Original subtitles

This will be a pantomime like no other.

Together, we will make history.

Cause of death appears to be a stab wound to the heart.

My poor Aubrey. Who would do this to him?

Were you and your father close?

I hated him, but he's the only family I had.

I can be your friend.It's a deal.

I hope I'm not a suspect.

Did Aubrey find out about the affair?

He died without a will. The bulk of the estate

passes to the surviving spouse.

I know you killed him.

Did you kill your last husband too?

There's something not right about that girl. I haven't seen her shed

a single tear.

Has the cat got your tongue?

She's got...an eye!

Horatio Nelson has a name.

Silas Kaleb, age 72.

"Season's greetings and a happy ever after."

I can't let you down. The show must go on.

Oh, for goodness sakes, Samira. Spit it out.

Shall I get your medication?

It transpires we have some sort of serial murderer on our hands.

Poisoned?

Did anyone see Samira eating or drinking anything in the half hour

before her death?

Well, she was onstage rehearsing the entire time.

Cinderella's strawberry!

I know they're your favourite.

Cinderella's going to bed without any supper. I'll take that.

Ooh, that's sour!

Cinderella, are you still here?

Where did the strawberry come from?

From me.

I made it.

It was made out of marzipan for the full props rehearsal.

Then what happened?

It went on the props table.

Anyone could have tampered with it.

But why would I kill Samira?

Maybe she discovered you were responsible for your father's death?

I told you yesterday.

Bunny is getting everything - my home, my inheritance.

She must be responsible.

Thank you, Miss Frobisher.

We'll be in touch if there's anything else.

Ah, Sister. What have you got?

A possible murder weapon.

Good man! I'd say its maker was our prime suspect.

Why would anyone want to poison my wife?

We were hoping you might be able to shed some light.

Did she have any enemies? Enemies?

The woman's a saint.

Was a saint.

Are you aware of your wife's emergency meeting with

Aubrey Frobisher the day he died?

No, I know nothing about it.

It was to do with the panto charity account.

Sorry, I...

I can't believe she's gone.

Please, find out who's done this.

Don't doubt it, Mr Rowbotham.

Due to last night's tragedy, I'm afraid we are now

two cast members down.

They're not "down"!

They were felled! Murdered!

Well, of course we're not being picked off one by one!

This isn't Phantom Of The Opera.

Look, I have Great Slaughter's finest on the case, and every faith

that they will solve it imminently.

Great stuff.

Moreover, since when have GSADS let murder

get in the way of a performance?

He's got a point!

It is for the children.Huh?

Then the show will go on.

And a starring role to fill.

I've got just the person in mind to play our new wicked stepmother.

Well, it is a big role,

but if there's really no-one else.

I meant Dorothy.

I could have sworn for a second he said...me!

Are you...sure that she's the right fit for the role?

Trust me, she's perfect.

The subversion of expectation.

Evil wearing the visage of an angel.

Dorothy, come with me and I'll walk you through it.

You should know that learning lines isn't exactly my forte.

That's what improvisation is for.

Well, this has gone far enough! Hector, I insist you do something.

Me?!

Well, with both Aubrey and Samira gone,

you are acting chairman of GSADS.

I insist you call an emergency general meeting.

Hello, Wilf, how can I help you?

I want to confess to the murder of Mrs Rowbotham.

What reason did you have for killing Mrs Rowbotham?

She was a bad person.

Bad people should be punished.

It's in the Bible.

How was she a bad person?

She punished us.

All the children hated her.

The Sunday School Medley?

No.

At the orphanage.

Mrs Rowbotham worked at your orphanage?

She used to be matron.

We called her the Wicked Witch.

Can you tell us what you poisoned her with?

Rat poison?

Of course, we didn't believe a word of it.

But as he's confessed and given us a possible murder weapon,

we have no choice but to arrest him.

Spit it out.

Well, toxicology results were very revealing.

Samira was murdered with strychnine, which just so happens

to be a component of rat poison.

Thank you for coming.

It sounded urgent.

Do I deduce you've been investigating?

I believe a crime has been committed.

The fox was framed.

Sister Boniface confirmed death by rat poisoned strawberry,

but we've precious little in the way of suspects or motive.

We have a name for the child.

