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♪ It seems today
that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,778 --> 00:00:07,780
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,848 --> 00:00:10,983
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,051 --> 00:00:14,387
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,454 --> 00:00:17,557
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a...
Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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Family Guy 8x19
The Splendid Source
Original Air Date on May 16, 2010
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-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --
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00:00:32,506 --> 00:00:33,973
Hi. This is Peter.
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00:00:34,041 --> 00:00:35,675
Don't get scaredthat you can hear my voice
14
00:00:35,742 --> 00:00:37,076
but you can't see me.
15
00:00:37,144 --> 00:00:39,211
This is the storyof a great adventure
16
00:00:39,279 --> 00:00:41,147
that happened to meand some of my pals.
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00:00:41,214 --> 00:00:43,249
It all began innocently enough,
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00:00:43,317 --> 00:00:46,385
with my stupid wife showing mesome dumb-ass brochure.
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00:00:46,453 --> 00:00:49,088
So, here's where we'll all
be staying this weekend.
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00:00:49,156 --> 00:00:50,790
You and I will
have one cabin,
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00:00:50,857 --> 00:00:52,191
and Bonnie and
Joe and Quagmire
22
00:00:52,259 --> 00:00:53,459
will have the
other two.
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00:00:53,527 --> 00:00:55,328
Ah, this is going
to be so much fun!
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00:00:56,597 --> 00:00:58,130
Hi, Chris.
How was school?
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00:00:58,198 --> 00:00:59,332
Not good.
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00:00:59,399 --> 00:01:01,734
I got suspended for
saying bad words.
27
00:01:01,802 --> 00:01:03,102
Oh, for God's sake!
28
00:01:03,170 --> 00:01:04,704
My principal wants to
meet with you guys.
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00:01:04,771 --> 00:01:05,871
Should we go?
30
00:01:05,939 --> 00:01:07,173
It sounds like a trap.
31
00:01:07,240 --> 00:01:08,541
Yes, Peter,
we should go.
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00:01:08,609 --> 00:01:10,977
All right, but if it's a trap
and we don't come back,
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00:01:11,044 --> 00:01:12,411
I get to make
smart-alecky remarks
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00:01:12,479 --> 00:01:14,847
when we're tied up back-to-back,
like last time.
35
00:01:14,915 --> 00:01:17,750
Any more bright
ideas, Professor?
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00:01:21,054 --> 00:01:23,856
Mr. and Mrs. Griffin, the
reason Chris was suspended
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00:01:23,924 --> 00:01:26,692
is that he told a very
inappropriate joke in class.
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00:01:26,760 --> 00:01:27,927
Well, Principal Shepherd,
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00:01:27,995 --> 00:01:29,895
we promise you
it won't happen again.
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00:01:29,963 --> 00:01:31,797
I don't know where Chris
heard the joke,
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00:01:31,865 --> 00:01:33,766
but I can assure you
it wasn't at home.
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00:01:33,834 --> 00:01:35,001
Was it, Chris?
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00:01:35,068 --> 00:01:36,702
No. Mr. Quagmire
told it to me.
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00:01:36,770 --> 00:01:38,170
I should have figured.
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00:01:38,238 --> 00:01:39,839
Was it the one
where the blind man
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00:01:39,906 --> 00:01:42,341
walks by the fish market and
says, "Good morning, ladies"?
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00:01:42,409 --> 00:01:44,210
(laughing):
I told you that one!
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00:01:44,277 --> 00:01:45,511
You told me that one.
49
00:01:45,579 --> 00:01:46,846
I sure did.
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00:01:46,913 --> 00:01:48,681
We enjoy
each other's company.
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00:01:52,653 --> 00:01:53,886
Hey, Quagmire.
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00:01:53,954 --> 00:01:55,554
You know, you got Chris
suspended from school
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00:01:55,622 --> 00:01:56,889
for telling one of
your dirty jokes.
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00:01:56,957 --> 00:01:58,190
Oh, gosh, Peter, I'm sorry.
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00:01:58,258 --> 00:01:59,725
You want me to talk to him?
56
00:01:59,793 --> 00:02:00,826
Well, no,
actually, I...
57
00:02:00,894 --> 00:02:02,294
I want you to tell
me the joke.
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00:02:02,362 --> 00:02:03,562
Yeah, tell us
the joke.
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00:02:03,630 --> 00:02:05,064
You want to hear it?
All right.
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00:02:05,132 --> 00:02:07,166
So, this chick meets a guy
at a bar, and...
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00:02:07,234 --> 00:02:09,068
(muttering indistinctly)
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00:02:10,604 --> 00:02:12,905
P.S. Your vagina's in the sink.
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00:02:12,973 --> 00:02:15,775
(guffawing)
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00:02:15,842 --> 00:02:17,743
Oh, God,
I pooped my pants.
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00:02:17,811 --> 00:02:20,713
(chuckles) It's funny
when it happens to other people.
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00:02:23,116 --> 00:02:25,785
Yuck. That's the end
of those underwears.
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00:02:25,852 --> 00:02:27,953
I didn't know what to do,
so I took them off
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00:02:28,021 --> 00:02:30,156
and hummed them at the wall,
and they started sliding down
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00:02:30,223 --> 00:02:31,190
like one of them
sticky octopuses.
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00:02:31,258 --> 00:02:32,358
Well, it's a pretty funny joke,
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00:02:32,426 --> 00:02:33,559
you know,
when you think about it.
