Original subtitles

(Static buzzing)

'It's over, man.'

'Are you ready to blast off on your cinematic journey,

'here at Blaster Video?

'Well, let's go!

'And with over 3,865 movies in my store,

'we got all the categories covered,

'from horror, sci-fi, fantasy, action, even comedy,

'all on VHS.

'First-time customers get one free rental.

'Well, the snake is out of the bag,

'and "Fury of the Viper" is now on sale at the video store.

'And for a limited time only, while supplies last,

'you get a free fridge magnet!

'So come on down to Blaster Video.

'We're located in the back alley at 10815 Uneeda Avenue.

'And always remember, be kind and rewind.'

(Static buzzing)

(TV playing in background)

(TV) 'Behind this door.

'Behind the most evils lies,

beyond the thousand doors.

'If you dare to enter, you'll beg to leave.

'The latest in terror from the makers of "Trapped in a Vent".

'The evil in this place won't let her leave.

- 'Beyond the thousand doors.' - (Distant shrieking)

'She is carrying a curse.

'She must fight to break free from her family's legacy,

'or die beyond the thousand doors.'

Hello?

(Screaming)

'Your evil will not claim thee!

(Screaming and shouting)

'Will she escape this nightmare,

'or be locked beyond the thousand doors?'

Right now, you are watching "Demonica".

It's a 1970s grind house beauty from Italy.

Did you know the original title for that movie

was "You Never Should Have Come Here"?

And that cut was like three hours long.

This, unfortunately, is just the 74-minute American version.

So, I'm guessing you work here?

Welcome to Blaster Video.

I'm here for all your rental needs from "Pure Flash".

(TV) 'And now for our feature presentation.'

To utter cinematic trash.

You're a first-time customer, so today's your lucky day.

You get one free rental.

I'm not a customer.

I'm returning these.

Ooh, "Warpgate". Sexy potatoes.

"The Preystalker"? Fantastic.

"Beaverlake Massacre 4"?

(Sighs) It's one of my all-time faves.

(Sighs heavily)

And it's not rewound.

These movies are two weeks late.

I'm not gonna make you pay the late fees.

Or even the rewind fees.

Rewind fees?

Yeah, you know, when you bring back a tape and the spools aren't...

Ah, never mind.

What I want to know is why did my favorite customer

have his daughter come return his movies for him?

- Where's James at? - He's outta town.

Huh...

So, you bring back all this cinematic gold. What did you think?

Oh, I didn't watch them. That's more of his thing.

Oh.

"Preystalker", the quintessential '90s sci-fi action adventure movie.

It's kind of like "Predator" meets "Carnosaur."

Are those other movies?

Yeah, yeah, those are other movies.

It's about a group of corporate commanders

on a crusade to hunt down and harvest

the psychedelic slime from a dangerous alien bug,

the Preystalker, which hunts them down one by one.

And whenever it stings them with its sweet mantis bug arms,

it's a trippy, psychedelic scene.

The creature is fully CGI.

We're talking the glorious Wild West of 1990s CGI,

and not revolutionary CG dinosaurs, you know, you're thinking of.

(Dinosaur shrieks)

The Preystalker, some would say, has not aged well,

but you'll come to love its bittersweet imperfections.

Pretty fucking cool.

- Sure. - Alright, fine.

This'll be more your cup of tea.

"Beaverlake Massacre 4".

It was the epitome of Canuxploitation.

A genre of no-budget Canadian flicks made in the '70s and '80s.

This movie has everything you need in a slasher.

You got a hockey camp full of 30-year-olds playing teenagers.

'You talk to the locals in town, they'll tell you the Castor is still out there.

'Walks the ice at night to seek revenge on those bullies that wronged him.'

(Kevin) And their very own iconic hockey-mask killer, Castor.

'That's bullshit!

'My dad buried that gross nerd,

'and he is never coming back to Beaverlake!'

Such a fan of him as a kid, I even drew him all the time.

I wanted to not be him, but I can empathize with him.

Two and three are great. Four, this one being the best.

'This is gonna be the best season that the Tailslappers have ever had!'

Then totally derailed after that.

Part Five wasn't even Castor at all, though.

- It was some Zamboni driver named Bill. - (Screams)

And then came six, seven, and eight. I don't even want to talk about those.

What I'm trying to say is that these movies are like comfort food.

They're not good for you, but God damn, they are tasty.

- 'Tailslappers! Tailslappers!' - Moving on.

We're going back to the golden era of 1980, "Warpgate".

It's a hunky archeologist who uncovers an ancient magic crystal.

