Original subtitles

Twas the night before Christmas, on the realm they call Earth

and in Yonderland too, tis the season of mirth.

It�s Thanktival Eve, with its wreaths and its bunting

and love and good feeling and some drunken fumbling.

But amongst this joy lurks something malicious.

For presents bring he who finds them delicious.

Well, it hasn�t been delivered.

No, I need it today, it�s a Christmas present.

Yes, I know I�ve left it a bit late you passive aggressive little sh-

Sugar paste and three egg whites. Should be perfect for the cake. Okay, Sue. Bye.

Should we put the mince pies in the oven? We did put �from seven� on the invites.

Yeah, look, Pete. You know how I said that I would buy your mum and dad�s Christmas present this year...

Yes! And it�s a great idea.

Now I know you�ve never quite, you know, clicked

but they were so touched when I told them that you�d picked out something special.

You�ve told them?

Well...I thought that was the point!

You know, you and them bonding et cetera.

Are you worried it�s not enough?

You could say that I�m concerned about the amount of it I have.

Debs, it�ll be perfect. Because you are perfect.

Merry Christmas.

Is that coriander?

Yeah, shop was shut.

See the white bits there? Jelly beans.

Hm. Bit soggy.

What are you doing here? I�m off until after Boxing Day.

Is that a real thing? Thought you were joking.

How is that funny?

Well it�s not but have you heard your jokes?

Look, what do you want because I�m busy?

- The Elders want to see you. - Well, is it urgent?

Um...either I didn�t ask or I didn�t listen.

Go on.

Mince pies, mince pies.

Pete, I�m just popping out to. ..deliver these cards. I won�t be long.

- Oh! Pick up some Amaretto for mum! - Okay!

Otherwise she�ll get on the gin. And we know how that ends.

ALL: The Chosen One!

Okay, look, is this urgent because there�s a thing where I�m from called Christmas?

ALL: Happy Thanktival!

What�s Thanktival?

What�s Chrizmans?

So, the baby Jesus climbs down the chimney...

No, that�s Santa.

And who is it disrobes under the mistletoes?

No one. We just kiss.

- Sometimes more at office parties. - Oh.

What is Thanktival?

It�s a very special day where we give our loved ones presents

to thank them for their love and friendship throughout the year.

- That�s lovely. - Well, keeps the murder rate down.

That�s why we asked you here, Debbie. To give you your Thanktival pressie.

And I see you�ve brought Christiformas gifts for us.

- Oh goodie! - Oh. No, no, no.

They�re very thin. I wonder what�s inside them.

Maybe don�t open them just yet.

Open them? (THEY LAUGH)

Why is that funny?

We don�t open our presents, Debbie.

What, not at all?

On Thanktival Eve we lay out the presents.

And when you wake on Thanktival Day, they�re all gone.

Eaten.

By Chompus.

- Chompus? - Yes. A demon, some say.

A spirit, some say.

A goat with two winkies, some say.

Well, Les from the pub said that.

(THEY GROAN) Les again.

Why don�t you open all your presents now before Chompus can eat them?

Because then Chompus would eat us instead.

Besides, having your presents eaten is all part of the tradition.

Weird tradition.

And a fat man coming down the chimney and stuffing presents in a sock is dead normal is it?

Okay, I get your point.

But if you never open the presents why do you give them in the first place?

We have a saying here, Debbie.

The emotion behind the gesture of giving the present

is more important than the manifest gift in and of itself.

�It�s the thought that counts�.

That is better. Write that down.

However, Deb-beh, we have thought of a Thanktival gift for you that Chompus cannot consume.

Guys, that�s really lovely, but I really have to...

Comes in the form of a song.

Yeah, seriously, I really have to...

Sung by our very own children.

It can wait.

May we present the Elders' Youngers with The Days of Thanktival.

(OUT OF TUNE) # On the first day of Thanktival I climbed a verdant tree

(OUT OF TUNE) # To get a better view of thee

(OUT OF TUNE) # On the second day of Thanktival

Could someone with fingers put them in my ears if I have ears

How many days of Thanktival are there?

- 143 - Excellent.

Humbug!

One each. I just put them in big boxes.