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00:02:33,627 --> 00:02:34,894
"Your vagina's in the sink."
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00:02:34,961 --> 00:02:36,662
(laughs)
Damn it!
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00:02:38,031 --> 00:02:40,399
Wow. He poops every time
he hears that joke.
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00:02:40,467 --> 00:02:41,767
(chuckles)
Yeah.
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00:02:41,835 --> 00:02:43,703
He does, doesn't he?
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00:02:46,873 --> 00:02:49,175
(both giggling)
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00:02:49,242 --> 00:02:50,676
Get out of here,
Quagmire!
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00:02:50,744 --> 00:02:52,478
I just put on
clean pants!
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00:02:55,315 --> 00:02:57,249
(cell phone vibrating)
Who's texting me?
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00:02:57,317 --> 00:02:59,051
(laughs)
Damn it!
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00:02:59,119 --> 00:03:01,654
(Quagmire and Joe
laughing)
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00:03:01,722 --> 00:03:02,988
Stop it, you guys!
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00:03:03,056 --> 00:03:04,724
You're ruining all my clothes!
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00:03:11,898 --> 00:03:13,966
Okay, Quagmire,
he's asleep.
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00:03:25,145 --> 00:03:26,445
(laughing)
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00:03:28,982 --> 00:03:30,015
Peter!
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00:03:30,083 --> 00:03:31,684
You just pooped
all over the bed!
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00:03:31,752 --> 00:03:35,821
When you poop in your dreams,
you poop for real.
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00:03:39,926 --> 00:03:41,727
Hello, fellas.
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00:03:41,795 --> 00:03:43,462
Hey, Pete...
Hey, those are my pants.
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00:03:43,530 --> 00:03:44,730
That's right.
Thought I'd come by
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00:03:44,798 --> 00:03:46,465
and see if you have
any jokes to tell.
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00:03:46,533 --> 00:03:47,833
I enjoy a joke.
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00:03:47,901 --> 00:03:49,168
I don't know.
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00:03:49,236 --> 00:03:51,270
I want to tell the joke,
but I like those pants.
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00:03:51,338 --> 00:03:52,471
I'll tell the joke.
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00:03:52,539 --> 00:03:53,806
Go ahead, Joe. I'm all anus.
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00:03:53,874 --> 00:03:55,040
Joe, don't you dare.
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00:03:55,108 --> 00:03:56,242
I'll push you straight
into traffic.
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00:03:56,309 --> 00:03:57,409
Peter, you win.
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00:03:57,477 --> 00:03:59,078
All right, I won't
tell the joke anymore.
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00:03:59,146 --> 00:04:00,579
You know, I-I got
to admit, Quagmire,
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00:04:00,647 --> 00:04:01,947
despite all
the problems,
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00:04:02,015 --> 00:04:03,382
that joke is
freaking hilarious.
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00:04:03,450 --> 00:04:05,317
Where'd you hear it?
Bruce told it to me.
107
00:04:05,385 --> 00:04:06,619
No way Bruce came
up with that.
108
00:04:06,686 --> 00:04:07,853
Where'd he hear it?
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00:04:07,921 --> 00:04:09,221
I don't know--
probably just around.
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00:04:09,289 --> 00:04:11,690
I mean, where does any
dirty joke come from?
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00:04:11,758 --> 00:04:12,925
Hey, you know,
Joe is right.
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00:04:12,993 --> 00:04:14,093
There's a million
of them.
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00:04:14,161 --> 00:04:15,561
They got to be coming
from somewhere.
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00:04:15,629 --> 00:04:17,530
I mean, somebody's got to
be making these things up.
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00:04:17,597 --> 00:04:18,931
Well, who?
I don't know.
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00:04:18,999 --> 00:04:21,066
But haven't you ever
wanted to find out?
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00:04:21,134 --> 00:04:23,502
Well, yeah, but how
would anyone do that?
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00:04:23,570 --> 00:04:24,870
A quest, Joe.
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00:04:24,938 --> 00:04:26,806
We go on a quest
to find the source
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00:04:26,873 --> 00:04:28,174
of the world's dirty jokes.
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00:04:28,241 --> 00:04:29,408
Who's with me?
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00:04:29,476 --> 00:04:30,442
Well, I'm with you.
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00:04:30,510 --> 00:04:31,777
Oh, what the hell? So am I.
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00:04:33,180 --> 00:04:34,713
PETER:
And so began our journey
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00:04:34,781 --> 00:04:36,415
to find the splendid source
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00:04:36,483 --> 00:04:38,250
of off-color humoras we know it.
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00:04:38,318 --> 00:04:40,820
Our first stopwas to see Bruce.
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00:04:40,887 --> 00:04:42,087
Oh, hey.
129
00:04:42,155 --> 00:04:43,522
What size shoes
is y'alls?
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00:04:43,590 --> 00:04:44,890
Actually,
we're not here to bowl.
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00:04:44,958 --> 00:04:46,192
We were wondering
where you heard
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00:04:46,259 --> 00:04:47,860
that dirty joke
you told Quagmire.
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00:04:47,928 --> 00:04:49,728
Oh, that one? Oh, no.
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00:04:49,796 --> 00:04:52,164
I'm not going to tell y'all
that one here at the workplace.
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00:04:52,232 --> 00:04:53,399
Too dirty.