The crystal teleports him through the Warpgate

and into different cheap-looking fantasy adventure dimensions.

It was a cocaine-fueled excuse to use all the extra sets the company had

before totally going...

Do you know what movie this is?

I have never seen...

...a tape like that.

James was holding out on me.

Should we check it out?

Oh-ho-ho, ah, I mean...

It's not polite to play another collector's tape, but...

It'll be you.

Beer? - I'd rather not.

(Scoffs) Suit yourself.

(Static buzzing)

(Voice whispering)

(Whispering)

(Distorted voices)

(Sighs)

(Warped voice whispering)

Oh, no. Come on!

Do me a solid. Shut it off.

- Just hit the button. - Which machine?

Hit all the buttons!

- Hit every button! - All right, right, right, right, fine!

We just experienced...

...the power of cinema.

Come back any time.

And tell James he can come grab his cassette

and pay his late fees.

- What the fuck? - Just give it a good yank.

Door's a piece of shit anyways.

Oh!

(Growling)

- 'I've spotted the demon.' - 'I want it alive.'

- (Girl) What? - 'The fuck? Something is afoul.'

- 'Cliff, where's the bug?' - 'Gone.'

'It was right here. Then it went weird and it was gone.

- 'Oh, I'll, uh...' - 'Don't.'

'...check the ship. Be blessed, brother.

'What's that noise?'

(Low growling)

- Hey, your doors suck. - Shh!

Excuse me?

What the fuck is that?

(Growling)

'You're telling me that the bug just vanished into thin air?'

Don't worry. It can't hurt us.

Cos it's just CGI.

(Preystalker hisses)

Don't move.

(Preystalker grunting)

'Please. I'm not your enemy.'

First time here?

Good news for you. You get a free rental.

Any movie you want.

You can even eat it.

'Listen, it's me.'

(Preystalker squeaks)

'Pray or be prey!'

'Lord, what have I done?'

'I dreamt of a wound,

'a wound that will never heal.

'Overrun by the digital disease of the future,

'the forgotten souls scream out into the universe,

'forever forgotten.

(Preystalker croaking)

C...

...G...

...I.

'Wake up!'

'Damn it, computer, prep take off. We're out of this cursed place.

'Silence, wench! Switching to manual control.'

(Preystalker croaking)

Oh, I know you.

Oh, fuck.

'Deploying the large missile.'

(Machines beeping)

(Missile whistles)

(Grunts)

I'm...

(Girl) All I did was come here to return some VHS tapes.

Next thing you know, there were static lines,

a bug coming out the movie, and this is gonna get infected.

- You need to go to the hospital. - I'll be fine. That was our only way out.

What about this door?

- No, that's employees only. - So?

It's a storage room. There's nothing in there but junk.

We are stuck here with that?

Pretty much.

I think I know what it could be, but I don't wanna sound weird.

It was weird when I came in here!

Legend has it, the dreaded Videonomicon is imbued

with the most heinous of cinematic evils.

'An ominous, nostalgic presence lurking beyond our realm,

'haunting those who watch it.

'It's been lost for decades, but somehow your dad discovered it,

'and I'm guessing he sent it my way to make up for those late fees.

'There's no question now that this is that same cursed tape.'

What do you mean, "cursed"?

Yeah, it's a tape you should never play, but if you do, bad things happen.

- Bad things? - Yep.

- Bad things. - Bad things.

Bad things are about to happen to you if you don't fucking figure this out.

Lady, I survived the format wars.

Give it your best shot.

Aargh!

- Thanks for saving my life. - Fuck you, Kevin.

I think something really big and bad just entered the store.

The unstoppable killing machine,

the wild animal that's still out there trying to get his revenge.

What's the plan?

We gotta hit him in the only place that hurts: his heart.

How are we gonna stab him?

The only weapon that matters is the power of friendship.

But whatever we do, don't split up, okay?

Castor, is that you, buddy?

Where in the H-E double hockey sticks am I?

Oh, my God. You're Dougie Taggert.

- How did you know that? - All-star winger, Beaverlake Tailslappers.

Not once, not twice, but three times you survived the attacks of Ca...

- Zip it, nerd. - He says that in the movie!

How did I get here?

- Aren't you from "Beaverlake Massacre?" - "Beaverlake Massacre"?

She meant Manitoba. Have a beer.

Alcohol? For a minor?

I'm 17 years old, man.

My dad's a sheriff, and you just broke the law.

So you're going to jail, you're going to jail.

- (♪ Music playing) - You're both going to jail.

- Do you know what prison is like...? - Is that music?

It's his theme music.