Happy Thanktival.

Happy Thanktival!

Are those for me?

No. They�re for us.

- Who from? - Just the guys.

Boris the doorman, Tim and Eric, Big Mike, Slightly Smaller Mike.

Alright, alright, I didn�t ask for your life story.

I didn�t want any presents anyway because I�m evil, yeah?

And if my father taught me one thing it�s that bad children don�t get pressies.

Or praise. Or a bed.

It�s you lot that have messed up by getting me something. You did get me something didn�t you?

I got you a helmet with spikes on.

I�ve got one of those.

Really? Where?

What about you two?

I got you two tickets to Wrestle-to-Death Macho Mania!

Oh, that would have been amazing! I could have taken my best friend

Steve...floor...demon.

Steven Flordimon! Great guy. One of the best.

Rita, what did you get me?

My Lips Are Sealed.

No talky lip glue! Every hobby torturer�s dream!

Oh, this is so unfair. Decent pressies for once and that flipping monster�s gonna scoff the lot.

Unless...

- Ooh! - He�s hatching an evil plan!

Or he needs a wee.

Bit of both actually. But plan first.

We capture Chompus before he has a chance to eat our pressies. That way we get to keep them.

Oh, I lied about the humbugs. Those are just empty boxes.

Right then. Let�s catch ourselves a monster.

Yeah!

But first, I really do need that wee.

(OUT OF TUNE) # On the 133rd day of Thanktival, I knocked this song upon the head

(OUT OF TUNE) # 'Cos I'd been singing so long that you were dead!

Well that was, that was wonderful. And Merry Thanktival to you all.

Did you hear that? She loved it.

Yes, maybe they really will win.

I�m sorry. Win? What exactly do you think that�s gonna win?

The Thanktival Song Contest.

Every year we enter and every year we�re defeated by that dreadful Johnny Cash.

Johnny Cash?

Well, not his real name, obviously. His real name�s Alan Money.

Choirmaster, property developer and the most arrogant man in the realm.

You�re right to clap. I am amazing.

- Unbelievable man. - Terrible person.

With his groups in the contest, we�ve never stood a chance.

So we�ve decided to enter the children.

And, well, you heard the results.

Yes. Yes, I did. And you might just wanna make a few little changes.

Like what?

Er, well, maybe the song?

- I don�t think there�s anything wrong with that. - No.

And, um, maybe the singers?

Deb-beh hates us!

Now, now, I didn�t say hate.

And that�s not how you pronounce my name.

(ALL TALK AT ONCE)

Let�s just get out of here. Family row. It�s always the same at Thanktival.

Listen, we just won�t enter the competition this year. It�s no big deal.

Actually it, it is kind of a big deal.

What have you done, mate?

- I had a couple of drinks... - Oh...

Let me guess, you bet all your realmly possessions on the Youngers beating Johnny Cash?

No, I didn�t actually.

Well thank goodness for that!

I bet the deeds to the chamber.

What?!

So now we have to win otherwise we�ll be homeless for Thanktival!

ALL: Debbie! Debbie!

I�m back!

- Great timing, my mum and dad are here! - Great!

There she is!

Hi, Barbara.

Ooh, they look nice. So dark and crispy.

- Mind your backs. - Oh, wow. That's a lot of presents.

- Pete! Help your dad! - I am!

Jesus, Dad. We said Lego not lead.

It�s your mothers fault, she�s gone mad.

Oh, give over. If you had your way the kids would get walnuts and a ball of string.

But a little birdie tells me they�re not the only ones being spoiled this year.

There�s talk of a special something from a certain special someone.

Well, it�s the thought that counts. Nigel, how was the journey?

Well, the SatNav lady said M40, M6 but clearly she�s never seen a contraflow at Quinton�s

So there I was on the A435...

Right, if I�m going to hear this again, I will have to have a drink.

Now, have you got that stuff that tastes like almonds?

- Yeah, I think we have. - No. Sorry, I forgot.

I�ll have a gin then.

Make it a double, love.

So, did you decide on the fancy dress or is that just something that you wear?

I�m sorry?

Ah, there she is. Go and get her!

Well I can�t just stroll in there, she�s got company.

But this is urgent.

