Original subtitles

What happened?!

What-what hap...?

Isn't it obvious what happened?

These maniacs destroyed my library.

Don't look at me.

This old heap is a death trap.

Thank God there was an experienced driver behind

the wheel of this hooptie.

Hooptie?

This car is 30 years younger than you.

You the hooptie.

Okay, so my dad's not a great driver.

That does not mean that he needs that heifer Loretta.

Gemma can't drive. Does she need Loretta?

Uh, excuse me.

Why's your taillight cracked?

Something happen to your taillight?

Dave, don't be rude.

We're talking about Otis.

Tina,

the man is half deaf, half blind,

blood pressure high,

doing doughnuts in a school zone.

The only reason Loretta was bossing him around

was to keep him alive.

Hey, good morning.

Uh, wha-what's that beeping noise?

Oh, that's-that's my phone.

Yeah, Loretta did something to it,

just to mess with me.

The joke's on her.

I can barely hear it.

It's an alert. It says "Take pills."

Wait, Daddy, you-you have pills

that you're supposed to take?

Thanks for reminding me.

He got it, just... he got it. Yeah, yeah, they're in this thing here

Loretta put them in here so I'd know

what to take and when. Okay, okay.

Otis?

All-all your pills are in "Sunday."

And today is Sunday, so down the hatch. Oh! Oh!

No, no, no, no, no... Whoa, whoa, no, wait, wait, wait!

Wait, Daddy.

Let's take a look at these.

Okay, we got a blood pressure pill.

Okay, I see a Tylenol.

This is a red one with an "S" on it.

Ooh, let me see that. Huh.

Uh...

Oh, yeah, it's a Skittle.

♪ Welcome to the block, welcome to the neighborhood ♪

♪ Welcome to the hood. ♪

Malcolm, I am a new man.

After yesterday's near-death experience, I realized

I can't take tomorrow for granted.

Every day is a gift, and I'm gonna live life

to the fullest.

Okay, you're right, Marty.

Yeah, life is short.

What you gonna do?

I'm going to the movies.

Whoa, Marty, let's not get crazy. Calm down.

It's too late.

I already bought tickets to Ascension III: The Beginning.

Wait, how can III be the beginning?

Well, the first was Ascension: Apocalypse.

The Final Battle.

But if II was the final battle, how could you...?

You know, nuh-uh, no.

Live your life, okay?

I like this new Marty.

Come on. Living life on the edge.

What you gonna do next, drink two percent milk?

With my tummy?

Hey.

Uh, hey, Courtney.

Is it laundry day?

Hilarious, Malcolm.

I left the Wand of Vengeance in the car,

or you'd recognize me

as Princess Mango Assassin. Mango Assassin.

How the hell are you two not a couple?

Well, I'm off to the Anaheim Anime-Con.

Oh, no, but it's the second Sunday of the month.

You've got Daphne. Well, I told you, we need to switch today.

Okay, you may have told me,

but you definitely didn't put it in our shared cal...

Oh, okay, no, you actually did, uh...

Okay, but I was gonna go to the movies today.

And I haven't been to the movies since Daphne was born.

Aw. You want to talk about what's happened

since our little alien burst out of my body?

It feeds on me.

Always.

And you want to know what's next?

Teeth.

Yeah, I feel like you won that.

Okay, so, uh,

you take this one.

And I'll take this one.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, uh,

Daphne's had a little sniffle,

so keep her hat on her.

Okay? Okay, sure.

Okay. All right.

Ah, ah, well...

It is your lucky day, Malcolm.

You may have my ticket to Ascension.

All you have to know is, the Quantarans

are at war with the Moon Leeches.

Now, what is a Moon Leech? No, no.

No, no, no... Now let me tell you about the Moon Leech...

Oh, no, no Moon Leeches, no, no.

You go see your movie, Marty.

I will watch Daphne.

Seriously? No, I-I can't do that, man.

You don't know anything about babies.

What's there to know?

This kid is three months old.

I can change a diaper,

put a bottle in her mouth, boom.

You go watch that movie.

All by yourself.

Oh.

Daddy, can we talk?

You okay?

Oh...

Never better!

Give me that.

Ow! Give me this.

You're bad as Loretta.

Look, Daddy, tell me the truth.

Why did you leave her?

She just didn't appreciate

the good thing she had.

Daddy.

All right, fine.

Truth is...

she left me.

Talking about she felt

unappreciated.

But she was trying to hold a brother down.

It seems like she was trying to keep a brother alive.

Since when have you been on her side?

Daddy, I'm on your side.

That's why you need to get her back.

Don't you miss her?

No...

I do miss her cookies, though.

Oh, please, her cookies are lumpy garbage.

Not those cookies.

Ew!

Yeah, Otis?

Your phone is beeping.

Oh, pill time.

Too many rules.

Rules and pills.

I hear that, man.

High blood pressure pill.

High blood pressure ain't never killed nobody.

Look, Otis, man-to-man, look, I get it.

Wives... they mean well, but they can be annoying.

I mean, you've seen Tina.

In there making me eat baked chicken.

She get on my nerves with that.