- (Dougie) But guess what? Soon I'll be 21. - He's coming.

- (Dougie) And I will guzzle that beer. - Oh...

Back away, now.

Whose blood is on your face, man?

(Whispering)

You guys are tripping out.

Uh, cheers.

You smoked a doobie cigarette with marijuana in it, didn't you?

You guys could never be Tailslappers.

Tailslappers don't do drugs!

Do you guys even play hockey?

Tell me, how do you know that your parents love you if you don't play hockey, huh?

You tell me that!

Cos that doesn't make a lick of sense to me!

No!

(Castor breathing heavily)

(Grunting and mumbling)

Daddy!

Come on.

Please, please.

(Dougie) Let go!

(Dougie screaming)

(Dougie) Oh, God!

- We're safe. - (Dougie groaning)

(Dougie) We're goin' in for overtime!

My dad's a cop!

Don't worry. Taggert is a survivor.

(Muffled shouting)

(Silence)

I might've misread that. He's probably dead.

But that's not a bad thing, cos he just got his first kill,

and that means we'll be safe for a bit,

because he has to build up that sweet, sweet tension before his next kill.

- That's how these movies go. - What is Castor gonna do?

Is he just gonna smash in here and then murder us in this outhouse?

It's a possibility.

This franchise has a ton of creative kills, including an outhouse.

Oh, yeah? Which one's your favorite?

Hmm... It's a very good question.

- What is wrong with you? - Hey, you asked me the question.

And I was thinking about a good answer from a fan's perspective.

From Nyla's perspective, I'm gonna take the power of friendship,

and I'm gonna buddy up with Castor, and we're both going to kill you.

So negative. I'll get you outta here. Just let me think.

How can you even drink at a time like this?

How can you not?

Pull me in, Coach. Please.

(Screaming)

(Nyla whimpering)

- Ah, no, no, no, no. - It's not even real.

In fact, it doesn't even look like Taggert. This is little Tommy Taggert, his brother.

Do you know when he was killed? In the first sequel.

"Beaverlake Massacre: The Second Period."

They were too cheap to buy new props for Part Four.

Eww.

He's gone.

He's not gone. He's out there, lurking somewhere.

- So what do we do now? - Mm-mm.

(Sighs)

It's gotta go somewhere.

- Are you sure about this? - Ah, yeah. It always works in the movies.

Okay.

Where are you?

(Girl on TV) 'Hello? Hello?

'Oh, Jesus!

- 'There's no sign of him.' - 'You think Castor got him?'

- (Girl) 'I don't like this.' - (Boy) 'We shouldn't have split up.'

(Kevin) Maybe this wasn't a good idea.

I'm not waiting to die down here.

Okay, okay, okay.

Fuck!

(Castor breathing heavily)

Those are collectibles.

(Metallic clanging)

(Metal creaking)

Well, that's not good. He's not supposed to get that until Part Six.

(Metal creaking)

Shh, shh!

Nyla, stop moving.

Castor... the world's greatest goaltender!

I saw you play in '82, bud, against the Russians

in the championship game.

Glove hand from hell.

Your future was so bright, buddy.

And that night, coach, teammates, they betrayed you.

They brought you out onto that ice,

knowing it would crack, knowing you would fall.

Left you alone in the cold, in the dark. You died.

You came back, you got your revenge.

And you back-checked TJ, head clean off.

You took Kennedy's body, slammed it into that penalty box...

...till there was nothing left.

What you did to Coach Jeffs might've been the worst.

That shit was fucked up, man.

I know it's hard to believe, but...

...I wasn't always the most popular kid either.

I always thought we could be teammates... Kevin and Castor.

(Clanging)

Castor, no!

Time out! Penalty, too many men on the ice, high-sticking!

Five on a manager! Don't do it! (Muffled)

Fuck!

'Despite the tragedy of several students missing and presumed murdered,

'they are ready to play hockey!'

(Nyla yells)

(Nyla screams)

(Kevin) Hey, Castor!

Keep your stick on the ice.

Whoa-ho-ho! Nice save, buddy!

(Metal creaking)

'I regret to inform you the Tailslappers have been forced to forfeit.

'The sheriff has declared the arena an active crime scene.

'Beaverlake cannot catch a break.'

Whoa. That was amazing.

Crackerjack timing, kid. You're a scream queen now.

That was incredible!

I haven't seen Castor go down like that since Part Eight.

I mean, if you saw what I saw... I guess you didn't see what I saw, but...

Um... how about I help you up, we'll see if we can get outta here?

'This will no doubt go down as the Tailslappers' worst season ever.