Hang on. I might have an idea.

No, I said �festive dress� which could be a costume or... Oh, my God!

Hello!

I�m Ted...Higgins from number 73.

Ah, yes. Of course. Ted. So glad you could make it.

Well it�s a pleasure Deb-bie.

Er, Ted, this is Pete, my husband and his parents.

- Hello. - Hello. - Oh! Snap.

Actually, where did I put mine? (DOORBELL)

- Pete could you get that while I fix Ted a drink? - Yeah.

Well, a sherry would be marvellous.

What the hell are you doing here?

It�s an emergency! Elder Pressley has bet our chamber on the outcome of the song contest.

What? Why?

The old demon drink, I'm afraid.

Now, where�s that sherry?

No. We have to fix this. We can�t both go, it�ll look too suspicious.

I will go back to Yonderland and see what I can do.

You stay here but you talk to no one. Now who do you talk to?

No one?

Er, Pete? I�m just gonna pop out and get that Amaretto. Won�t be long.

Oh, hi. I�m Noah.

No one? I believe I�m supposed to talk to you.

So how�s everything in your world?

Look, I said I was sorry. Would you have rather I walked out there?

Alright. Can they get out of this deal? Undo the bet?

No way. The paperwork�ll be watertight. His lawyer�s a fish.

Well, we�ll just have to make sure the Elders' Youngers are good enough to win.

Great! I�ll go get them.

No, no, no. I'm not doing it.

My choir teacher used to pay me to mime.

Come on. There must be a vocal coach in Yonderland.

- Well there was someone but I think he�s retired. - Oh.

- And he�s mad. - Oh.

- And possibly dead. - Oh, keeps getting better.

Look, where can I find him if he is alive?

Come on, I�ll show you.

Er, no, no. You�re gonna have to help me with Christmas.

I need you to find presents for Pete�s parents.

Piece of cake.

Great. What were you thinking?

I just said. Piece of cake?

No. Much better than that.

And do they have Amaretto here?

Course. We�re not animals.

- Okay. Which way? - Oh, right.

- Mummy. - Uh oh. That�s not good.

What? What�s the matter?

Hibernation. His winter sleep. It can last for days.

Can�t wake him, can�t move him and I can�t close the portal.

Oh, for the love... wait there.

- Right. - What�s that?

This is part of Pete�s costume from his am-dram version of Miss Saigon.

So it�s only the second weirdest thing it�s ever been used for.

There. See? You�d never know. Now who am I looking for?

Maverick Bojangles?

Who wants to know?

Well, I don�t know about you lot, but I�m really tired.

- Me too. - Absolutely. - I�m not.

We�re not really going to sleep, you idiot. We had this conversation about three minutes ago.

Not ringing any bells.

Chompus won�t come while we�re awake.

So we pretend to be asleep then get him when he goes for our pressies.

I�ll grab him, you lot get him in the sack.

(LAUGHS) In the sack!

- Grow up, Neil! - Sorry.

Okay. Night, guys!

Night, boss!

Now!

Demons! Demons! Demons!

Wake up! Wake up, you idiots!

Lady, I got one word for you: hell-no.

It�s hyphenated.

Come on, please. You were a choirmaster.

And I�ve heard you were good.

I was the best.

That was a long time ago.

These days it�s just me, few pieces of wood

and blissful silence except the sound of the wind.

And the birds. Flutterbugs. And the bats.

And will you guys shut the hell up!

What happened to you?

I don�t like to talk about it.

- Okay. Okay, no that�s. .. - It was the winter of �69.

That year I had a dream group.

Finest singers in Yonderland.

They called them The Rat Pack. Never knew why.

If your date don�t see eye to eye

There�s no point in hanging around

Man, they were good.

The harmonies, the rhythm.

The ability to clean themselves with their tongues.

That year the contest was ours for the taking. And then it happened.

Jimmy went down first.

By a semitone, maybe more.

That�s when Bobby got hit.

One by one they all went down.

Auralgeddon, some called it.

Others called it the Apoc-ear-lpyse.

Or just the Apocalips because lips, singing.

Yep, I get it.

I can still hear the screams.

Oh, no, that�s that.