136
00:04:53,466 --> 00:04:54,767
Maybe after quitting time,
137
00:04:54,835 --> 00:04:56,735
I'll have a mimosa
and tell y'all then.
138
00:04:56,803 --> 00:04:59,338
Look, you blade, just tell us
who you heard it from.
139
00:04:59,406 --> 00:05:01,907
PETER:
It turned out the jokealready had quite a history.
140
00:05:01,975 --> 00:05:03,642
Bruce had heard itfrom Consuela.
141
00:05:03,710 --> 00:05:05,244
Consuela heard itfrom Mayor West.
142
00:05:05,312 --> 00:05:06,712
West heard it from Dr.Hartman.
143
00:05:06,780 --> 00:05:08,380
Hartman heard it from Angela,
144
00:05:08,448 --> 00:05:10,583
Angela from Opie,Opie from Herbert.
145
00:05:10,650 --> 00:05:12,051
Herbert heard itfrom Tom Tucker.
146
00:05:12,118 --> 00:05:13,786
Tucker heard it from Benderon Futurama,
147
00:05:13,854 --> 00:05:15,321
oddly enough, for some reason.
148
00:05:15,388 --> 00:05:16,622
Bender heard itfrom Al Harrington,
149
00:05:16,690 --> 00:05:18,557
Harrington from REO Speedwagon.
150
00:05:18,625 --> 00:05:21,894
♪ Heard it from a friend who ♪
151
00:05:21,962 --> 00:05:24,530
♪ Heard it
from a friend who ♪
152
00:05:24,598 --> 00:05:26,599
♪ Heard it from another... ♪
153
00:05:26,666 --> 00:05:28,667
REO Speedwagonsaved us several stops,
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00:05:28,735 --> 00:05:31,537
as they, too, had backtrackedthe joke to some extent.
155
00:05:31,605 --> 00:05:33,038
But when their trail had led
156
00:05:33,106 --> 00:05:34,840
to a bartender in Virginia,they had given up,
157
00:05:34,908 --> 00:05:36,976
much the way the worldhad given up on them.
158
00:05:37,043 --> 00:05:39,211
In fact, just to kick thema couple extra bucks,
159
00:05:39,279 --> 00:05:41,247
here's five secondsof "Time for Me to Fly."
160
00:05:41,314 --> 00:05:42,481
No, don't!
161
00:05:42,549 --> 00:05:44,149
All the money goes
to my bitch ex-wife!
162
00:05:44,217 --> 00:05:45,718
Can you play our song?
163
00:05:45,785 --> 00:05:47,720
PETER:
Okay, lead singer from Asia.
164
00:05:47,787 --> 00:05:51,891
♪ Now, sure as the sun
will cross the sky ♪
165
00:05:51,958 --> 00:05:55,261
♪ This lie is over... ♪
166
00:05:58,598 --> 00:06:00,666
We can't go
to Virginia, Peter.
167
00:06:00,734 --> 00:06:03,035
Bonnie and Lois planned
that couples weekend to Maine.
168
00:06:03,103 --> 00:06:05,037
We're supposed to leave
in the morning.
169
00:06:05,105 --> 00:06:06,472
Yeah, Peter,
we've looked long enough.
170
00:06:06,539 --> 00:06:08,274
Maybe the joke
doesn't have a source.
171
00:06:08,341 --> 00:06:10,242
Don't be stupid.
Somebody had to have made it up.
172
00:06:10,310 --> 00:06:11,710
And we're going to find out who.
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00:06:11,778 --> 00:06:13,212
Besides, this will be
way more fun
174
00:06:13,280 --> 00:06:15,047
than hanging out
in Maine with the wives,
175
00:06:15,115 --> 00:06:16,482
sitting around
a campfire,
176
00:06:16,549 --> 00:06:18,651
listening to Lois
tell grocery stories.
177
00:06:18,718 --> 00:06:21,754
(imitating Lois): "Oh, Peter,
you should have been there.
178
00:06:21,821 --> 00:06:24,556
"Uncle Ben's converted
brown rice was on sale.
179
00:06:24,624 --> 00:06:28,093
They marked it down
from $12 to... to three..."
180
00:06:28,161 --> 00:06:30,496
Whatever-- I don't know
how much rice is,
181
00:06:30,563 --> 00:06:31,864
but you know
what I'm saying.
182
00:06:38,405 --> 00:06:40,406
Okay, Peter,
I've got the directions.
183
00:06:40,473 --> 00:06:42,174
Head north
on the turnpike.
184
00:06:42,242 --> 00:06:44,143
That's going to be
the quickest route to Maine.
185
00:06:44,210 --> 00:06:45,377
Sure, Lois.
186
00:06:49,382 --> 00:06:51,884
Say, ladies, I was wondering
if you could tell me--
187
00:06:51,952 --> 00:06:53,585
what was childbirth like?
188
00:06:53,653 --> 00:06:55,988
Oh, Glenn, you
have no idea.
189
00:06:56,056 --> 00:06:58,324
It's something no man
could understand.
190
00:06:58,391 --> 00:07:01,994
Think of the most intense
pain you've ever felt,
191
00:07:02,062 --> 00:07:04,897
and imagine feeling
that for hours.
192
00:07:04,965 --> 00:07:06,498
LOIS:
Well, and then,by the eighth month,
193
00:07:06,566 --> 00:07:09,234
I had hemorrhoids that hunglike bunches of grapes.