A daughter, Janice, 50.

She's our only lead. We need to find her.

Let's carry out background and criminal record checks.

I've got something.Hallelujah!

Samira Rowbotham - you know those charities?

CFYC? Henson Collection? Wheels?

They're all bogus.

The money's been diverted into one account.

Whose?

"So in the dead of night, they sent their soldiers who hid

"a golden cup on the princess and said she was a thief.

"They put her in chains and locked her in a tower."

Stop! You aren't allowed in here, madam.

I heard you confessed.

Why would you do that?

I'll have to ask you to leave, Miss.

Please, Wilf. You don't understand what will happen to you.

I don't understand.

Aubrey became suspicious of these bogus charities.

If you were caught embezzling, you would have been finished -

both professionally and personally.

So, you killed him.

You've got it all wrong.

But now Samira knew about it.

She was under suspicion herself.

Did she threaten to hand you in?

I didn't take that money!

Well, your bank statements say otherwise.

It was my account in name only.

Of course, married women can't have bank accounts

but Samira dealt with all the finances.

All I did was sign the cheques.

I didn't even look at the bank statements.

She went on quite a spending spree.

A new car, a new dishwashing machine, a central heating system.

And you never questioned where the money came from?

I just assumed she was adept with the housekeeping.

I don't know anything about this missing money.

A married man hands over complete control of his finances to his wife?

It's a hard story to swallow.

Men like me, weak men like me,

need women like Samira to survive.

She was my shield and my strength.

I don't know how I'll cope without her.

Who sent you this?

No idea. Why?

I think we all agree.

The recasting of wicked stepmother is the final straw.

No offence, Dotty.None taken.

You're much better at being wicked than I am.

Well, perhaps Jonas had a point about the subversion

of good and evil.

Dotty?

Oh, God! Yes. Yes, you're right.

He's hijacked our opus for a vanity project and turned it

into an Ibsenesque farce.

I mean, it's a travesty, a disaster.

Insanity!

Well, thank goodness you've seen the light.

Something must be done.

Although I'm not sure what.

Tar and feathering.

Yes, well, maybe something that manages to avoid

actual physical harm.

Bravo, Sam.

Painted by the same hand...

..and with the same rather odd greeting inside.

I wonder if Aubrey Frobisher received one, too.

Funny you should say that.

We went straight back, and lo and behold...

Ah, yes. You'll notice someone missing.

Saint Joseph. Saint Joseph.

Correct.

Of course! Um...

Pass me the first card, will you?

Here, take a look at this.

The smudges in the trees.

On close examination, they aren't smudges at all.

They're crows.

Here, and look at this.

What do you see in the window?

A wicked witch's face?

Are they some type of code?

We're looking for one murderer for all three victims.

What was the link?

Find the link and we catch our killer.

Whilst we appreciate all your efforts and, uh, flair

as a director, the time has come for a parting of the ways.

Et tu, Brute?

We are not worthy of your talents, maestro.

I mean, it's not you. It's...

It's us.

Are you absolutely sure you want to do that?

I'm the star billing.

Critics are flocking to see it.

It's not about the critics. It's about the audience.

It's always about the critics!

And what will I say when they ask why Jonas Blake walked away from

his much-anticipated directorial debut?

That he was unable to work with a ramshackle troupe of amateurs

who, by their own admission, weren't worthy?

We'd be the laughing stock of the county!

You'll be national laughing stocks.

It'll be plastered over the arts pages of every newspaper.

Are you blackmailing us?

I'm helping you to reach your heights.

Have courage to be the avant-garde.

When the reviews are out, you'll know I was right.

You can go down in history as groundbreakers,

or with your reputation shredded. The choice is yours.

I take it this is extra curricular?

Reverend Mother.

Oh, I seem to have lost track of time.

I'll be out of here in two shakes of a...

You carry on, Sister.

Oh, yes.

Righto.

I assume you're looking for Samira Rowbotham's killer?

I heard the boy confessed to murder.

What was he thinking?

He could be diagnosed criminally insane and sent to Broadmoor.

You're very fond of Wilf.

He reminds me of my... my brother Dougal.

Only, my parents refused to send him away.

Daddy said that with 11 already, one more would make no difference.

Except that he did.