What made them go out of tune?

Not a day goes by I didn�t wonder that.

We were cheated for sure, but how?

That question haunts my dreams, my nightmares, my anecdotes.

All I know is I haven�t been able to listen to music since.

So, like I said. I can�t help you.

Okay. Then I guess Johnny Cash wins.

Johnny Cash?

The hell�s Johnny Cash got to do with the price of grease lightning?

I heard he�s the competition.

Why? Do you know him?

I know him alright.

Hates to see anybody else doing well.

So jealous and spiteful.

I�ll never forget his face that fateful night.

Laughing and pointing.

While good men lost their lives!

No, not lives. Pitch.

Well, you know. He�s gonna be laughing again in a few hours so...

Not if I can help it.

You mean...

I may be as much use as a bladdered goose in a cock house

but if it means getting Cash back, you got yourself a choirmaster.

There. We got him in the end.

Are you alright?

Do I look alright? This ruddy monster�s drool has bleached my damn beard!

It�s possible we went a bit method with our sleep acting.

You think?

Still, he won�t be gobbling my gifts this year. Will you, Mr Big Mouth?

Yeah. Looks like this bad boy�s gonna be getting himself some presents.

- Well, everyone is. - What?

Well, if it�s him who eats everyone�s presents

and he�s in there then everyone gets to keep their presents, right?

You...are a genius, Jeffrey!

That�s what my mum says.

There�s a whole realm full of pressies out there just waiting for someone to take them.

Yeah!

I could be rich beyond my wildest dreams!

In terms of gifts and vouchers.

Demons! Fire up the mobility sled. This year, Thanktival belongs to me!

I'd say I�m a civil servant too.

I sit in a room full of idiots trying to keep the evil forces at bay.

Same as all of us, mate. Same as all of us.

Ooh, sorry. Ooh! Look at you.

Like a sexy Des Lynam.

Oh, God. Someone give her more gin.

Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

- Hey, Dad. - No, not Dad! I�m Santa.

But you said the real Santa doesn�t come unless we go to sleep.

Well, don�t believe everything your old dad told you about me.

Does that mean we get presents even if we�ve been bad?

No, it doesn�t. And can you both please go upstairs and put your pyjamas on. Thank you.

Right. Merry Christmas!

Got something in here for you.

You must be quite the hunter, red man.

- I was on the A435... - Merry Christmas!

Fat balls.

Oh, for the birds! I just tend to put seeds out.

I think blue tits like a bit of fat at this time of year.

And coal tits, great tits...

Where do you stand on fat balls?

I beg your pardon?

Well, I�m a fat ball man myself. Birds love them.

Pop them out in the garden, after thirty seconds I can�t move for tits.

(HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER)

Any sign of that almond stuff?

Gin goes right to your mother�s libido.

I will pay you never to say that sentence ever again.

Hey, Mary-Sue.

It�s been a while.

Alright, let�s give this a whirl.

One, two, three.

- # On... - No! All wrong!

He�s flat! She�s reedy!

And his timing is way off!

Well, I tried. I�m sorry, Debbie. Goodnight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Look.

Look I know it�s difficult after everything that�s happened but

don�t you want music back in your life?

You make it sound easy.

You weren�t there, ma�am. You weren�t there.

I know. But imagine the look on Johnny Cash�s face.

I meant imagine the look if we win.

Sorry, I should have made that clearer.

- Okay. - Yeah?

Guys, one more time from the top.

Only you, pitch up.

You, more gusto. And you...

Just mime.

And one, two, three.

# On the first day of Thanktival

See now that�s sounding better already.

I mean it�s not amazing but it�s definitely better

I can�t do it! I just can�t do it!

Good news! I�ve sorted out the pressies.

Bad time?

Yes, this is my best plan ever! (LAUGHS)

Ooh, nice camouflage, guys.

Jeff, what�s with the er...

Well it�s dark out.

Not very evil though, is it?

Oh, give me a sec.

- How�s that? - Much better.

Pull!

Out into the night! More pressies!

I want more pressies! Ha ha ha!

Why can�t I do it?

Why can�t I just face the music?

Please, Gods!

Show me how to break this curse!

Give me a sign!

