Original subtitles

This programme contains some scenes

which some viewers may find upsetting,

strong language and discriminatory language

We're down to the last tape - Nightmare Maker.

How about hitting up that sexy pen pal of yours?

We're going to England. She has the tape - Nightmare Maker!

We get the tape, we sell the collection, we pay back the money.

How do we pay for the ferry, the bus, everything?

Your sister.

You shitheads want to come to a party?

Someone call an ambulance!

Soon as I get my cut, I'm moving out.

Excuse me?

Her cut?

What?

Oh, my God.

What?

ZOE!

SHIP HORN BLOWS, SEAGULLS SQUAWK

For the love of God...

Tonight's Sixty Minute headlines -

with the miners back at work, anger is still in the air.

We'll be reporting from one community

who are finding it hard to move on.

Five months out from the September deadline,

we'll be looking at what video classification means

for the so-called video nasties.

Police appear no closer to catching the IRA bombers

who killed five people in Brighton last October.

Tensions remain high, with soldiers posted in airports and harbours

to prevent further attacks.

Can I have that?

No, it's mine. No, the bag.

Fuck's sake, Con.

This happens every time we get the bus.

We're not even moving yet.

Just stick your fingers down your throat and be done with it.

No.

You'll make yourself miserable, and it'll come out eventually.

OK, just be cool.

Would you relax?

He doesn't care about your tapes. He won't go near you.

Why not?

I'm not being funny,

but you don't exactly look like you're in the IRA.

Nice arse, all the same.

So, what's the plan?

I want to know we're going to get this done.

And then what?

You're going to move out, sleep on a park bench,

become one of those crazy bag ladies?

Are you going to tell me what we're doing,

or is this going to be the kind of trip

where I have to hold your dicks every time you piss?

What the fuck, Zoe?!

That's your brother!

When we get off the bus, we walk to Ashdale, pitch up on a campsite,

then we meet her in the pub tomorrow at lunchtime.

Our three tapes for her Nightmare Maker.

Done deal.

I'm sure you'll find a way to fuck it up.

CON RETCHES, BREATHES HEAVILY

OK, I know what'll cheer you up.

Top five kill scenes.

Jesus.

Um, Leatherface.

The first kill on Kirk,

when it comes straight out of nowhere.

OK, although it's formally quite basic.

For me, Halloween.

The opening POV shot when mini Michael Myers kills his sister.

Oh, you like the sister killers, do you?

Depends on the sister, Zoe.

The Omen - Damien killing his nanny.

Technically, she kills herself.

Yeah, but he makes her do it.

I'll allow it.

Er, Suspiria with the stained-glass window.

Yes! Yes!

The score, the lighting, that sound design!

Oh, that rhythm, every time she gets stabbed!

Oh, for fuck's sake!

I'm sick of listening to this shit!

Do any fellas get killed in these films,

or are they all just sexist and rapey?

What is she talking about? They're kill scenes.

No-one's even in the nip.

How disappointing!

That's not what I'm watching for!

Some of them are just funny.

I mean, Evil Dead is basically just slapstick.

OK, yeah, well, when they're not funny,

when some girl's just getting stabbed over and over again,

do you look away at all?

Or do you feel a little tingle in your trousers, hmm?

What the fuck, Zoe?

We're trying to enjoy ourselves here.

And I didn't say we liked all of them.

Some of them are shit, they're just on the list,

they're part of the collection.

You didn't answer. What do you do when you're watching that shit?

What do you do?

All right, then - you answer if he won't. Go on.

I close my eyes and I say a prayer, OK?

Oh, of course you do.

Leave me alone.

Really?

Cos I've never seen you do that.

Yeah, cos you never look away.

Yeah, that's because I can take it.

Is that not the whole fucking point?

What do you know, anyway?

You're the freak who locked herself in her bedroom for a month.

Hmm.

Oh. Zoe...

..what are you doing home?

Uh, free last class. You?

I, uh...

I clocked off early, you know?

I needed to lie down.

TOILET FLUSHES

Is Mam home? I didn't see her car.

Come on, Frankie! Let's have a ride in the shower.

Go to your room.

GO TO YOUR ROOM!

For the lady...

..and the gentleman.

Come on, Abe, you don't need to be so polite.

We go way back.

This is respect.

I don't do polite.

And it's A-be, like it always was.

There's no milk.

Jesus, Frank, it's a foreign thing.

There's no biscuits either. Is that a foreign thing as well?

Don't be talking about the biscuits.

We've bigger fish to fry.

Let me get this straight.

No sign of Zoe.

Her friends haven't seen her.

They won't tell you anything about the party.

You called the Scouts and there's no camping trip,

and Billy said he was gone camping with Con, so...

They've all done a runner together.

Yeah, but where?

And why would Zoe go with them?

I knew we shouldn't have said all that stuff about grounding her.

Really?

Do you want to do this again?

It's fine.

I can wait until you have finished quarrelling.

Billy said he was going camping.

He plans to be back.

These boys know what they are doing.

And you know, sometimes, the more you know,

the more you don't want to know, you know?

Why do I feel like you're hiding something from us?