He was our ray of sunshine.

He was blessed. He had a family.

Unlike poor Wilf.

People like Dougal and Wilf don't need locking away.

They need the same as everyone else - love, care and purpose.

Amen to that.

Right, I'd better get on with this.

Do your best work.

Yes.

It's just, um, it is a bit distracting with you...

Goodnight, then, Sister.

Don't forget to turn off the lights when you leave!

Good morning, sir. Good morning, Felix.

I found a 30-year-old conviction for Silas's daughter, Janice.

Larceny. She was a maid who stole a valuable bracelet from her employer.

That would explain the fallout with her family.

That's not all, though.

Her employer was Aubrey Frobisher's mother.

Which means we now have a link between Silas Kaleb

and Aubrey Frobisher.Right.

One last thing.

The arresting officer was Police Constable Hector Lowsley.

Heard you were looking for me?

Take a seat, please, Sister Reginald.

Don't mind if I do.

Oh! Bunions have been giving me the right gyp.

What's this? Third degree?

You are trying our patience, Sister Reginald.

But it is of no matter.

We have ways of making you talk.

We have questions regarding the alleged apprehension

of Terry the turkey.

Sister Peter, it turns out, is quite the Sherlock Holmes.

Shouldn't you be talking to the fox?

The edges have a pointed end.

This fence wasn't torn by tooth and claw.

It was wire cutters.

And this - allegedly ripped out in the struggle.

Except lack of skin or blood or trauma on the calamus suggests

it was shed naturally.

So what?And tests reveal the blood to be a mixture of cocoa

and icing sugar.

And finally, turkey footprints on the outside perimeter

of the fence, heading in the direction of the woods.

I raised him from an egg.

He's a cheeky little ball of fluff.

We just got on from the off.

The thought of chopping his head off...

..never mind him being cooked!

Eaten!

If it's any consolation, the guilt's been killing me.

I never meant we'd go hungry Christmas Day.

Not goose? I ask you!

Has the woman lost her marbles?

There's only one thing for it.

Confession, repentance, absolution.

I'll fess up to Reverend Mother.

I hope she remembers the absolution.

And at least Terry is free.

He's probably running in the woods, trying his wings

and foraging for berries.

Good old Terry.

It must be 30 years ago.

I was a wet behind the ears constable

partnered with Sergeant Derek Spike.

Janice Kaleb was accused of stealing a bracelet from her employer,

and she was married to some ministerial whatnot

so we had to take it seriously.

I had no idea that the son was Aubrey Frobisher.The son?

When arrested, Janice claimed to be pregnant by the son

of the house and that the family were trying to get rid of her.

What did the family say?

Well, they denied it, naturally, and said that their boy hadn't laid

a finger on her and that she was the sort of girl that was known

to be loose with her favours.

Aubrey Frobisher! I mean, who'd have thought it?

Didn't you interview him?

Well, he was up at Oxford at the time.

And by then, it was too late anyway.

Derek Spike and I had already searched the parents' house

and found the bracelet in her bedroom under a floorboard.

Yeah.

It wasn't till later that I had cause to doubt.

Sir?

Er, yes. Well, not long after, Derek Spike was, well, turfed out

of the force for bribery and corruption.

He went into security, and a year later was killed in a raid

on a bullion depot.

It wasn't till much later that we discovered

that he was an inside man.

Do you think the family bribed him to plant the evidence?

Well, with the benefit of hindsight, damn right I do!

But it was too late for Janice Kaleb.

She'd already served her sentence of three months for larceny.

I don't suppose you know what happened to her?

We're working on it, sir.

We now have a link between Silas Kaleb and Aubrey Frobisher.

But how are they linked to Samira Rowbotham?

What did you find out, Sister?

Well, I didn't recover any forensic evidence,

but under the microscope, the cardstock shows subtle

variations, possibly caused by the presence

of an invisible watermark.

Sister?

What's that?

Toxicology results on Wilf's rat poison.

Right...

So, here's the thing.

I don't have all day, Sister Reginald!

It's about Terry.Ah.

So your conscience is troubling you, letting a fox take him?

That's it, see.

He wasn't.

Taken by a fox.

He wasn't taken by a fox?

He wasn't...taken by a fox

because... He wasn't taken by a fox

because Terry is safely returned and back in his pen!