194
00:07:09,302 --> 00:07:12,705
BONNIE:
And then, they saidI was four centimeters dilated.
195
00:07:12,772 --> 00:07:14,673
They didn't think I was far
enough, but I was like,
196
00:07:14,741 --> 00:07:17,676
"I can tell youI'm far enough."
197
00:07:17,744 --> 00:07:20,212
LOIS:
And that's when Chris was born.
198
00:07:20,280 --> 00:07:22,047
Gosh, that's all
so fascinating.
199
00:07:22,115 --> 00:07:23,582
Let me ask you
something else.
200
00:07:23,650 --> 00:07:25,951
Have you girls ever worked
in an office with other women
201
00:07:26,019 --> 00:07:27,920
who you have negative things
to say about?
202
00:07:27,988 --> 00:07:29,254
Oh, God, yes.
Oh, my God.
203
00:07:29,322 --> 00:07:30,522
Quagmire, shut up.
We're here.
204
00:07:32,667 --> 00:07:34,400
You drove us
to Virginia?!
205
00:07:34,489 --> 00:07:36,257
All right, look, we're sorry
we deceived you girls,
206
00:07:36,324 --> 00:07:37,658
but this is important.
207
00:07:37,726 --> 00:07:40,527
The trail leads to a bartender
who works here.
208
00:07:40,595 --> 00:07:42,963
He could be the source
of the dirty joke.
209
00:07:49,738 --> 00:07:52,439
Hi, there. What can I do
for you gentlemen?
210
00:07:52,507 --> 00:07:54,074
We've traveled a very long way
211
00:07:54,142 --> 00:07:55,943
to find out
where you heard this joke.
212
00:07:56,011 --> 00:07:58,279
Oh... (raspy laugh)
213
00:07:58,346 --> 00:07:59,980
I remember that.
214
00:08:00,048 --> 00:08:01,749
I heard it from that guy.
215
00:08:03,918 --> 00:08:04,785
Cleveland?!
216
00:08:04,853 --> 00:08:06,120
Hey, fellas.
217
00:08:06,187 --> 00:08:07,421
Holy crap!
218
00:08:07,489 --> 00:08:09,089
Who knew we'd run
into you here?
219
00:08:09,157 --> 00:08:11,392
Except everyone, if Fox
ruined it in the promos.
220
00:08:11,459 --> 00:08:13,294
What a surprise this is.
221
00:08:17,766 --> 00:08:20,467
Donna, it's so nice of you
to invite us to stay here.
222
00:08:20,535 --> 00:08:22,102
Oh, Lois,
it's my pleasure.
223
00:08:22,170 --> 00:08:24,738
I don't think we've seen
you folks since the wedding.
224
00:08:24,806 --> 00:08:26,273
Still waiting on that gift.
225
00:08:26,341 --> 00:08:28,742
The gift was the show.
226
00:08:28,810 --> 00:08:30,477
Uh, she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
227
00:08:30,545 --> 00:08:32,579
It's great to have
you-all down here.
228
00:08:32,647 --> 00:08:33,947
Hey, you know, Cleveland,
you better hide
229
00:08:34,015 --> 00:08:35,015
the markers from your kids.
230
00:08:35,083 --> 00:08:36,550
Somebody colored in your Jesus.
231
00:08:36,618 --> 00:08:39,687
Somebody colored in your ass
with too much ass, fat-ass.
232
00:08:39,754 --> 00:08:41,288
All right, Cleveland,
let's get down to business.
233
00:08:41,356 --> 00:08:42,756
Who told you the joke?
234
00:08:42,824 --> 00:08:46,193
A bellhop at the Royale
Hotel in Washington, DC.
235
00:08:46,261 --> 00:08:48,329
I met him when I took
Cleveland Jr. there
236
00:08:48,396 --> 00:08:50,164
to see the
Lincoln Memorial.
237
00:08:50,231 --> 00:08:53,133
But then Daddy got frustrated
'cause he couldn't find it,
238
00:08:53,201 --> 00:08:55,402
so we just ate fast food
in the parking lot.
239
00:08:55,470 --> 00:08:57,838
I'm just saying, maybe
put up a damn sign.
240
00:08:57,906 --> 00:09:00,607
Anyway, the bellhop's
name is Sal Russo.
241
00:09:00,675 --> 00:09:03,243
He knows every dirty
joke ever written.
242
00:09:03,311 --> 00:09:05,212
Then that's the guy
we got to talk to.
243
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:07,748
Everyone, don't get too used
to being around black people,
244
00:09:07,816 --> 00:09:10,084
'cause we are going
to Washington, DC.
245
00:09:10,151 --> 00:09:11,685
Now, wait a minute, Peter.
246
00:09:11,753 --> 00:09:14,221
Donna's been nice enough to
invite us to stay the weekend,
247
00:09:14,289 --> 00:09:15,789
and frankly, that
sounds better
248
00:09:15,857 --> 00:09:17,624
than continuing this
wild-goose chase.
249
00:09:17,692 --> 00:09:19,993
Well, Lois, if you
and Bonnie want to stay here,
250
00:09:20,061 --> 00:09:21,795
maybe Cleveland could join us.
251
00:09:21,863 --> 00:09:23,197
Yeah, it'd be
just like old times.
252
00:09:23,264 --> 00:09:24,598
What do you say, Cleveland?
253
00:09:24,666 --> 00:09:25,866
Oh, I don't know.
