Original subtitles

I'm saying I don't feel safe. They broke into the Silversteins' house!

Okay, sure, 'cause guns make things safer.

Let's get one for all the neighbors.

Maybe not all the neighbors.

Why? You can't picture Phyllis with an AK-47?

Hey, hey, hey.

- You got any idea what time it is? - I was out.

You just got grounded for another week.

- What the fuck? - What did you say?

- No, no, no. - Shut your mouth!

- You're too hard on him, Paul. - What do you suggest? We hug it out?

- Swaddle him? - I'm worried about him.

- Please. Can we not do this tonight? - We need to talk about this, Paul.

Okay, good. You're awake.

What's that glint? Why are you glinty?

- Um, I'm gonna say something. - Okay.

And I am just asking that you try not to shit on it.

- Yeah. - Okay.

So, um, I was feeling crazy with selling the house,

and Mikey and the 80 grand, so I asked Jacob to send me a sign.

And, Paul,

the lights in his bedroom flickered.

Yeah. What, like, uh... like Poltergeist with the little weird lady?

"It lies to the child, Carol Anne. Carol Anne!"

That's not what she sounds like.

You're shitting.

- Yeah. - No, I'm not. I'm not.

- I'm not shitting. - No, but yeah... Oh, but you fully are.

Any time I...

... bring up anything even remotely spiritual or hopeful,

this is what you do.

So, no, not a surprise.

Here.

I don't think you'll shit on this.

The hell is this?

$80,000.

How the hell did you get $80,000?

Oh fuck!

You sold your piano?

Well, because you've been carrying so much.

And Mikey was demanding that money.

And Jerry, my tuner, said he knew a buyer.

- So I-- - The gun was in there, Lydia.

- You... you kept the gun? - I--

Why? Why? Why would you keep the gun?

What the hell else was I supposed to do with it? It's evidence.

So you put it in my fucking piano?

The piano survived the fuckin' Holocaust!

I thought it was the one safe place!

Okay... Who'd he sell it to?

Yeah. Uh, it's a private collector.

- I think his information might-- - Okay, I'll deal with it.

You should've told me you had the gun.

You have to communicate, Paul.

Then why did you sell the one thing we own that actually means something

without consulting me?

- I can't play anymore, and-- - You don't play anymore.

And when Jerry said he knew someone who was willing to pay 80 grand,

it felt like a miracle, okay?

And maybe that's why Jacob--

Oh, you don't really believe he's talkin' to you through the lights!

I... I know what I felt, okay?

And maybe I... I don't know what he's trying to say, but--

Maybe he's trying to say that we live in an old house with shitty wiring

that I cobbled together because I'm too cheap to hire an electrician.

Which is why we should sell to those developers.

No. No one is tearing down this house. Especially now.

If Jacob's here...

We're selling, Lydia.

No. Listen. Please.

Please, please, stop fightin' this.

The longer we stay here, the worse you...

We... we have to get out of here before we both lose our minds.

Okay?

- Oh, I almost forgot. - What?

I made a Pinterest page for the Derby Drive house.

- I can't turn my design brain off. - Oh wow.

It's elevated Kardashian.

Kylie, not Kim.

It's nice, but the Morgans don't wanna sell to a developer.

- What? - Yeah.

It's fine, though. The margins never made sense.

Right. Mmm, gotcha.

I mean, I have leads on other properties.

so why don't I get together a little naked presentation

and show you on Thursday?

Yeah...

I gotta be in Vegas for this deal on Thursday. I can't.

- Vegas? - Can't do it. Yeah.

Ooh!

Maybe I should come with.

I know Vegas like the back of your hand.

Sure your husband would love that.

He's barely looked at me in six months.

I hitched my wagon to a dying horse.

Ah, well, it would be fun to have you there, but I gotta stay low-key.

I can't have Tweedle-Doug and Tweedle-Brad catch wind

that I'm flying solo on this one.

Right. Yeah. I just think we make such a good team.

It would be so fun to work together.

Yeah.

It would be fun.

Again, Mr. Friedberg, I appreciate you opening your door to me.

And... and I realize how strange this must be.

Oh, this is up there with the strangest.

Your wife sold the piano without your knowledge,

and now you would like to say goodbye to it?

Ah, I know. It sounds odd, but...

we all have our "picadillos," and this one's mine.

That's not the right use of the word "picadillo."

Okay.

I don't think you're here to say goodbye to a piano.

I think you're here for this.

Ah! Good morning, house huntees! Welcome back.

- Hello again! - Oh, look at the stained glass.

God, I love a good stained glass.

- She does. - Tidbit alert.

That stained glass was actually installed by a previous owner of great renown.

You ever heard of a little tap dancer named Gene Kelly?