Is there something wrong with your vocal cords, Sister Reginald?

Why didn't you just come out with it in the first place?

Oh, this is joyful news!

I shall bear the good tidings to Sister Lawrence myself.

Oh, yes!

I'm sorry.

God's will, innit?

Right... Wilf, you're free to go.

You know that rat poison?

We tested it, and it was salt and bicarbonate of soda.

Did you get it from the props table?

Yes.

You know, wasting police time can be a serious offence.

Are you going to tell us why you did it?

I don't know.

All right.

Come on. There's someone we want to fetch from the hospital.

But first, there's someone waiting for you at reception.

Come on.

Eucalyptus?

Bingo!

Oh, yes! Sam, it's me.

I think I know who sent the cards,

but I can't for the life of me think why.

The princess pushed the soldiers from the top of the tower

and escaped with the golden egg.

The egg hatched into a beautiful baby dragon who the princess loved

like the sun and moon and all the stars.

Well, I'll be there.

And not to worry -

Mum's the word!

Why did you confess to killing Samira?

I heard the police. They said you were suspect number one.

I suppose I should be flattered!

Did you think I did it?

I saw the tin of poison in the props cupboard.

I just didn't want you to get caught.

Look, if I was going to murder someone, I'd think of something

much more inventive than poison.

Like trampling them to death with a herd of horses!

See - you have thought about it!

You could have gone to prison.

I'm already in prison. Are you still my friend?

You're a champ, Wilf Wilson!

You confessed to murder for me.

I'd say that makes us friends forever.Until you leave.

Shall we get some mulled wine?

I've never had mulled wine. You'll like it.

Just don't get tipsy and confess to another murder!

Ooh!

We'll need to use forced entry.

We don't have a warrant. Well, we don't need one

if we suspect someone's breaking in.

Well, no-one's breaking in.

Not yet, they're not. Out the way.

Back door was open!

Hellooo?

Hello?

Is there anybody there?

I hope you're right about this, Sister.

Well, all three cards were made from eucalyptus pulp.

Not to mention the watermarks of the golden wattle,

the flower indigenous to Australia.

And it seems we have our artist.

But how is Jonas Blake, the son of an outback farmer, linked

to all of our victims?

Locked. Need to find something to jimmy it open.

Oh, allow me. A little something I picked up from Father Brown.

What's that?

I have no idea.

Look.

"Once Upon A Time by Janice Kaleb.

"For my son, Jason."

Jason Kaleb.

It's an anagram of Jonas Blake.

Some kind of fairy tale.

And it appears the final illustrations

were made by a different hand.

The same as the Christmas cards.

Dedicated to Silas Kaleb, Aubrey Frobisher,

Samira Rowbotham and...

Felix, get the station on the telephone.

I say, old boy,

I may have tried to oust you, but this is, um...

..a bit extreme, don't you think?

When this rope is cut, you'll plummet like a stone.

But before that, I want to tell you a story.

Every night as I was going to sleep,

my mother would tell me a fairy tale.

Only later I realised it was no tale.

So...if you are hanging comfortably, I shall begin.

Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess

with hair as golden as the sun.

Her father told her that if she was virtuous and pure, then one day

she would meet a handsome prince.

Did this princess have a name?

Janice.

Janice Kaleb!

You're her son.

What? So she didn't give you up?

She refused.

Worked her fingers to the bone in menial jobs to keep us together.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

The princess grew up virtuous and pure,

and one day she met a handsome prince.

He said he loved her and gave her a golden egg.

But the handsome prince turned into a frog,

and it was a knife to her heart.

Aubrey Frobisher...

You killed your father!

He was no father.

He seduced my mother with promises of marriage, then denied my

very existence, and continued to deny me to the end.

This is a mistake, I tell you!

You've confused me with someone else.

I never knew Janice Kaleb.

I knifed him in the heart as he did my mother.

And you killed Silas Kaleb!

Who's telling this story?

Oh, no, no, no. The floor is yours, old bean!

Literally.

The princess returned to her father's castle,

but he was angry his daughter had married a frog

and cast her out into the winter snow, where she would freeze

with her eyes pecked out by crows.

Father and grandfather.