Now wait a minute, hold on now, that's

my daughter you're talking about.

Look, all I'm saying is,

relationships are give and take.

You take your pills,

she'll give you peace.

Yeah, yeah.

Look.

Found one of my little blue pills

for hump day.

O-Otis, today is not Wednesday.

Wednesday's not my hump day.

Thanks a lot, I'll...

make sure to keep that in mind.

That is one horny old man.

Hello. Yeah, this is Calvin Butler.

My mother's maiden name?

LaBelle.

Who's that?

It's our insurance company.

Oh, okay, bye.

My first pet's name?

Look, you called me, you know who this is.

Wait.

What?

Oh, howdy, neighbor.

No, don't you dare howdy me.

Why did you file an insurance claim against me?

Oh, well, now you won't have to pay out of pocket.

My new car's not even on my policy yet.

Oh, well, you're supposed to do that immediately.

Well, I was about to do it immediately.

You know,

maybe Otis's insurance will cover it.

Otis's driver's license was revoked.

And you let him drive without checking it?

I'm his son-in-law, Dave, not a state trooper.

Look, you got to get this reversed.

Our insurance rates will go sky-high.

And then we can't afford this house.

And we'll have to move.

And a fraternity will move in,

throwing parties at all hours,

Grover can't sleep,

then he fails out of school.

There goes college.

I mean...

do you want that for your son?

No.

Then you got to fix this, Dave.

And not for me.

For Grover.

You see that, Daphne?

This is football.

You will never watch this with your daddy.

You hungry?

Don't worry.

Uncle Malcolm has got you, okay?

One second, I'll be right back.

Oh, damn!

I think I broke Daphne.

What?

What happened?

Well, I was watching her.

And I put her down on the couch for, like, five seconds...

You left her on the couch?

It was five seconds.

I had to warm up her bottle.

And then,

well...

this.

Aw, look at that little scratch.

Poor thing, aw.

Did your negligent Uncle Malcolm give you that boo-boo?

It was five seconds, Gemma.

It's just a little scratch.

It'll go away in a couple days.

A couple of days? Gemma, I'll be dead tonight.

Hold on, I have some concealer in my purse.

I can just cover it up.

Oh, my God.

Thank you, you are a lifesaver, Gemma.

What the hell is that?

That's not gonna work.

Don't you have concealer for Black people?

Oh, yeah, it's right here...

N-No! Why would I have that?!

Hey, Gemma, have you seen...? Oh!

Malcolm, here you are. Hey, what's up?

What's up, man? Hey, man, what's going on?

What's going on with you?

Malcolm, what did you do?

Technically, I didn't do anything.

It was Daphne who rolled off the couch.

She what?! Wait, Marty.

Marty...

calm down.

Babies are resilient.

It'll heal fast.

She's a baby, not a starfish! Okay.

When Courtney sees the scratch, I'm gonna have to admit

that I left our daughter with an unauthorized babysitter!

Well, just keep this little hat on her.

It covers the scrape, and it's supercute.

Yes. Yes.

Courtney said Daphne had the sniffles.

She told me to leave it on.

I'm just doing what she asked for.

See? This is a great plan.

Is it?

What's gonna happen

when Courtney wants to give Daphne a bath?

"What's gonna happen when Courtney..."

Do you have a better idea, Uncle Baby Dropper?

Hello, Loretta.

Tina.

Uh, let me guess.

These have been the longest two days of your life.

It's been challenging.

I know.

He missed his hump day.

Look, Loretta, I know that things

have been a bit, you know,

tense between us.

Like when you sent that Christmas card

to "Daddy and current resident"?

I mean, that was so long ago.

That was seven straight Christmases.

Okay. Here's the thing.

Maybe...

just maybe I misjudged you.

And I am willing to let bygones be bygones.

Now come and get him.

Hold on.

For the last seven years,

you've been giving me the cold shoulder

while I've been nothing but loving to your father.

Now I'm the one that needs to be forgiven?

Well,

I think I'll let this sock respond.

"Kick rocks"?

If you can wait a minute, I think I can find

the "kiss my butt" socks.

I keep them over here behind the counter.

Okay. All right.

Look, I just...

I'm just trying to say that my dad

really misses you.

Well, I'm sure he does.

I'd miss me, too.

I've been fighting with your father

tooth and nail to keep him healthy and safe,

but does he appreciate it? No!

I'm just exhausted.

You can keep him. Y'all deserve each other.

Okay.

All right.

I probably had that coming.

You did.

I can't believe I'm about to say this, but I...

I guess I was cold to you.

You were.

I just said that.

Look, Loretta.

When my mom passed, I had a hard time

getting on with my life, and my father...

well, he didn't.

So you decided to take that out on me.

You're the one who stopped coming around.

That's because he's my father,

and you... you just swooped in and you took him.

Took him?

I fell in love with him.

And I'm not going to apologize for that.

Well, I guess that's that.

I guess it is.

Well, I'll let him know that... this is really over.

Oh.

Do you validate parking?

Only with a purchase.

I'll just pay.

Mother's maiden, Henner.

First pet, Fluffy.

First concert, NKOTB.