- What? Did he live here? - What?

No, but his agent did.

Oh, and I'm sure you've heard of LA Phil conductor Gustavo Dudamel.

- Of course. - Did he live here?

No, but his former pianist does.

Wait, where's the piano? There used to be a piano right there.

Mm, memory palace over here. Loving you today.

No, but, like, last--

I mean, at the open house.

- There was a piano. - Right, well...

Probably what's happening is the owner's getting it tuned. That happens.

Any-bobs, you gals make yourselves at home.

This casa es you casa for a tight 20.

- Can we go upstairs? - Of corks. Run amok!

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Where the hell is the piano?

Have you ever killed a man, Paul?

No. Course not.

Have you?

Towards the end of the war,

I shot a young soldier named Hans Gudengast.

Barely older than I was.

I was hiding in a neighbor's barn. He found me, was going to turn me in.

You did what you had to do.

I will never forget the fear on his face when I wrestled away his weapon.

How... powerful I felt.

And then... how ashamed.

These... killing machines we create.

No matter where you aim, it's always self-inflicted in the end.

Um, I'm just gonna kinda cut through.

Are you not gonna give me my gun back?

Oh, I will.

For a price.

- You're gonna make me buy it back? - I'm not gonna make you do anything.

But a charitable donation to the USC Shoah Foundation would be nice.

This is the money you gave us.

More charitable.

Right...

- Oh shit. - Oh shit.

Oh, sorry. No, please keep napping. We will turn off the light.

- No! - Okay.

Please leave it on.

And just pretend like I'm not even here.

Okay.

Um...

I'm glad you are here, 'cause...

- Yeah. - ...it's rare you get to meet the sellers.

- Yeah. - You know all the secrets.

- I'm Leslie, and this is my wife, Sarah. - Hi.

Lydia.

You have such a beautiful home, Lydia.

- Thank you. - Wow, you really do.

Oh! Your son a big Dodgers fan?

Um... yeah.

Wow. Who's his favorite player?

Um... I think the guy with the red hair

and the... and the pirate... bad pirate's beard.

Yeah. Justin Turner. He was my favorite too.

It was so sad when we lost him.

Yeah, yeah. That was... that was sad. Yeah.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

So your son's off to college, huh?

Ah, so this is where everyone's been hiding.

Including Lydia.

You need to check out the sunroom.

The dappled light is coming in from the southern exposure.

It's currently a religious experience.

- Yeah. Let's go see it. - You gotta go.

- I wanna see it. - Bye.

- You've gotta go. - Bye!

Love you, Lyd. But you being here is not exactly de rigueur for the process.

Okay. Well, you don't need to get French, Greg.

Well, there's a reason that buyers and sellers don't meet.

- Are you gonna tell me the reason? - No. I just want you to go.

- Doug, you're not making sense. - He's not as good.

- Not as good? - No.

- He's won zero championships. - See, that's where you're wrong.

You think Allen Iverson was a better player than Michael Jordan?

Gwen, tell this jackass he's smoking crack.

Put the pipe down, Doug.

- Put it down. - Jesus. Who ordered another round? You?

- No. - Not me.

- Uh-uh. Thank you. - Oh my God.

Those are on me.

- Margo, hi. - Hi.

What are you... what are you doin' here?

Oh, so funny. I was having cocktails with my friend Sally,

and I was just on my way out, and I noticed you and...

Uh, my partners. This is, uh... Brad and Doug.

No! Not the Brad and the Doug. What?

Gwen has told me so much about you guys,

although she failed to mention how handsome you both were.

Which, dare I say, feels purposeful.

We actually were just wrapping up here, weren't we?

Oh, sorry. I won't interrupt.

Although I did wanna call you.

We dodged a bullet on the Derby Drive place.

- The what-what? - Margo.

The Los Feliz house. I'm the one who brought it to Gwen.

But the margins are a joke.

Where we really should be looking is Glassell Park.

Who's "we"?

It's-- No. Let's, um... You and me. Let's go... let's go talk.

Let's go talk for a second.

- Aw. - Yeah.

Boo. Me wanna stay.

Stay.

Just a second. Real quick.

You're late.

What's up, Paulie? How's it hangin'?

Huh. Just barely, huh?

You're hilarious.

Now I know where you get your small dick energy from.

Here's your money. Now get the fuck out of my life.

Came up with this pretty fast for a guy that's crying poor.

Lydia sold her piano.

Ah, man. You let her sell her piano?

- What kind of husband lets his wife-- - Don't start, Mikey.

Hey.

You're short. Where's the rest?

- I donated it to atone for our sins. - Hey. Don't fuck with me, Paul. Okay?

It's all we could get. It's been less than a day.