Show me the light!

Wow, you�re kind of literal, ain�t ya?

Maverick!

Maverick!

Debbie, wait!

Listen. I�ll look for Maverick, you need to get back.

Yeah, okay.

So...Amaretto.

Oh! Great, thank you.

- And for Bob�s dad... - Peter.

Bob�s dad Peter, I�ve got tie and complimentary handkerchief.

That�s actually quite nice.

Likewise. (SHE SCREAMS)

It speaks!

Yeah, it�s complimentary.

Oh, I love your shoes.

No, nothing that speaks!

Fine, I�ll take it back.

For the mum, perfume.

It�s called wild snorchid. It�s meant to be relaxing.

Bit too relaxing if anything.

Look, Maverick was here.

So he couldn�t have gone far.

Oh no.

Yeah, you go...and...

And I�ll go...

My head.

Okay, everyone. Come to the front door. There�s singers!

(ECHOES) There�s singers!

No! Please.

No. You don�t understand.

# Silent night, holy night.

# All is calm...

All is calm.

# All is bright.

It is.

Maverick. You okay?

It�s beautiful.

I don�t hear screams or laughter.

Just melody.

- What is it? - Carols.

Well she�s one very talented lady.

Oh no no no no she�s not...

You know she might let you borrow one.

So, you gonna sing this year?

No, no. Mojo�s got laryngitis so...

Oh and nits so don�t hug me.

Hang on. Looks like there�s been a change of venue. Come on.

After you. After you.

# Sleep in heavenly peace.

Hoorah! Hoorah for singing!

More! The same again!

Who the hell are they?

- Fireworks! - Debs?

It�s fireworks time, everyone. In the garden.

Debs, where the hell have you been?

Oh, Amaretto. I had to go all the way to Barton Road.

Oh, you really do make the effort, you know?

I know, I really do. Now go on, �cause you�re in charge of lighting.

Okay. Ooh, this way, this way.

That�s it. Ah-ah-ah this way.

No, no, no. This way.

Come on, Barbara. Into the garden.

- Would you mind holding onto my fat balls? - Sorry?

My hands are sweating. They just crumble so easily.

Oh, right. Yes, of course.

No, I�m the Grinch.

- And you�re from? - Yonderland!

Never seen it.

Ah-ah! Oh no. Off you go. That way.

Everyone back to their own world!

Go on. Go, go, go!

Perfect. Right.

Deddie!

Deddie, there�s a rumour that you�ve got some...

Ooh! There it is.

That�ll put hairs on your chest.

Right, now then. Fireworks!

Fireworks!

Where could Vex have got to?

Clearly he can�t find Debbie.

Then this chamber is doomed!

No, 'domed'. It�s pronounced �domed�.

I can�t help but feel this is all my fault.

- ALL: It is! - Oh, well that would explain it.

Well, we can�t wait for Vex. We need to get to the contest!

And someone should tell the Youngers what�s riding on their performance.

They need to know!

I�ll go. After all I sort of feel like this is my fault.

ALL: It is!

Yes, alright. I�m sorry I forgot again.

It�s track four and I will be there as soon as I can.

Thank you, Debbie. And you thank Carol for me too.

Yeah, okay. I will do.

Debbie! There you go, presents sorted.

Got them both eye watches.

Well, that sounds...

Too good to be true.

Look, I�d avoid any technology with a heartbeat, okay?

Anything else?

Just keep trying!

Children, I�m sorry.

I�m so very sorry.

I...I was hypnotised by a mad criminal.

(DISTANT SINGING)

It�s a Thanktival miracle!

I must tell the others.

No, wait. I�ve got a better idea.

# Holy infant so tender and mild...

Beautiful. Ain�t it?

Just listen to that rhythm.

Oh yeah. Still got it.

(SQUAWKING)

Polly want a cracker?

(SCREECHING)

Ah-ah-ah-ah. Don�t wanna spoil you.

Might need you hungry.

Knock, knock, Cash!

Oh, it�s you. Come to beg me to cancel the bet, eh?

Double or nothing.

- What? - I�ve heard our song for this year and you�re never gonna beat it, Cash.

I'd put Yonderland on it.