Oh, for crying out loud, it's New Kids on the Block.

Uh, yes, Debra, I-I just need to correct

a few details about my claim.

I now remember that I did not see the license plate.

In fact, it was the license plate

of the car that is parked safely next door.

Okay, goodbye. You're done.

Yeah, I now actually remember

that maybe there wasn't an accident at all.

Okay, give it... give it here.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye.

That was the hardest thing that I've ever done.

Well, you did it very poorly.

All right, throw a little paint on it,

and the little library will be good as new.

Oh, man.

You, sir, are a craftsman of the highest order.

It's four pieces of wood, Dave.

Well, can you build one a little bigger for my dad to live in?

Because after the conversation I had with Loretta,

clearly, he's staying.

Well, you know, you joke,

but the city recently streamlined

their permitting process for building an ADU.

You could have Otis living in the backyard in no time.

I'm not sleeping on the grass.

No, no. We build you a whole structure.

With a waterbed? Yeah, sure.

What? No.

All right, well, I'll just, uh, park an RV

in the driveway.

You can't drive a car.

Now you want to drive a small house?

Oh, knock over one little bookshelf,

and all of a sudden, you don't know what the hell you're doing.

I've been driving longer than any y'all were born.

Dave, what's with this text in the group chat?

Ta-da!

Hey, Daphne. Why'd they put this hat on you? It's too hot.

No, no!

What?!

Who put this scratch on my baby's head? Malcolm did it.

No, no, he... he left me with daddy duties.

I'm just an uncle.

Uh, the important thing here is there's big news:

Daphne learned how to roll over.

Yes, yes, that is the takeaway. Yes, that is...

You better hope the government doesn't take her away.

Oh, my God, my baby.

Oh.

Oh. Here you are.

Whoa.

Y'all seeing this?

What's going on?

It's about Daphne. Uh, wait, Malcolm.

Let me handle it.

Okay.

Courtney, there is a scratch on her head.

Okay, okay, don't judge me. I scratched Daphne.

And I was hoping that you wouldn't see it.

You did this? She did this?

It was an accident.

Okay? I scratched her precious little head with my nail.

That is why I put the hat on her...

so that nobody would notice.

This is so great.

I thought it happened when she rolled off the couch.

You let Daphne roll off the couch?

No, not me. Malcolm did it when he was babysitting.

You let Malcolm babysit?

I am a damn good babysitter.

Nobody told me Daphne was ready to roll.

Does she dress like this all the time?

Uh, I'm not mad at it, but it's just that you look like

one of the Funkadelic backup dancers, you know.

Who is this man?

Um, this is Otis, uh, my grandfather.

He's here for... a while.

Oh, Loretta.

Hi, Calvin.

What's Princess Mango Assassin doing here?

Finally someone gets it.

Of course. I sell your socks.

To weirdos.

Um, hi, Loretta. I'm surprised to see you.

Probably heard that I was here

having fun, eating fried chicken, driving.

Oh, come on. Who would be crazy enough

to let you eat fried chicken and drive?

Them.

Look, don't look at me. My chicken was baked.

Well, come on, come on. Pack your bags.

I'm taking you home. No, no. Wait.

Hold on. Hold on.

I'm a grown man.

I go where I want to go.

Besides, I don't want to insult Calvin.

He's building me an ADU with a waterbed.

Loretta, ain't none of that true.

Come on, Daddy. Hear Loretta out.

She drove all the way from Irvine to see you.

Yeah.

Closed my sock store early, too.

I'm so sorry. Are-are... are you referring to Sockopolis?

Mm-hmm. Oh. In the Irvine Galleria?

I love that store.

You know, I'm what some people would refer to as a, uh,

sockaholic.

Look at these. Ooh!

Oh-oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Slow your roll, Romeo.

This is my wife you talking to.

Oh, you're my knight in shining armor now,

but at home you fight me on everything.

Oh, woman... Whoa, O-Otis, Otis...

Give and take.

Give... and take. And take.

You know...

I really do appreciate you.

And I miss you.

I miss you, too.

You've got to let me live a little.

Sometimes a man needs to eat something with a little flavor.

Well...

Okay, then. Let's make a deal.

You be nice, and I'll give you

a little something sweet now and then.

You mean, uh, candy... or you?

Both.

You know, I just took my pill.

Good Lord.

They better get going

before Grandpa can't put his seat belt on over his...

Hey, man.

What? What?

Tina, I'm glad you came to see me,

and I forgive you for being cold to me

and for calling me "heifer"...

behind my back.

I'm sorry.

Well, how about you two come for dinner soon?

Oh, yes, yes. I-I would like that.

Yeah. But it has to be at 4:00.

I can't drive after dark.

I can. No, you can't!

I love you, Daddy. Mwah!

You bet. I'll be back for my things here.

All right. Okay, Otis. All right, now.

Come on, now. Oh, wow.

Yeah, boy, that's love right there.

Whew. You know,

they're really good together.

Yeah, you know what? And speaking of together,

I got one of Otis's little blue pills.

You know what day it is.

Hump day!

Good night! Night night.

Captioning sponsored by CBS

and TOYOTA.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org