Well, this is turning into a...

..well, quite the familicide!

He cast her out for bringing shame on the family.

16 years old and pregnant with only the clothes on her back.

Although I will admit he was the only one to cause me hesitation.

I looked in his face and I saw my mother's eyes.

Good afternoon, sir. My car broke down.

Can I use your telephone to call for help?

Only the resemblance stopped there.

Only tuppence for the call.

A poetic justice, don't you think?

And so the story continues.

The princess made her way to the frog prince's kingdom.

But the king and queen didn't want it known that their son

had turned into a frog.

And so, in the dead of night, they sent their soldiers,

who hid a golden cup on the princess and said she was a thief.

They put the princess in chains and locked her in a tower.

Hang on a jolly minute!

I want it on record that Derek Spike was responsible for that.

I've never taken a bribe in my life!

Unless, of course, you count the, um, the odd pork chop

from Ted Button for turning a blind eye to his delivery van

for obstructing the high street.

But, you know, I mean, that's more of a civic duty, really.

I mean, after all, a town without meat is a city under siege.

Obviously, you'd deny it!

From corrupt constable to Chief Constable.

All the farther to fall from your ivory tower.

The princess pushed the soldiers from the top of the tower

and escaped with the golden egg.

The egg hatched into a beautiful baby dragon, whom the princess

loved like the sun and moon and all of the stars.

And they all lived happily...

Wait! You haven't finished yet!

Your story ends here.

Sorry! Um, I don't mean to interrupt you mid rehearsal, but Trevor Jones

has lost his asthma inhaler and thinks

it might have been when the Sunday School medley were rehearsing.

She's harmless, Jonas. Let her go.

She's a witness.

Don't think about running, Sister.

My upbringing wasn't up to much,

but I can hit a moving possum at 40ft.

I'm not afraid of death.

It goes with the job.

But I couldn't help overhearing,

and I do hate not knowing how a story ends.

When I was eight, my mother got TB from years of living

in mouldy tenements.

I was sent to an orphanage while she spent months in hospital.

The baby dragon was stolen from the princess by a wicked witch.

She locked it in a cage and sent it to the dark lands

across the world, and told the princess her dragon was dead.

I was wondering when we'd get to Samira Rowbotham.

She should never have been in charge of children.

She hated children.

Particularly the ones who challenged her.

We were labelled wayward and a special punishment meted out.

Samira Rowbotham locked you in a cage and sent you to Australia?

She told me my mother didn't want me and selected me

for the child migrant programme.

Thousands of us - the orphaned, the unwanted, the drains on society...

..promised loving homes,

then shipped off like convicts to lives of abuse.

When my mother returned for me,

they told her I was dead.

Well, that's not on!

Some of us had their names changed to stop their families

looking for them. And what happened to you?

I was adopted by outback farmers.

They didn't want children.

They needed unpaid labour.

Five of us living in a shed because God forbid we dirty their house.

You poor child.

I escaped as soon as I was big enough to outrun the old git.

Then Melbourne, and the end of our story.

The dragon grew bigger and stronger

until it could fly back across the world, where it sought out

those who had wronged the princess and rained fire on them!

And they all lived happily ever after.

Wait! I've got you, sir!

Who's up there?

Get down here now!

I think he's got percussion!

I'm very sorry for what happened to you and your mother.

You both suffered terribly at the hands of others.

Thank you, Sister.

You know, you're the first person to say that.

May I ask what happened to Janice?

On returning to England, I tracked her down.

I wanted to parade my success.

Show her how wrong she was for abandoning me.

So...you found her?

I was nearly too late.

She was in hospital, riddled with cancer.

And far from abandoning me,

she believed for all those years that I was dead.

At least she died knowing the truth.

She only lived a few more days.

She said they were the happiest days of her life.

When I heard her story, I swore on her dying breath to avenge her.

Completing her fairy tale felt appropriate.

I think she would be proud.

Don't you?

I will pray for you.

With me.

Well, a grateful thank you once again, Sister.

And I hope you'll accept a reward

by way of a Christmas gift

from the Great Slaughter Police.

Perhaps a new, um,

well, gizmo thingy for the lab?

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!

And what would you like for Christmas, little girl?

A dolly?

A spinning top?

Ooh!

