait a second.

I stand corrected.

It hadn't finished coming out.

Oh, three quarters of a baby.

That's much better.

And no one really likes half babies.

At least with a three quarter baby

they can wiggle around on their stumps.

It's a joke.

You'd think people would have a sense of humor at Christmas.

God.

Seriously, just one more push should just about do it.

One more and all that's left is the lifelong torment

of what we call bringing up a child.

Ready?

Your life will never be the same, tragic as that may sound.

- Yes, yes. - Okay, push.

Yes, yes.

Okay, you can push.

Come on, come on, you can do it.

Come on, that's it, that's it, that's.

Is it all right?

Yeah, no, no, no, it's fine.

Here we go.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh.

Thank you for the greatest party.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Thank you, sir.

Are you sure you want to do this?

It's going to hurt.

We can go back any time.

Hey, man, my life's full of hurt.

You said it's going to answer some questions,

so yeah, yeah, let's do it.

Hey, that's my present, right?

It's my angel.

You found her.

That's your wife, Geoff.

Her name was Julia.

And your angel was your daughter.

- Her name was- - Angeline.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Geoff. - No.

You think because you're out of the hospital now

you can cure me, is that it?

This is your wife.

This is your daughter.

Yeah, and they drowned a few years ago.

I know.

You did everything you could.

No.

No, I didn't.

No, I didn't.

So what, this is where they live?

This is where you live.

They'd want you to be well.

They'd want you to move on.

Hi.

I have a present for you.

Right.

What's that?

I wrote about our time together.

And I included passages from everyone that was here too.

I was hoping that you would read it.

Well, I don't have a lot of time to read now,

but I'm sure it's wonderful.

How about a game then?

You're on.

I've got gold pieces, and you have what?

Red.

I hear they're lucky.

It is.

Good girl.

I needed a hug.

Dad?

Dad?

You win one game of checkers and...

Oh no, Daddy.

No, God.

I'm afraid I had to tape this bit with the help of Edward,

specifically, of course, to tell you that I told you so.

Stop smiling.

I'm dead, for crying out loud.

Dammit, a man should have tears at a time like this.

I'm a simple man.

I tell things simply.

I just wanted you to know you were

my one great compass throughout my life,

and I'll see you in 40 years.

I'll be waiting for you for the next game.

And I love you.

There are two sure things in life.

The first is death.

The second is that you have the ability in life

to do anything or be anything,

and to hope for anything you want to.

You'll have tragedy, but you will find love.

You will all have a defining moment in your life

that will carry with you till the end of time.