'My money is on the return of that supernatural freak-goaltender, Castor.

'He always comes back.'

(Whispers echoing)

(Castor) Glory.

Run!

(Kevin yelling)

(Grunting)

(Kevin) Ah, shit!

(Castor growling)

Hope you brought your teeth, Beaver boy.

Cos the Viper always brings his fangs.

(Gun clicks empty)

- (Nyla grunts) - Ah!

(Yells)

(Muted music echoing)

God, it's crazy up there. It's like a legendary match up going on.

We needed a hero, right?

"Fury of the Viper" isn't his best work.

In fact, it's probably one of his worst movies,

but he's still the hero we needed.

What if something else came out?

(Screaming)

You have to have faith in me, like I have faith in the movies.

(Viper groaning)

(Yells)

This will work. He's one of the good guys.

You never run from a snake!

You never snake a snake!

- I am the only snake! - Did you hear that? He got rid of him.

(Viper) Step out slowly, scumbags. I am the police.

- Jackson Viper. - Where am I?

You're in Blaster Video. This is a real honor.

Oh, I'm Kevin. I'm a huge fan.

Yeah, the guy in the hockey mask got him.

That was our friend, Taggert. He was a good man.

You're going to prison. You're going to prison.

Kind of.

(Kevin grunts)

Whoa, vintage collectible.

Don't worry, little lady. You're safe now.

Keep that creep shit to yourself.

(Man) 'Viper!'

(Viper) Rastro!

'Hide if you must.

'Maybe she can change your mind.'

- MJ! - 'Come on out, coward.'

- 'Or she gets it.' - Don't you do it.

'I guess you'll choose between your partner or this city.'

- He is a violent maniac. - You fuck!

- 'You're out of time.' - We need a plan!

'Everybody dies!

'Let's see how you stand up against this snake.'

Snakes don't have feet! I'm standing right here!

'While you're crawling around on your belly,

'too afraid to face me, your partner dies.

'And then, I release millions of nuclear snakes on LA City.'

I'll fucking kill you!

'Fine. Don't stop me, Viper.

'Everyone will know it was your failure.

'She dies on the count of three.

'Three.

'Two.

'One.'

(Viper yells)

Holy shit.

- He paused it. - We need to get the hell outta here.

If I can't kick down this door, he can.

Viper always strikes fast... and hard.

Come on, Cobra.

I'm down for breaking shit, but the name is Viper.

Okay, but you have a Cobra on the back of your jacket.

Hold this, and step back, both of you.

(Kevin) Whoa!

This does not lead to any place you wanna be.

(Whispers echoing)

Hey!

I know this sucks... but don't take it out on the movies.

The movies?

Fuck these movies!

Fuck your video store!

Fuck you, and fuck this bullshit!

In fairness, none of this would be going on right now

if that weird tape that your father found wasn't brought to my store...

He's dead.

What?

Why do you think I even came in here?

While I was cleaning up his shit, I found the only thing that he left me,

a note to go and return these fuckin' movies,

the same stupid movies that are trying to kill us!

(♪ Music over audio)

Hey, you hungry?

Well, we can't sit here all day.

Come on.

Hey, Viper, we're gonna be in the back for a few minutes.

You gonna be okay?

I, uh... found your friend's head.

(Keys jangling)

- Where are we going? - Just follow me.

(Microwave beeps)

Cheers.

(Microwave dings)

So about earlier, I'm, um... sorry.

It's fine.

So, what's with this place? What's your deal?

Well, I love movies.

I used to get paid to talk movies with people,

but then, things changed, and they stopped coming.

In fact, James was like my one and only customer.

On the bright side, though, I haven't paid rent here in years.

I've been kind of hanging here, and nobody bothers me,

which is good coz I don't make any money.

What's your favorite movie?

Hmm...

It's a tough question. So many choices.

Well, since my favorite movie tried to kill us earlier,

I'll give you my second favorite movie.

"Battle Bear".

It was directed by a mad Russian named Nikolai Chenkov.

He was a part-time bear wrangler, but a big-time drug smuggler.

Viper only dies when he stops moving.

(Viper grunting)

Ended up killing three of the crew, two actors,

and injuring 17 other people on set.

One-of-a-kind bear-xploitation film, and it's absolutely perfect.

These are the kind of movies that you watch with your buds

or somebody you're close with, you have a few fuckin' laughs.

Most importantly of all, for 90 minutes in the dark,

you bonded with 'em... it was beautiful.

- Man, fuck that movie! - What, "Battle Bear"?

The Videonomicron, or whatever the hell it's called.