A high-range microscope.

Infrared camera? Spectrometer?

Cyanoacrylate?

Fuming chamber?!

Actually, sir, there is something.

He's my half brother.

And he murdered our father.

It's revolting.

He was taken from a loving mother and condemned

to a childhood of abuse.

It's impossible to know the damage it inflicted on his mind.

This place is cursed.

I can't wait to sell up and get out of here.

Actually, you'll need to accompany us to the station

to answer a few questions about your husband.

Why do you want to talk about Aubrey?

Your first husband - the one you claim made you a widow -

when he is, in fact, alive and well in France.

He's dead to me

after running off with that croupier from Monte Carlo.

I was, to all intents, a widow.

Not in the eyes of the law.

Bigamy is a criminal offence. Come on.

As is fraud for monetary gain. This way.

I don't understand. What does this mean?

Well, it means that your father's marriage was never legal.

And as his sole heir, all this is yours.

We can't let this defeat us!

Yes, true -

our director went on a killing spree, but now he is safely

behind bars and our opening night is sold out.

We can't carry on!

This will be all over the newspapers.

The Pantomime of Death!

There is no such thing as bad publicity.

And what about the little children?

Well, no, it isn't Christmas without the pantomime.

We'll pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down,

and garner our fighting spirit!

Oh! Thank you, Tom.

It will be an honour for me to take over as director.

I'll gird my loins,

go back to the book, and we will deliver what we do best!

A traditional Christmas family entertainment!

Hurrah!

There's extra cranberries and raisins in there.

You're a top geezer, Terry.

I could see that the minute you hatched.

And you're a very good listener.

I want you to know, I hope you had a good life.

I shall miss our little chats.

I'll make it quick.

You won't feel a thing.

Sister Reginald, no!

What?

Hello, Wilf!

Am I in trouble?

Have you done something?

You aren't in trouble! Sit down.

I wanted to talk to you about this...

Maplecrest Farm.

It's a new facility. Very progressive.

It's for people like you who want to live more independent lives.

It looks nice.Yes.

There are 18 residents and trained staff to look after everybody

and supervise them in the community, in their jobs.

They have jobs?Oh, yes.

Either on the farm or in the community.

Now, I've spoken to the relevant authorities.

Obviously there would have to be an assessment, but the place

is yours if you want it.

And you'd have friends.

You're my friend.

And friends help each other out.

It's not far from here, and you'll need a job

while I need help at my new livery yard.

That way, we would see each other almost every day.

So...what do you think?

Deal.

Oyez! Oyez!

By royal decree, King Otto invites you to tonight's

performance of...Cinderella!

Cinderella, look at this!

Buttons? Buttons!

Give that to me!

The king is holding a grand ball to find a bride for the prince!

Every eligible maiden in the land is invited.

I'm going to marry a prince!

Cinderella is the prettiest girl in the land!

Isn't she, boys and girls?

No, she isn't!

Oh, yes, she is!

Enough!

Any more noise out of you lot

and I'll have you all put in the stocks

and pelted with vegetables!

I'm talking to you,

the little boy in the red jumper in the third row.

I've got my eye on you.

First, Buttons, you've got to run my bath.

Righto!

Righto.

Then you've got to shave my legs. Righto!

Why do you keep saying "righto"?

Because you're standing on my right toe!

Your invitation to the ball.

Are you happy, Cinderella?

Yes, I am.

Then tear it up!

Crystal slipper?!

You couldn't fit your foot in the Crystal Palace!

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

She's behind you!

What?She's behind you!

A winter strawberry!

Oh, I'm so hungry!

How can I ever thank you, Buttons?

How about a kiss?

I've never kissed a boy.

Aw! It's easy.

Close your eyes and pretend you're blowing out a candle.

Woo!

Aw!

Joy To The World

A few words before we start.

Make it a few! I'm starving!

Let us thank God for this magnificent feast

and the Great Slaughter Police for their generous gift

of this magnificent bird.

Amen.

Happy Christmas, Sister Reg.

# Joy to the world, the Lord is come

# Let Earth receive her King

# Let every heart prepare Him room

# And heaven and nature sing

# And heaven and nature sing

# And heaven and nature sing

# And heaven, and heaven and nature sing #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media