Are you sure the Elders won�t be back?

No, they�re all at the stupid singing contest.

Which means their pressies are now my pressies.

Look at this. It�s just a folded bit of card.

What a rubbish present. Who would want that?

- It�s from Debbie. - Give it to me!

Who the heck�s this berk?

Says his name�s San-ta Cl-a-us.

Here�s another one!

It seems he�s coming to fill some stockings.

- Fill with what? - Severed limbs most likely.

No. With presents.

And there doesn�t appear to be anyone there who eats them.

- You know what this means, don�t you? - Probably not.

It means that Debbie�s world is full of pressies just waiting for me to steal them.

- We just need to find the portal. - Precisely!

You�ve met your match this time San-ta Cl-a-us.

This garden�s bigger than it looks.

Ooh. Fireworks?

Yeah, they�re on first. (CHEERING)

Thank you, thank you so much. Always wonderful to see so many friendly faces here.

And some other types of faces for this Yonderland�s annual...

Nice to see you. Ooh, hello.

Fireworks.

Well, they�re just up there on the stage, so...

But don�t actually- Oh! Hello, Susan.

The Fireworks! (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Hey! Alright?

It�s Thanktival!

He looks vaguely familiar.

From the neck up.

I think the undressing rooms are this way.

- Well, if the stage is... - Woah there, ladies.

Come to wish your awful offspring luck, eh?

It�s good to see your lack of talent hasn�t skipped a generation.

Oh zip it, Cash! The show�s not over �till the fat lady sings!

And she�s not coming because she�s dead.

- Cholesterol. - Oh...

She was massive.

And you�ll hate owning our chamber.

The heating bills are through the roof and there�s a hole in the ceiling.

They might be related, you know?

Gonna knock it down anyway.

It�ll make an excellent rubbish dump in my new land.

- In your...what are you talking about? - What do you mean �new land�?

Oh sorry, didn�t you hear?

Your drunken dummy doubled the bet.

That means, when I win tonight, Yonderland will be mine!

Woah, woah, wait you can�t just say that. What do you mean?

There you are!

Have you heard the good news?

(ALL SHOUT ANGRILY)

What? It�s fine.

Yonderland is perfectly safe.

I heard the kids rehearsing.

They�re absolutely amazing! Check it out.

(OFF-KEY SINGING)

Shall we do resignation first or...

skip straight to the beating?

I wish it could be Thanktival

more frequentlier often than it is.

Top up time!

Oh!

Ooh, now. What I need is a sit down.

Right, that is everyone.

Well, she�s not up there!

I�ve lost her.

(SNORING)

There she is.

Come on, love.

Time for bed.

Oh, did somebody bring a dog?

- What a night. - Yes.

I think I�m gonna turn in.

Well, I�ll follow you up. I�m just gonna deal with the empties.

Oh, it�s lovely party!

Come on, you.

I wish it could be Thanktival more frequently more often

Yes! She�s left the portal open!

Heh, who�s the idiot now?

Still you, Jeffrey, but I take your point. Come on.

One, two, three.

(OUT OF TUNE) # Silent night

No, no, no! Not like that.

Singing is about trust.

You! Tell them something you ain�t told nobody before.

Fine, I�ll start.

I spend my nights crying.

And I wipe away the tears with the dirty underwear

I wore last time I won this contest.

Fifteen years of pink eye right there!

Now, you.

Once I shaved a donkey

and stuck the hair to my chest

so I would look like my dad.

I like to take off my clothes.

I like looking at pictures of nude crones.

I�m a boy!

I once killed a man!

(THEY CRY)

Fragile, messed up, emotionally unstable?

Now you�re more like a band!

Now shall we try that song one more time from the top?

One, two, three.

Alrighty Richard!

So, Youngers to stage left. You�re on in five.

So, would you please welcome to the stage, the fifteen time reigning champion

it�s Johnny Cash and the Posteriors!

# Ow, ow. Ow, ow. Ow. Ow.

# Ow, ow, ow. Ow, ow, ow.

# Ow (BURPS)

(THEY 'OW' IN HARMONY)

Oh Gods, this is a disaster.

Oh, I think he�s rather good.