254
00:09:25,934 --> 00:09:27,401
I've kind of got
my own life now.
255
00:09:27,469 --> 00:09:29,636
All right, well, if you
have a sudden change of heart
256
00:09:29,704 --> 00:09:31,438
and you want to chase us
down the street
257
00:09:31,506 --> 00:09:33,540
as we're pulling away,
you know where to find us.
258
00:09:33,608 --> 00:09:35,342
("What's Happening"
theme music playing)
259
00:09:46,788 --> 00:09:48,188
Okay, guys,
I got one.
260
00:09:48,256 --> 00:09:51,325
Would you rather get
a massage from a man
261
00:09:51,393 --> 00:09:53,894
or surgery from
a female doctor?
262
00:09:53,962 --> 00:09:54,862
Wow.
263
00:09:54,929 --> 00:09:56,230
Like, minor surgery?
264
00:09:56,297 --> 00:09:57,564
No, serious surgery.
265
00:09:57,632 --> 00:09:58,866
Like a blown kidney
or something.
266
00:09:58,933 --> 00:09:59,900
Geez.
267
00:09:59,968 --> 00:10:01,402
Good question, Peter.
268
00:10:01,469 --> 00:10:02,636
Is the man gay?
No.
269
00:10:02,704 --> 00:10:04,938
Is the female doctor
at least Jewish or Asian?
270
00:10:05,006 --> 00:10:06,240
No, but, actually,
you know what?
271
00:10:06,307 --> 00:10:07,908
I'm going to take
it up a notch.
272
00:10:07,976 --> 00:10:10,310
Hispanic female doctor
or gay male masseuse?
273
00:10:10,378 --> 00:10:12,112
Hispanic from Spain?
274
00:10:12,180 --> 00:10:13,547
No.
275
00:10:13,615 --> 00:10:14,915
Ah.
Ah.
Ah.
276
00:10:14,983 --> 00:10:16,383
So, it's basically--
would you rather
277
00:10:16,451 --> 00:10:18,585
get a massage from a gay man
or die?
278
00:10:18,653 --> 00:10:19,820
All right, I got
another one.
279
00:10:19,888 --> 00:10:21,688
Let Amy Winehouse
spit in your mouth
280
00:10:21,756 --> 00:10:24,291
or eat a raw slice of
Anderson Cooper's ass?
281
00:10:24,359 --> 00:10:26,326
Sign me up for Cooper.
282
00:10:26,394 --> 00:10:28,829
(gunshot blast, all scream)
What the hell?
283
00:10:28,897 --> 00:10:29,997
(tires screeching)
284
00:10:36,237 --> 00:10:37,671
(tires screeching)
285
00:10:42,177 --> 00:10:43,277
What the hell
was that about?
286
00:10:43,344 --> 00:10:44,411
Who were those guys?
287
00:10:44,479 --> 00:10:46,146
I don't know,
but I'll tell you this--
288
00:10:46,214 --> 00:10:48,916
I saw one of them
back in the bar in Stoolbend.
289
00:10:48,983 --> 00:10:50,451
You think they
wereollowing us?
290
00:10:50,518 --> 00:10:53,253
Either that or they got a grudge
against our back windshield.
291
00:10:53,321 --> 00:10:54,888
Ah, Joe, that's so dumb.
292
00:10:54,956 --> 00:10:56,723
Why would anybody
be trying to kill us?
293
00:10:56,791 --> 00:10:59,893
It might be safe to assume
that someone does not want us
294
00:10:59,961 --> 00:11:02,229
to learn the origin
of that joke.
295
00:11:02,297 --> 00:11:05,232
PETER:
We had no idea how rightCleveland was.
296
00:11:05,300 --> 00:11:07,935
And if we had knownwhat lay ahead,
297
00:11:08,002 --> 00:11:09,470
we would've stopped right there
298
00:11:09,537 --> 00:11:10,904
and gone straight backto Quahog.
299
00:11:10,972 --> 00:11:12,339
But we didn't know.
300
00:11:12,407 --> 00:11:13,607
(whispers):
We didn't know.
301
00:11:18,980 --> 00:11:21,381
There it is--
Washington, DC,
302
00:11:21,449 --> 00:11:22,816
the seat of government
303
00:11:22,884 --> 00:11:24,952
for the world's former
most powerful nation.
304
00:11:25,019 --> 00:11:27,588
Wow, those are all the monuments
I read about in school.
305
00:11:27,655 --> 00:11:28,922
There's the Washington Monument.
306
00:11:28,990 --> 00:11:33,260
There's the Obama Monument.
307
00:11:33,328 --> 00:11:35,362
And there's
the Vietnam War Memorial.
308
00:11:35,430 --> 00:11:37,464
Yeah, check out that Vietnamese
guy giving the business
309
00:11:37,532 --> 00:11:38,799
to those Vietnam Vets.
310
00:11:38,867 --> 00:11:41,935
Scoreboard!
Scoreboard!
311
00:11:42,003 --> 00:11:43,637
Aw, what happened
to your friend?!
312
00:11:43,705 --> 00:11:45,172
Hey, I know that guy!
313
00:11:45,240 --> 00:11:46,273
I kill him!
314
00:11:46,341 --> 00:11:47,508
He cry like a bitch!
315
00:11:47,575 --> 00:11:50,010
Vietnam, undefeated!
316
00:11:54,883 --> 00:11:56,817
All right, this
is the hotel
317
00:11:56,885 --> 00:11:58,385
where the
bellhop works.