You weren't gonna tell me?

Think I'm too fuckin' stupid to notice you cheatin' me?

- Is that the idea? Listen to me. - Nobody's cheatin' you.

You fuckin' listen to me.

You fuckin' owe me, okay? You weak piece of shit.

You don't fuckin' tell me anything. I fuckin' tell you.

That's the way it goes. I fuckin' tell--

- Wait. Hey. - Who's the weak one now?

Relax, dude.

Fuck face.

- Is that the gun from... - Yeah. Yeah.

- I told you to get rid of that, you moron. - I kept it.

In case I needed it for somethin'.

Put it--

- Oh God. Okay... - No, no, no.

Yeah.

Okay, but please don't shoot.

- I... I saw nothing. - No, no. No. Uh...

I'm sorry.

You can't just show up like this. I'm working.

Look, I don't wanna be in business with you.

- Thought you wanted a light side fuck. - I know.

But my heart has a mind of its own, and it wants you.

God, I can't believe this is happening to me again.

- You're married. - For now.

But fuck my husband.

It just feels so good when we're together.

Oh fuck.

Was that my neighbor?

What?

Jesus Christ. Do you think he saw us?

Okay. Okay. You see, that... This is too messy for me. I'm sorry.

No, no, no. Uh-uh. Uh...

I know you want me.

People don't have sex the way that we have sex

unless there's something else there.

That's just the way I have sex.

Hey.

You should ask Gwen about the Vegas deal.

What Vegas deal?

The one she's cheating you out of.

- Bye! - What the fuck?

Thing.

Lydia, hi.

It's so cozy in here.

- I'd never wanna leave. - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Oh my God, you have a ladybug.

Oh, I think my nana likes it here too.

She loved ladybugs,

so whenever I see one, I think it's her sending me a sign.

No, I'm sorry. But-- Are you-- That sounded insane.

- I don't think my grandma is this ladybug. - Oh, no. No. I understand.

I do. I th... Um, I think my son sends me signs too.

Oh, the one that's in college?

Actually, no. He's not... he's not in college.

Oh my God.

I'm so sorry.

Do you and your wife have kids?

No, but not for lack of trying. Uh...

It's just-- It's been a road.

Oh. IVF?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Round number five.

- Oy. - Mm-hmm.

Yeah. It took us three tries to get Emily and then another one to get Jacob.

- Oof. - Yeah, but it was worth it.

Yeah. I mean, raising my children was the...

happiest time of my life.

So good luck.

And I'm gonna think good thoughts for both of you.

Thank you. Um, but actually, if you could just not think those thoughts

out loud in front of my wife, that'd be great.

She's superstitious?

Yes. And also, there's the part where she doesn't know

I'm trying to get pregnant and secretly injecting myself with progesterone, so...

- Okay. Well, that's a feat. - Yeah.

Um, well, I'm a doctor, so...

But she put her foot down after our last try didn't pan out,

and it nearly broke us, so I agreed to stop trying.

Yeah.

I mean, I'm... I'm obviously going to tell her if it's good news.

Right.

Can I offer some unsolicited advice?

Yeah. Please.

Don't keep things from each other, even when it's bad.

- Lydia. Hi. - Hi.

Sorry, quick Q. Um, so I found your listing from three years ago,

and I noticed that... that you guys removed the door in the kitchen, which is weird.

Baby, why don't we leave Lydia alone? She's been really generous with us.

Totes McGoats. Okay. I'm gonna go bug Greg about all this. I have a checklist.

Yeah, yeah. Talk to Greg.

I'm so sorry. She does not leave a single stone unturned.

She can't turn the lawyer off.

- Oh. Leslie's a lawyer. Okay. - Yeah.

Prosecutor for the DA.

See why I'm kinda scared to tell her?

Wow. Yeah. No, that is scary.

Fuck.

Hey, neighbor.

How you doin'?

You... you mind givin' me a hand with somethin'?

Ah, I... I...

- I really appreciate it. Thanks. - Well, uh...

Oh. Hi, Phyllis. What can I...

I just wanted to confirm that you got my email

because I sent it over eight hours ago, and I still haven't received a response,

which honestly seems rude.

Uh, was it a specific email?

Just 'cause you send so many.

- Uh, and I've been preoccupied. - With selling the house, of course.

I know. We've been watching all the riffraff come and go.

All the ogling and goggling, uh, uh, uh...

Well, I don't like it either. But they're not riffraff.

They're just people.

Last night, Roscoe and Mr. Bojangles were barking up a storm.

And you know they only bark at strangers. Lydia, you have a prowler.

A night stalker.

Pretty sure they caught the Night Stalker in the '80s.

I know. I helped.

Okay.

Yeah. Uh, but I can promise you it was just a raccoon last night.