Yes! That�s why it�s a disaster.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get you.

Wow. This Cl-a-us guy does not mess around.

This is the motherload.

In, in. Quick, quick!

(GASP)

Santa!

Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen.

Do I really look like a "Donna"?

That�s us.

Off you go then. Back to bed.

Can you tell me what I�m getting?

Um, slight change of plan this year, little one.

Um, we�re taking pressies rather than giving them.

Mix things up a bit.

You mean I�m not getting any presents for Christmas?

You�re there. Bye then.

Have I been bad?

Bad boy, Negatus.

Such a bad lad. You�ve been very, very bad.

No pressies for you!

I�m sorry. I�ll try harder next year.

(SHE CRIES)

Put them back.

- What - What?

You heard. We�re putting them back.

All of them.

Ow!

# Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

# Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

# Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow

# Ow! Oww, oww!

Let�s see what the judges have to say about that.

Nines across the whole board!

That puts him right in the lead and there�s only one act left.

So, without further ado, it�s the Elders' Youngers.

(APPLAUSE)

(CHEERING)

(CHEERS TURN INTO SCREAMS)

# Silent night, holy night

# All is calm, all is bright

# Round yon virgin, mother and child

# Holy infant so tender and mild

(SCREECHING)

You want some of this?

Then you know what to do.

# Sleep in heavenly peace

(OFF KEY) # Silent night, holy night

(OFF KEY) # Shepherds pray at the sight

(OFF KEY) # Glory streams from heaven afar

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING)

Hey! Ssh!

Shut up!

(HIGH-PITCHED SCREECHING)

(OFF KEY) # Holy night. Shepheds pray...

Hey. Hey, look! Want a fat ball?

# Heavenly hosts sing hallelujah

# Sleep in heavenly peace

# Sleep in heavenly peace

That�s my boy!

That was unbelievable!

Let�s see what the judges have to say.

Ten! Ten! Ten!

That means the Elders' Youngers have won the Thanktival Song Contest!

Oh, well done!

Holy f-f-flutterbug!

There you are!

A flatfinch!

I thought they were extinct.

Flatfinch?

When it�s hungry it gives off a call so shrill it impairs all sense of pitch and tune.

Cash.

Going somewhere?

You lost two million big ones.

Cash or cheque, Cash?

Funny, yeah.

Looks like I win, Cash.

Don�t worry. Nobody goes home empty handed.

You�ll find they�re real absorbent.

Do you always carry bird food around?

Oh, no. That�s Pete�s dad�s. He�s got a thing for birds.

If I was a blue tit, we�d have bonded years ago.

Really?

Well, that�s an idea.

Er, Mr Bojangles? You know your woodwork...

Ho, ho, ho!

ALL: Presents!

Presents! - But Santa said...

Oh, it was just a nightmare, sweetheart. There�s presents for everyone.

Morning.

More or less.

Oh. One too many gins, Barbara?

Oh, I�ve no idea, love. Can�t remember a thing.

Actually, Barbara, I wanted to have a quiet word about your present.

(THUD) What was that?

I didn�t hear anything.

Sounded like it came from in there.

It�s probably just the pickled onions expanding.

Honestly, Nigel, I wouldn�t even bother opening the door.

Oh my word! That�s...

Lovely! Babs, take a look at this.

It�s a bird house.

�To a Mum and Dad, love from Debbie

and the other ones�!

That�s very...special.

�Mum and dad�?

Is that how you see us?

Well, I...

You�re like the daughter I�ve never had, Debbie. You really are.

We�re gonna go shopping.

Get our nails done.

And go to the cinema.

And how about a spa weekend?

I know this fabulous place in Cornwall.

Opening actual presents.

I never thought I�d see the day.

Thank you, Ho-Tan!

Handmade.

Oh!

Bring back Chompus I say.

Tell me about it.

It�s like nobody knows me at all.

Happy Thanktival, everyone!

ALL: Happy Thanktival!

Best Thanktival ever!

Well, don�t get used to it.

Next year we�re back to humbugs.

Now, where were we?

"Apply glue directly to victims lips."

And the moral of this story is

even monsters have soft sides.

Apart from me.

I...will...eat you!

(LAUGHS)

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