- So, let's kill it. - Let's kill it.

What's the plan?

(Wind whistling)

(Rastro) 'Everyone will know it was your failure.

'She dies on the count of three.

'Three.

'Two.

'One.'

Holy Renny Harlin! I got it.

- Magnets! - What?

(Man) 'The magnetic tape used in VHS

'is only a thin coating on the long narrow plastic strip.

'The video's data is magnetized on the tape

'by using the entire 1,475 feet, which can be demagnetized,

'erasing the content on the VHS tape by another magnetic source.

'In 1997, Kevin commissioned fridge magnets

'to promote Blaster Video.

'However, when his customers took the magnets home,

'contact with their freshly rented movies wiped them clean,

'losing several great movies and costing Kevin a few good customers.

'To this day, he has a stash of those magnets somewhere in this room.'

And even if we die, we're taking it with us.

No. The goal here is to stay alive.

Yeah, okay... What about Viper?

I don't think he's gonna take too kindly to being erased.

We just won't tell him.

(Viper) Hey, Kevin?

Can I speak to you for a moment?

Alone?

I was thinking, maybe with you here,

we could actually find a way outta this place.

(Viper) No.

I wanna rent some movies.

Um... what did you have in mind?

A classic? Something new and fresh?

Horror? Sci-fi? Action?

Well, I was thinking "Hunted Hunter Hunts".

(Grunts) Yeah, it's, um... it's over there somewhere.

- Let's slither over there, friend. - Okay.

It's, um...

Uh...

It's right there.

"Jackson at his absolute best."

Oh, come on, man. No!

- Now show me the rest. - (Groans)

- Where is "Dragon Mission"? - Here!

Why are you doing this?

I found your little magazine over there.

Do you really think I am the worst Jackson?

Uh... Oh!

Then, why is "Fury of the Viper" the only one on clearance?

I ordered too many copies cos I had a good deal, I could a brought so many in,

and everybody was saying it was better than "Double Split", but they fucking lied!

Shut up!

Let's go find "Double Split".

- Break it. - (Kevin sighs heavily)

You don't understand. One's a fighter and one's a writer.

It's Jackson's best movie.

Break it, or I break you.

(Kevin breathing heavily)

I can't. I can't.

Never...

- (Bones crack, Kevin grunts) -...snake...

...a snake!

Kevin!

Fuck!

(Voices echoing faintly)

(Kevin) 'We've got all the categories covered,

'from horror, sci-fi, fantasy, action, even comedy,

'all on VHS.

'And first-time customers get one free rental.

'Well, the snake is out of the bag.

"Fury of the Viper" is on special sale here at the video store!'

(Gasping)

(Viper) Wakey, wakey, eyes on snaky.

Oh, boy.

(Sighs heavily)

(Voices echoing)

The only weapon that matters is the power of friendship.

(Viper) The Videonomicon birthed...

...like a snake bursting from its mother's womb.

I'm destined to be the last Jackson Viper.

The world's passed us by, it's forgotten all about you.

Deal with it.

(Viper) All it wants is for you to finish watching it, Kevin.

Nah, I've watched enough shitty movies in my life.

(Low growling)

(Viper) This will be the last movie of your shitty life.

- (Kevin groans) - Watch it!

Let's watch something good, like "Double Split".

(Castor growls) Glory!

Spoken like a true snake.

(Screaming)

(Nyla echoing) 'Oh, Cobra! Oh, Cobra...'

(Kevin groans)

(Viper) Nice save, little one.

And you think you can fight me all by yourself?

Know what, Cobra?

You're a fucking bully.

(Castor growling)

(Viper screaming)

Oh! (Laughing)

Tommy Taggert... (Scoffs) Cheap bastards.

- (Castor) Teammates! - (Laughing)

(Castor roars)

(Man) '...the magnets... use the magnets.'

Gimme the magnets.

I know what I have to do.

Hey...

You have a really cool video store.

Yeah.

It was great.

Always remember...

...be kind and...

Aargh! Fuck, no!

- So, do you wanna...? - Toss me.

Okay.

(Kevin yells)

(Kevin yelling)

(Kevin) Oh... shit!

(Thuds)

(Groaning and coughing)

"Warpgate"?

(Wind whistling)

Castor! So good to see you.

- You always do come back. - (Castor) Teammates.

Yep, okay, you can let go!

Did you kill the main character from this movie?

We're gonna have to work on that.

Now, what?

Castor, my friend, I think this is the beginning of a new cinematic adventure.

(Explosions)

(Explosions)

(Kevin yells)

(Castor growls)