Look, we're wasting time.

We should contact the Guards, start the process.

It's OK, relax. Ah-ah!

I tell you what I know, but let's not involve the police.

The boys I work with at the port have a good thing going on.

I won't be the one to spoil it for them.

What's that got to do with our kids?

Yeah.

OK, look, I don't know where they are...

..but I know someone who might.

It's like hell opened a video shop.

DOOR CLOSES

Well, I take that as a huge compliment.

You're sick. You're genuinely sick.

And they just keep on coming.

Ah, don't mind all this Hollywood stuff.

This is just a sample of what I have out the back.

So these are the video nasties, then?

I Miss You - Hugs & Kisses.

Doesn't look so bad.

God, he's wearing a wet T-shirt. Oh, God.

God, this isn't our Con.

This is not hi...

This is you.

This is you and your strange son leading him astray.

"Strange"? Mm.

You think I like these films?

No.

I like to see him working for something.

That's more important to me.

Right, come on then, what do you know?

Well, I know they got a lead on the last tape -

some girl in the UK.

I don't know what her name is or where she lives,

but if I was to guess, I'd say that's what they are.

In the UK?

They're out of the country,

with a load of Brits?

God, anything could happen to them.

They'll probably be locked up for being in the IRA.

At least we'd know where to find them. That's true.

Look, I will say this -

them two boys, they're good kids.

You don't need to be worried about them.

They're not,

you know, what they watch -

which is probably just as well.

TJ CHUCKLES

Do you think this is funny?

Which? The film or the situation?

Because, I mean, neither is a barrel of laughs.

I'm out of here. I'm out of here!

OK, maybe we should take a breath

before someone has a nervous breakdown.

I've got to call the Guards.

I've got to call the Guards!

Whoa, whoa, you're not calling the Guards.

Maureen, wait!

Derbyshire -

if TJ says they've gone to that girl, that's where she is.

Billy, he writes to a PO box there.

They are not in some big, dangerous city, OK?

They'll be back.

Don't make this complicated.

I am telling you, if they don't call me tonight to tell me they're safe,

we'll do what we have to.

And you wonder why Eileen left.

Come on, Frank.

Jesus.

Brits.

ENGINE ROARS, MUSIC BLARES

How long is this walk?

It's a few hours.

Hours?!

With all this gear? Are you for real?

No, we'll hitch.

Er, no, we won't. We stick to the plan.

We're never even going to make it to this stupid campsite in time

to get a spot, right, Con?

Suit yourself. We're walking.

Don't move, Con. Don't be a sap.

Con...

You don't have to jump cos he said so.

Seriously, don't fuck with me.

I don't know, OK?!

I'm wrecked.

I feel like shit!

This isn't fucking fun!

Can we all just get along, please?!

ENGINE ROARS

You lot need directions?

I just saw you poring over that map.

Yeah, well, we're not lost.

Um, actually, we're heading just...

Ashdale - we're looking for Ashdale.

Oh...

..right, you'd be straight down that road.

You're going in the wrong direction.

Long way to walk, though - all that gear.

Any chance of a lift?

It'd be a tight squeeze.

Please.

All right. Go on, then. Hop in.

Oh, class. Thank you.

The Derbyshire welcome. Put your stuff in the back.

What's that big needle thing?

For the cows.

You're in farm country now.

You don't look like a farmer.

I'm not.

I had to use it on the dog.

ROCK MUSIC BLARES

MUSIC STOPS

Not much for small talk, are you?

Are you over for commemoration or something?

Commemoration?

Bash day, love.

It's famous - famous for the plague.

Sounds lovely.

Historically.

People here quarantined, stopped the spread of the Black Death.

Half of the East Midlands wouldn't be alive

if it weren't for what our ancestors did.

There's a big centenary thing this week.

Everyone gets dressed up in medieval clobber.

There's a big bonfire and whatnot.

Yeah, well, um, we're not staying long, so...

Strange, that, hearing a Paddy accent from one of your lot.

Oh, sorry.

Is Paddy not allowed any more?

HE TUTS Can't keep up.

Yeah.

Picked it up at a car-boot sale.

Helps me beat the traffic.

All these strikes, picket lines, they pop up everywhere.

Bloody scroungers.

Pop it down.

Sorry.

Thanks.

It's a cold night for camping.

Do you know, I bet my mum would have you...

..for a good price.

She used to run the place as a guest house.

I could take you there, if you want.

Yeah, I, um...

I think we're fine.

Yeah, just an idea.

What do you think, love?

Campsite's grand, thanks.

Sure?

There's plenty of room.

Although maybe some of us might have to share.

Hey, stop!

Oi, what are you doing?!

What am I doing?

What are you talking about?

It's just a joke.

Some people are so touchy.

Do that again, you'll need a bandage of your own, all right?

All right, keep your knickers on, love.

Excuse me?!

Excuse YOU.

You know, if you're going to be such a stuck-up bitch...

..you can get out and walk.

Wait, where's Ashdale?

There's a trail through the woods.

Now get the fuck out.

What the f...?

You all right?

That wasn't cool what he did, an' all.

Wait, wait, wait...