318
00:12:04,225 --> 00:12:06,960
Hey, there he is.
Sal!
319
00:12:07,028 --> 00:12:08,428
Well, hey,
Cleveland!
320
00:12:08,496 --> 00:12:09,930
What are you
doin' here?
321
00:12:09,998 --> 00:12:11,365
I was wondering
322
00:12:11,432 --> 00:12:13,867
if my friends and I could
ask you a few questions.
323
00:12:13,935 --> 00:12:16,303
Yeah, where'd you hear that
dirty joke you told Cleveland?
324
00:12:16,371 --> 00:12:17,871
That's none of your business!
325
00:12:17,939 --> 00:12:18,939
Leave me alone!
326
00:12:19,007 --> 00:12:21,041
Don't let him get away!
327
00:12:25,480 --> 00:12:27,414
(horn blares, tires squeal)
328
00:12:28,349 --> 00:12:29,383
Hop on!
329
00:12:38,493 --> 00:12:40,160
Where did he go?!
330
00:12:40,228 --> 00:12:42,596
I think he went that way,
past the Reflecting Pool!
331
00:12:44,866 --> 00:12:46,567
Damn!
He's nowhere in sight.
332
00:12:46,634 --> 00:12:48,835
I'll ask these fellas.
Maybe they've seen him.
333
00:12:48,903 --> 00:12:50,504
Excuse me, have you seen...?
334
00:12:50,572 --> 00:12:52,573
H-H-Hold on a second.
I'm trying...
335
00:12:52,640 --> 00:12:54,675
Hold on a sec.
Hey, pal, stop talking
336
00:12:54,742 --> 00:12:55,943
while I'm talking, all right?
337
00:12:56,010 --> 00:12:57,544
You want a sandwich
full'a knuckles? Do ya?
338
00:12:57,612 --> 00:12:58,645
All right, that's it.
339
00:12:58,713 --> 00:12:59,580
Cleveland,
you take Cleveland.
340
00:12:59,647 --> 00:13:00,714
Joe, you take Joe.
341
00:13:00,782 --> 00:13:01,982
Quagmire,
you take Quagmire
342
00:13:02,050 --> 00:13:03,884
and I'll get
Fatty McLoudmouth.
343
00:13:08,957 --> 00:13:11,091
It's no use, Peter.
344
00:13:11,159 --> 00:13:12,593
We've lost him.
345
00:13:12,660 --> 00:13:14,561
PETER:
Our journey had abruptly ended,
346
00:13:14,629 --> 00:13:16,163
and the trail had gone cold.
347
00:13:18,967 --> 00:13:20,167
Well, I guess
348
00:13:20,234 --> 00:13:22,269
we're never gonna find
the source of that joke.
349
00:13:22,337 --> 00:13:23,770
I guess there's
nothing to do now
350
00:13:23,838 --> 00:13:25,238
but head back home.
351
00:13:25,306 --> 00:13:26,373
Stop right
where you are!
352
00:13:26,441 --> 00:13:27,040
(all gasp)
353
00:13:27,108 --> 00:13:27,941
Down on the ground!
354
00:13:29,944 --> 00:13:32,012
PETER:
We were all terrifiedthat this would prove
355
00:13:32,080 --> 00:13:34,414
to be an unexpected endto our journey.
356
00:13:34,482 --> 00:13:38,118
But little did we know, ourjourney was far from over.
357
00:13:38,186 --> 00:13:40,721
(grunting)
358
00:13:40,788 --> 00:13:41,655
Aah!
Aah!
359
00:13:41,723 --> 00:13:42,689
Ooh!
Oh!
360
00:13:45,093 --> 00:13:46,827
All right, did you get
the parking validated?
361
00:13:46,894 --> 00:13:48,128
Ugh! No.
362
00:13:48,196 --> 00:13:49,863
(sighs) That was the
whole reason we walked
363
00:13:49,893 --> 00:13:50,931
through Crate & Barrel.
364
00:13:54,451 --> 00:13:57,087
We'd been captured, tied upand kidnapped.
365
00:13:57,242 --> 00:13:58,976
And as if that weren't badenough,
366
00:13:59,044 --> 00:14:00,678
we found ourselveson a plane,
367
00:14:00,745 --> 00:14:02,112
headed to an unknowndestination.
368
00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:03,914
Where the hell
are they takin' us?
369
00:14:03,982 --> 00:14:06,316
I don't know,
but I got a bad feeling.
370
00:14:06,384 --> 00:14:07,951
(baby cries)
371
00:14:08,019 --> 00:14:09,720
(sighs)
Every plane.
372
00:14:09,788 --> 00:14:11,822
Every plane there's gotta be
a crying baby
373
00:14:11,890 --> 00:14:13,624
and a mother ignoring it.
374
00:14:13,692 --> 00:14:17,461
Yes, he's crying.
Babies cry.
375
00:14:17,529 --> 00:14:19,963
PETER:
After flying for what seemedlike hours,
376
00:14:20,031 --> 00:14:22,599
we found ourselves approachinga strange island
377
00:14:22,667 --> 00:14:24,101
on the horizon.
378
00:14:26,905 --> 00:14:27,905
(tires screech)
379
00:15:05,777 --> 00:15:07,611
What the hell
is this place?
380
00:15:07,679 --> 00:15:10,247
It is that which you have been
seeking, gentlemen.