Paul went and checked.

Oh? Well, Paul lied, because it was no raccoon.

Check your AOL.

Oy.

Thank you.

Hey, I really appreciate the help, Paul. Yeah.

You're a good guy.

- You don't know me that well. - I don't.

I know. It's funny how you can live on the same street as someone and, uh,

know almost nothin' about 'em.

Probably for the best most of the time. Have you met Phyllis?

Oh yeah. Mr. Bojangles.

They ought to cancel his ass after what he did to my knee.

- Yeah. - Hmm.

Anyhow, you know, I wanted to tell you

that, you know, I've always admired your house from afar.

- It's a beauty. - Oh yeah?

- Is that why you came to our open house? - Yeah.

Honestly, you know, your house, it's much more my style

than this, uh... empty vessel.

Why don't you put an offer on it, if you like it so much?

Oh yeah. I love it. I'm not sure my wife would go for it.

Really? She seemed pretty interested in it at the open house.

- She was there? - Yeah, I don't know what I'm sayin'.

My wife, she'd never go for it either. They got that weird thing.

Uh, they do?

Yeah.

Yeah. My wife's not a huge fan.

No offense, but she kinda hates her.

Okay. That should do the trick.

Okay. Well, gee, thanks.

I, uh-- You know, it's, like, three years in.

I still have no idea how to use this system.

But, you know, Margo,

she wanted top-of-the-line after this place got robbed.

Well, women like to feel safe.

Yeah. I mean, you know, she was more pissed than anything else.

You know, they got her gold jewelry and this diamond Rolex she bought me, which...

That's exactly why you should never spend 50 grand on a watch.

I mean, that was a lot to lose, and...

Hey, Paul, uh, I'm sorry. That was really inconsiderate.

- Uh, I'm a dumbass. - Eh, it's fine.

Oh, hey, I... I wanted to tell you that my Bible study,

we... we still pray for your family.

- Yeah? Oh. - Yeah.

That's, uh...

Oh... okay.

You know, I... I can't believe

they never caught the guy.

Well, Paul, if it's any comfort...

I know that Jacob's up there, and...

he's still watchin' over you.

It isn't

comfort.

But thanks.

You're welcome.

Okay.

So you really like the house? You're not just saying that to appease me?

Bitch, appease. I love it. I love you. We're in this together.

I told you there were no bad vibes.

Oh, there were.

They just turned out to be a little less hostile demon

and a little more... grieving mother.

What are you talking about?

You know the son's room we were in?

He died.

- Oh my God. - I know.

But Lydia told me that raising her kids was still the happiest time of her life.

That poor woman. I mean, I can't even imagine.

Yeah.

God, did we make the right call not having kids.

Do you know how he died?

What?

The son. I mean, do you know what happened?

No, I don't know. You can't just ask someone how their son died.

I mean, you would.

No, I wouldn't.

But I would google it.

Les?

What the...

I'm pregnant.

Fuck.

You okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. Totally fine.

Is there anything that you'd like to tell me?

No. Why?

Because I'm just a little confused. Our neighbor Paul came by earlier.

He came over?

- Yeah, and he told me something. - He did?

- Yeah, he saw you. - Huh.

- Why act like you don't know what I mean? - Okay, I can explain. I swear.

- Margo, just don't beat around the bush-- - I know it was wrong.

And that's why I was breaking it off when Paul saw us.

- Now, what are you talking about? - What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the open house where he saw you.

Oh shit.

- Oh no. - Oh no.

You didn't!

Why? When? Uh... with who?

I can't believe this is happening to me in real life.

This is like season 19, Rising Tides.

- You've made a cuck out of me. - No. No.

You made me a card-carrying cuck.

- No! - Thanks a lot!

No, no, no. You are not a cuck.

- I promise. Please, baby. - Oh, yes.

I love you so, so much.

- Oh, yeah! - I know I'm not perfect.

- Yeah... - But neither are you. Remember?

I stood by you while you were 5150'd.

Hey, that was a medical emergency, all right?

It's not like I was out... fornicating with someone else.

- Right? - Oh, you think it's been easy for me?

You lost your job!

- You lost your reputation. - Oh God.

And I stayed because you were hurting.

And now I'm hurting.

The only reason I did what I did

is because I feel like you don't even want me anymore.

Hey, it was the meds.

- I had mild hallucinations. - How do you think I feel?

- And a low libido! - You can't get it up for me anymore.

Oh... Hey, I don't think the whole neighborhood heard you.

Come on. I'm sorry.

- Give me another chance. - Ugh.

I promise I will make it up to you.

Please, please, please.

You know what a great team we are.

I don't know anything anymore.

Baby.

Yeah. Huh!