CON LAUGHS

Finally!

I did say it.

I told you so.

Look, we've got torches, an ex-Boy Scout with us,

we'll get a fire going.

What else do we need?

Walking trail - this way.

Top five cabin-in-the-woods films.

Don't even think about it.

For me, it has to be...

No!

OK, top five campfire scenes.

Shut up, Billy!

How do we even know this is the way to Ashdale, huh?

Are we really trusting that creep?

We're heading in the right direction, all right? Relax.

It's going to be fine.

DISTANT SQUAWKING

What was that?

It's nothing. Just some...animal.

ANIMAL CRIES IN DISTANCE

Just some animal?

Tigers are "some animal."

It's not a fucking tiger, is it?

Why are you acting like you're not scared?

I have a feeling we're not on the walking trail any more.

All right, let's not push it.

Let's just find a spot and camp up before it gets any darker.

I feel like a million quid now.

Can finally start enjoying this trip.

Now, it hasn't gone exactly how I pictured it, you know?

Not the best trailer for next year.

Ah, forget next year.

This is what it's all about, man.

Let's make the most of it.

Uh, I have some questions.

Where did you get that?

On the floor.

You need to be more careful with your love letters.

Zoe, Zoe!

"Gloria Fangirl?" Stop, Stop!

Relax!

Someone has to advise on this.

This girl could be playing you like a fiddle.

Yeah, well, she's not, all right? Yeah? How do you know?

Cos she's genuine.

She's not full of shit like your mates.

You don't even know them.

But I see them.

I see you dying to be the same as everyone else.

You need to stop confusing being weird with being interesting.

You need to stop confusing being popular with being a bitch.

Can we just stop? No.

We've been writing letters to each other for ages, all right?

We've exchanged tapes already.

I've seen photos of her collection and she's seen mine.

Oh, my God!

You actually like her!

Look at you, all spiky,

like I just insulted your girlfriend.

I'm scarlet for you.

You actually think you're going to come over here

and meet your dream girl? Shut up.

Some fucking cool girl,

and you're going to make a connection over shite movies.

It's pathetic.

That's not true, is it?

No!

I mean, she did say her folks were away, so, look...

Is that what this whole trip is about? No, it's not.

No, look, I don't need to listen to this shit, all right?

She's not a liar...

..unlike you.

What's that supposed to mean?

Oh, come on, we know you were having some sort of nervous breakdown,

or whatever they call it.

That's why you weren't in school.

And that's why you wouldn't leave your room.

Billy, don't.

No, some people were saying you were up the duff,

knocking it in the head in Liverpool.

Other people were saying eating disorder.

But me and Con, we both know

you're just mental.

That's not what I...

Great. She started it.

Why can't you just be nice to each other?

Grow up, Con.

THUNDER RUMBLES

ZOE BREATHES HEAVILY

HEAVY RAINFALL

BRANCH SNAPS

Con?

ZOE SCREAMS

Con!

CON!

There's someone... There's someone...

There's someone out there!

He had a mask, and I thought he was going to... Con!

Look, hey, hey, hey, slow down!

There's someone out there, Con!

What's going on? What's going on? She thinks she saw someone over there.

I don't THINK anything. He was right there.

You don't believe me?

No, I do. It's just...

Just what, Con? I wouldn't make this up!

OK, if you say so.

Look, you have to admit...

..you've been a little messed up lately.

What?

You want to do this now?

Con, you don't know the half of it.

Well, then, just tell me.

Maybe it's just some kids messing around.

No, no, Billy. It wasn't just some kids, Billy.

I saw him, he had a weird mask and he was right there!

OK.

So are we talking slasher,

or is it like some mad pagan folk horror shit?

Shut the fuck up, Billy!

Look...I believe you, all right?

And if it was some fucking psycho, we need to leave right now.

What? No!

No, no, no, no! We got to stick to the plan, all right?

Remember, there's that festival thingy on.

That was just locals playing dress-up.

It's nothing to worry about.

I promise you, Zoe.

Fine. Whatever.

We'll just stick to your plan, then.

But it's on you if someone comes into the tent tonight

and slits our throats!

Fine by me.

I'll be dead anyway.

Great, well, at least both of yous can agree on one thing -

not listening to me.

OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYS

MENACING CHORAL SINGING

SHE WHIMPERS

SHE SCREAMS

SHE YELLS AND SCREAMS

DRILL WHIRS, SHE SCREAMS

Are you Mr Power?

Maureen!

Oh, Jesus.

Is this a...

..bad news thing?

Well, that depends.

Right now, we're just looking to speak to young Con.

Is he in?

Oh, Jesus Christ.

Oh, my heart.

Why did you take your hat off with a big, depressed head on you?

What do you mean?

That's my face.

Look, I just need a word.

We've had a report about money being stolen from the school Debs fund.

You know, this place looks like Camp Crystal Lake.

Yeah, it does.

Where's Camp Crystal Lake?

It's where Jason drowned.

Who's Jason?

Jesus, Zoe, have you ever even seen a horror movie?

I've seen The Elephant Man. Does that count?

No. No!

It's embarrassing.