381
00:15:10,315 --> 00:15:11,248
Who are you?
382
00:15:11,316 --> 00:15:12,750
I am the dean.
383
00:15:12,817 --> 00:15:14,118
The dean of what?
384
00:15:14,185 --> 00:15:17,521
The Dean of the Secret Order
of Dirty Joke Writers.
385
00:15:22,494 --> 00:15:24,361
Wow.
386
00:15:24,429 --> 00:15:26,430
So these are
the people who write
387
00:15:26,498 --> 00:15:28,165
all the world's dirty jokes?
388
00:15:28,233 --> 00:15:29,600
Indeed they are.
389
00:15:29,667 --> 00:15:31,235
Hey, isn't that
Stephen Hawking?
390
00:15:31,302 --> 00:15:33,537
(electronic voice):
So the housewife
tells the plumber,
391
00:15:33,605 --> 00:15:36,140
"Okay, you cleed
my pipes,
392
00:15:36,207 --> 00:15:39,510
now get to work
on that sink."
393
00:15:39,577 --> 00:15:41,845
(laughter)
(electronic laughter)
394
00:15:41,913 --> 00:15:43,213
And there's Bill Gates.
395
00:15:43,281 --> 00:15:44,648
Is there some joke area
396
00:15:44,716 --> 00:15:46,350
of a beaver eating
a woodpecker?
397
00:15:46,417 --> 00:15:48,185
Is that something...?
Would that work?
398
00:15:48,253 --> 00:15:51,255
Wow. These are some
of the world's smartest people.
399
00:15:51,322 --> 00:15:52,422
Not a lot of women.
400
00:15:52,490 --> 00:15:54,892
Yeah, not a lot
of women.
401
00:15:54,959 --> 00:15:56,693
What are they all doing here?
402
00:15:56,761 --> 00:15:59,029
Well, many of the world's
greatest geniuses
403
00:15:59,097 --> 00:16:00,798
secretly devote themselves
404
00:16:00,865 --> 00:16:03,200
to coming up with
the world's dirtiest jokes.
405
00:16:03,268 --> 00:16:05,435
Oh, it's been that way
for centuries.
406
00:16:05,503 --> 00:16:07,104
Great men such
as Ben Franklin,
407
00:16:07,172 --> 00:16:10,307
Charles Dickens,
Albert Einstein.
408
00:16:10,375 --> 00:16:11,508
Shakespeare,
of course.
409
00:16:11,576 --> 00:16:13,343
I got a spear you can shake.
410
00:16:13,411 --> 00:16:15,746
Ha! There you go, put that in
one of your jokes.
411
00:16:15,814 --> 00:16:17,948
Let me show you around.
412
00:16:19,417 --> 00:16:20,784
From this room,
413
00:16:20,852 --> 00:16:23,620
we can see the entire
world's joke supply.
414
00:16:23,688 --> 00:16:27,024
This way we can tailor jokes
to where the need is greatest.
415
00:16:27,091 --> 00:16:29,459
Sir, we have a Best Man giving
a toast at a wedding,
416
00:16:29,527 --> 00:16:30,527
and he is just bombing.
417
00:16:30,595 --> 00:16:31,662
Put it up on the screen.
418
00:16:32,664 --> 00:16:35,499
Jim's...
Jim's so clumsy,
419
00:16:35,567 --> 00:16:38,902
it's like he's got two (coughs)
left feet and left hands.
420
00:16:40,572 --> 00:16:42,940
Permission to go to the "bride
is a whore" file, sir.
421
00:16:43,007 --> 00:16:44,007
Permission granted.
422
00:16:45,476 --> 00:16:47,644
Anyway, if Sheila was
a road sign,
423
00:16:47,712 --> 00:16:49,680
it would read "Open Trench."
424
00:16:49,747 --> 00:16:51,815
(all laugh)
425
00:16:51,883 --> 00:16:53,917
(all cheering)
426
00:16:57,021 --> 00:17:00,390
Well, gentlemen,
I hope you've enjoyed
427
00:17:00,458 --> 00:17:01,725
the tour of
our facility.
428
00:17:01,793 --> 00:17:03,093
This was amazing!
429
00:17:03,161 --> 00:17:04,461
Guys, we did it!
430
00:17:04,529 --> 00:17:07,231
We found the source of the
world's dirty jokes!
431
00:17:07,298 --> 00:17:10,033
I can't wait to tell
all the guys back at the Clam!
432
00:17:10,101 --> 00:17:12,970
Oh, I'm afraid that's
quite impossible.
433
00:17:13,037 --> 00:17:14,905
What do you mean?
434
00:17:14,973 --> 00:17:16,874
Well, you've seen
our secret island.
435
00:17:16,941 --> 00:17:19,676
You know about our network
of joke distribution agents,
436
00:17:19,744 --> 00:17:21,144
like the bellhop.
437
00:17:21,212 --> 00:17:23,714
We can't allow
the secret to be revealed.
438
00:17:23,781 --> 00:17:27,084
I'm afraid you must stay here
for the rest of your lives.
439
00:17:39,797 --> 00:17:41,665
What are we gonna do now?
440
00:17:41,733 --> 00:17:43,867
We gotta come up
with an escape plan.
441
00:17:46,504 --> 00:17:50,007
Hey, guys, I can see the plane
that brought us here!
442
00:17:50,074 --> 00:17:52,609
If we can figure out
a way to get to it,
I can fly us home!
443
00:17:52,677 --> 00:17:53,844
I got an idea.
444
00:17:53,912 --> 00:17:55,512
One of us should pretend
we're hurt,
445
00:17:55,580 --> 00:17:57,781
and when the guards come in
to give him medical attention,
446
00:17:57,849 --> 00:17:58,882
we'll jump 'em!
447
00:17:58,950 --> 00:18:00,083
That's perfect, Joe.
448
00:18:00,151 --> 00:18:01,785
Hey, Cleveland,
you got a pencil on you?
449
00:18:01,853 --> 00:18:02,786
Oh, gosh,
I don't know.
450
00:18:02,854 --> 00:18:04,021
Oh, wait, here you go.
451
00:18:04,088 --> 00:18:05,022
Thanks.
452
00:18:05,089 --> 00:18:06,256
Aah! What the hell?!
453
00:18:06,324 --> 00:18:07,658
Hey, help, help!
454
00:18:07,725 --> 00:18:09,026
We have an emergency!
455
00:18:09,093 --> 00:18:10,060
You dick!
456
00:18:10,128 --> 00:18:11,194
What's going on in here?!
457
00:18:11,262 --> 00:18:12,596
This man has been injured!
458
00:18:12,664 --> 00:18:14,031
He needs medical attention!
459
00:18:17,735 --> 00:18:18,936
Come on. Let's get outta here!
460
00:18:24,776 --> 00:18:28,078
All right, let's hurry up
and find a way out!
461
00:18:33,618 --> 00:18:34,985
(all gasp)
462
00:18:35,820 --> 00:18:37,287
Well, well,
463
00:18:37,355 --> 00:18:40,390
it's quite clear the four of you
are going to be a problem.
464
00:18:40,458 --> 00:18:42,392
Kill them.
465
00:18:42,460 --> 00:18:43,393
(guns cock)
466
00:18:44,862 --> 00:18:47,030
My God, I've done it!
467
00:18:47,098 --> 00:18:49,800
After 80 years of work
and research,
468
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:51,935
I have written
the greatest dirty joke
469
00:18:52,003 --> 00:18:54,037
in the history of mankind!
470
00:18:54,105 --> 00:18:56,940
(laughs)
471
00:18:57,008 --> 00:18:58,008
(gasps)
472
00:18:58,076 --> 00:18:59,609
(groans)
473
00:19:05,950 --> 00:19:07,918
Give me that!
Not on your life!
474
00:19:07,986 --> 00:19:11,321
Take one step closer
and the paper gets it.
475
00:19:11,389 --> 00:19:14,124
Drop your guns!
Do as he says!
476
00:19:23,468 --> 00:19:24,568
Put it out!
477
00:19:24,635 --> 00:19:25,635
Put it out!
478
00:19:27,005 --> 00:19:28,505
Oh, my God!
479
00:19:28,573 --> 00:19:31,775
It's heading for the first
dead baby joke ever written!
480
00:19:55,967 --> 00:19:57,868
(explosions)
481
00:20:08,012 --> 00:20:10,847
Look what we did.
482
00:20:10,915 --> 00:20:13,383
We destroyed a place
that brought joy
483
00:20:13,451 --> 00:20:15,786
and laughter
to the entire world.
484
00:20:15,853 --> 00:20:17,721
Is that the end
of all dirty jokes?
485
00:20:17,789 --> 00:20:19,289
Well, maybe it is.
486
00:20:19,357 --> 00:20:22,092
But Peter's got the best one
ever written right there.
487
00:20:22,160 --> 00:20:23,727
Read it, Peter.
488
00:20:23,795 --> 00:20:24,795
"Guess what?
489
00:20:24,862 --> 00:20:26,630
Chicken butt."
490
00:20:26,697 --> 00:20:28,432
That's it?
That's the joke?
491
00:20:28,499 --> 00:20:30,400
No, this is the joke!
492
00:20:30,468 --> 00:20:31,535
(screams)
493
00:20:31,602 --> 00:20:32,969
Now take me back
to Virginia,
494
00:20:33,037 --> 00:20:34,638
so I can put
some Bacitracin on this
495
00:20:34,705 --> 00:20:36,206
and pork my wife!
496
00:20:44,715 --> 00:20:47,150
PETER:
It was a great adventure.
497
00:20:47,218 --> 00:20:49,486
And it was great havingCleveland along with us again.
498
00:20:49,554 --> 00:20:51,121
He hasn't changed a bit.
499
00:20:51,189 --> 00:20:52,589
Didn't grab one check.
500
00:20:52,657 --> 00:20:54,491
Anyway, that's our story
501
00:20:54,559 --> 00:20:56,626
about the splendid sourceof all dirty jokes.
502
00:20:56,694 --> 00:20:58,695
For those of you who stuckaround till the end,
503
00:20:58,763 --> 00:21:00,363
you deserve a reward.
504
00:21:00,431 --> 00:21:02,833
So here's some footageof an ape scratching himself.
505
00:21:04,735 --> 00:21:06,803
See, the March of Dimeswanted this air time
506
00:21:06,871 --> 00:21:08,839
to talk about cancer kidsor somethin',
507
00:21:08,906 --> 00:21:11,074
but I was like, "No way!Monkey scratch!"
508
00:21:12,947 --> 00:21:16,881
-- Sync, corrected by elderman --
-- for www.addic7ed.com --37618
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